alvirasuha

[alvirasuha]

[alvirasuha]

I am at work

My sweater vest wreaks a havoc on my chest

The time on the left hand corner feels like an ancient curse

Like I am Vikram

And time is Vetal

[alvirasuha]

I'm a bee

Or a fly

Which ever has six million eyes

I am looking everywhere

And I slowly make a move

I try not move in white spaces

Where I won't see it coming

You know, the big bad thing

I escape it every time

But I am always looking

Me and my six million eyes

[alvirasuha]

A deep well opens up in the middle of my bed

I crawl towards it

I dip my feet in

Something like grass

Something like your hair

I reach out

All hands in

The bridge of your nose

Aquiline and cold

Is this you?

I wonder

Maybe you leave in this world

Only to stay in another

I close my eyes

A deep well in the center of my bed

I dive in

This is where I will stay

[alvirasuha]

The Call of the Void

I reside on the second floor of a residential area. Nearly every other night, my family and I bear witness to the jarring sound of something moderately heavy crashing to its doom on the sunset surrounding our windows and balcony. We cannot ascertain the weight of the objects, nor their nature since this seems to happen near, if not much later than, midnight. The exact weight and nature of these objects elude us, as these incidents occur near or well past midnight. Like many urban residents, I have formed my own theories. Here’s what I have deduced: 1) The object that is doomed to its death plummets from at least 6 stories above. 2) The object is being thrown from a window.

𝘕𝘰𝘵𝘦: 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯

I reside on the second floor of a residential area. Nearly every other night, my family and I bear witness to the jarring sound of something moderately heavy crashing to its doom on the sunset surrounding our windows and balcony. The exact weight and nature of these objects elude us, as these incidents occur near or well past midnight. Like many urban residents, I have formed my own theories. Here’s what I have deduced:

1) The object that is doomed to its death plummets from at least 6 stories above. 2) The object is being thrown from a window.

3) The object is being thrown by a woman.

I cannot fathom why the person throwing the object should not be a woman since such covert coping mechanisms come to either children or women; both of whom can be rendered helpless in a domicile. I firmly believe it is the inability to throw herself off that floor is what prompts her to throw inanimate objects to their deaths.

Despite all my assumptions, I am yet to muster the strength I would need to actually probe the situation.

This probably tells you more about me than the person throwing things from up above.

Correct?

[alvirasuha]

I have been stalling going back to my university campus to get my graduation outfit. Nuzhat let me know that graduates could have had their outfits picked up by someone else. Now, seven hours later, I'm thinking "dang, I don't have a single good friend, of whom I could ask that favor"

Being the loser that I am, I'm thinking it's not that that I don't have good friends; it's simply that I didn't take the time to think the whole thing through.

I have to admit the fact that I'm afraid.

Every single day, I dread waking up because I have no job. I used to think this shit would be easy for me; that landing a job would be as easy for me as it has been in the past when people I knew were just paving the way for me. Now that I'm an adult with an honor's degree, I suddenly gotta make it on my own.

I know this shit sounds ungrateful as fuck. But man I wish things were tougher on me (professionally). But then again, shit was so bad anyway. I would have trained harder. I would have learned to work with people and not over them.

I used to be proud of the fact that I don't regret anything; based on an altered version of the 'hope' ideology, that everything that happens to me must be a lesson.

I am confused. Have I punished myself too hard or have I not punished myself enough?

If I have punished myself too hard, then my inability to get off my bed and actually make a change is impossible. But this is for the alternate question too.

This sudden soliloquy has been brought to you by the critically acclaimed FX show, The Bear.

I am stalling on life.

I have done it so many times.

But this is the first time, I am feeling like I have something more to lose than just myself.

[alvirasuha]

I am waiting for your sadness to pass through me

I am hoping it will leave on the next train

I am hoping you will remember to love me

I am hoping I will remember what it felt like

I am waiting for you to talk to me

I am waiting for you to stretch your hand out

I am waiting with my palms open

But my skin is burning

[alvirasuha]

I know... I know that it's difficult to remember happiness. Because it doesn't scar us. But... But I'm thinking of ways I can remember the little things he says to make my day. I don't think it's his intention to make my day when he says he feels like cuddling me every time he recalls my face. I think he says them just because. The way I want to kiss him when I think of his nose; just because.

[alvirasuha]

I am afraid my love is not pure

It's tainted with jealousy

Ragged at the edges

And it's pointing at everyone

I can't believe they are happy for me

I want to put a gun to their heads

And make them say they're not

I want everyone else to share the same misery I feel

When I look at you, and when I look at me

I want them to stop pretending and admit that you're too good for me,

That you're the sun, personified,

And I am a dying star

I think they're lying through their teeth

And they stink of cheese

And I think you smell too

_

Letters to Roy #14

[alvirasuha]

Little treats

I play Friends as white noise. Whenever I need to work, fold some clothes, clean my makeup brushes, or even when I take a shower. Around the final season, Rachel gets fired from Ralph Lauren and Ross has trouble dragging out her chair through the rotating door at her workplace. I remembered seeing that chair in an earlier season and it made me think; people, when they invest a lot of their time somewhere and/or if the place does not make them as happy anymore, they buy things that make that place slightly more tolerable, if not absolutely comfortable. Currently, I am unemployed so....buying milk powder worth 425 BDT may sound like a lot to some people (my precious boyfriend included); it's a necessity for me. Having a cup of milk (through tea or coffee) is sometimes all I look forward to in a day. I know how pathetic that sounds; why do you think I'm here?