alwayshopeful-things-blog

[alwayshopeful-things-blog]

Day 7 - Scan day...

So yesterday when I went to see my acupuncturist she said I should hope for 10 follicles & I have read loads online about people getting lots of them so imagine my disappointment when I only get 2 large ones and 3 little ones. The Dr said that considering my age and my FSH (although slightly higher at 10.1) they would have expected me to respond a lot better than I have. He has increased my Menopur to the maximum dose and my next scan is Friday.

Now I know rationally that this is all about quality over quantity and it only takes one but I have this overwhelming feeling of disappointment and i'm so upset. I really don't think the Dr helped to be honest, he showed no compassion towards me at all - very matter of fact 'your ovaries are useless' ok that's not what he said but that was all I heard.

Hubby took me back to work - I cried the whole way then bit his head off for  'its not that bad' comment, YES don't you think I know that - I am an unbalanced hormonal women that has just had a kick in her shit ovaries! So I told him not to be late for dinner tonight (its my dads birthday) and off I trotted back to the office still crying! Thank god there is nobody else in today so I can sit here and be neurotic in peace and quiet

[alwayshopeful-things-blog]

Day 6 of stimming...help I'm so constipated!!

Had to laugh this evening…I went to have my accupuncture and Jan the lovely lady who does it wanted to feel my stomach to see it was bloated as this is a good sign that the menopur is working and I’m producing multiple follicles…she seemed to think I was looking a little fatter from last week (only time this is ever ok to say!!) BUT the whole time I was thinking (and didn’t dare tell her) my podge was more likely to do with the take away I had last night!!

The accupuncture session went great - love the time it gives me to totally chill out whilst listening to meditation music…I pretty much fall asleep everytime I go! This week she told me I need to be having a high protein diet which I am and that I should be drinking full fat milk…don’t like the idea of that but I will duly take her direction on this, she is so knowledgeable about the whole process and super hot on what research there is out there so I trust what she tells me!

It can be so easy to get hung up on all those crazy do’s and don'ts that bound around forums, Facebook and Twitter if I listened to all that stuff I’d be dressed as an umpa lumpa (orange being the colour of fertility!), be following an unrealistic diet plan and would probably be going out my mind right now with stress! Instead I’m sticking with my motto ‘balance is everything’ I strongly believe you are what you eat so a balanced diet is all you need…and a little bit of what you fancy (helps keep you sane!)

Although.. haha talking of diet…I have tried to up my protein intake to help those follicles grow. Nothing major just a boiled egg added to my breakfast and an extra protein shake in the day along with my already healthy diet where I’m getting plenty of protein from veg, beans and meat. But just adding those 2 extra things has ruined my bowels…I’m so constipated it’s miserable! No wonder my belly looks fatter! Better get my ass walking lots tomorrow!

Tomorrow is my first scan…actually feel excited! Hope they are growing as expected!

[alwayshopeful-things-blog]

Day 5 of Menopur - fell of the healthy eating wagon!!!

So as of today I have not had an alcoholic drink since NYE - quite an achievement I think and something I haven't really missed! I have had the odd Friday night where a glass of vino would have gone down nicely but other than that all good! We have also been eating a healthy well balanced diet since 01.01.17.  I mean we were pretty balanced anyway - always cooking our meals from scratch and not eating processed food - so this hasn't been too challenging either.  The only thing I have really added to my diet is Nettle and Dandelion tea, brazil nuts and we are drinking more smoothies (thank you H!). Our only vice since New Year has been chocolate -  we had to finish what we had in from Christmas and we were eating healthily otherwise! But since last Monday I have totally cut out chocolate and all caffeine!

I said at the start of this process it was all about balance and a little bit of what you fancy - so last night we went to the chip shop! We couldn't be bothered to cook and despite feel guilty for all of 1 minute I totally enjoyed falling off the healthy eating wagon! I really didn't want to get hung up on eating this and not eating that so we have made a few adjustments but nothing too major and that has made it easy for us to follow! Loved my chips last night and I am sure my body wont be mad at me considering I am being so good otherwise!!

[alwayshopeful-things-blog]

The weekend - R&R

So taking two injections a day is ok - not as bad as I thought it would be. The Menopur is a bit of a pain though as I have to draw up from 4 vials. I didn't realise until I spoke to a friend how high my dose was! They told me that is was because my FSH (shows state of ovarian reserve) was higher than normal:

Good range: 9 or less and mine was 10.1 - so not too far over what is deemed as good and a long way to go to no ovarian reserve with is anything over 20.

What I don't get is that my last blood test was months ago - maybe even October time, and FSH can fluctuate so why don't they do a more recent test before starting the Menopur? I have read that FSH can be reduced with acupuncture, herbs & diet modification, so I am hoping that with doing all of the above it may have come down naturally and they may reduce my Menopur as I move through this stage!

Spent all day on Saturday in front of the TV watching films whilst hubby did some more DIY - felt so good doing absolutely nothing!

I tasked hubby with being in charge of daily smoothies (which our acupuncturist recommended) and he is doing a fab job with them! We have had a range of different drinks from coconut water and pineapple to protein smoothies with banana's, berries, dried fruit, and an array of nuts! I have upped my protein intake since starting the Menopur as this is meant to help my eggs grow and helps with their quality. The only problem with lots of protein is constipation - which I struggle with anyway - so I got my ass off the sofa on Sunday and we went for a lovely walk in the countryside.

[alwayshopeful-things-blog]

Day 2 of Menopur - 10 hours sleep!!!

Wowee! 10 hours sleep last night! I woke up this morning feeling fresh as a daisy and so so much better - that acupuncture obviously did me some good despite not enjoying it as much as usual!

I had so much energy today - and I managed to catch up with some of the girls from my old ward which was lovely. It did reaffirm to me though that I definitely made the right decision moving from shift work to nursing education, especially with the latest report about shift work affecting fertility. My life really does have so much more balance now and I eat and sleep so much better. I really don't know how I would be coping if I was still on the ward particularly doing nights.  Hats off to any of those women out there that are. I didn't realise the impact it was having on me until I left - funniest thing is I always said I would never be able to go back to working Mon-Fri but honestly its perfect at the moment!

Had a cracking headache last night but thought it was because I was run down but I had the same headache again tonight after I took my Menopur injection so now I am wondering if it is a side effect - I never normally get headaches. Other than that today has been a good balanced day and life is feeling good.

[alwayshopeful-things-blog]

1st scan and the start of Menopur!

So back at work today but still feeling pretty rotton...I just had to get out the house! My appointment was just after lunchtime and I had to have an empty bladder so I went twice before my appointment...I can pee for England! Before I went in hubby and I bumped into an old friend who we spent many years dancing until the sun came up with and attending more parties than you can imagine! Funny how all these years later we are going through this IVF malarkey step by step side by side! It's been great to be able to text her to see how she is feeling and rant how I am feeling...someone who isn't a stranger that totally gets it (and if all else fails she will know how to let off steam!) She isn't quite ready to start her menopur today so is now a week behind us on this journey but I really hope this is a good sign for her...I really hope it's worth the wait! You're looking fabulous honey and wouldn't it be amazing to both get pregnant together! What an amazing story that would be! Will be there for you though whatever happens and thank you so much for all your support and welcome knowledge so far. xx So I went in and waited for the nurse to stick that big rod up me...gosh she really did poke it around!! But all was good and worth the discomfort my lining looked as expected at this stage. Not really surprised because I have bled quite a lot since starting Suprecur so would have been pretty miffed if my lining wasn't thin enough! They have started me on 300 on Menopur which is higher than the normal dose apparently but is due to my slightly higher FSH. I have to go back for a scan next Wednesday and Friday which means my egg collection is likely to be Monday 27th or Wednesday 1st...its coming around so quick. Went for my weekly accupuncture session on my way home which is something I always look forward to but today wasn't great, mostly I think because I'm not well and couldn't relax oh and I couldn't tolerate the electro accupuncture which I usually do so well but this week I had a massive spasm in my stomach and scared the life out of myself and Jan...she said she has never seen anyone react like that! I really need to get myself well! Mission is on over the next few days! Did my first menopur injection when i got in which was a bit of a pain having to mix 4 of the powders up to one water solution but at least it didn't sting like my first suprecur! Early night for me! xx

[alwayshopeful-things-blog]

Feeling so ill and pretty down

So we are on days 13 to 15 of Suprecur and days 6 to 8 of my current cylce and these have been the worst yet. Monday I felt rough all day then woke up Tuesday with the worst head cold and chest infection and then pretty much didn't move for 2 days! I think feeling so ill and spending 2 days on my own was not good for my head. I have felt quite low and negative. Trying to eat well has been a challenge but I have forced myself to eat 3 meals a day even though I really haven't felt like it. The night sweats have been exasperated by my infection and I'm literally just running at boiling point! Hope to be back at work tomorrow as feeling better this afternoon and tomorrow is 1st scan and I'll hopefully be starting the menopur injection!

[alwayshopeful-things-blog]

Days 10 - 12 of Suprecur/ Day 3 - 5 in cylce

Weekend has been pretty good, pretty much all of my side effects have gone! My body must be balancing out, the only thing that doesn't seem to shift is the bloody hot sweats or power surges as I like to refer to them! They only tend to come early evening or mostly when I am trying to sleep! My nights consist of duvet on duvet off duvet on duvet off!! Haha! The struggle is real! Spent the weekend with family and friends and it's been nice having some normality. A friend came over Saturday morning with her little one who is absolutely gorgeous. I often read blogs or posts about people finding it hard to hear people getting pregnant or being around other people's babies but I honestly never feel like that. I have loved seeing all my friends grow into wonderful parents and it's great getting to be a crazy aunt or friend that can have all the fun and madness with the little ones and then give them back! Hubby and I have had so many amazing experiences over the last few years whilst we have been trying for a baby. We have travelled and explored over 10 countries in the last few years and made the most incredible memories! Maybe we just werent done with our own adventure! My day will come I just know it! ❤❤

[alwayshopeful-things-blog]

day 9 of suprecur 'balanced day'

Well today has been a positive day! Work has been brilliant, feel like I am really establishing myself within my role and I am feeling so much more confident…getting back to the normal me! Perhaps the last week and the emotional me has been a mixture of suprecur and my period being due because I certainly feel more balanced today! Still really heavy though which is annoying!

When I finished work I had my weekly accupuncture session which was, as always so so relaxing! I absolutely love going for my sessions. Jan, the lady who does it is so much more than just my acupuncturist. She is someone I can open up and talk to. She is so knowledgeable that she as was able to talk through and explain why I was having the side effects I have been having and she explained to me in detail how suprecur worked. She has also chatted to me about what to expect over the next few weeks, she is so valuable to me during this process and her postivity is contagious! Had my usual nap during the session listening to relaxing music, I can’t tell you enough how much this relaxes me…can’t wait for the next session!

Had my life put into perspective this eveing though, someone I know had been in remission from breast cancer for 5 years last year, sadly it is back and agressive and it seems she doesn’t have long left, she will be leaving behind a disabled daughter. So heartbreaking, life is so cruel sometimes. Such a sad time for everyone who knows and loves her. Really gives measure to the things we worry about.

Oh gosh…on a light hearted note I had to come back and edit this blog because I forgot to tell you about my forgetfulness!! The struggle is real! My friend (hi Jess!) told me this was one of her side effects…I didn’t know this was a real thing but trust me it really is!! It is so funny! This morning I forgot to take my injection…only remembered as I walked out the door! How can I forget something that is dominating my life! I don’t know how I am functioning because I really am forgetting so much! From things I have to do to forgetting g actual words mid sentence!! I am now setting alarms to remind me to do stuff and go places!! Work really must be wondering who they have taken on!!!

[alwayshopeful-things-blog]

Day 8 of suprecur, Day 1 of cycle

Only cried a little bit this morning…but stable for the rest of the day! Actually had a really good day at work and feel much more settled in my new role…hopefully no more tears! Perhaps starting a new job and IVF at the same time wasn’t the best of ideas! My new team are so wonderful though and they have been such a great support to me since I started and they are helping more than they realise.

Drove out to see hubby’s dad and partner for a curry tonight which was lovely too, my palpitations were awful again though but this time it really helped having the distraction of good company and they soon passed.

Day one of my new cycle and my period is so mich heavier than usual I’m guessing that this has something to do with my injections?! Who knows!

So yeah not much to report today, it’s been a good day all in all! So much better than yesterday!

xxx

[alwayshopeful-things-blog]

Day 7: Disappointment and tears

Today has been another exhausting day, I honestly don’t get why I feel so tired! Managed to stay awake when I got back from work rather than napping - hopefully means I will sleep better tonight.

It has been a tearful day, crying over the most ridiculous things, I don’t feel sad or stressed but the tears just keep flowing.  I started a new job in December and I am sure my new co-workers think I am a little unhinged! Someone even asked me if I could be pregnant - if only! Decided not to tell anyone at work about the IVF especially being so new there. Hoping to fit my appointments in around my work schedule without anyone really noticing! Guess if the time comes to tell them I will have to but until then I will let them think I am emotionally challenged!!

Todays biggest disappointment and a disappointment which is so ridiculous is that mother nature came this afternoon - regular as clockwork! I thought it might have been late this cycle especially as I am now on day 7 of my injections. But no 5pm - usual time on day 27 there she was and I couldn’t help but feel totally shattered for another month.  I couldn’t help having that tiny bit of hope that maybe we could have conceived naturally this cycle - that same bit of hope I forget about every month until day 27 comes and I start to think ‘what if’. So daft I know but I just cant help torturing myself.

Hopefully refocus myself tomorrow, positive thoughts only going forward and of course hope -

 'where there is hope, there is faith, where there is faith miracles happen’.

'Where there is life there is hope’.

xxx

[alwayshopeful-things-blog]

Day 6: Palpitations

Not sure where today has gone, it has absolutely flown by, busy day at work but managed to leave a little earlier and get home for just after 4pm! Felt good all day today until I got home. I was so tired, literally felt like I hadn’t slept in weeks! So came home a napped for a good couple of hours - and I have no doubt I will sleep well tonight, I feel like someone has pulled the plug on me and its only Monday! I am guessing this has more to do with my period being due tomorrow than the actual hormones but who knows!

So the tiredness I can cope with - I do actually love a good nap at the best of times and rumour has it napping extends life!!!!! What I have struggled with this evening are the palpitations - please tell me this is a thing and I am not being a hypochondriac! I had them last week too but dismissed them as they weren’t too bad and didn’t last too long however this evening they were something else. I was kind of napping on and off, every time I woke up I was so aware of my heartbeat that the only way for me not to think about it was sleep (told you…any excuse for a nap!) When I finally woke up properly they just seemed to get worse, I found it really upsetting. I probably didn’t help myself by just sitting there listening to my heart pound, got the distraction I needed when hubby came home from work and they are now loads better, still there but better. Sitting here writing this is certainly helping too, in fact light bulb moment…I bet the palpitations are making me feel tired too. Maybe I need to find some distraction techniques for if/when they come back again.  Any suggestions would be very welcome!

[alwayshopeful-things-blog]

Days 3-5 The Weekend

Well Friday (Day 23) was a rough day, I woke up feeling sick and continued to feel sick until I went to bed…it was miserable! I had no appetite when I woke up so skipped breakfast which I have been trying really hard not to do! So when I felt really ill at lunchtime after a 2 hour meeting I assumed it was because I hadn’t eaten but despite eating I continued to feel ill. It was kind of like a motion sickness feeling, I never felt like I was actually going to vomit but that nausea feeling just wouldn’t shift.

I feel like a bit of a hypochondriac…everything I feel I’m like ‘is that the Suprecur’…I’m like a mad woman!! But really in the grand scheme of things I have only had a few 'power surges’ and then this random day of feeling sick!

The weekend was so chilled out with hubby, Friday night we chilled in front of the TV after making a dash to the supermarket after dinner for dessert and kopparberg non-alcoholic cider (my new favourite drink!). Saturday hubby went to watch the football up in Liverpool - Everton fan! So I popped out to see a good friend and her two little boys for lunch! It was a lovely afternoon of food, good company and some more of that lovely cider!! Sunday was much of the same but with a visit from mum and dad!

I have completely fallen back in love with my slow cooker and have been making some great meals from my new cookbook 'Slow Cooker: without the calories’ by Justine Pattison.  We have had some lovely meals from it including stews, pulled pork tacos and a fab sausage casserole, although hubby and I struggle with portion control so not sure how 'without the calories’ it is lol! I swear when we have our own family will just continue to cook the same way we do now and one day we may achieve portion control!!

All in all a good few days, still feeling normal and sane, some gentle exercise, good food and great company…what more do we need!

[alwayshopeful-things-blog]

Day 2: Power Surges & Making H feel useful!

Well day 2 of my injections yesterday morning went so much better than day 1, it didn’t sting at all and I haven’t got a bruise! #winning #smallthings

Still feeling good, the only side effect I seem to be having is mighty power surges! Wow are they mighty! It is like someone literally turns up the thermostat inside of me and BOOM I am sooooo hot! H (hubby) thinks it is brilliant as I am always moaning that I am cold! Its such a strange heat because it isn’t like just being hot, it really is like someone turns the power on inside me! I got them not long after my injection, so drove to work with the window down because I was that hot and then they seem to come back again in the afternoon - that just makes me want to sleep! Love a good nap though so any excuse!

Getting H to feel useful I think is really important because we are in this together but there isnt much he can really do at the moment. But he has been a busy bee these last few months as our acupuncturist recommended a vitamin schedule for us both to help enhance our fertility.  H’s sperm has been borderline in all results so he has been popping the following for the last 3 months, we will let you know what they say about his sample when the time comes - be interesting to see if it has made a difference:

100mg CoEnzyme Q10 Ubiquinol (studies have shown this increase semen parameters– sperm density, sperm motility, and sperm morphology)

2000mg Omega 3 fatty acids. Fish oils not cod oil. (helps improve morphology)

Proxseed multivitamin (supports quality and motility)

1000mg vitamin D (if not in multivitamin)  (supports the production of estrogen)

Other adjustments he has made include:

Eating nuts

Making and consuming homemade smoothies (will share some recipes at a later date).

Drinking plenty of water

Decreasing intake of full fat diary.  An American study in 2012 showed that as dairy consumption went up sperm parameters went down.

Reduction in alcohol - he has actually done #dryjanuary and attempting #dryfebruary

Not using heated seats in the car, wearing loose boxers and keeping his laptop off his lap (heat damages sperm).

Happy weekend!

xxxx

[alwayshopeful-things-blog]

ICSI Journey Day 21: Friendship, Acupuncture, Diet and Exercise

Day 1: Day 21 of cycle Friendship, Needles, Acupuncture, Diet and Exercise

Day 1 of my long protocol.

Yesterday my friend popped over with a goody bag full of stuff for me – it was so thoughtful! In the bag was:

A pregnancy test

A diary

Box of Chocolates

Candle

Slipper socks

Facemasks

A lovely card wishing us luck

I have spoke about IVF with some of my friends but now it is here I really don’t want to talk about it to anyone – I am happy plodding along with hubby! So this was the perfect gift which says ‘I am here if you need me’! Had a phone call later in the evening from another friend, and my mum and dad have been great too. Having support feels so important already!

Woke up feeling pretty relaxed…my acupuncture is certainly helping keeping me calm, and I had the best night’s sleep I have had in while!

Yesterday I had a second session of electro-acupuncture…strangely I really enjoyed it! There is so much research out there about the possible benefits of acupuncture and IVF although due to significant differences in studies carried out there is still not a definitive answer, maybe with further trials there will be one day soon! The main findings so far have been that it helps regulate fertility hormones, increase blood flow to the reproductive organs and can counteract the effects of polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).  Some definitive research however does prove that acupuncture is safe and it can as a positive effect on a person’s general wellbeing and is the reason I have chosen to have it regularly during this process.   I am personally finding it really relaxing and it is definitely alleviating my stresses.  Also the hour I go for my acupuncture is a great opportunity to lay still, listen to mindfulness meditation and really switch off from the world.

So today is day 21 in my cycle and my first day of taking the Buserelin (Suprecur), I am prescribed 0.5ml daily, to take each morning. As a nurse I didn’t bother going for the teaching session, I just thought I would get on with it although I wasn’t sure how I would be actually stabbing myself! All went fine though, I appeared to get my work hat straight back on! I was thinking of the 5 R’s: Right drug, right route, right dose, right date and right time! All went fine, the leaflet that came with my injections was really self-explanatory, and so even if I wasn’t a nurse it wouldn’t have been difficult to follow, the injecting bit was the easy part! WOW did it sting and continue to sting for about 45 minutes! A nice red blotch appeared on my stomach and I was glad of the 40 minute drive into work to distract me from the stinging! All is well again now that I have made it into work! Not had any other side effects except for feeling like someone had turned on my internal thermostat!

 I am still walking like John Wayne this morning after the gym on Monday – I am so unfit! Will give the gym a miss today but will definitely try and get my 10,000 steps in!

Although I have made some adjustments (primarily cutting out alcohol, 32 days dry today!), I am going to continue to try and eat a balanced diet without making any major changes (we have enough going on!) – moderation is key, as is a little bit of what you fancy! I will however try and keep a daily food diary – just so I can see if my idea of balanced is actually balanced! Also the distraction in keeping a diary – will hopefully stop me stressing!

 Todays diary

Breakfast

Porridge

Glass of hot lemon water

Dandelion tea – when I got into work

Mid-morning

Ginger tea

Lunch

Ham and salad sandwich on brown bread

Orange

Ready salted crisps

Dinner

Peperoni chicken breast with sweet spuds and peas

Smoothie made by hubbie (milk, strawberries, dried bananas, flax seeds and honey)

We couldn’t resist

 Opening the box of chocolates!

On to day two I go!