amaintainedrisk
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first of all, I apologize for Siri. My eyesight has been really bad since all of this has happened so I canāt see at all what Siri is screwing up or not. So if a sentence makes no sense, I apologize. I canāt see the picture.
Iām still trying to piece together what happened to me. The backstory is, about a month ago I started having heart palpitations really badly. Not a fast heartbeat but a pounding heartbeat. So I thought it was cardiac issues so he went to a cardiologist and they found nothing on the echo. Thatāsā¦ When neurological issues setting. all the symptoms I had before my 2009 Chiari surgery weāre slowly repeating themselves, but 1000 times worse. I just felt really really heavy and it felt like someone had their hands on the top of my head and weāre pushing my head down. All of this also made the cardiac symptoms worse. So I made an appointment with a neurosurgeon and by the time he saw me, I couldnāt even walk into his office. I was wheelchair-bound. I couldnāt lay in a flat position and I just could not breathe and every day the symptoms were getting worse. But through it all, I had all my mental faculties and I knew exactly what was going on and processed everything. I was mentally stable. The neurosurgeon ordered CAT scans but they needed to be approved by the insurance first so I had to wait andā¦ They never got a chance to be approved.
on Tuesday, November 26, my hospice nurse came out in the morning. He brought along I knew Nurse because heās switching routes so Iām getting a new hospice nurse/case manager and she was going around meeting all her new patients with him. They came in and saw me sitting in the hospital bed in the middle of the living room and saw how pale I was and said I needed to go to the hospital and that I didnāt look well at all. I refused at the time but I had planned on going sometime later that week if things didnāt get any better. I was just trying to stay out of the hospital as long as I possibly could. Bad mistake.
like I said, that was on Tuesday. I felt awful but I had my phone about me. I understood everything, I felt like shit and walk to the bathroom if I had to. I couldnāt go up the stairs anymore though. I just couldnāt breathe. so that was Tuesday. The next few days are really fuzzy to me. I think it was by Wednesday afternoon I started losing it and losing control. My memories are all screwed up. I just remember sitting in the bed downstairs And talking to mom and watching things on TV and being up in the middle of the night just sitting in bed for no reason, not sleeping. I donāt know how to clean it. Itās so fuzzy. by Friday afternoon, all hell has broken loose.
I remember very little from the day I was admitted into the hospital. I was admitted into the hospital late Friday night, just before midnight. So technically Saturday morning. But mom called an ambulance on me because I was pretty much just sitting in the bed screaming, And moaning, and when I would talk I would only say one word sentences that made no sense. And I actually remember some of the work. I was just sitting up in bed screaming the word ādiamondā and āokey-dokeyā and shit like that over and over. My mom would ask what was wrong and I would just say diamonds or okey-dokey over and over. I remember some of that. I was mentally gone and when I wasnāt making any sense I was screaming at the top of my lights. I remember my mom telling me over and over and over and over and over to stop screaming because the neighbors will call the cops because thatās how loud I was being. But the reason I was screaming is because I couldnāt breathe. And I couldnāt convey any of my thoughts outside of one word sentences that made no sense.
here comes the embarrassing part. Except Iām not that embarrassed to say it to you guys because youāre my best friends. in the last 24 hours of being admitted, I was peeing and pooping in the bed. Iām not sure. I had a potty chair/bedside commode by the hospital bed that I was in, in the living room, and I couldnāt even make it to there. I remember consciously sitting in the bed and thinking that I had to go really badly but I couldnāt move so I just soiled myself right there in the bed. I lost control of my bladder and my bowels. When my mom came down Friday morning and found me laying there covered in urine and pooping in the bed, thatās when she really really wanted to call an ambulance. that mustāve terrified her. One of the reason she didnāt call the ambulance is because after what happened to me in Cleveland, both times, she promised me she would never call an ambulance until I said it was OK to call the ambulance. And apparently I was in the bed taking her not to call the ambulance yet so she was just following my orders that I had laid out from before. so she cleaned me up and change my clothes and thatās why she kept trying to get me to talk and I would only use one word answers. Then around midnight I went to the bathroom all over myself again, in both ways and I was sitting in the bed screaming and yelling out those one word answers and just yelling at the top of my lungs. so around midnight my mom cleaned me up again, and by this time I couldnāt even move. She had to undress me, clean me up, and then redress me oh by herself and then she called the ambulance around midnight Friday.
DMV aunts came and rushed me to Saint Joeās hospital. I donāt really remember that much. I remember the sound of the sirens and the EMTs coming in and having to lift me off the bed onto the gurney. I remember them trying to get an IV in the ambulance but I hadnāt eaten in a month and was so dehydrated they couldnāt. I remember arriving at the hospital and just not being able to breeze. By that time I can only communicate in grunts. I was so gone. Honestly, the first few days in the hospital? Iām not sure whatās real or not. Which memories are real or not, because I lack so much oxygen to the brain that honestly some of my memories are just fucking made up. Iām actually going to set my mother down tonight and talk to her and ask her which memories are real and which art and what happened the first three days in the hospital because honestly, I donāt know. I remember somethings but I donāt know if the realā¦
what happened to me? Why was I fine on Tuesday but soiling myself on Friday? The doctors think it was a combination of my neurological disorder and me internally bleeding somewhere slowly. Somewhere inside me there was a slow internal bleed and thatās why I was so pale and unable to breathe. I had six blood transfusions while I was in the hospital lol. I probably shouldnāt laugh at that butā¦ Wow. it was the closest I ever came to this. My doctor said that, my mother said that, and I fucking agree. My mom said it because it was the first time that even my mental faculties were gone. when I was discharged from the hospital that Doctor said my hemoglobin score was the lowest score he had ever seen in his 30 year career. The doctors and nurses said my score was the lowest score they had ever seen, with that person actually surviving. they had never seen someone with that low of a score survive, let alone remain conscious. They kept drilling that into me. That nobody has ever walked away from that Louisville score before. I think they were doing that because they wanted to make sure I didnāt wait so long to call the ambulance again the next time. And yes I said the next time because they think it will be a next time. They never found the bleed. Itās still in there somewhere. Itās justā¦ Stopped for now. But it could start up again at any time.
The next thing theyāre doing is making me take that test where are you swallow a pill and itās actually a camera. That way they can look for the bleed in the areas the endoscopy canāt reach. So they have to schedule that. Theyāre trying to do it quickly because the normal score is in the range of 12 to 14. When I got to the hospital, my score was two. So yeah that was pretty low. I canāt get my medical records until the middle of the week next week, and when I do Iām going to take pictures and scan them in to show you all the levels. I should not be alive right now. I should not be alive right now. I do not know how I made it through that. Hopefully I can beat the internal bleed to the punch and get this test and find out whatās wrong before fucking starts up again. I almost lost it in there. I was floating in between fantasy and reality and right now I donāt know which is which so thatās all Iām going to say for now until I talk to my mom and try to sort out my thoughts and my memories.
So yeahā¦ Crazy month, am I right? What else is now.ā¦ By the way, my mother pretty much save my life. And I have to give her props for cleaning me up and taking care of her daughter when she was 33 years old and laying in her own filth and respecting her wishes and not calling the ambulance until I gave the OK. but I gave the OK kind of late so I already called my mother in the hospital that if this happens again, do not wait for me to say yes. Just call the ambulance before my levels drop and I actually donāt survive the next time. My mom said OK. So I have that safety plan in place but yeah.
I know my mother and I have had some hard times, especially over my aunt who my motherfucking told that I was in the hospital when I asked her not to and Iām pissed off about that but considering my mother saved my life I decided not to bitch her out for it. Itās not like she ever listens to that anyway, she told my aunt everything so now my aunt fucking know so Iām just waiting for that time bomb to hit. But since my mother cleaned me up and continue to do so in the hospital, what kind of person would I be to yell at her for that right now? I donāt want to be like my aunt or my mother in some respects. Iām upset that she told my aunt but yeah, she cleaned me up and got me to the hospital. Iām going to let this one go.
like I said, I am so fucking fuzzy on everything that happened from Wednesday the 27th to about Sunday morning. Iām talking to my mother tonight to see if I can please so until then, this is my little helper today. I am most hit the dust again. fucking shocker. Hopefully they can find the bleed before it starts bleeding again but at least if it does, I know the symptoms and I can get to the hospital a lot sooner. That way I donāt need six fucking blood transfusions and a miracle like I did this time and apparently Godā¦ For once.
so how was your Thanksgiving? mine was eventful.
Turning onto noā¦ That was the scariest week of my life. I honestly felt myself end it was you moments I do recollect screaming in pain and not being able to breathe my last moment from home, and then coming around in the hospital still not been able to breatheā¦ I thought myself floating away. I was terrified. I remember trying to talk and just being able to grunt and moan and stare down and justā¦ OK I just burst into tears thinking about it so Iām just going to end this for now lol. Iāll post more when I clear up my memories better. Thatās just it for now. I need a break.
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I need air
I wonder if all the guilt I have about Carly dying has anything to do with the cardiac issues Iāve been having. if it does, itās well deserved because I should have taken him to the vet instead of letting him suffer like that. I shouldnāt have been afraid that he would have a heart attack himself out of fear if he even left my room, let alone the house and entered a veterinary clinic. I should not have let that stop me from taking him, and I did. Thatās not the only reason I didnāt take him. I cannot shake this feeling that I let him suffer and die when he didnāt need to and Iām wondering if the mental is having an effect on the physical. Me stressing out about this constantly for months on end now, not only has kept my blood pressure up but could have weekend my heart muscle on top of it. My symptoms didnāt start until a month after he died and they have gotten a lot worse in the last month. I cannot help but wonder if my guilt is literally killing me. if it is, I definitely deserve it for letting my baby die like that. Maybe this is my punishment for what I have done. I canāt breathe but I canāt sleep either so Iām pushing through it to write this. Iām tired of having it locked up in my head. Maybe I canāt breathe and Iām having cardiac issues because of all of this. This guilt will not ease or let up, and I donāt want it to because itās the least that I deserve after what I have done to him. he was the only creature and living being that cared about me and loved me. If I had a loving family, I probably wouldnāt have focused everything I have on him and I wouldnāt have needed him the way I did. I still would have loved him just as much, but it wouldnāt have been such a needy love the way it was. He was just a cat but even four months after he dies, I still canāt get over it. Itās embarrassing but I canāt help it. iām honestly wondering if my cardiac issues are because I lost him the way I did.
I canāt breathe but all I want to do is keep talking and I just canāt. My chest is forcing me to stop. I overdid it already but I needed to let this out. I donāt know what to do about anything anymore.
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here we go again
Itās been since June 18 since Carly died, and I still canāt stop thinking about how I let him suffer by not taking him to the vet and trusting him strong enough to go. Itās been months and all I have done the last three days in a row is cry myself to sleep and dwell on how bad he mustāve felt and how much she needed help, and how I didnāt get him the help he deserved. Because I was afraid he would get scared and have a heart attack so I just let him suffer. I keep thinking of all the instances where he was clearly uncomfortable and confused, maybe even in pain or scared and I could have stopped it had I taken him to the vet and I didnāt. I made the wrong choice and he died. Probably painfully. Donāt know why itās weighing on my mind so heavy these last three days. I feel like a terrible person. I made the wrong choice. I am so ashamed. He was always there for me and I wasnāt there for him. He may have just been a cat but he was all I had especially since my family just hates me. I own him everything and I gave him nothing in the end and I will never, ever, Ever, EVER forgive myself for that, I deserve the forgiveness. After what he went through the last month of his life, the least I can do is feel awful and blame myself for what Iāve done. I deserve it. I donāt know why Iām dwelling on it again. The pain started to let up and I started thinking less about what happened, but it just came roaring back and Iām crying so hard right now I canāt breathe because Iām thinking of my daily suffering and needing me to help him and I did nothing. After he save my life how many times?
Itās been months. This guilt will never go away and I know itās because he was all I had. And this is how I treated the thing that meant the most in the world to me and loved me unconditionally even my family use me as a punching bag. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself. I am no better than my aunt. I treated him like she treated me. Maybe thatās why am growing on it. She and I have gotten into it a few times and I didnāt have Carly to go back to after she hurt me. Or maybe itās because Iām having trouble with my heart now and I donāt know whatās wrong and itās scaring me. Either way, Iām back to blaming myself for his death and I feel just awful for it. I made all the wrong decisions. What is wrong with me? Why did I make all the wrong decisions and why am I still harping on it so badly months later, that months later Iām still crying myself to sleep and hating myself. I cannot turn my mind off. I feel like Iām about to have a nervous break down for more than one reason, a carly and what happened with him is a major part of it because I feel so guilty even now. I feel so guilty that Iām more upset about this bill then I am over other stuff that I honestly should be more worried about, like whatās wrong with my heart. But I canāt think of that right now. Iām too busy going over in my head all the ways he suffered and all the ways I didnāt help. If something is really wrong with my heart, I deserve i. Iād let down and killed the only thing that loved me unconditionally and deserved my help the most. I am a terrible person and I feel so embarrassed even talking about it because Iām a grown fucking woman and here I am crying over a cat. But he was my lifeline and it was because my family hated me. I felt so unloved. I know he was just the cat but with everybody hate you, even the tiniest bit of love, even from an animal, consume your life. He stopped me from going over the edge so many times and I let him down the one time he needed me. God why canāt I get over this? why did I even do what I did in the first place? why am I an adult crying over a cat all these months later? What am I doing? Iām just breaking and I donāt know how to make it stop. And I donāt want it to stop because I feel like I deserve it. What have I done?
Iām so sorry, Carly. not that it matters.
Too little, too late.
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My mother once again refused to take her seizure medication and sheās having another seizure and when that happens, she gets so angry and violent and all she tries to do was hurt me mentally and physically yesterday was the nine year anniversary of me having my eyesight stolen from me because of her and she knows how hard this time period is on me, especially without Carly, but she doesnāt care. I have not eaten in two days because I was not allowed out of my room without getting attacked. She stole my blood pressure medication because sheās mad at me and blames me for her life being ruined and she wonāt tell me where it is. my blood pressure is 204/1 635b and my pulse is 160. The normal is 120/80 and the pulse is 80. my only choice is to go downstairs and take what comes and try to find my meds but I donāt think itāll work and honestly, I donāt think Iām going to even try. I canāt do this right now. I feel like Iām gonna have a heart attack or stroke and leaving my room will just make that worse. she fucking knows how hard this time of year is on me and every year she either gets drunk or just treats me like shit and I could not bear it this year. I donāt have anyone here to love me anymore. Iām all alone. Not being able to leave my room was bearable as long as I had him. my mother just fucking hates me and she wants me to know it and I canāt do this anymore. All I can do is sit here and pray my blood pressure goes down because Iām not leaving this room to look for my meds because I donāt want to get attacked again. I canāt take it physically or mentally. My chest hurts so bad and Iām afraid Iāll have a heart attack if I go near her. I donāt want to give her that because I know itās what she wants because she out right told me that months ago. I have her on tape saying that if I had a heart attack and died in the middle the night she would be happy. Iām just trying to get through these next few days and now that I donāt have my meds I honestly donāt know. This just isnāt worth it. I feel like Iām going to have a heart attack or stroke. So if something happens tonight, I love you. I donāt think it well but I want to be prepared because I canāt take my meds and I canāt come down and I canāt do the stress anymore. My body just doesnāt have it in me anymore. I donāt know why my mother does this or why she hates me. I honestly donāt want anything to happen tonight because I donāt want to fucking give that bitch what she wants. The only feeling I have left for my mothers hatred. But thatās only because she hates me. I tried to take care of her and in return this is what happens. I have to stop talking my chest is killing me. I donāt know what to do. I love you. I donāt want to scare anyone with this entry Iām just so afraid somethings going to happen tonight and I wonāt be able to say I love you again. My chest really hurts and thereās nothing I can do about it. I canāt call 911 because it will get my mother arrested and if that happens we lose the apartment. Sheās already taken so much for me Iām not letting her take The apartment too. Iām not going to a homeless shelter because of her so I canāt even call 911 for my chest pain. Why does she do this? Why would she take her meds? Why does she hate me and why does she do this when she knows Iām having such a hard time? I canāt breathe anymore. I love you no matter what happens tonight. I just wish you would leave me alone and give me a break and not hurt me like this. Iām so alone. I donāt want to die alone. Iām so lone. Why did you do this to me?
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away away
just woke myself up from a nightmare by screaming in my sleep to the point where I was actually screaming in real life. The nightmares keep getting worse. this is in the first time I scream to myself awake and the neighbors actually complained, but I canāt help it. I keep having nightmares about Carly and letting him down and just letting them die while he clearly needed help and was asking me for help, yet I did nothing. I wake up crying hysterically because I keep picturing him laying there asking me for help and I just walk away to leave him to die, alone and wondering what he did to deserve it. My precious little boy, and this is how his life ended because I made the wrong fucking decision. I donāt know how to get over that. I feel like a murderer and a terrible person and it is haunting me in my sleep to the point where I screw myself awake. I feel so, so guilty. I canāt get away from the guilt even in my sleep. Oh my God, what have I done? This is all my fault. What have I done? Iām so sorry, Carly. Iām so sorry.
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please read this before you listen to the clip. It probably wonāt make sense out of context. The clip is only a minute long or so but for some reason my explanation of it is 60 pages lol. I donāt know. Iām sorry. Itās been a bad day. Youāre about to reply.
The video/audio clip starts out with the Fossett running. You can hear that clearly. Then you hear my mother saying something muffled from the other room, and which she is saying is āare you messing with those cats again?ā And I went āwhat? I canāt hear you.ā And I turned the Fossett off and walked into the room where she was and asked her again. From that point on you can hear the conversation perfectly. you hear me say āI donāt know what your fucking problem is but donāt start on me tonightābecause she had just spent the last half hour yelling at me for all the things I listed above and calling me names and I just couldnāt take it anymore. I was down there giving the cats water and thinking about my precious Carly and missing him so badly when she just started yelling from the other room about playing in the sink with the cats and messing with the cats, I donāt even fucking know what it was in her head. I have no idea what she thought I was doing and what āmessing around with the cats in the sinkā meant but I had just fucking had it. I hit my limit. I was standing there thinking of Carly and missing Carly and my drunk mother start around me for no reason. My drunk mother accused a 33-year-old grown woman a plane in the sink with cats. That sentence has about 40 absurdities in it. didnāt you hear her say about me having the sink on for āthat whole timeā as if there was a fucking limit on how much I could use the sinkā¦ I just couldnāt take it. After 30 minutes of name-calling and abuse, followed by that time limit thatās apparently they are now, I just busted out with āI donāt know what your fucking problem is but donāt start on me tonight.ā I just couldnāt take it anymore, mainly because I knew Carly would not be waiting for me in my room when I got back up there. I knew that unconditional love that was there to comfort me alwaysā¦ That was gone now. So I was going from being downstairs with someone who is trying to hurt me, my own mother, to going upstairs and being completely alone when at least I used to have Carly. And I had that in my head when I started yelling back. A person can only take so much and I have been drowning in grief and guilt lately, I just cannot take dealing with abuse anymore. I donāt know why sheās doing this. But I never know why she does this.
The recording is only a few seconds long because after I told her not to start on me, I burst into tears and ran upstairs just to get away from her and honestly, I donāt want anyone to hear that. Itās embarrassing enough to put this out there, it would be twice as embarrassing for everyone to hear me crying and running up the steps to get away from my abusive mother. I just wanted to make a Quick clip so people would know what I was going through, even now in my time of need they donāt let up. And I just want to put them on blast for that even if it makes me look bad for being 33 years old and allowing my family to abuse me. Iām just tired of them abusing me in the shadows. If theyāre going to abuse me I want everyone to see and hear. So even though this clip is embarrassing enough as it is, I feel itās necessary in order to show my home life and what Iām dealing with, even when I need it the least and I need support the most. Even when I need support the most I donāt get it. I get this. I get yelled at for turning on the sink.
this is one of the reasons why I havenāt replied or read any messages. I spent all my time dealing with my grief and my guilt over Carly and what I have left I have to waste my breath on with my mother. My mother picks fights with me and that leaves me out of breath and then I canāt write a text message or reply or update anything. You have no idea how hard tonight has been and how much Iāve had to force myself to write the century. Itās taking hours.
I just donāt want to let this go unnoticed anymore. I want people to hear all the ways they start fights with me and for nothing. No reason. I just wish I had taped the phone conversation where she was calling me all those names but if you go to mine vineo Account, thereās a lot of videos up there where you hear my mother doing exactly that. Thereās a ton of videos up there of my mother telling me things like she would be happy if I had a heart attack and died, or that I deserved to be beaten when I was three years old by my aunt. thereās videos up there of her saying itās nice of my cousins to tell me Iām a humpback monster and theyāre in barest to be seen with me because at least theyāre telling me the truth and thatās a good thing. Iām not joking. My mother said all of those things, I recorded them, and I uploaded them to my account so I donāt feel that bad about not recording the phone call tonight because I already have all that other shit up there to prove it.
whatever, it doesnāt matter. I donāt care anymore. I really donāt.
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I canāt talk much, I just wanted to give a small update. Although thereās nothing really new going on. Iāve been trying very hard to deal with the guilt of Carly dying. I honestly feel like I could have done more and I let him down and I let him suffer. The guilt has been so bad that my blood pressure is sky rocketed End it will not come down. And when it gets really high, it affects my functions. I canāt speak or use my hands and considering my blood pressure has been in the 200s/150s When the normal is /80s, Itās dangerously high and my hospice nurse thinks Iām going to have a stroke if it stays up there. Medicine wonāt lower it and he said itās because if Iām stressing myself out, the medicine wonāt work and Iām counteracting it. But I canāt help it. I feel so bad. If I had just forced Carly to go to the vet instead of being so afraid he would have a heart attack out of fear, he would probably still be here. He couldnāt go to the doctor on his own, he trusted me to take care of him and I let him down and now heās gone and I canāt make it up to him. All I have done is cry and it is taking a toll on my physical health but it isnāt something I can control. I feel so guilty. Even my mother has been nothing but nice to me. My mother. My mother has done nothing but tell me it wasnāt my fault and I need to get out of my head and stop second-guessing myself. The woman who makes life miserable for me, the one that made it so Carly couldnāt have a mobile vet come and put him to sleep the previous Friday because she had a seizure because she refused to take her medicine, that woman has been nothing but nice. That tells me she must really be afraid of what Iām doing to myself in order to make my blood pressure skyrocket like that and stay up that hard for so long. But again, I canāt help it. All I think about is how I made the wrong choice and he paid the price for it and I am just so broken. I keep trying to go into details but it gets too much and I just have to stop. I want to keep going into detail about why I feel so bad, itās not grief itās guilt, but I can never make it through an update without bursting into tears. I just wanted to make And update because I have it updated for like six days and I didnāt want anyone to think something had happened to me. Iām still here. I just donāt know what to do with myself. I canāt believe how stupid I was. I made the wrong choice and because of that, a living creature died. One that I loved like my own child. Dealing with this guilt is taking a toll on my health and I want to stop but I just donāt think I can. If you feel guilty you feel guilty. Nothing will take that away so I have to keep dealing. Iāll make an update next week sometime that goes into detail about every little thing and posted on my blog but for right now Iām just going to have to try to get through the weekend. I love you and Iām sorry I havenāt responded to any text messages. Itās so hard to even breathe let alone speak. Itās taken over six hours total to write this. I have to keep starting and stopping. Iām so sorry.
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This is the lowest my blood pressure has been the last week, with all the stress Iāve been under. A normal blood pressure reading is 120/80. so clearly, I am in stroke territory right now with how high it is and how long it stays there.
Iām just so stressed out about Carly, mainly because my mother is giving me no support whatsoever and I just hung up the phone with her where she was yelling at me about how much money sheās been spending on Carlyās food. Again. She knows this is our last night together and sheās trying to guilt trip me about how much money she spending on keeping a carly fed so he doesnāt starve to death. And obviously her mental torment is making me have a physical reaction to the point where my blood pressure has skyrocketed from the stress. iām about to lose the most important thing in my life and this is artist thing Iāve ever had to do and not only is my mother not supporting me, sheās going out of her way to make it worse. But Iām not getting into all the details tonight because Iām not gonna waste time talking about my fucking family when I could be spending time with my beloved Carly.
he is the only thing that matters right now.
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lol, we have a tornado warning and instead of calling me to warn me and make sure Iām aware, and Iām safe, my mother calls my aunt to make sure she and my cousins are aware first even though they arenāt in the path of it. She was on the phone with them for over 20 minutes and after she hung up, not only did she not call me second, she didnāt call me at all. I was standing out in the hallway listening to the whole conversation. She kept going on and on about how worried she was for them and she wanted them to stay safe and she did not give a fuck about me at all. She was watching TV at the same time and it was on a local station where they were breaking in with the tornado warning and she kept saying āoh God it looks really bad, It might hit us over here at the apartment complex.ā and not one time did she mention my name or even think to let me know so I would have a good chance of survival. She just stayed on the phone with her beloved sister and nieces and nephews and even after she hung up, she didnāt even call me or come up to get me. She didnāt care at all. At all. It broke my heart but I donāt know why I keep letting this shit surprise me.
at least it wasnāt like the conversation she had with my aunt yesterday where she called her and told her I was being my usual self, a.k.a. horrible person and I kept attacking her and yelling at her and saying things to her like I couldnāt believe how stupid she was and I donāt think she can do anything right. The only problem with her saying those things to my aunt is the fact that her and I didnāt even talk that day. Iāve been avoiding her because of how cruel sheās been about Carly. Thatās another story. So I did not talk to her at all yesterday but yet sheās calling my aunt and lying to her to make me look bad so my aunt will abuse me the next time she sees me.
And yetā¦ Iām surprised she didnāt warn me about the tornado morning?
I still havenāt been able to get Carly to the vet because he just wonāt stop freaking out if I take him out of the room and I donāt want to have a heart attack. But he wonāt eat at all anymore, heās just drinking wet cat food. Like gravy and things like that. So I told Mom to keep buying wet cat food because thatās all heās eating and I donāt want him to waste away and starve to death. Her response? She canāt keep buying him that kind of food because of money reasons, money reasons that I know arenāt true. we might not be rolling in money but sheās acting like we donāt have a dime to our name and she keeps exaggerating about how much the bills are to make it look that way. Little does she know that I also get an email for about 80% of the bills the same way she does so I know how much it actually costs. Like she said the electric bill was $400 this month when it was only $202. Not only did I check the email but I I called the electric company and they confirmed it. Sheās fucking lying about that so she wouldnāt have to buy Carly food. Then she turned around and said she has no food her self because sheās buying him all this food. Again, another lie. The refrigerator and all the cupboards downstairs are covered in food that she bought for herself. And when she said that to me a few days back, I got angry and went down there and threw open the refrigerator and the cupboards and said āyou have no food? Whatās all this?ā and she started stuttering and saying itās not real food, itās barely ingredients to make actual food but she doesnāt have any actual food. I didnāt argue with her because I donāt even know what the fuck that means, but I know itās a lie because I checked the labels. Are used the zoom on my phone and it took over an hour to check like 20% of whatās down there and I gave myself a massive headache, but I looked and it is not ingredients. Itās real food. Again, whatever the fuck that means. But now sheās trying to say that either she eats or Carly eats, but it canāt be both and thatās absolute bullshit.
I told her as much because I will sit here and suffer if it comes to me but I will not let Carly suffer if he doesnāt have to. No way. Then she told me that either she buys Carly food or she buys me food but she canāt buy both. So now sheās telling me itās either me or Carly and I picked Carly even though I know sheās full of shit. Iām blind, thereās nothing I can do. I canāt drive to the store myself and she has my Social Security card with all my money on it and she wonāt give it to me. Iām at her mercy. So this is day three without me eating. I carly is more important and I hate playing her fucking game but she knows I have no choice. Sheās using a carly against me to hurt me.
by the way, I donāt eat that much. Because of my stomach problems I only eat once a day. Itās been that way for many many years. And about seven times out of 10, itās just a bowl of cereal. Just one bowl. A box of cereal lasts me a week and a half. And sheās telling me thatās too much money to spend to feed me. A gallon of milk every two days and a box of cereal once a week, thatās all Iām eating and thatās too much to pay. She gets paid. I get paid Social Security income. And we both get food stamps. But yet, she canāt afford to buy me a box of cereal and some milk. Right. Sheās doing that to punish me. What else is new? just fucking imagine how hard it wouldāve been on me had I been a normal person that eats three square meals a day. Like, threefull square meals. I only eat once a day and itās a bowl of cereal so I really donāt see how thatās even a square meal. But yet, too much. She either buys Carly cat food or she buys me food. Thatās the choice Iāve been given so now Iāve been scrounging around in my room trying to find snacks like old saltines or leftover cereal somewhere so I can eat. But Carly is more important. he needs that food more than I do.
Oh, and I got it all on tape, too. I recorded all of that. I Recorder her screaming at me because I love Carly and yes she said exactly that. I should not care that much about that cat. I care more about that cat than her. I have her on tape parading me for a half hour and calling me names simply because I want my 16-year-old cat to live. I will upload that sometime in the beginning of next week. I donāt have it in me this weekend. And I canāt even say why exactly because I know if somebody sees this and turns her in, she will definitely get arrested for it. She out right committed a crime and I canāt say shit about it because if I turn her in and she gets arrested, I end up in a homeless shelter or a group home because I have nowhere to go. And I wouldnāt even be able to take Carly, he would have to be put down and thatās exactly what I have been trying to keep from happening this month. So if she goes to jail, it will actually hurt me more than her. Until I have another place to go, Iām stuck and she knows it.
look how my family treats me and abuses me. How much they hate me. And people wonder why am so attached to Carly. For 16 years heās been the only family member to show me any love back. For 16 years heās dried my tears. For 16 years the heart that he has that speeding inside him right now is the only heart that has ever beaten for me and loved me. Heās never abused me or made me feel hated. He may just be a cat but he is the only Family member who cares. At all. I donāt want to lose that because if he goes, I will be completely and totally alone. He is the only reason I have hung on this long because I always knew at least I had him. There is at least one other living being here that loved me and wanted me. Once thatās gone, I donāt know what Iām going to do.
thatās a lie. Thatās a complete lie. Iām sorry. I know exactly what Iām going to do once thatās gone, which is why I want him to stick around because once heās goneā¦ We are both gone. I canāt do this alone. I need SOMEBODY with me, otherwise the loneliness will be too much to bear. I am trying so hard to keep him going but my mother is doing everything she can to not only let him die but let him die painfully and I will not allow that. The day she stops buying food for Carly is the day I do turn her in because then Carly and I have nothing else to lose so she doesnāt know it but sheās playing with fire.
and Iām not going to give her a heads up about that because she wonāt even give me a heads up about a tornado warning. Sirens are going off now, by the way. And Iām on the second floor and she still hasnāt notified me yet. She does not care about me at all. Sheās just down there right now talking to her beloved sister, a.k.a. her real daughter. And Iām honestly wondering if the reason she isnāt warning me is because she wants me to die. Then sheāll be free of me burdening her. I try to tell myself not to be that dramatic butā¦ Why isnāt she warning me? If I go downstairs right now I bet anything sheās hiding in a closet like she was the last time. And she just left me up here to take what comes. It honestly feels like sheās doing it on purpose end it breaks my heart. this is why I need Carly. This is why. Without him, this is all I have and I am not strong enough to take that all by myself.
oh, and earlier today I was downstairs when I heard on the TV about the shooting in Virginia. I ran to my phone to Google how far away Virginia Beach was to where Christina lives so I could see if she had been at risk, and my mother asked what I was doing. And I told her I was worried about my friend because she lives in Virginia and AGAIN she made it about her. āYou care more about your friend than you do your own mother. Just like that cat.ā
and all I fucking did was trying to check to see if Christina was OK. I tried to see if my friend got shot and my mother took that as an insult to her. She is the most immature, selfish self absorbed person I have ever met and known about. Well, next to my aunt obviously. They are both straddling that little wine. honestly, they are more self-absorbed than fucking Donald Trump. Thatās bad.
sirens just got louder. Both Niles Ohio and Warren Ohio have their sirens blaring now. I can hear both because I live right on the city line. Right on it. To the point where some of the bills are from the city of Niles and some are from the city of Warren because of the way my address is. I am right in the middle of both cities so I can hear both cities sirens when they go off and now both of them are going off. And still, no phone calls. No coming up to get me. She still down there on the phone worried about her real family.
I cannot Lisa carly. I cannot do this life without him. I cannot take the way they hurt me and do it completely alone without any comfort from another living creature. If he dies, I die. I canāt do this alone. My family hates me so much. They just hate me so much and I donāt know why. Iām not saying Iām completely innocent but nobody deserves what they do to me. Look at what Iāve posted on my VINEO Account. Look at what I posted in past entries. For God sake, look at what I just posted in the century. There is nothing that anyone could do to deserve to be treated that way. No one deserves to be paraded because they were afraid their friend got shot inā¦ Never mind it doesnāt matter. iāve rambled on and on once again because I could not hold it in this time. Iāve been holding it in for over two weeks and I just couldnāt do it again tonight. She left me up here to die. How the fuck am I supposed to hold that in? I am so alone and so hate it and I donāt know what to do. Right now my priority is Carly. He needs to go see a vet but he is too panicky to be taken anywhere. He needs a mobile vet but I canāt find any that are willing to come to my area. And he wonāt get better without a vet.How the fuck am I supposed to hold that in? I am so alone and so hate it and I donāt know what to do. Right now my priority is Carly. He needs to go see a vet but he is too panicky to be taken anywhere. He needs a mobile vet but I canāt find any that are willing to come to my area. And he wonāt get better without a vet. Itās A vicious circle and I donāt know what to do to help him. I just need a break. Carly needs a break. We need to get away from here.
Where ever we go, we are going together. Itās just a simple as that. Iām not going to live like this all alone and by myself, and Iām sure as hell not going to make a carly do the same. Whether we leave this apartment or just leave this earth all together, we are going together. What happen tonight just cemented my resolve in that.
The news just said a tornado has touchdown 3 miles west of here. Which means itās coming this way. Whatever happens, Carly and I will face it together. Whether itās the storm or my family, we will face it together just like we have the last 16 years.
iām done talking for tonight. I have to keep my eye on the weather and monitor it with no distractions. I honestly donāt think itās going to come down our street or anything, but if it does, I want to be prepared because Iām not going downstairs. Iām staying up here with him. But I need to focus.
iām sorry for whining again. At the age of 33 years old, there is no excuse for any of this. Iām sorry. I love you.
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audio proof
These videos are password-protected. The password for all of my videos is ādaniā without the quotation marks, of course. my first name is my password to all my protected Vimeo uploads.
on the phone with my mother, where she tells me itās my fault I got abused at three years old, physically, by my aunt simply because I left the room: https://vimeo.com/300103444
my mother laughing at me because I got her, and then throwing her phone and hitting me right in the face because she was mad that my phone was broke and I needed her to make a phone call for me so I canāt find my medication because my pharmacy wouldnāt carry it anymore: https://vimeo.com/297641273
my mother making excuses for my family telling me Iām too ugly and deformed to be seen with me in public because of my back. The conversation with my mother saying I would feel the same way with her when she has her seizures if we were out in public, but my mother has had seizures out in public before and I have never been embarrassed and shamed of her. Thatās why I kept yelling āitās already happenedā because it has and I was never embarrassed. She then goes into my cousins were just being nice when they were telling me I was too ugly to be seen with because they were trying not to hurt my feelings in public. Yeah, I know thatās why I kept yelling āitās already happenedā because it has and I was never embarrassed. She then goes into my cousins were just being nice when they were telling me I was too ugly to be seen with because they were trying not to hurt my feelings in public. Yeah, I know. : .https://vimeo.com/297632955
my mother being nasty to me and making me cry over various things. Honestly, I donāt remember exactly what because itās been so long since I uploaded it and I donāt have it inside me right now to listen to it and feel that pain all over again. The few seconds I listened to it to try to figure out what it was all I heard was her screaming at me and me crying for her to stop hating me and thatās all I could take so I turned it off. I donāt want to hear it again.: https://vimeo.com/270006846
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passing along informationā¦
This is a text I sent to Monsie. Iām posting it here to explain where I have been and why I havenāt responded back even though I have a new phone. Iām having difficulty speaking which is why Iām also just copy and paste it in here because I canāt go through it all over again. But considering the only people who have my blog or Monsie, Christina, and Justin, Iām not sharing private thoughts with strangers who donāt know any of us. We all pass along the same information anyway lol. my text to Monsie:
I love you too. Iām sorry it took so long to reply. My Chiari has gotten so much worse and there are days where I canāt even speak. Thank you for your condolences. itās been so hard since my grandparents died because of my mother. She promised me she wouldnāt talk to my abusive aunt and my cousins anymore once they died because there would be no reason to and of course that was a lie and she didnāt keep her promise so I have to keep dealing with that now too. And when I say something about her breaking her promise she turns it around to make it seem like Iām a terrible person for wanting to abandon my family and demand she do the same. Iām being unfair even though my aunt mentally abuses me and my cousins bully me and say Iām so Gross because of my back disorder that they donāt want to be seen in public with me. And itās gotten worse now that Iām losing the ability to speak. Todayās the first day Iāve been able to speak in a week and a half. I donāt know what it would take for my mother to love me enough to put me first before them. My hospice nurse even told her it wouldnāt be that much longer for me and she wonāt even get them out of my life so I can die in peace. Whenever that will be. I just got screamed out all day for being heartless and being angry that my mother was on the phone with them today when my aunt and cousins were here yesterday hurting me. And since I canāt speak to fight back half of the time I donāt know how much more I can take. Itās taken almost 8 months just to get this phone and now that I have it it might be too late because of how Iām losing my ability to speak.
my mother seizures have gotten a lot worse as well. I have to take care of her even when I canāt speak or lift my head. When I call my aunt or cousins for help they hang up on me. So I have to do what I can and I think the stress is whatās making it so much harder to speak because stress aggravates the symptoms. if I havenāt been so stressed out lately because of them, I probably wouldāve been able to text you and Christina when you first texted me back a few weeks ago. But these are the people my mother would rather have in her life than me and I donāt know what to do with that. It hurts. Iām terrified of the day I lose control where I canāt use my arms and legs and I canāt get away from them. Iām terrified the abuse will turn physical once that happens but my mother just doesnāt care end it breaks my heart because your mother is the person who is supposed to protect you above anyone else and not only will she not do that, she goes out of her way to put me in the way of an abusive family. and what makes it worse is how she treats me when I beg her to make them leave or go away or write them off because Iām tired of being hurt by them. They come into our house and abuse me and thatās OK but if I ask them to stop coming or ask my mother to stop talking to them, Iām a terrible person and I get called a bully for āforcing her to write off family members.ā iām just scared the abuse will turn physical again when I canāt protect myself.
Iām so sorry it took so long to respond to you and Iām so sorry for whining and complaining about them again. The only reason Iām doing it is because I want you to know I wasnāt ignoring you or your texts. The reason I havenāt texted back is because the stress has been so, so great it has rendered me unable to speak for the last three weeks or so. I promise I wasnāt ignoring you. I was just dealing with my family and trying to take care of my mother seizures because whenever I ask my abusive aunt or cousins for help, they hang up on me so I have to take care of my mother myself but my mother refuses to return the favor. I actually put a lot of conversations I recorded of me and my mother up on my vineo Account so people could hear her say things to me, like how I deserve to get beat when I was three when my aunt almost broke my arm. I just wanted people to know what I was dealing with so they knew why I was so stressed out I couldnāt speak. So they knew when I said my family hates me and stresses me out, I wasnāt lying. The only reason my phone got fixed is because my mother wanted me to record my grandfatherās funeral. She didnāt fix the phone for me, she did it for herself otherwise I wouldnāt even have a phone right now. it had nothing to do with trying to help me. These last few months without you have been really rough. I put links to all those videos on my Tumblr/blog so I could document that the abuse was real. Itās just been a really tough time but you texting me again means everything to me. I have health updates that I need to talk about but I donāt have it in me tonight, especially after all the whining I already just did to you. Iām so sorry for that. I just wanted you to know why I didnāt text back right away. All the stress I am under is causing my body to shut down and my speech to deteriorate. I donāt even have it in me to check and make sure Siri didnāt fuck anything up in this note. Iām sure she did.
I love you so much. Thank you and Christina for literally being the only light in my life right now. you have been the whole time I havenāt had a phone. The thoughts of you is what kept me going. All those videos on my Tumblr that I posted? Of all the abuse? If I didnāt have thoughts of you in my head, I wouldāve ended it along time ago. thank you so much for being my guardian angel and never giving up on me. Please tell me how youāre doing and how your health is and if thereās anything I can do to take care of you or make you smile and make you laugh or anything. You have done so much for me so please let me do something for you if I can. I love you so much. So much. you guys are my priority. I havenāt been able to talk in weeks and the first chance I get, the first thing I do is text you. You were on my mind 24/7. I love you so much and again, Iām so sorry for all the whining. I know it gets exhausting. You are such a good friend and I am so blessed to have you in my life, little, Let alone have the honor of calling you a friend and having you call me a friend back. You are so special and I love you so much.
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My papa has been Dead less than four hours and my mother has already started her rampage against me. I knew she would start taking her grief or whatever the hell it is out on me, I was just hoping to avoid it tonight. No such luck.
I love you guys so much but thereās only so much one person can take. I have no grandparents left and the one family member who never hurt me just died. I asked if there was going to be an autopsy so we knew what happened and I literally got my head torn off, got called names and yelled and screamed out. Iām locked in my room at the age of 32 years Old
AND FUCK SIRI FOR HER RANDOM CAPITALIZATION THAT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A FUCKING MORON. UGH.
I should have known better than to go to my mother for comfort. Thatās my own fault for doing it. Iām just so upset I didnāt know what to do with myself and I just made everything so much worse. I just wanted a hug. I just wanted my papa and I didnāt know what to do with myself so I was hoping for one night, just maybe my mother would act like my mother. But I should have known better and that honestly was my own fault for going down there in the first place expecting comfort when I know how much the rest of my family hates me and uses me as a punching bag. I didnāt meet my father until I was 24 years old. My grandfather raised me so itās like I lost my dad not my grandpa. It hurts so bad. You have no idea how much I mean SC right now. Matt, Kim, and especially Resa. I miss everyone so much. I am so appreciative of A Monsie and A Christina and A Justin sticking by me no matter what, but honestly it breaks my heart that it seems so easy that the rest of sc just seemed to have no problem letting me go, as if I wasnāt worth being friends with in the first place. Especially during times like this. But I already whined about this before and everyone has moved on without me and thereās nothing I can do about it. But for some reason itās just a fact that is always in the back of my mind every day because of how much I loved them. never mind. Iāve said this all before. Iām just so lonely and I just want my papa. He was the only one who loved me in this family and thatās probably why SC is on my mind so much tonight. As long as I have power, I didnāt tell her if my family hated me because at least I meant something to someone and I donāt have that anymore.
now that my papa is gone, there is officially nobody in the family who gives a damn about me. There is only so much one person can take and I would give anything to have gone with my papa tonight.. at least then he wouldnāt have died alone and I would finally be free of all this pain that I know is a bout to get so much worse over the next few weeks because itās already starting. I donāt mean a fucking thing to anyone and I honestly wonder if I ever did. if I meant something it wouldnāt have been so easy to just move on without me and once again here I go with that bullshit whining. Iām sorry. I just want this to be over with. Thereās literally nothing left for me now that he and most of my friends are gone.
Iām going to stop talking now because this entry I just wrote? 63 times I had to stop and correct what Siri fucked up. Yeah, I counted. Itās infuriating and Iām already on the edge. I just wish my papa took me with him. Iām so tired of being told Iām worthless every night and I havenāt even mentioned what has been going on the last two days alone. My mother beat the crap out of me with her purse while she was having a seizure and I was trying to take care of her. Itās not just mental anymore, itās physical.
I do have my uncle Billy but my mother will not let me see him. Sheās mad at him because he left the family after the way my grandmother and my aunt treated him and his wife and his kids. My mother holds that against him but yet makes excuses for my aunt physically abusing me when I was three years old, and it Turning on emotional and a purple abuse after that. Itās wrong for my uncle to protect his family and that makes him a bad person and my motherās head, but my aunt physically beating me to the point where she almost broke my arm is just no big deal.
I called my uncle for support and my mother heard and just attacked me and took it as a betrayal. But my aunt trying to put me in a homeless shelter and doing everything she did, itās perfectly acceptable for her to stay in our lives. But Iām not allowed to talk to my uncle and I just got screamed out for 20 minutes because of it.
I literally have nowhere to go and thereās only so much one person can take. I have nobody. I just called my uncle out of Greece and now Iām going to be paying for it for days. I am already on hospice anyway so whatās the point if I go now or wait until my neurological disorder kills me sometime this year if I donāt get Americal? My friends didnāt want me. My family doesnāt want me. The only friends that did, I can barely get to, and the only family members that cared, One I am not allowed to talk to you and the other just died.
I just wanted some comfort. I couldnāt get it from my mother so I went to my uncle and now I probably wonāt even be able to leave my room for days as punishment. It hurts so much that my mother faults my uncle for doing so little but she absolutely loves the sister I would be absolutely ecstatic if I was dead and gone for good.
ā¦ I just wanted to grieve. I am so fucking stupid for reaching out to my mother and then to my uncle. I think itās just time. The loneliness is too much. The pain is too much. It would just be so much better for everyone and my family if I wasnāt here anymore, something that was actually said to me verbatim last year. iāve been forgotten by one group of friends and Iāve been hated my entire life by my family. I give up. I just fucking give up. I have no phone to even try to find support and the only way I got to my uncle Billy in the first place was through some sort of FaceTime app thing he sent me for my iPad because he knows Iāve been without a phone for over six months. Thatās how my mother found out I was talking to him. she heard me through my door and I had to talk loudly because like I said, Iām stealing my neighbors Wi-Fi and itās spotty at best so the program only works half the time and really isnāt worth it. I was just desperate and boy did that fucking backfire. iām just really lucky that my mother isnāt tech savvy and didnāt put two and two together and realize I was online by stealing somebodyās Wi-Fi. The only real way to get in contact with me is through my iPadās iCloud account, from the one I sent at Christmas time. Iām true. Iām trying so hard to hang on but my fingers are slipping. I canāt take the abuse, the loneliness and feelings of abandonment, and I canāt take these memories anymore. I just want to go. I hate sounding so emo and suicidal but I am so tired of crying myself to sleep. Thereās a lot of other stuff going on too but I just canāt tonight. I still have my temporary dental bridge in from July 2017 because nobody will take me to the dentist. I look like a fucking hillbilly and I canāt even smile without extreme embarrassment and shame, But over the last few years I havenāt really had something to smile about so itās not like it matters.
I miss my friends. I miss the old me. I hate and Iām extremely hurt at how easy everyone has moved on without me as if I didnāt even matter. And I hate being hated by my family. Thereās only so much I can take. and I am humiliated that I am 32 years old and I am allowing this to happen to me so I should share some of the blame and fishing as well.
And all this because my grandfather died and I just wanted a hug. I just wanted someone to hold me while I cried for my papa. I should have known it was too much to ask for. And now that heās dead, my aunt is going to be in my life even more than ever because sheās a lazy piece of shit and refuses to grow up and take care of herself. She makes everyone do it for her and everyone actually does so. She has six kids and has been arrested for welfare fraud. My grandfather was taking care of a 43-year-old woman with six kids and now that heās dead my aunt is going to expect my mother to do so. And my mother will.
I just want to fucking go. I just want to be with my papa. Iāve been trying to hang on because I wanted to have at least a resemblance of a life, at least some happiness before I die, but thatās not going to happen because Iām not allowed to go anywhere, I canāt get my teeth fixed, thereās no way any man would want to be with me if you saw the way my teeth look worse all the way my back works. Nobody wants to be with an ugly woman who canāt even smile. I have like two T-shirts and two pairs of pants because I canāt go out shopping and I canāt meet anybody new because nobody will take me so clearly, that happiness Iāve been holding out for is never going to come. And now I feel like total shit for making my grandfathers death all about me.
iām so sorry for being a horrible friend and a horrible person. iām so sorry.
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i'm sorry if anybody is worried about me.
I think the most disturbing thing about the century is that Iām not even scratching the surface about what has been going on around here and what my family has been doing to me but I donāt have it in me to tell everything right now. Itās going to have to wait until this headache passes.
Still don't have a phone. The abuse has gotten so much worse and I cannot get anyone to help me. My mother and my aunt have done nothing but torture me since my grandmother died and taking it out on me. I've spent the last three months locked away in my room, and I'm lucky if I eat once a day. They have turn the Internet off so I can't use my iPad to tell anybody or talk to anyone to tell them about this. The only reason I can update right now is because I waited for my mother to leave and I want and ask my neighbor for her Wi-Fi password. She was kind enough to let me use her Wi-Fi.
One of the reasons the abuse has gotten so much worse is because my grandmother completely destroyed her house and we didn't know it. We were trying to clean it up but we didn't have time and they gave us an evection notice and now we are being sued for the damages my grandmother left. They have been taking their frustration out on me. My medicine has been stolen over and over again and I can't tell my nurse because I'll get put into a group home with people who have mental illnesses and don't take their meds. there have been reports of people being attacked there and I'm blind and can't defend myself. I know I'm being abused here but it's the evil I know. At least hear there's no chance of me being sexually assaulted again like at the Cleveland clinic.
Today alone on my mother has done is scream at me and tell me I'm worthless and how much life for her would've been better if I had been born. How much she loves my aunt and my cousins more than me. How much easier it's going to be for everyone once I'm gone. I've spent all day in my room crying while they told me this and laughing. I would not let them in my room but that didn't stop them from doing it outside the door. They wanted me to hear. I have always known he hated me and considered me a burden but whenever they get stressed out they take it out on me. Now because of what my grandmother did to her house, we might get sued and obviously we don't have the money. So it's been taken out on me and for two months straight it's just been me at the age of 32 years old being locked in my room all day long. Some days I don't even go down to eat. It has gotten so much worse since my grandmother died and that's why I haven't said anything because I'm so tired of giving bad news and talking about how much my family hurts me.
even worse, my mother seizure condition has gotten worse so I have to listen to her tell me I'm worthless every day and then turn around and take care of her at night. So she doesn't throw up in her sleep or swallow her tongue. I'm barely getting any sleep and it's worse when I don't have my meds because they're being stolen and again, if I report them, I'll get put in a group home with people who could really, really hurt me. my mother has been screaming at me all day and I can tell she starting to have a seizure so I have another long night ahead of me of taking care of the person who told me recently that if I had a heart attack and died. She would be happy. I actually recorded a bunch of stuff my mother said to me, about how I deserve to be beaten when I was a little kid and I recorded her laughing at me when I fell and hurt myself and I uploaded it all to my vineo Account. I password-protected The videos because they are embarrassing and I didn't want anybody but my friends to hear it. The password for all of my password-protected videos is just my name: "dani" without the quotes.
to make matters worse, my health has been declining as well. As my brain sinks down into my spinal cord, I am now myself having seizures. It means I've entered the last stage of my condition. but I have to suffer through my seizures alone. No one will help me so I just collapse alone in my room and wake up whenever it's over by myself and if I say something I get called a liar and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm terrified one day soon I'm going to have a seizure and I'm not gonna wake up and I'm just going to be laying up you're dead for weeks because no one will check on me. It scares me the most for Carly because I don't want him to starve to death because nobody knows to feed or water him because I'm not allowed to do it. The doctor told me I had less than two years to live in June and I've spent the last seven months alone and dealing with this by myself and knowing the end is coming and my life has been completely wasted and I can't do anything about it now without making it worse on myself. I don't want to die in a homeless shelter or being assaulted in a group home, Which my social worker has said there have been reports of in every group home in this area.
I had to stop typing this because my mother came upstairs to pick a fight with me and told me she hates me and she loves my aunt and my cousins more and she doesn't care that they abused me. They are her family and I am not . I'm her worthless burden daughter who does nothing but disappoint her. And I'm going to have to take care of this woman all night to make sure she doesn't swallow her tongue or throw up in the middle of the night. I don't have my medicine. I won't be able to sleep and I haven't eaten today and I'm having my own seizures but I have to take care of my mother because if she doesn't have me she will die in her sleep and it will be all my fault and then that would make me no better than her. I am not my family. I may be a burden and yes, it would've been better if I wasn't born but I'm here now and I'm not going to do to them what they do to me every day. I even put up a video of my mother telling me I deserved to be beaten at the age of three years old because I left the room. It's on my vineo.
do you see why I haven't updated? Nobody should have to sit through my whining and crying about the same old thing again. About a 32-year-old woman who is being abused and letting it happen. I've been waiting six months for a new phone and now the Internet is gone so i've beensk for my neighbors Wi-Fi password and I am praying she doesn't tell my mother she gave that to me. I couldn't ask her not to say anything because that would've drawn too much attention to it and probably would've screwed me over even worse. so I have the Internet again nowā¦ Kind of. It's really spotty. But it's better than nothing.
Another reason I didn't want to update is because I know that Monsie and Christina would ask me to move in with them. and I can't with my health declining so much. I cannot ask my friends to literally be my nurses aids. Especially now that I'm having seizures and I've entered stage four. It is going to be much worse later on if I don't want to spend the last few months I have being a burden on me only two people who care about me and don't abuse me. I refuse to do that I will slowly lose my functions and I am not going to be some unholy burden thatā¦ I can't even say because it's so embarrassing. Let's just say the symptoms, near the end, we're going to make me lose control of every single one of my functions. if that wasn't the case I would leave in a second because I am getting just so fed up with life but I'm just having thoughts of ending it every day. Not because of the physical pain but because of the mental pain of being told I'm so unloved and worthless and a burden. The mental pain of knowing my life has been a waste and at the end I'm going to die unhappy and alone. Never experiencing love or life of any kind and Diane a complete failure of a human being. I have tried so hard to get away from these fucking people but I can't without hurting myself more. my grandfather is dying now too and I can't even see him. I have no family here because my mother has told every family member that I have left a bunch of lies about me so they think I'm a horrible person too. They don't know that I spend almost every night sitting by my mother's bedside making sure she doesn't die from her seizure, only to be told I'm worthless and hated all day the next day. The only reason I ran for my neighbors Wi-Fi today is because today it has been particularly hard and abusive and it's caused me to have two seizures today alone. I'm so tired of all of this and I'm just ready to die already because there's no point in staying. Last night at 6 AM after I was done with my mommy duty and watching her over her I just laid in bed and cried and raised my arms and screamed out please help me to a God I don't even believe in. yelling out to the ceiling for someone to hold me and tell me I'm not worthless I'm not a burden. To tell me I'm loved. To tell me not to be scared to die because I won't have to die alone and my life hasn't been a waste. But of course my pleas went
unheard. I am so tired of my mother choosing my aunt over me after all I have done for her and I would do anything to get away from her but I'm out of options, especially with no phone and now no Internet except for the spotty Wi-Fi.
So that's why I didn't update. I had no Internet but even if I did, what good would it have done? It's just the same thing every day. I am so alone and so broken and so scared and it's my own fault because of the age of 32 I shouldn't be allowing this to happen. I'm so ashamed of my family, and of myself. if I could find somewhere to go that would take my Medicaid and a doctor would treat me, and it wasn't a homeless shelter or group home and it wasn't where I would be a burden to my friends, I would go in a heartbeat. in a heartbeat. but I can't find a place like that. My aunt stole my great grandmothers rings when I was in the hospital and my mother knows it. It happened years ago but today she brought it up again and said she didn't want to hear me talk about her stealing it because she's sick of me picking on my aunt for little things. Stealing family keepsakes given to me by a family member that died when I was 12 that I deeply loved isn't very little but she said I was a bad person for bringing it up. My aunt isn't bad for stealing it but I'm a bad person for talking about her stealing it and it just got worse from there when she started talking about all the ways she cares more about my aunt than me even though my aunt treats her like shit as well and refuses to help her. Even though she knows I'm the one taking care of her all night long she still packs my aunt over me and all I heard about today is how I'm not part of the family and how everyone has always been sick of me.
Yeah, this whiny shameful update really needed to happen. It's just the same abusive shit that has just gotten so much worse since my grandmother died. I was hoping it would get better but I was completely wrong and completely stupid for even thinking that. Of course it got worse.
And again my mother is now outside the hall so I have to whisper. She's faking a phone call to somebody or she actually is talking to somebody and she's doing it loud enough for me to here so I can hear her telling them all these lies about things I said or did today that I never did or said just because she wants me to suffer because she stressed out and wants to take it out on me.
ā¦ It's been 35 minutes since I wrote that last line. I just had another seizure. The stress is literally killing me faster and I don't know what to do. If I tell on them I go to a place that's extremely dangerous and a blind person cannot defend themselves like that. I'd rather be yelled that van raped or beaten, the way people have been in there Group houses that are my only option. I looked up news reports and police reports and they are just not safe so I have to put up with this.
if you can see this or read this, thank you for your friendship because it's the only thing that has kept me going even though I haven't talk to you in months. You are all I think about and you were the only reason I have ever felt loved in my life. without you I would be dying never knowing what love felt like at all so at least you gave me back and for that I am so grateful and I miss you so much. thank you for being my friends. I'm about to go to bed tonight feeling alone and hated by my family. Going to cry myself to sleep wondering why my mother loves my aunt more than me to the point where she's happy that my aunt abused me. It's going to break me and give me nightmares like it does every night. But every morning I wake up and think of you and I hold on and I would give anything to be with you right now if only I would be such a burden. You can try to text my iPad. Hopefully I will get it now that I have Wi-Fi but my phone is completely a no go. I miss you guys so much and I love you so much and I'm so fucking sorry for being a bad friend and for once again doing nothing but whine and complain. I don't deserve you but I'm so glad to have you anyway. I love you.
I love you.
this is the link to my Vimeo Page:
https://vimeo.com/user79298455
although I just noticed that I donāt think the password-protected videos are listed so I have to post each link one by one down here. Iām not asking anyone to listen to all of them. Or even one of them. I just put them up here so I can document the way my mother treats me so people know Iām not making it up or lying when I say my mothers abusive. The password to each video is the same one: dani
Deserved to be beaten
https://vimeo.com/300103444
Mental and physical
https://vimeo.com/300103444
when they abuse me, itās to protect my feelings
https://vimeo.com/297632955
worthless
https://vimeo.com/270006846
nervous breakdown
https://vimeo.com/266402098
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just a ride on the wheel
https://www.wkbn.com/my-valley-tributes/cheryl-leslie-palmer-obituary/1569337914 i'm the oldest of the 15 grandchildren. I'm going to have to speak at her funeral on behalf of all the grandchildren so my mind is kind of buzzing right now. so much has gone on the last few days before she died, and every day sense. She suffered greatly in the last 24 hours of her life and she died because of a hospital mistake. I'm not kidding. If the hospital hadn't fucked up, she'd still be alive. But I can't get into details right now. Her services will be held on Thursday. I cannot update or go into details until after then because I'm so busy and I have things to do and the eulogy to write, and everything else that goes along with a funeral and the death of a loved one. I've had to step up and take care of both my mother and my abusive aunt because they have fallen apart and they can't handle this the way I can. I have been at deaths door so much that I see and handle death differently so I've been trying to take care of everything I possibly can so they don't have to do it. Even after all the flights, she was still my grandmother and I loved her very much and I'm going to miss her deeply. I'll get into more details after the funeral. I also finally got my new phone in the mail. I have to take it out next week, Monday or Tuesday, and get it turned on. my old phone won't even turn on anymore, I'm using the iPad and I redirected all my text messages to my iPad, but I can't respond back. but I will finally have my new phone and be able to talk to you guys again on Monday or Tuesday. Because I rerouted my text messages, my beloved Monsie, I got your text. It meant the world to me and I love you very much and I love you too. I will text you back as soon as I get the phone turned on. I've been waiting to text you back for like three weeks now lol. My phone hasn't been turned on in like a month. Thank you for your text. It helped me get through the day. I love you.
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