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[amamablog]

my 2020 books (final count)

i know there’s a week left but i’m doing it now bc idgaf 

2020 reading goal: 70 books

final count: 84 books

why be happy when you could be normal - jeanette winterson

educated - tara westover

astragal - albertine sarrazin

the importance of music to girls - lavinia greenlaw

a room of one’s own - virginia woolf

ariel - sylvia plath

find me - andre aciman

men explain things to me - rebecca solnit

pennies for hitler - jackie french

south and west: from a notebook - joan didion

girl, interrupted - susanna kaysen

junky - william s. burroughs

chelsea girls - eileen myles

lighthousekeeping - jeanette winterson

new york city in 1979 - kathy acker

the colour purple - alice walker

teaching my mother how to give birth - warsan shire 

diving into the wreck - adrienne rich

pamper me to hell and back - hera lindsay bird

the hours - michael cunningham

the road - cormac mccarthy

the vagina monologues - eve ensler

the white album - joan didion

slouching towards bethlehem - joan didion

lunch poems - frank o’hara

a thousand mornings - mary oliver

draft no. 4: on the writing process - john mcphee

peter pan - j.m. barrie

can everyone please calm down? - mae martin

mr salary - sally rooney

breakfast at tiffany’s - truman capote

to kill a mockingbird - harper lee

woolgathering - patti smith

the coral sea - patti smith

just kids - patti smith 

little women - louisa may alcott

the secret history - donna tartt

the boy who followed his father into auschwitz - jeremy dronfield

the place on dalhousie - melina marchetta

harry potter and the philosopher’s stone - j.k. rowling

the cement garden - ian mcewan

paula - isabel allende

the book of dirt - bram presser

my purple scented novel - ian mcewan

the agonist - shastra deo

the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off! - gloria steinem

art objects: essays on ecstasy and effrontery - jeanette winterson

the trauma cleaner - sarah krasnostein

mrs dalloway - virginia woolf

jacob’s room - virginia woolf

the collected short stories - virginia woolf

remarkably jane: notable quotations on jane austen - jennifer adams

the death of noah glass - gail jones

click here for what we do - pam brown

stories of perth - alice grundy

too much lip - melissa lucashenko 

the erratics - vicki laveau-harvie

on photography - susan sontag

no friend but the mountains: writing from manus prison - behrouz boochani 

harry potter and the chamber of secrets - j.k. rowling

courage calls to courage everywhere - jeanette winterson 

harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban - j.k. rowling

boy swallows universe - trent dalton 

harry potter and the goblet of fire - j.k. rowling

the waves - virginia woolf

the lost child - caryl phillips

harry potter and the order of the phoenix - j.k. rowling

howl, kaddish and other poems - allen ginsberg

harry potter and the half-blood prince - j.k. rowling

between the acts - virginia woolf

the life to come - michelle de kretser

the tales of beedle the bard - j.k. rowling

harry potter and the deathly hallows - j.k. rowling

rebecca - daphne du maurier 

books v cigarettes - george orwell

honeybee - craig silvey

an unquiet mind: a memoir of moods and madness - kay redfield jamison

the tattooist of auschwitz - heather morris

the graveyard book - neil gaiman

cilka’s journey - heather morris

the dark room - rachel seiffert

the seven husbands of evelyn hugo - taylor jenkins reid

currently reading:

sense and sensibility - jane austen

when the moon is low - nadia hashimi 

selected poems - christina rosetti 

[amamablog]

“But if you forget to reblog Madame Zeroni, you and your family will be cursed for always and eternity.”

[amamablog]

[amamablog]

You know, I keep seeing all these posts going around lately about “being a daughter” that, frankly, as an eldest daughter myself, I find… Pretty horrifying?

I want to make something very clear: Being a daughter is not inherently a tragedy. If your parents treat you like shit and try to convince you that’s just how life is for girls, if your mom treats you as a therapist, if your mom never apologizes when she mistreats you, if you’re “inheriting” your mom’s trauma, those are signs of abuse. You may have been manipulated into believing they are normal, whether intentionally or not, and it’s likely that both you and your parents should seek therapy.

I promise you, those things are not normal, and you should not stand for them. Demand better for yourself! And most importantly, stop talking as if these are normal things. For every post about the “tragedy” of “being a daughter”, there is likely a girl out there who will think “Well, I guess the way my parents treat me is normal and ok, then,” and continue on believing that the abuse she suffers is normal or even justified.

Instead of telling victims of abuse that this is just the fate they’re doomed to, we need to make it clear that what they’re going through is not normal, not ok, and that they can and should fight for better lives for themselves.

If you truly find yourself relating to many of those “daughter trauma” posts, I’m so sorry you had that experience. Please know that it’s not normal, it’s not your fault, and if you need to please seek help. Women are not a tragedy- Your mom just sucks ass, and that’s on her, not humanity.

[amamablog]

(First Trimester)

by Craig Santos Perez

[we] are watching a documentary about home birth when [you] first feel [neni] kick // embryo   of hope // they say plastic is the perfect creation because it never dies // litters the beaches   of o‘ahu, this “gathering place” // the doctor recommends a c-section // in the sea, plastic multiplies   into smaller pieces, leaches estrogenic and toxic chemicals // if [we] cut open the bellies of whales   and large fish, what fragments will [we] find, derived from oil, absorbed into tissue // because plastic   never dissolves, every product ever made still exists, somewhere, today // i wish my daughter was made   of plastic so that she will survive [our] wasteful hands // so that she, too, will have a great future

[amamablog]

Two month vaccination

Mackenzie did way better than I did. I had to get my husband to hold her so the doctor could do the shots while I gagged and cried a little in the corner. 🙄

[amamablog]

Six week baby update

Baby Mack was born six weeks and three days ago. Labour wasn't bad once they gave me fentanyl and then the epidural m I was crazy to think I could do it med free. I also don't regret choosing to use meds after all. My hubby didn't sleep for 27 hours before she was born, at least I got to sleep before they woke me up to push haha.

Our first night with her was incredibly difficult. I was exhausted, my husband was exhausted and we had no idea what this kid wanted at all. Now, six weeks later I think we are pretty good at identifying her cries. She seems to love us, based on the smiles we get and how excited she acts when she sees us. I'm her favourite place to sleep and she loves pulling on her daddy's chest and face hair. She loves kitchen party music and yesterday she fell asleep to Barrett's Privateers. Brahms Lullaby is her favorite sleeping song though.

I had no idea I could love anything this much. When she cries and I can't fix it it breaks my heart in ways I didn't know were possible. I stay awake while she sleeps just to watch her little face smile in her sleep.

She has her daddy's dimples and her mamas eyes/lashes so far. She shares a blood type with my husband's mother and my mom's chin and forehead. She gets a huge kick out of my mom and just giggles non stop at her. She loves sleeping on my dad as much as she loves sleeping on me.

Mackenzie Grace is the best rhiyin my life and the happiest thing I've ever chosen ❤️.

[amamablog]

reblog and make a wish! this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

[amamablog]

things that are nOt okay:

going through your children’s things (phone, journals, backpack)

talking badly aBout your kid to other people

insulting your kid both to their face and behind their back

“this is my house you have no privacy”

hitting your kid

compare them to other kids

[amamablog]

First bumpdate on the tumblr

36 weeks. My balance is completely gone and I cannot keep anything in my hands lol.

[amamablog]

"34" week appointment

Really it's my 32 week appointment. My dr has decided with no input from me that she will be inducing me so the baby comes before she goes on vacation for three weeks. I would think the right thing to do here would be to transfer my care to another doctor or acknowledge that the iwk will be more than capable of dealing with me when I go into labor but apparently causing me stress and upsetting me, and inducing me way too early because it's her schedule and exposing me to unnecessary interventions= more important than my and baby's well being.

[amamablog]

We've got 7-9 weeks left to go

And I'm feeling sad because I've just been starting to enjoy the pregnancy bit and now it's almost over!

I love the kicks and how she responds to my touching my belly. I love my husband kissing my belly and telling her goodnight. I love how much my husband and I have bonded over our mutual and separate dreams, hopes and fears for ourselves, the birth, the future, our lives.

I'm feeling cute as hell and have bought some nice maternity clothes that make me feel great. I'm done work as of yesterday (July 7th). I'm looking forward to the rest of the summer- going for walks and drives with my husband and just relaxing while I can. I have had two sick days since Christmas and one weekend off of work where I was in a wedding. I feel I've earned the time to be a little lazy❤️

[amamablog]

‪GOD I found another article about why ADHD kids say “I don’t know” so much. my entire childhood was getting yelled at for doing some ADHD shit and me not being able to offer an explanation when asked why I did something. ‬

[amamablog]

Follow Mamancy 🤰👶❤️

[amamablog]

A rant about doctor's

So at my last doctor's appointment my doctor did her thing. Everything is going well. My blood pressure is great, I passed the GDM screen, I'm measuring well whatever that means she has yet to clarify. She has stopped telling me she will gladly induce me at the start of August ( a month before my calculated due date, something she refuses to take into account)

So here it is. She won't take my word on when we conceived. My husband and I definitely conceived November 30th/ December 1st, 2018. It was at two in the morning. Literally the only time and opportunity we had for sex that month since we were both working two jobs for the first time. My period was from November 12-17 and I ovulated December 2nd. (Yes I keep track! Be familiar with your body! Learn how you work- it's incredible!) We got a positive pregnancy test on December 17th. It's lovely that she uses her little wheel to calculate my due date, but she's telling me baby girl is coming August 19th, and my ultrasound confirmed what I felt to be appropriate- September 4th.

Now that's a pretty large difference, two weeks and two days. I've asked her to please take this into account and until my husband asked her, she just did that vague smile and said sure uh huh.

Here's what gets me. Absolutely fucking enrages me.

Back in February my husband went to our regular family doctor to get his blood type. (I'm A negative so we needed his Rh factor) Our regular family doctor told him he was B negative. Sent the paperwork to the doctor I'm seeing for the pregnancy, who has has this since February.

It is the end of June. I received a call yesterday from the receptionist at the doctor's office telling me that my husband is actually B positive.

The RH shot is given to women with negative RH factor (like me) at 28 weeks gestation and again 72 hours after birth. At my last appointment my doctor was saying that I am good and don't need to worry about it. She took me at my word for this, something she could have easily checked and shown me, when at no point she has taken me at my word on anything else this pregnancy. According to her calculation is be about 31 weeks. I'm really only 29 weeks.

She's away right now and I'm so bloody grateful to the receptionists at the office who noticed this while they were filing my paperwork and decided to call me yesterday. I'm grateful to the on call doctor who squeezed me in to get the consent form, the explanation of what to expect, the order and the reassurance that it's okay to use my date and the ultrasound date and that the wheel isn't right for everyone. I'm grateful for how professional the entire office was with me and for the hug that the one receptionist gave me as I was leaving. I'm even grateful that they offered to call the hospital and make the appointment for me.

What I'm not grateful for is this huge oversight by both my primary care physician and my current pregnancy physician. And I'm allowed to be feel how I'm feeling.

[amamablog]

A very close, good friend of mine asked me how I felt about arranged marriages. She has a son who will be about 18 months older than my daughter (who will be born at the end of August/beginning of September) my response was that I hope she's smarter than to fall into a relationship with someone before she knows who she is, like I did and like my friend did.

And then I got upset. What if I can't do right by my daughter? What if she makes the same life choices that I did? How do I allow her to suffer in the same ways that I did? My husband has some of the same fears but he's fairly confident we can give her the best of both of us. I hope he's right.

[amamablog]

Baby girl

It's April 16, yesterday we found out you present as a female. I have so many hopes and dreams for you, I can't even begin to start to line then up without getting incredibly emotional. You have been wanted for so so long, and yet now that you're a reality your daddy and I are in total shock. We hope we can do right by you in every way, every day. We want you to be an intelligent, independent person who knows what you want and isn't afraid to work for it. I hope you get my stubbornness and your daddy's kindness, you won't get far in life without those things. Most of all I want you to have a voice. If I can give you nothing else I hope I can teach you to speak for yourself.