amandamcnair - Tumblr blog

[amandamcnair]

I recently was asked to write a short bio and include a picture for it. Naturally I had to use one from our 10 year session because the photographer did such an amazing job. I felt this one really felt like it encapsulated me.

I was asked if I felt the photographer saw my soul in the picture and I said yes, but that answer brought a somberness with it. That’s who I want my soul to be, but if I’m being honest, I know my soul isn’t always that joyful. I was recently diagnosed with PMDD and discovered I’m not only estrogen dominant, but I also have high levels of progesterone. What this explains is my oft depressed mood whether others realize or see it. It explains the painful monthly cycles, the bouts of sadness, numbness, the sometimes desire to just not get out of bed, loss of interest in the things I once loved. It’s been a wake-up call for me - not only in regards to my own health, but also that we only know what people let us in on. So if you have a friend or loved one that seems distant, or just not themselves, be patient, be gentle. Let them know you’re there for them, love them, pray for them. ♥️ And hopefully, one day, they’ll start to feel more like themselves, more like the person that pictures captured. ♥️

[amandamcnair]

It’s May again and that means its Pelvic Pain Awareness Month. For me, and many others, it’s #vaginismus, but there are others that also go unmentioned: #vulvodynia, #endometriosis, #gpppd, and the list continues. If you, or anyone you know, has questions or needs a safe place for community, please check out www.ladyssparrow.org and www.anchoredandenough.com

[amandamcnair]

This picture is three years old. Three years ago, we were flying back to Ohio from New Hampshire after my Botox procedure for vaginismus. Very few people knew we were going, let alone why. It was before this trip I told my parents and my grandparents. It would be later that year I would publicly talk about it on Facebook. Two days prior left me feeling more full of hope that a big part of our relationship could experience healing that it hadn’t had before. I would love to say that ever since that day 3 years ago, it’s been easy, smooth sailing. It hasn’t been, but the one thing vaginismus is unable to do was tear us apart. I’m so glad he has been willing to stick it out with me and stick by me. Vaginismus doesn’t define me, my relationship with my husband, and it doesn’t define you. I’m always here if you need an ear.

[amandamcnair]

That holiday feeling...

The holidays have a way to stirring up all the feels... It’s a time when people make big life announcements or ask questions of us about our current life situations which can sometimes serve as a reminder of the things we don’t currently have but long for and probably have for quite some time... I wrestled with God this week with something I’ve longed for that hasn’t been realized and I don’t when (or if) it ever will be, and the phrase in the image came to mind. I don’t expect this to be a comfort to everyone - sometimes those big battles we face wear us down to the point where our faith is literally the size of a mustard seed. If this is you, I want you to know I see you, I know the feeling of sorrow and hurt when you realize that surrendering what you wanted to God is your only option. Sorrow and pain are fickle friends - they will let you down and betray you over and over. So as the the holidays are now upon us, if you need an ear to listen, or a shoulder to lean on, or a wad of tissues to bawl your eyes out (trust me, I have plenty #icryateverything) I’m here for you. And if you and I don’t have that kind of relationship, there is comfort found in realizing this road has been walked by so many others before us and that there are so many others surrounding us. Happy Thanksgiving my friends 💛

[amandamcnair]

theAwkwardYeti.com

[amandamcnair]

Vaginismus Is A Real Thing

and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. Doesn’t matter the cause. Always seek consult and treatment, if you feel it might be effecting you

[amandamcnair]

[amandamcnair]

Dog does not understand

[amandamcnair]

I always knew I'd see my name in lights someday ✨✨

[amandamcnair]

We all know what erectile dysfunction is but literally no one is ever taught what vaginismus is and it can cause people to feel extremely lost, broken, and cause people to take their own lives. Raise. Awareness.

[amandamcnair]

Life isn’t fair...

For someone who has a deep sense of justice and fairness, I always hated hearing that.  I can’t stand being accused of doing something I haven’t done, no matter how trivial, and I hate to see my loved ones pained by things that are out of anyone’s control.

I have decided recently that I would very much like to stop adulting.  I don’t want to keep growing less and less innocent / bright eyes becoming dulled and bushy tail becoming thin and limp.  Adulting seems to mean more responsibility (bills and stuff), jobs, trying to keep the house clean and realizing more every day how unprepared you are for the unfair, real, and hard stuff life brings with it (or is that just me).

It’s not fair that I have vaginismus.  It’s not fair that vaginismus is idiopathic (we both learned a new word today).  It’s not fair that my dreams and hopes have been squelched by a condition that at least 1 out of 10 women will experience at some point in their lives. I was blown away by the support I received from my last post and it’s taken me 5 months to follow up because I just didn’t know where to go from there… Do I talk about my feelings and how vaginismus has affected me? That’s probably the biggest part of my journey; but then I wonder if people care about that, and then I wonder if I should be caring at all if people care… see the cycle…?  Welcome to my basically every day…

I tend to be an all or nothing kind of gal, especially when it comes to things I want.

I’m not inherently a person that loves ambiguity.  I don’t actually know if anyone *loves* it, but I know plenty of people who can deal with a certain amount of it…. Me too, as long as I know that I’m going to get what I want in a reasonable time frame, meaning now.  See the problem?

So when God tells me to wait, I take issue with it. It’s not fair (see, full circle)… It’s not fair that I have this condition and that no one can tell me why.  And it’s not fair that I know other women who also live with vaginismus whose dreams or hopes or expectations have been shattered.  It’s not fair that there’s a girl out there feeling completely broken because her body has betrayed her.  

I wish I had some sort of answer or a why or something concrete to blame, but I don’t and that makes having any sort of unexplained condition all the more unbearable sometimes.  But, I promised myself a while back that I would not let my pain and hurt and frustration go to waste.  I don’t want any girl to feel the shame I have felt or the loneliness of having no one around who truly gets it. I want people who don’t have vaginismus to know about it so they can help someone they love get help and receive a sliver of hope that it’s not all lost. 

I’m here for you when you need an ear or a hug 💛 I will plug Lady’s Sparrow Foundation every blog because it’s truly been a light for me and other women. Make sure you visit and share - you never know who you know that may be searching for that one thing to help them.

[amandamcnair]

[amandamcnair]

Vaginismus is such a horrible thing to go through.

It’s time consuming and draining and disheartening and awful.

If you’re going through vaginismus right now, or if you’ve been through it in the past, give yourself a pat on the back.

You’re going through something so unknown that most doctor’s don’t know what it is. And you’re being so strong and you’re doing so well.

Congratulations, you are awesome. I’m so proud of you.

Xx

[amandamcnair]

My Story

I was about to start this off with a “P.S.” but that wouldn’t have made sense, so this will serve as your pre-post script. 

P.S. I feel like I should issue a fair warning clause or a “whoa-wait-this-is-going-to-get-personal” warning to anyone that reads this.  So... there it is.  You’ve been informed, carry on.

I have a condition called vaginismus.  Yes, if you stare at the word long enough, you will have a good idea of where this is about to go.  After you’ve done that, please Google the word if you would like further explanation.  But, in layman’s terms, it is a condition that causes the vaginal wall muscles to spasm any time anything is attempting to be inserted.  If you wear contacts, think about the first 50 times you had to put them in and take them out.  If it’s less than 50, I guess I’m just really bad at it. ;-)  For you non-contact wearers, just try to touch your eye.  Instinctively, your eyes will shut on you because your eyelids know they need to protect your vision.  Unfortunately, the motive behind why vaginal wall muscles would spasm is not clear and is different for all women. While noble of them to try and protect me, it actually does more harm than good.

Here’s your second warning - personal story time...

I officially entered “woman-hood” in the 6th grade when I was of the ripe old age of 11.  I had already watched the awkward video in 4th grade - you know the one that you hold the hand of your best friend through because it’s going to be cringe-inducing? (Just me? Cool.)  Anyway, no dramatic story or tragic tale or embarrassments - just an awkward girl hitting an awkward time of her life. But one thing that wasn’t so “normal” (or it was, I don’t know, I didn’t really talk about it with anyone) was that I couldn’t wear a tampon.  Even those really tiny ones that are so small they don’t even come with an outer casing (is that what they’re called?).  And while I thought that was unusual, I just dealt with it and moved on like the champ of life I am.

Until I got married...

Pardon my French, but it sucks.  Vaginismus sucks. I make bullet pointed lists with the best of them so, humor me for a moment as I show you my skills...

Figuring out you have vaginismus right after you’re married is pretty awful

Being a virgin when you get married is rad and I’m all for that, so don’t mistake what I just said

Having proper sex education though, that’s a different story and something I think needs to stop being danced around with teenagers, especially in Christian circles

Being married to someone who is patient and caring and supportive made a big difference for me

Having friends I could confide in, even though they didn’t understand my specific struggle, mattered

Vaginismus makes you feel broken and alone

How do you tell your friends your vagina isn’t working how you thought it should be

I was very fortunate to have caring friends who listened to me and it was because of my best friend that I learned about this condition in the first place

How do you explain it to your family??  Especially when they want grandkids and nieces and nephews and cousins

(my family didn’t know for 7 years)

Vaginismus makes you angry 

at yourself, your feelings, your body, God (oh yes, I’ve been there and I will probably be back)

Vaginismus makes you feel worthless

And it’s a lie, but it’s so darn convincing, it’s easy to believe

Vaginismus delays desires

And this is why my story is going to have to be multiple posts

I set out to be authentic and vulnerable when I decided to write all of this out and I will follow through on that intent

There is so much on my heart and my mind that I want to share but I think this is a good place to pause and take a breath. I’m nervous to hit “Post” below and even more nervous because I will be sharing this on my social media accounts.  I know that this can be a taboo subject and there could be those in my life that may not approve of my sharing.  But I promised myself and God that I would not allow what I’ve been through to be hindrance and a source of bitterness, but a help to other ladies out there suffering alone and in silence. 

If you or someone you know of someone that suffers from vaginismus or something that sounds like it, you’re not alone, you’re not broken and you’re loved. 

I recently connected with an amazing foundation called Lady’s Sparrow Foundation...

This is the only foundation I’m aware of that is seeking to support women who have vaginismus.  Please check them out, share their link on Facebook and Twitter and help women know that it’s not just in their heads and that there is help available.  Lady’s Sparrow Foundation

Much love... 

[amandamcnair]

Wait...

“Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.” - Psalms‬ ‭27:14‬

How my brain wants to read/hear it: “Wait on the Lord… and he’ll give you exactly what you want…”

And the only thing He promised was that he would fortify me, strengthen my resolve… waiting means patience and for an impatient person, I need all the help I can get.

[amandamcnair]

By this...

The evidence we follow Jesus... John 13:35 "By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” ‭‭ Why they may believe that God sent Jesus for them... John 17:20-21 “Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word; That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.” {God has perfect timing.}

[amandamcnair]

It seems we need someone to know us as we are—with all we have done—and forgive us. We need to tell. We need to be whole in someone’s sight: Know this about me, and yet love me. Please.

Sue Miller, While I Was Gone (via yesdarlingido)