amar4t-exe

[amar4t-exe]

L'Art & Vie

Shenanigans I do and wish to keep doing ~

Photography:

L'Art Du Bondage

Illustration:

[amar4t-exe]

L'Art Du Bondage

Some photoshoot I did a while back ago for one of my classes back in college ❤️. I miss photography sometimes ✨

[amar4t-exe]

Un-mother

This pain within has been nurturing

ever since I was born

hindering all my functioning

leaving my heart torn.

How blind have I been?

How stupid I was to believe this time things would be different.

How naive and unseen

Trying to salvage something it was never my responsibility to heal.

Yet here I am, pouring my heart out

between stanzas and painful memories

Trying to not eat my brains out

by figuring where, and when everything turned in a washed out allegory.

Does she hates me?

Does she even like me?

Does she even listens?

Would she love me if I turned into her vision?

What can I do?

Nothing. It's too late.

Is there something to salvage?

No. Her love isn't for me,

she doesn't love wreckages like me.

I tried to be normal, by any standards

So I could bathe into her warmth

like my siblings, but I only know wrath.

I've been molded to feel the slaughter.

Sadness has made me so weary and heavy.

yet my sleeping escapes my head

It forces me to think and relive things that are everything but steady

Bringing back all those remembrances I long to bury.

She doesn't like me. Neither my curls.

She doesn't like me. Neither my dresses

She hates my existence, and my stomach churns.

I wanna leave, since she dislikes my presence.

My mother, abhors me.

My mother, she hurts me.

My mother, her words cut me

My own mother, she regrets me.

But how do I explain her that I regret being born?

How can I say I wished I never left her womb?

As it was warmer than her whole being?

When everything she does is from my poor yet genuine affection, fleeing?

The supreme witness above knows I've tried

But I can't reach her anymore.

Too busy trying to survive in a grown up world I was never prepared for.

My hands and heart by her hands, are tied.

I was the best, until I wasn't.

Her silence a punishment, for my little cries.

I was loving, until she made sure for me to dream about leaving. And a little I died.

But to her, is indifferent, even pleasant.

Is it ok to not love your mother?

Is it messed up to feel at ease when she'd be gone?

Is it ok to not feel. empathetic towards her?

Cause I don't feel it anywhere, not even in my bones.

They're tired to beg for love crumbs, yet they keep my starved belly full.

They're tired to wither away, yet I cheer up as soon as she basks me in, getting me away from the burning sun's dull.

They're tired of feeling the hard numb, but at least I am feeling something.

I think it's time to follow my own way, even if I'm condemned to feel that abandonment sting.

Im ready to wear and carry my burdens.

Away from this broken nest I was bred

Away from asking myself if I am enough to blend in

hoping my love and affection are properly nurtured and fed.

[amar4t-exe]

Rise and Fall

It's been a while since I've gotten so proper sleep.

Heavy eyes, heavy thoughts are always weighing down my lids.

Last night wasn't good.

It feels like never is.

I thought stretching my limbs towards new things would help

It did for a while.

Going to such extent as to lay my trauma bare and run a thousand miles

before the eyes of strangers before it dies.

You've witnessed my rising, my anguish, my humanity.

And now you're witnessing my demise.

My eventual forever lay down.

In every little thing I've poured my soul into, slowly pushing me to befriend insanity.

I had a breakdown.

Cry, cry and cry.

Will it ever stop?

Try, try harder, just try.

It doesn't stop.

It never stops hurting

It never stops aching

It never stops lurking

It never stop tormenting

My mind is winning again

ever pessimistic, blue and twisted

the happy yellow in me barely remains

blue is ransacking it, destroying it, ever sadistic.

My head is like a brick

heavy, full of density that could hurt

in the corner of my lids a tear pricks

my insides twist, blur and churn

Hoping to end it all

Hoping to Stop the confusion

Dying to end it all

Dying for the grass' consumption

Longing for the earth's perpetual embrace

That inviting and wonderful caress

That maybe will make me forgive and forget

My own failures and digress.

But not even in the arts of dying I'm good.

No good. No good.

Art escapes from me.

That's true.

It escapes cause she knows I'll butcher her.

I'll make her my ugly bride

When she's meant to be loved and admired

I've just marred her, in powerful strikes

Stanzas of blood and blues pour out

my mere raison d'être is a menace

Heart splinters, thoughts clout

Willing to perpetuate my own limerence.

I lay bare, exhausted, pained

the blues have ravaged my happiness

It defiled and desecrated my veins

injecting forcefully a good dose of phoniness

I lay bare, exhausted and tired.

I'm tired.

[amar4t-exe]

The Universe Listens

The numbness is spreading again

But this time, I've got a beer.

In my mind, I'm under the rain

trying to maneuver my life with a steer

I crash and tumble

My hands fumble as my body goes under

the many debris and oh shit, a rumble.

The storm is about to unleash in my mouth with a mumble.

But, is it worth it? Waiting for death,

like an old friend, hoping she'll get my last breath

Cause in truth, I'm not good.

My heart goes under a foetal position underneath

Bones are marred, tired and subdued

to a paltry life I wasn't even aware I had to live through.

Am I ungrateful for rejecting, life?

Am I deranged for wanting to end it all with a knife?

Slicing through veins, hoping to find what I've lost.

And what have I lost?

Everything. Everything even myself that I'm now a ghost.

Hoping to scream through these notes.

I want it all, yet the idea overwhelms me

I crave connection, but I'm not in sync

Not even with myself, and it bores the fuck out of me.

Wish I just disappeared between ephemeral kisses and a blink.

Long forgotten to spare the rest

the image of me on which I created

Wish I could burn it, until ashes-type cremated

But even into these macabre plannings I must be the best.

Turns out I'm just average

What a fool to believe myself special

And oh my brain is ravaged

like a flower when it gets her torn petals

Am I a flower or a ghost?

Am I a bee or a lost hope?

Am I my own savior or the one that bleeds the most?

Am I a person or simply a tormented soul's host?

I don't know. Nor want to.

I don't know, nor need to know.

I don't know, nor crave to

I don't know, I've gotten slow

Am I needed?

Will I be craved the way a bitch in heat needs it's release?

Please tell me, Am I needed?

Or Will I have to live long enough get to be pleased?

Raw, tempting fury rising through,

A couple of breaths less and I'm almost there

My fingers touch her veil, but mere

Hoping to replace lady death is due.

It's just a matter of time

Like a fucking ticking bomb

Closer and closer to a defiled mind

waiting to burn everything at the least unsuspected whomp

Memories burn, body aches

Mind blossoms even if it takes

a million of tears to prove feeling of dying ain't fake

Life had to do a double take.

Someday the universe will listen,

I don't know if it works that way if honest

but I'm always ready, my cheeks glisten

mind rattled, thoughts everything but modest.

One day, I'm sure. It'll listen.

-T

[amar4t-exe]

I don't know who needs to hear this but:

It's totally cool to have a million ideas bouncing around in your head all at once. Seriously, you're not some kind of "problem child" for being a creative powerhouse. You don't need to "calm down", "tone it down" or "take it easy" just because you've got a ton of projects on the go.

So what if your mind feels like a chaotic tornado of inspiration ? Embrace it ! You're not "too much" or "overwhelming", you're exactly the right amount of awesome.

And to anyone who tries to rain on your parade with their negativity ? Tell 'em to take a hike ! You've got better things to do than listen to their boring old complaints.

So keep doing your thing, keep chasing those dreams, and never let anyone dull your sparkle. Your brain is beautiful, full of imagination and there is no way you should apologize for having all of those amazing ideas. You're a rockstar, and don't you forget it.✨

Sincerely, A Keeper of 372 Works in Progress 📚🐉

[amar4t-exe]

An Old Tell of Mines

On this day, I'd rather to differ.

Don't get me wrong,

Watching people in love make me titter

But memories bite hard, with their fang's prongs

-

I'm glad the lovers are smitten

besotted even as they walk by,

professing a love like no other

just the way I had mines.

-

This day is red, yet I feel it blue.

I can't help but dive in the old love hues.

Ready to start a day with a text saying "I love you."

I'm sorry. I'm a mess.

Sometimes it's hard to swallow bitter truths.

-

It's my first Valentine's alone, you know?

I'm still getting used to it.

Trying to not break before Cupid

feeding his ego, bit by bit.

-

I do not mean to be a wet blanket,

Raining on the chosen one's parade.

So I'll pick up all my blues in a bucket

and join the lonely heart's club mascarade.

-

Au contraire of beliefs, the cold hues aren't cause it's over

Love once bright and intense as the sun

sapped, extinguished and forgotten

Repetitive patterns thrashes and grovels

Dulling all shine and smiles, ever cruel and misbegotten

-

Will it ever burn that way again?

I don't know. I hope yet I restrain.

Would be a shame to flick off the flame for good.

Even if it makes me a hopeless fool.

-

I went through friends with benefits, It didn't work.

I'm not one for casual things, even if they teach me a lesson .

passed through knowing people,

"We're almost something" answered all my questions.

-

Guys don't know what they want

and girls are too busy idealising

"Soon" life taunts

"You're getting older" time keeps advertising.

-

"Ask God", though does he really replies?

I'm not looking for something, that's for sure,

Mourning too fresh and wound open,

Not brave enough to venture. Way too insecure.

I was left exposed, my emotional defenses broken.

Yet here I am, writing this lines I once thought forgotten.

Picking up the pieces of my heart beyond broken

Hoping the future experiences glue it back, with my trust in exchange as a token

This day is red, yet I feel it blue.

[amar4t-exe]

Let Me Go Back.

I don't even know how to explain this,

the feeling is back.

I struggled since morning to wake up,

nearly fall asleep, but still wore my makeup.

An old friend comes to visit, reluctant as always

It's staying is awfully prolonged

It came unannounced,

baring it's teeth with a menacing pace,

knowing no boundaries or nuance.

My heart races, I'm confused.

Where this reaction came from?

What triggered my body to be this negatively bemused?

I don't like it. I hate it.

I wanna scream, into the void until my lungs collapses

I wanna make my mind to understand that is exhausted, and that's alright.

We can't be someone else, but ourselves.

I don't want no more of this, nor fight.

I don't wanna fight my mind over and over,

like an English lesson awaiting to be learned,

I don't want to struggle, cause it leaves my mind made a puddle.

And I'm too ashamed to grovel.

Thought on drinking coffee, but I'm sure it'll make it worst

My chest is oppressimy lungs, or is it backwards?

I wanna hide and never be found again,

I'm not worthy of anything that comes from upwards

Wouldn't be surprised if He has also forsaken me.

I deserve it. Every single bit of it.

I'm not enough to be remembered

but I am enough to be forgotten.

Me. Silly little me.

Who thought she could do amazing things on her own,

But is bound and conditioned by unseen forces

Waiting every day for lady death

before anything dares to keep me broken

Im anxious. And I wanna disappear.

I'm anxious and I wanna scream.

I'm anxious and I want to... to

I don't even know.

My mind is too all over the place,

like dust.

Undesirable, unwanted, yet a necessary evil.

Survive, My mind demands. It is a must!

Im this world there is no place for the feebles.

Where do I fit then?

Where is my place?

Is it in the air?

Or must I wait for rot and let my spores to travel to space?

So maybe, just maybe I can be admired

Look at me! I'll reach the stars,

will go back home.

I won't be alone.

I'll be part of something bigger, beautiful and infinite.

I long for that day.

I wanna go home.

Let me go back to the dust where I came from.

[amar4t-exe]

I did some Valentine’s lockscreens!!

[amar4t-exe]

I'd marry pasta if possible ❤️

[amar4t-exe]

Its sooo yummy!!! 🥹❤️

[amar4t-exe]

Another Round, Another Year.

What is it this time?

Birthday blues and too gone smile?

Chapped lips say thank you.

But in truth my throat and heart is full with bile.

Tired of waking up in a constant existential rhyme,

Going to a place where my sanity is worth pennies and dimes,

talking like I've known people for a while, when everything I see and feel is nothing but a temporary lie.

My time is ticking. Heck, I'm almost thirty.

My impression in this world is nothing but simple and dirty

Just another in the universe tab, trying to find a purpose, a meaning. A why.

But the cosmos ignores me. He knows when the Ice Law must it apply.

Leaving me confused, stunned in a foetal position, crying.

I can't do it today, I say, hoping it will hear my cry.

But again, it doesn't hear me, and as every day, I feel like dying.

Dulling my own potential with so much shit and pressure, it's moronic.

Everything hunts me down, my insecurities, my false sense of control.

My willingness to keep living, called death too many times that she's turned

an old friend.

Her smile, unkind and sardonic.

I'm almost thirty. And I can't live properly a day away.

Too worried about an uncertain future,

that isn't even written yet.

Head too stacked up with obsessions and scenarios that will never materialize

I hope to die soon, would take everyone by surprise, I bet.

But in the meantime, I'm almost thirty. Life has gone by,

I'm fearful to show up in heaven with my hands empty,

when they ask for my mark I left behind.

The deeds done, and I know I'll cry

Cause life has vanished away from my hands, and I'm just twenty nine.

-T

[amar4t-exe]

My Musings and Blues

Just a compilation of personal writes about daily thoughts

The Importance Of Affection

Another Round, Another Year

Let Me Go Back

An Old Tell of Mines

The Universe Listens

Rise and Fall

Un-mother

[amar4t-exe]

Me at my fics jsksjs

[amar4t-exe]

Este hombre 🫠🫠🥴

Tom Hardy in Legend (2015)

[amar4t-exe]

Today's ramble :

Got stuck in college after internship for 2 hours jskjs. Had forgotten totally how freaking cold it gets there 🥴.

starting on my third week :'D.

3/12 ✨

[amar4t-exe]

Wounds of the Earth

— by xis.lanyx