amathebrave

[amathebrave]

[amathebrave]

[amathebrave]

I am more than a junkie. The reality inside my world is my mid 30’s crisis came and went so quiet and isolated it felt like just any other day. My life lately has been so slow that anything outside of having to put sweats on before noon during the pandemic is my definition of rapid pace. I actually get sweaty just changing my clothes sometimes. Reflecting on being at the midpoint of my “Dirty Thirties” I’m ready to do something different. Much different then my daily yearnings for long john donuts and my morning coffee with my first breath of fresh air for the day, I want to have a spiritual experience that will give me some hope and faith that I am not permanently broken. I want to be brave enough to at least say I tried. I’m sure you have all heard of Brene Brown’s reference to fighting in the arena. Do not shut this down just yet Hakan (inside story to reveal itself later).. I want to be boldly a bravery badass. I want my legacy to be a colorful mosaic of my broken, yet beautifully sculpted together life. Some of it was an epic failure and it crushed my heart. I own that. Without the suffering, I don't believe I would have been able to truly see the beauty that this life has blessed upon me. I walk around with this attitude of gratitude today (comes easily after living in a car) that feels fulfilling and more valuable than my stink face attitude that I have mastered in years past. I want my children to know what persevere means by witnessing their mother get her ass handed to her by addiction and I get back up and fight another day. I hope they can be proud that they have a Mom that wasn’t perfect, as a matter of a fact she was just a human being who fucked up. A LOT. But what makes their Mother’s legacy something to be proud of is their Mother is Ama the Brave (who did not take shit from just anybody, loved fearlessly and as damn vulnerable as I could, got her ass kicked in that arena for years... yet persevered). Let me preface this blog with a brief disclaimer that this is not a sappy pity story and no request of anyone’s approval. I am totally okay with all of me today and that is a miracle itself. All of our stories are unique and just the way they were intended to be. I find it a blessing to have others share their journeys with me. My story is not pretty. It is messy, a total shit show, full of ‘pump the brakes’ kind of moments. My deepest gratitude today is that my story isn’t over and trust me I have come all too close to ensuring the end was near. I have lost many people for all kinds of reasons, but I have this disease of addiction that really wants me to die. Another disclaimer: I’m striving for brutal bravery with nothing less than then complete transparency. I deal with a set of challenges that I’m sure many can relate to in their own way. I am a badass single Mom (but my ex has been raising them for the last 2 years, we will get there don’t worry). I am a grateful recovering meth and heroin junkie. Other mental health issues I suffer from include major depression, PTSD, and I scream like a child in the middle of the night. I suffer from a severe lack of verbal filter at times and some may often find my humor crude.. I still feel very awkward socially and often robotic because of trauma and addiction which fuels this outlet to be a softer, gentler way of coming back into the world. I'm also an adventurer, a smartass, a hardass, a woman who is finally feeling like at 35, I am finally waking up and ready to kick some ass in this life. And to give myself a small stroke to my ego but I promised honesty… I’m probably the BEST dancer at my kids school. I’m just saying I will challenge any of you Moms to a dance off anytime! BET! Just a wild guess but I am thinking some of you are feeling a little more disconnected during the pandemic and I challenge you to find a creative outlet to somehow in some way find meaning in this world and CONNECT! I love to be clever with words, but I just like being ME. And I’m brave enough to actually write a fucking blog . Even if this thing fails and even if it's my Mom

[amathebrave]

Lately, I've been sick of livin' and nobody knows how I'm really feelin'

I always hated to smile, but it keep what is killing me hidden inside

I didn't sign up to be the hero, but I don't want to wind up a villain

I put my daughter to bed, then attempted to kill myself in the kitchen

Yeah, I should've screamed, but nobody listened

So I passed out with the blood dripping

In this glass house, feelin' like a prison

Me and death keep tongue-kissing

I just fell out with my lil' bro

The life getting to us, the drink getting to us, the drugs getting to us

It's highway to hell and everybody knew

What the fuck were we doing? I'm feeling like

[amathebrave]

[amathebrave]

Real life