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Do As I Say Not As I Do!

Do As I Say Not As I Do! If you want your teen to do something, anything, then do it yourself. I am not talking here about cleaning their room, or resistance to emptying the dishwasher. I am talking about all those things you tell your teen to do or not to do like drink and drive, text/talk on your phone and drive, get out and get some exercise, read a book for fun, do some community service, mow the lawn etc etc etc. Yesterday while driving on a major highway I was tailgated by a an enormous Hummer, driven by a  person anxious to get around me. I was already going 70 mph by the way. After I pulled over to the next lane, I readied myself to give this person a dirty look as they passed me and what I saw floored me. In the passenger seat was a teenaged girl texting away, but in the drivers seat was her mom, elbows on the steering wheel, head down, texting furiously away on her cellphone driving at least 80 mph!! I was aghast. Forget about giving a dirty look, I wanted to call the police, the highway patrol, Child Protective Services. The danger this mom was putting all of us in and especially her own child was mind boggling. What on earth could be that important!! This teen, probably only months away from getting her learner's permit, is learning a valuable lesson. Texting and driving....no problem, just learn to drive with your elbows. This trick not included in conventional driving schools, only at selected mom and pop locations. If you don't want your teen to text/talk on their cell phone while driving, then start with not doing it yourself, at least when your kids are in the car. Don't wait for your kids to be teens before you start modeling this very important and safety enhancing behavior. If your kids grow up with you driving and talking and texting while they are in the car with you, that will become their norm of how one drives a car. I am sure at nursery schools everywhere,  3 year olds are sitting in their little play cars holding plastic phones to their ears as they pretend to be mommy or daddy driving the car. Get the picture! Be deliberate about this. Say to your kids/teens when you all are in the car, "hey honey can you make sure my phone is off, I don't want to be distracted by the phone while I am driving." You need them to hear you take this intentional step for safety. No drinking and driving. This is another popular missive given to teens everywhere by parents worried about their teens safety as they hit the roads with their friends on weekend nights. Yet at dinner out with the family at restaurants, at friends homes, or at parties, teens watch you throw a few back before you get in the car to drive everyone home. If you don't want your teen to drink and drive, then show them. At dinner, say to yourself or your partner, out loud, and in front of your kids: "who's/I'm the designated driver tonight, and whoever that is waits for their glass of Chardonney until they are safely home. If you worry your teen never gets off the phone/computer/video game/TV,  do a self-check. Do you? Do they ever see you cozied up on the couch with a blanket and a book, TV off, phone off and charging in another room, computer screen blank. Creating an image of what it looks like for someone to just be...is a powerful one. Do you bug your kids to do chores, as they watch a myriad of hired helpers do most of the work in your house: house cleaners, landscapers, snow plowers, handymen, peapod. Just saying..... Do you strongly suggest to your teens to get on the community service train? It looks good on college apps, and will make you a better person. Do they see you do more than write a check to support your favorite charity? Children learn best not by telling them what to do, but by showing them. You are the most powerful model in their life. If you want them to lead a safe, productive, full and loving life, show them how it's done. from Joani's parenting tip of the day http://joanigeltman.blogspot.com/2019/04/do-as-i-say-not-as-i-do.html via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/04/do-as-i-say-not-as-i-do.html

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What To Do With A Sneaky Teen

What To Do With A Sneaky Teen I got a wonderful e-mail recently from a parent who is struggling with "sneakiness" from her teenage son. Do I hear a chorus of "me too". This is a classic parent-teen struggle. You work hard to set reasonable rules, and your teen works just as hard to wrangle him/herself around them. Here is what this parent wrote: "I believe he senses me becoming "paranoid" and questioning things because I don't trust...and he then becomes sneakier. How do I break that cycle and how do you convey confidence and trust when they have broken that trust?" Let's play this out. You make a rule. This mom had a rule about no food in the basement. She goes down the basement and finds cans and wrappers stashed behind furniture. This a relatively minor infraction but a great example of how these small things build up, create niggles of doubt, until full out distrust and paranoia develop. Fill in the blank here with the smaller rule breakers that your teen challenges you with.  Here is your "I Get It" moment: "Hey honey, I just found (fill in the blank) wrappers and cans in the basement. Clearly you think this is a rule worth breaking. Give me an alternative. I'd rather we come up with something together, that we both can agree on, rather than you disagreeing with something and sneaking around to do what you want anyway." The work is always to encourage truth-telling. When you include your teen in the rule-making, at least you get them to have partial ownership of the problem. Here is how you can do this. Using the above example,  Your teen will probably say: "its stupid that I can't eat downstairs where I hang out." Parent says;" What do you think I am worried about when you ..........."  In this case kid will say: "that I will trash the basement."  Mom can say: "Yes that's right, so what will you do to assure me you won't trash the basement, and get rid of your trash."  Now the owness is on the teen to come up with a plan that makes you happy. Final question from parent: "What will the consequence be if you don't follow through on your plan." The consequence is in place. If you aren't satisfied with the consequence your teen comes up with, offer one up yourself. Maybe in this case, you are banned from the basement for 24 hours if I find trash down there.  As your kids get older, they will disagree with you more and more. Your choice is to set your rules, and watch your kids dance around them, or engage them in the process so they feel a part of the process. They want to manage their life, they are driven to manage their life, even if they don't do it well. It's called practice! It is up to you to give them opportunity to practice, by including them in the process. They will screw up. But I think it is less about trust, and more about temptation. Teen''s are impulsive, and don't think things through for very long. They need help in that department. So when you find the beer can in the basement, what you want is use that to open conversation. So rather than getting angry, and going with a "how can you betray my trust like this" You might say" I was surprised to find this beer. I know we don't have any in the house, so either you or one of your friends brought it in. What are you going to do to make me feel OK about being in the basement and sneaking in beer or booze.?" Again, using the words trust can be loaded. Teens are tempted by all the fun stuff teens want to do and try. They need your help to stay safe and trustworthy, not just your anger.   Have you seem my new short film about the power of understanding: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzpwSYP-Id0&t=11s from Joani's parenting tip of the day http://joanigeltman.blogspot.com/2019/04/what-to-do-with-sneaky-teen.html via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/04/what-to-do-with-sneaky-teen.html

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An Amazing Model For Raising Caring, Loving, Socially Aware and Passionate Kids

An Amazing Model For Raising Caring, Loving, Socially Aware and Passionate Kids This weekend I watched Ethel, a fantastic documentary on HBO about Ethel Kennedy, which was directed by her daughter Rory, a wonderful documentary filmmaker. ( I have seen other films she has done) Anyway, I had many takeaway's from this extraordinary family of 11 children. I hyperventilate just thinking of raising and having that many bodies and personalities all in one household. First and foremost, Ethel and Bobby Kennedy loved, loved, loved children. I don't just mean that they loved their children, I assume most parents do. I mean they loved children, hanging with them, talking to them, playing with them, eating with them, going away with them, and seeming to prefer their company to anything else in their life. I'm not sure all kids would say that their parents love being with them. I am reminded of a dinner out a restaurant recently. We were with friends at a lovely, grown upish restaurant, on the early side for dinner. Next to us were two tables, one with 5 young children and two nannies, and at the other, the moms, enjoying a glass of wine while the nannies were hanging with the kids. And did I mention it was one of the kid's birthday?????? See this is what I mean about Ethel and Bobby, dinner with the kids was sacred, playing with the kids was a priority. As these now middle aged adults reminisced, they all individually talked about this as an important part of their lives. Though their dad was obviously engaged with important and serious work, and often away from home, he spoke with them regularly and lovingly even during a crisis moment during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Those kids knew without question they were loved and the most important people in their parents lives. I have worked with many families where parents have long work hours or travels regularly for work, or parents are separated or divorced, and was surprised at how infrequently they talked to their children. Teens especially need to feel connection to their parents, even if it seems like they are not at all interested. If you are not the custodial parent, or you work late or travel often, make time every single day to connect with your kids. Another striking element of this family was how important Ethel and Bobby felt it was to make sure that their kids knew that the privileged life they led was NOT how most families lived. When Bobby Kennedy was doing work on the  Civil Rights Act, the kids went with him(all 11) to the South, so he could show them make them understand what it meant to be discriminated against. When Bobby Kennedy was fighting with Joseph McCarthy in court about blacklisting, Ethel took the kids to sit in that courtroom, day after day, even the young ones, so they could learn and understand discrimination. These parents did not protect their kids from the evils of the world, they exposed them, and taught them what the world had in store for them. Dinner time was a protected time, and a time for conversation. The kids were expected to read the newspaper and to be up on current events, and be ready to share their opinions at the table. What an exciting dinner table that must have been, 11 children, 2 parents all fighting for the floor! I am always surprised by how little most teens know about the world. Granted they are not much interested, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't help them to stay informed. Watch the national news together, on a real TV not online, read interesting news stories at the dinner table and generate discussion. Stimulate them, excite them about the world they will be joining! Ethel and Bobby obviously had a unique life, and were part of a legacy passed down from both their families. But the lessons they teach about family are for everyone. Love being with your kids, stay connected even when it's hard, show them that the world is a much bigger place than your community, and teach them that all people should have rights and dignity. You'll be doing a good thing! Watch my new short film about the power of understanding!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzpwSYP-Id0&t=183s from Joani's parenting tip of the day http://joanigeltman.blogspot.com/2019/04/an-amazing-model-for-raising-caring.html via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/04/an-amazing-model-for-raising-caring.html

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You’re invited

You’re invited via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/04/youre-invited.html

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And You Thought Google Docs Was Just For School Work...NOT

And You Thought Google Docs Was Just For School Work...NOT I think you should read this article first and then we'll talk!! https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2019/03/hottest-chat-app-teens-google-docs/584857/ So maybe I am late coming to this google doc party, but usually parents give me a heads up about these kinds of things, and I haven't heard a word about it. So kids have found a new inventive way to chat when they are in school, or you are hovering over them to make sure they are doing homework and not snap chatting or instagraming away. I have to give these kids props for creativity and problem solving. Seriously, they are really good at figuring out how to work a system. Let's hope this all translates to a very successful adulthood!! But in the meantime..... Why is this a problem? It is a problem because it is yet ANOTHER distraction! Some subject areas are just not sexy and interesting, so they need more attentive learners to absorb the material. Distracted learners just cannot retain complex material without attention. I know even when I am doing something that feels hard, I LOVE it when someone calls or I have to answer a text, ANYTHING to avoid confronting something I don't understand or that doesn't capture my interest. In the old days, I guess I just used to eat myself into oblivion, jumping up for multiple snacks to avoid, but at least when the subject was in front of me it had my full attention. There are many research studies now that confirm that our brains just do not multitask the way we wish they would. If you are studying calculus while maintaining a very stimulating conversation through google doc while your teacher is explaining some major concept, your brain will definitely pay attention to the more interesting gossip tidbit...calculus be damned!!! What can you do? Let your teen know that you know that this google doc thing is the new game in town. Read together this article. At the least give them the information to make an informed decision about their motivation and learning. https://childmind.org/article/kids-shouldnt-use-phones-during-homework/. Though this article is about smartphones, google docs are just another way to connect easily with friends, when phones are not available. I have to say that controlling this google doc messaging will be almost impossible to, especially if the homework they literally have to do is on google doc. This is going to be an education/conversation, rather than I if I find out you're using google docs in school I'll take away your computer conversation.  As in "hey honey, this is going to be hard to control, staying in touch with friends on google doc during class time and homework. You are going to have to decide what is important to you, and whether maintaining an ongoing "conversation" with so and so is more important in that moment than listening and working in class. What do you think would help?" At the least your are letting them know you understand all the temptations that are out there, and helping to at least bring their awareness into it. God this stuff is hard!! PS: I have recently completed this short film. It is an area between parents and teens I think is really important...The Power Of Understanding. It is 4 minutes long and so far parents have found it really helpful. Here is the YouTube link to my film. I would love it if you would share it on facebook or twitter or just send it to a few friends you think might find it meaningful. I hope you like it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzpwSYP-Id0&t=18s from Joani's parenting tip of the day http://joanigeltman.blogspot.com/2019/04/and-you-thought-google-docs-was-just.html via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/04/and-you-thought-google-docs-was-just.html

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Introducing AshaDornfest.com

Introducing AshaDornfest.com via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/03/introducing-ashadornfestcom.html

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When Your Teen Is Left Out

When Your Teen Is Left Out When you're a parent of a teen, one of the hardest and most heartbreaking things is seeing your teen be left out or excluded from events with kids he/she is friends with or thought they were friends with. A parent called me the other day worried about her 13 year old daughter. Like most girls her age she had her posse of four "besties." After school it seems a delegate from this elite group was chosen to deliver the message. No mincing of words here, "we don't like you anymore." There is no more brutal assault. The daughter was bereft, sobbing and humiliated vowing never to return to school. The mom, feeling every bit as much pain as her daughter wanted to do something, to fix it. "Should I call the school, should I call the parents of the other girls, what should I do?" she asks feeling desperate to make it "all better." There is a simple answer. Nothing. There is honestly nothing a parent can do to make this better. Best friends on Monday, enemies on Tuesday, best friends again by Friday. There is no rhyme or reason for this fickleness. Kids in middle school are especially susceptible to this jockeying for friends. They are in the midst of going to what I call the "buffet of friends." In elementary school, friends are often chosen by default. Perhaps your best friend has kids the same age, and by default your kids become "best friends." Or maybe your neighborhood is full of kids the same age, and since kindergarten they have been hanging at the bus stop together, taking the bus together, and getting off the bus together and by default end up at each others' house after school, so easy. Think of this like taking your kids to a Chinese buffet. When they are young and overwhelmed by the options, you make their plate up with those things they will eat, chicken wings, fried rice and spare ribs. Now as they get older, they go up to the buffet themselves and are astounded and excited about all the choices, and are anxious to give them a try. Choosing friends in middle school and again in 9th and 10th grade is like going to the buffet for the first time. Wow, look at all these options. I think I would like to try this friend, or that friend. This means that some kids will do the leaving, and some kids will be left behind. Now that these teen brains are working on overtime, they are thinking more deeply about who these people are they call friends. Whereas in elementary school they only need a warm body for "playing", now they look for friends to talk to, and  to share common interests with. They are less interested in what you have to play with and more with what do you have to offer me? Do I like your personality? Are you too quiet, too loud, to bossy too pretty, not pretty enough? etc etc. Are you fun, do we like to do the same things together? Often in middle school and then again in 9th grade, some kids are ready to transition to more teenagery like behaviors, partying, experimentation with the opposite sex, drugs and alcohol, while some kids are happy with less riskyish behavior. All this is a set up for feelings of betrayal and exclusion. It is painful, and the good news, is they will get over it. As for your role, there is not much more to do than understanding their pain, and providing tons of TLC. If you insinuate yourself into these friend dynamics you will regret it. Perhaps you have never liked the girl who has just defriended your daughter, and you tell her so. Thinking you are making it better, you wax on and on about what a bad friend this girl has been,  and good bye to bad rubbish! The only problem with this is that the next day, when the girls have made up, your daughter now knows you hate this kid, and will never talk to you again about her. I talked to a mom recently about this at one of my "Ask The Expert" parties whose daughter was experiencing all these friend complications. She said that her daughter would come to her crying and in her effort to make her feel better would try to solve the problem for her, by giving her all kinds of strategies. The daughter, not looking for help, just a shoulder to cry on, then gets angry at mom for interfering. Thats' what I am saying. Stay out of it!!!!! Your kids need to learn to figure this all out for themselves. Obviously if it is more of a bullying situation, it may require a different strategy, but if it is old-fashioned cat-fighting, just let it be. Your kids will have a lifetime of friendships for which they are now in training. It's a bit like basic training. In the beginning, you never think you'll get through it, and then you get stronger and smarter, and you get better at figuring it all out. Just be patient, they'll have to sweat a little. Now having just told you to mind your own business, I do have one caveat. A parent recently told me of this situation. Her daughter went to a friend's house with 7 other girls for a weekend night "girl party." It seems that this girl cherry picked 5 of the girls to sleep over and left the other two out of the sleepover. As you can imagine, those two girls felt like s**t.  It didn't seem like the host's mom had any idea this had happened. If your kid has a group of friends over, there should be a proportion rule. In the example above, the parents should have been aware of the situation from the beginning, knowing who was invited for the sleepover. In a large group of 7, I get that all the girls sleeping over might have been too much, but 5 out of 7 is just too exclusionary. Have a rule in your home about sleepovers that states, either everyone or just 1. It would make sense the host girl wanted someone with her to finish out her fun night with the girls. I think all the girls could have understood the one rule, but they didn't understand the 5 and not you two rule. Your teens might need some of this kind of help. You won't choose the sleepover friend, but you can teach them about inclusion! from Joani's parenting tip of the day http://joanigeltman.blogspot.com/2019/03/when-your-teen-is-left-out.html via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/03/when-your-teen-is-left-out.html

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Episode 156: How to Talk to Kids About Race with Amber Coleman-Mortley

Episode 156: How to Talk to Kids About Race with Amber Coleman-Mortley via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/03/episode-156-how-to-talk-to-kids-about.html

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What All Parents Can Take Away From The "Varsity Blues" College Scandal

What All Parents Can Take Away From The "Varsity Blues" College Scandal via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/03/what-all-parents-can-take-away-from_19.html

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What All Parents Can Take Away From the "Varsity Blues" College Scandal

What All Parents Can Take Away From the "Varsity Blues" College Scandal

Of course you, my regular readers, knew I would have to write about this scandal. There have been more than enough articles on it already and I don't want to rehash what has already been said. What I want to do is find a way to make this all useful for you. This particular scandal is a 1% problem. These parents have access and privilege to almost anything they want, and in this case abused their power and influence and committed a crime, thinking they were too untouchable to get caught.  I think though there are some good lessons here for all parents, that can generalize regardless of income and privilege.Basically we all love our children to death, and want the absolute best for them. But when we troubleshoot, problem solve and negotiate for our teens and young adults, we take away the self esteem, growth and independence our kids need to learn, in order to become responsible adults. Who amongst us has not made the call for our kids to our old college roommate who might find them some kind of internship in their successful company that would look good on their college application; or found the volunteer job that your kid needed to fulfill their community service requirement for high school graduation( I'm guilty of this one); or called the coach or teacher you feel has been unfair in some way to your teen; or gave them WAYYYY to much help on completing some school project that was frustrating them; or edited/wrote a paper or college essay to make it sound better; or bought them something or let them do something that cost more money than deserved to be spent without expecting them to work for it; or helped them to "get out of a mess" of their own making to protect them from what you may feel are consequences that are too harsh or might jeopardize their future in some way. We ALL do some of these things, because we love our kids, and sometimes it feels right to help them. But many times, (and I have worked with enough parents to know this) we go overboard, cause it's just easier and you know that if you take care of it, it will get done right!!! So might I suggest here that your teen become a partner not a recipient of all your loving help. Make sure they are in charge of the implementation of any strategy you come up with for whatever the circumstances might be. Let them do the research, make the calls, put in the time, and pay the consequences when they don't. If the paper doesn't get in on time...oh well their grade might be bad, and yes maybe there might be a consequence down the line in a term grade, but then how else will they learn to get done what they need to get done!Also it is important to know that whatever college your teen attends will only be good for them, if and only if, THEY put in the effort and work to make it meaningful. Name brand colleges DO NOT guarantee success. Early advantages do not necessarily make a difference unless the person has taken ownership of that advantage and turned it into something very personal. I have worked with many parents who have 'given their child "everything" only to find that when the structure of school is over, they are at loss to figure out how to become an adult. This becoming an adult needs practice!! Overcoming struggles, and hardships and using their own creativity and grit and learning to be patient with the process of maturing is what makes people become successful.I found these comments at the end of one of the many New York Times articles I read about this scandal. I think their messages are meaningful. My parents both attended Stanford and made modest donations over the years. I applied (mid-eighties), and wasn't admitted because I didn't deserve to be - I didn't have the grades. They were furious; they'd expected the legacy system to work. I knew I didn't earn it and was secretly relieved, but also saddened by their attitude. It wasn't about me; they wanted bragging rights and to have their pedigree stamped and verified. That other students had excelled and deserved to be admitted didn't seem to matter to them. Entitlement. (nytimes reader response) Our children are not trophies for us to show around. They need to find the right niches for themselves and parents should help them do that. —scrim1, Bowie, Md. The real losers in all this are the children of these wealthy parents, who learn that cheating is the way to win in life. They have been failed by their parents and lost something precious: their self-respect. Their entire life, people will wonder if what they achieve is a product of honest work and skill or another cheat — even if they end up being presidents or senior White House advisers. — Jim Brokaw, California

from Joani's parenting tip of the day http://joanigeltman.blogspot.com/2019/03/what-all-parents-can-take-away-from.html via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/03/what-all-parents-can-take-away-from.html

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Edit Your Life, Ep. 155: Easy Pantry Dinners

Edit Your Life, Ep. 155: Easy Pantry Dinners via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/03/edit-your-life-ep-155-easy-pantry.html

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Facing Your Fears

Facing Your Fears I was in LA for a few days and had the opportunity to hang out with a real live horse whisperer. A friend of mine owns an albino horse, which means that the pure white of the horse also extends to her eyes. Albino horses have some vision disability. As a result they can become quite fearful and skittish when they sense something they can't see. And that is why my friend hired a horse whisperer. To help this horse confront her fears and work through them. Sounds like therapy to me. I watched this guy in action when the horse became fearful of something none of us could see or find an explanation for. The horse would become agitated, and refuse to move forward or backward. The "whisperer" calmly acknowledged the horses fear, but urged with control and calm for her to move forward. His efforts weren't instantaneous, but in time, without anger or frustration from the whisperer, the horse trusted him, and moved on. This process will need to be practiced and repeated by my friend, until her horse believes that with fear can come safety and comfort. Isn't this a life skill we should try to teach our kids? Teens in particular are faced with so many new challenges and fears; Who am I? Who will I become? Where will I fit in? What will interest me? What is my future? What is my present? As parents we want them to take risks, the safe kind, try new things, meet new people, go on adventures, and get out of their comfort zone. If we give in to their fears, and leave them be, we don't give them our belief that though change is scary, working through it can bring eventual safety, comfort and growth, just like with that beautiful albino horse. Get that horse out of the barn and there is a world to run in and explore. I worked with a couple once whose daughter's needs were to get out of her community where she felt like a square peg in a round hole. She had passions and interests that could not be supported in the town she lived, but could be if she could get on a train and go into the nearby city. The parents were homebodies, and never much left their community. It was time to get the "horse out of the pasture." In order for the daughter to feel that the bigger world was a safe and accepting place, the parents had to do it first, and show her the way. And because these parents loved their daughter, and "got" that she needed to experience life in a different way, they all became adventurers together, researching opportunities, figuring out transportation, and opening the door to adventure. They were all fearful, but with coaching, and persistence, these parents were able to help their daughter find a new way to feed herself. Once the pasture door was open, and she trusted those who urged her out,  she flew out the barn door! from Joani's parenting tip of the day http://joanigeltman.blogspot.com/2019/03/facing-your-fears.html via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/03/facing-your-fears.html

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Edit Your Life Ep. 154: Redefining Femininity with Catherine Connors

Edit Your Life Ep. 154: Redefining Femininity with Catherine Connors via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/03/edit-your-life-ep-154-redefining.html

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College Acceptance and Rejections: It's That Time Of Year

College Acceptance and Rejections: It's That Time Of Year

Tis the season.....For all of you who have high school seniors, the college acceptance and rejection season is upon you. You are in high anxiety, and your teen is in higher anxiety. This feels like a defining moment for everyone, even though truly....it is not. Admission to college is a little like a shell game these days. Sometimes kids get into the colleges they did not expect, and sometimes they get rejected from a school they thought was a sure thing.  Sometimes kids get into what they thought was their dream school, and by the end of the first semester they are miserable, disillusioned, and can't wait to transfer somewhere else.

Your first job is to monitor your own emotional temperature, and manage your own expectations. Where your senior gets in or doesn't get in does not define him or her or YOU. It does does not make them a genius or a loser. It is a moment in time. I have seen kids go to the school of their dreams and fail miserably, and I have seen kids go to their bottom of the list choice and end up happy, and very successful. Once the initial shock, excitement, or disappointment wears off, as it does by summer when you are in buying for the dorm mode, all will be forgotten except for the excitement of starting college...any college!  If you are more excited than, or more disappointed then your teen, you need to tone it down. Your teen is not in the business of having to meet or not meet your expectations and dreams for them. They have enough to contend with dealing with their own feelings. Talk to your partner, talk to your mother, talk to your friends, but don't impose your emotional agenda on your child. That will truly be the best gift you can give them for graduation!

What you can do is that will be helpful to your perspective college freshman is validate whatever feelings they are having. You don't need to try to make it all better, or tell them what you think they should do or go, you just need to understand and be in THEIR moment with them. As In: "I get this must be exciting for you, or disappointing for you,or frustrating for you, etc, etc" Remember that your teen lives in the emotional part of their brain. So whatever the outcome of this college decision process is, your teen will feel first, think later. Give them the time to do that. There are alot of factors that weigh in on the college decision, $$, location, course offerings, distance from home, but there is time to think about all those things later. Give your teen the time to process, and sit with the results. Maybe even a few weeks before you even start talking about it. You might say;" I get how hard this decision will be for you, I know you have a lot to think about. I want to give you time to just digest before we have to really get on the decision making stick. I am happy to talk with you anytime, but I want you to know that I respect your need to think on it. Let me know how I can help."

And finally, please respect your teen's privacy when it comes to sharing the acceptances or rejections. Maybe your teen could care less who knows and will give you permission to tell the world. But some kids are VERY sensitive about this whole process and absolutely do not want their business shared with the masses. Case in point: I was at my gym last week and over heard a discussion between two moms who were spin class acquaintances, not best friends. Both were going down their teen's list of where they were accepted or rejected. I wondered why that seemed so important to two women who didn't even know or care about each other's kids. I know parents are proud when their kids get into schools that make them proud. Often I see those parents starting off the conversation, just so someone will ask them about their kids. Try not to get into the " My kids better than your kid" state of mind. All of our kids are wonderful, and where they get in or don't get in will not change that!

This is a wonderful op-ed Frank Bruni wrote about this subject:

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/15/opinion/sunday/frank-bruni-how-to-survive-the-college-admissions-madness.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&module=c-column-top-span-region&region=c-column-top-span-region&WT.nav=c-column-top-span-region&_r=0 from Joani's parenting tip of the day http://joanigeltman.blogspot.com/2019/03/college-acceptance-and-rejections-its.html via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/03/college-acceptance-and-rejections-its.html

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Episode 153: Finding Peace When Kids Struggle

Episode 153: Finding Peace When Kids Struggle via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/02/episode-153-finding-peace-when-kids.html

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The Top Three Stressors According To Teens

The Top Three Stressors According To Teens Results from a new Pew Research Center poll that surveyed over 900 teens from across the country show these as the top three issues that stress teens out:  1. "About 70 percent of U.S. teens reported anxiety and depression as a "major problem" among people their age."  2. "Bullying was the second-highest concern, with about 90 percent of U.S teens aged 13 to 17 saying it was at least a minor problem in their lives." 

3. "Stress about academic performance, concerns about "looking good" physically and trying to fit in socially topped the list of pressures teens said they face each day." 

If you are a parent of a teen, this is not new news!! This is what you see and hear every day in different ways with both your teen and their friends. But it does reinforce just how hard life feels for teens today, and I think that is the new news here. How many of you, looking back on your own teen years would say you were depressed, and anxious on a regular basis, or felt bullied on a regular basis? I certainly had bad days, and had even lost my dad suddenly as a 13 year old, but I think if someone had asked me if I felt depressed or anxious regularly, I have would have looked at them like they were crazy!!!

Maybe we just didn't have the feeling language that kids have now, which by the way is good thing. And maybe some of us were just in denial.  We also lived in a culture that was free from technology, which meant we didn't look in a virtual mirror 24/7. Sure we were self-conscious about they way we looked, but we didn't have to expose ourselves for public consumption and for a wide audience!

So yes, teens do have it harder these days. How about sharing this study/article with your kids and see what else they might add to that list. It might give you some new insight into what makes them tick. When you know what's making them feeling bad, then you have a head start into what might help you make them feel better! https://www.newsweek.com/mental-health-american-teens-anxiety-depression-suicide-bullying-drug-1337772 I just watched this very moving TEDX talk by a dad who recently lost his son to suicide. He honestly shares what he missed. This is a must watch for you and your partner. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8FGzsFLCm0

from Joani's parenting tip of the day http://joanigeltman.blogspot.com/2019/02/the-top-three-stressors-according-to.html via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/02/the-top-three-stressors-according-to.html

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Edit Your Life Ep. 152: Weird Parenting Wins with Hillary Frank

Edit Your Life Ep. 152: Weird Parenting Wins with Hillary Frank via Blogger http://babylifepower.blogspot.com/2019/02/edit-your-life-ep-152-weird-parenting.html