ambitiousldssingle

[ambitiousldssingle]

I’m Back

It’s been over a year! And man, what a year.

I’ve been engaged twice since I last posted. TWICE.

The first time, I went off the rails. I was not living an LDS lifestyle. I regret everything about that relationship. Everything. It’s a total fluke I ended up with the guy to begin with, and I’m still struggling to figure out what spiritual lessons I got out of that--EXCEPT. I did learn that I am capable of being the healthy one in a toxic relationship.

The second time, I met the man of my dreams. Everything was going so well. We planned our future together. Then my mental illnesses resurfaced. I had to let let him go. I had to let him let me go.

Maybe he’s not 100% the man of my dreams. But he’s closer than anything I ever thought I’d be blessed enough to find.

But... can I let you in on a secret?

I made some stupid decisions for love.

We decided we were going to start a family together before we got married. I don’t know why. We were planning on being sealed in the temple eventually and all.

Anyway, we started trying for a baby a couple weeks ago.

We broke up about one week ago.

I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.

Like, if I’m not pregnant, there are some SERIOUS health concerns going on.

There’s no way I’m not pregnant.

I. Am. Terrified.

I wish so badly that my ex and I could get back together. That we could get married and raise this child together. If it were up to me, we’d do it. If it were up to him, we’d do it.

Last night I got the answer that yes, we should see if we’re compatible to be in a relationship again. He prayed and got the same answer, but he got a pit in his stomach, like a warning.

This morning I woke up feeling like it isn’t going to work out. We should try, but we aren’t going to be able to get back together.

Part of me is relieved, because the longer I’m away from him, the more certain I am that I can find someone who’s even better for me than he is.

Part of me is devastated.

I cannot raise this child alone.

I can’t.

And if I’m not with him, who would even want me?

Who would want a 25-year old woman who struggles to hold down a job and has three kids from two different dads?

Who’s that crazy?

I feel like I’m worth it. I’m going places in life. I have dreams and talents and spiritual gifts, and the Lord has a plan for me.

But what are the odds there are a man out there who can match me who’s still single and wouldn’t run away at the sight of me?

Not because I’m ugly. I’m very much not ugly.

But still.

I don’t have much of a support system. I don’t know how I’ll get through this if I don’t get married ASAP and have a husband to support me and help raise this child.

I’m just so scared right now.

[ambitiousldssingle]

I had six dates either stand me up or cancel last minute in the month of January.

Tonight I had a "date." He invited me to his place. I brought dinner. We watched anime and messed around a bit.

I kept trying to start conversations. I'd ask him questions about himself. He'd answer, usually in detail, then when his answer was complete he'd go quiet.

He never once asked me anything about myself.

I want so badly to be done dating.

Is there a such thing as a man who'd be interested in getting to know me? An intelligent single man in his early 30s who doesn't work an entry level job? A man who's known pain and chosen to rise above it instead of let it consume his life?

I feel like I'm a unicorn, and the last of my kind.

If I can end up picking up the pieces after a failed marriage, shouldn't there be a man of equal caliber in a similar situation, out there looking for me?

I want to believe that I'll find love and remarry. I do. But I don't know how to convince myself that it's true, except through lots of conversations with Heavenly Father.

I don't want to keep trying to date if 75% bail and the other 25% don't come close to living up to my standards.

It would be so much easier to remain convinced that I'll be single for the rest of my life.

But I don't like that mindset, either.

I can't see myself getting custody of my kids back without a step-dad to help raise them.

I can't see myself achieving all of my dreams alone.

Because now I really am alone.

I'm angry.

I'm angry at all my friends and family.

My dad never reaches out to me.

My mom might reach out maybe a couple times a year, and only when she knows I'm suicidal.

They both live less than twenty minutes away.

Two of my siblings cut me off. Another is a minor. And the other one just moved out of state without telling me.

I'm pissed at every last one of them.

And I'm pissed at all my other friends and family that have been actively ignoring my cries for help over--well, over my lifetime.

I told them all of that, in greater detail as to why. I posted it on my personal Facebook.

No one has really said anything.

I'm not sure what else I want to do with all that anger at the moment.

I just feel so hopeless.

How am I supposed to get through this life with no family? With no community?

Will that ever change?

If it doesn't, I only see one possible outcome for me.

I'm not suicidal right now. I haven't been in months. I can't see myself getting there anytime soon. My mental health has been so much better.

But emotionally, I'm just barely surviving.

And yet for some reason I just keep pushing myself.

I'm doing life coaching.

I'm going to therapy at least once a week.

I'm learning. I just finished reading Atomic Habits and I moved on to Emotional Intelligence 2.0 & Manipulation.

I've started a bedtime routine. Every night I shower, put on pj's, brush teeth, pray, journal, read scriptures, and pray again.

I'm going to church every Sunday.

I just keep pushing myself.

Even though I'm aching to just stop trying.

I can't stop trying.

Life without progress is hell.

Even though life without companionship or love also feels like hell.

I guess some hells are bigger than other hells.

Might as well limit the extent of mine.

But I really wish I were capable of just giving up on everything.

[ambitiousldssingle]

I got divorced in 2021.

I also got engaged and broke off the engagement.

Now I have a better idea of what I want, but I don't think it's likely that I'll find it.

But here's some facts about me:

I was raised a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I've always known it's true. That said, I did go astray by sleeping around and trying alcohol. I'm active again now and working on the repentance process.

I was sealed to my ex and we had children together. He blindsided me by getting a lawyer and taking full custody of the kids. I didn't fight it right away because I was emotionally and financially unstable and figured I didn't have a chance of winning any custody of them at the time. I'm working on amending this now.

I was always at the top of my class, and I graduated with an associate's degree before a high school diploma.

In high school I was voted the most likely to have a book published. I'm 25 now, and I've published several.

I volunteer for a couple different nonprofits, mostly doing social media related work.

I've been back in the work force since spring of 2021 and am currently being considered for a management position.

I'm halfway through a bachelor's in applied business management.

I have plans to publish more books and launch at least one business. I've been dabbling in entrepreneurism since kindergarten.

I cook. I bake. I craft. I do art. I play sports. I love board games. I read. I write.

I'm kind of like a jack of all trades, except I tend to be a little better than average at most everything I learn to do...

Oh, and I love anime and superheroes.

Admittedly, I don't like Star Wars, I don't really want pets, and I'm not huge on anything outdoorsy...

I want to remarry. I really do. But I don't see it happening. I've never even been able to find friends on the same level as me, let alone potential mates. And I'm not saying I think I'm on a higher level or anything. I'm just on a different level. There are a lot of people on equally high levels who I simply wouldn't be happy with.

Anyway, I love social media. I post a lot. I have quite the following from friends and family. But my account is private, so others can't find me, and there are things I'd like to share publicly without sharing with said friends and family.

I do like a certain level of anonymity.

So, that's why I created this account.

That, and so I have another outlet potential suitors can find me through...

Well, DM me if you want to get to know me.

In the meantime, you can look forward to learning more about my whacky life.