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[amelie-isnt-french]

sometimes i think about like. that brief period after linus got the letter from DICOMY about “the truth” about arthur and like… the doubt he felt, the shame and insecurity of was it a lie all this time? how could you have ever believed they’d really like you, want you, LOVE you? the idea that he was being used, that he’d slowly grown to trust them and care about them despite his efforts to remain professional but that they were using him the whole time, lying to him, and he had literally never considered it, but for the first time he thinks what if they’re only being kind to me to manipulate me, what if i was foolish for ever thinking i could belong, that i wasn’t meant to be lonely? can i even blame arthur, if he thinks he’s protecting the children?

he imagines arthur saying no, no, children, we don’t need to kill him–we just need to make him care about us. make him love us. make him feel like he belongs. and then of course, he’d run along back and say exactly what they want and never come back to bother them. he imagines that he’d finally let his guard down for nothing, that arthur–arthur who he’s only just realizing he’d truly grown to trust and like–lied to him

and even as he doubts his doubt (what if it’s DICOMY who’s lying?) it’s not just the idea that his bosses wouldn’t lie to him that pushes back (because he considers it, for the first time ever he considers they’re wrong, and he does that for arthur’s sake, for the childrens’ sake, because he trusted them and he wants to believe them so badly) but it’s that he doubts his own judgement–not them, not DICOMY, but himself. is he really worthy of their kindness? their acceptance? their love? why would they really like him–plain, boring him (”i’m just me,” he says helplessly, just me) if there wasn’t an ulterior reason? why didn’t he question that from the start? because he’d known, he’d always known, that he meant to be alone. that he’d simply always be lonely. he’d been resigned to it for so long he barely even felt it anymore. and how had he let them push his buttons, let them make him feel wanted, without even once being suspicious? didn’t he know he just wasn’t the type of person to get that? handsome, mysterious men didn’t smile at him like that, people didn’t practically adopt him into their family like that–and didn’t it make perfect sense? if there’d been a reason? if he was useful?

and like that horrible letter, with such just. blatantly, cruelly manipulative language–the repeated claims of we care about you, you matter to us, mr. baker, shield your heart, mr. baker, we’re worried about you, we’re here for you, when obviously they aren’t. they never were and never have been, and they’re worried about power and control and money, not about his wellbeing. and like, the implications and reminders of if you get attached you are failing the children, and as i’m sure you’re aware it’d be against the rules to develop feelings or care for any of them, and the subtle threat disguised as concern in the psych eval (for your own piece of mind, of course) and like. the direct implication that arthur is attempting to use him, maybe even seduce him–people will say and do anything to appease those in power. it’s a weapon, and one that is wielded quite deftly, and shield your heart, mr. baker, because that is what they go for first, and we may have underestimated how susceptible you might have been to such attentions from someone like mr. parnassus. seeing as you’re unmarried… like. no wonder linus was spiralling!

not to mention the pure fucking audacity of charles werner writing this, implying and accusing arthur of doing what he literally did to arthur years ago. guard your heart, it’s what they’ll go for first–you’d fucking know, huh? like that’s a whole other layer of this–for one, i’d love to see arthur reading this goddamn letter (that is. a fic i’ve half written. kdlfgjdfg) and kinda understanding linus’s mindset in the cellar more, but like, also. when linus says almost helplessly in the cellar you could have been using me, to have me say what you wanted in my reports, and he inhales sharply and says oh. oh, linus. do you really think so little of me? because that’s what charles did, took advantage of him, made him feel happy and in love and then used it against him, manipulated him, and like…

i can imagine part of him is almost angry to be accused of that, upset that linus truly thought he’d be capable of doing what charles did to him, but he’s also just sad, that linus feels the way he felt even if only for a moment, and like–whether he understands then, after his gut-jerk reaction, or later, when they’ve talked, but like. understanding that it was less not trusting arthur (although that was definitely part of it, mostly due to the lies/withholding of truth, however justified, they left him unmoored and uncertain) and more not trusting himself, not believing he could have these nice things…

but like also just! being in that cellar, that horrible, awful cellar, barefoot and vulnerable and watching as someone he’s grown to truly like looks at him like he might cry (far more expressive than he seems to think, which is so very endearing) and he knows that it’s fucking charles that put that expression there but it still feels like it’s his fault, even just a little…

(and like, arthur, leading up to that confrontation, noticing how linus is acting strange, and when he puts a hand on his shoulder he flinches and stiffens instead of leaning into it without realizing like he normally does, and he knows something is wrong, and he thinks he knows what. and while the idea of going down there stings like nettles he knows he has to, and anyway, perhaps its time he confronted it again, hm?)

and linus, in that cellar, that horrible, awful cellar, with the tiny tally marks and soot coating the walls, and he’s overwhelmed–with doubt, and shame, but also with just. a great and deep sadness, for arthur now, for arthur then, for all the little magical children that have suffered and he’s been unable to help, and his eyes keep drifting back to those tally marks and he wants to cry or throw up because who could ever treat a child like that. but he still has all that doubt! and insecurity! and he wants to be angry at arthur because if it had all been a lie linus might just shake apart but part of him is resigned that really, he should have known, and can he even blame arthur for protecting the children, and part of him couldn’t be angry if he tried because he just wants to wrap his coat around arthur’s shoulders because he looks cold and vulnerable and almost small and he’s in this–this stupid goddamn cellar he shouldn’t have to see again (because whether linus realizes it or not, he does trust arthur–if arthur truly were the cunning con man he fears he is, he could easily pull his heartstrings, manipulate the story to bring about pity, to show himself in the best light, as it were, but linus believes that as he confronts arthur, arthur is telling the truth, and he’s right) and like just. the complicated mess of emotions that comes with being already half in love with him but scared, scared that he might have been wrong the whole time, scared that he’ll be alone again and he’ll deserve it, scared that he might have been taken advantage of, scared of rejection, and that comes with all that doubt and all the despair on arthur’s behalf, that protective rage that makes him want to find every piece of shit complicit in making this fucking cell and destroying them, that loneliness and isolation he’s always felt, just like. all of it. you know.

and like after that initial confrontation in the cellar the idea that linus, even if only briefly, genuinely thought arthur might have been using him, that they all might have been trying to manipulate him the whole time, doesn’t really come up again–i think a lot of it, as is mentioned, just wouldn’t hold up under the light of the day, because at night and alone his fears are thriving, like. the kids, i think, he’d pretty easily realize uh yeah no. they aren’t lying, they just aren’t really like. capable of that kind of knowing like. cruelty? in that sort of way? but like. he still has those fears, particularly with arthur, who i mean–to protect the children? if he had to? maybe. maybe. but like. he like. i think he does get over it fast because he does trust them, even if he had that brief moment of just. deep fear. but like still the implications or like. i want them to talk about it like. what it means, how it affects both of them, how it meshes with the whole charles werner mess, etc. like. idk i just. i have a lot of feelings about that brief stretch of time okay.

[amelie-isnt-french]

everyday i get on this app and I see the most tragic statement about jonathan sims ever

[amelie-isnt-french]

[amelie-isnt-french]

This is so lovely, thank you for tagging me!

1. I went to a fair with my brother and we had overpriced, delicious food and went on a few fairground rides

2. I read The House in the Cerulean Sea and loved, loved, loved it - a big recommendation for anyone looking for some gentle, queer romance

3. I made an iced coffee which I'm currently enjoying ✨️

Low-pressure tagging @alice-apparently @wayward-stella and @cor3y-racc00n <3

Tag game time!

Rules: Tell us three things that brought you joy recently (no matter how big or small). Tag as many people as you want!

I'll start

1. I had a DnD session with my friends

2. I talked to a friend again who I haven't seen in three months

3. There is regularly a squirrel just outside the window that I can watch when it visits the birdfeeder

Tags: @witchy-self-shipper @practically-an-x-man @starbirdaltair @rainedroptalks @vitamin-zeeth and whoever else wants to join in!!

[amelie-isnt-french]

so anyways yall know the feeling when youve just finished reading a book about a fantastical orphanage family directed by a mysterious and beautiful man with a long kept secret who is fallen in love with by a social service worker who’s been leading a bleak and meaningless life until meeting the kids of said orphanage? yeah it kinda leaves you filled with gold and empty at the same time its fun

[amelie-isnt-french]

hcs about music and the island dads and their kids bc i am currently experiencing brainrot

x. linus used to play guitar as a kid. he wasn’t great at it, but he liked it, and he’d steal away half an hour a week to play around with the old, beaten up one they had in their public high school. he learnt all his favorite songs on it, mostly by ear, but never had the ability to practice at home. he mentions it to arthur at some point, and they magically find one back in the attic. 

x. arthur loves piano. he has the fingers for it, of course, and there’s nothing like a good jazz piano tune to pair with a philosophy book, but he also loves the expressiveness that some pianists put into their performances. when he was a young man, 20s-30s i’d say, and he didn’t live on the island yet, i like to hc he snuck into a few performances or practices for some great modern composers. 

Keep reading

[amelie-isnt-french]

Centuripe, province in Enna, Sicily, Italy

[amelie-isnt-french]

when is comes to asexuality and aromanticism you have to be okay with contradiction. one ace person will say asexuality is about not experiencing attraction, another will say it’s about not caring to act on attraction, another will say it’s not experiencing arousal. one aromantic will consider themself queer, one won’t. two people with seemingly identical experiences will use two different labels. aro people will be in romantic relationships, ace people will have sex. you get it.

[amelie-isnt-french]

I’m addicted to characters who believe themselves to be monsters or inhuman but are shown otherwise by a friend/lover/chosen family

[amelie-isnt-french]

but what if I want to raise 6 magical kids on an island with my gay lover. why do they get to and not me, it's not fair 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[amelie-isnt-french]

thinking about linus being all “i am here to do a job. not to befriend the lanky frivolous orphanage master. why is he holding my hand. i don’t like it. my cheeks are flushing this is terrible. wait why did he stop. do it again.”

[amelie-isnt-french]

[amelie-isnt-french]

There is something about Under the Whispering Door and The House on the Cerulean Sea that make me keep coming back to them.

I thought about it and I came to this conclusion - they make me feel a sort of soul deep HUNGER. A hunger for the kind of love that is described there - both the romantic & platonic. A love that accepts a person even when they walk in darkness - that sort of love. A love thats says "so you have your dark thoughts/feelings - that's OK.. by all means have them.. as long as you don't push me away. I will be right beside you as you walk your long dark road - that's all I want". I just... it makes a person feel so SEEN.

[amelie-isnt-french]

a little family portrait

this book has altered my brain chemistry, made my life better, my days brighter and made me very happy and now I can't stop thinking about it

[amelie-isnt-french]

The trope “middle aged men falling in love” gotta have crack in it or something

[amelie-isnt-french]

Linus Baker disliked himself and had a depressing view of life but Arthur and the children still fell in love with him and I absolutely love that bc it crushes the idea that you have to first love yourself or be healed in some way before other people can love you.

[amelie-isnt-french]

brutalist candy cane