amelinawheee

[amelinawheee]

Surviving

I only come here when I feel really sad and I need to vent.

I think right now I just feel like I don’t know why I exist in this world. I have friends, family, relationship, career and studies and yet, I feel like I’m going crazy. I don’t know why I need to seek constant validation from my boss. I don’t know why I’m someone who always compares. I try so so hard to go through life and stay positive but seriously I just feel like an empty shell nowadays. I just don’t know what’s the point. If I die, how will things be? 

I have been feeling like this for like 2-3 months already. And when I see people commit suicide or committing a heinous crime, I’m sad to say this but I can totally understand what drove them to that extent. I can understand, genuinely. They need help and so do I. But I am seeking help everyday on my own. 

“I can survive this” - that’s what I tell myself everyday. I try to put my emotions aside and just work, just like how the others cope with trauma and painful memories. but then again, that’s being cold. 

I think in life it’s about going through pain which could make you a cynical person but yet you choose not to be. You choose to be a warm person despite the pain you experience. You choose to love, to care, to persevere and to be kind. I can honestly say in my entire life, most of me is THAT. But it’s painful.. It’s painful to be strong but I’m surviving :) yes i am.. hahajksdfksfdlaf

[amelinawheee]

sighs

family..

I used to think that family was what made me go on in life.. but when I think again, not really..

What’s the point if I’m trying so hard but there’s always that one constant making it difficult for everyone? 

It’s so unfair. Everything is. Everytime it happens, my heart breaks. It’s always my fault. 

I am depressed. I know but I know it’s cos of my family. how? 

[amelinawheee]

MORE LESSONS TO LEARN

1. BEFORE A MEETING, ALWAYS EXPECT TO TALK. WHATEVER POTENTIAL TOPICS THAT MIGHT SURFACE, PREPARE ON THOSE FIRST

2. WHEN PRESENTING, HAVE A STRUCTURE USING BUSINESS TERMS

[amelinawheee]

Graduation & Working Life

Hihi

As you know, I was a horrible student back in NTU because I played a lot. I actually took my last semester seriously and scored well :)

But then again, Covid kinda made the grades seem much better but this result is a sight to see.

POST-GRAD

Now, on to working life. Yeah.. updates, updates..

I’m working in the business line in a competitive tech company now. I love the learning opportunities here but there is a lot of content. PLUS there’s a lack of work-life balance. And I’m not fully comfortable w my team yet. Haven’t met everyone yet cos of s*** covid.

I was told that I have to learn more technicalities since I’m in an innovation lab. So, I would have to learn UI/UX Design & Augmented/Virtual Reality. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be doing this since I’ve always been into more networking & security stuff.

But advice I would give to myself:

- Your colleagues are not your friends

- Don’t be reactive. When you feel triggered, count down from 5 and calm down. Be as diplomatic as possible. Be the bigger person

- If you feel that they have really overstepped into your boundaries, think logically and have a chat with your friends to find out their opinions on it. Please do remember that at the end of the day, DONT LET YOUR FRIENDS DECIDE FOR YOU. YOU DECIDE FOR YOURSELF. YOU OWE YOURSELF THAT MUCH.

(why I said that is because I’ve lost many friends because of what my other friends have said)

- Stick to 9-6pm w an hour lunch but do your best to rush during the 9-6.

- Weekends are purely for your leisure activities.

- Be very attentive during meetings and jot down your opinions on what’s discussed and ask questions- whatever you dont know, ASK

- JUST KEEP ASKING. DONT CARE IF PEOPLE JUDGE YOU. AT LEAST YOU’RE DOING SOMETHING

- If you feel like you’ve done wrong in the past, IT IS OK. IT IS IN THE PAST. It’s time to start afresh. Eventually, to move on, you have to start from a clean slate. Learn your mistakes from the past, NEVER REPEAT IT, take note of them and MOVE ON. You’re a brand new person everyday. Your goal is to be better than yourself yesterday.

- Don’t compare yourself to others. Their journey is theirs’. Don’t judge them. You never know what they’re going through. Be caring. Be nice. Be happy for others. Be kind, Amelina.

- Have a mentor. Make sure this relationship is 2-way. I have several mentors now tbh. I think the most important thing here is following up on the tasks given to you.

WHAT EXACTLY IS MAKING ME SAD

(TBC)

[amelinawheee]

2.4

2.52

2.8

3.1

Still risky. Gor a long way moee to gi.

I JAVE RO GET minimum 3 MUST. IF NOT NO POINT GO UNI

[amelinawheee]

2019 goals

Internship

1. Be punctual

2. Take initiative to find out more and be keen to learn more

3. Have responsibility

General

4. Dont be lazy. If i feel like it, at least make sure all my urgent things are done

5. Start working out and losing weight to below 50

6. Have more control in my life financially and decision making. Dont be like a kid when i shop w my mum.

7. Be more like an adult

8. Read bills and finance matters. Career matters. Imagine im living independently.

9. ABSOLUTELY NO BOYFRIENDS. CAREER IS NUMBER ONE. Trust no one

School

10. Dont stay in hall. After school, go library straight to study and get things done proper.

My mentality should be sacrifice one year for a lifetime.

11. If i have issues w my mum while studying, just siam cos it wont help my sitaution. All i need to do is study. Only it can hep my situation

[amelinawheee]

Reminders

Dont trust anyone. Not even your family members. Remain emotionally detached. All the time w anyone. Focus on yourself. Dont be yourself around your family. Remember that. Remember. Remember what happened 8 years ago. It has been reminfed to you from time to time. But pls. Never forget

[amelinawheee]

Worst new years ever

Today i feel like a damned child. Like im so fucked up. Anyway lets get you caught up w my life. Mm dumped me like early this month. He said his mum found out abt us 2 mths back and didnt approve and he agrees cos agn its abt the religion. And he said the same thing as marcus did. Hoping we woild be close friends still and we broke up cos of religion. Of course, marcus had more reasons why he broke up w me which was cos i didnt listen to him and that he feels like hes babysitting me. Idk man. 2 breakups within one year. And i was actually serious about them. I dont think i can take it.. honestly...

So fast forward, im still stuck in my mums control. Im not doing well in sch. Im on the verge of wasting my 4 years in uni. I fought w my mum and i made my dad and sister think im manipulative. My sister got into astar. Of course i was so excited and i wanted to tell my mum, but somehow it turned out to be a bad thing cos i let out a secret. Now everyone thinks im backstabbing them. I cant be trusted anymore.

Im so tired of trying so hard to love. Hiving chamces to anyone. I forgot what ive learnt for so many years since young. Which is im supposed to love no one at all. Everyone i love leaves me. HOW CAN I FORGET THAT. AND I KEEP GIVING CHANCES. STOP IT AMELINA PLS. HOW MANY MORE YEARS OF UR LIFE DO U WANT TO RUIN.

Enough is enough. No one will ever love you forever so trust no one. And only believe in urself. Dont trust anymore. Never.

[amelinawheee]

Updates

Okay so MM and I have lasted for like almost 4 months now. He is such a nerd. Like he is quite bossy and scary in a sense like he wants to make use of his time properly and hes just like leader-ish. He is intimidating to me but thank god Im w him and not working w him. My love for him has grown from the last time I updated here but I still feel emptiness because sometimes he just mia cos he DAMN busy. dk wth he busy w. And exam period nearing.

I feel q emo now cos like I feel during exam period, stacy also like mia. mm mia. everyone mia. its like the toughest period yet where have my friends gone? Whos here to fight this battle w me?

I cant think of anyone else except for clarice honestly. megan too la. sighs. maybe it rly is time for me to be selfish and stop caring for others so much. 

[amelinawheee]

It has been months since the end of whatever I had with Marcus. I am currently attached to MM. 

I met MM from an event and we clicked straightaway tbh. I keep questioning my rs w him cos I keep thinking his feelings for me will be gone just like that (just like how Marcus’ feelings for me disappeared just like that).

I can no longer trust MM’s words of love although he really means it. Cos Marcus once used to say those to me. And in the end, I turned out to be unattractive to him still. 

I can’t help comparing MM to Marcus when I’m together w him. And it sucks. Marcus has probably fully moved on w Jodie, happily watching cinemas together and sleeping over at each other’s place. 

On the other hand, here I am, questioning everything I’m having w MM. MM doesn’t deserve this. He deserves someone better than me.

[amelinawheee]

Birthday list

1. Collagen pills

2. Whitening pills

3. Microdermarollers

4. Fractional laser treatment

5. Free hair trim

6. Offshoulders

7. Croptops/ Halters

8. Oil-based cleanser from dermalogica

9. Neutrogena make up wipes

10. Fake eyelashes

11. Any programming kit

[amelinawheee]

is it possible to cry over him so much even after us cutting contact ~1mth. love is so cruel. why must religion get in between love. why wasnt i good enough. why do i turn weak wehn i think of him. why do i want to wake up next to him everyday and everynight. 

[amelinawheee]

Emotionless. Heartbroken. Uninterested. 

[amelinawheee]

First love

That broke me. Again. 

My first love is a guy called Marcus Er. He is an amazing person. Very weird but all those weird things that he does made him even cuter to me. I accept every inch of him. Even when he laughs out loud in cinema strangely, I didnt judge, in fact I was amused. Although he’s very very stubborn, I still love this cutiepie of mine.I would love to recount more but I scared my heart cannot take the pain of losing him again. My heart has been broken. Idw it to shatter more.. 

[amelinawheee]

xavier hurt me stacy hurt me. papa hurt me. zc hurts me. everyine hurts me. whats the point. necer open up your hewrt to anyone ever again. never

[amelinawheee]

Depression is back

Sighs. Why did i start trusting people abd thinking they would be nice. they wont ever be. to each, its own. im tired of being hurt. and crying everyday just cos im weak. and im weak cos people keep disappointing me and taking me for granted and i get angry and upset and lash out on them. i canmot control my emotions and they hate me more for it. and i honestly dont care alr. i domt care if anyone likes me or not. im so tired of everything. i hate my lofe now. i hate how im screwing up every paper and not doing well in everything. i need to stop trusting people, be a robot w no emotions again. ill do best that way. amelina, be that way.

[amelinawheee]

Amelina i really hate you a lot can you pls go die pls amelinawhee pls plsnpps jfkdndkdjdmdmdodmdnjdjdnssjksjsndjdkdjdidkdjdjdjsjsjsjsj