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my sister got a boyfriend and it's the worst thing to ever happen to me. tell me why she just looked at me when i'm getting into bed and is like "are you just writing all night" like ....yeah😔 i am

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hey kelsey! i just wanted to say that i still think about the love letters series all the time lol. it’s crazy how much nostalgia can hit me over a fic, but i think that’s just a testament to how well written it was and how much of your heart you poured into it. and obviously, when i started reading it was for axl (unfortunately), but val and jill quickly won me over lol.

i just remember some of the asks you would get would frustrate me so bad because it felt like i was watching some people just reduce the girls to side characters or miss the point entirely. like, you would write something so nuanced and layered and then people would be in your inbox talking about the boys (like no shade ig cause like, yeah, they’re hot and fun, i get it but cmon). but yeah, i can’t imagine how frustrating that was on your end. i feel like that was such a big part of why people couldn’t fully appreciate it for what it was.

anyway, i think it’s really cool that you’re still writing and doing it on your own terms now. law school on top of everything else sounds like hell on earth, so i hope you’re giving yourself credit for even being upright through all of that. and if you do come back (to duffmckagans or wherever), i think a lot of us would be happy just to see you around again — whether you’re posting the fic or literally anything at all. but either way, i’m glad you’re still doing what you love, even if it looks a little different now. you deserve that.

hi! this is so sweet ♡ honestly speaking, the series has been a thought that's been sitting in the back of my mind every day for the last almost five years, but it was a few really kind recent messages and acknowledgments of support (as well as a push to return to writing it from my bad-influence-friends (said lovingly)) that pushed me back toward it on top of my personal motives as detailed in my last ask. it was knowing that i wasn't the only one who cared about it and that there were people out there who missed it or who really wanted to read what did exist of it that had me going: man 😭

which, like, if law school is true and that does come to fruition, who knows how much free time i'll have to even do all of this again. my gut says none. however, it really does make me happy to hear that it can drag up so many happy memories for people, especially when it was always a bit of shit-storm behind the scenes. i think most people started reading for either axl or izzy (or just the gnr boys)—which, btw, i'll never knock anybody for; it's why i started writing—but i do know so deep in my heart that what excited so many people by the end were either the girls/the relationships/the original aspect of it, which i truly am so grateful for. like, seriously. the amount of love the series as a whole got, bad apples aside (ha), is overwhelming and still motivating.

towards the end, long before more band controversy popped up and before i decided to branch off with original things, it really was the asks that started to grate on me. even writing so far in advance, having 30 chapters pre-loaded at any given moment, wasn't enough to deter receiving so many missed-nuance/intentionally cruel "confrontations" over super fake things. like why on earth was i called a cunt over actions of a fictional character! and for what? because people were mad valerie was the main character and always had been? always would be? never-guaranteed-anything-otherwise? it was just so, so frustrating and really leeched the love out of it for me. like, literally every week it went from my excitement (yay! new chapter) to dread (damn it, new chapter) because after seeing people's reactions from the "present" timeline of the fic, it made me fear for what was already written in the "future" of it. it was sign number one that some part of me at least wanted to redirect things to bend to people's will and i did not want the project to turn into anything i didn't want it to be. all else was just a perfect storm to deleting it. i have bounced back, however, and i have learned how to say "fuck you, it's my story," so i do think i could face the interweb with a little more confidence and not get so defensive bc, at the end of the daaaay, this is fanfiction. puuuuuure fanfiction. rpf, arguably the fakest kind. then it just leaves my other difficulties with posting, which i'm trying to iron out.

part of me does think people learned really quickly that i wasn't messing around when that fic got deleted, but like. eh, it was gonna happen anyway. i'm sure non-reader followers to duffmckagans took their first fresh breath of air in like three years.

but, yes! writing originally is still going well. i've written a draft and have it sitting next to my bed awaiting edits, but i've been a little too busy to get my head back into that headspace, whereas i find it's always easy to return to this one and to rewrite old things than it is to generate entirely new ideas. i had to start at the beginning because there were a lot of choices i made along the way i wouldn't make today, to a point where it would've been fruitless to return any other way. (plus, like, the amount of things i forgot?).

and thank you for your support!! i am still moving for right now .... probably firing on all cylinders for way too long now, but i have hope that it will settle soon and that i can find a minute to catch my breath before something else comes knocking. i do think i will be returning to duffmckagans quite soon, so if anybody who jumped ship wants to follow me again over there, regardless of whether or not anything comes of the writing, feel free. i've missed connecting with people very much 🩷

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woke up to a notification from you, saw the word hypothetically, clicked on it and it was already gone 🙃, but I support it, I think 💕

yes, hi! sorry this is so late, life is annoying. i popped up over on duffmckagans sometime last week and made a post (i don't even remember what i said), and then deleted it like five minutes later because i'm very conflicted about the whole deal.

i'm gonna use your post as a little life update anyway, because i really do miss tumblr and think i may return to duffmckagans because i've sort of outgrown my need for this blog. i'm very much still writing original content (or, try to, whenever i'm not busy (rare)), but i've sort of left behind the need to share that with other people, mostly just because 1.) nobody cares (real), 2.) it's so slow-moving these days that it just left me with the feeling like i had nothing to do on this blog because i've pretty much completely buried to rest the idea of ever rewriting that fic in an original format and settled another, more personal novel/project i have much more faith in the future publishing of. and because it is so personal and niche and boring, it just doesn't generate discussion or anything else worth posting about at the moment.

however, i do miss having a blog. i miss talking to people, i miss seeing my friends, i miss posting my writing, i miss reblogging silly pictures with silly tags, etc. i'm honestly at my busiest point in my entire life right now because i decided over the summer that i wanted to go to law school so i've been slammed between studying for that, taking the LSAT (law school entrance exam) twice and having a third attempt scheduled for january, tutoring, working almost full-time, some volunteer work, general family chaos (permanent fixture), etc. and if anybody remembers me from my college days, you may remember i was an anomaly in that i had a supremely unusual amount of free time. enough so that i could routinely churn out anywhere from 10k-15k of new words a week. was it good? no, not really, but that's besides the point. i'm not somebody built to do so much at once, so that ever-present stress (which should clear up around late january - ignoring what may come from law school) has sort of pushed me away from all the things i used to love #HAHA!!! for a long time. pretty much everybody i know can attest to the fact i've become a shit replier, i don't even see messages for days and then i forget to reply once i do. it's very annoying and inconveniencing, and i apologize! i can't promise it'll get better quite yet, but that's a bit of explanation there. i used to be somebody who'd be around almost 24/7 and i will get back to that eventually, but ... not yet.

that being said, i've experienced other Life Things that sort of has me crawling back to things that make me happy, if only so i don't become hopelessly lost in responsibilities and pressure and stress. ironically enough, it was sharing my original manuscript with my mother of all people (adding on to if anybody knows the first thing about me or remembers when my life blew up 2 years ago) and getting to bond with her over that after pretty much being no contact for 2 years that had me remembering how important writing is for me, but not even necessarily for my own personal gain. financially, i mean. of course, publishing is a life goal, and everybody told me to pursue law so that i could eventually fund my own writing career (ngl this is what got me), but i loved sharing it. i deleted the fic a little over a year ago as of now, i think? and i feel like i've been floundering not necessarily without It, but without having something to do every week, people to talk to, reactions to read; just generally something to keep me tied to some vague sense of passing time. there was a time in my life where it was either wednesday or it wasn't x6, and some people may say that's a crazy way to live, but it got me through my awful college years with success and a smile on my face, so idrgaf. i do actually really miss the fic. i miss the whole universe, i miss the community (undoubtedly smaller, understandably), and i miss the ease it used to bring because i was just genuinely doing what i loved.

i can't even remember what i said in my other ask reply that addressed this fic, something in response to "fuck that ginger cunt," but i will say that i have revisited the fic. i have a very, very, very complicated relationship with guns n' roses as an entity and, moreover, axl and his entire existence. for obvious reasons. he fucking sucks. legitimately one of the most awful excuses of a man i've ever met (or...been waved to by?) and likely should be buried beneath a jail somewhere. i will happily wield the shovel!! that being said. actually, that's all i have to say on it. everything else is a gray area where they still stand as a band that has gotten me through every day of my life since i was 17 and where axl still stands as so much for me, principally the reason i started writing and still do to this day because nothing else can top that thrill. the fic, honestly speaking, isn't even about the band for me. i could not care less about the band, i don't think i could host a fan page if i tried, beyond reblogging pics and giving my music opinions (while we're on the topic: 1986 sound city sessions reckless life is far superior to the gnr lies version), but i really don't even remember a time where the fic was even about the band rather than some place for me to sketch out a story with roughly-drawn templates of members from my favorite band. i don't think it existed as a band fic since the first half of rocket queen, and i think people could see by the story's direction that it wasn't really about "oooo guns and roses, the most dangerous band in the Wooooorld" so much as it was my two female main characters and the matching set of He's There that were sometimes involved in the adventures. i still have that passion for all of them, i have rewritten the first 23 chapters of rocket queen and that will continue to go up whenever i find a scrap of free time because nothing relaxes me like writing or just gets me to generally calm down and forget the fact i haven't felt at peace in so long 😄

so there is a major question of if i could post it again. and i still don't know. it's tricky. there's a lot of material in there that i don't think people took the time to understand, even worse now that i approach it from a MUCH more mature standpoint (in retrospect, i had no business writing so many of those things at 18, i had no clue what i was talking about or even implying with some of those themes and scenes), and there's a lot of stuff based on or semi-based on real events (trauma) while other real information (how much of a literal threat to humanity these men, particularly axl (but i will never discount any of them) were) is excluded because . . . i don't like torturing women? i could potentially return just as a way to give myself something to do under the guise where i do it with a lot more anonymity, aka not giving people as much of a direct target to verbally/electronically abuse me over fake things, tightening how i respond to things or let people think they have a say in things, and just outright refusing to engage with other matters; let it speak for itself and be ready to pull it again the second people take it too far or clearly can't handle with maturity and respect something that's marked mature, plastered in content warnings, and thoroughly tagged/addressed at every twist and turn, because at the end of the day--because i was barely a concept when all of these events were happening--it's all fictional. "based on" anything or not, it's fake. i have nothing but secondhand, thirdhand, or no-hand information abound. everybody lies, everybody forgets things, and everybody remembers it differently, and that's just that. i always will have creative license to do whatever the fuck i want regardless of what some 'insert member' stan with their panties in a twist thinks. it said so much to me that nobody ever criticized me for writing about a deeply problematic band and just about the fact that i had women characters that made vaguely unlikable decisions.

so, i don't know. i have things to think about. i am vaguely aware of the fact i may be depressed, so i would like to have a reason to smile again while i trudge from day to day doing boring things. i am also aware of the fact that i can't just write this fic and not share it with people. i have loose lips in written form and i really don't know what else to do with it. only so much gratification comes from looking at it myself. i ALSO know i said i was going to leave this behind forever, and also that i probably should, but i am a: liar. i fucking love guns n' roses.

thanks for listening to my ramble. completely understandable if you never send me an ask again. much love 💗

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fuck that ginger cunt but would lowkey be very happy with the return of the other blog, It was the best era, the fictional ginger cunt is a babe tho

not saying i’m not like knee-deep in rewriting that fic or anything but ermmm i think ive reached the conclusion that i just can’t start posting it again 🙂‍↔️

not only do i not think i have the capability to withstand the emotional abuse i suffered doing that (😭), but also — the more i think about it, the more questionable i feel about “fictionalizing��/playing around in his trauma. tbh, like it’s all detached from reality, but some events are still real or reportedly inspired by real things, and i just feel weird about it. where i stopped with the fic, it was fine, but book 4 got into heavy themes etc that just probably don’t belong on the internet. idk if i could post it in good conscious. writing for yourself is one thing, just a way to practice/finish something that was once such a passion project, but — the internet is crazy. clearly. everybody in that band sucks as but some of those events are rough. it’s mostly out of self preservation after seeing how certain people couldn’t handle or sent cruel hate over the nuance of lesser, totally fucking FAKE, themes (😒) that i don’t know if i can ever publish again.

would like thoughts, but idk. those are mine.

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hi kelsey! i know its been a long time & you probably dont remember me but with it being nov 1 i had to message and say listening to november rain today got me thinking of the val & jill (it always happens when i listen to GNR haha). hope youre having a good time! :)

no, OF COURSE, i do!! hi brady!! sorry i didn’t answer this on time, i was in italy when i received it & there was so much going on, and then life in general is just super busy because im gearing up for law school admissions tee hee.

anyway, this is so sweet!! thanks for thinking of me & them! i’ve been listening to it chronically and actually got a november rain inspired tattoo earlier this year, so it’s still the best song ever. i’ve also been thinking a lot about the girls lately, the original girls, so …. good timing!

and despite the stress, i’m doing okay! hope you are too 🩷

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tumblr what happens if i’m down bad for a certain awful person again ☹️

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hey kelsey! idk how active you are on here, but i just saw that you wiped your old blog and wanted to send a message! as cheesy as this may sound, the love letters series and your writing/blog got me through my freshman year of college. for some reason i started feeling nostalgic of that time and wanted to check up on your blog and see how you’re doing! i fell so in love with your characters and the story you created. your blog really felt like a little “community” and i loved hearing about your writing process + the behind the scenes glimpses. wednesdays at noon became the highlight of my week..lol. but anyways i just wanted to let you know that i was thinking of you :)) i hope you are still writing because you have a true talent. love letters always felt like more than just a fan fiction and your passion showed!

hi!! sorry it took so long to answer this. i was, in fact, not active on this blog at all this summer. or, really, since may. and i did wipe that blog last november, so if anything's gone on over there, i haven't really seen it.

this was so sweet to read, however. i read it the first day that it came in and it made my day then, and it's made my day again now. funnily enough, writing that series also got me through my freshman year of college. and my sophomore year, and my junior year. i, honest to god, miss that community more than anything. i sometimes go through very brief, spasmodic phases where i think i want to pick it up again, but because of where i stand with the band now and also just purely moving onto projects that are quote-unquote more obtainable and suited to my current interests, writing style, and schedule, i know it's just my brain confusing wanting to write that specific work with wanting to have a place to talk with everybody about writing again. not necessarily that project, just anything in general.

i never took any ask i ever got for granted, and having so many people to talk to about something i loved so passionately definitely got me through my college years, which did turn out to be some of the hardest of my life! wednesdays at noon were also my favorite. i remember there would be wednesday nights where i'd check out of homework time, or writing time, or even like tv with friends/my family just so i could go answer the asks that'd piled in my askbox since posting. i would jokingly walk out of the room and say it was time to go upkeep with my correspondence.

so i hope you're doing well!! since setting the fic aside last year, i have since rewrote the first book in an orginal format, went through the drafting process, and walked away hating it, wrote a second unrelated book and Loved it (and still have the drafting process awaiting me once i figure out my future law school things), and i am now finally looping back around to turning it into something original again. i've sort of come to the realization that i can't really continue with any other book ideas i have until i get this one right and get it out of my mind, because i really do just love the story (or what's become of it) and the characters (or what's become of them) so much. i've become very, very busy as of late, but i'm still writing!! and i know i always will be in part because of how much having that blog showed me i could love it and could share my love for it.

if you don't have an electronic copy of the files and you'd like one, always feel free to message. i don't have much to do with it anymore, but i know so many people enjoy it, and it makes me happy knowing other people can continue to enjoy it even unfinished ♡ and thank you so much for the message. it means the world!

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Kirsty Hume by Iving Penn (1996)

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La nuit des traquées (Jean Rollin, 1980)

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Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

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engraved carabiners

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supernatural, everybody loves a clown [2.02]

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Silent Hill 2 (2001)

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AL PACINO as MICHAEL CORLEONE in THE GODFATHER (1972) | dir. Francis Ford Coppola.