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True love

My last post was about hatred. This post is about love. There are a few different kinds. There’s unconditional love-- that love we feel for family members, parents, children. There’s sexual love-- love we feel for those we are sexually close and intimate with. Then there’s the best love-- love we feel for friends. Those that we just feel comfortable with no matter what. Isn’t it a strange feeling to be around people who forgive your sins not because they have to, but because they’re willing to-- or those sins just don’t matter.

Marriage is nothing I know about. It eludes me. My ideal though is to find someone who is both embodies both friendship and sexual love. It seems like perfection. True love.

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It’s been 2 years

It’s been 2 years since I moved out. I remembered you even helped me. Two years and I can finally wear flip flops and dresses without worrying about what people might think of me. Without worrying what you might think of me. 

Im back in my hometown. Im doing my best since you robbed me of my confidence. I have a decent job, pay my bills, spend my money wisely and many other things you told me I could never do. My credit score keeps going up. Im very proud of myself.

I live by myself in an apartment that I’ve decorated all on my own. I’ve had a couple people over and cooked for them. I’ve drank wine I paid for with my own money. It feels damn good. Sometimes I see a man I like very much and now and again I pay for him. That feels damn good too.

I called you recently because I needed a question answered at work and you were the only person I could think of who might know. You texted me back full of hate. Well, I can say that I hate you too. You never did anything of value for me, only robbed me of my family, friends, security and self-confidence. Fuck you too.

I hope it goes away, that it melts. Hatred is a waste of energy. Just like you.

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Hi I'm Kelly and I'm trying a new way of living

Well, I went to my first AA meeting tonight. I am filled with all sorts of thoughts. One is "oh I don't need this, I'll be fine without it" another is "I don't want to have anything to do with ex narcotics users". Yet another is "wow, this is a battle that I could potentially face the rest of my life." I heard from people of all walks of life, with all sorts of experiences. I was not the youngest in the room and I certainly wasn't the oldest. Alcoholics look like everyone. They may or may not have been in jail. Getting arrested on Friday night means you'll be there until Monday. I learned a lot from going to this meeting tonite. It's a bit scary to say the least. I just know I've had one too many experiences with alcohol that I look back on and cringe. As one of my sober friends said in school, "I don't know anyone who got drunk and finished all their homework". Drinking is not good for me or maybe anyone else. My thoughts are that I'll give it a try. I may not be he worse off in The room. My low is not someone else's low. I just know that I've had enough of drinking and that it has the tendency to get worse and worse...it's a disease that will only get worse. I don't want to end up in jail. I don't want to end up date raped. I don't want to end up in an alleyway dead somewhere. And that's pretty much where I was heading. It sucks that I have a lot in my life that is sad right now, but it means I have the excellent opportunity to try to deal with it sober. <3

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So I’ve returned. I’ve been working in Atlanta for a little over a month. 

How do I feel?

I feel like my life still isn’t right. My fiance broke off our engagement. My grandmother is dying. She cries all the time. I don’t know what to do. I am happy that I am here though. Atlanta is a fine city.

I am very sad. I am sad that I went through Asa’s death with their family and I’m not good enough for Max. I am sad that I will not have a Swedish fall, but that also means that I’ll have an Atlanta winter :) 

I don’t really know how to start over. 

I’ve been shopping a lot. That’ll end soon. I just can’t help it right now. I don’t know what else to do to take my mind off of stuff. I’ve also been drinking every evening. Not enough to be drunk usually (usually) but still...too much.

I am just so sad. I am sad that things didn’t work out the way I had dreamed. I am so so so so sad. 

I know the sadness won’t last forever. I am happy that I went out for a walk today on the BeltLine. I just need lots and lots of time before I’m right again. 

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Today i am grateful for: -receiving a cool postcard from Finland -helping two people at the incubator with their businesses -speaking swedish -motivating people to run VårRuset with me -My Health -The Health of My loved ones and The hope that all of them will feel content and well soon -the feeling of wanting my sweetie to be back home on Thursday -enjoying this time for myself anyway -being able to meet friends and wonderful people everyday

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The Hedgehog Mushroom Gatherer 

Greeting card for the Madison Park Group 2015 release.

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Worlds best couple in Chamonix. Max and I have had some really great weeks lately. I'm really happy today for a peaceful Easter, traveling around most of Skåne together, spending time with family and generally finding out what makes us the most happy when being together. We are learning to live together and it's beautiful!

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:)

Troll that smells the blood of a Christian at Ny Carlsberg Glyptotek in Copenhagen, Denmark

Unbelievable Copenhagen by Nick Grapsy

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The SAD light of wonder and happiness

Have you ever heard of a SAD light? It is a light that mimics the sun that people use in the early morning in order to improve mood and energy levels. Skeptical? I certainly was. The first reason why I was skeptical is because I had never heard of anyone in Sweden using one. The second is because I had this idea in my head that it was a huge fixture in someone's house and I had never seen anything like that in Sweden-- therefore it was a mythical creature similar to unicorns and smurfs. 

I am here to preach the good word of the SAD light and to debunk some myths. I'm southern-- we're evangelical by nature -- so just roll with it.

1. MYTH ONE: NO ONE IN SWEDEN USES A SAD LIGHT. Ok maybe it is true that not very many Swedes use SAD lights, but there are tons of other people who use them. The first I heard of people using them in Sweden was through an expat Facebook group. I had posted something along the lines of "Hey guys, I'm feeling down. What cheers you up here?" and to my surprise quite a few men responded with things like "eating a bowl of popcorn while watching a movie" and even "I use a SAD light 30 minutes in the morning". 

Yes, men. Somehow this made a difference to me. If a MAN could admit to using a SAD light, then perhaps it was worth investigating. Perhaps horrible logic that is gender-biased, but it got me curious.

Also, lots of people in Scotland use SAD lights. I found an article by NHS in the UK that stated that the effects of SAD are quite real for many people, but especially those in cold, wet, damp, dark environments. James Bond does not live in Scotland-- he travels the world usually in light-filled, beautiful locales. This also made a difference.

2. MYTH TWO: SAD LIGHTS TAKE UP SPACE. I have no idea why this idea was in my head. I suppose I imagined grow lights rigged up in a greenhouse and how cluttered and ugly this looks. I couldn't imagine having a lamp in my house that was ugly and nasty. Then I discovered that the SAD lights can be small and portable as well. This knowledge helped. Below are a variety of lights available. Mine tucks away into a carrying case and goes into the medicine cabinet when it is not being used.

3. MYTH THREE: SAD LIGHTS DO NOT WORK. ANY EFFECT IS A PLACEBO. After using my light for only 30 minutes in the morning, I feel a HUGE difference. It began as a little sensation that reminded me of the excitement one might feel before going to a birthday party or something fun. Later on in the day I realized that I have so much energy! Before, when I thought about chores that I had to get done, I sighed and wanted to go back to sleep. Now I find myself vacuuming, doing the dishes, and completing my work tasks with greater ease. Hell yeah! Even if it is a placebo, I DON'T CARE. How I felt before completely sucked. How I feel now rules.

I just want others to know that this actually really worked. I was so skeptical when people suggested it to me. It's true that it is just the first day, but holy hell, the result is DRAMATIC. The unicorn is real folks.

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Comparative sizes of the world’s 12 largest seas by xyuksr #map #seas via [Pinterest pinned to the Nordpil Interesting Maps Pinterest Board]

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Punctuations.

My life is relatively great, punctuated by periods where I completely fall into a crisis about what I am doing with my life. My mom told me today that I might do this when I am lacking social exposure and need a bit attention. Wise woman. I know she's right.

So tonight I forced myself out to the gym to a group spinning class where I was yelled at by Hitler and Jane Fonda's love child to "just fucking do it". Wow. Peer pressure to press towards my heart rate max. I was a bit freaked out by how un-Swedish the whole situation was. But I want to be in shape for skiing, so I complied to the best of my body's nicotine gum-saturated ability. I also took sips of water after she proclaimed that it was "her class and her rules" and that water breaks are clearly for pussies. What rubbish.

I feel much better after the gym actually. This was the point. I also took a shower, enjoyed the new soap that I bought recently (don't get excited it was cheap stuff from Willys-- but it smells of chocolate and cream). I am enjoying the stillness of an apartment that holds only myself. I've been reading for hours. The Beach actually. It's hella-good. So good that I lost the self-consciousness to use a phrase like "hella-good".

I also decided to buy a SAD light as I stated in an earlier post. I think this is a good thing. It means that I have to cancel (or not reply) to appointments I made with potential therapists today. This is also to counteract the wretchedness that I have been feeling. I've been thinking that sometimes I feel this way because I think that I have to-- that I've been trained to do this. I don't act like this when I know that I have no choice but to go forward. It's an act I've learned living with people. 

I also read a bit about attention-seekers. This is flirting dangerously close to those negative thoughts that I have running around my head from my last relationship, but I think it is good to admit there's a bit of truth in there. I seek attention from those I live with. Not always in the best of ways. 

It's pretty good that I get this time to "återhämta" myself. I have needed it, longed for it, several long hours at a time in a place that I call home. I couldn't do this for months (or could I?) but definitely a few days. Definitely in a pattern. Definitely. It suits me. Jobba på, älskling! I miss you of course, but we need this. I venture to say he needs it too. The separation feels nice after an intense period together.

Ugh it is almost 2am. We've set up a most awful sleep pattern lately. I have to rise and shine tomorrow to get those calls done. Amongst other things.

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The SAD light!

Ok, well, I decided to keep my promise to a few folks and shell out the money for a SAD light. It will arrive on Friday and the effects are supposed to work in 4-5 days. Expect a report. :)

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Thinking back over the break

I'm thinking back over this break. I want to get over my angst or anxiety about going back to work. I always have that. And you know what? I'm the one that gets to decide what I do with my life. I just want to work simply and dutifully. It always pays off when I do my work. So why not just do it :) I had a beautiful break. With the exception of one meeting that actually was quite alright in retrospect, I had a great time with my new family members. My boyfriend who I can't believe is even real has been the best ever. I'm not even sure how I got so lucky in meeting this man. I am so happy with him. That's a bit of why I have this anxiety. He will be away for a bit in Denmark. It makes me a bit sad because it DOES get lonely. I've liked having him here with me. I'm going to miss him. But he'll be back each weekend. And we have a vacation in March to look forward to as well. We gave each other Christmas presents. I gave him a nice birthday present. We celebrated with his family which actually was super nice. New traditions. The best. I can see so much in the future with him! So much to look forward to! I can't wait actually. I like this idea that I'll get to hang with them more and more. They are an unexpected plus. Icing on the cake. I like all of them. This break was great. It was deserved. I look forward to the one in March too. Goals for 2015? Just be happy. Do the things I want to do. Say no to things I do not want to do. Get more sales. Maybe take better care of my finances. Save a bit of money for college student loans. Save a bit for nicer apartment. Do my taxes on time. Take care of my sweetie. Let him take care of me.

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I wrote you!

I wrote a letter to you and courtney about this new Life of mine. Yrkes- och kärleksliv blomstrar sade du. Mindre roligt är min inställning till ditt modersmål.

Jo…det har du rätt i. Jag försöker göra lite mer då o då. Det kommer. Men inte lika bra som när jag satt i din klass. Eller? Kanske i Josefins eller Stefans. Din klass var annorlunda men jag lärde mig mycket.

Jag tror att det finns en viss period i ett förhållande när det börjar bli en rutin. När allt blir grått som vädret, särskilt när man jämför det med sommaren innan. Jovisst det händer. Vad gör man då? Vadå då? Man måste fortsätta göra sakerna som känna bra tycker jag. Städa om det är vad man gillar. Gör om lite heminredning om man får lust av det.

Livet fortsätter bara.

Och vad vill man då.

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