amicauxl

[amicauxl]

I forget all too often I am a subject-participant in an ongoing history, that what happens around me requires documentation, that what happens inside of me constitutes a process that is important to my growth and reflective/indicative of a group journey.

Toni Cade Bambara (on her 42nd birthday) in a letter to June Jordan  (via popca)

[amicauxl]

Artwork by the talented #markusprime follow him on the tag and check out more art! #genesisultra knows #ulovethatrealart !

[amicauxl]

Mood. daily

Lioness. | #repost #markusprime #queen #beautiful

[amicauxl]

"You'll never have enough money"

At the suggestion of my father to help sort through all of the constant thoughts I have floating in my head a mile a minute. I will yet again, attempt to be consistent with blogging.

It all started normally enough,  I had called my dad upset, crying and complaining basically about wishing to relinquish being an adult; rent, phone bill, gas and electric, car note etc. I’m 24 a recent college graduate, training to be an elite sprinter and intend on pursuing both MA and Ph.D programs in African Studies to emphasize (for now) Social and political formations of race concentrating on the Dominican Republic and Haiti.

Now this all sounds good and well, but it’s like I get into these moods, where i have a dizzying and desperate need to fly away! Not from anything or anyone, but just to cast off conventions and expectations and responsibilities and just GO! Which is quite difficult when again, you have bills and impending student loan debts. So then I got to thinking and worrying.

What if I never accomplish the freedom that I am seeking? 

This of course lead me to thinking even more about hatching plans to flee, and even writing this, I am plotting even more!

I went through my inbox and looked up an email from a traveling Comrade I met over the summer during an organized protest after the Travyon Martin verdict. I was a primary organizer for a coalition; Justice for Trayvon Martin, Los Angeles and found myself leading masses of people onto the 10 freeway to shut down rush hour traffic after being belted with metal pellets, bean bags, billie clubs and fist from the LAPD the previous night and that day. I lead us on a 9 hour march from Leimert Park to Hollywood and Highland and then organized the take over of Beverly Hills’ Rodeo Plaza that following Wednesday.

So throughout the summer I was speaking and attending rallies and marches it seemed like daily and met incredible people. One was Danny. A real adventurer who spoke 5 language, was a yogi, a boxer, a Life Foodarian and baseball fan from New York. He left such an impression on me with regards to travel, to the struggle again injustice. As an Irish American, he was heavily involved in combatting imperialism and white supremacy and had been at organized rallies and demonstrations from the east coast to Brazil, Dublin and everywhere.

He told me something about travel and experiencing life as he had. “You will never have enough money, ever. Just go! Put some shit on a credit card, or take out a small loan and go. Work your way around if you need to, but don’t wait.”

Coming from someone who had lived in Brazil, Haiti, Cuba, Mexico and God knows where else by now. I figure, he’s right.

In one of my posts I talked about the graduation blues, that dull gnawing from having concluded a massive chapter of what you’re ‘supposed’ to do in life, to being left with the emptiness of now searching for a new way to prove yourself through some sort of achievement or attainment. And while I write out these goal lists and plans about the next institution to spend money and rack up more debt for a degree, the only thing I seem to TRULY want to do is travel.

Not vacation, but like live a different life for a bit. My friend and I have a deal to be beach bums for 1 week straight after this year’s spring graduation when he finishes his degrees in Pan African Studies and Political Science. Its something small, but Brazil is also in the works and I’m extremely motivated to make that happen! 

See my ultimate fear is being buried, or whatever with experiences left to be had, places left unseen, people I never met or loved or experienced. I want to really live and I am sure a lot of us feel like that.. So let’s just go. If we fall, fuck it, nothing lasts forever.

[amicauxl]

"I am not a black artist, I am an artist." - Jean-Michel Basquiat

[amicauxl]

San Francisco Police shoot & kill 19 yr old

Warning: the video is graphic.

Yesterday, at 4:45 p.m., SFPD shot a teenager who fled during a fair inspection on a Muni light rail car. The cops claimed that he was armed and had fired shots at them first. After the suspect was shot in the back, no gun was found. Doesn’t this sound awfully familiar?

Seriously though, you shot a 19 yr old over a $2 fair? And he later died in the hospital, all because he didn’t pay a $2 fair & you assumed he had a gun. Back up arrived before an ambulance did. No back up was needed. There were already other cops on the scene, some even carrying assault rifles.  The man was on the ground fighting for his life. That moment in the video where he struggles to even attempt to get up is some of the most chilling video I’ve seen. Ever. 

It’s okay though right? America will probably ignore this & move on to some more mindless crap,  as is usually the case. I’ve seen it before with the Oscar grant case, Sean bell, James Brissette, and countless others. When will this country’s collective conscious wake up?

[amicauxl]

A forever tomorrow.

Damian,

You:

 Always asked for advice, “Sis…” you would begin before unfurling the doubts and questions that wrestled between your mind and your heart.

 Shaking them out between us like a dirty rug.

Eyes searching for answers and confirmation you already felt.

Reassuring, honest, these growing pains have been felt here as well, mistakes here too had been made. I was eager to protect you, all of you from any similar pitfalls, distractions that lurched below the surface in disguise waiting for a moment of weakness to derail you.

You:

I reminded, are valuable. Intelligent, compassionate, full of potential impending bloom.

You held the brush that painted beauty in the life of everyone around you with just a smile.

Smile.

As if you took 1000 watt light bulbs and installed them into your cheeks.

As though we depended on it to warm the earth like our bodies sprawled on cold concrete, shallow breaths pleading for your smile just once more.

Smile

Like the slow burning of the sun dropping below the horizon casting disimpassioned

Lingerings that held the confident promise to return in the morning.

Your soft laughter dismisses our sorrows, outstretched hands, we join you.  Climb into your new dream and set sail. Cut through calm waters rocking away what was.

Pointed north, we glide towards your envisioned horizons where soul and soil is pure. Faces outlined with salt traces from the sea, forgetting the torment left behind and allow something else to rise in its place.

We close our eyes, remembering you so full so as in an instant we are engulfed again by the warmth that spills forth, cascading out again from you and...

We Smile.

[amicauxl]

I’m very surprised that this video from Justin Sky(@JustinSky_) only has about 600 views. Justin portrays two sides of life, death and life, through this short film that I was very impressed with. You can also follow him on Twitter

Justin Sky (Formerly Skywalker1nine) and NKEdit team up once again to bring you a visually stimulating enterpretation of 1nine’s popular single: “The Kiss” (1:20-4:48). Produced by Cameron Graves and featured on 1nine’s debut album “Fresh Prints”, The Kiss takes us on mankind’s oldest journey; decisions. Elevate. Engage. Enjoy. Shot by Nik Koyama for NKEdit. Directed by Nik Koyama (NKEdit) and Justin ‘Skywalker1nine’ Bullard (Walk On The Sky Entertainment) Story by Justin ‘Skywalker1nine’ Bullard www.Skywalker1nine.com

[amicauxl]

Something I am working on..

let me dream again.

find my imagination and paint the pictures of what I expected my life to be with the faded colors of melancholy disappointment. 

Paint layer upon layer until the pale, dry colors become vibrant and gyrate with the promise of fulfilling my purpose and...

[amicauxl]

20 December 2012 I realize I will never feel this beautiful again. Youth, the precious dowry we dew drenched brides squander on insatiable cravings For perfection and the more. We were enough all along.

Myself!

[amicauxl]

push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise. 2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable. 3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it. 4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else. 5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything. 6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice. 7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small. 8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full. 9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle. 10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck. 11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog. 12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through. 14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything. 15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends. 16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.

Sixteen Small Steps to Happiness (via losing-every-extra-pound)

[amicauxl]

Is This a Real Assignment??

For an assignment in my last class for my B.A degree: Writing for Sociology, we are required to think of a job we want, write what it is, then find a job posting for something similar and apply. While I was trying to think of a job that I would want, I was faced with a real process of reflection, I mean thinking of a job you want is a daunting task when you look around and see only two extremes; people hating their jobs but staying for a paycheck, and others who have dream jobs achieved by connections. My current jobs are ok, but definitely not anything I wish to remain doing for longer than a year or two. Ideally I would love to work in a field that combined; the arts, social examination, travel, foreign languages and some capacity for me to be a center of attention at some point. With a description like this, all signs point to careers in acting, diplomacy/foreign affairs, or some kind of cultural exchange program for the arts. Because the first two are extremely difficult and not one I could easily write a letter to, I decided to write for the last one; associate of foreign culture and diplomacy in the arts and talent extraordinaire… Any ideas on where THAT job posting is?? 

[amicauxl]

I’m often asked why I’ve focused so much more on anti-black racism than on Asians over the years. Some suggest I suffer from internalized racism.

That might well be true since who doesn’t suffer from internalized racism? I mean, even white people internalize racism. The difference is that white...

[amicauxl]

Gradualtion Blues

It has been almost two full weeks since graduation celebrations have come to a close and if you were a graduating senior, you may be experiencing what I like to call "graduation blues." This ailment shows symptoms such as; perpetual state of melancholy, anxiety, frequent social media torture, as well as slight case of  existential depression. But why is it that some of us feel this way? The completion of a college degree is meant to be a milestone accomplishment on our journey of life fulfillment, right? So why does it feel like we're drifting in this huge ocean of doubt on a skipper made of fear?   I don't have to point out the rate in which social media has changed the ways in which we interact with others and even ourselves. Our culture seems to promote what I call a "fast food lifestyle." We have access to all of this information and stimulation, but no real meaning in them. Facebook, and instagram dominate our means for interaction, even down to the way we are measured by future employers! We follow people on social media sites to compare ourselves to our newly defined "friends," as a means of self torture. While we're in school, we feel like we're working towards a goal. We have a vision of accomplishing the task of graduating and expect this overwhelming sense of achievement and elation upon completing. Now that our elation and relief is replaced by concern and angst about our future, we seem to be on edge. We've become so worried about finding that "good job" that our parents are pushing us to find, getting into or being denied from our dream grad and professional schools, chasing the good life that we see flashed all over our instagram through images of our "friends" seemingly constant vactions that we have forgotten one thing...   Life is an individual sport.We've gotten this far by ourselves! That is not to say that we didn't have support systems, but all of the support in the world did not take that organic chemistry final for you, or stay up until 4am writing that thesis on Merton's strain theories. The same way we worked our way towards earning a  degree, we can continue to work and attain any new goal which is valuable to us. Our values drive our goals, decisions and the roads we travel in life. Instead of continuing to be caught up in our graduation blues, I challenge each of us to do a bit of self evaluation and identify our values. They can act as the guiding map on this new journey out of graduation blues and into the life we truly want.

[amicauxl]

And that small part that remains is a memory and a dream, that we can always revisit, reminding us that it was real.

[amicauxl]

Where are we Fucking Going?!

6.2.13

I am sitting on a train, heading back to the assiduously pretentious rolling of the LA life, reading for my final sociology course and of course, begin to reflect. This weekend, while visiting home, my mom, her friend and myself went to a small shop dedicated to holistic health, and the ways of Eastern ideologies. We left after being consulted, and "chosen," by healing stones. A Lapis Lazuli wand, Prehnite ring, as well as a thin gold neck "choker," a tiger's eye bracelet for my beau, and description of the stones' properties, later we left. Before choosing my wand and ring, the owner of the shop did not allow anyone else to touch the items and insisted on me holding two crystals in opposite directions; facing up and facing down, while I allowed the stones to "speak to me." When I read their description, both were said to assist in with a path for self knowledge, reflection, inner peace and truthful communications. This was interesting because recently I began acknowledging particular behaviours that ultimately lead me in maintaining a pseudo presentation of myself emotionally and basically find ways to sabotage or not fully invest in relationships period. I wanted a change and have been working on it.

What I am realizing is that I am not the only one afraid to make real commitments to anything out of fear, fear of anythiing, take your pick; success, failure, embarrassment, happiness, disappointment etc. To credit  a "founding sociologist" who probably stole his ideologies from visionaries far removed from himself, C. Wright Mills, explained that when we probe into our own "personal" problems, we begin to see that they nearly always reflect a more broad PUBLIC pathology that requires change. 

How many people in our group of friends of acquaintances can we look to that is looking for themselves? Taking hiatus from technology, grinding atmospheres of the corporate world, or constant mundane job search through therapy, "new age" religious ideals etc? It seems today, we are ALL empty, and starved for any form of a shared connection to anyone or anything. Think about it. Our current US society is in a terrible state of "moral" decay. It seems even that term is antiquated since we collectively have none aside from the idolization of money. We are so tired, yet rather than changing the fact that we have to work 40+ hours at a minimum paying job to barely afford rent and food, we dismiss the idea of making change, grab a cup of starbucks and continue grinding ourselves back into the earth, dead, but I digress. 

The wand and the ring seem to be sending out incredible vibrations and when my sister held her hand over the wand, she felt a hot pulsating energy coming off of it, which I had previously felt. I can't say that diverging from "traditional" or conventional ideals and practices is a better way or the right way to seek the truth that we all seem to be chasing, or that it will purge me of the beckoning of our materialistic, consumer, individualistically focused, exploitative, unjust society that is The United States of America, but I do know that personally it feels way better than not trying, so I'm riding back to LA feel a little more prepared to handle the bullshit.

Amicaux L.