amirayna

[amirayna]

[amirayna]

[amirayna]

[amirayna]

[amirayna]

Now here you go again, you say You want your freedom Well who am I to keep you down It's only right that you should Play the way you feel it But listen carefully to the sound Of your loneliness Like a heartbeat drives you mad In the stillness of remembering what you had And what you lost, and what you had, and what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's raining Players only love you when they're playing Say women they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean, you'll know, you'll know

Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions I keep my visions to myself, it's only me Who wants to wrap around your dreams and, Have you any dreams you'd like to sell? Dreams of loneliness, Like a heartbeat, drives you mad In the stillness of remembering, what you had, And what you lost and what you had and what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's raining Players only love you when they're playing Women, they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean, you'll know

Thunder only happens when it's raining Players only love you when they're playing Say, women, they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean, you'll know You'll know, you will know, you'll know

[amirayna]

[amirayna]

[amirayna]

[amirayna]

I have loved two men in my life, one died, the other is chaotic, amazing, confusing, and my friend.  I think it is time to hang up my romance hat and address the life I have, quit allowing myself to fancy that there can be anything more for me.  There is nothing wrong with what I have.

[amirayna]

I work for Dante now, he has been made Watch Commander, and I am his faithful scribe.  We have settled into a comfortable friendship, which sometimes seems quite odd, other times it feels as natural as my next breath.  I have spent time loving him, cursing him, now we are friends, and comfortable.  

There are moments when the past comes rushing back and overwhelms me.  I am sure in those moments it would take very little for me to fall back into things best left alone, things that will go nowhere and leave me raw and aching again.  Those moments are not the norm, and they pass quickly, leaving me thankful that he does not know, I would hate for him to think me weak when I work so hard to be anything but.

It is fair time again, and after the last fair, I chose to sit this one out, too many memories there, happy times, but there was promise there, and joy, promise that did not pan out, joy that was blinding, moments that I would not trade for anything, they are a part of me now, but the brightness faded and life moved on.  

My life, is good, I work hard, for Caste and City, I teach the children, my own children are nearly grown and I wonder what I will do then, when they have lives of their own and are not calling for Mama as frequently as they do now.  I have not ventured out enough to have a life of my own again, better for now to bury myself in work and family, perhaps in time, but now is not that time.

[amirayna]

[amirayna]

[amirayna]

Sometimes

All I can do is look out

Into the gathering dusk

Somehow willing destiny

To bring my heart’s desire

To me

The wetness blinds me a little

As I feel trickles on my cheeks

But the night is blind anyway .....

What is there to see

Except the lines of a fragmented soul

Etched upon mine .... endlessly

There’s an odd comfort in the tears

As I live, and relive

Each dream, in all its shredded weaves

They’re threadbare,

For I’ve leafed through them

More times than I have breathed

But their bits .....

They are my most cherished treasures

Mine, and mine alone to keep

On each of the wet shards

I bleed my love

They bring you closer to me.

(Manic Sylph)

[amirayna]

Dinner at the Old Gate, it was a lovely night.  I ended up eating my dinner with Dante, it was quite pleasant.  Leaving the Tavern, he tossed me over his shoulder and carted me home.  The man always seems to think I can’t walk.  He took me straight to his chamber, we slept .. why do I always sleep better wrapped in his arms?  Though it seems that is mutual, he always seems to be able to relax with me, which makes me incredibly happy, he deserves some happiness, some time to relax, and I am thrilled that I can give that to him. He’s taken an interest in Rafe, begun training him, Rafe thinks he’s amazing, a hero ... we agree on that. My relationship with Dante is so strange, we always seem to pick up where we left off and it is so confusing. Little touches, lingering glances, teasing words, I love the man, and what should be simple is anything but.  

[amirayna]

[amirayna]

Dante pulled me aside today, at first .. I thought it was going to be something pleasant, Kings I was so wrong.  He told me .. that while I am an amazing woman, I deserve better than him, someone that can give me all that I deserve .. all I want, is to be loved. He has been amazing, tender, loving, taking such care of me like no one ever has in all my life, and yet, he thinks I deserve more.  When does it matter what I want?   I want him, so simple, quite plain, but he does not want me.  He called me complicated and extraordinary, and himself, a selfish bastard.  I do not understand, I was prepared to give him everything. Stavros said I was cursed, I never put much stock in that, but now.. I am no longer so certain.  Happiness is simply not to be mine, not like other women, there will be no man in my life, save for Rafe.  What sort of example am I for my children?  I cannot keep a man, is it me? Really?  Am I too demanding? Too passive? Do I now show enough passion? Or perhaps too much?  I have been called many things over the years, from ice ubara, to a passionate witch, I suppose it depends on my mood and the man, and how I feel about him.   I love Dante, further, I fell in love with Dante, but I was foolish, I thought he loved me, all the signs were there, I am normally a good judge of character, maybe I only saw what I wanted to see?  I cannot believe that, I simply cannot, I will wait, give him time, space, and hope to all that is holy that he comes to his senses. I want him to be My selfish bastard.

[amirayna]