ampcideas

[ampcideas]

Gentle self love allowed me to find all the silver linings today: I had to miss a celebration in honor of THE young person who made me an auntie - who’s being deployed for the first time - bc the bug I’ve been trying to fight off caught hold. There’s still a glimmer of hope. Deployment isn’t until the 31st, so I may still be able to hug his neck.

So today, I indulged in whole healing and so much hedge witchery.

Morning movement was putting away the dishes and loading the dishwasher + running it.

Then, enjoying my freshly cleared counters, I simmered high protein ginger/turmeric bone broth with more fresh ginger + turmeric, plus black peppercorns, cardamom pods, gynostemma, and Yerba mate.

I grabbed radishes the other day, so after I got tired of the Greek yogurt dip, I started exploring the fandom of radishes + butter using a really lovely happy cow butter at room temperature. I’ve found I love it most when the radishes are sliced thin and pushed into a thick layer of butter on a really hearty + toothy German sourdough that I got from a local bakery. Now I need a new loaf of bread bc this was the last piece and I still have lots of radish left.

To delight all the senses, esp since smell and taste started off very diminished this morning, I strained the enriched bone broth into my green tea pot and kept it insulated in an adorable and soft tea cozy I got off Etsy a literal decade ago. For my bread, I chopped it in half and angled the pieces over the extra radish slices (easier to pick up and more aesthetic - win win!) on bob’s and my wedding china (Lenox everyday china for the win - we’ve only had slight color fading on the design, a bit of scratching, and a few tiny soft-edged chips on the bottom where the base rests after 15+ years of use, so they’re extra satisfying when one tends to be clumsy and also wants to use pretty things).

Discovered this playlist last night and it is continuing to bring me joy:

While sipping my broth/tea out of the dogwood patter Japanese tea cup from an adventure someone in my biofam had that has been lost to time, I savored two episodes of this delightful docu/restoration design/diy show that sings to my soul - I love how much diversity and love is highlighted in each episode.

I still didn’t have capacity to read or move much, so I put on the 90’s Matilda, fed my cranky dry skin with miracle comfrey oil made here locally, trimmed all my hangnails, and remembered just how much this story has always spoken to me — it was so many layers of healing.

Lunch was squash and lentil veggie stew leftovers and I realized it was almost 60F and gorgeous out, and my sinuses weren’t hurting, so I made sure I had plenty of layers to adjust before taking thrall on a very gentle stroll.

I kept my phone laid on the stroller bc I intended to take many pics + so I could watch for messages from the hubs in case he woke up (night shift) and wondered where I was — so it only counted the steps when I was taking photos, which made me laugh to see only 46 steps in 2 miles. I was not wearing 7 league boots.

I’m really embracing this new era of life with my chosen family and I’m really looking forward to finding my personal rhythm in life. I think the perspective the folx behind the Oura ring align with that, so I’m excited to try my first wearable in a few years since I got over both the watches I tried. After wearing the sizer for 24 hr, I confirmed my ring size and read more depth into getting the most out of it.

Leftover za’atar chicken noodle soup with extra root veggies (from a broth based gratin experiment) for dinner.

I’m picking up Susan Weed’s Abundantly Well again and it feels like the right time. There’s a lot of good stuff in there and I bought the book before I saw the accusations of abuse from her apprentices. Since I just learned of Neil Gailan’s treachery (and Amanda Palmer’s complicit-ness) and I’ve already felt so much conflict re: every time I enjoy a song that comes on and then it takes forever to connect it’s Micheal Jackson… it seems abundantly meta to read this book with caution and care while I use wisdom gleaned from it to heal from a very similar type of abuse she did to her apprentices that my mother and three bosses did to me, while delicately exploring how to maneuver a manuscript filled with with incredible insight and magic that was written by someone who chose to hurt others.

But I’m learning to prepare for challenging mental + emotional situations more effectively, so last night I made the most amazing adaptogen truffle experiment and tonight I made a fresh batch of medicinal flower confetti to make some grapefruit extra special and damn did it! Also, the way I got the peel off was incredibly satisfying.

Truffles were inspired by this Anima Mundi recipe:

But that was just a vague reference. I used 1 bag of semisweet chocolate chip minis, reserving part for the drizzle. In a big bowl: chocolate chips, 1/2 c coconut powder, 1 tsp vanilla powder, 1/2-1 tablespoon ea: ashwaganda, …like 10 adaptogens. Microwaved in very low slow increments until it all stirred together nice, then I stirred in 1/2c s elixer and rolled into fluffy truffles, dusted with extra cacao, and stuck in the freezer for a bit. The chocolate drizzle is ~1/4 bag chocolate chips + 1 tsp coconut oil + 1/2 tsp vanilla power + a dash bergamot oil. Drizzled on top and then sprinkled with crushed rose, lavender, and blue lotus flowers. They have such a great chew and taste floral, chocolate, jammy and the bergamot + vanilla engulf you.

I think I’ll wind down my night with a good nasal rinse, dream tea, and a bit of qigong if I’m not already crawling in bed. 🔮✨

[ampcideas]

Here’s to a fruitful summer ✨

A very slow + intentional celebration this year.

Cheese board: Robusto, drunken goat, jarlesberg, white Stilton w/ apricots. Rainier cherries, strawberries, peach, cucumber, cherry tomatoes (volunteers in my kitchen garden!). Basil + mint from my garden. Strawberry preserves, mustard. Fruit + nut sourdough from local sourdough bakery. I wanted a juicy, rich, stone fruit wine and I got exactly what I wanted in this Lapis Luna Pinot noir.

Honey cakes drenched in lemon-thyme infused honey syrup — lemon-thyme a gift from a friend 🥰 and makes this 👩‍🍳🤌 They taste/feel like fluffy pound cake.

Wishing all beautiful solstice vibes. 💖

[ampcideas]

Reflection on the moon:

exploring my past lives

I have always done trust falls. It’s the most certain way to know if they’ve got you.

When they don’t have you, it hurts really terribly.

When they do, it’s so much sweeter for having known the pain of all those times you were dropped or intentionally allowed to fall.

After my biological family dropped me, all I wanted was the feeling of being safe + loved again.

I’m brave enough to demand trust in all aspects of my life because I am privileged enough to know, deep in my bones, that it’s possible.

So I started doing trust falls with extended family and was dropped more often than not. And then to try out friends and lovers and even jobs - and it’s paid off. I’m privileged to have so many families to adventure + savor so many wonders of life with.

All the years of being willing to go through the heartbreaks have also brought a life filled with beauty, purpose, magic, and really good people who build safety + love.

—

As this moon wanes, I reflect on what I’ve learned over the last few weeks exploring my “past lives” looking for trends within the last four decades of being me.

[ampcideas]

Choose to be the rainbow among the dreary.

From the winter 22/23, I put the Peace flag out when Ukraine was attacked. I apparently saved a draft instead of posting - but it seems excessively appropriate for my current emotional state.

[ampcideas]

💔 Venting in a safe space.

Triggers: death, dysfunctional family, medical, abuse

My mother is slowly dying. She has been for a few years. It got worse last week.

We’ve been estranged now for a while. I blocked her calls and texts a few years ago. Last year I informed her that showing up to my house uninvited will result in me calling the cops. I reminded her she is welcome to send me letters. Not that she’s ever sent one.

My mother is a survivor of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse that started in her childhood. For a time she refused to let that define her, but eventually she became a full time victim. She has also chosen, many times, to perpetuate abuse.

Somewhere in the middle, she raised me to be stronger than her. She gave me opportunities she never had. She wanted me to learn from the shit situations and lessons life had handed her in the hopes that I could recognize the warning signs and avoid the avoidable.

She also raised my brother to be stronger than her, but he didn’t get the benefit of the unconditional love that I received in the first 2 years of life. I may have had an invisible bomb go off around me when I was 2, but my little brother grew up in an emotional war zone from start. Plus he’s a boy, and therefore a reminder of all the discrimination + abuse she suffered bc she was born a girl. He’s got a lot of issues he doesn’t seem to have the interest to heal from either.

(My dad is still alive and sort of in the picture. He grew up in abject poverty exacerbated by a physically abusive dad and alcoholism. He didn’t want kids. Mom poked holes in condoms and delighted when the birth control failed. Mom and dad were in a good spot as a couple when I was born, so I got unconditional love from both of them. The invisible bomb that destroyed my life as I knew it exploded when dad’s mom died. That’s also when mom thought a new baby would fix things. Surprising to no one: it didn’t; it just exacerbated the trauma. They got divorced a long time ago and neither of them have healed from any of it.)

So now we’re in a situation where my mother’s body is dying of lots of things, the most simple of which is kidney failure.

Last year we learned that she was at 90% kidney failure, and that she had been informed her kidneys were at 70% loss 3 years prior.

Instead of doing something positive about it - like getting on the recommended diet and exercise plans or even just choosing to live whatever remains of her life to the fullest surrounded by people who want to love her - she’s leaned into her defense mechanisms and addictions.

She’s on the donor list for a kidney, but if she ever got selected that would be a gross misappropriation for such a precious gift. And no, I will not allow her to torture one of my kidneys.

She has internal bleeding, but the hospital staff wasn’t able to find the source, likely due to a combination of her extreme obesity + lack of cooperation for anything medical.

So she’s back home. Bleeding internally. Occasionally doing some at-home dialysis.

And, on top of the alcoholism and terrible diet, she’s a hoarder. So I can’t fathom that her home is a safe place for someone in her post-op condition to be.

My current dilemma is how to get updates. Do I continue to rely on my narcissist brother? Do I unblock her and subject myself to more abuse from her? Do I attempt to explain the situation to one of my aunts/uncles who have never demonstrated concern for my mental health and are likely to subject me to a speech on how important blood-family is? Do I risk everyone’s wrath by asking a sheriff to do a weekly welfare check on her?

She may live another decade out of pure spite, which is a shame bc every day she’s in more pain and anguish than the one before, so every day has been the worst day of her life for quite some time now. It is a certain kind of miracle that she’s alive now.

Whenever she does die, it’s very likely she’ll be amongst her hoard and the logistics for dealing with that… will be excessively horrifying.

And when we’ve dealt with that, there will be the debt to manage.

Why does my biological family choose to live out horror stories?

[ampcideas]

Talkative birds + puppy snores while I breakfast + journal.

[ampcideas]

I took my necklace off + laid it on the coffee table, except it decided it was going to stand up.

A bit of sassy petulance on from a moon phase necklace on the last night of the moon 🌙 when it’s wearer is being petulant about going to bed tracks.

[ampcideas]

Mental health + healing has taught me:

Telling my mother that if she comes by my home uninvited again, I will not hesitate to call the police to escort her off my property—not the hardest choice I’ve been forced to make.

Knowing + accepting that this new boundary was the best decision for my mental health—so much overwhelming sadness.

Being a strong, badass, brave human can be really exhausting. Living a magical life filled with real joy + love is worth it, but these battles sure take their toll.

[ampcideas]

Grounding tarot spread

(Under the protection of my familiar)

N - which of my traits will best serve me in this moment?

E - which version of me do I call on for support?

S - what resources do I have at my disposal?

W - what am I feeling gratitude for?

[ampcideas]

Gratitude manifest. 💕

[ampcideas]

Yuletide greetings ✨🎄🥳

[ampcideas]

Dichotomies allow us to truly appreciate the good, just, beautiful — but only after paying the price of first knowing the bad, unjust, and ugly. This is the double-edged blade of life. And is why our most inspiring artists have tumultuous backgrounds.

We always have a choice. This is a moment reminding me to allow myself to learn from the negative and apply that knowledge to investing in appreciating and creating more beauty.

[ampcideas]

When the weather is this perfect, it’s blasphemy to not enjoy the rest of my tea outside after my morning call.

[ampcideas]

I mean, it’s literally the perfect dish.

[ampcideas]

Journal Prompt: Act the way you want to feel.

No one has more control over how you feel than you do. If you don’t like how you’ve been feeling lately, what can you do to *change* that? (Ink+Volt journal)

Show myself the same love + compassion that I show to others.

Gently

remind myself:

You have to check the foundations first:

- food - water - rest - restore

- check the fuel tank: daily - hourly when needed

- is it actually: Urgent? Important? Necessary? Desired?

- what if… I didn’t feel this way?

- when did I start feeling this way? what triggered it? (bc I don’t always feel this way!)

? Is this a recurring issue ?

No? Stay gentle + explore

Yes? BUILD BOUNDARY

[ampcideas]

[ampcideas]

It’s delightful to discover that it’s happening: you’re becoming the person you really wanted to be. And yeah, it’s payoff from a lot of hard, intentional work, but it’s also magical.