anaalnathrakhs - Tumblr blog

[anaalnathrakhs]

honest to god i have no idea what i'm gonna do. i need some kind of actual medical professional to see me at least once by the end of spring break to prove im not a hazard, else i'm not welcome at my school anymore. i can't fucking do that. i can't fucking do that. what even would happen. when do i even do that without my parents knowing. noticing. i can't break this routine i can't do that i can't leave my parents. i can't be any more of a burden than i already am. i can't let people think i'll get better it's never going to happen. five fucking years of progress down the drain. i don't want anybody to even think about me rn. i want everybody to fucking forget i exist and let myself rot to death in my room. i want to take the first train and fuck off to nowhere but im a wee little baby scared of everything. what the FUCK am i supposed to do. i was functional. i really was functional why does it fucking matter to them. let me tumble through life. i can't put everything on pause every time i feel like being sorry for myself. i can't okay. i can't be a healthy person. i don't know where i should be allowed or not.

<- pretending to be a statue so the crushing awareness of my maladapted idiosyncrasies doesn't catch me

[anaalnathrakhs]

<- pretending to be a statue so the crushing awareness of my maladapted idiosyncrasies doesn't catch me

[anaalnathrakhs]

[anaalnathrakhs]

I know SEVERAL afab nonbinary people who, as soon as they came out as nonbinary - immediately began dressing in ridiculous hyper-femme outfits they never would have worn before.  A lot of people see this and say shit like “Theyfab” or say they are only nonbinary for attention.  After all, look how femme they are.

But to me, this makes perfect sense.  When you are forced into the category of “woman” against your will, femininity is a chore.  It’s a job that you have.  As soon as you say no, I’m not a woman, suddenly femininity isn’t your job anymore.  It’s not a requirement.  It’s just a fun hobby you can get into.  Or a little treat sometimes.

[anaalnathrakhs]

the idea that restrooms, locker rooms, etc need to be single-sex spaces in order for women to be safe is patriarchy's way of signalling to men & boys that society doesn't expect them to behave themselves around women. it is directly antifeminist. it would be antifeminist even if trans people did not exist. a feminist society would demand that women should be safe in all spaces even when there are men there.

[anaalnathrakhs]

Kinda nonhuman because mental illness, kinda nonhuman because not being properly socialized as a kid, kinda nonhuman because queer, kinda nonhuman because angry at humanity, kinda nonhuman because longing for the unconditional love of a pet and it’s master, and kinda nonhuman because secret sixth thing.

[anaalnathrakhs]

I also have a fair bit of thoughts about what Benson meant in the Diner and how it was more him talking to himself than explaining to Randy. The way he interrogates Marsha for not doing anything meaningful in her life isn't just a way to tell Randy 'you're wasting your life like she is' as much as it's him finding a purpose for what he is doing in keeping Randy around.

Yeah he wants the company, he doesn't wanna be alone in what he knows is his last day on earth, but also...

Do you think he ever 'did anything' like he means it when he asks Marsha?

Randy being his pet project as he later calls it is his last attempt to do something meaningful. He wants to be able to be important in that way, but I think at the end when Marsha comes around and tells him he's wrong for what he implied, it carries with it a message that... Even if someone else thinks you're not doing anything, you are. The impact you have on people is felt in every ripple that an action or inaction you take causes. It kinda hurts because it makes me think like...

If things had been different. If he and Randy had somehow become friends before he hit his self destruction, that he could have had a beautiful impact and changed Randy's life in a way that wouldn't have also left so many scars, and hadn't ended with him dying. He might not have thought he did anything special in it, but just like Marsha probably had a wonderful impact in her sons lives (the way she glows in excitement at being able to talk about them, even being adults by that point, made me feel like there was a good relationship there between her and her sons) despite Benson thinking she was just a waste of space doing nothing important in a diner for a decade.

[anaalnathrakhs]

I really think Benson fully contemplated killing Randy. I think that while Randy was part of the catalyst for his being pushed over the edge, Benson was ready to kill everyone in that building and then sit at the diner without bothering to clean up the mess in BBB or on himself, and wait for the cops. There was a degree of reason to why he killed everyone, though.

Chris was the last straw on the camels back. Randy's being bullied catalyzed it, but Chris getting right up in Benson's face, touching him, and giving Benson the same attitude Benson wears the rest of the movie ("Dont tell me what I can and cannot do" etc) was what really tipped him over. You can see him think when he smokes, debating if Today is the Day (I also think that it's been a long time coming, a slow burn the way anger and dissatisfaction at ones life can be when you feel locked, trapped, trapped with people, trapped in a town, trapped with trauma) and then he decides it is. Chris gets killed for getting in Bensons face and asserting himself and touching him as much as he gets killed for bullying Randy!

Hardy is killed because while this bullshit happens outside his office, he's in there at 8am watching porn, literally fucking around. Well, thats part of what I Think Bensons animosity is towards Hardy - what he's actually killed for is daring to run.

Jess is killed because she won't fucking stop screaming. She screams and screams and he actively gives her a chance to stop. He shows later on that when he can be given a break from the stimulation of Noise he can stop and think and contemplate - but she doesnt stop. So he has to shut her up and you can HEAR the exasperation in his voice when he kills her. I dont think he really wanted to kill her...

Then there's Randy. He's killed 3 of them, he might not have killed all of them but they gave him no choice (Hardy Ran, Jess Screamed, Chris was the one who was gonna die no matter what) and he has to decide... Is he gonna go all out? Is Randy gonna get it too?

And Randy... Stands there. Terrified. He can't move, he can't make a noise, but it works for him because if he did anything else I do think Benson would've made the impulse choice to kill him, too. Quadruple homicide, glory glory what a wonderful way to die.

But Randy not moving.... it gives him time to think. You can see him sizing up Randy as he reloads his gun, you can see him waiting for Randy to give him a real reason to make him a body... And I think as he does that, he also realizes just how far gone he himself is. That there's no turning back now. Killing one person? Yeah gets you a lot of shit, but you might be able to squirm out of the Worst Case Scenario punishment a la American Justice System... 3 though? Not a chance in hell.

He knows as he stares down Randy with dead eyes that he is a dead man walking - because there's no way in hell he's gonna go to jail and live out a life sentence in there (or be put to death by the State, because Capitol Punishment IS still a thing in Louisiana. But that would be more humiliating to someone like Benson than suicide by cop).

And while I absolutely believe Benson has watched Randy a lot, maybe even grown to resent his passivity, I think the real reason he lets him live is that.

Benson doesn't wanna spend this last day alive on his own.

[anaalnathrakhs]

[anaalnathrakhs]

Congratulations! You are now a Magic-User!!

[anaalnathrakhs]

i feel like they would be tho.

[anaalnathrakhs]

This shit hilarious

[anaalnathrakhs]

Y'all know how I made a post on the guys love languages, well I think I can now say with certainty, Mick's is gift giving.

Evidence:

The mugs he gifted Tommy:

I can't remember where this is from, I believe it's from the dirt but Mick apparently gifted John corabi a really cool electric guitar (I'll reblog this when I remember where it's from lol)

And lastly serianna made a post on her Instagram about how the paint fumes from her new art project was getting to her.

And then just a few days later Mick straight up just buys her an air spray paint gun.

Say it with me now.

Mick loves to gift the people he loves things they love!!!

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk

[anaalnathrakhs]

I have like zero context for the other fandoms that my mutuals are in but it gives me extreme levels of endorphins to just see them having such a good time enjoying those things. Makes me so happy that these things make them happy :)

[anaalnathrakhs]

looks like Tommy is in his catboy era! still wearing the cat ear crochet beanie <333

[anaalnathrakhs]

❤️