anaithya

[anaithya]

Finally it dawned on me that I just want to be proud of me too. I want to be happy for me. And I hope I have the courage and strength to pursue whatever it takes.

[anaithya]

My PIN number to this day is my second grade best friends birthday. There are people I don’t talk to anymore whose families are still in my prayers. There are shirts I wear to bed from exes of 8 years ago who are married now with kids. And I haven’t found a macaroni salad recipe better than my college boyfriend’s mom’s. Our lives are made up of so many people and when people become parts of our lives, some parts remain long after they leave. And in the same exact way, it’s comforting to know there are so many lives you’re still a part of that you have no idea about.

[anaithya]

I feel like something is missing from my life. The thing is, I'm not sure what it is. I do realize I have enough in my plate and so much to be grateful for, yet this feeling stays. It's always there, like a void sitting in the back of my head.

How to search for something I even have yet to know?

[anaithya]

To You, [xx] Years From Now

Hey whenever you feel down remember how you spent your last bits of 25 and first half of 26. Plans went south (well most of the time they won't work). You worked hard but failed anyway. You did your best but it's simply not enough. You got what you specifically didn't ask for.

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong--indeed, so many things went wrong.

Things might seem bleak: You might think that you're not going anywhere; You'll probably find it hard to escape this downward spiral; It might also be hard to find the silver linings. But look at how much you've done! You're crossing the bucket list, one at time. Don't let it negate your efforts! You're still willing to try, despite everything. Sometimes a little surprise will come along the way too, even things that you deemed as impossible. So don't worry! You'll be fine! You've only just begun! Keep walking and trying! Keep walking, don't give up. Carry on. It's not even halfway there yet. Don't be afraid. I'm always rooting for you.

[anaithya]

Journal entry, 8 May 2022

[anaithya]

The sun will rise and we will try again.

I wish I could freeze time and be in this moment forever.

[anaithya]

24 Agustus 2022

Semoga kamu merasa tenang

Semoga kamu merasa cukup

Semoga kamu merasa penuh

[anaithya]

An Ode to 'Everything Everywhere All at Once' by David Gate

[anaithya]

Lagi-lagi dibuat kaget sama jalan hidup. Doa yang gw kira agak halu dan ngasal, omongan sekelebat bener-bener dikabulin sama Tuhan. Tuhan membukakan pintu yang gw kira dikunci buat gw (berani ngetok aja engga). He proved me wrong, memang logika manusia itu ada limitasinya.

I asked for a chance, and He gave me one. Now whether I'm good enough to walk through that door doesn't really matter anymore. If I fail, that's okay, because I believe He'll have better plans for meee.

[anaithya]

Sometimes I feel this inexplicable anger burst out of nowhere.

Is it resentment? Disappointment? Am I upset?

I try to find the right words to name it but nothing seems to fit. Maybe I don't understand it enough to be able to describe it.

But the more I try, the more it grows and grows filling my chest.

Aching. I want to cry. I want to scream. But I can't.

Until it vanishes, all out of the sudden, just like how it pops in the first place.

Then I feel terribly empty.

[anaithya]

I believe there's right time for everything.

There are songs and movies from past years that I only get to listen/watch recently: Taylor Swift's Red (she's a poet), You Are The Apple of My Eye (bawled my eyes out), lots of kdramas and kpop tunes (let's save this one for another post), Cowboy Bebop (LEGEND)... And the list goes on. I wondered why I didn't discover them earlier, but then I realized if I found them back then I might not have experienced enough love and life to be able to appreciate those wonderful works of art like I do now.

There are books that have been sitting in my bookshelf for ages, and for some reasons I never picked them. Or some articles that ended up in my "read-later" for way too long. Then the moment I finally read them, I'm glad because if I read them beforehand l might not be mature or smart enough to understand what the author is writing about.

There are relationships that took quite a long time to bloom, but they all worth the wait. There are courses of life and coincidences that left me puzzled, but in retrospect, everything fell right into place.

And there are... words. Some words that are meant to be heard at the time right when you need the the most. They might not be new, but with the right timing they could give lasting impact. This time, I received them through a heartfelt message from a dear friend. She might wrote them without knowing how much they mean to me, but anyhow I'm glad she did as they gave me the warmth I've been longing and the power I've been looking for to push through.

[anaithya]

notes from #1 counseling

Berkat adanya program kesehatan mental di kantor, gw disponsorin untuk ikut counseling dengan lembaga yang jadi partner kantor. My employer arranged the whole session, and thus, I talked with a clinical psychologist for the first time in my life.

Ada 2 hal menarik yang gw dapatkan dari sesi tersebut.

1. Our feelings do not determine our action

Perasaan--sedih, senang, termotivasi, malas, apapun itu--adalah hal yang tidak permanen. Perasaan itu akan come and go as time goes by, and that's ok. They're valid, and we need to acknowledge them.

Tapi, jangan sampai perasaan kita mengambil kendali bagaimana kita berperilaku. Just because you feel something, doesn't mean you are justified to do as you please. Paling simpel, kalau lagi marah sama seseorang, bukan berarti lo bisa seenaknya nampar orang itu kan? Atau ketika lagi sedih, apakah sehat jika lo menghabiskan waktu untuk rebahan di bawah selimut?

The thing is, we can't control our emotions---they might linger around. But we are in control of our behavior. And instead of letting our behaviors directed by our feelings, harusnya values kita lah yang jadi bahan bakar untuk kita bergerak.

Banyak cara untuk identifikasi values di internet (gw pun baru google it after the session lol), tapi mungkin bisa dimulai dengan bertanya ke diri sendiri: aku ini pengen jadi anak/pekerja/pasangan/[insert peran sosial/aspek hidup lain yang penting buatmu] yang kayak gimana? How I want to be remembered as a person?

Hal ini bisa membantu kita untuk berpikir: apakah yang aku lakukan sekarang ini mendekatkanku dengan valuesku dan tujuan yang ingin aku capai?

The goal is not to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings, but to keep moving despite how we feel.

2. How you talk to yourself matters

Ini a bit personal, tapi di akhir sesi mba psikolong nge-point out bagaimana gw seringggg banget ngomong aku harus gini, aku harus gitu, atau harusnya sih aku blablabla sepanjang sesi.

Mbanya kemudian bertanya, "Emang siapa yang harusin?"

Aku pun terdiam.

Iya juga, ya, siapa yang ngeharusin? Lah kan gw sendiri. Kenapa gw memilih maksa bgt sama diri sendiri?

Punya target itu hal yang baik. Tapiii dengan pola komunikasi gw yang selalu mengharuskan dan nyuruh-nyuruh ke diri sendiri seperti ini, tanpa sadar I've been putting pressures on myself. Ibaratnya kayak terpenjara sama aturan yg gw bikin sendiri wkwk... Kesiksa sendiri juga deh.

Layaknya hubungan dengan orang lain, kita bisa kok memilih cara berkomunikasi dengan lebih baik ke diri kita sendiri. It might not an easy thing to change as it comes from within, but it's worth the try.. Self-compassion is important, karena in the end we only have our own selves..

Gw pun terngiang-ngiang quote dari Oscar Wilde, "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."

Be kind to yourself!

So overall, it was a positive experience :-) I'm still trying to get the sense of myself but yaa afterall it's a journey of a life time, isn't it? #workinprogress

[anaithya]

I've been dreaming of friends I haven't seen in years. Well, I'm not sure if friends is the right word since I've lost contact with most of them, but in my dream we interact and talk as if we're still close to each other.

It made me think about the relationships I've lost. I think of my childhood best friends and some folks from school and college. The people from the past who didn't make it to my present.

How could the ones that used to be an integral part of my days and affect my life in some ways are practically strangers to me now?

Isn't it weird how two person can just drift apart with no particular reason? Nothing happens but life gets in the way and one day it becomes much weirder to even say hello.

The weirdest (and saddest) part is both of them move on with their lives - and it turns out just fine.

[anaithya]

Matt Haig, The Midnight Library

[anaithya]

the trip of 2021

This December I got the chance to pause and slowdown a little bit. I finally took my leave and went on an 8-day trip with my friends. We went to 5 cities, 2 villas, 4 hotels, and multiple destinations within our packed (and rather ambitious) schedule ☺️

I crossed off my to-do-lists and tried out fun stuffs :)

Met lots of people: old friends, friends of friends, guides, locals, etc. After another year of shutting down, networking feels way more fun.

Immersed into many types of water. I loveee water activities. I saw dolphins and snorkeled to pretty corals in Lovina , learned surfing in Batu Bolong (and failed miserably), spent a lazy morning in the villa’s pool, and played in multiple waterfalls (a natural waterboom I could say) in Buleleng.

Had a wholesome day in Ubud: Yoga in a peaceful morning, reading session with a healer, thrilling ATV ride (it was SUPERB), and finished the day with a massage in the middle of nowhere. I’ll definitely stay for more days on my next visit.

Drank more than ever… and found out that I’m a pretty good drinker😉

Ate lots of good food!!! Hats off to Yammie Pathuk, Roso Marem’s Fuyunghai, HTP’s squid w/ thai sauce, and everything in Take Sushi (prolly the best sushi I’ve ever tasted in ma life).

Saw beautiful sunset. To chase my last sunset in Bali, I went to Potato Head only to discover their brand new rooftop bar called Sunset Park. And it was amaaaazing. Good music + good drink + good view = optimum chill. Best me-time of the year.

What I love about this holiday is I finally get to feel the sense of freedom I’ve been yearning for. I’m able to go as I wish and to be as I wish. And it’s very very liberating.

PS: HMU if you want to know more about our itenerary!

[anaithya]

via weheartit

[anaithya]

I struggle with the feeling that my life isn't mine.