analogsystemiiboi

[analogsystemiiboi]

[analogsystemiiboi]

I doubt anyone will ever read this, but as always, I don't care much and I just need to get things off my head and chest.

It's been two years since I started antidepressants. I was already in a relationship for about two years when I started my treatment, and my boyfriend started one too (bc depressed as well). Now, we're not together anymore.

It wasn't really a choice we made, and it also kinda was... We were in a free relationship, but I misunderstood and thought it was ok for polyamory. And it was not. So one of my friend became my sexfriend while I was still with my boyfriend and very much in love with him (and I still am). But here goes the feelings for my sexfriend. I don't think it's reciprocal but on the other hand I didn't ask. I'm afraid to. Because my sexfriend feels like he is responsible for my breakup.

My boyfriend thought I was gonna leave him for my sexfriend y'know, so he gave me an ultimatum : our relationship or whatever kind of relationship I had with my sexfriend. I couldn't choose because my heart wanted them both. Now I only have my sexfriend and he's been kind of avoiding me for a few days.

I had to leave the studio I was sharing with my now ex boyfriend. We just rescued a cat I decided to let him keep. I stay at a friend's now. Far from my other friends, my ex which is now my friend, and my sexfriend.

I feel numb and stupid. I feel like I just ruined everything. If only I could have had them both... But my ex just couldn't handle the situation. And I get it. I get why. He's jealous. But it was his idea when we got together. He told me he wanted a free relationship so that we could both have experiences. Turns out I was the only one having experiences and I think it made him mad or something.

This is messy, I'm sorry if you're reading this nonsense.

Anyway, now I'm single. My inspiration and my creativity are back tho, which is good because I hadn't touch a canvas for about a year. Now I'm back at it. But I broke my own heart by wanting two people in my life. I feel shitty.

[analogsystemiiboi]

[analogsystemiiboi]

So I saw the psychiatrist 3 days ago and then I started antidepressants yesterday + something to help me sleep other than weed and something to prevent me from stressing myself out.

I know it's not supposed to be working for now, it needs like 2 to 3 weeks, but I already have side effects that I really don't need or want...

I don't know if I should wait until my next appointment with the psychiatrist to tell him, and so I'll see if it really is side effects ? Or maybe I should tell the psy-nurse, Idk how you call it in your country. (You know, a nurse that is also a psychologist, you usually see them before going to a psychiatrist. Maybe that's just in France.)

[analogsystemiiboi]

Code Red

[analogsystemiiboi]

[analogsystemiiboi]

ｃｏｕｌｄｎ’ｔ　ｔａｋｅ　ｉｔ

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[analogsystemiiboi]

[analogsystemiiboi]

by claudiaserraima

[analogsystemiiboi]

I can't fucking stand anyone these days. Everyone is so fucking stupid. I mean... Human kind is so disgusting, stupid as fuck and just deserve to fucking die. All of you, even me.

If I could, I wouldn't save the world. Y'all are just so shitty. Fuck all of you.

[analogsystemiiboi]

斉藤　和 天翔る。

[analogsystemiiboi]

[analogsystemiiboi]

Artist: waneella

[analogsystemiiboi]

I'm trying so hard to find my place in this world, but days pass and the more I see the world, the less I want to be a part of it. Human kind disgust me and I disgust myself. When I look at other people all I see are strangers, when I look at myself I'd like to disappear. I feel so out of the world, my chest is empty, there's no light left in my heart, I'm disappointed by pretty much everything and everyone, and I disappoint people because I don't know how this world works. Society is compromised on so many levels, you are judged no matter what you do or say, you're judged on the way you dress and what music you listen to and I am scared of meeting new people. I don't feel entirely safe with my friends anymore, I feel wretched around them and I fear their judgment all the time but it used to be really nice to be around them... but they're all changing. I'm going crazy, trapped in this body, trapped in this messed up world. I'm mad at myself but I'm particularly mad at the rest of the world for not doing anything to make it a better place. True innocent people are dying, animals are dying, the earth is dying and the people able to do something are not moving their asses because they always want more and more money for themselves while other people are struggling to live.

[analogsystemiiboi]

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