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[anangryalien]

Here’s to you, Mom.

You have cancer, it’s treatable, but there’s no denying what it is. I’m hopeful that you’ll be okay, both because the chances of you being alright at the end of this are great, and there isn’t much else to be. But every night since I found out I have cried. It’s because even though I can seem so extremely apathetic sometimes, I’ve always been able to talk to you. I connect so much better with you than I do with Dad. Not to say I don’t love him, but he didn’t teach me tolerance, he didn’t teach me to give everyone a fair chance before forming an opinion, he didn’t teach me to love and be gentle. That was you. That was all you. Thank you. I’ve made great friends because of that. I understand people, and empathize with them much better because of you. 2016 has been a strange and downright bad year. I wish I could say Bowie’s death was the black mark of this year. I wish I could say losing my job was the black mark of this year. I wish I could say that Donald Trump becoming President Elect was the black mark of the year. But the black mark to me for 2016, was coming to the realization that you’re mortal. Realizing that you may be gone far sooner than I’m ready for. That hurts, but it’s what I need to live with. Thank you, Mom. For tolerating me, for caring about me, for listening to me, and for teaching me things that matter much more than just school curriculum. I hope with all my heart that you’re here for a very long time. One day you may even see this. I want you to know just one thing, I do love you.

To everyone else; let your parents know that you love them. Please. And every person you meet, I don’t care if they’re straight, gay, black, hispanic, white, asian, trans, or anything else. Give them a chance. Judge them based on their character. This probably sounds obvious to most of you, but as of recently I think we’ve seen that some people need a reminder.

Have a good night everyone. To all of my friends that happen to see this; I love all of you too. I hope, no matter how feeble it is to, that all of you never have to face what I have in recent days.

<3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsGODTySH0E

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTeKpWp8Psw

[anangryalien]

Oh man oh man

If I'm still this depressed tomorrow you can expect a nice long venting post about how I want to absolutely KILL myself and how you'd never know it if you saw me in person. Have a better night than I am, y'all. ✌

[anangryalien]

Well I'm a Wreck

This has been a bad few days for me. Let me tell you (albeit vaguely) why. The past month or so, I have noticed a decline in my diet. Before I graduated, I weighed between 136-140 pounds on average. Since then, and mostly in the past month, I have lost roughly 8 pounds from simply not feeling the need, or the motivation to eat. An already skinny guy losing 8 pounds in a period of roughly a month is not really anything to scoff at, especially when it's involuntary. I'm starting to get the fear I might have some sort of mild anorexia, but I'm not a doctor and I can't really diagnose that myself. For all I know, this is from the stress I've been enduring. And man the stress. This past weekend alone has been one of the most difficult to get through if my life, alongside when my grandfather died about 5 years ago now. I bawled my eyes out that weekend, and since then I never felt the physical compulsion to cry. It just was never there. I would never tear up, cry, bawl, or anything. I'd feel depressed, but never gave off any physical warning signs of that. Until this past weekend. Four times I absolutely cried my eyes out, first time in the shower, second in bed immediately after, third at a park that has a lot of symbolism to me, and fourth was just a few minutes ago in the shower, again. I won't go into specifics, bit the reason I cried all those times were due to a link to one person, and I thought it would lead to something that I'd already experienced. Complete and total cut of contact. I despise that when it happens abruptly. I'm a person who needs closure or will suffer for months without it. I'm a person who, for an atheist, sees a lot of symbolism in things. This will become relevant in a bit. But I had thought that a total cut of contact was going to occur with someone who I care deeply for, VERY deeply for. After feeling this way, I began to have suicidal thoughts, so I looked up the suicide hotline number. I did not call it, I just cried some more at the mere fact that I was considering it. These were the first and second times. The next day I went to a park that's a bit of a drive away from me, but not too far. It's the same park my parents got married at. I visit that location whenever I get very depressed, and need something to remind me to keep going. At that time, I called this person to see if they blocked my number. Rang twice, then voicemail. I was devastated and cried in my car for a good half hour. People were around and the like but I was at a point where I didn't care. Then I drove to the local mall and parked under the parking garage, and called again. Rang once, voicemail. Again devastated, but now trying to use the left side of my brain, you know, the logic center, to figure out if my number had been blocked at all. Moments after this, I get a text back from the person, just asking for "space". I felt relieved that my number want blocked, and that I had an idea if what it was I needed to do to let this person feel better. Fast forward to today, I go to take a shower, and everything hits me at once. My lack of eating, my insomnia (I didn't mention that before did I), and the possibility I would never have spoken to this person whom I care deeply for again. On my knees, in the shower, full on ugly crying. And I'm in two minds for it, for all of the crying I've been doing. The lesser part is negative about it, that I took what in the grand scheme of things was tiny and let that break me. But the greater part, the greater mind, told me what my limits were emotionally as a person. It told me that I felt better after crying. Especially after a several year period. It told me that I can hit rock bottom, and that rock can fall out from under me and send me deeper, but the chances of that happening again are slim. And that most likely I only have upwards to go. So please, if you're feeling depressed, where you've cried more in one weekend than you have before, or if you've just been feeling awful for yourself. It does get better. That's what I'm starting to realize now. Thank you for reading.

[anangryalien]

[anangryalien]

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wow the new jurassic world looks so good

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im dying squirtle

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where’s that vine with the boston dynamics robot bouncing along to a super blown out Hard In Da Paint/Better Off Alone mashup

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Things are going well, but there's still something missing. That other person to share it with. Nobody actually gives a fuck so I'll go back to shitposting.