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One less portion of my heart

I sat back and watched us drift apart. Something that was so perfect scared you away. We had no fights, we simply had fun. I fell hard for you without you knowing. I took it slow in hopes we would grow.. you claimed you needed self growth and within two months you found someone new.. and as I sit here and watch her make you happier than I ever did I realize telling you I loved you was something good left unsaid. I will love you from a distance. I will pray that you get everything you want in this life. But as for me, I will sit here and watch you walk away with a piece of my heart. It’s not your fault.. you didn’t know. Maybe it’s mine for never telling you. I just hope she makes you as happy as you made me.. because that sure was something. I hope you she realizes just how special you are in so many ways. Maybe later on in life we will meet again, but as for now I will live my days with one less portion of my heart.

[andiebolt16-blog]

““But I just wanted her in my life. I had fallen in love, even if she was still finding her way.” — Randy Pausch”

—

[andiebolt16-blog]

Trauma times 3 -part 2

I sat down and immediately was overwhelmed. Flashbacks. I pictured everything exactly how it was. Even Wendy.. how I felt. What people were wearing. Who sat where. Everything. It was the most traumatizing thing I’ve ever witnessed. And i cried.. so hard. But that day I finally told my self that I understood.. I understand that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to find yourself with time. Don’t rush. It takes time. My heart is far more than just shattered and it forever will be. But days will get easier. And life will go on. I will follow my path and overcome the obstacles in my way. The ones me and Wendy talked about. I will be me. Because Wendy told me it was okay to be. I know she loved me. And she knew I loved her. I’ll never be okay, I’ll just learn to live with it. I have a guardian angel now and I am thankful for her. ❤️

//it’s time to live.

-A. Bolt

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Trauma times 3.

About a month ago, my world came crashing down before I even had the time to realize it.. it all started with a simple phone call.. a call from my dad to my mom.. a butt dial, while having an affair..within minutes a 35 year relationship, a 29 year marriage, a family of 4, fell apart at the seams. This took place at midnight,the beginning of September 13th. As we laid our heads down after our family had fallen apart, we closed our eyes in hopes of better days. 4:22a.m. The time I will never forget. The day I will hate forever. My mom wakes me up.. “I have some bad news..” I immediately sat up.. my first thought was.. “dad committed suicide” but that wasn’t the case at all. At 4:22am I was told the my bestfriend...my “sister”.. my go too... was gone. “We lost Wendy” my mom states. In disbelief I replied “there no way.. she was just here hours ago..” 4:25 am moms phone rings, it’s my brother. States away for school. She asks “are you okay..” I hear him sobbing as he says “no”. I began to drowned myself in my own tears it felt like... how could someone so young be taken without warning. That day.. We lost our precious Wendy to a brain aneurism. But no no.. this is too much right..? A broken family, a loss of someone so special to us.. what else could happen.. the next day, around 10:30 pm.. my brother yells at me get in the car, we have to go. That’s it. That’s all he would say.. he kept checking someone’s location.. I kept asking and he wouldn’t say anything. After 10 mins of speeding towards this location.. we come around a curve.. a truck is crushed. Up side down.. Ben loses it. I start yelling. “ BEN WHO IS IT?” He looks and me and says “it’s Logan”. Logan is my brothers boyfriend he was heading to the house to be there for all of us.. but sometimes roads can be tricky. They can be hard to read. We watched as Logan was airlifted to the nearest trauma center, in critical condition, with massive blood loss, a brain bleed, a crushed face, and more. At midnight I drive Ben two hours to the nearest trauma center and we wait until we finally get news that he is stable and on a ventilator. It’s been two days. All of this has happened in two days. People brought us food. They cleaned our house. They stuck around to hold us together. Funeral day rolls around as we lay Wendy to rest... we sit on the first row and I watch as they close the casket one last time.. I lose it. I’m sobbing. I’m shaking. “She doesn’t even look like her. She doesn’t deserve this. This can’t be happening.” I lost myself. I felt myself leave. I felt my self drowned in my thoughts, in my feelings, in disbelief. It was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. People swarmed me and held me.. trying to hold me together but it was impossible. This couldn’t be real. We left the funeral home and went to grave side where we buried Wendy. As we walk to her grave, it begins to rain.. everyone rushes to the tent or to the nearest umbrella. I stood there. I let it rain on me. I let it drench me. Feeling something so real and “safe” it felt like. After we said bye to Wendy one last time, I noticed the director gave Wendy’s parents an umbrella, as they took it, they kindly folded it down and proceeded to walk in the rain.. and at that moment I knew.. I wasn’t the only one who felt “safe” in the rain. I knew in that moment God sent his real tears because he took a good one. After that day my brother has stayed wrapped up in Logan making sure he’s getting better and after multiple surgeries and other things Logan has finally, a month later been sent home. As for my family.. it’s still broken. My dad doesn’t want to come home. And we all have to get used to that. People ask me all the time how I’m doing.. “I’m okay” being ‘fake happy’ is my response but honestly.. I’m far from okay. And I will be for a long time. I attended another funeral last Saturday. Almost exactly a month from losing Wendy. The funeral was at the same place as Wendy’s.

[andiebolt16-blog]

Nightmare

The aching, the burning sensation in your skin, your hands…their clammy, you’re sweating more than usual, your hair.. it’s falling out of your head as if it was never attached. This nightmare..it’s the curse brought on by sickness that no one asked for, it’s a silent cry for help that only the inside of my body can hear. The fear of this nightmare is that it’ll kill me faster than the actual sickness will. I can feel it I can feel it tearing apart my body where it isn’t needed. I can feel it, aggravating my immune system because it’s not supposed to be here. My immune system screaming “GET OUT” but it refuses. My friends, my family, they scream at me.. “WHY DID YOU STOP TREATMENT” I will again respond because treatment is a nightmare tearing me at the seams. It’s a chemical suicide that only I feel. Not you. I do. No one gets to go through what I do. None of you will ever understand how I feel or what A toll this nightmare you call treatment does to me. Why let something kill me faster than this sickness I have already is. If you’re gonna be there for me, be there. But this is my nightmare and I will handle it in my own way. So please try and understand before you become a night mare as well.

// this nightmare belongs to me, I will crush it on my own.

-bolt

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Daze

I catch myself in a daze.. thinking of you, your every flaw, the flaws that don’t touch your perfections. Those eyes.. put me in a daze every time. Your smile.. please snap me back to reality because this is to good to be true. Something so real. Something so connecting. Something so mesmerizing. That something is you. You’re that moment of peace. You’re the one that makes me feel higher than any mountain. The one that is my second of peace as I pass under a bridge in a thunderstorm. You are that tingling feeling at the end of my finger tips every time I slowly touch your face. You’re the one that holds me and keeps me from falling apart. And the funny thing is.. you care. More than anyone ever has … in such a short period of time. You… every little aspect of you. You put me in a daze because you can not be real. You are too good to be true. But you are mine. You are my ray of sunshine. You are the reason for my smile that you love so unconditionally. You are more than just a daze.. you are everything. You are my safe place where I know my secrets will forever be safe. You are the moon looking down on me as I drive through the night thinking of you. You are my paintbrush. I am your canvas, so paint with me.. our journey that has just begun but is far from over. Put me in a daze, put me in a world that can’t be real, put me close to your heart and don’t break me. That’s all I ask of you, my dear.

// dazed and confused because you are so good to me.

-bolt

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What is this?

I have feelings.. feelings I think about and feelings that I actually feel.. but what is this? I can't put it into words. The past couple of days, even weeks have been full of wreck-less emotions building a wall in me because I'm too scared to figure out what they are. Seeing you, wanting you to say "baby, let's go home" but knowing that doesn't exist anymore. Finding people, giving them chances, but they just don't have what I'm looking for. Remaining friends is best for us and I know that and I am content. For I am not what you're looking for. But I'm not looking for love anymore. I'm gonna let it find me. You can't control your feelings but you can control your happiness. I honestly don't know where I'm going with this because I can't process my thoughts into words. Maybe I'm just venting.. maybe I'm just looking for help. What am I doing. What is it that that I'm looking for. Answers... I need them. I want them. But does anyone really understand. It's hard. Waking up every day and wondering what your day has in store for you and wondering if certain people have a part in it. It sucks not knowing your future but chasing the outcome is a rush. But the question still remains... what is it. //what is it, what will it become, what does it mean. -bolt

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Anywhere but here

I lay in my bed every night knowing that this isn't where I should be. I have thoughts.. temporary thoughts running through my head of better things. I don't belong here. This little town.. full of judgmental people. It's not suitable for people like me. I want to be anywhere but here. Taking on a big city. Traveling. Because anywhere but here would feel more like home. Because being here.. hiding a fraction of my life and not being able to be myself... this isn't home. Home is where everything is safe. Where you find love And when you're truly happy. Finding that place will be hard and it's going to take a lot of chances to get there but life will eventually carry me home. And home is anywhere but here. //home is non-existent -bolt

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Stars

They’re the most beautiful thing you could lay your eyes on. They light up the darkness. They show you where you need to be. You talk to them as if they can talk back. They hold your deepest secrets. They make you happy. They hold your dreams. As you walk into the darkness under the stars, they light the way.

Stars

Man.. you share them. You hold them in your heart. You treasure them. You watch them in the sky as they sparkle into the night.

Me and you?

We’re tied together in the stars. Because to me, you are a star, you are a dream come true. You keep me safe. You hold my secrets. You make me happy. I wished so hard for you. That one day you’d come across my path. That one day you’d find color in a shade of gray. That you’d find my love in a drop of rain. That you would realized I was the girl for you. I don’t know what changed your mind. I don’t know what goes through your head when you think of me or see me. But I pray that it’s good things. Because I’m here to tell you, now that you have me, now that I have you. Only the stars know where we are going. While we are miles apart, we are together in the stars. Although my love for the stars is endless, it’s doesn’t touch the love I have for you, my dear.

// you, me, and the stars.

-bolt

[andiebolt16-blog]

Time

We all have it. We all chose what we want to do with it. Do we waste it? In the time you have to make the choices you do, do you waste it? Do you make the wrong choice and waste your time, where as if you made a different choice, would it have been wasted? We go about our lives day by day as if we know what we are doing with the time we have. Have you ever wondered about the timing of situations, like maybe if I wouldn’t have forgotten my card I wouldn’t have gotten a speeding ticket or what if I didn’t change my shoes before I left, that could’ve been me hit by that drunk driver. Time is crazy. Time is everything. How you spend it. How you deal with it. It changes everything. Every situation deals with time. Your life is time. Your job is time. So are you wasting it? Are you living it? Are you using it wisely? Time is precious. Be careful what you do with it. -time is running out.

[andiebolt16-blog]

They don't get it

You. Every aspect of you. Every wonderful flaw you have. The dimples you get when you get tickled and begin to laugh. The way you write. How creative you are. How all of your own words flow, they flow from your mind as if you don’t even have to try. It’s a wonderful thing. Reading your work. Getting to try and piece you together by your thoughts. I hate working puzzles, but I’d work yours for a lifetime if I even had the choice. They don’t get what they’re dealing with. How lucky they are to be able to even have you as more. They don’t get how precious what they have is. A true masterpiece. That’s what you are. You deserve someone who understands you. Someone that is there every step of the way. That wants your dreams as badly as you do. Not for themselves but for you. Because seeing you happy is all they could ever imagine. They have no idea what they’re dealing with. You. You could be a revolution. I see it in you. I see all of you. I see you from my eyes, my perspective, if I had one wish, it would be for you to see yourself through my eyes. To hear every wonderful thought I have of you. You go about your day as if you’re just another human. But you’re not. You’re so much more than that. They don’t get it. Your soul. Man. How beautiful it is. They don’t get that what they have, what they actually have the privilege of having, is something that someone else is dying to have. Patiently waiting for maybe one chance. I hate fighting. I hate fighting for myself even. But I don’t mind fighting for you. Because you are worthy. You are worthy of the sun, the moon, and all of the stars. You are worthy of love. Everlasting love. Everlasting happiness. You don’t see what I see. They don’t see what I see. They don’t get you like I do. They don’t look at you the way I do. Because when I look at you, I see this girl. This girl that loves to write. I see a girl who would give up everything to make me heal myself. I see a girl who just wants me to love myself while I’m to busy loving her. Loving someone I can’t have. I didn’t want to fight this fight again. It was too much the first time. But the first time I didn’t have you. Hell I don’t even have you this time. But knowing you. That makes me want to fight. Because who would want to leave a world with you in it. You are bigger than this world. You are bigger than your burdens. You are bigger than your troubles. You are you. And nothing can ever take that from you. I just hope they treasure you. Because treasure is what you truly are. They don’t get it. They don’t understand it. They don’t realize that what they have.. is one of the greatest things to ever enter my world. You are an overwhelming wind, pushing me to do better, to fight my battle, to finish and become strong, a wild flower in a fields of weeds, just to show how beautiful you truly are, inside and out. I hope one day they get it.

//you are my only hope -bolt

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Happiness vs. Fear

Happiness.. it's a big word that's so full of meaning. It's a word you cradle in your hands because it is so fragile. The fear that any second now someone is going to take that happiness from you. It's fragile. Happiness.. it's loving someone unconditionally. It's being happy for the one you love even if they don't love you back. Because seeing them happy.. that's your happiness. It's smiling and lending a hand to a patient who just doesn't think they can do it alone. Happiness is following your heart, even if life takes a detour. Following your dreams... making it, in this world of chaos. Happiness. You battle it. Battle it with what? Fear. But why? Because not everything falls into place like you want it too. Fear is a terrible thing. But it builds you. It makes you learn lessons that you didn't even know were there. You know most people have a fear of finding happiness because it's been ripped from them so many times. A fear of feeling lost, hopeless, like you weren't enough. Like nothing you could have ever done would have made a difference. Or what if you would've done this differently..but see. Life has a funny way of getting you to where you need to be, so maybe you're living in fear of a few things right now, but you will, everyone will eventually find happiness. // Happiness is bigger than fear, happiness always wins. -bolt

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Battles

Welcome to your life. Everything you say, do, believe in, will be a battle. Maybe not a hard one. Sometimes they can be easy. Battles, everyone has them, you have the ones you tell people about and the ones you keep to yourself. Depending on who you are as a person.. actually no. Scratch that. Everyone is equal. We all have different lives that we live but all bleed read so you, yes you, the one reading this.. when it comes down to it. We're the same. We just have different battles. Different out looks on life. Let me tell you.. whether you're 17 being diagnosed with cancer for the first time or you're 20 being diagnosed for the second time.. your battle.. it's yours and you fight it. Battles.. they don't have to just be sickness. They can be loving someone who doesn't love you back. And let me tell you. Everyone has that battle Atleast once. But it's okay. I'll continue on to that in another text. My point is. Me and you. We am be the same. We are the same. We learn from things. We get knocked down and we get back and we live life. Better than what we were yesterday because these battles that we have.. we learn from them. The battles that we have.. make us stronger. They build us up and keep us going reminding us that there are better days. So don't give up because you think you've hit rock bottom. Because if you ever do, the only place you can go is up. And you push yourself. Push yourself to be the best you can be. Why? Because no one else is going to be you, except you! So why be anything less than great? Why not be the best you can be. Be shameless. Battle. Battle your heart out until you have nothing left because at the end of the day, you know you did everything you could to be who you are. Who you are.. there is nothing greater. Who you are.... battle to be who you are. //battle because no one else can take your place in this world we call home. -bolt