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(a few hours late) Birthday Post!

AUGUST 18, 2017

I just turned 20, and this one’s by far, the best birthday surprise I’ve ever received. Okay let me be honest here; I was expecting a birthday surprise from my friends (cause they’ve been doing it for the past 3 years, and I’m an assuming hoe so) but man, what I got was waaaaay better than what I’ve imagined. LIKE WOW LOOK AT THIS:

OKAY LET’S BACKTRACK A BIT. Today’s ORIGINAL plan was: - Go out and see a movie with CJ, probably eat somewhere, then buy my sister a birthday gift. That was the plan, nothing really special cause I was gonna have a celebration the following day (which is today, YAY!). So yeah the movie was the only thing I was looking forward to the whole day. BUT DUDE LOOK WHAT I GOT!!! Little did I know, CJ has already got the day all planned out. All his gifts were stowed in Remsie’s trunk; WE WERE DRIVING AROUND AND I LEGIT HAD NO IDEA THAT THE TRUNK WAS LOADED HAHAHA

Anyway, Remsie stopped the car at this particular spot where you could have an amazing view of the skyline. It was breathtakingly beautiful; no words could encapsulate it to form an image. (Though I personally described the view as “It’s as if the stars got plucked out of the sky and poured down all over the floor” HAHA) The view left me speechless, it literally looked like the floor has been covered by a blanket of stars!! Anyway...

Perfect by Ed Sheeran started playing on the stereo!! (ok i know it’s cheesy and corny and all that but dude i swear if u were in my position ur heart would go boomboomboom too!) That’s when my mind started panicking like “OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT” HAHAHHAHA For those who know me, I ABSOLUTELY HATE SURPRISES CAUSE MY MIND GOES BLANK AND I PANIC AND I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO REACT, LIKE DO I CRY?? DO I SCREAM?? DO I SMILE?? DO I SAY THANKS???? CHAFEEL ME???? Ok moving on!!

They told me to get out of the car and I still got heart eyes towards the view huhu and theeeen TADA THEY LED ME TO THE TRUNK AND I SAW THE SURPRISE :((((

I backed away from the car, and started going in crazy circles cause my heart just couldn’t take it. It was amazing (congrats, the surprise was a success!) and again, I got speechless! I mean me? Chatterbox Andie got speechless? WOW RIGHT? HAHA

----- And the rest was history.

To Remsie and Amiel,

Thank you. You two were awesome accomplices. I had zero idea about this surprise. I’m beyond grateful to have you two in my life; you’re both blessings to me. I will always be the Lily to your Robin-Ted story. Thank you for giving me an amazing and unforgettable birthday!

To the guy behind this cheesy and corny (yet very heartwarming) surprise, CJ,

You’ll get your separate blog post. You earned it. It’ll be legen-wait for it-dary! Just kidding. It won’t be. It’ll be just a typical post. Kidding again. Or am I? HEHE PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE BOI!! Thank you for today!

Today’s events made me realize how lucky I am to be surrounded by the people who actually love me for me. For that, I am beyond grateful. Here’s to being alive for 2 decades, and for another year to live!! Happy birthday, Andie!

[andiestartstowrite-blog]

Today, I will write you my final letter. I’ve been dreaming about you every night this week, and it’s too much for me. I have to let you go. You are no longer mine to keep; you are now hers. For that, I deserve to write you my final letter. I promise to do my best to stop thinking about you, to stop writing you letters that I will never send, to stop thinking about things that make me sad, to stop making my world revolve around you. I promise to help myself and I know I can be happy, and that I can stand alone. I’m not saying you’re using another person to move on, I understand that it’s your coping mechanism and I don’t have anything against that. My point is, I have to get through this alone, and I have to make myself whole again without asking for any guy’s help. No one deserves to pick up the pieces you left; if I were to be whole again, it has to be because of my own efforts. I will be okay after this. The sun will not stop shining just because you and I are over. I will be okay. I will be okay.

[andiestartstowrite-blog]

Been feeling nothing but blue, I'm not kidding when I say I really, really miss you. I wish I'm just kidding. I wish I'm not serious. I wish these feelings would just go away since you're so far from me now. I miss hearing and seeing you play the guitar, one of the many things you're really great at. I miss everything about you. I know you're happy now, but let me just cling onto the tiniest hope I have left. Come back to me when you can, babe. I love you, forever. P.S.: My thoughts are a mess and I wish you were still here to straighten me out. I love you babe.

[andiestartstowrite-blog]

-- Milk and Honey, Rupi Kaur One of the many reasons why I can't sleep at night. P.S.: Still in love with you.

[andiestartstowrite-blog]

Hi, baby. Wow. Sobrang miss ko na ‘to sabihin. Sobrang miss ko na itawag sa’yo yan. Baby. Baby. Baby. Sobrang miss na pala kita. It’s been 2 months since we broke up but it still feels like yesterday. It still hurts like hell. AND IT SUCKS.

Hayaan mo lang sana ako magsulat dito.

Hi, bb! Kumusta ka na? Nakakatulog ka ba ng maayos? Nakakakain ka ba ng mabuti? How’s school? I heard finals mo na. Good luck bb, galingan mo! Alam mo ba, sobrang miss na kita kausap. Sobrang miss ko na na ikaw yung taong unang nakaka-alam sa lahat ng nangyayari sa life ko. Miss ko na na ikaw yung una at nag-iisang taong kausap ko paggising ko, and huling boses na maririnig ko bago ako makatulog. Miss ko na yung kakulitan mo na “BABYYY I MISS YOU” in the middle of the day. Miss ko na yung good morning messages mo na sobrang hyper, yung i-uupdate mo ako sa mga nangyayari sa’yo sa dorm. Ang hirap pala na isang taon mo akong sinanay na ganung set-up tas mawawala. Hindi kita sinisisi, please don’t get me wrong. Naaalala ko lang talaga lahat.

Alam mo baby, ikaw yung taong hindi mahirap mahalin pero sobrang hirap kalimutan. Ikaw yung taong hindi mahirap magustuhan pero sobrang hirap mag-move on from. Ang hirap na nasa’yo na yung lahat (Daniel Padilla voice HAHA) pero pinakawalan ko pa.

Bago ako matulog, lagi ko naiisip ‘Pano kaya kung nilaban ko pa? Pano kaya kung di ako bumitaw? Pano kaya kung hindi ko hinayaang mawala sakin yung mundo ko?’ tas syempre, ending nun magsisisi lang ako tas iiyak. Ang gulo ko nga eh. Ayoko na masaktan pero di ko mapigilan na di ka isipin.

Baby, naiisip mo pa rin ba ako? Sa isang araw, kahit isang saglit lang, dumadaan din ba ko sa isip mo? Naisiksik mo din ba ko sa busy schedule mo? Yung tipong isang saglit lang na maisip mo, “Kumusta na kaya si Andie?” Hilingin ko man na sana naiisip mo din ako, tingin ko wala na talaga. Alam kong masaya ka kung nasan ka ngayon, kilala kita eh. Hindi ka mag-eeffort sa bagay na hindi mo naman ikaka-saya. And to see you making an effort toward the new people in your life? That’s something.

Sobrang miss na kita. Sana kahit magkalayo tayo, maramdaman mo pa rin na walang araw na hindi kita nami-miss. Hindi na nga ako makakinig sa John Mayer songs without thinking of you. Araw-araw ko pa rin binabasa yung handwritten letters mo sakin, in a way nararamdaman ko na kasama pa rin kita. Babe hindi mo lang alam pero sobrang affected pa rin ako.

Ayun lang, kailangan ko talaga ilabas to, I’m sorry. Good luck sa finals, bb kong mahilig sa sinigang!!! Galingan mo po.

I love you always.

P.S.: I haven’t stopped wishing, baby. Please come back to me when you can. I love you. Forever.

[andiestartstowrite-blog]

[andiestartstowrite-blog]

Still Haunting Me

It’s so weird. I had quite a difficult time in school today cause you were in my head all day. I don’t want to think about you anymore. I wanna stop thinking about you, I really really really do. But I can’t. And I hate that I can’t.

Funny how I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and a picture of Mapua popped up. Wanna know what the catch is? I was listening to a random playlist and Free Falling by John Mayer suddenly played. Picture of Mapua + John Mayer in the background? IT’S SO WEIRD.

I hate how you’re still haunting every inch of me. I hope this all goes away the way everything we had went away. Stay happy, Jay.

You were once my home but I know you’re someone else’s now.

[andiestartstowrite-blog]

All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye

It's really over. This time, it's real. It's scary to imagine the world without you in it but I have to keep on moving forward. I'm happy to see you happy. I'm happy to see you grow; and that is all I ever want. I hope you know that from now on, I'll start helping myself. I'll start to manage these emotions that I have for you. I've deleted traces of you from my phone; your texts, your messages, your photos, and all else. My healing will start now. Jay, thank you. Thank you for an amazing year. I will never regret spending so much time and effort on you because you were worth it, you are worth it. Thank you. Yours always, The girl who loves you more than she loves herself P.S.: I will now become the girl who loved you more than she loved herself.

[andiestartstowrite-blog]

Paradox

Funny how one word from you can either make or break my day. Half of me wants to see you but the other half of me is so scared to see you getting better while I’m still stuck in one spot. Don’t get me wrong, your happiness and growth is all I ever want; it just sucks so bad that I won’t be there to see and make you happy anymore. It’s no longer my job to keep you happy and cheer you up. I know it’s my fault, and I don’t blame you for any of this. I just hope you know that I’m trying to help myself get better, and be better.

I love you, still. Always have, always will.

[andiestartstowrite-blog]

Wala nang tatanggap, Wala nang babalik.

7:07 pm Silent Sanctuary playlist

Ano nang nangyari satin? Bakit ba tayo nagkaganito? Hindi ko matanggap, this time around, kasalanan ko. Kasalanan ko bakit ka tuluyang nawala sa'kin. Ang tanga tanga ko, bakit ganun? Nasa'kin na, pinakawalan ko pa. Tinanggap mo na ko ulit, sinayang ko pa. Bakit ba ako ganito?

Sabi nga nila, pag mahal mo, uunahin mo. Bakit di ko nagawa yun? Simpleng bagay na huwag ka pabayaan, yun na lang kailangan kong gawin di ko pa nagawa. Ang tanga ko, sobrang tanga. Pinaabot na naman kita sa point na naramadaman mo na nagsisisi ka kasi ako pa minahal mo. Nagsisisi ka na sa dinami-daming babae na nandiyan, ako pa pinili mo. Pinagsisihan mo na ko. Ang sakit sakit pala, sobra.

Every time naririnig ko yung Pasensya Ka Na by Silent Sanctuary, di ko mapigilan na di ka maisip, na di na lang maiyak. Nararamdaman ko na yung lyrics nun ay yung words na nafe-feel mo. Bakit kita hinayaan? Bakit kita hinayaan lumakad papalayo? Bakit inuna ko pa 'tong pride ko, bakit mas pinili ko na huwag magpatalo kesa lambingin ka and makipag-ayos? Bakit ba ako ganito? Yun na lang lagi kong tinatanong sa sarili ko, bakit ba ako ganito?

Bakit ba ang hirap kong mahalin? Bakit ba nakakapagod akong mahalin? Bakit ba nasasagad yung mga tao sakin? Ano bang mali sakin? Yung nag-iisang tao na nakita kong mamahalin ko habang-buhay, nawala pa sakin. Pinakawalan ko. Hinayaan ko. Napuno sakin. Bakit ba ako ganito?

Gustuhin ko mang ipilit sa tadhana na ibalik kung ano yung meron tayo dati, mahirap na atang magpumilit sa mga bagay na wala na talaga. Bumigay ka na, and hindi kita masisi dun. Kung ako rin naman, mapapagod din ako makipag-deal sa isang tao na tulad ko. This one's a shot to the moon, pero sana tayo na lang ulit. Iba pa rin pala talaga yung buhay na wala ka. Mahirap yung buhay na 'to. Ayoko nito.

Tama na muna siguro. Kung nagbabasa ka pa dito, sana malaman mo na mahal na mahal pa rin kta. Sana mapatawad mo pa ko sa mga nangyari, pero kung hindi na talaga naiintindihan ko naman. Lagi kang mag-iingat and huwag mong pabayaan yung sarili mo (the way na pinabayaan kita). Maghihintay lang ako dito. I love you, forever.

[andiestartstowrite-blog]

I saw you again, and every part of me wished that time would stand still so I’d never have to let you go ever again. I missed you terribly. I didn’t miss you because I was lonely, and I didn’t miss you because I was tired of not talking to anyone. I missed you because you were my Jay. I missed you because you were my person. I missed you because out of all the people in this vast universe, you were the only one whose arms I’d run into during my worst days. I missed you because you were the only one whom I envisioned myself being with, for the rest of my life. You were (and still is) my home.

 I’m not a fan of superlatives but with you, it has always been extremes. And my love for you has and will always be at its extreme.

You can be mad in the morning I'll take back what I said Just don't leave me alone here It's cold, baby Come back to bed

P.S.:  I’ll just stay here, I’m not going anywhere.

[andiestartstowrite-blog]

How Long Will I Love You

Man, I love this song. Never fails to make me cry like a little baby. How Long Will I Love You by Ellie Goulding (check it out if you wanna cry n stuff)

How long will I love you? As long as stars are above you And longer, if I can. 

How long will I need you? As long as the seasons need to Follow their plan. How long will I be with you? As long as the sea is bound to Wash upon the sand. How long will I want you? As long as you want me to And longer by far.

How long will I hold you? As long as your father told you, As long as you can. How long will I give to you? As long as I live through you However long you say. How long will I love you? As long as stars are above you And longer, if I may. 

--------

Tell me, how long will I love you, need you, want you? Cause I still do. I’m so fucked.

[andiestartstowrite-blog]

HOW MUCH LOVE IS TOO MUCH LOVE?

“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.” - Ernest Hemingway Artwork: Aleksandra Waliszewska Is there such thing as “too much love”? If there is, then I’m sure I’ve been there. I loved him more than I’ve ever loved another human being, heck I loved him more than I loved myself. And I don’t regret a single bit of that. He deserved my heart, he deserved everything I gave to him, and I gave everything I could. He deserved everything and more, and he didn’t deserve a half-assed relationship. He was special, he was everything that I could ever want. But I guess the world just doesn’t work that way. You can’t exactly have everything that you want, can you? Cause if you could, we’d still be together till now. Some days are so terrible, I still miss him. I keep on missing him. Every fucking day. Even if I absolutely have no right to. Like he told me before, I have no right anymore cause I left. And it still hurts. I hate it, but I don’t hate him. I can never hate him. I know he thinks that I just made a choice, the choice of not being with him. But relationships don’t work that way, it just can’t run on love alone. Relationships should have trust & support, and I guess we didn’t have much of that. Maybe in another life, yeah? I lost myself in the process of loving him, and now I think it’s time for me to pick up whatever pieces are left, and at least try to rebuild what was broken. *cries*

I loved him more than anything in this universe. I still love him, after everything.

[andiestartstowrite-blog]

The playlist you made for me, a.k.a the playlist that’s helping me get through life right now. Thank you for this.

[andiestartstowrite-blog]

I still think about you.

It’s been a while since we talked. Almost a month now, actually. Not that I’m counting, mind you. (Who am I kidding though?) Anyway, hey. I still think about you. How are you holding up? Are you doing better than the last time we saw each other? I genuinely hope that you’re doing well. 

I hate this though, I hate what’s happening to us. I hate what you did to me, I hate what I’ve done to you, I hate all the roadblocks that we’ve encountered. I’m a mess, look at me. You know how insecure I am about the way I write and express my feelings, but you see, I made a blog. I don’t know, I need an outlet. 

I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m sad, I’m sad, I’m just sad all the time. And I know the people around me are getting drained cause of my sadness, so I need this. I need to release whatever’s pent up inside me, or else I’ll explode. You, of all people, know that I couldn’t keep most shit to myself. That was one of the many things you despised about me, right?

I changed myself though, and it was mostly for you. I also did it for myself, cause I believed that you were the one God sent to bring out the best in me. And yeah, you did. You did bring out the best in me. But all in all, I did it for you. I did everything for you, damn it I did everything I could. Why wasn’t I enough?

From now on, I’m gonna dump everything I feel here. A part of me is wishing you’d come across this personal blog of mine, but I think that’s too long of a shot. Would you care if you did stumble upon this page? Man, I have a million questions swirling in my head right now.

Anyway, that’s it for tonight I guess. Trial post, maybe? I’ll write better next time, hopefully.

I miss and love you, still.