andiwatchyourlifeinpictures - Tumblr blog

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

"At least I stayed!" she said,

those words stung me like fire on skin

I wanted to scream, to shout

but the words remained in my mouth

"it was your job", I wanted to say

but all I could do was stand still,

tears falling from my eyes,

rage coursing through my veins.

"At least I stayed!" she said,

and that was the least she ever did

putting every single thing above me

but expecting the world from me

tell me, what should a child do

when all her life she has been told to

not talk back when she's defending herself

and not weigh in her opinion

for she might look over smart

and the other, a fool.

as I stood there listening

to all the little things I did wrong

because mistakes can be made by everyone

but never me. you said I never understood

the condition we were living in,

the condition that you created, in the first place.

you said all I cared about were my friends

but you failed to grasp that they were there

when I had thoughts of putting a stop right here.

if there's one thing I know for sure

it's that I won't pay the price

for the crimes you've committed

and I would build myself a life

that you couldn't ever give me.

~A

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

i'm a selfish person but my god when it comes to you.

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

i can't tell you i miss you anymore. those three words feel like the heaviest to pass on so i just carry them with me. i can't tell you i miss you anymore so I've been rewatching the big bang theory but all it does it make me want to tell you how much it reminds me of you. so instead i just cry at the scenes that make my heart hurt a little too much and try to let it go.

i can't bring myself to tell you all the things that are going on with me because these days i have nothing good to share. i am tired of being the bearer of bad news, you're tired of giving the same responses everytime. I'm waiting, waiting till i can share something that elicits a new response, or a response at the very least.

i play cruel summer on the maximum volume and scream the line "and if i bleed you'll be the last to know" so hard, my lungs try to catch a breath they cannot afford to. for I'd rather bleed myself dry than ask you for yet another band aid.

i thought you had changed me for the better, but now i feel like i changed you for the worse. if that is true then i don't know how to live with it and so i don't tell you i miss you anymore.

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

come back...be here :(

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

c'mon bro, stop it dude. stop explaining stuff so softly while looking into my eyes. you're being extremely hot right now. stop it.

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

BHAISAHAB WHEN IS IT MY TURN TO SLOW DANCE AT 2 AM WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE??????

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

listen, i know my friends love me. or at least, i think i know. but a part of me will always, always think that they'll stop loving me once they find someone better. or maybe they'll love that person better. because you know it, and i know it - there's always going to be someone better than you. better at taking care of them, better at expressing emotions, better at Mario kart, better at comebacks, better at being effortlessly gorgeous. and when that someone better comes along, they're going to realise that what I'm giving them is less, or better yet, nothing compared to what that person is giving them. and let's be honest here, i don't have that much to give in the first place. and so the texts are replied late to, the video calls aren't answered, the "hey i missed you, what's new with you"s turn into oh's and well's and right's. the saddest thing of all is, it's the natural way of life. for someone to leave, for someone to forget and for someone to not care. but it's just so hard to take it in, especially when you're scared to be lonely. because lonely wasn't even a word you associated with till recently.

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

extremely popular tumblr text posts that haunt me as phrases and often ring in my ears:

well i hope that cruel angel got into grad school

mr. sandman, man me a sand

every day i drink my silly little coffee and god eats my heart like a pomegranate in front of me

i am typing with russian accent

i have two head “cannons” … they’re called my nostrils

boom clap the sound of my horse

[picture of a soggy disgruntled cat snarling] that’s right! ‘Twas i that set the mansion ablaze!

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

everyone around me is finding love like coins in a backpocket. everyone around me has someone to love and someone who loves them back. I've never once in my life experienced romantic love and I've always convinced myself that it's okay, that it's alright. but i also want to come in my kitchen and have someone be hungry for me. i want to be the one about whom the poems are written, not the one who always writes them. i want to be the one he thinks of when he sees the sun rise every morning. i just want to be held and kissed goddamnit.

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

talking to friends in different time zones is absolutely bananas youre just waking up i havent gone to bed CRAZY!!!!!1!!!! Wats next a 450 million year old fossil found in ontario

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

I lost my best friend 3 years ago- not lost as in dead but lost as in we only text each other on our birthdays now. Movies and books don't tell you that a friendship dying is like the sinking of a ship, you try to get higher and higher and hold onto the rails and unanswered texts, the captain tries to steer it to safety and salvage pieces of two broken hearts until you're left with memories of what once was. We were friends for a decade and knew each other's diaries by heart, I still remember her phone number and the way she took her coffee. Seeing her in streets is like breathing in a scent you forgot you knew but it immediately takes you back to a summer in '07.

Movies and books also don't tell you that friendships don't just end after one fight or incident, it's like the rusting of a bridge, the slow decay of flesh and bones and secrets. It took weeks, months- until one day I woke up and I realized I hadn't thought of her in a while. And I wrote a poem that day and I titled it 'The dying of a best friend' and I put all my love for her in a tiny box with my half of the matching pendant of a dolphin we had and stored them in a corner of my heart under the heading Grief. Where else can one hide unspent love?

It's been 3 years since I lost my best friend, lost as in I still carry our secrets in a tiny box but we only text each other on our birthdays.

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire

Edit: here's the visualizer for this piece

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

On Rage

she asks me why do i have rage in my eyes, i want to tell her that it's not just in my eyes, it's everywhere. i want to tell her it courses through my veins making my blood boil. i want to ask her to love me, but only from a distance.

she tells me the rage in my eyes is just like my father's. i want to tell her that it's not. i want to tell her it's not like him, it's for him. i want to tell myself it's for him, because hating him is so much easier. after all, i am my father's daughter.

she tells me the rage in my body is like hers sometimes. i want to tell her it's all i feel. i want to tell her she put that rage in me. i want to be able to talk to her without the rage coming out of my eyes. after all, i am my mother's daughter.

i stand in front of the mirror to look my rage in the eye, but all i see is grief staring right back at me. so when the next time she asks me why i have rage in my eyes, i tell her i don't.

~A

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

this is how I feel. i cannot help it, neither can you. i might get over it, or I might not. but there's nothing that you can do about it. it's just how it is.

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

you signed up for this; maisie peters // 20 something; sza // @holly-warbs// what’s my age again?; blink-182 // camden; gracie abrams // class of 2013; mitski // memento mori; welder wings // 27 club; raleigh ritchie // being 20/30 something @slow-rains 

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

seeing someone absolutely collapse due to love or lack thereof is one of the worst things to ever experience because in the matters of heart there's nothing you can do because you either don't love or you do.

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

"If God wanted me to give you up, he wouldn't have made me who I am."

Sally Rooney- Beautiful World, Where Are You

[andiwatchyourlifeinpictures]

one of the biggest problems of society nowadays is that i am so so sleepy