#coping with grief

[theonevoice]

Evidently I like to keep breaking my own heart, but you know, I don't think Crowley was about to say:

"And I would like to spent the rest of my life with you."

If you skip the "I mean, the last few years not really" parenthesis, I believe his full confession/proposal was going to be:

"We're a team, a group. Group of the two of us. And we've spent our existence pretending that we arent. [...] And I would like to spend it not pretending anymore."

And that's because he had prepared his little speach before Aziraphale came back, he had rehearsed it in his mind, taking their togetherness for granted. They had always been together, they had already spent their lives together and they were surely going to spend them together anyway forever.

Being together was not the point, because not being together was simply unthinkable. The point was stop pretending and finally become "an us" - openly, honestly, fully. The possibility of being separated never crossed his mind, it would not make sense for him to ask Aziraphale to be together, it would imply the existence of a reality in which they are not.

So when he pushed through and decided to say what he was going to say, he got to that part and the realization started to creep in that he might actually have been too much of an optimist. The possibility of them not being together did exist, it was coming into existence in that very moment, in front of his eyes, making the "stop pretending" part suddenly incongruous. And all the rest of his speach fell apart.

Now the point was "are you going away?", "what about us if you go?", "what is happening?", "why is this happening?", "how can this be happening?". Now the important thing that needed to be said was "let's be together, if you don't feel like stop pretending because it's dangerous then we can run off somewhere, far from Heaven and Hell and their threats, but just please let's stick together."

That's, I think, why he chocked on his words.

He was ready to take a little step forward, and he found himself falling a thousand steps backwards.

[nmolesofadrenaline]

[interjace]

[robinlost]

It’s strange

To think

About a

Life without

You in it…

But one day

Someday

Maybe soon

I will be able

To let go of

You and I

Let go of you

Let go of this

And I will start

To live for

Myself again.

And when I leave

I won’t be

Running from

You this time

I will be

Following

MY dream.

[kendrene]

Beatrice heard it once before that the dead can only haunt the living if we let them. Maybe it had been Mother Superion telling her these words in the wake of Shannon’s abrupt passing. Beatrice can’t remember. She’s not sure she cares to, either way. 

At first it had been just Shannon’s presence shadowing her footsteps. Then Mary’s. Ava’s. Lilith, who despite being alive still already joined the endless ranks of the departed. She sees them, fingerprints all over Cat’s Cradle. Finds traces of them in everything she does. In the last book Shannon ever read, abandoned halfway through. The drawer full of empty bullet casings Mary had been in the habit of collecting. And Ava is in every laugh that comes out of the new recruits, in the jokes they tell each other to relieve tension after a test; jokes that Beatrice can’t find it in herself to laugh along.

The three of them are ghosts, and if Lilith acts as though she’s dead already, then Beatrice’s shattered heart is the mausoleum housing them all. They’re remnants, the last scraps the living scatter in their wake, and Beatrice is their graveyard. 

Presence is made all the more palpable when violence engineered the absence. Loss, if unexpected, lacks the cushioning of time. Warrior Nuns die young. Sister Warriors younger still. Beatrice had been ready for it, she’d long ago made peace with the fact she would not live to see thirty.

Nothing — not her studies, nor prayer, nor training — prepared her to become the sole survivor. 

“I don’t know how to go on without them,” she whispers to Mother Superion in confession on a late afternoon. Never again will she go to a priest. “I don’t know if I can.”

“You cannot.” Beatrice’s heart, already broken, loses another piece. “Not the way you’ve been trying to.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You live like you could go back in time to how things were.” Butter-soft light shines down on them from above, dusting Mother Superion’s shoulders gold. Beatrice squints against the radiance, looks down to the bracelet circling her wrist. Divinium blue took Shannon and Ava from her, yet here she sits, waiting for a lick of cold butane to ignite within the metal. “That’s why the world around you is a haunting.”

“I don’t—” Beatrice wets her lips. “I know none of them are coming back. I’m not stupid.”

“I didn’t say you were.” Mother Superion takes one of Beatrice’s hands in both of hers, cradling it as though she’s scooped a baby bird fallen from its nest. “Hope is the other side of grief. Hope is what drives us in the face of it, whenever the odds seem stacked impossibly high against us. Without hope you would not feel the pain of loss so keenly, but then again, what is loss if not love persevering?” 

Beatrice, who’s rarely found comfort in the physical after Shannon and before Ava, turns her face against the slope of Suzanne’s shoulder, crying quietly.

“I still don’t know what to do when something reminds me of them.” She says eventually, voice soaked through with her tears. 

Suzanne’s free hand rests warm on the crown of her head, holds her gently. “You love the pieces they have left behind for you, the memories you have of them. You feel that they haunt you because crossing paths with them has changed you. Would you rather not have met any of them at all?"

Beatrice thinks of Shannon's smile, of how nobody before had meant that amount of pride to be for her. Of Mary's steady hands, guiding her fingers around the unfamiliar weight of a gun. Of Ava's warmth next to her in their Switzerland’s bed and the subtle signs of Lilith's reluctant but genuine affection.

"No." She nods to herself, once. "I am better for having known them."

She stands, walks briskly down the sunlit nave of the church and when their footsteps echo after her own, Beatrice welcomes the company.

[denimnan]

sitting here thinking of you

wishing you were here with me

i know you are not coming back

but i still wish you were

have so many things i want to tell you

feeling alone and sinking in my misery

screaming my heart out

hoping you can hear me

- N.R.K.

[greyaugustuspoetry]

missing you

I wish I could run

Into the grip of your arms

Once over again

But that night was my last chance

Of ever seeing you

And those wonderful eyes

Ever again

But there’s a star in the sky

On this hopeless night

And I’d like to think it’s you

Watching over me

While my eyes fill with tears

I guess I can still feel your love

In places it wouldn’t normally be

- Grey Augustus

[beautiful-writings]

I miss you so much friend

Losing a friend to suicide is an indescribable tragedy that leaves a lasting impact on all those left behind. The profound pain and sorrow that accompanies such a loss is unmatched, as it not only shatters the bond shared with the departed friend but also raises countless questions about life, mental health, and the struggles one may face without our knowledge.

When a friend decides to take their own life, it is often difficult to comprehend the reasoning behind such a desperate act. We are left grappling with our own guilt, questioning whether there was something we could have done to prevent it. We wonder about the signs we may have missed, the conversations left unsaid, and the support we could have offered. It is a heavy burden to carry, blaming ourselves for something that was beyond our control.

The grief that follows the loss of a friend to suicide is complex and multifaceted. We are overwhelmed with a range of emotions, from shock and disbelief to anger and confusion. In addition to the usual process of mourning, we also experience a unique sense of guilt, wondering if we could have done more to help, blaming ourselves for not sensing the depth of their pain. We question if our friendship was enough, if we failed to offer the support and understanding they needed during their darkest moments.

In our attempt to make sense of their actions, we may also find ourselves reflecting on the fragility of human life and the struggles each individual faces, sometimes hidden beneath a façade of normalcy. We become aware of the importance of mental health and the necessity of open conversations surrounding it. Losing a friend to suicide serves as a stark reminder of the invisible battles many people fight, and it compels us to reach out, offer our support, and break the stigma surrounding seeking help for mental health issues.

As time passes, the pain of losing a friend to suicide does not fade entirely, but it transforms. We remember the joyful moments shared, the laughter, and the experiences that brought us together. We continue to cherish their memory and honor their life by advocating for mental health awareness, and by being there for others who may be struggling.

In conclusion, losing a friend to suicide is an unimaginable loss that leaves an everlasting impact on us. The immense pain and guilt that often accompany such a tragic event can be overwhelming. However, through reflection and understanding, we can work towards commemorating our lost friend's life, raising awareness about mental health, and connecting with others who may need our support. Together, we can strive to prevent further loss and build a more compassionate and understanding society.

-SM

[julianblackthornlawyer3]

since the rwrb movie was announced the ONE thing i really wanted to have in it was the portrait of alex anxiety and his academic validation and henry grief and his anxiety as well.

Like, please let me have that... its the only thing I'm asking

[theonevoice]

Oh my god.

When Crowley calls Aziraphale on the Bentley he is literally telling him:

you go too slow for me

How did I miss that.

[nmolesofadrenaline]

[classycookiexo]

My heart goes out to those who dealt with and are currently dealing with survivor’s guilt

[moonlight-shadxw]

Aizawa is a comfort character of mine, i relate to him a lot and now we share losing a best friend really early. It's a really hard thing to process, that someone who used to write with you, encourage you and advise you just won't be around anymore at all. From one second to another, everything just ends with no warning. This is perhaps the most difficult thing I've ever had to try and process. I was genuinely wishing the lack of presence was due to positive things going on in his life. But it's so hard to know months later that your gut feeling was right, and this person just won't be returning anymore. He was young. And it's so easy to take life for granted, to think tomorrow is always guaranteed when any second could be the last. It's cruel. It's terrible. He was such a great friend, and very human too.

I don't even know what to say or how to feel, how to adjust to the idea that this was it after several years of knowing him. I wanted him to live a long, happy life. He was just starting to figure things out about himself too. It's tragic, really. Gladly, it was a peaceful passing. But what a tragedy it is to close your eyes one day and not open them the next, not for the person who dies, but for everyone else who was hoping to see you again.

I'll never forget you frankh, and you genuinely left a big empty space in my heart. I don't know how to fill it, but I'll do my best to remember you and everything you did and wished for.

Rest easy and I'm sorry things were cut so short all of a sudden. I really looked up to you. We were very similar, too. It's so sad.

[lifethrulen]

Things I’ve Said To The Sky Regarding My Grief

- I’ll miss you forever.

- Could I have saved you?

- Why you?

- Please pay me a visit.

- The world misses you.

- No one would’ve ever loved me more than you.

- Thank you.

- You are my favorite person.

- Are you actually gone?

- I need you.

- Will I ever heal?

- Who am I now?

- How will I see you again?

- Will this pain ever end?

- I’m sorry for everything.

- I love you the most.

- What would you do?

- Everything is grey.

- You took all of the color with you.

- I kept your shirt.

- I have a necklace with your fingerprint on it.

- I couldn’t look at you like that.

- Your side of the family doesn’t talk to me anymore.

I will find you in every lifetime.

11-22-23 1:20AM

[zippyzstuff]

[bex-orcist]