andresfrivera

[andresfrivera]

growing up/writing therapy 20:00hrs

so, its Saturday night... And I've actually made peace with the fact that "yes", there very well may BE a million people out there tonight surrounded by friends, 'having fun', and most of them will be getting laid afterward or are already doing so, but you know something? I am in SUCH a BETTER place mentally now than I was just a year ago,... Sure, I may have been 'surrounded by more 'friends' " , but I had absolutely no moral foundation to my life, I was mutilating and ripping apart my mind body and soul on a daily basis, completely shaming myself and my family and all of my parents' efforts and sacrifices that they made to raise me in this country by squandering said efforts by simply using the money I made to fill my arms and veins with mud/downing pills to soften the hardened feeling of the unforgiving and callous reality of life. That's all just a lot of poetic sounding talk for the plain fact that USING DRUGS is a FUCKING EXCUSE TO NOT MAKE YOUR LIFE THE ABSOLUTE BEST you can make it by choosing to be STRONG ENOUGH to rise to the challenge of fulfilling your own individual potential. But I'm not going to let 'fear of failure' be some shitty excuse to continue to self-sabotage myself and in turn EXCUSE myself from having to even try.

I Woke up this morning surrounded by FAMILY,... There's something to be said about waking in a house on a Saturday morning to the smell and commotion of your family downstairs making eggs and bacon, and despite the fact that we've all got our own shortcomings , I love them , and I love myself, more than I have ever before, and it's in the KNOWING that mornings like that won't happen to you FOREVER, and the fact that they are fleeting, makes you embrace them even more... and THAT is something to hold onto.

[andresfrivera]

Approaching abyss's overlook

Moments like this, I am more filled with fear than ever before, ok, well, not necessarily more fear than 'ever before', but I certainly feel a great deal of it setting in... It's during moments of feeling inadequate, moments of vulnerability, that a person who (or maybe its just me) used to drown my sorrows/fears/boredom with tidal waves of opiates, or pills, I was formerly "the great conqueror" (or at least I believed I was) of any and all obstacles,...

However now, in hindsight, I can see I was not truly a 'master' at conquering much of anything, but rather I was, in actuality,... "the one true escapist" .

I just feel like I "need someTHING"... Maybe it was my stupid fucking conversation earlier this evening with Raf, and all of his praises for my "unbelievable success", that are making me second-guess myself... that are making me wonder, "is this REALLY me, or have I just gotten so RIDICULOUSLY GOOD at convincing others of things that I have now finally gone and lied to MYSELF in a manner so believable, that even I (the great liar), can no longer even tell the difference?

They say the worst thing you can do is to lie to yourself (I think, and if they don't say that, then they should.. ) and so, with that, I leave you, hah, isn't that funny?? The use of the word "you" in an online blog post, as if anyone will ever read this but me. I hope this feeling of "needing & wanting 'something' " goes away soon, because it drearily feels like an old unwanted friend from the past, who I've been running away from for almost three years now, and I don't want to open that door back up.

nacht.

[andresfrivera]

Tonight was harder...

The thing is that when you are out and about in the world on a weekday, especially during the standard “business hours’ of ‘9-5′, ... It’s pretty easy to just “focus on the work you’re doing’ while simultaneously sort of ‘knowing’ or ‘believing” rather, that the rest of the world is ‘at work also’... And even when a weekday becomes a weeknight, you’re still sort of able to convince yourself that the rest of the world “probably isn’t doing anything very exciting,’ because again, ‘its a school night’ ..... 

and then there's ‘ f r I d a y ‘ . 

(deep sigh) 

friday In fucking February. 

The month that single people like myself have all come to fucking despise... 

.

.

.

For me personally, it’s all in the KNOWING that most of the world is ‘out on the town’ “living it up” , and then it gets really hard around 11/12/1-ish because that’s the time of night when statistically all of the boys and girls in the world are getting between the sheets.  It’s really hard to believe that this person I am now is me.

Who once upon a time was literally overflowing with friends to see and places to go and most of all, girls to bed,...

it’s just fucking hard. 

I guess I’m a loser. and I guess I'm an “Incel’... ( someone who is 

‘involuntarily-celibate “ ) ... 

this makes me want to fucking buy a gun and unload it against my temple. 

[andresfrivera]

Beginning to feel well

Recently I've been starting to feel not only much more comfortable, but ultimately overall much more content* with the way everything has been going.  If you would have told me even just as recently as 10 months ago that I would be able to feel this good, this positive, this uplifted and fulfilled, in a day in my life let alone in general, WITHOUT* the help from a substance, (drugs), I would have wholeheartedly laughed in your face and said something like “keep dreaming” or “that’s just improbable”, that's right, not just impossible but IMPROBABLE.  Maybe its because I'm making a lot of money?  But that wouldn't or couldn't really be it could it?  Because back in 2017 that is still to date (and that is looking more and more like it is going to change this year of 2022) the biggest financial year of my life to date... And I was still using opiates intravenously multiple times throughout the day as part of a very unfortunate daily regimen.... So it isn’t the money,... It’s not a relationship that I'm in because despite the fact that I’m literally brimming with the desire to be in one right now, at the current moment I am worlds away from being in a meaningful relationship with a significant other,... however luckily, I have been able to somewhat “control” the emotions of ‘feeling worthless’ and ‘unwanted’ that typically go hand in hand with the realization that one is truly and utterly alone...    And as I type this I realize that I just woke up in the middle of my sleep (again) an that its almost 3 in the morning, but I do want to note that I am sleeping better...  It’s not a confidence thing because though I’m not the fattest I've ever been in my life I'm also not the lightest/skinniest...  Idk world!  I just feel friggin’ good!  The other day I was actually feeling a little bit down.  It was the end of a workday, and I had just made myself quite the ‘catch’ for the day dollars/sales-wise, and I remember thinking as I began to take the route home from where I was, I remember thinking to myself, “now what? ‘home&sleep’ again?” , “I have no woman to share the fruits of this victory with, what am I really even DOING?” “what the hell is even the POINT of all of the work that I’m doing? “  “am I going to turn fucking forty and have spent a fucking entire decade of my life single and alone? “ 

Needless to say it was a pretty deep, heavy, and overall shitty moment, one that has actually now repeated itself several times ever since I got sober...  And that’s just it, it has exactly EVERYTHING to do with sobriety because, when I was swallowing Xanax all day, I could have given two FLYING FUCKS about who I was or was NOT with!  But now that I am back in the world of the living, I like to refer to one’s existence in a full state of consciousness as “LIFE ON ULTRA-LOUD MODE”, when everything weighs, and shrieks, and cuts deep...

But,...

I “talked myself down from the ledge” so to speak,... And here’s why, I realized that even the people that are in those ‘hot and sexy relationships’ where BOTH the man and the woman, either remotely in your life (people that live in your city or betteryet people that you personally know) OR people that are in movies or magazines, THOSE people were not BORN into being one another’s boyfriend or girlfriend... And not only that but even REALLY hot people in relationships were SINGLE ONCE TOO... Now HOW LONG (is what one negative person would immediately say next) became the next question that automatically arose in my mind) , is actually completely up to me.  So I finally mustered up the courage to ask for the Starbucks girl’s phone number last week and I GOT IT!  I know that’s really no big deal and It will most likely not actually lead to anything, But I ended up being right having told myself that whether or not she ended up giving me her number I’d have been happier with myself after the fact having ACTUALLY ATTEMPTED to make a connection rather than to do what I myself and so many countless other men do 99.9% of the time, and that is to just keep my feelings to myself . This is what I mean about it being up to me,... I need to keep doing things like this because as a salesperson I know that it is just another numbers game, and one of these girls is going to buy.

[andresfrivera]

[andresfrivera]

overcoming solitude

learning how to grow up. by me. 

it has been almost three years since the last time I used heroin, and over half a year since I abused benzodiazepines... 

I am so incredibly lucky that without any rehab, or external counseling, I have been able to transition smoothly into the life of a truly functioning adult in society.  

However, something that goes hand in hand with becoming sober after having been an addict, means to no longer ‘travel in the same circles’ of people with whom you socialized before... 

I was fortunate that I have my boss and his wife, who are really nice to me and great company to go out on the town with and visit shops and restaurants and attractions, as well as having been lucky enough to have been able to reconnect with a couple of friends from long before my dreary descent into the dark world of drug use... 

I’m slowly beginning to rebuild what I’ve recently been referring to my “social wealth”, of which at the moment I have very VERY little, however, having started to truly look into the subject of the topic of “loneliness,” and “solitude”, I've realized that one thing that several professionals say is true, and that is that, if you’re going to transition from being a ‘loner’ to an individual with many* friends, acquaintances, and serious relationships, then the place where you need to begin is by CONSCIOUSLY MAKING strides to make conversation with people firstly, if we look back to our past’s we’d see that this was the first step we took at the very beginning of any friendship or relationship with any significant other, we spoke to them, even if they spoke to us first, the point is that before a relationship can form, the first thing that needs to happen is conversation. 

I was really proud of myself last Thursday, I asked a cute girl at the Starbucks across the street from my office for her phone number and to my surprise/delight, she gave it to me immediately, we’ve begun to talk and text, and whether or not something more does* come of it, the point is that I REACHED OUT to someone and at least made the attempt to make a connection with a stranger... Doing this more and more is the absolute ONLY way I am going to finally start to build up my social wealth again and accomplish my true desire which is to love someone once again. 

I just feel like I'm at such a perfect point in my life right now, everything, well, almost everything, most of everything, is going so right!  My job is going incredibly well, I'm not only earning a ton of money but I'm Saving a LOT as well thanks to the fact I'm no longer flushing funds down the drain in exchange for pills or opiates, it will truly never cease to amaze me just HOW MUCH MONEY you can save when you aren't a drug addict. 

the thing that gets me down from time to time is that I'm 33 years old, in seven christmas/summer’s I will be 40... and I refuse to be a lonely middle aged man. I just DO. 

#making_the_change #dating #sobriety #friendsInYourThirties 

[andresfrivera]

Announcement : I’m getting my mortgage license!!!

Pretty soon (within the next 90 days..) I will be helping people buy homes!! In many cases these homes will be peoples “DREAM HOMES”!!! I’m so excited and despite all of the absolute CHAOS going on in the world right now I couldn’t be happier and I can’t even really believe this is my life knowing that once upon a time I didn’t think it was even POSSIBLE to go through a day without the “help” of some sort of opioid or benzodiazepine … what a waste!!! I am forever thankful to god and my family for never abandoning me and always believing in me!

Thank you, lord god, for everything you’ve done, and continue to do for me!!!

[andresfrivera]

It’s a good feeling to know that having gotten into snowboarding around age 11... till age 23... not riding the last NINE SEASONS STRAIGHT and I can still “Hold my own” @ age 32!!!! #bigsnowamericandream #bigsnow #burtonsnowboards #burton #snowboarding🏂 #snowboardingtime (at Big SNOW American Dream) https://www.instagram.com/p/CGd5GYqFsnr88TwIlGoXHyR2_O35_DY2M1RiqY0/?igshid=12qt29991qmbh

[andresfrivera]

Theres the safe road in life... which never ends in wealth but rather stagnancy.... then there Los Ángeles .... for those brave enough to chase dreams ... 31 .... weird elementary school kid>middle/highschool skater + snowboarder>turned drug addict?> clean a year and I still feel nothing ... age 19 + comm college In CT and upstate ny, lots of illicit substances and six high earning sales careers later I still haven’t a CLUE .... guess it’s all irrelevant anyhow.... I enjoy music ... that hasn’t changed since I was 7.... let this post enter you... what did u want once more than anything? WHAT ALTERED YOUR PATH / CHANGED YOUR MIND? “All the money in the world means nothing if you’ve no one to share it with......” - American Proverb. (at Grassy Island) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_3daAEF4NPgjhE9hXguyxf21AO83wb_Gv_SCo0/?igshid=6zlzfwaveo98

[andresfrivera]

F R O M T H E V A U L T #THECOMACALM #STARTaBAND #stewleonards #posthardcore #highschoolhigh #othersideofthetracks #whatyearisit (at East Norwalk, Connecticut) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-sGtBrlCoBndIUS3ujj9KWbimniEbZtOzWZSM0/?igshid=tvxfsytmw72j

[andresfrivera]

Ladies and gentlemen this is ACTUALLY one for the record books ... MY FIRST AUDI!!!! ‘94 Audi 90 CS Quattro my f*****g LOVE of my LIFE!!!!! (at East Norwalk, Connecticut) https://www.instagram.com/p/B9LZ5vIlnDpKA2ZnTZ_Pf5P8AwqQuB75MURUQc0/?igshid=1lemj6b4i4l0p

[andresfrivera]

Me and my fam (minus Daniel my big brother) at Niagara Falls Circa 2008 before dropping me off at college in NorthWestern N.Y. #FromTheVault #niagarafalls #TruEmoKids #TheOriginalEboys #AtLeastMe #FurtherSeemsForever (at Niagara Falls, Ontario) https://www.instagram.com/p/B9LY385FxVQVNnxP0i6xDvxJ4KCQapzWUkMwWs0/?igshid=nny38c8doxdh

[andresfrivera]

#catskillsmountains #huntermountain #presidentsday #presidentsdayweekend #presidentsday2020 #snowboarding #rivera #childers #summit (at Hunter Mountain) https://www.instagram.com/p/B8sIxB4FS7Pfbtly456CnAW3-vQSnS4i_fIuIs0/?igshid=1dkvl85xf4zyb

[andresfrivera]

#RidingTheBerkshires #MassBoarding #QuitMyJobForlifeOnASnowBoard #JKtoPrevMyJobAllowsMe2SnBrd #WheneverIWant #DontDrinkJackWhenEditing #TheLonelyRider #ItsJUSTaboutTHEmoney (at Jiminy Peak Mountain Resort) https://www.instagram.com/p/B8VbRMwl72xCkhZK2NWI1ow74gMXwzK4TJXaY40/?igshid=hbg0mr40fqyv

[andresfrivera]

#killington #twoDaySnowVacay #Brought #to #you #by #BURTON #Join us tomorrow for part two or actually I mean part one! (at Arlington, Vermont) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7c12YXFeQPlnVRfY94hvSw3k25Ijup7vifDHk0/?igshid=1qoebyprwwc5u

[andresfrivera]

#snowboarding #youTuber #SocialMediaInfluencer #Vlogger #NewbieVlogger #MyNewChannel #TheAndresRiveraSnowReport #GoProMax #ThisThingwasSevenHundredBucks #iBetterLearnToUseitFast #MLKvermontWeekendSnowboarding #Extravaganza (at East Norwalk, Connecticut) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7X_hwlFnADZ97R2tESW7oFp_LM7pYjrZC14qs0/?igshid=at3et5pthbsm

[andresfrivera]

#tooIcyEndofDay #iBetThisDoesntHappenInUtahOrBC #TimeToCallitaDay #iHATEicePatches #snowboarding #gottaKnowtoRIDESTRAIGHToverthem #doNotTurninIceYouWillLikelyFall #GoPro #BeAhero #burtonsnowboards #mohawkmountainskiarea #BackToMyYouth (at Cornwall, Connecticut) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7NRisElNDBYGWKlS50MEKPTLE8SlXLTQDvQdc0/?igshid=1k63i212bxt1h