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andronomenom · 29 days ago

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Bruisers Part V: Does He Hold You Like This?

18+ MDNI

Content warnings: addiction, relapse (only a minor mention in this one,) injury (reader), soooooo much angst, mentions of rough sex and biting and dubious consent (not with Bucky), jealous Bucky, pining

Word Count ~ 3.9k

Author’s Note: I have decided to torture them just a little with this one but I promise there’s eventually comfort. As with all other parts, this can be read as a stand alone.

Barely edited, please forgive me.

Bucky Barnes x Reader, not even remotely canon so don’t come at me, reader and Bucky have been posted at a military base together and are slowly building a friendship (for now), no use of Y/N, reader is referred to as “Scout”, no assigned gender. Reader relapses, Bucky’s there to pick up the pieces. Now they have to go on a mission together and pray nothing falls apart.

In the rare event that this is worth stealing, I wrote this myself. You do not have permission to copy or repost this without crediting me. I may not know where you live, but I can figure it out.

***

~~~

The hum of the motorway was faint despite its proximity to the hotel. The musty curtains kept out a good amount of light, enough that you were able to sleep through the morning. You just listened for a moment, aware of the warmth beside you and slowly opened your eyes. You lazily turned your head towards Bucky whose eyes were closed. It wasn’t obvious whether or not he was sleeping, but you reached for his hand, slipping your palm into his open one.

If Bucky was awake he didn’t give it away and you let your eyes slide closed again for just a few minutes longer. If you stayed still like this, the pain was nothing but an ache in your chest and the person beside you was nothing more than a companion. Not another soldier fighting for a cause they didn’t quite understand, just someone to lean on.

“Bucky?” You didn’t want to wake him if he was asleep, just wanted to check if he was conscious.

“Morning.” He mumbled, squeezing your hand.

“Good morning.” You weren’t able to stop the smile that spread across your face and you started turning onto your side to look at him. As soon as your muscles began to move, pain pierced through your chest. You inhaled sharply which only made it worse, but you were determined not to let it ruin the moment.

You held your breath for a moment before finding the right pace, the right amount of oxygen to take in. Enough to keep you going, but not so much as to expanded your lungs too far into your ribs.

Whether or not Bucky had been sleeping before, he was certainly awake now.

“Worse or better today?” He asked, not bothering to hide the twinge of worry in his voice.

“Better for now. We have some time before we have to move again. If you are alright with staying a day or so, I’ll be good to go.”

Bucky hummed, thumb caressing the back of your hand. He was staring at you, but this time it didn’t feel like he was looking right through you. It felt like he saw you, and he maybe even… It didn’t matter, it wasn’t the time to think about it. You felt safe, you felt calm, what else could you ask for?

~~~

“Hey doll,” Bucky breathed, your hand still in his as your eyes fluttered open. “I’m going to get some food, will you be alright until I get back?”

You nodded, it was the only movement you could make at the moment. You didn’t let go of his hand though. It was too warm, too comfortable, too significant. You were afraid that once this moment ended it would be gone forever. He didn’t have to do this, he was trapped with you in this shitty excuse for a hotel, and he was just supporting you like he said.

You squeezed his hand gently, finally letting go. Getting too used to this, to being cared for, to him, would only end in disaster. You pushed those thoughts aside. It would end soon enough. You would push him away before he got any closer, but not yet. Not while you were leaning on him with no other option. It wasn’t because you had anyone else that would better carry the weight of your heavy heart, but because you didn’t want to lean on anyone.

Bucky stayed though, he stayed even when your replies grew shorter and it became more difficult to hold his gaze. The weather had turned violent, rain beating the roof of the motel, booms of thunder shaking the window panes, and lightning cracking the sky open.

Dinner was soup, something easy to get down. Even if it was bland and came from a can, it was enough for now.

At some point, the power went out and Bucky gently laid blankets over you. You were barely speaking to him now, trying not to acknowledge how good, how natural the whole thing felt.

Bucky knew what you were doing. He knew why you had stopped reaching for his hands and why you were becoming colder towards him. All the parts he had started to understand about you were slipping away and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. He resented it. Didn’t resent you, he didn’t know he ever could. He resented the way your job made you pull back whenever someone got too close. He didn’t resent you, but he was getting frustrated.

~~~

“Hey, Scout?” Bucky turned to you, his voice a little rougher than it had ever been when he said your name.

That familiar feeling was creeping up. You had done nothing but resist his kindness and it was about time that he said something. You braced yourself for the worst. At least it would be over soon. You could go back to base after this and compartmentalize a little better. Find yourself a drink - god how long had it been? It was easy not to think about when you were busy, when you had a goal or someone to keep you company. Now alone with your thoughts, having shutdown any attempt at conversation with one word answers you could feel the tingling in your gums, the thirst starting to consume you again. You didn’t dare ask Bucky to go get you a bottle of wine. Fuck, anything would do right now. Cheap liquor, some disgustingly sweet premade cocktail, piss poor beer. You couldn’t ask, not after he had already picked you up twice.

So, you laid in bed, trying to forget the need gnawing away inside your chest and not to count the days it had been since your thirst had been quenched.

“Scout.” Bucky repeated, snapping you out of your selfish want. “We have to head back to the base soon. Are you okay to move?”

~~~

It didn’t surprise either of you that once you were healed enough to travel you were told you had to return to Italy. It surprised Bucky even less when you had requested separate hotels. You made up some bullshit excuse about it being better if you weren’t spotted together this time. It surprised him though when he saw you flirting your way through the city, trying to gather information in drunk conversations. It wasnt the flirting that got him though, it was the pang of jealousy he felt every time he watched someone else touch you.

It was none of his business if you wanted to put distance between the two of you. It had gone too far, you had gotten too close. He trailed you through your evenings, never interrupting. The only conversations between you revolved around work. Most of the time there was nothing to report. When there was, he relished every second that he got to listen to your sweet voice.

He couldn’t close the distance, he could only keep watch. He was your bodyguard again this mission, but this time he couldn’t touch you.

It shouldn’t have surprised him, but it did when you started getting close to someone else. Someone who there was no information to glean from, but you lead to your bed anyway.

Bucky noticed, of course he noticed. He saw the way your cheeks burned whenever this new… whoever, was near you. He tried not to listen, he really tried but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help himself but see the little shows of dominance this man slipped into every interaction with you. He couldn’t help but see that you were falling in love with someone, and it wasn’t him.

It pissed him off when he saw you adjusting your collar to hide the lovemarks. It made him lose his mind when you smiled at your phone.

~~~

It had always been easy for you to make friends, it’s part of what made you a good scout. You couldn’t just build a map in your head, you could build a relationship in a night. The casual encounters of your nights out as you tried to gather intel were fun, but they weren’t enough.

You had pushed Bucky away. He was one of the few people who had seen you vulnerable and you fucking pushed him out. And now, you were so goddamn lonely. Constantly surrounded by people and drink outside of restaurants and bars in the almost too warm summer heat, and you were cold. He was never too far away, you could almost feel his protective stare from the shadows. He was waiting, waiting in case you asked the wrong question to the wrong person and he had to step in. That was as close as you would let him get.

~~~

You slowly started to build a group of friends. Well, not quite friends, more of a company of partiers who could introduce you to the right people.

You found one of these right people, but he was right for all the wrong reasons. You called him Adonis in your head. It wasn’t unheard of to find a Greek god in an Italian city. You didn’t know a single thing about him except that he was charming and beautiful. He knew nothing of you and you liked it that way. As long as you kept it this way, you could keep your focus on your work.

~~~

The sex was good. Really good. From the moment you laid your hands on him, the moment he whispered “good pet” into your ear you knew it. You knew this man was going to ruin you and that you were going to let him. The first time he spent a night in your bed, it took a week for the bruises to fade. You couldn’t tell if they were left by his hands or his teeth when every moment of pleasure blurred together. Hands around your neck, then pinning you to the mattress, then guiding his cock down your throat. You had never been choked like this. For a moment you were scared you were going to run out of air and you still didn’t care. You still wanted more. You weakly told him to slow down at some point, but when he only ground himself into you deeper your mind went blank again. You didn’t even mind checking in the mirror every morning to make sure the purple marks were hidden by your clothes. Sometimes you pulled down the collar of your shirt just to admire them for a moment. The colours changing as they faded reminded you of the night you spent together. Every lighter shade they turned felt like a timer ticking down to when you would need his touch again. Every mark was a reminder of being wanted.

He was funny, he was flirty. You lasted maybe a day without clinging to his texts. Every time your phone pinged, you had to take a moment. You prayed it would be him disturbing your silence. And you had to take another moment when it was him, make sure you could control yourself just enough. He couldn’t know how much you already needed his attention.

And then, there was the shame. You could understand hiding whatever this was from your friends, but not from everyone else. Hell, you were hiding your entire purpose here from him, so why did you care? He never took you out for dinner unless there was a group going. He never met you just to be in your company. He would spend every moment possible teasing you when you weren’t alone. Brushing past you just a little too close, whispering filth into your ears, holding your face as his tongue pushed past your lips in the fleeting moments you were in a room alone. And when everyone else went home, he was on you like prey, and fuck, you loved it.

The shame didn’t fade though, it only grew. You kept making excuses for why he wouldn’t just take you out. It was just fucking, that’s all it was. Your heart had no right to react when his messages lit up your phone. You had no right to be jealous when you would find out from someone else where he had been on the nights your screen stayed dark. He wasn’t yours, even if you were already his. You felt like you had something to feel guilty for. You could lie to yourself and say you felt nothing but desire for his body. The dread that hung above you on the other hand, was impossible to ignore.

He always had to be gone before the sun rose, he wouldn’t even walk down the street alone with you. No, you didn’t have a right to feel the jealousy that kept trying to escape from the corners of your mind, but something was wrong. He wasn’t just trying to keep it casual. He was hiding you.

You started to pick up on snippets of conversation, whispered into his phone when he didn’t think you could hear him.

You somehow managed to keep your focus on the mission. As much as you desired your Adonis, you refused to let sex get in the way of work. The more people you met, the closer you were getting to your goal. You were going to find the person with the details you needed, and loose enough lips that they would pass it to you. It was so easy to play innocent when you had a group of strangers around you.

~~~

The necessity of your extended stay had brought with it some advantages. You had an apartment this time. You needed a place to call home here to make your new persona more convincing. It didn’t hurt that it allowed you to have company.

Another night passed, another visit from your lover came with it. Your Adonis had left you half asleep and basking in the afterglow of the evening. He didn’t bother promising to return to you, you didn’t expect him to. You had shared your few hours of bliss and that would have to do until he chose to bless your bed again.

When you were alone again, the shame started to creep back in. You could distract yourself with people and sex. As long as you didn’t stay still, you were fine.

Nights like this were the worst. The nights when you locked the door behind your lover and felt the air knocked out of your lungs. Guilt left your chest burning. You didn’t feel guilty for lying to someone whose only connection to you was laying in your bed. Bucky’s face kept playing in your mind, the sting of hurt he must have felt when you asked not to stay together this time. It wasn’t just guilt either, it was longing. Longing for something aside from pleasure, longing for his company, his voice, his arms wrapped around you.

No amount of tea or reading could quiet your anxious mind this night. Somehow, despite constantly being around drinks, you had dropped your habit of using the bottle to nurse you to sleep. You weren’t sober in any sense of the word, but you controlled yourself enough not to let alcohol cross the threshold of your temporary home.

You were too tired to go for a walk, and you had already paced these streets so often that they had grown boring. The best you could do was go outside, sitting on the curb outside and staring at the sky. The night was beautiful, the stars were out and the breeze made you feel clean. You were so wrapped up in trying to spot constellations that you didn’t hear footsteps approaching.

“Having fun, Scout?”

You whipped around, sighing in relief when you realized it was Bucky’s figure looming over you.

“As much as I can while on the job.” You shrugged and slowly rose to your feet. He offered you a hand which you didn’t really need, but took anyway.

“You seem like you’ve been having fun.” It was a simple statement. It could almost be an innocent observation, but you could feel your heart racing.

“Yeah, well I’m glad it’s convincing.” You shrugged again, trying to formulate the right thing to say to get out of this conversation.

“You should be careful with him.”

You stopped breathing for a second, staring up at Bucky. His brow was furrowed, and you could tell it wasn’t just with concern. There was jealousy that he was trying to swallow down and the edge to his voice didn’t help.

“It’s fine Barnes, just some entertainment.” You replied, trying to hide the guilt in your voice.

It hurt Bucky that you responded so casually, it hurt that you called him ‘Barnes.’ So he nodded stiffly, taking a step back from you.

“Is there something wrong?” You asked even though you already knew the answer.

“I don’t think you should be getting so close to anyone while we’re on the job.”

“Too close?” You laughed humourlessly, shaking your head. “It’s just something to fill the time. He keeps me around the people I need to see.”

“So why is he always in your bed?” Bucked raised a brow, his tone sharp with you for the first time.

“What the FUCK Bucky?” You hissed, hands beginning to tremble. “It’s none of your goddamn business who I sleep with. I have NO ONE here to talk to after a long day. I can’t make any real friends, I can’t call anyone. If this is how I deal with it, this is how I deal with it.”

“And who decided you would be alone?” He hissed in turn, looking at you with what felt like disgust.

“You know it’s better this way. You know neither of us can be distracted.”

“You’re not distracted now?”

“How dare you?” You could feel the anger rolling over you and you tried to remember to breathe. “How dare you question if I’m able to do my job. I got us home without being tracked, without explaining myself, and you never questioned me. And now, what? Because someone else is giving me attention you can’t trust me?”

You regretted your words as soon as they escaped your lips and every bit of anger you were feeling was replaced with guilt. The guilt you were desperate to push away, but you couldn’t do it this time. You couldn’t do it with him standing in front of you. You couldn’t do it when you could see how much you were hurting him.

“I do trust you Scout.” Bucky breathed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I just came by to check in, it’s been a couple of days. I guess there was no need. Have a good night.”

Bucky turned away from you, but you reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Bucky, wait. I…”

“You what?” There was no emotion in his voice, but when he turned around to look at you, there was something soft in his eyes.

You didn’t want him to walk away, you didn’t want to spend another night with half your bed cold and empty. You didn’t have a right to ask him to stay. You just looked at him, pleading with your eyes for him to notice how badly you needed him in this moment.

“Scout, you’re going to have to tell me what you want. You wanted space, you got space. I don’t know what you need now.”

You just shook your head and dropped your hand from his shoulder. “I…”

You trailed off again and Bucky shrugged, taking a few steps back.

“Fuck, please don’t leave. I want you to stay. I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

Bucky couldn’t believe you said it out loud, but it was all he was hoping to hear. He took your hand and you lead him up to your apartment. It felt wrong to let him lay beside you in a bed so recently occupied by someone else so left him standing in the living room while you went to clean up. He didn’t comment on it. Didn’t comment on your red cheeks or the red marks that trailed across your collarbone. He let you change your sheets and just nodded when you said you were going for a shower.

He was sitting on the couch when you came out of the bathroom, wearing a pullover and sweats despite the warm summer air that leaked into your apartment through an open window. You made your way over to him and he wordlessly pulled you into his lap and held you against him.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s not my place.” He apologized before you could and all you could do was sigh.

“You don’t have to apologize. This was going to happen, we knew that, even if we didn’t say it out loud.”

Bucky looked down at you, trying not to dwell on the marks someone else had left on you.

“I know this is just part of it. I know you’re doing your job and I don’t have the right to comment on how you deal with it.”

“Bucky, please stop apologizing. I don’t need that, I need you.” You pressed your lips together, holding yourself back from saying more. You didn’t want to tell him that you always wanted him, tell him that this whole time you had been wishing it was him in your bed. “Will you stay with me tonight?”

“Of course doll.” Bucky held you a little tighter as he picked you up and laid you down on your bed.

He crawled in beside you and you shifted onto his chest while he held onto your waist. His other hand came up and he gently scratched your scalp. You melted into him, feeling your breathing slow as you traced patterns across his chest.

Seeing you so relaxed in his embrace, Bucky couldn’t help himself. “Does he ever hold you like this?” There was no malice in the question, maybe just a little pride that he was the one you were falling asleep with.

“No, and I don’t think it would be enough if he did.”

Bucky smiled to himself and placed a kiss on the top of your head.

“I promise I’ll still be here in the morning.” He breathed, adjusting the comforter over you.

“You better.” You mumbled as you began drifting off to sleep.

~~~

***

P.S. Thank you for reading!! I love you all and it makes me so happy every time I see another person enjoy my ramblings. Byeeeeeee

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes comfort #sebastian stan #bucky barnes #comfort fic #mdni

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andronomenom · 1 month ago

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Bruisers Part IV: Better This Time

18+ MDNI

Content warnings: addiction, relapse (only a minor mention in this one,) injury (reader), angst (of course)

Word Count ~ 3.8k

Author’s Note: More? I’m giving you more? More hurt/comfort because I can’t help myself. BUT we’re going on an adventure this time. You don’t really need to read the other parts for this one but if you think it’s worth it I am eternally grateful.

This part is brought to you by our faithful sponsor insomnia. Not edited, hopefully coherent. Heed the content warnings.

In the rare event that this is worth stealing, I wrote this myself. You do not have permission to copy or repost this without crediting me. I may not know where you live, but I can figure it out.

~~~

It was a difficult day to get out of bed, but this time it wasn’t just the headache, it was the comfort of the arms you found yourself wrapped in. A part of you was surprised that Bucky had stayed, but another part of you knew he wouldn’t leave. At least not yet. Whether from fear of waking you or the comfort you brought him, he was still there.

It was a quiet parting this time. Somehow, after all Bucky had seen of you during the days you had stayed in his cabin to dry out, this felt more intimate. Maybe a line had been crossed or maybe you were scared of being used to his comfort. Whatever it was, you spent the next week building your walls back up. Bucky was all too aware of the consequences for both of you should your dependency on either him or the bottle come to light so he waited. You avoided him and he did his best to pretend it didn’t scare him. Was he scared for you, or was he scared of losing you?

Whatever pain you were trying to choke down and whatever fear he was swallowing, it could be put aside. At least, for now, you could pretend to forget it.

~~~

The call finally came in. You were pulled into a meeting room, god knows what hour it was. Then, you were briefed. Then you left.

It was a short plane ride to Italy. It felt short at least, sleep had been so easy to fall into while trying to avoid eye contact with Bucky. You barely noticed landing, you were still not quite ready to connect with reality.

You headed to a hotel, a familiar routine, normal. But it wasn’t normal and it was getting harder and harder to pretend.

It was just after you set your bags down that you had to come face to face it. You had pushed this away for as long as you could, but as you watched Bucky settle into the room, you knew it was time.

He sat on the couch and you followed, perching at the opposite end. it was silent for a moment, Bucky putting together the right words in his head and you constructing a way out. The right lie to make so he didn’t have to pick you up again.

But you didn’t have to lie. You went over details of the mission and he offered kind glances to you. It did feel normal, it was just another day of work.

“So, we infiltrate this warehouse, we do a survey, and get out. There’s not really much else to worry about it, is there?” You sounded confident, you felt more yourself.

“That’s it?” Bucky asked, a small smile gracing his face as you finally met his eyes.

“Yeah, that’s it.” You laughed body relaxing as you settled properly into the couch.

“Okay, and what are we doing tonight?”

“Tonight?”

“Yeah, tonight.” Bucky laughed, reaching over to you and gently resting his hand on your shoulder for a moment before pulling away. “We need to eat at some point.”

“Yeah, I guess we do. Do you like Italian?” You laughed, smiling at Bucky.

“I do.”

~~~

The streets were beautiful. You were staying in a more touristy area and it was a blessing. Dinner was everything you could have asked for, you were actually enjoying yourself, talking with Bucky and trading stories.

When it came time to sleep for the night, Bucky automatically took the couch and left no room for argument. You had finished your night time routine and had crawled under the comforter. It was good just to have someone there, someone who you could listen to. The quiet rustling of a blanket adjusted, the gentle movements as he settled in and his breaths.

As good as it was just to have him sharing a room with you once again, you still wanted more. You wanted his warmth, his smell, the feeling of his arms around you. But you couldn’t bring yourself to ask. You had already taken so much from him, let yourself get too close.

So, you laid there, listening to his every breath as if the next one would be the one to kill you to sleep. But it didn’t lull you to sleep and the more you thought about how important it was to be well rested, the more restless you grew.

You finally gave up on sleep and slid out of bed then slipped into something decent and stepped out of the room. The streets were still lively and the soft lights that illuminated the cobblestone paths felt too bright. You slipped into an old habit, a habit that kept you employed. You walked, you counted the roads you passed and the turns you took, building a map in your head. Sure, you could just buy one, just look one up, but it wasn’t the same. Memorizing the area around you brought you peace. You knew where you could run to, which streets were quiet and all the places the light couldn’t quite reach.

When you returned to your room you were exhausted but couldn’t let yourself crawl into clean sheets with the sheen of sweat stuck to your skin and you showered. You finally felt at peace enough to rest and let your breathing slow as you relished the cool cotton that surrounded you.

~~~

Working with Bucky was easy. He didn’t question you when you wordlessly led him through hallways let with fluorescent lights whose hue you could only describe as grey. He was little more than a bodyguard for this moment and you could admit to yourself it felt better than being alone.

You came to a halt when you met a door that seemed out of place, the frame standing lonely at the end of a hallway with no means of escape other than continuing forward or turning back.

You looked at Bucky and without a word he brushed past you, listening for… something. This is where your senses fell short. You maybe heard voices behind the door or maybe you were just imagining something to fill the air other than the whirring of fans that seemed to be everywhere around you.

Then, you could feel someone behind you as the hair on the back of your neck stood up and you were no longer alone. How neither of you noticed was a mystery. The fans may have been loud, but not enough to drown out the sound of footsteps to a trained ear. Especially not for his ears. He must have sensed it too because he whipped around before you could think about reacting. You followed suit, but you weren’t here to fight. You ran. You ran hard and you ran fast, pushing past the… people? The things that were held together in human form, but didn’t quite look right. They were strong and they were fast, but you still out paced them. You listened for Bucky behind you. For once you weren’t worried about someone on your team falling behind because you knew even if he did, he was stronger than any monster that lurked in the shadows.

The walls of every hallway blurred past you and you didn’t think about where you were going, your feet followed the path your brain had carved out. You were out, you were out and barely took notice of the way the barbed wire fence slashed through your skin as you crawled over it.

You made it to the inconspicuous car that was waiting for you and shifted into gear, moving before Bucky was fully in his seat. He raised a brow at you, a little surprised by the way you moved.

“Didn’t want to wait for me to do up my seatbelt?” He was joking. He was joking and it felt so good to not have to be the one to break the tension.

“Well, one of us had to make it back to tell our story.” You were smiling despite yourself, despite the adrenaline that coursed through your veins and made you forget to breathe.

“Okay kid, and do you know where we’re headed?”

“Anywhere but the way we came. You’ll have to trust me with this one Barnes. You may have the brute strength and discipline, but I have the route saved.”

Bucky nodded. It was good to see you like this. He hadn’t watched you work before and he understood why the commander had faith in you to go one missions alone. You were confident, you were unshaken.

“You enjoying this?” He asked, a little incredulous of the fact you were smiling.

“Maybe.” Your smile turned into a grin as you raced through the motorway, not needing to check your surroundings to know where you were.

~~~

The way back to base was a little more difficult. Well, a little more complex. You took unnecessary flights to places you had no business being in, only to hop on another plane heading anywhere but the base. When you were satisfied anyone that had followed you would be too confused to track you, you finally had a chance to breathe.

You hadn’t slept in maybe forty eight hours and you were in a rundown motel in the midwest, finally on familiar soil. At some point, in one of the airports you had managed to grab a change of clothes. They were tight and uncomfortable but they had been enough to get you through and hold together the skin that had been torn apart during your escape.

You didn’t change yet though. You took the complimentary notepad and began drawing out the layout of the warehouse while it was still fresh. You had walked through it over and over again in your mind and it felt more like tracing than mapping at this point.

“Scout,” Bucky didn’t dare interrupt you while you worked, but now you had set the paper aside and were just staring at it with half lidded eyes. “You’ve gotta sleep. At least clean up a bit.”

His eyes raked over your body. Every inch of your that could be covered without raising suspicion was concealed by the clothes that you knew had to stink with sweat and slight infection of the scrapes that never had a chance to be cleaned.

“Okay,” You replied, but didn’t move to get up from your chair. “You go ahead first, I’ll be a minute.”

Now that you were decompressing, you could feel the pain. The adrenaline had faded and you hadn’t realized how crucial it had been in keeping you moving until it was gone.

“Already did.” He gestured to himself and the clean clothes he donned.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry, I was…” You trailed off. You knew he understood that you had been too preoccupied and didn’t need to apologize. Really, you were stalling. You didn’t want him to watch you get up and see the way grimaced with every movement. He didn’t take his eyes off you and the more you tried to will yourself to get up, the more you realized that it didn’t feel like you could.

“How bad is it?”

“Not great.” You let out a dry laugh, trying to keep your breathing even.

“Do you need help?”

“No.” Your reply was too fast, your voice a little clipped. You wanted his help, but you didn’t need it. Now wasn’t the time to be weak. Not in this shitty hotel. Not with the concern that was written all over his place, and certainly not when you felt like you maybe really did need him. That was too much. If you acknowledged it, it was real. Once the words were out you wouldn’t be able to take them back.

He watched. He watched you with defeat as you struggled to get up, watched you the way he had in the weeks leading up to the mission. He wordlessly caught you when you finally did stand and the exhaustion and the pain made you stumble forward.

You didn’t thank him. Fuck, if you thanked him it would just prove that you needed him. You just nodded, just took a shaky step and then another. His arms had left your shoulders but he hovered behind you, spotting you in case your legs betrayed you again.

“I’m not letting you see me naked Barnes.” You joked, but it wasn’t really a joke, it was a plea. A plea that he would leave you alone just long enough to put yourself back together again. You didn’t know if you could, but you would be damned if you didn’t try.

As you shut the bathroom door behind you, you let out a soft whimper. You were sure he could hear you, but at least he couldn’t see the grimace on your face. You peeled off your clothes and sat in the shower, finally taking note of each bruise and cut that covered your body. The water ran cold, you still didn’t move. How many times had this ritual greeted the end of a mission? You were staring at the wall now, but you weren’t really seeing. Your gaze was unfocused and your mind was slipping into that familiar worry. The worry you weren’t good enough, the worry you still couldn’t do what was asked of you right the first time.

“Scout?” Bucky called. You had almost forgotten he was there.

“Just a minute!” You tried to sound chipper, but your voice was strained. You reached for the faucet, turning off the water, still not getting up. You reached for a towel and pulled it tight around yourself, trying to shut out the chill the air brought with it.

It wasn’t a minute, it was minutes, it was maybe a quarter of an hour and you weren’t ready to face him. Usually you would send everyone off after a mission to recover while you partook in your little ritual then hauled yourself into bed. But Bucky was still here. As awful as it had been for him to see you while you were sobering up, this was worse. You couldn’t let him see how you were crumbling. You couldn’t have him worried that you couldn’t do your job properly. You couldn’t let him see that you were getting worse.

The door creaked open and you continued to stare numbly at the wall. Bucky crouched down beside you, gracing you with the warmth of a dry towel that he laid across your back.

“Hey kid, I get it. You don’t have to pretend to be fine right now.”

“I am fine.” You replied, but you knew you weren’t doing anything to convince him.

“It’s a test y’know.”

“If it’s a test, I’m failing.” You huffed, the lump in your throat making it hard to do much else.

“They’re not testing you to see if you can handle everything without emotion. They’re testing you to see if you’ll keep coming back. It’s going to get harder and no one gives a damn if you’re okay. They just care that you do your job and keep the rest hidden.”

You nodded. He was telling the truth, the truth you suspected but didn’t dare say out loud.

“How are you fine then? If it just keeps getting harder?”

“I’ve got a few years on you kid.” He shrugged, moving to sit down fully on the floor beside you. “I was you, but the harder it gets, the stronger you become. That and I can heal a little faster than you.”

“Does that help you forget any faster?”

“In some ways, yeah.” He shrugged. “It’s the experience that helps the most though.”

“They offered it to me, you know.”

Bucky froze. He thought the days of building super soldiers were over, at least here.

“They what?” He couldn’t keep the anger out of his voice.

“They told me there was a serum they could give me and make me stronger. That it would make things easier, make me better at my job.” You shrugged. “They didn’t force it on me though. I think they think I’m too much of a loose canon to spring that on.”

“What did you say?” Bucky’s mind was racing, thinking of the ways you would be forever tied to the military if made you that strong. Not only an asset, but a dog to keep on a leash, lest someone else claim ownership.

“I said no… for now.” There was part of you that wondered if that was why they sent you alone to that island. To make you scared enough to say yes. If that was the reason they sent you with Bucky this time, to prove a point that you would be better off giving in.

“Good.” He breathed a sigh of relief then stood up, finishing the first aid kit.

As he patched you up, you held your breath every time the pain got to be a bit too much. He was trying his best to be gentle, but the antiseptic stung. It hurt more than the original injuries now that there was no adrenaline to keep you numb. He pressed on the areas of skin that were still together, looking for any signs of broken bones and made you move your joints. It was fine until he got to your ribs. You had fallen and hit the ground hard when making your escape, but it wasn’t something you had registered at the time.

“FUCK,” You screamed and Bucky’s hand came over your mouth to cover the sound as you slumped forward, using your arms to protect your chest. He hadn’t meant to hurt you, but instinct made you try to shield yourself from any further pressure. “Fuck fuck fuck, please just leave it alone. Shit, oh my god.”

“It’s okay, you’re going to be okay. I just need to know what’s broken before we start moving again.”

You nodded, taking shallow breaths. It made sense now, why even when you weren’t panicking you didn’t feel like you could get enough air. You tested it, trying to draw a full breath and just as you suspected, the pain bloomed in your chest again.

“Please Bucky, fuck. I can’t, I can’t do this. I need it to stop, please.” You didn’t know what you were asking for, you were just begging for help. Begging in the way you were so afraid of when he offered his help before.

He cupped your face in his hands, looking deep into your eyes. “Scout, you’re going to be okay. Just slow down.”

You knew he meant to slow down your breathing and you were pretty sure you knew what he meant by being okay. There wasn’t much you could do about broken ribs even with all the first aid supplies Bucky had managed to scrounge up. You would just have to wait it out until you got back to base and pray they had some miracle drug that would make you heal faster.

He offered you ibuprofen and acetaminophen and you tried not to scoff. They wouldn’t be strong enough to stop the pain, but it was the best he could offer at this point.

When you were bandaged and had sat long enough for the pain to subside at least a little, Bucky helped you stand up. It was dizzying, the rush of your blood pressure raising and the pain that seemed to explode with every movement. Bucky loosely wrapped you in another towel and scooped you up as gentle as he could while you hissed in pain.

He set you down on the bed and there were unwelcome tears streaming down your face.

“God, I’m sorry. This is so fucking embarrassing.” You spoke through the tears.

“Don’t. Scout, it’s not embarrassing. You’re injured and you’re sleep deprived. What else are you supposed to do?” He sighed and stood leaving the room temporarily. He returned with ice from the machine down the hall and made a makeshift ice pack with a towel. He pressed it gently to your ribs, offering his other hand for you to squeeze while he did so.

Bucky stayed crouched beside you as the ice slowly made work of numbing your ribs. You used whatever strength you had to tug on his arms. You knew he couldn’t hold you, but you at least needed him closer. He obliged, sliding onto the bed beside you, doing his best not to make the mattress depress too much.

It took a long time for you to be numb enough to even consider sleep, but eventually the tired began to take over.

“I’m so sorry you’re always fixing me.” You whispered.

“I’m not always fixing you, you can’t fix people.” Bucky shook his head. “I’m supporting you, doll. Everyone needs support sometimes.”

What he didn’t say was that you didn’t have anyone to support you, not until he had noticed. If he hadn’t seen your face fall that day, you still wouldn’t have anyone to support you. Who could you lean on when you were supposed to be strong? Who would you lean on if it wasn’t for him?

You nodded and he reached over to run a hand over your hair. You knew this was more than just support though, there was something building between you too. Could you just call it comraderie? No, you certainly couldn’t when he gently pressed his lips against your temple and ran his thumb over your cheek.

“Sleep doll,” He whispered, pressing another gentle kiss to you face. “I’ve got you.”

He had you, even if no one else did.

~~~

***

Yes, I made you wait until the end for comfort. Scout’s gotta have some character development eventually… Sorry for any mistakes, this was written on my phone and I only seem to write when I can’t sleep. Also THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!!!! Part one has like 25 notes now and I know that’s not a lot but I appreciate everyone who reads this. Like 25 people read my writing and thought it was worth finishing. Love you all, I’m going to bed.

#bucky barnes x reader #james buchanan barnes #bucky comfort #hurt/comfort #sebastian stan #bucky barnes #comfort fic #bucky angst

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andronomenom · 1 month ago

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I don’t think I’m capable of writing solely comfort or fluff. Why am I so angsty? Also I may have written myself into a corner.

0 notes

andronomenom · 1 month ago

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Talking with writers online

Their stories: Amazing grammar, soaring vocabulary, beautiful imagery and prose which flows like a river.

In chats: no capitalisation or punctuation, swears like a sailor, misspellings everywhere, acronyms and abbreviations every five words, idek

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andronomenom · 1 month ago

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I wrote this on cold medicine and I’m lowkey scared to read it over

Bruisers Part III: Can I Still be Gentle?

18+ MDNI

Content warnings: addiction, relapse, alcohol, hangover/vomiting, honestly mostly angst, tiny bit of comfort

Word Count ~ 3.8k

Author’s Note: Part three? Two parts in two days? I’m not done with this yet. So much for a one shot.

Not edited, hopefully coherent. Heed the content warnings.

Bucky Barnes x Reader, not even remotely canon so don’t come at me, reader and Bucky have been posted at a military base together but have no established friendship, no use of Y/N, reader is referred to as “Scout”, no assigned gender. Reader relapses, Bucky’s there to pick up the pieces.

In the rare event that this is worth stealing, I wrote this myself. You do not have permission to copy or repost this without crediting me. I may not know where you live, but I can figure it out.

~~~

It was a few days before you were ready, really ready to return to base. Not something you were looking forward to, but something that you told yourself needed to be done.

For the first time in what may have been years, you had done nothing. A few days in quiet, your biggest ventures being quiet walks through the woods. You remembered why you got into your line of work.

You enjoyed the quiet of the forest, you enjoyed trying to move like you weren’t there. Move silently not because you needed to hide, but because you were enjoying watching. For these few quiet days, everything else felt a little less important. It had to come to an end eventually though.

Bucky dropped you off at your car so you could drive back to base alone. It gave you time to fall back into routine without alerting anyone to your temporary fragile state of mind. Or, at least you hoped it was temporary.

It was easy to say you were fine, it was easy to greet your team and turn any questions they had about your brief break back to them. Did the commander get their reports? Did he try to send them anywhere while you were gone? No to both.

You weren’t surprised to hear either. Of course he didn’t want their input, he just wanted things to run smoothly. And that was probably the same reason he let your team rest while you were gone. You kept things running smoothly. You listened to every complaint. You let your team vent, you stood up for them as needed, you kept it under control. God forbid he had to get his hands dirty with the concerns of others.

And then, it was time to make your own report. Time to fill in both your commander and Bucky on the events that had transpired on your last mission. You had managed to avoid getting into it since you left. Now, you had no choice but to do so. At least were alone in the commander’s office, able to say your piece without acknowledging how painful it was.

It wasn’t all that bad at first. If you just stayed the facts it was almost like it had happened to someone else. You could just be a third party recounting a story, not a character in it.

“Lietnenant, I don’t need to know the time of every event. Tell me what you saw so we can decide whether or not to move in.”

Shit, he was onto you. Onto the way you delivered every detail as if they were all related incidents that concluded in a difficult day. You were almost tempted to play it down. Make it seem like there was nothing to worry about because you knew who the first boots on the ground would be. But, you also knew he wouldn’t rest until he got what he wanted out of you. He always seemed to know more than he was letting on, he just wanted to hear it from your lips.

“I don’t know who they are or what they want, but someone is building a base of their own there. They don’t want company, and they’re armed. They heard us before we saw them. Maybe fifty people. I told my unit to retreat before it turned into a fight and they were able to.” You didn’t get into the various mild injuries that occurred or how scared everyone left. The medical reports would spell that out on their own.

“Do you have anything to report or do we need to send in someone else to do your job for you?” The commander sneered. You knew what he was doing, and you hated it. Hated the way he managed to rile you up just by questioning your competence and hated how badly it made you want to try harder. Put more on the line, forget more of yourself, just for the sake of proving yourself.

“You can’t send a unit back in. Whoever is running that operation will be waiting for us now.” You weren’t lying, a dozen people wouldn’t go by unnoticed. But you knew that wasn’t enough. The commander always got what he wanted and sometimes he even managed to make you think it was what you wanted. “I can get more information for you. If you send me back in, I can get a proper layout of the place, but you can’t send the rest of them back in.”

“Good. You have half an hour to get ready. We’ve put this off long enough in your absence.”

You left. This was one of the few times you wouldn’t fight back. It would only make things worse, it would make him apply more terms to the service you so begrudgingly supplied.

~~~

Bucky watched you dart from the commander’s office back to your own room and emerge not ten minutes later dressed in your gear and carrying a rucksack.

He fought the urge to stop you, to ask what was going on. He had given you all the support you were willing to accept and at the end of the day you were still soldiers. Distracting you or making you question orders was the last thing you needed at this moment. You had to keep your head clear so he let you.

He let you go even when you did so alone, but he had to know at least something about what was happening. He could just ask the commander a few details, play it off like he just wanted to plan for the company’s next move.

“They need to bring back more information before we can do anything. Sit tight, Barnes, and wait for their report.”

That was it, that was all he got and there was no chance in hell he would get any answer other than that. So, he waited. He tried to return to his own normal. Tried to distract himself with training and whatever entertainment he could get his hands on and his head into.

The library always seemed to have something, but not for today. Not for tonight. Not for the next forty-eight hours while you were gone. He couldn’t read anything too real and even the characters in the most fantastical stories faced trials that hit a little close to home.

~~~

When you returned, it was well past midnight. It was pouring rain and there wasn’t a star in the sky. You were so cold. The kind of cold that settled into your bones and made your headache. If you were honest with yourself, it wasn’t just the cold making your head pound.

You immediately headed into the commander’s office. He was waiting for you, like a starving wolf, hungry for whatever information he could glean from your experience. You obliged, you recounted your journey and you didn’t bother to complain. It didn’t matter if you did, there was no one to complain for, aside from yourself.

You didn’t bother seeing a medic before going to bed. You peeled off your soaking gear and thanked the rain for at least removing some of the dried mud that had stuck to your skin. You loaded yourself into a shower and sat on the cool tile floor. The water turned cold but you couldn’t work up the strength to get up.

You were finally able to scrape up enough will to exit and get dressed when you thought about how much better it would be to lie down under covers. And yet, when you had finally showered off as much of the stress as you could, you felt so awake. So awake and so fucking exhausted and so restless. You walked the base like a wind up toy. Around and around with no regard for direction, hoping the next lap, the next turn, the next breath would be the one to wear you out.

Your thoughts were so loud that you didn’t notice Bucky approaching. You weren’t able to hide how jumpy you were, especially when it seemed like he had appeared from the shadows and your hands were still shaking from adrenaline.

“Sorry.” Why were you apologizing? What about showing any vulnerability made you more nervous than you already were.

“How’s your night?” He asked, keeping step with you.

He didn’t make you slow down or explain yourself. He was just there and you didn’t know if that frightened you or comforted you.

“It’s going.” You laughed dryly. If you were vague enough he might not try to push.

“You were gone for awhile. Were you alone the whole time?”

“For the most part.” Fuck, what about him asking made you want to talk. Why did you slip in anything that would open the door to more questions.

He nodded, keeping his eyes fixed on the path ahead. “You wanna talk about it.”

“No.” You huffed, the weight in your chest pushing out the oxygen you so desperately needed.

“You alright?”

“No.” You surprised yourself with your own honesty. You could have just pretended. You could put on a show for him, make it look like you were recovering just fine. You knew it wouldn’t fool him though.

“Have you been reading anything lately?” You tried to deflect, even if it was a poor attempt.

“Tried, haven’t found anything interesting yet.”

“What about the rest of The Lord of the Rings series?”

“Couldn’t get into it.” He shrugged. He had a thoughtful look on his face, as if he was weighing of pressing or letting you distract yourself would be more harmful. But this wasn’t his cabin, this was regular life. Life where you had to find a way through because there would never be a way out.

“Scout, tell me what you need right now. I know it isn’t my place to ask questions or push you.” He wanted to say that it wasn’t right, he wanted to tell you things should’ve gone down differently, but he couldn’t do that to you. Not without your permission at least. “It might be good to talk about it, but that’s your prerogative.”

“It really fucking sucked. That’s all I can say right now. I need to get to bed though. Tomorrow’s a new day.” You didn’t mean to sound angry. Did you sound angry? Stressed? On the verge of falling apart again so shortly after being put back together?

“Of course. I guess I’ll see you in the briefing tomorrow.”

“Yes, I’ll see you then. Have a goodnight Bucky.” You were formal, you kept your back straight and nodded to him before making your way back to your bed.

You couldn’t sleep and so you didn’t. You swore to yourself you would still get a few hours in but when the birds started chirping to signal a new day, you gave up on that. You were curled into a ball on your bed. Maybe if you cried you would feel better, but you couldn’t. So you stayed in bed until your normal waking hours and went around your morning like it was any other.

When the time came to brief Bucky with the commander, you couldn’t look Bucky in the eyes. You stared at a spot on the commander’s forehead, faking eye contact and confidence. You were told that’s all that was needed for now and you left and you went back to your team.

It was different though. Not really, not to anyone else when you joined them for lunch. Just to you. To you it felt like the conversation and laughter was so fragile. Like one thing could tear apart your whole dynamic of you didn’t keep it together.

So you kept it together. You kept it together for weeks while you were sent on various missions and hid your trepidations. They couldn’t know, no one could know. Sky you kept them all at arm’s length, including Bucky. If you started relying on another person for help, you might get used to it. If you got used to it, it would make it so much harder when they weren’t there anymore.

~~~

It started out slow, at least for you. You started stashing liquor in your room - no one else visited it anyway. You snuck out with your empties, dropping them off in whatever recycling bin that was far enough from the base that no one would connect the dots and close enough you weren’t gone so long. Funny, the same bar whose walls had seen you break down offered a perfect landing spot for every glass bottle that carried your shame in its empty figure.

You were hiding it, and hiding it well. No one noticed, not even Bucky. If he did notice, he didn’t say anything. It was the kind of separation that would either hold you together or tear you apart and you couldn’t tell which it would be yet.

For now, the distance was good. It was so much easier to pretend. You were on time for everything, you were just chatty enough. You were warm and comforting and anything else anybody needed you to be.

Did Bucky think you had taken advantage of his kindness? Use his space to escape and leave once you were better? Was that so bad when compared to letting someone in when that honesty might shatter your composure?

You were getting used to it again. Used to small meals, washed down with the burn of the bottle. You could barely taste it anymore, you could barely feel it anymore. The hangovers became easier to deal with. The nausea was bearable, easy to ignore. Why should you be concerned with your own pain anyways when you were the one causing it?

A particularly volatile night pushed you to quit again. Instead of quieting your mind, the bottle had brought out something ugly. Not ugly in a violent way this time, but ugly in the way of making you spiral.

You did. You stopped just like that. The shame had won and you quit without weaning yourself off. Quit like it was the easiest thing in the world. It was affecting your work and nothing could affect your work.

You could see your hands trembling when you organized reports and you told yourself it was just because you were tired. It didn’t have to do with dropping the liquor. It was something else, it couldn’t be withdrawal.

It lasted maybe a couple days, then something happened, something small enough it wasn’t important but something big enough that it made drinking seem like it was the lesser evil. By the third, you had forgotten what you were so upset about.

Bucky wouldn’t stay away though. He gave you space as often as he could but he saw the bags under your eyes and watched as you withdrew from the world.

You were always in your room when you didn’t have any responsibilities to take care of. He found excuses to interrupt you. Something he had to fill you in, something he had to borrow. Anything to make sure there were at least a few minutes each day that you weren’t alone.

You didn’t want this though. You didn’t want him pushing his way into your life by asking what was wrong. You knew he could tell something was off, but your walls were back up and it was getting easier to lie.

~~~

“Scout?” There was knocking at your door and you rolled over to check your phone. Why was someone bothering you? What gave them a right to knock on your door at this time?

The time that popped up on your screen was enough of an explanation and this wasn’t something you could ignore.

“Oh fuck.” You muttered to yourself, practically jumping out of bed to change. You were already thinking of excuses. You changed faster than you thought yourself capable of and ran to the door.

“Scout,” Bucky nodded to you as your opened the door with a mostly convincing smile on your face. “I just wanted to let you know the meeting was cancelled. Something about new information from outside sources.”

You barely held in a sigh of relief as you nodded in turn. “Yes, I’m so sorry about that.”

“What are you apologizing for?” Bucky raised an eyebrow before creases settled into his forehead and brow. Was he worried? Was he worrried about you?

“I… um… never mind. I’m just tired.”

“Can I come in?”

You wanted to say, wanted to hide the monster you felt that you were turning into. It was too late though, you saw his eyes focus on the empty bottle beside your bed and he slipped in before you could protest.

“It sounds like they want us to meet someone and get them talking by any means necessary.”

“Okay, when do I need to be ready for?” You didn’t dare ask why he was going with you. Ask if anyone else could tell you were drowning.

“I… Scout.” Bucky took a step toward you, gently placing a hand on your shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, of course!” You were too peppy, too obviously trying to hide something. Maybe he had already seen what you were trying to hide, but you could at least try to pretend it wasn’t affecting your life.

“Bullshit.”

“Please Bucky, don’t.” You sighed.

“Listen, I know you don’t want to talk about it. I know you think you’ve got this handled. I still need you to be honest with me. Can you handle this right now?”

“Yes.” You were certain you could. Duty came first, everything else could be pushed aside.

He nodded and never had you been so unnerved by silence.

“Hm.”

Fuck, why couldn’t he just say something? Why couldn’t he berate you so the anticipation would stop building?

“From what I gather, they’re going to be calling us in after lunch. Pack now, be ready by then. They’re trying to keep it under wraps, but it will be easier if you’re ready.”

You nodded then turned away to start packing.

“Scout, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you listen to authority. What’s changed?”

“Oh I don’t see you as an authority, that’s why I respect you.” You joked. You hated how he said your name. Hated how he said it like it mattered and wasn’t some shitty title that you accepted as a prize for being relentless in your pursuit of knowing.

“It isn’t a typical mission. Pack what you need to travel, we’ll have clothes waiting for us when we land.”

“Who’s all going?” You asked, but you already knew the answer. It would just be you two. It would just be torture trying to hide how far you’d fallen this time.

“It’s not solid yet, but you can guess.” He shrugged and turned around. He didn’t want to leave, but his hand left your shoulder reluctantly.

“Bucky.” You breathed, reaching out for his hand despite yourself. It wasn’t professional, it wasn’t something a healthy person did with their coworker. “It will take me about half an hour to get everything sorted. Can you…”

What the fuck were you asking? What gave you the right?

“Can I what?” His reply didn’t sound sharp, just didn’t leave room to deflect. Why was he being this way? Why was he making you vocalize your needs when he knew exactly what you were asking?

“Um, never mind.” It was your turn to shrug and you busied yourself with going through drawers, deciding what you needed to bring.

He had turned around to face you, to watch you rummage through drawers and neatly pile your clothes for the trip on your bed. He stayed as you readied yourself and he didn’t say a thing until you had finished.

“Good to go?” He wasn’t just acting about you suitcase.

“Yeah, whenever we need to.” Your hands were shaking again and you sat on the edge of the bed.

“Can I join you?”

You nodded then slowly slid under the covers as he took your place on the edge.

“Can you please stay?” Your voice was small, pleading. You reached out for him again, resting your hand on his bicep as gently as you could.

“Yes, doll.”

“Can we watch something?”

Bucky nodded and found the remote for your little TV. He waited until you found something you felt was worth watching at the moment.

You found some body horror movie and he didn’t complain one bit about how cheesy it was. You drew the blankets up to your face as you watched. Yes, it was horribly written and disgusting but at least you didn’t have to think. Without thinking, you were entranced by the film and squeezed his hand, giving a gentle pull so he would lay next to you.

He obliged, kicking off his boots and laying down, arms at his sides in an open gesture for you to get closer. You turned your torso towards him, draping a leg over him and resting your head against his chest. You had a brief moment of concern that you had pushed too far, but the warm skin of his right hand met your cheek. You crumbled, letting your full weight sink into him.

His hand slowly moved upward, gently stroking your hair, and you melted into him. His other arm wrapped around your waist and squeezed. Not so tight as to make you feel trapped, just tight enough that you could really feel him there. Feel something outside your body that didn’t make you feel alone.

~~~

***

P.S. Can’t believe I posted two parts in two days! Thank you so much if you got to this part?!?! I have so many ideas now. I love you for listening to my ramblings! I keep looking for a fic that satisfies my very specific need for comfort, but couldn’t find one, so here we are.

#I wrote this on cold medicine and I’m lowkey scared to read it over

17 notes · View notes

andronomenom · 1 month ago

Text

Bruisers Part III: Can I Still be Gentle?

18+ MDNI

Content warnings: addiction, relapse, alcohol, hangover/vomiting, honestly mostly angst, tiny bit of comfort

Word Count ~ 3.8k

Author’s Note: Part three? Two parts in two days? I’m not done with this yet. So much for a one shot.

Not edited, hopefully coherent. Heed the content warnings.

In the rare event that this is worth stealing, I wrote this myself. You do not have permission to copy or repost this without crediting me. I may not know where you live, but I can figure it out.

~~~

It was a few days before you were ready, really ready to return to base. Not something you were looking forward to, but something that you told yourself needed to be done.

It wasn’t all that bad at first. If you just stayed the facts it was almost like it had happened to someone else. You could just be a third party recounting a story, not a character in it.

“Lietnenant, I don’t need to know the time of every event. Tell me what you saw so we can decide whether or not to move in.”

“Good. You have half an hour to get ready. We’ve put this off long enough in your absence.”

You left. This was one of the few times you wouldn’t fight back. It would only make things worse, it would make him apply more terms to the service you so begrudgingly supplied.

~~~

Bucky watched you dart from the commander’s office back to your own room and emerge not ten minutes later dressed in your gear and carrying a rucksack.

“They need to bring back more information before we can do anything. Sit tight, Barnes, and wait for their report.”

~~~

“Sorry.” Why were you apologizing? What about showing any vulnerability made you more nervous than you already were.

“How’s your night?” He asked, keeping step with you.

He didn’t make you slow down or explain yourself. He was just there and you didn’t know if that frightened you or comforted you.

“It’s going.” You laughed dryly. If you were vague enough he might not try to push.

“You were gone for awhile. Were you alone the whole time?”

“For the most part.” Fuck, what about him asking made you want to talk. Why did you slip in anything that would open the door to more questions.

He nodded, keeping his eyes fixed on the path ahead. “You wanna talk about it.”

“No.” You huffed, the weight in your chest pushing out the oxygen you so desperately needed.

“You alright?”

“Have you been reading anything lately?” You tried to deflect, even if it was a poor attempt.

“Tried, haven’t found anything interesting yet.”

“What about the rest of The Lord of the Rings series?”

“Of course. I guess I’ll see you in the briefing tomorrow.”

“Yes, I’ll see you then. Have a goodnight Bucky.” You were formal, you kept your back straight and nodded to him before making your way back to your bed.

~~~

Bucky wouldn’t stay away though. He gave you space as often as he could but he saw the bags under your eyes and watched as you withdrew from the world.

~~~

“Scout?” There was knocking at your door and you rolled over to check your phone. Why was someone bothering you? What gave them a right to knock on your door at this time?

The time that popped up on your screen was enough of an explanation and this wasn’t something you could ignore.

“Oh fuck.” You muttered to yourself, practically jumping out of bed to change. You were already thinking of excuses. You changed faster than you thought yourself capable of and ran to the door.

You barely held in a sigh of relief as you nodded in turn. “Yes, I’m so sorry about that.”

“What are you apologizing for?” Bucky raised an eyebrow before creases settled into his forehead and brow. Was he worried? Was he worrried about you?

“I… um… never mind. I’m just tired.”

“Can I come in?”

“It sounds like they want us to meet someone and get them talking by any means necessary.”

“Okay, when do I need to be ready for?” You didn’t dare ask why he was going with you. Ask if anyone else could tell you were drowning.

“I… Scout.” Bucky took a step toward you, gently placing a hand on your shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Bullshit.”

“Please Bucky, don’t.” You sighed.

“Listen, I know you don’t want to talk about it. I know you think you’ve got this handled. I still need you to be honest with me. Can you handle this right now?”

“Yes.” You were certain you could. Duty came first, everything else could be pushed aside.

He nodded and never had you been so unnerved by silence.

“Hm.”

Fuck, why couldn’t he just say something? Why couldn’t he berate you so the anticipation would stop building?

“From what I gather, they’re going to be calling us in after lunch. Pack now, be ready by then. They’re trying to keep it under wraps, but it will be easier if you’re ready.”

You nodded then turned away to start packing.

“Scout, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you listen to authority. What’s changed?”

“It isn’t a typical mission. Pack what you need to travel, we’ll have clothes waiting for us when we land.”

“Who’s all going?” You asked, but you already knew the answer. It would just be you two. It would just be torture trying to hide how far you’d fallen this time.

“It’s not solid yet, but you can guess.” He shrugged and turned around. He didn’t want to leave, but his hand left your shoulder reluctantly.

What the fuck were you asking? What gave you the right?

“Can I what?” His reply didn’t sound sharp, just didn’t leave room to deflect. Why was he being this way? Why was he making you vocalize your needs when he knew exactly what you were asking?

“Um, never mind.” It was your turn to shrug and you busied yourself with going through drawers, deciding what you needed to bring.

“Good to go?” He wasn’t just acting about you suitcase.

“Yeah, whenever we need to.” Your hands were shaking again and you sat on the edge of the bed.

“Can I join you?”

You nodded then slowly slid under the covers as he took your place on the edge.

“Can you please stay?” Your voice was small, pleading. You reached out for him again, resting your hand on his bicep as gently as you could.

“Yes, doll.”

“Can we watch something?”

Bucky nodded and found the remote for your little TV. He waited until you found something you felt was worth watching at the moment.

~~~

***

#bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes comfort #bucky barnes x reader #hurt/comfort #sebastian stan #bucky barnes #marvel

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andronomenom · 1 month ago

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Getting back into writing is fun because I get to open my notes app to look for old ideas and see a note I made at 2 AM on a Tuesday just titled “The Many Faced God” with zero context.

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andronomenom · 1 month ago

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Bruisers Part II

18+ MDNI

Content warnings: addiction, relapse, alcohol, hangover/vomiting, honestly mostly angst, tiny bit of comfort

Word Count ~ 2k

Author’s Note: Part two I guess? Also an attempt at dialogue has been made. Is it good? Who knows? (Doubtful) Not edited, hopefully coherent. Heed the content warnings.

In the rare event that this is worth stealing, I wrote this myself. You do not have permission to copy or repost this without crediting me. I may not know where you live, but I can figure it out.

~~~

When you awoke in the morning there was a gentle glow of sunlight cascading over your body. A golden glow you had long forgotten the feeling of. The warmth spread over your body. There was a peace in your chest, something the quiet breathing from across the room only added to. You heard a gentle rustling, something without a source you could place or worry about for the moment. For some reason you didn’t feel the need to worry about at the moment. Right now all you could care about was the warmth of the sun, the breath of air the breeze blew into the trees and that steady rhythm of heartbeat and inhales and exhales from somewhere behind you.

The night you left behind felt a little distant now, a little more okay. Something you weren’t proud of, but something you could move away from.

As you laid on your side, basking in the peace you had finally met, the memories slowly came back. Not all at once, not all there at all. But, there were glimpses. Glimpses into the shameless rage that had consumed you not six hours ago. You let yourself be, if only for just a moment, before you willed yourself to turn over, to accept what was. And, what was at the moment was a room that you didn’t quite recognize, but one that didn’t bring you fear. Even the walls of the room you called home couldn’t bring the comfort of this moment, this place.

Bucky stood in the kitchen, if that’s what you could call it, not separated by walls but simply an addition to the living space you occupied. He turned to look at you, but didn’t say a thing. You were grateful for the silence, grateful for not having to pretend, and so grateful that he didn’t look at you with pity or hate. He was pouring a cup of coffee, such a simple thing, but something you weren’t used to being so unhurried. A part of you felt anxiety stirring, but you remembered his words to you last night. ‘You don’t have to worry about anything.’

Whatever else happened didn’t matter at the moment, and then, the first words of the morning passed your lips.

“Thank you.”

Bucky nodded, then looked down at the mug he was filling.

“Would you like a cup?”

“Yeah, if you don’t mind.” You started to feel the shame again, started to feel guilty. Guilty not only for your actions the night before, not only for leading your team into danger when your instincts told you to do otherwise, but shame for even accepting such kindness. You managed to sit up, then the room was spinning. What were once gentle dapples of light were doubled, then sent sideways and up. Fuck. Here it was. You could delay it for that brief moment between sleep and waking, but now the bile leaked into your mouth. You could taste every ounce of alcohol and regret you had swallowed the night before and it would no longer stay down.

You ran to the bathroom, head hanging over the toilet now, sweat dripping down your forehead as you vomited every bit of bile, and dry heaving when there was nothing left for your body to purge. You could barely feel the ache in your hands as you gripped the seat for some semblance of stability.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered, so quiet you weren’t sure he could hear it. He did though, and he shook his head.

“Stop.”

One word that was both stern and blunt, and knocked what little air there was left out of your lungs. You didn’t expect him to be so close, but you could feel him standing over you. Not offering a hand up or any comfort, just there. Could you sense disappointment in his tone or was it just something you expected?

You slowly sat back so you were kneeling, then slowly stood. You flushed the toilet and moved to the sink to wash your mouth out, Bucky standing in the doorway the entire time. You didn’t dare meet his eyes, it was all too shameful and you couldn’t stand the thought of anyone knowing this part of you.

You accidentally met his eyes in the mirror and you could feel your heart pounding against the walls of your chest.

“Scout.”

Fuck. You didn’t want this. You didn’t want the lecture or the advice that was sure to come. But it didn’t come. There was just silence as you slowly worked up the courage to look at him again.

“We don’t need to talk about it right now. Get some rest, I’ve gotta go for a bit.” His words were a welcome relief - stern, but not unkind.

As you watched Bucky leave, you gathered the strength to get back to the bed. Your head was pounding with the same force your heart had been, and you still felt nauseous. You couldn’t tell if you were going to be sick again or just needed more sleep. You opted to try the latter and slowly made your way back to bed, the room spinning as you did so.

Crawling back into bed you noticed a glass of water left on the dresser. It was a small gesture, and yet, you didn’t expect this or know how to accept it… this kindness. Did you really deserve it?

Before more questions could bubble up, another wave of nausea hit and you reached for the water, chugging it before laying back down to sleep.

The day went on like this. Wake up feeling like you were going to die of thirst. Get up. Fill your glass in the sink. Drink. Fall back asleep.

~~~

It was early evening when Bucky you heard Bucky’s motorcycle approaching and you were still laying in bed. He had a few groceries in tow and some of your clothing from the base.

“Hey, doing any better?” He asked, putting away the food and setting your clothes at the end of the bed. He moved like it was normal, moved like he hadn’t watched you fall apart and try to take someone with you.

“Yes, much.” You weren’t completely lying, but ‘much’ was an embellishment. You had to pull yourself back together, figure out how to put a smile back on your face that was at least half convincing. You had to be the you that was expected and you couldn’t let him see anymore of your weakness.

“Hm.”

“I think I’m good to go back to the base. I’m sorry about last night, it was unacceptable and I’m so grateful for all your kindness, but I have to get back to normal. It won’t happen again.” The words sounded rehearsed and for the most part they were. It was instinct. Self flagellate before anyone else could lecture you and move on like it never happened.

“I can’t keep you here. Whenever you’re ready to go, say the word. Are you ready though?”

His words hit harder than expected. Were you ready to go or was that just something you told yourself? Did you just need to get back to normal? Was there even a normal to get back to with your current state of mind?

“You don’t have to answer that right now. Eat something, we can go from there.”

You nodded and slowly made your way to the kitchen, grabbing whatever looked the most likely to stay down. The food wouldn’t stop the guilt gnawing at your stomach, but at least it would help quell the burning of acid. You ate in silence, curled in on yourself as you sat against the headboard. Bucky didn’t push, just ate his own meal and stared out the window while you stared at your hands.

“Where did you grow up?” He asked, breaking the silence in such a casual manner.

“I… What?” You were stunned by the question, it felt so out of place. “I don’t really talk about that.”

You tried to laugh and he shrugged.

“Fine, I’ll go first.”

As Bucky told you about his life, your mind shifted from the shame you felt to something comforting. Maybe you weren’t committing acts of violence because someone was making you, but his stories rang of the same possessed feeling that came over you when the world became too much to bear. It was shocking how open he was. He seemed like a man of few words and your few short interactions prior to this day had done nothing to convince you otherwise. Still he talked, you listened, he answered your questions and it almost felt normal.

The sun set through the trees and the conversation lapsed. You were finally feeling the tension leave your body and before long you felt sleep ready to overtake you.

Bucky took notice and stood up, raising his brows.

“Ready to go kid?”

The question made you laugh, a real laugh. Not loud or long, but still there.

“Kid? I don’t think we’re that far off in age. Maybe technically but biologically it can’t be much.”

“Sure kid. You didn’t answer my question.”

You rolled your eyes at him, letting out a quiet scoff.

“I think I want to stay here for a little longer, if that’s alright.” You answered quietly, voice soft, vulnerable. “But you don’t need to stay. I’m sure you have shit to do and you don’t need to keep me entertained.”

“I’ll stay as long as you’ll have me. I don’t think you should be alone right now.”

Fuck, there it was again. The feeling that you were stripped naked in front of him, every flaw on display. There was something so embarrassing about him noticing that you weren’t okay. And you couldn’t lie to him. You didn’t have the energy to put in a brave face. So you just thanked him and settled in under the covers and tried to ignore the shame.

~~~

You didn’t remember falling back asleep, but you must have. The sun was rising with the birds announcing its arrival. You were more confident in your surroundings, in this little hideaway where you could learn to let yourself breathe again. Bucky was already up, reading a book in his chair.

“Good morning. I didn’t take you for the type.” You gestured to the copy of The Hobbit he was reading as you yawned and sat up.

“You didn’t think I could read?”

“No, no, not that.” You backpedaled, searching your tired brain for the correct phrasing. “Just the genre. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t fantasy.”

He looked amused by how flustered you were and set the book down, leaning back with a small smile on his lips. “Sure. Coffee?”

You nodded, sitting up and stretching then wincing as you flexed your hands. You had been too occupied with recovering from your hangover to notice the bruises yesterday.

Bucky’s eyes flickered to the bruises that had continued to bloom over the last day and you were desperate for anything to distract him.

“I’ve gotta say, this does feel a little bit like a kidnapping situation. I barely know where I am and I’m completely reliant on you for a way out of here.” You prayed this would be enough to shift the conversation away from the pain before it even got there.

“I thought your job was figuring that kind of thing out.” Bucky thought he was being funny, but he instantly regretted his words when your breathing hitched.

“Yeah, something like that.” You stood up before he could apologize, before you started spouting about how you had fucked up, how you had let your team down and lead them into danger.

“You got them out y’know.”

“Barely.” You breathed, busying yourself with making a cup of coffee and half hoping he hadn’t heard you.

“You got them out.” He repeated, voice a little stern now.

“Yeah.”

“Scout, everyone came back in one piece. Sometimes that’s all you can ask for.”

~~~

***

OMG?!? If you’re reading this, that means you got to the end and I love you for that. Please forgive any typos or stupidity, I have not slept. This definitely feels like there will be a part three but I make no promises. I don’t even know where it’s going yet.

#bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes comfort #sebastian stan #bucky fanfic

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andronomenom · 1 month ago

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Trying to write a part two but goddamn the second hand shame is intense

Bruisers

18+ MDNI

Content warnings: addiction, relapse, alcohol, so much angst, SA, violence, blood, panic attacks, eventually comfort

Word Count ~ 3k

Author’s Note: I have not written a one shot in forever, let alone finished one. This came out wayyyy darker than initially intended. Not edited, hopefully coherent. Heed the content warnings.

Bucky Barnes x Reader, not even remotely canon so don’t come at me, reader and Bucky have been posted at a military base together but have no established friendship, no use of Y/N, reader is referred to as nickname “Scout”, no assigned gender. Reader relapses, gets violent, Bucky intervenes.

In the rare event that this is worth stealing, I wrote this myself. You do not have permission to copy or repost this without crediting me.

~~~

It had been a terrible day. God awful in fact and there wasn’t a damn thing anyone could do to fix it. You couldn’t yell at the people who pissed you off and they had too much control to make filing a complaint even a remote possibility. Maybe if ‘upper management’ had their shit together you wouldn’t have had five team members, including yourself taking psychic damage on what was supposed to be a research outing, but they weren’t the ones to pick a fight with.

It somehow added to the anger that you had tried so hard to be optimistic. All sunshine and rainbows despite having slept for less than three hours and waking up mid panic attack. You had to be positive for your team, tell them they were all doing their best and were going to do amazing. You don’t know if you really believed it, but you had to at least try.

And yet, at the end of the day, you were the one breaking down. You kept it together on the ride back to the base. Told everyone “it is what it is” and there wasn’t any point worrying about it now, told yourself now wasn’t the time to think about it, process it, accept that it had happened.

So now, with everyone else gone and hopefully coping, you were going to find your own way to cope. You had been good so good leading up to the mission and it still fell apart. So, what was the hurt in a little indulgence?

You made your way to the nearest city, booked a hotel for the night and settled in. It started with a glass of wine, just one to take the edge off. Then another, then the bottle was dry and you wanted to go out. Maybe dance a bit, play some pool, and make temporary friends with strangers.

And you did, you did go out. You found a bar, one that was just clean enough not to be called a dive bar and set your sights on a mindless night of enjoyment.

The night was going smoothly, you were buying drinks for strangers and they were doing the same for you in return. You lost every game of pool you played and that was okay because you expected that. You could almost say you were having fun, as long as you didn’t think about it too hard.

~~~

Bucky’s day had been decent. A rare day off with no plans and no upcoming missions to plan for. He felt good, good enough to socialize. Well maybe not socialize but at least be in the company of others. He took advantage of the sun in the sky and walked the perimeter of the base breathing in the fresh air. He took notice of your team returning to the base hours later than planned, looking a little worse for wear but smiling and joking. He watched you confidently reassuring them, embracing each member and telling them to take care of themselves. He wasn’t exactly eavesdropping, his hearing was just impeccable and he happened to be walking by when you all returned. Maybe he did slow his gait, but he had no need to rush. He could at least, admit to himself, that you had always been intriguing to him.

Bucky was planning on finishing his lap and retreating to his room to rest in the comforting silence, but as he watched you, he saw your smile falter. He didn’t exactly know you well, he didn’t even know your real name. “Scout” was what everyone called you and he didn’t speak to you enough to worry beyond that. He knew you lead the research team that frequently scouted routes for future missions. He overheard your constant words of encouragement to your team and he knew although you were in charge, you treated everyone as equals. In briefings you would talk about your findings while crediting every member. You could be considered “soft” or “sensitive” but you weren’t afraid to call bullshit if you thought your team was being put at risk.

That morning had been one of those times. The commander of your regiment called you and Bucky in for an urgent meeting just after midnight. An island about a thousand kilometres from the base you were stationed at needed to be scouted, and it needed to be done now.

“I have no problem getting my team ready and on a plane, but we at least need to know what we’re looking for.” You said. You knew just as well as Bucky did that there was no point asking why you were both being pulled in for this meeting.

Bucky had to turn his gaze to the floor to hide the smirk that tugged at his lips. It would never cease to entertain him, watching someone speak so bluntly to their commander, especially someone from what was considered a “lesser” unit.

“You know it isn’t your place to ask questions. I tell you to scout, you do so, and bring back your findings.” The commander shot back, a displeased scowl settled on his face.

“I’m not trying to pry information from you. I know what our job is, I just need to know how to prepare. You know our unit doesn’t specialize in combat and you’re sending us on an urgent scouting mission which implies there is something dangerous coming or already there.” You replied firmly, seemingly unphased by his frustration.

“Just be on your toes then. Do your job and do it quickly. Take a look around, get a map of the terrain and make notes on anything interesting that you find.” The commander was obviously getting riled up as he spoke to you and he wasn’t leaving any room for argument. “Is that a problem lieutenant?”

“Not at all, but I’m telling you, I don’t like it. And, if anyone on my team gets hurt then we definitely will have a problem.” You spun around, not waiting for a reply and strode out of the building, not waiting to be dismissed.

Bucky finally met the commander’s gaze, fighting the urge to laugh. You never seemed to have respect for authority, but you got the job done and did so well. So well that there were certain things you could get away with.

“Sergeant Barnes.” The commander nodded at him. “While their unit handles this, you just sit back and relax. If they bring back anything useful, you’ll know where to go and who to ask if any intel needs clarification. It could be nothing, but Scout will be your partner if we need to take a look ourselves. Got it?”

Bucky gave a quick nod, waiting to hear “dismissed” before heading back to his own lodgings.

With that exchange replaying in his mind he felt and twinge of worry while watching you dismiss your team. He knew that look, he’d seen it in the eyes of many commanding officers. That look that flickered across their face when shit hit the fan but they didn’t have the luxury of crashing out.

Before Bucky could decide if it was the time to pull you aside and ask if everything was alright, you were moving. You were on the way to the commander’s office and he knew better than to follow.

He saw you leave the base later that night. You had what looked to be an overnight bag flung over your shoulder. The commander had informed Bucky that he would be briefed by you and the commander the following day. The commander had given him a vague warning not to broach the subject with you until that time.

Bucky may not have known you well, but your return to the base plagued his mind. Something about the way you loaded yourself into your car had him worried. He let the feeling ruminate until he couldn’t help himself anymore and decided to make his way to the nearest town.

It wasn’t hard to find you, but it was hard for Bucky to convince himself that he wasn’t trying to find you. The town was small, kitschy almost with all the boutiques that lined the main drag. At this time, there was only one thing left open which was, of course, the local pub. He parked his motorcycle in the lot behind the bar, hesitating for a second before he dismounted. What was he doing here? Who was he to think of you were here that you would want his company? His concern for you outweighed his pride and he made his way to the building.

~~~

Your night started to feel like it was tinged with something bitter. Maybe it was the liquor or the guilt you were trying to drown with it. Or maybe, it was the loud asshole who had decided to make the bar his hunting grounds for the night. Every move he made was predatory - from the way he leaned in just a little too close when giving the bartender his order to the way his gaze lingered a little too long on every ass that caught his attention.

No, other factors may have been at play, but right now, this asshole was definitely the one ruining your buzz. And when he had the courage to stand behind you, arms reaching around to “help” you angle the pool stick, and you could feel his dick pressing against your ass, you finally had someone you could get mad at. Someone you could fight back against with few consequences. You were in your civilian garb, you had given anyone who asked some bullshit name to call you by, and no one who mattered was here to tell you no. To top it all off, you were too drunk to give a shit.

Bucky entered just as you had decided to let yourself go. He saw the man leaning over you, the way your entire body had tensed and then what almost looked like a smile come to your lips. Bucky didn’t like that look, he knew it only meant trouble.

You slowly stood upright, taking in a deep breath as the man continued to lean into you, any precedent of helping you with your game had long been forgotten. He had left you just enough room to turn around and you did so, a sweet smile on your face. And then, you shoved him. You took the pool cue and held the tip against his chest, eyebrow cocked in bitter amusement.

“I’m sorry, what were you trying there?” You asked, voice somehow soft despite the rage burning inside your chest.

“You bitch!” He spat and that was all it took to make you lose all control.

You were barely aware of what you were doing, something primal controlling your body as you kneed him in the groin. When he bent over in pain, you met his chin with an uppercut. All you could hear was your own heartbeat thudding in your ears, your only goal to make this man pay for what he was trying to do to you, what he had probably already done to countless others who weren’t able to defend themselves.

You were straddling his chest now, you couldn’t remember how you got to the floor. Your fists were beating against his face and you couldn’t tell if the blood was from your own knuckles, his bruised face or the shards of glass from a fallen beer glass that you were effectively kneeling in. And then, there were hands. Big hands on your shoulders pulling you up and away from the man lying on the floor. As you struggled to move forward, back towards the man who dared to touch you, arms came around you. Their grasp was too strong to escape and as you spotted the glint of metal between a gloved hand and leather jacket you knew whose hands these were. Suddenly, you were too aware of where you were and what you were doing. You stopped fighting back, tried to find anywhere to look other than the faces of the bar patrons, most importantly other than the man you had let loose on.

You didn’t know what Bucky said to the workers and patrons, why police cruisers weren’t racing to the bar. You were vaguely aware that you were on the back of Bucky’s bike and headed back to the base. Somehow, the guards didn’t question the state you were returning in and you were back “home.”

“Scout. Scout, I need you to look at me.”

You weren’t breathing right, you could feel your body shaking, and you couldn’t get your eyes to focus.

“Hey, if you can’t look at me I need you to at least tell me where you are.”

You gasped, the stupor of rage and alcohol beginning to lift. That voice, that was Bucky’s voice. And you were… somewhere on base? His room?

“I’m here.” You tried to laugh but it came out shaky as you slowly began to remember what had unfolded that night.

“Do you know where ‘here’ is?” Bucky asked. His voice was steady and with each passing moment you were becoming more and more aware of where you were. Aware of the fact Bucky was crouched down beside you with a look that you could only describe as concern etched on his face.

“I’m… I’m sitting on the ground. I… I think this is your room?” You could barely get the words out as your breath came in ragged gasps.

“Okay, good. Do you remember how you got here?”

“I… I uh…” Your breathing was fast, so fast, and it didn’t feel like you could get any air in your lungs.

“Okay, okay, don’t worry about that right now. I need to get you cleaned up. Can I do that for you?”

“Um… yeah?” You didn’t know what else to say, how to tell him you didn’t quite grasp why you needed to be cleaned up.

It didn’t seem to matter whether or not you understood right now. Bucky was gone, and then he was back, cleaning and bandaging your bloody knuckles, pulling shards of broken glass from your arms and dousing the cuts with antiseptic.

By the time he was done, you were all too conscious. Your buzz had faded and you could feel the guilt stirring in your chest. You finally started to take in your surroundings. This may have been Bucky’s room, but it certainly wasn’t on the base.

“Uh… Bucky?” You whispered, reaching out for his hand as he resumed his position crouching beside you on the floor. “I know I’m in this room… cottage maybe? But it isn’t familiar. Why did you bring me here? Why did you come looking for me in the first place? Why are you still here?”

Bucky let out a deep sigh, like he’d been waiting for you to connect with reality.

“We’re in a safehouse… well sorta. It’s a cottage I found years ago and cleaned up. It’s where I come to get away when everything gets to be too much.” He explained, eyes surveying your face before he continued. “I saw something in you when you got back from your scouting assignment. It scared me.”

Before you could ask if you scared him, he kept talking.

“For a minute there, you looked like you were about to fall apart. Then you put a smile on your face and went about your evening. When you left, well, I thought you were either looking for trouble or it had already found you. Also, it’s my cottage, that’s why I’m here. And I want you here so you can work through whatever the hell happened today.”

“Fuck…” You were hyperventilating now, every shitty thing that had happened swirling around your head and it was so overwhelming.

“Hey, Scout, look at me.”

You finally met his eyes, and then it came. The thing you had been trying to avoid by drowning it in booze or getting angry at things you could put a name to. You started sobbing and when you reached out for his other hand, he instead put his arms around you. You accepted his embrace and cried into his shoulder until you didn’t have anymore tears left.

You pulled your face away from his shoulder, feeling a little emptier now, but not in a bad way. Empty like you had let out everything you could and now all you felt was tired.

“How are you feeling now?” He asked, with a baffling amount of warmth and kindness.

“Better, I think?”

“Better is enough for now. I brought you here so you can stay for awhile if you’d like, clear your mind, get away from everything. You don’t have to worry about anything on the base, I’ve made a couple calls and as far as the commander knows, you’ve had a family emergency. What would you like to do?” Bucky hasn’t moved an inch, waiting for you to decide.

“I think I want to stay… but…” You took a deep breath and your next words came out more like a plea. “Can you stay with me?”

“If that’s what you want, I will.”

“Thank you.”

“Anytime, doll.”

He finally pulled away from you, standing to rummage through a dresser door and returning with some comfortable clothes and a towel.

“If you want, you can have a shower and get changed. There’s hot water and everything.” He laughed.

“Yes, thank you.”

You didn’t know how long you were in the shower but you did know that you were safe the whole time. When you returned to the main room of the cottage, the bed was made up for you and Bucky sat in an old armchair, staring into the flames of the fireplace.

You crawled into bed, wrapping yourself in the sheets and taking in the smell of cedar that seemed to permeate everything in the cottage now that you were attached to reality again.

“Sleep doll, I’ll be right here if you need me.”

“Thank you Bucky, good night.”

With that, you drifted off into a dreamless sleep, comforted knowing Bucky was watching over you.

~~~

If you got this far OMG thanks for reading. I did not read this over so hopefully it is semi decent? Something sparked the creative urge in me and maybeee I’ll make this a series? Who knows.

#bucky x reader

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andronomenom · 2 months ago

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why must a fic be "finished" is it not enough for it to be lovingly daydreamed over a period of 6 months.

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andronomenom · 2 months ago

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i wish you guys could read the amazing fic i haven't written and probably will never write, it's fire

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andronomenom · 2 months ago

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Reblog to give the person you reblogged from the ability to finish their WIPs

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andronomenom · 2 months ago

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Bruisers

18+ MDNI

Content warnings: addiction, relapse, alcohol, so much angst, SA, violence, blood, panic attacks, eventually comfort

Word Count ~ 3k

Author’s Note: I have not written a one shot in forever, let alone finished one. This came out wayyyy darker than initially intended. Not edited, hopefully coherent. Heed the content warnings.

Bucky Barnes x Reader, not even remotely canon so don’t come at me, reader and Bucky have been posted at a military base together but have no established friendship, no use of Y/N, reader is referred to as nickname “Scout”, no assigned gender. Reader relapses, gets violent, Bucky intervenes.

In the rare event that this is worth stealing, I wrote this myself. You do not have permission to copy or repost this without crediting me.

~~~

And you did, you did go out. You found a bar, one that was just clean enough not to be called a dive bar and set your sights on a mindless night of enjoyment.

~~~

“You know it isn’t your place to ask questions. I tell you to scout, you do so, and bring back your findings.” The commander shot back, a displeased scowl settled on his face.

Bucky gave a quick nod, waiting to hear “dismissed” before heading back to his own lodgings.

Before Bucky could decide if it was the time to pull you aside and ask if everything was alright, you were moving. You were on the way to the commander’s office and he knew better than to follow.

~~~

“I’m sorry, what were you trying there?” You asked, voice somehow soft despite the rage burning inside your chest.

“You bitch!” He spat and that was all it took to make you lose all control.

“Scout. Scout, I need you to look at me.”

You weren’t breathing right, you could feel your body shaking, and you couldn’t get your eyes to focus.

“Hey, if you can’t look at me I need you to at least tell me where you are.”

You gasped, the stupor of rage and alcohol beginning to lift. That voice, that was Bucky’s voice. And you were… somewhere on base? His room?

“I’m here.” You tried to laugh but it came out shaky as you slowly began to remember what had unfolded that night.

“I’m… I’m sitting on the ground. I… I think this is your room?” You could barely get the words out as your breath came in ragged gasps.

“Okay, good. Do you remember how you got here?”

“I… I uh…” Your breathing was fast, so fast, and it didn’t feel like you could get any air in your lungs.

“Okay, okay, don’t worry about that right now. I need to get you cleaned up. Can I do that for you?”

“Um… yeah?” You didn’t know what else to say, how to tell him you didn’t quite grasp why you needed to be cleaned up.

Bucky let out a deep sigh, like he’d been waiting for you to connect with reality.

Before you could ask if you scared him, he kept talking.

“Fuck…” You were hyperventilating now, every shitty thing that had happened swirling around your head and it was so overwhelming.

“Hey, Scout, look at me.”

You pulled your face away from his shoulder, feeling a little emptier now, but not in a bad way. Empty like you had let out everything you could and now all you felt was tired.

“How are you feeling now?” He asked, with a baffling amount of warmth and kindness.

“Better, I think?”

“I think I want to stay… but…” You took a deep breath and your next words came out more like a plea. “Can you stay with me?”

“If that’s what you want, I will.”

“Thank you.”

“Anytime, doll.”

He finally pulled away from you, standing to rummage through a dresser door and returning with some comfortable clothes and a towel.

“If you want, you can have a shower and get changed. There’s hot water and everything.” He laughed.

“Yes, thank you.”

You crawled into bed, wrapping yourself in the sheets and taking in the smell of cedar that seemed to permeate everything in the cottage now that you were attached to reality again.

“Sleep doll, I’ll be right here if you need me.”

“Thank you Bucky, good night.”

With that, you drifted off into a dreamless sleep, comforted knowing Bucky was watching over you.

~~~

If you got this far OMG thanks for reading. I did not read this over so hopefully it is semi decent? Something sparked the creative urge in me and maybeee I’ll make this a series? Who knows.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes comfort #bucky barnes angst #bucky one shot #comfort fic #sebastian stan #bucky fanfic

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