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[andsoshespeaks]

transcend beyond mundane perceptions. revel into a doorway of collective acquisition and divine introspection through art , feel it in ur heart♥️

[andsoshespeaks]

I just want to hold everyone. It hurts so much. I want to see the damage unwinded upon such beautiful souls. Maybe I’m just projecting because I long to feel safe in another. I know it’s silly as I am the catalyst to my healing but as much as I hate to admit it, I just wanna be held and not anticipate being abused again.

[andsoshespeaks]

memories, they haunt me.

although, I cannot let it stop me or give into unhealthy coping mechanisms. no longer, will I punish myself for how fate has punished me.

from the beginning of my time here, I have been traumatised and left for dead by what I thought was blood.

the same for my first love and ex best friend, I have known nothing but betrayal and pain so it seems. my eyes used to gleam but it was taken from me. stolen. robbed from innocence, I have been led astray to a path of destruction and incredible despair I could never wish on anybody- not even those I despise.

it breaks me and often I fall but I refuse to sink any deeper. I will not let these monsters rob my future from me. I know I can heal. I know I can. that’s why I’ve returned to this vent blog to share my uttermost intense thoughts and feelings.

onwards to healing.

[andsoshespeaks]

29.04.24 2:23AM

i love writing letters i love finally being able to journal again i love this aliveness i feel the sun now i feel the moon i feel fucking everything and i love leaving little notes in the morning by the bed i love waking up without dread i love when you’re in my head i love that i was never dead for all the shit you said simply led onto something i’m proud to have bled for ,,,

[andsoshespeaks]

24.02 coming home to self

it's rather odd isn't it? waking up to your reality and realising the part you play in it. i have never felt so within myself this past week or two after experiencing such recent heartache in my life.. i truly find it so strange what moves me. and it's rather hopeless in the sense , my pursuit for oneness.. seeking it outside of myself when it was within this entire time. as i heal i realise i heal my lineage and the days to come. no more stormy clouds ahead, i can finally see the glimmers of light warming my being. sobriety hasn't been easy but i can't say running away from it all was the best choice. i let go of instant gratification and masking through substances, i welcome wholeheartedly my own innate humanity. we are here to feel. honour that. i will ride along these waves, no longer against. soul retrieval

[andsoshespeaks]

lately, I awake with a particular but subtle light to my eyes. I look forward to the days. 💕

[andsoshespeaks]

it’s strange, isn’t it?

seeing the one who has taught you that you can both spite and adore simultaneously . almost like the two are the same, huh. the one who has had an incredible influence on your life from even before you were born & on those surrounding you until the end of time..

I can’t explain what emotions come to my mind when I look at you, Ama. to watch you dwindle ever so casually between suicidality & practicality pains me because I realise how I’m just like you as much as I hate to admit it. Ma’s right, I really am just like you. I wish you were stable. I wish we were safe. decades of criminal chaos, erratic endeavours, sickening abuse & isolation stand against my wishful thinking. I sure can dream, right? Continue to cope by escaping painful truths lost in what ifs?

It’s strange. I remember this feeling. I can feel my heart in my chest deteriorating. I feel the tension of the tears awaiting to fall. Yet no tears ever come. Hell, it’s been months. Can’t really tell if I’m alive these days. I can no longer find reason to accept my blood’s treason. Beneath all of these distractions and mindless gambles, I find that I am struck with grief. But hell, aren’t we all lost in some tragedy?

[andsoshespeaks]

yesterday I was brooding & cursing the heavens

now I’m just sprawled on my bed peering up at the clouds feeling as if I’m in a dream.

my heart feels so soft & I am met with the warm embrace of my sheets. comfort. relief. it’s so rejuvenating to not think & think & think. I’ve realised how often I dream about it all going wrong- why is that?

I was never much of a pessimist by nature. or was I? I don’t recall my childhood & it pains me because it’s where I am meant to find my purpose, what gives me strength yet I am left with black fragments after I left brisbane. what happened? why am I so damn guarded?

[andsoshespeaks]

reflecting a little. a year ago, around this time- I left a really bad place & space to live with one of my best friends in this beat down house. this took almost a year of going back and forth in my mind & I pulled through- I was going to go back & I’m so happy I stood my ground and stayed put. I was so afraid at first but deep down I knew greater than fear that this was how I was going to change my life and step into who I am. It was hard at first. I couldn’t sleep for weeks after sleeping aside someone for so long so I burnt green and would stay up writing my pain away. but then I dabbled in self medicating beyond cannabis and into the deteriation of the spirit. this is what I consider my dark night of the soul. this is where I became incredibly ill psychologically once again. my mind was in survival mode: sleep, starvation, self-injury or substances. self destruction was all I knew. I couldn’t admit to anyone nor myself I was depressed & slipping up so I continued to numb with what I could but you see, I took it way too far. I always had to take chemical alteration to the extremes & I danced with death so many times. my heart has stopped beating more times I can count, I’ll never forget the feeling of dread but comfort once your body betrays you. uncomfortably numb.

& here I am, months later: burning green and making amends for the things I’ve seen. I ain’t even gon lie, I am still in a lot of pain but I’ve gained respect for myself enough to no longer hurt myself so cruelly. along the way, I’ve met some incredible people who make me think- maybe the world ain’t so bad after all.

[andsoshespeaks]

homesick [jan 2020]

know it ain’t right to still love the one who pulled that very knife yet i can’t help but look up to you despite this troublesome spite

still, i hope you end up holding it down somehow, somewhere even if i ain’t there

cause i can’t seem to help this stupid frown to know that you’ve left me once more for a life i could neva adore

ain’t shy to admit these vices but they should’ve stayed in the past cause i know i ain’t going to last, only got a few more years left maybe thas why i jus keep burning the spliff even thou ion like to admit it, yeah i still hit it but i been tryna quit it

maybe you were right some things are better left unsaid running from ur fears only seems to bring those you love to tears look at you, stuck in the ends with your so-called friends fam till you ain’t got no more grams you’d be surprised what some would do for them rubber bands

all these different drugs n plugs u always been one to mix match consequences like whiplash cause you took my cash n dashed but blame it all on these potions, yeah my friends all told me it would go like this but i didn’t want to believe them, never been one to accept my own blood’s treason

nightmares, i keep waking up in a cold sweat beggin you to come n take me outta my head so i been lookin to all these lost souls tryna find reason but i still can’t help but see ur face when i picture my happy place soldier thru tell myself this is fate but it ain’t normal to daydream bout grippin the thing that will send me on my very way if only u stayed it wouldn’t b this way so i’m jus learning how to take it by the day

so jus know that karma has been tryna harm ya instead i’ll jus take these kalmas tonight praying that perhaps in another lifetime, we’ll get it right so sick of the fights, yea i know two wrongs don’t make a right always been one to kno there’s a fine line between love and spite .

so come along now don’t hesitate all i wanna see is ur face one last time before i accept my fate never belonged to this place so maybe thas why i been fadin till i’m lost in outta space so don’t even bother coz it’s too late.