andthentheresthiskid

[andthentheresthiskid]

You really need to make non-tragic past for your characters, significant people and events that impacted their lives, non-dramatic mundane moments that shaped them, happy memories, bitter memories, embarrassing memories.

Like yes the space princess lost her whole civilization, but did she have friends before that? Favorite place? Does she miss the sound of her favorite music she use to listen to?

[andthentheresthiskid]

Dealing with feelings of jealousy. My best friend in the world has another friend. It isn't a bad thing and I know it's not but also I'm in a weird headspace because I haven't been in my usual physical location and I opened up about past trauma in therapy so I've been feeling bad this week and havent felt comfortable talking to her because her other friend is in the chat and I'm not in the basement and it sucks because she is the main person I talk to about this stuff. I have opened up to people in the past and it ended up hurting me so I am reluctant to trust people with trauma stuff. I know this is all a sign I need more friends but that's always been difficult for me even before trauma so I don't even know how to do it. Incredible topic for therapy tomorrow I guess but I'm trying to write it down somewhere rather than letting it fester. Also trying to actually feel my feelings which sucks!!

[andthentheresthiskid]

it has been a hot minute. I’ve been trying to put into words how I felt growing up. I think it is mostly me wanting to understand why I am the way that I am. I think I’ve figured out that I have always felt lonely. I felt so alienated that I had the constant feeling of being a lesser species and separate from everyone else, like I had to put my best foot forward to make up for the fact that I was me. I still don’t understand why I felt like this so deeply for so long, and to some extent still do. I guess more accurately, the habits I developed have stuck, which is why I’m still writing this on a blog no one I know can see and putting my needs first makes me feel like the worst person in the world. 

[andthentheresthiskid]

It's been a while since I used this ol blog. Having a bad night, I keep thinking about the guy who harrassed me and how that has changed me, and changed how I approach relationships. I am currently wondering if I will ever be able to get into a relationship and trying not to be jealous that my best friend has someone they're interested in, also questioning if I had a crush on one of my friends from high school or just really enjoy them as a person?? Wild night here

[andthentheresthiskid]

you ever just realize every relationship you’ve ever had has fallen apart and in every instance you could see the moments where you distanced yourself from others and right now the thought of even talking to the few people you are still close to makes you want to scream and you’re extremely scared that you’re going to lose those people but trying to talk to anyone right now is so overwhelming for no reason at all? I hate it here 

[andthentheresthiskid]

I sort of realized I have no self-concept because I am afraid that if I act like "the real me" people wont like it and abandon me, and oddly enough I realized it while playing persona because I found those familiar feelings of jealousy/envy at the close bonds the protagonist makes with everyone and seeing them all support each other and I realized that I dont feel that connection with people because I dont act like my real self, and I was jealous that the protagonist is able to be himself and his friends dont leave him. So that got me wondering why I feel like I'm not being my real self around others and what that real self might be

[andthentheresthiskid]

Honestly I haven’t had the will to live in the last couple of days and I’m not sure what the cause is but it’s hard to keep going. Whats keeping me here is knowing that I do actually have a couple of people who care about me and I don’t want to hurt them.

I’m scared about my future, I’m not even sure what I want to do, I’m about to move away from my roommate who is probably one of the best people I’ve ever met in my life, I have learned and grown so much by being with her and just learning how to be more open and work through conflict rather than avoiding it.

[andthentheresthiskid]

Not feeling great today, my heart is heavy for no reason in particular, I’m going to see my family soon and I don’t really know why but I feel like crying and when I wake up in the morning I have no desire to do anything or be anywhere, and even when I have something I want to do, like catch up on a show, I just don’t do it I!!

[andthentheresthiskid]

I’m ready to Quit my Job! Because I’m not feeling competent anymore! And I want to feel like I’ve made a difference in these people’s lives but like I don’t! Think I am and I don’t know how to fix it and I don’t want to mess up and I feel like it’s happening constantly ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh but I need money and experience for the profession I want to go into but if I can’t handle this then???? How am I gonna handle the whole ass responsibility of social work like just kill me I’m tired

[andthentheresthiskid]

i think about that one interview with hozier where the interviewer asks him what celebrity he would like to switch places with and he goes “just a bear… in the woods. havin a good time eatin fish” literally every single day

[andthentheresthiskid]

sometimes you say or do bad things while you’re in an awful mental place. sometimes you say things that are rude or uncalled for or manipulative. and i’m not going to hold that against you. mental illness is hard, and no one is perfect. but once you’re through that episode, you need to take steps to make amends. you need to apologize.

“i couldn’t help it, i was having a bad episode” is a justification, not an apology.

“i’m so fucking sorry, i fucked up, i don’t deserve to live, i should stop talking to anyone ever, i should die” is a second breakdown and a guilt trip. it is not an apology.

when you apologize, the focus should be on the person you hurt. “i’m sorry. i did something that was hurtful to you. even if i was having a rough time, you didn’t deserve to hear that,” is a better apology. if it was a small thing, you can leave it at that.

if you caused significant distress to the other person, this is a good time to talk about how you can minimize damage in the future. and again, even if it is tempting to say you should self-isolate and/or die, that is not a helpful suggestion. it will result in the person you’re talking to trying to talk you out of doing that, which makes your guilt the focus of the conversation instead of their hurt.

you deserve friendship, and you deserve support. but a supportive friend is not an emotional punching bag, and mental illness does not absolve you of responsibility for your actions. what you say during a mental breakdown doesn’t define you. how you deal with the aftermath though, says a lot.

[andthentheresthiskid]

[andthentheresthiskid]

But you know what fuuck it man just gotta say I would really enjoy it if I could actually say things to my friends that assisted them or just understood what they needed instead of having to ask like a fucking sack of shit like “hey I don’t know you well enough to know how to help you, do you come with an instruction manual?” Like what kind of friend doesn’t understand their friends and can’t help them?? I wanna talk alllll the time about being soooooo empathetic because I think it’s the only quality about me that could qualify me for being a good person but I don’t even know how to help my friends okay sick tight makes perfect sense no false logic in that and do you wanna know what’s so incredibly fucked is she knows about this blog it’s like I’m writing it to her knowing she might see it so she’ll what?? Take pity on me?? Still think I’m a good person?? Like she’s feeling bad and then she has to deal with my shit?? The literal opposite of how things should be happening!! I’m driving myself crazy but holy cow man I am actually so pissed at myself rn what the fuuuuuuck!!!!! I’m gonna say it right now I think I am both a good and bad person, like I can see how being empathetic + self-abnegating (probably not a word) makes me feel like a good person but I understand people don’t enjoy that quality about me and it makes them worry so I’m like actuallly all that makes me a bad person because I’m like manipulating people into liking me by not giving a shit about myself which makes them worry which somehow leads them to being my friend maybe but I honestly don’t knoooow it doesn’t make any sense

[andthentheresthiskid]

I don't know how to fix myself. I know for a fact that the shit I do ends up worrying people more even though my objective is to make no one worry ever about me. But it's like how do I make myself care lol like the only reason I would want to help myself is because inevitably people will worry less like how!! Does one!!! Just do things! Without thinking about how it affects other people!! Truly a wild concept!! Self-care is a myyyth a cryptic concept! When I was younger I think I figured out it was easier to disengage from everybody so I wouldn't have to worry about anybody (I managed to find other things to worry about) but now I have friends and I can't just leave them behind and disconnect but it's easier in a way like I'll never have to get my shit together because no one will know me, god it's terrible but sometimes it just feels like that's a good option (I know this blog is just meant to write down negative thoughts to get them into the universe but god damn we're going ultra negative tonight sorry guys)

[andthentheresthiskid]

me: *says anything to express my feelings* me: actually you know what i take it back that’s manipulative and also i’m garbage and it doesn’t matter because i’m not important so forget i even said anything

[andthentheresthiskid]

Me: doesn’t want to tell anyone of any deep personal problems ever under any circumstance

Also me: wants to tell everyone my all of deep personal problems for attention and validation

[andthentheresthiskid]

I’m kind of the worst but that thought doesn’t even stress me anymore?? Like I’m just like “yes, you’re garbage” but it’s like i’m saying “you have brown hair” it’s an undisputed fact according to my brain