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andwerise · 8 years ago

Text

Why you?

How we know each other, I don’t. And the stuff I’m about to tell you, I’m not sure why you?

I have reason to believe you might understand where I’m coming from.

Anyhow here it is. I consider myself a man of God, constantly looking for and attempting my best at being a man of righteousness, justice, spirit, charity, love, honesty, truth, humility, and sincere kindness. All the while living a sober life. So that’s part 1. Part 2, my divine calling? my spiritual connection? where I call home? Deep Breathe, I rebalance, I die daily as I was told Paul did, but my eyes have yet to graze upon those bible pastures. Some verses, yes. I have indulged but very sporadically , a deeper part of me resists. So I came to Christ as they say in church terms about 7 months ago, prior to that I was a heroin addict for 3 years, prior to that festival traveling nomad at the time doing my best to search for and exemplify the qualities described in part 1. Anyhow I had a pretty good life but mainly was an alcoholic repressing emotions of grief of a dead mother and physical abuse as a kid. Mainly I had problems with trust and problems with commitment, after she died. I got just close enough to people to feel, but not long enough for it to last because that would be taken like everything else, my thoughts at the time, that time, well for the last 10 years basically. So because my external world was turned upside down instantly, so much more to that, whole another story, as I’m sure we all have, i decided to take and make an active part internally in the taking and destroying, hence the latter years of alcoholism and heroin addiction. Hell, least it was a commitment, one of my lasting relationships, and glad to see that I now would preface this sentence with hell. Because that’s what it was, I was living in hell. So disconnected from any Source, Creator, God, Jesus, Me, the one, One, my soul, my divine connection as I would say. Yea Here and there I had my psychedelic experiences where I felt the hand of God, where I felt the light touch my heart and pull my from whatever darkness I was in and say “ It’s ok Mike, just let Go” Those words as I write them now cleanse me, revitalize my sometimes weary soul. But yea I was a psychedelic guru and good lead a good trip with the best of them, making sure everyone was ok as we traveled to the stars. But was I meant to, God knows, did I, yes, and what did I apply at the time not much. Except words, words, of higher consciousness and ego death(personally not something I ever struggled with I was too disconnected to feel and didn’t have much self worth at the time) words of changing the world, and words of this and that, loving everyone, but not able to love self so my vibration of love the ripple I set forth was as small as a tiny pebble being thrown in the water, and I knew it and felt it but for a moment. And those moments were so easily brushed under the rug with drugs. At the time allowing me to cover up Gods gift to me of extreme self awareness as long as I was on them. Do I apply some of that knowledge now or have I, because of those experiences( psychedelic and others) close with the Creator, Oneness, the Universe, God, my part within, his part without, the micro and macrocosmic self. In some sense I do, I mean all experiences shape us. But did I then, no, my life was mere words, i lived by slowly dying thru heroin and alcohol and my words spoke differently, we could call it my soul, but I spoke of an idealistic life with a sense of “home” a word and feeling that still eludes me, a need for commitment, gratitude, and last but never least deep love. I was lost. Or at least I thought I was, I can tell you one thing I had definitely built my own prison. During these years I dabbled, well 1 of them in particular when I was locked up, I dabbled in Buddhism and the sense of Nonattachment, while practicing meditation, idealistically speaking words of enlightenment, feeling righteous speaking that word, guess I did have a minute ounce of ego, ha, but anyhow during this time I felt peace. And if we look at the multiple variables, I was clean, I was exercising, I was reading, I was writing, I was taking time to let go, taking time to breathe, notice it, and be grateful for the capability, the gift. Pause. I am now feeling a sense of peace again, thanks. Play. Anyhow I liked it, but I was locked up, well my jail journals which I have yet to publish speak otherwise, I mean physically I was locked up, mentally I was beyond free. But What was my existence, yea I was connected to self, but not to anyone else. And I was being fed and told what to do on a daily basis, my spirit knew this was wrong. Pause. in regards to my usage of spirit, soul, and what not, they are in no way biblically derived. Play. After getting out of jail I sometimes utilized meditation and Non Attachment here and there but never really brought back anything, as I live now realized is the Key, whether thru prayer or meditation, what we ask or go searching for or not searching for what we detach from so we can attach to and with and become, Christ within in bible terms, when we get answers or find peace, we need to, i need to apply it to my life now. Well at the time over the years I just used it as another form of escape, a righteous one if I may say, slight ego poking thru, and never really changed my actions, my fruit was still rotten. I mean I never hurt anyone, but did i help anyone, really, no. My words did, hell they could lift up the saddest soul, but my actions, no they did not. Anyhow so I dabbled in religious theology, did some meditation here and their, applied some psychedelics, and even understood some sacred geometry, i had studied it in college, under a great professor, but that’s a whole other story. Anyhow over the past 2 years I’ve been arrested some times and by the grace of God found myself at a place called Youth Challenge about a year ago, a faith based residential rehab. And boy was I antireligious. That disconnects, that divides people, how super righteous are those people, they don’t take acid, they don’t understand the Mandelbrot set, how much could they really know, pssshh. Well was i in for a slap in the face, o God’s humor, haha, I’m really starting to like this guy, God that is. Anyhow I went in trying to poke holes in it, something I had become good at over the years. I really went in trying to get clean off heroin and in the meantime found a way to make excuses to not connect, to divide myself, from something or someone that was doing everything in his power to, give me a sense of home, love, gratitude, humility, kindness, charity, and allowing me the opportunity to become changed, new, so that I could truly exemplify these qualities, not only with my words, but my actions. But i pushed, i had to, its what I knew, this cant be, I don’t want and I remembered the words I had once heard tripping many years ago. "Its ok Mike, Let go.“ The words God had spoke to me in my righteous acid trip, now were being spoken to me in and out of the mouths of other brothers, out of Gods connections. I did, let go. I surrendered and my life has been extremely different. All I can say is I accepted where the divine found me at, I didn’t need to question what source this deep love came from, or how it was packaged, I just accepted it and my life is different. I am. Agreed. My main point was that no matter where the divine finds you accept it no matter how its packaged, Jesus, Buddha, whatever, accept the love when its given. My background was in psychedelics and meditation so it was hard for me when I started coming to a church to just accept the love there. But it was so freely given and my path thru circumstances led me there, here. So i need not try to push it away because it is called Jesus here, its all love to me and its genuine, so basically I’m just saying to Let go when Love finds you, when God touches your heart. That’s all.

Anyhow I don’t know why I wrote you that, i guess Id figure you might understand. Anyhow sometimes, some days, and even some weeks, i get pulled in all different spiritual directions, and its hard, but at least I have one. And this I am forever and always grateful for and of. Anyhow thanks for letting me navigate thru my thoughts. I needed that. For some reason I know you will understand.

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andwerise · 8 years ago

Text

Why you?

How we know each other, I don't. And the stuff I'm about to tell you, I'm not sure why you?

I have reason to believe you might understand where I'm coming from.

Anyhow here it is. I consider myself a man of God, constantly looking for and attempting my best at being a man of righteousness, justice, spirit, charity, love, honesty, truth, humility, and sincere kindness. All the while living a sober life. So that's part 1. Part 2, my divine calling? my spiritual connection? where I call home? Deep Breathe, I rebalance, I die daily as I was told Paul did, but my eyes have yet to graze upon those bible pastures. Some verses, yes. I have indulged but very sporadically , a deeper part of me resists. So I came to Christ as they say in church terms about 7 months ago, prior to that I was a heroin addict for 3 years, prior to that festival traveling nomad at the time doing my best to search for and exemplify the qualities described in part 1. Anyhow I had a pretty good life but mainly was an alcoholic repressing emotions of grief of a dead mother and physical abuse as a kid. Mainly I had problems with trust and problems with commitment, after she died. I got just close enough to people to feel, but not long enough for it to last because that would be taken like everything else, my thoughts at the time, that time, well for the last 10 years basically. So because my external world was turned upside down instantly, so much more to that, whole another story, as I'm sure we all have, i decided to take and make an active part internally in the taking and destroying, hence the latter years of alcoholism and heroin addiction. Hell, least it was a commitment, one of my lasting relationships, and glad to see that I now would preface this sentence with hell. Because that's what it was, I was living in hell. So disconnected from any Source, Creator, God, Jesus, Me, the one, One, my soul, my divine connection as I would say. Yea Here and there I had my psychedelic experiences where I felt the hand of God, where I felt the light touch my heart and pull my from whatever darkness I was in and say " It's ok Mike, just let Go" Those words as I write them now cleanse me, revitalize my sometimes weary soul. But yea I was a psychedelic guru and good lead a good trip with the best of them, making sure everyone was ok as we traveled to the stars. But was I meant to, God knows, did I, yes, and what did I apply at the time not much. Except words, words, of higher consciousness and ego death(personally not something I ever struggled with I was too disconnected to feel and didn't have much self worth at the time) words of changing the world, and words of this and that, loving everyone, but not able to love self so my vibration of love the ripple I set forth was as small as a tiny pebble being thrown in the water, and I knew it and felt it but for a moment. And those moments were so easily brushed under the rug with drugs. At the time allowing me to cover up Gods gift to me of extreme self awareness as long as I was on them. Do I apply some of that knowledge now or have I, because of those experiences( psychedelic and others) close with the Creator, Oneness, the Universe, God, my part within, his part without, the micro and macrocosmic self. In some sense I do, I mean all experiences shape us. But did I then, no, my life was mere words, i lived by slowly dying thru heroin and alcohol and my words spoke differently, we could call it my soul, but I spoke of an idealistic life with a sense of "home" a word and feeling that still eludes me, a need for commitment, gratitude, and last but never least deep love. I was lost. Or at least I thought I was, I can tell you one thing I had definitely built my own prison. During these years I dabbled, well 1 of them in particular when I was locked up, I dabbled in Buddhism and the sense of Nonattachment, while practicing meditation, idealistically speaking words of enlightenment, feeling righteous speaking that word, guess I did have a minute ounce of ego, ha, but anyhow during this time I felt peace. And if we look at the multiple variables, I was clean, I was exercising, I was reading, I was writing, I was taking time to let go, taking time to breathe, notice it, and be grateful for the capability, the gift. Pause. I am now feeling a sense of peace again, thanks. Play. Anyhow I liked it, but I was locked up, well my jail journals which I have yet to publish speak otherwise, I mean physically I was locked up, mentally I was beyond free. But What was my existence, yea I was connected to self, but not to anyone else. And I was being fed and told what to do on a daily basis, my spirit knew this was wrong. Pause. in regards to my usage of spirit, soul, and what not, they are in no way biblically derived. Play. After getting out of jail I sometimes utilized meditation and Non Attachment here and there but never really brought back anything, as I live now realized is the Key, whether thru prayer or meditation, what we ask or go searching for or not searching for what we detach from so we can attach to and with and become, Christ within in bible terms, when we get answers or find peace, we need to, i need to apply it to my life now. Well at the time over the years I just used it as another form of escape, a righteous one if I may say, slight ego poking thru, and never really changed my actions, my fruit was still rotten. I mean I never hurt anyone, but did i help anyone, really, no. My words did, hell they could lift up the saddest soul, but my actions, no they did not. Anyhow so I dabbled in religious theology, did some meditation here and their, applied some psychedelics, and even understood some sacred geometry, i had studied it in college, under a great professor, but that's a whole other story. Anyhow over the past 2 years I've been arrested some times and by the grace of God found myself at a place called Youth Challenge about a year ago, a faith based residential rehab. And boy was I antireligious. That disconnects, that divides people, how super righteous are those people, they don't take acid, they don't understand the Mandelbrot set, how much could they really know, pssshh. Well was i in for a slap in the face, o God's humor, haha, I'm really starting to like this guy, God that is. Anyhow I went in trying to poke holes in it, something I had become good at over the years. I really went in trying to get clean off heroin and in the meantime found a way to make excuses to not connect, to divide myself, from something or someone that was doing everything in his power to, give me a sense of home, love, gratitude, humility, kindness, charity, and allowing me the opportunity to become changed, new, so that I could truly exemplify these qualities, not only with my words, but my actions. But i pushed, i had to, its what I knew, this cant be, I don't want and I remembered the words I had once heard tripping many years ago. "Its ok Mike, Let go." The words God had spoke to me in my righteous acid trip, now were being spoken to me in and out of the mouths of other brothers, out of Gods connections. I did, let go. I surrendered and my life has been extremely different. All I can say is I accepted where the divine found me at, I didn't need to question what source this deep love came from, or how it was packaged, I just accepted it and my life is different. I am. Agreed. My main point was that no matter where the divine finds you accept it no matter how its packaged, Jesus, Buddha, whatever, accept the love when its given. My background was in psychedelics and meditation so it was hard for me when I started coming to a church to just accept the love there. But it was so freely given and my path thru circumstances led me there, here. So i need not try to push it away because it is called Jesus here, its all love to me and its genuine, so basically I'm just saying to Let go when Love finds you, when God touches your heart. That's all.

Anyhow I don't know why I wrote you that, i guess Id figure you might understand. Anyhow sometimes, some days, and even some weeks, i get pulled in all different spiritual directions, and its hard, but at least I have one. And this I am forever and always grateful for and of. Anyhow thanks for letting me navigate thru my thoughts. I needed that. For some reason I know you will understand.

1 note · View note