anecdotal-b

[anecdotal-b]

Recently I stumbled upon a person. One just like me, with very minor differences. I have always been aware that I am no special person, and even though it may feel like so, I am in no way alone in this struggle to find myself. It doesn't seem so hard to find such people, abd recently I found yet another person who checks off more similarities other than what I just gave as example. It's uncanny. The racial ambiguity, tearing of friend groups, the sociopathy, the stoic silent treatment he gives to people he listens to, whether that be through eavesdropping, or someone who just comes to him. Hell, we're the same age. I felt like I was looking at a mirror. Looking at someone who had the same daddy issues, same expectations, same scars (although he had an actual scar above his eye). At first I was relieved because it felt like I met someone who knew the struggle of being, me. Even the same specfic things that I probably won't say. Slowly, relief turned into malice, as time passed. Slowly, differences would show. Differences that I felt made him superior. He was a peoples' person. He was able to fool a whole entire room of people into believing he was a- I don't even know what he was trying to portray. I watched him make the people laugh, while I recklessly stumbled around TRYING to be him. Typically, I am able to be whoever I want. It just didn't work for me this time, probably becayse he was ME, but better. We were skilled in all the same things, he was just higher than me. It made me feel small, insignificant. It made me lose sight, and made me wonder, how many more others are like him? How many more people are there that are just like me? Am I in anyway special? Hell, after meeting this guy, I know that the specialty of being the best was pointless, because HE was better. Was he special? There's always some other bigger fish in the sea, but when you are as big as me, you don't ever think you'll live to see that person that's bigger. And one day, you do, and you are reminded how small you really are?

Perhaps I think too highly of myself. Ego is an issue I intend on fixing. Arrogance is different from confidence, and I believe I crosses the line. I am exactly who I hate the most, but I hide so by never showing it. Instead of running away from the issue, I plan on fixing it.

-to being the best you you can be

[anecdotal-b]

I have been diagnosed with antisocial disorder

I honestly don't have much to say. I was recently diagnosed by a psychiatrist, to not be a complete sociopath, just a severe case of misanthropy and disregard. Before the diagnoses I was quite fearful of the truth to be honest. I did not want to be seen by this man as some nut case, but now that I have been told and clarified of this, I must say, the emotions leading to the climax of the truth was quite anti-climactic. I am in no way surprise, and this diagnoses does not really change my view of life.

I went into the shower when I arrived back home, and questioned what makes me so different than everyone else? What causes me to have antisocial disorder? What causes my use of emotional manipulation, rationality, and misanthropy? What causes it? Antisocial individuals are made, not born. Nurture, not nature. What makes my view and utilisation of life so different? It's a bizarre and ridiculous question to ask, but I'm dumbfounded to be frank. My sister and I were raised by the same parents, so why is she someone I see as prey? Why am I not threatened by someone who was raised along side me? It's possible that the answer is not how we were raised together, and what we experienced together, but instead, what we experienced and how we were raised separately.

I do remember points of times in my life where, I was empathetic, hell, three years ago, when I took the Myers Brigg's Personality Test, I was a feeler, not a thinker, an INFJ. Now, I'm an INTP. What happened over those three years to make me do such a jump in identity?

After sitting here at my desk for a few hours I think I know why. Antisocial disorder is not something you can get overnight, it needs to grow overtime.

My misanthropic view first started to grow for me at a very young age, whenever my dad would tell me to 'man up.' He'd tell me this phrase because he saw me as sensitive, and even now tells it to me. Whenever he does, I silently have a breakdown in my head, just hearing the phrase. I have nothing but malice against the phrase, and I'll never tell my kid anything of the sort when I have one. Because I was so sensitive, I tried hiding my feelings through one simple layer of inactivity, instead of using a façade like I normally do. Ever since I was young, I was seen as distant or removed from situations, because I knew that my feelings were hurt easily, and I did not want to be lectured by my dad of how I'm not worthy of the title of being a man. It was fucking annoying. As I have told before, it may be very well impossible to go through the entirety of school with being ignored, when all of them are as immature as little kids, simply because they are little kids. I was bullied from time to time, and I have already explained that my father had taught me how to fight. His intelligence and awareness of school is the only part I respect of him, I think he needs to improve in other things such as how to raise a kid properly. I eventually fought my bullies, and was very sadistic towards the pain I caused them. The feeling of finally releasing, and bringing people back down to reality was quite euphoric. My dislike of my dad and of my bullies was my case of misanthropy growing.

My social and emotional manipulation abilities were something I have always had a knack for, even before my misanthropy, although I was not always good at it. Kinder-6th my social manipulation tactics were extremely amateur. Jokes that were hit or miss, a single layer of a façade that was easily broken through, open arrogance, etc. I was able to pass, but barely. I mostly just sat back and watched/observed everyone around me to understand the system that everyone obviously saw, yet was never acknowledged by the people in it. Over kinder to 6th I would slowly but surely learn, and when Covid-19 hit the pandemic and social distance learning were big helping factors. I was left to my own devices, with friends unintentionally showing me the ropes of everything, helping me understand the idiocy that is social media, and the trending topics of our generation. Add that to the fact that everyone was just as socially awkward as me, and it makes everyone around me seem socially equal in skill, due to the fact that even the most extraverted of people had not talked face to face with anybody in a while. It was the perfect situation for me to improve my social manipulation. I used to be able to convince a whole entire crowd of people to appreciate my presence, but now I am only able to convince a smaller amount of people at the same time, but even then it's far more better than what I was capable of during earlier years.

My usage of a façade was again, amateur before 7th grade, but I learned that people don't really want to see who I am. Before I truly hated people to the extent that I currently do, believe it or not, I wanted get good at socialising in order to make friends, thinking that being good at it would make it fun, but the more and more friends I got through presenting something that wasn't real made me realise that people don't usually want to see what's underneath, and would rather be entertained. There was a point in time where I confessed emotions to a girl after she had been driving me crazy, and after I told her, she thought I was making some elaborate joke and thought it was an empty confession. I was questioning my identity. I had to separate myself from people for a few months to try and separate ME from HIM. I am an analytical and although expressionless, emotional person. HE is a crazy and admittingly, wild person that rarely was contained. The person in between was what people liked, but I still hated pleasing people by showing the in between, knowing that they don't like me, they like smart and witty highlight, and not my whole personality, It's easier to just keep it in and cause no conflict or attention, and be myself when alone then to mix my personal life with my social life, it gets confusing, and I may have another identity crisis of sorts.

Perhaps that everything I have just said is exactly what made me who I am today, and I have finally come into fruition, hell maybe I'm still in the process of becoming even more ill viewed than I currently am. Just a brain exercise for me to track and pin down everything that makes me, me.

[anecdotal-b]

Many times, I ask myself, 'what's the point?' I often think that when enough time passes everything will be forgotten, by future generations, hell by the whole fucking universe when the 'Big Crunch' finally kicks in. Everyone is going to die. The odds of me being some forever remembered individual is unlikely, and even if I am, my achievements will be forgotten when the universe decides to finally contract in on itself. No shakespeare, einstein, allah, or jesus is safe from that. They will all be forgotten, leaving nothing until another big bang decides to come along and make a new iteration of the universe. What's the point in that case?

Every time I spend too much time inside the shower, I start looking down the void that is time. Never ending. That's what time is. An empty abyss, with no significance. It's doomed to repeat. Happiness is temporary, despair is the default emotion we feel when without a purpose. So as I sit here in bed writing this, trying to sleep, tell me, what's the point? Sure, I have a purpose, but there does not seem to be a point to it. What is the fucking point?

The fact is, there's no point. Like I said, the end is inevitable. Relations, end through time or death. Achievements and significance die when forgetten about. The end of everything, except time, is inevitable. So I don't think I can convince myself of something else. Nihilism is a bitch, ain't it?

To nihilistic individuals alike, I admit, they have a point. Everyrhing will inevitably end. Again, I cannot disprove a simple fact, and to find such an obscure yet simple fact takes intelligence. Because nihilists often think of themselves as intelligent, allow me to not disprove a literal fact, but draw your attention to something else entirely.

I believe there's no arguing that, life is a cosmic coincidence. There may have been a universe where no life AT ALL was planted, just a bunch of uninhabitable planets. If that's the case, then so what if there's no point? We have been given the chance to experience nature, something that is not experienced by all. Should we give a damn if our universe is pointless, with no end, and should we merely focus on our purpose here? We did not ask for life. It was given. Life is a gift. You can do many things with a gift. You can throw it away, cherish it to your hearts' content, or keep it in your possesion, pretending that you love it when in reality you don't give much of a damn about it. This gift is a privelage, that nature does not hand out to just anybody.

To nihilsts,

Yes, you're very much correct, and I cannot change that. There is no point, unfortunately. Should that stop us from enjoying ourselves though? Perhaps you are keeping the gift that life is and take it for granted, instead of cherishing it (I know I have once before). You have been given something. Neither you or I asked for our lives, yet here we are. Yes, we may not cherish our gift as much as others, but this is far too valueble to throw away. I understand those who have made the irrational decision, I truly do. Perhaps I am unable and never will experience and feel their exact emotions, but I know one thing. It'd be such a waste of a life that was given if you truly do throw this gift away. Before you make your final decision, nihilists, of what you truly wish to do with what you have been given, walk down the street, inhale the smoke, listen to the crazy people babble, and realise that there's much more to life than what you see. Actually, appreciate what you have been given. What a foolish mistake it'd be to waste this opprotunity to walk inside the equally scary and beautiful universe by using the weird phonomenon that is life.

[anecdotal-b]

it's just that time of the month where I am confused, and instead of doing random ramblings in the shower, I write them out, just to go back and see what I have and have not talked about so I'm not repeating myself, and to also correct things that I have mistaken. My sexuality?

I have finally got over my obsession with the girl at my school and have come to realise that whether I like it or not, if a relation was made through her, it end is inevitable, and the happiness I may experience is not worth the heartbreak that I have also experienced with another girl before.

When I say that, I think it's quite clear that I'm not talking about a specific sex. Male, Female, whatever new shit they are making on the spot nowadays, it's unlikely I want a relation. At that point I ask myself if I'm Acesexual, which I don't think I am. When I think I am done with my work, abd content with what I have left behind, I plan on settling down, getting a Mrs, and making a kid.

How can that be if I just said I'm not interested in any relation of any kind? I think that may be because I'm not searching for a partner in the present. I want to reach my goal of becoming a successful independent either lawyer or tech comp. Employee. After I think I have reached my ultimate goal in life, the thing that every action I do is commited to achieving that goal, after I get it, what then? I am quite self aware about how although a difficult goal, not the most ambitious one ever. I could aspire to make the next billion dollar corporation, but no, I am perfectly fine with being something that although hard, with enough confidence and patience it is much more affordable than being the next Bill Gates, and that's what I want. I want to complete and be content with life while I'm still alive, that way if I were to be murdered I'd still die an unfearful and a happy man, knowing my lifes goal was complete. If I'm so sure about me being able to reach this goal, I need to ask myself what then. I'm not driven to do anything anymore, and that's where settling down comes in. I want to find someone that can keep my mind active, even after I have completed my life's goal. I do want love, just not now. Not only do I want love, I want an offspring. Even now I am factuated by the idea of furthering the progress of the human race. Not only that, but I want my intelligence and my wife's intelligence to both be inherited by the kid. She needs to be equally or more intelligent than me. Seeing as I'm quite average in the grand scheme of things, IQ wise (113), I need to find someone with a much higher intelligence quotient than mine's to truly make my dream come true. I want my kid to be successful, and happy. They won't gain much from me when I am not even higher than 120.

In short? I want a smart companion, someone that can mentally challenge me, one that can see past my facade and know me. Somebody that gets the unfiltered version of me. Someone I can comfortably talk to on an eye to eye level. I want to marry this individual and have a kid with her. Marriage is bound to end some time or another, so before my love for her for whatever reason dies out, I want to have a kid. Someone that can carry my name and have the intelligence of their mother and I.

That's what I want, yet why am I so hesitant on falling in love? Simply because, the time for it has not came yet.

[anecdotal-b]

It's been a while since I have bitched for a while, simply because life has not been too troublesome. I got over the girl, and I'm no longer fearful of my future and such. I stopped talking to a theraputic aquantence, and I've been living life isolated, exactly how I want it. Unfortunately, my parade was rained down upon, when an old 'pal' of mine introduced me to people he has been platonically infatuated with. When talking to them, I was perfectly capable of holding my own with them. Not as good at social manipulation as I used to be, but it's cool. Rusty, but acceptable. That's when I'm with males though. The people who had a link to me via a mutual associate had me talk to a girl. I'm nowhere near as good at it as I used to be. I used to play potential female stepping stones very easily, being able to have most girls open up to me about things over enough time (accept for the one that got away), but when they had me meet with this girl, I was very 'awkward'. I have not had an awkward conversation with a female that I saw potential social connections with in a very long time. I froze up, exchanged a greeting, and it ended there, followed by silence. What the fuck was that? Academically and work wise, I'm at my current best, but in the social manipulation section, I am not that great, I inferred from this interaction. The reason I'm writing this is because I want to remember what made my facade so much more better, and I thought that I'd remember from writing this. So far, the only thing I remember is being more polite and optimistic, more wild, and less tame. After spending so much time in solitude, I have become much more controlled. I used to yell the n-word, make jokes that although I don't have a problem with if I heard it from someone, I'm no longer comfortable with expressing them myself. With this girl, I attempted to be unfiltered without a facade, hell without a face entirely, all I said was 'hello'.

I can't do much but facepalm myself, this was a educational moment. It's impossible to live a life of success without any interaction, even if it left a bad taste in my mouth last summer. Like it or not, I need to get back out there, and get back to my roots of having impostor syndrome. Yay me. Cool beans, to do list: Re-learn how to fucking talk, get good at manipulating things into your way again, and avoid falling for a girl in the process if you do get back out there.

[anecdotal-b]

I think I know that I'm not a sociopath, just an INTP with a side of nihilism and misanthropy. I gathered that much through how much this girl has been doing to my head. No close to emotionless man would experience love the way I'm feeling. Hell, I don't even know if it's genuine love or just lust. This girl has got me running mental laps and gymnastics from just glancing at me. She got me listening to love songs at the dead of night and got me googling the most pathetic shit. She has me CRYING while listening to Clinton Kane. Fucking crying. The fuck? My dad taught me to man the fuck up and not to let any girl fet to my head and make me cry, yet here we are. I am crying, listening to love music, and did sit ups for an hour. How did she do this? Earlier I said she got me googling some pathetic shit. An example would be, "can people with anti-social personality disorder (sociopathy) love?". The answers I got were insulting, because they were things that applied to the genuine side of me. A manipulative guy, who fakes emotions to get what he wants. Reading it jusr made me want to recede, and try my best to feel emotions, but then I remember how many times I tried this before. I had a quiet breakdown in my head. I just wanted to I know why I was falling so deep in love, and I was insulted, saying that if I do show love then it's probably fake and truly just deceit and emotional manipulation. The worst part is is that it is fucking true. I have faked so many emotions to others to get what I want, and now that I actually feel something my past actions are getting spat back into my face.

The paragraph I just wrote down was impulsive, and agitating when re-reading a few minutes later. After writing that down I sat down and thought about it a little. I am not a sociopath. I am similar to one, only difference being behind my charming and witty facade there is a genuine me (a me that's selfish, yet also human). I have not been diagnosed witv anything by a professional psyciatrist, and have only taken online tests. The online tests say that I am a few emotions away from a real sociopath, but for all I know they can be total fabrications. The fact that I got so offeneded by the articles for calling out the technical truth is evidence of why I am so different from a sociopath. I imagine a sociopath would have just scoffed at it. Not me though. I was feeling genuine emotions in the moment, and because me showing my genunie side got me damaged as I have always suspected it would, I got irrationally mad and went straight off of impulse. Although the articles were right, I am a selfish emotional manipulator, I am not a complete sociopath. It's just like the online tests said, I am a few emotions away from being a sociopath, and even then the tests could be just a bunch of misinterpretted information, meanung that for all I know the articles aren't even talking to me at all. Although when I first wrote the beginning paragraph I was being an emotional baby. Now that I have truly deconstructed it, now I can chuckle at the article for beinf able to walk away less vulnerable than I previously was.

If you analyze any emotion enough, it becomes a baseless and stupid experience (especially the feeling of offense). All I need to do is learn how to deconstruct love, so I can be less emotionally vulnerable by severing it off of myself. (Or it could just be me falling for the old phrase, ignorance is bliss)

[anecdotal-b]

I think I'm going mentally unhinged. The fucking girl. Of course the moment I get over her I just keep on bumping into her. I keep on noticing some pale blonde girl with shoulder length hair at corner of my eyes. I meet her at the stairwell, fucking hallways, inside of classes. All of which could just be weird coincidences. Not today though. I went in to the dentist to get my braces tightened, and who is there? The fucking girl. I don't understand, she's just everywhere. I believe I mentioned that her and I were subtle aqquantences, being the few people that have secret spots to go to when we're alone and how we shared some of those spots. I have stopped going to those spots to avoid seeing her. Despite this, I feel like we just keep running into each other. I do not know if I am seeing things. If my mind is playing tricks on me because I am trying so hard to get away from her, yet my mind finds some cruel irony to make me think that despite my efforts, she's just there, more so than ever. Hell not only this, but my friends are starting to talk about her. I just hear them saying her name more and more oftenly. I cannot tell whether I am tripping or not

[anecdotal-b]

I think I'm over her. I think I did it. She is gone. I think I have gotten used to the euphoric feeling she soothed my mind with, leaving me to feel nothing for her anymore. I found myself lurking the internet for porn and then I realised how I am over her. The fact I was thinking of having sex with a girl I didn't know. All of a sudden as a put my hand on my dick I realised, this doesn't feel good. The girl I am looking at doesn't soothe my mind, and the girl that was in mind all the time was something I got used to. This is for sure a learning experience. If I ever have EXTREME feelings for a girl I have not talked to, it's just lust. It don't matter, the brief glances shared between us. I don't know her. It was simply just lust in play. I feel so relieved that the feelings weren't real. I thought I was being irrational with a girl that was not even friends with me. I thought I had grown a surplus amount of feelings for a girl I don't even talk to. Now I can explain it. It's nothing but lust. Not love. Hell, I'm not even lustful anymore. I can finally go to sleeo at peace. Tomorrow I actually work. I put on my facade and man the fuck up. Nobody gives a fuck, and nor will I. I have been slacking in comparison to my own standards and exoectations. Tomorrow, I will excede the expectations of even myself. Fuck love. Fuck sex. Fuck lust. Fuck her.

[anecdotal-b]

I don't want to exist. I don't want to commit suicide when I say that, but I just want to rest. I want to see infinite darkness surrounding me. Nobody, not even me. I secretly sometimes wish I was brainless and stupid enough for the live in the moment bullshit. Even when I was 7, I had thoughts and dreams of being an inanimate object like a chair. They say, life is a gift. It certainly has the options of a gift. The ability to use that gift, or to throw it away. I don't know where I am on the spectrum between the two though. I have never attemoted self harm, no matter what may be suggested, but I certainly don't cherish my life. If I was given the option to throw it away through a quick and painless death or to continue living it's sad to say, but I think I'd be sitting at the edge if that rooftop for a very long time thinkig of what my option would be. No longer are the eyes of people that I never wanted, but no longer are the voices of people I tolerate. If I were to commit suicide, I don't know who would be the person to successfully convince me to do otherwise because not even my parents hold that power over me. A lot of people may think that they have the ability to stop me from taking that leap, to which I say, no. No they do not. Not even the girl I have been bitching about these past few months would stop me. If someone was able to stop me, I wonder who'd it be.

[anecdotal-b]

I'm depraved of humanity. I am longing for a conversation that is actually interesting. I need to talk to someone that equally rivals my thoughts. I just listened to an hour of moaning, pleasured myself, zoned out, then I realised how pathetic I was. What am I doing with myself? School is going to be gone for a whole week, meaning I have no real goal. I have been writing a few things that can somewhat mentally challenge me that voice my thoughts while still keeping me grounded and not welcoming people into my person via videos. I am yet to release any yet, but I am planning on recording them very, very soon. That's beside the point. I am stuck in my own thoughts. I am desperate for a companion I can be myself around. I caught myself fantasizing of kissing a girl, and her tongue warming that itch in my throat that I unironically have due to allergies of the seasons. I have never had thoughts about anything so disgusting. I am for the first time left by myself, drunk of lust. For the first time I'm masturbating for my own selfish and pleasurable reasons instead of it being a monthly routine to lessen the chances of testicular cancer. That is a sign of change. My intentions being blinded by lust. I need someone. I have no one. For the first time in months I am crying as I am writing this as I slowly realise how lonely I am. I want someone to talk to, but my mind is telling me to ignore my heart. To only obey my needs, and not the wants. The only reason why I ever write this is because my mind is convincing me that this is a need and that it is a healthy way to vent my thoughts instead of letting shit build up. It's not healthy. I need someone to hear my pain. I don't know why though. I rarely want people to know I am in pain, because it makes me feel weak and usable, and vulnerable, yet I want to vent to someone. Not just anyone, I want to talk to the girl. The girl I have mentioned in previous posts. The silent girl. I want to talk to her specifically. Why though? Some people argue that it is simple and that I am in love, but I never let myself fall in love. I have never let a girl do this to me. Even that math girl I talked about long ago did not do this to me. This girl has put me in an unfamiliar spot, and I hate it. I have been put out of my comfort spot in my own head. I can't seem to get away from her. I don't want to stop typing even if I just said all that can be said about it, because no matter what I say, it cannot do the pain that I feel justice. She is making me listen to music that I so desperately want to experience. All of this, from a girl I have not exchanged a word with. I do not understand, why? Being emotionless was so much more better than feeling emotions and pretending that I am okay. I want to go back to my sense of 'normality'. I want to be a calculating and emotionless sociopathic like bitch. I want help

[anecdotal-b]

Small talk is ass. Whenever I use the term small talk, I'm not talking about the "how's the weather?" type talk. I mean discussions/coversations where nothing is gained or earned.

In layman's term, if I don't learn anything in a conversation that's more direct than me reading them like a book, I'm not having fun. I can easily learn someone's whole game just by watching the way they interact, and listen to their demeanor towards situations. Problem is, that takes time. I can't learn everything in one conversation if it's the first time I have acknowledged them. I can listen to the pointless jokes that they make and learn their sense of humor, and pretend to laugh, have my eyes attentive to body language and facial cues, and ears open for speech pattern changes when they're confronted by certain things. A lot of attention is required to study them, and it's not stuff I can do as easily anymore. Therefore, I hate small talk. I'm not learning anything unless I pay realy close attention, and I typically study new people whenever someone I've never met sits down with my friends (not with me), meaning I need to add new things to everyone's personality, because it's a group talk, and not a one on one talk. Small talk. If no knowledge of any kind is given to me, it's small talk. I hate it.

What I cobsider to be breaking from the realm of small talk would probably be whenever more bigger hints/suggestions of their background and character are directly given. An example would be a school group project. Since I am typically the one doing most of the work, everyone's ideas and knowledge pass through me. Someone has a smart idea? Probably a smarr or lucky person. Same person has a good suggestion twice in a row? Dude's smart. The guy that goofs off all the time and gives a bad suggestion? Probably a dumbass. Would I rather work alone for a project? Yes, but I make the most of my situation and I evaluate the group. They don't even need to participate to the group, because the people who 'help' me with our project are more than likely to be responsible, and the people who do nothing are likely to be procrastinators that don't turn their work in. Either way, I learn about the group's intelligence, and priorities.

A better example would be a philisophical concersation with another person. Very rarely does anybody want to talk to the quiet guy, let alone talk to him about philosophy, but it happens from time to time. Philisophical talks with other people are very informative. It tells me their beliefs, implications of past history, their knowledge, morality, ability to form arguments, etc. It tells me everything. Almost like reading a book.

But why hate small talk? Everyone knows that you are walking away more complete after having a big conversation rathee than goofing off and just saying the N-word back and forth with each orher. Don't mean you got to hate small talk. That's the thing. I don't know why I get pissed at small talk. I just like to have debates with other people possibly, or maybe it's because I like to learn and study people. I just hate feeling like I wasted a 30 minute conversation on just a bunch of jokes. It feels so empty and fake. Nothing was gained or given. It feels like I just wasted my time with those people. I enjoy philisophical talks so much more because you walk away with more knowledge and a deeper understanding of someone. A part of someone that nobody else but you has seen. If only a good conversation starter was "what's the meaning of your existence?"

[anecdotal-b]

These are just a handful of questions I often get asked when telling people my background.

"Why are you good at socialization, when you are introverted?"

I was always that one kid that was never appeased with any form of communication with others. Whether it be sports, games, or study groups. All of it felt empty to me, leaving me with some free time on my hands. What do I do with free time? I learn. I learn how to talk woth others, thinking that it might help my interactions feel complete (it didn't, and only made things more empty). I learned how people work through their social interactions. I learned by watching the actions and reactions. Simulating different conversations on different circumstances in my head, giving me an acceptable enough facade when talking with others. Am I as good as a jock when it comes to talking? No, but I am good enough.

"Why do you have so many friends when you claim to prefer your alone time rather than talking with others?"

I do not truly see people as 'friends'. It sounds very sociopathic, but hear me out. The only reason I hold compassion is because they don't know me. They're practically strangers, only being friends with the guy I'm pretending to be. If someone were to know who I actually am, maybe I would hold a higher respect towards them, but even then, that's a maybe

"What's the point of having friends if you don't enjoy their company?"

It's very hard to get through life not having any companions. It's very hard to support that weight all with your own strength. So, because of this observation I hold people close. People who I know are able to catch me when I collapse, instead of just telling me, "I don't know what to tell you, man". I am very picky when it comes to people I keep close. If they are not benefitial to me at all, probably best to cut them lose. They are distractions that slow you down from work.

"What do you consider to be 'benefitial'?"

People who are able to help me when in a tough position. Wherther they be strong, smart, or good for cover and an excuse, everyone should play a role in covering my ass when shit hits the fan.

"Do you at least care about the people you pretend to be friends with?"

No. I do not care about those people's problems. If anything, I'd get annoyed if any of them were to run to me with their problems. Hypocritical? Yes, yes it is, but I manage, to keep their trust that I am who I am saying I am.

"What do you do in your free time if you dislike human interaction?"

I have fun doing my work and minding my business, along with just playing chess against computers. People are not mandatory to have a good time, and if anything they bitter the feeling of having fun. Video games used to be a passion of mine until I just lost that rush of dopamine. Majority of video games are considerably boring, in my opinion.

"What is the reason you get through the day, and what do you want from life that you are yer to recieve?"

I am not quite sure what I want. Success is a broad term, but something that I want would be respect. I am not the tallest, strongest, or fastest. Not the funniest, or anything. What I am though, is smart. I am generally on a pretty grounded area physically, but mentally is a different story. I am always looking for the next compliment about my intelligence. If I really wanted, I could boost my physique, and be more average when it comes to mental capacity, but that is more easy in my opinion. Everyone knows how to get muscle. Through time, work, and effort. To be smart though? Not everyone can make it through Hemingway's, The old man & the sea through dedication alone. Some people just cannot do it, and the people who compliment me are oftenly those people. You don't compliment someone for being able to achieve something you can also do, unless you are just being petty and condescending. Meaning that the people who compliment you are the people who're impressed.

"Do you ever have your bad days, and say that your motivation of life isn't something you can actually achieve and is something you cannot live happy with?"

Everyone gets sad. I, being a very closed off person, do not run to people with my problems. I am very aware, that my need to be complimented is not a goal you can just finish and move on from. My goal keeps on getting fed, never full. Sometimes I want to make 'real' friends as a goal. Most people who are 'like me (misanthrpoists, anti-social disordered, INTP'S) always have at least one person they can be themselves with. I, on the other hand don't. I find it no coincedence that people who are similar all have that person they can just be with and not think. I want that. Those people often end up being INFJ's. I know a female INFJ, but I fear fucking it up. Opening myself, and they don't reciprocate. My head constantly spins, thinking about every single way everything with this girl could break if I took one shot. Never will I test the odds. I have broke expectations when all was agaisnt me, but I was not emotionally vulneravble those times. If I failed, it was typically little shit I could walk off and just try again later. If I fail talking to her (which I likely would) that was one shot thrown away. She could make fun of the real me. The actual me. The guy I have shown nobody, and she makes fun of him. Unñike other times I get shit on, I don't get offended, because I know what they aee saying about me is false. They don't know I am pretending to be someone. Why care when I hold power over them and they are truly just ignorant? If something inherently true were to be mocked, I would be crushed. I can't invalidate them, because they're correct. It is fact. I can't give someone that power over me just to maybe have a real friend. I just deal with my thoughts and hold it in, safety is better than high risking for something as small as a friend.

"Do self harm and sucide often enter your thougts? Have you ever complied?"

Self harm and suicide is something everyone has thought about. So in a way, yes I have thought about the two things. Compliance to the thoughts, though? Hell no. I would never comply with such non-benefitial factors that only seem like they'd be good when self disciplining yourself. Otherwise, it's pointless. No. Just no. Self harm compliance is not normal.

"Have you been diagnosed with sociopathy or anti-social disorder by therapists?"

No. I tend to stay independent when it comes to emotions, making a therepist a pointless factor and a waste of money. I am also afraid of the possibility that I'm not normal. I like to think everyone is as emotionless and emotionally rational as me. Hearing that I am different from a normal person would not surprise me, yet despite that, it'd be something I'd fear.

[anecdotal-b]

My problem with twitter

I recently watched a video of a girl on twitter winning an anime cosplay contest be shamed for the color of her skin (or lack of her color) and had everyone doubt her tailoring skills for winning, despite their being cosplays with much better appearances (even if they were just cheap plastic costumes that they bought from spirit Halloween), whilst hers was not the most eye catching one, it was the most home-made and impressive one that would take a lot of talent. Such as the fact that the judges stated that it was sewn by her, and hand dyed by her. But that's an opinion. Even if hers wasn't the standing out the most, she won because of the talent it took. Appearance is a different thing, and is relative and depending on who you ask. Those are opinions. Those things are not my problem and not what I find stupid, (quite reasonable in fact) it's the fact that they focused on her being white. I rarely ever say this, but... Nigga, who the fuck cares?

Twitter seems to be very contradicting and hypocritical of their own beliefs with their hyper-fixation on such little details such as race and background. Racism means to degrade someone for their ethnicity or nationality. That goes for any race, including white. If you think you cannot be racist to white people, you are a bigot. To be tried at just because you're white, and not some ethnically diverse person is DEGRADING. How about we change the definition for racism to just 'treating people differently because of their historical background'. Because if you were to put someone on a pedestal for being Mexican, Black, or Asian, that's technically racism. Treat them the same as you would any other person. Don't just make them greater than they are. If you have a reason to have high respect for them, do so. Don't just create a broad blanket statement. That weakens your integrity and lowers your standards. If a murderer was Black, would your respect for him be higher than a White murderer? I doubt it, so if a Cosplay is Black and another is White, what's the difference? Also, why is it always the white bitches being racist to other white hoes? Swear to god, never have I ever seen a white racist male being racist to another white individual, unless they were transgender. Obviously that is a joke, not meant to be taken seriously, but dude. Why I left social media

[anecdotal-b]

Past:

Lately I have lost my sense of life. I don't find things nor people funny. I unironically go to try not to laugh videos, just to see if there is anything that can break me. I don't have fun with my friends. Video games are no longer fun for me. I just don't know what to do. I have been at an all time high in regards of academic achievements, and all I do is work. Work & work. On the current rate, I might be successful, nothing guaranteed. And the fact that I am not enjoying myself just to reach a non-guaranteed goal is killing me. Hell, on my current rate and thoughts I may be on my way to suicide.

Present Commentary:

Damn, I just left this tab open for two weeks, and left my keyboard dormant for just two weeks (as previously said). Well, now that we're back in the present, I had a damn good time at school. I just remembered why I work my fucking ass off and push myself to the limits. Second period (science) I had finished an online quiz about 20 minutes faster than my peers and scored 100% of the questions right. After I had finished the quiz, I got to play chess with my classmates that had also finished. Granted, I knew that my chess skills are pretty intermediate and no match for my teacher or this other filipino guy in my class. I picked the fights where there was equal possibilities. 3 non-stop win streak. After 2nd period we went into 3rd period (english). Although my table was quite distracting with their shenanigans, I was called by my teacher so he could give feedback on my writing for a project. He applaud it (not literally). He gave me compliments about how my writing was done quite well, including imagery, transitioning, etc. He only had one real suggestion, and in fact discouraged my own ideas to change it and add more context to the project, saying that it's fine as it is. After english, math (a class quite easy that I am not even proud of myself half the time, and only have fun seeing who can solve the math problem first between my friend and I), but after math is robotics. Robotics is one of my most favorite classes. The students, the humor, even the teacher has his moments, but the star and center of it all, the puzzles. He'd give us codes to decipher, weather it be programming or just turning letters into numbers, and then depending on weather they are even changes their value as number/letters. Today he gave us a program. I was one of the two kids that solved it. 2 kids solved it. I was one of them. That's a feeling that I enjoy so much. After 5th period (robotics), we did history. Not much to say, but after history I have wrestling as a club of sorts. I was volunteered to be one of the wrestlers, and I won the match. Granted, I won by a 1 point difference, I still won nonetheless. Each time I was complimented. It was 'cool' to say the least. It was one of the few days that made me forget about being humble, and made me feel full of myself.

I went straight to chess when I got home and went on a winning spree, until I lost two times in a row. Yeah, probably got ahead of myself. My point is, if you are looking for things in the day to make you depressed, it is likely you'll see those things, but if enough shit happens to boost you, it can help. Also, it helps to work your ass off. Constant compliments. The bad part about being so awesome (like me) is expectations. Luckily that has not became an obstacle for me. Not yet at least

[anecdotal-b]

A response to someone on reddit

Question:

Anyone else feel really lonely even when your around your “friends?” I go to university and I feel like all I do is make small talk with people all day.. I just wish my friendships were more meaningful; I want to have intellectual discussions with people and really pick their brain. I long to sit down for coffee with somebody and talk about things that go beyond daily life. I don’t know, even an academic setting I find this hard to do. There’s only been one person who I’ve felt connected to but I don’t know if he goes to my school anymore and he never reaches out to me so I’m not sure if he even cares about me.

No wonder I stopped talking to people from my high school as soon as I left because even when I like someone talk to them everyday, I realize that I actually don’t actually know anything about them. I just don’t know how to get closer with people. It’s a lonely feeling knowing that nobody connects to you on a deeper level. Anybody else feel this way?

Response:

I have the same problem. The little edge lord in me keeps on telling myself "you're just getting hit by your emotions as a teen. You're fine" whenever I feel empty. Whenever my friends or somebody ask me out, I always try to push it and postpone it to a later date because of how dreadful I feel with them. I shame myself because of how selfish I'm being, but I just can't talk to them anymore. My most favorite activity is to sit down in a science class, and just learn with my science partners. I am able to learn their priorities and ideals. Although I personally don't see eye to eye majority of the time (and I believe that if we were never sat next to each other, we would have never even became friends), I am still able to respect and understand them. But even at the end of the day, that's just a class period. They continue to do what they do, and I do what I do.

[anecdotal-b]

Constantly in mt head is our past, playingback when we used to be friends. So often I used others as stepping stones, but you overdosed me of my own medicine.

Never have I ever let anybody into my heart, and I gave you a chance and the expected outcome occured. You left.

You have perfect reason to do so. Last thing you need is a guy like me. Head over knees I fell, but you put me back on my heels. The tables have turned, now I know how it feels.

I have learned that those who blind can give me vision. But they bind me down due to indecision.

Never do I want to succumb to my wants, and only want to feed my needs.

My mind is tricking me into believing you are what I need. I torment my mental in order to settle the blood that I bleed. It's as red as the burns on my heart, but I already know that if we interact I will only be sent to the start.

You have truly made the most important mark in my life.

The iris's inside of your eyes, I've never trult met them, but I'm sure that they shine to the blind even in the night.

You are a big enough part of my life to cause a signifcant pull of gravity between you and I.

Is how I used to feel. I assume to her I'm just a stranger. Our past is a danger. And if I were asked, I'd never change her, nor will I ever blame her for the fact I remain a lone ranger

[anecdotal-b]

Today I had an encounter. It was a female that was considered a "whore" as she called herself. She sent photos of her exposed exterior to a football team. It was originally purposed for one individual. She claimed that even after that she was 'down' to commit to a sexual structure that was composed of 1 other person along with this individual athlete. It was simply because he had an attractive physical appearance. I was dumbstruck by this girl. How could she have enough respect for a person that they'd commit to sexual acts despite them being cruel to her. Her and I had just met, and it seemed like people were empathetic for her. Not as in they felt bad for her. As in they could relate to her for still having one in such high regards despite their actions. I don't understand. I am still an outsider looking in. An outsider that has a decentlt firm grasp of psycology abd human behaviour. This was the first time I had encountered such an anomally.

I have met with another female. This one, luckily, easier to understand. In fact she came to me for emotional advice for some reason (despite us barely even knowing each other). She asked me whether or not it was normal to want to talk to an individual that they had developed feelings towards 24/7. I applaud her and her courage to ask complete strangers about such personal issues. Something that I'd never be able to do, not even with my own parents. I of course told her that it is very normal. Even I had such a wonderful experience, developing feelings for a female, wanting to communicate with her nearly daily. Of course, it is not healthy if you actually pursue these wishes, because if the feelings are not reciprocated, yet you want to keep this individual all to yourself, that would be a 'bad thing' to say the least. I had stated the obvious to this girl.

I slowly grow more and more tired of human error and selfishness. Sometimes I wish the world could simply just fuck off. I am tired of putting on facades. I am tired of requests. I am tired of questions. I am tired of pretending like I care. If only it were as easy as "fuck this, I'm quitting.". Believe it or not, I do care about my image. My image can be anything, EXCEPT being percieved as an emotional loner that wears his hair with it fringing to the side. That is the last thing I want. Jock, Dick, Nerd, Skinny, Quiet, Tall. All of which I have been called by one person or another. All better than being an emo. I am tired if conversating with people. In school for lunch I have little spot exclusives that only I go to. There is a door to a stairway that goes down outside ro an area where you can just leave campus. I am obedient, and aware that leaving benefits me in no way, so I just sit on the patio of the stairs, reading a book or finishing homework. Thete is another spot near by an area where nobody would really hang out at. People walk through it daily, but it's not a place where people stop. I sit behind a bush in that area, put on some DOO-WOP or rock (not metal, more like queen, the teenagers, and MJ) and sit on my backpack as if it were a chair, and do my homework behind the bushes. I have a third spot. I was going through the lost and found, and found an elavator key that the kids in wheelchairs use. I chill in the elevator, relaxed by the yellow fluorescent lights, and AC. I have many spots. One of which would be a tree at the football field. I often find myself climbing it, being completely quiet, and nobody being able to see nor reach me. I have had many run ins with a girl that has intrigued and piqued my interest to say the least.

This girl and I share a PE class together. One thing that I have noticed is that she listens to music by herself, always having earbuds with her, and sitting behind the bleachers at the football field. This girl intrigues me. I am always wondering, what's in her mind. Her and I have met many times during lunch. We don't ever talk to each other. We just silently acknowlege each other's existence, and stay queit if we are both attempting to be alone in the same general area. Both of us being aware that we're not trying to get in each other's way as we sit across the hall, or room from eachother, both listening to music. I have never heard the girl's voice. I doubt I ever will. During passing period, if we ever see each other, we exchange glances. An interesting silent relationship that seems to be far more functional than other ones that I have percieved.

In science class I have the most thought provoking peers that I sit next to. Science is my facorite class because I feel like there was so much learned by the end. Every single sentence exchanged feels important and satisfying. I find the 'Textbook Tuesdays' to be my favorite because we get to have independent conversations instead of the teacher saying a few things, we say those things back, etc. I CAN learn like that, but it's not fun, nor intriguing.

English class is a hard second place. My teacher has aknowledged how underwhelmingly easy the assignments are, I enjoy most of them either way. My teacher asks for every students philisophical view on something, and I give my opinion via a google doc he has all students fill. He even had the class take a personality class. I am an INTP. The website gave a fairly accurate description of me and everything.

I think I have developed anither crush unfortunately. A girl in my science class that I sit next to. She's smart. I find it hard to communicate with her because I oftnely revert to my previous ways of wondering how I'd appear depending on my words and reactions. It's dumb. I wish I didn't have emotional vulnerability for females.

I have joined a sport after being vacant when it comes to physically active for the past 2 years. I have made a realization. I am skinny as hell. At least back then I was chubby and strong, but damn. I have lost a whole lot of strength. The only factors that work in my favor is that I have speed, and stamina. I don't think speed is even going to be a crucial part of my sport (wrestling)

I think I am slowly getting over Zulma. She was my greatest weakness, and I should be proud that I was able to get rid of someone that made me emotionally unguarded and unstable. But I can't. She is still just resting in the back of my mind. I am constantly thinking "what if?". Such a baseless and insignificant question. How can I be so immature to let this happen to me at such a young age? I'm still in my early teens, and I feel 'this'? Why? I am aware that my feelings will not be reciprocated, we won't even know each other in the next 7 years, so why? Why am I doing this to myself? Just because she was good at math? It makes me ashamed of myself to feel this way. I have been able to stay silent for nearly my whole life and hold my emotions in, but this girl is breaking my system. Why now? Why does this girl make me hopeful and give me unrealistic expectations for my future? Even if my feelings were shared, and we had developed a passionate relationship, what then? Are we supposed to stay together our whole life? I doubt it, yet a little bit inside if me thinks that there may be a chance.

I have joined a new friend group. One that I believe will be way more helpful. I see it as a second chance. This group is very social, and most importantly, smart. I have told my previous group about them, and they say "Those guys are weird don't hang out with them. You should hang out with us and our group more". I decline this offer, because even if they're weird, they sre smart and will benefit me AND grow my connections inevitably. On the other hand, the other group is normal, but stupid. I have learned from experience, being around dumb people make you dumb, and being around smart people make you smart. That's the reason for the last four days of 7th grade I left my first handprint on the group for finals. We stayed inside of one discord call for 4 days, doing work, talking, and playing chess. If I were to do that with my other friends, they'd disregard my concerns for finals and just peer pressure me to play video games during the virtual class meeting. I'd give partial credit to the group, the reason I was able to pass 7th grade. The reason why I ended it on a neutral note of 1 A, 2 B's, 2 C's, and 1 D. It may sound pretentious, but I think I can do better than a group that I have been with since elementary. The other group seems to be purposely limiting me. I have for obvious reasons not disclosed this information with either of the groups. I don't think the other group even realises I am drifting apart from them. Still asking me to program this, help them with this or that, asking me to hangout. I don't care if I am being a bad friend, I cannot help lost cases, let alone redeem them. I need to be with people who appreciate my intelligence, but sees me as expendable, because everyone else is smart. Because of everyone having one trait in common, you are completely aware that they aren't using you, and instead keeping you around based off of the fact that they like having you around. Even if the other group likes having me around, it doesn't change the fact that they abuse my presence because I am "that one smart friend". I feel like I am just their favorite pawn. I often see them getting around perfectly without me around, and that's cool. It's just agitating when they come running back to me whenever they realise "oh shit, I need ti have this done" and they start pretending that we're friends despite the fact that we hadn't talked in weeks, and now they are talking to me. If they see me as a second chance, thinking I can carry them out of their hole, and give them redemption, I must disagree. You need to cut off everyone in order that's dragging you down in order to achieve change, not just beg someone you have in your backpocket. You can't have only one person to help you, but still be in contact with everyone dragging you down