anelusiverush

[anelusiverush]

"𝓘 𝓷𝓮𝓮𝓭 𝓽𝓸 𝓱𝓲𝓭𝓮 𝓪𝔀𝓪𝔂 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓹𝓪𝓲𝓷."

Life is always evolving; it never stops or waits for you to catch up. Some days I found it hard to even catch my breath, let alone take stock of how everything had changed. These past few months had flown by in a sea of sleepless nights, I was now a mother. Aria had made her debut at my family home in Tramore on 14th January, it had been exactly how I wanted it. She came into this world surrounded by our love; I felt a sense of peace being able to feel close to my parents in that moment even if they were no longer with us. Was I scared? Yes, and I still was. It felt huge to be responsible for someone so dependant and tiny. Gabe had been his usual amazing self; I really had hit the jackpot with him. He made sure Aria, and I were well rested and helped take care of our every need, and have I mentioned how damn hot it is to watch your husband become a father? Seriously, if it wasn’t for the fact I had just given birth I’d be all over that and pregnant again. My body changed, I had mood swings and as much as I loved being in my home town, I craved the solace we had created back in Turks. I wouldn’t lie, being in Tramore I always felt the shadow of my past lurking. Of course most of that had been in my head, almost waiting the judgement of my past actions to bite me in the arse. We had decided to stay to celebrate St. Patrick’s day, I wanted to share my experiences I had growing up here with Gabe and Aria, to make new memories of those so firmly attached to my parents. It during this I discovered not all of it was in my head. I admit I had previously over looked the fresh flowers on my parents grave the time we had brought Aria to meet them, when we had last been there it had been in a state of disarray, which Gabe had helped me clean up. They say if you think you’re being followed that you probably are, but honestly it was hard to tell within the crowd down town, everyone was jubilant and I was living in the moment until it all came crashing down. I should have known, it's not like he didn’t have history for acting this way, but the moment we came face to face with Sean I was mortified. Your past and present colliding is never a pretty sight. In fact it was heart wrenching, I was livid when Sean had arrived later on at my parents’ home demanding to speak to me, his insane obsession that I was still his hung thick in the air as he trying to pull me from the house, I could hear Loki barking somewhere inside, along with Aria’s soft cries, but what happened next would haunt me forever. Gabe… Gabe is what happened next, only it wasn’t MY Gabe. I had never seen him like that, so cold, so distant. Not the man I had fallen helplessly in love with. The moment felt like forever as they crashed to the ground in a flurry of fists, but it soon become apparent Sean was now slumped on the ground and he was stopping. Panic set in and I did the one thing my dad taught me to never do, I put myself in the way. As far as I was concerned the budding black eye was worth it to prevent this escalating any further. The moment his hand connected with me; it was if his whole system froze, I prayed somewhere deep inside he still recognised me, but that happened was he walked away. I was numb and in shock as I watched his retreating form, and even more horrified when I turned to see the beating Sean had taken. I couldn’t let Gabe take the blame for my past mistakes, Sean was an unhinged alcoholic. A bully who had essentially met his match. I did my best to cover up what had happened, for me this was a simple a breathing. I took my vows I would stand by my husband through anything. My love for him was limitless, as I sat on the floor tending to the wounds on his hands desperately trying to coax him back to me. I held him, crying until he finally held me back. That night we left with secrets buried between us.

[anelusiverush]

"𝓜𝓸𝓻𝓮 𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓻𝓼 𝓲𝓷 𝓶𝔂 𝓮𝔂𝓮𝓼 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓮 𝓲𝓼 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓼𝓴𝔂, 𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓮."

Time – the only thing that never waited for anyone, we all craved those extra 5 minutes in bed, but they always cost us. Christmas had been sweet, aside the waking up several times in the night to pee, we woke wrapped up in each other, well as much as Little M let us, and I sat in Santa’s lap and showed him exactly what I wanted for Christmas, multiple times. Gifts were exchanged, food was consumed and we lazed the day away, Boxing day passed with a walk down the beach with Loki, he loved the back garden but just like his owners he favoured being close to the beach. We took each day at our own pace, after all being 8 months pregnant had me waddling like a little penguin. Eventually we visited my parents graveside, the whole time I was walking wrapped into Gabe’s side I was having flashbacks from that rainy day, so many people from the local community had shown up, although I was full of grief and anger at the time, time had proven how loved they were, and not just by me. It was time for my two worlds to combine, one steeped in memories, love, and pain. The other my complete universe, a love unbound by Earthly measures. It was in this moment I was grateful they passed away together, because if they loved like I love Gabe, well I wouldn’t want to spend a single moment of life without him. After an awkward introduction I just felt at a loss, my parents would never get the chance to meet my soulmate or my baby, the pain was still there a quiet hum in the background to my life, one they were cheated out of being in. I knew they would be happy for me, I may have made mistakes in the past, but Gabe was definitely not one of them. After being shipped off for a girls day with Aoibhe, Gabe had surprised me with converting my old bedroom into Lil M’s nursery, although we weren’t staying here long term, we still needed one for the duration. Gabe’s mom Ana had suggested returning to them after Lil M’s arrival, but I knew at first I just wanted time alone with my husband and our new baby. The last check up had gone well, Lil M was on target and head down and engaged, which came as no surprise to me after that agonising pain I felt the other day, honestly for I brief moment I considered whether that was labour starting, but it ended just as quick as it came on. We discussed my plans for a home birth something I wanted more than Gabe; my poor husband was worried about our safety during labour. I understood, in truth I was terrified of giving birth, after all a whole baby was going to come out nether regions! That said, I truly did not want to go back to the same hospital I lost my parents in, the midwife assured us an ambulance would be on standby as soon as I went into labour, and if there was any complications we would move to the hospital. All that was left was to prep the room for our babies arrival, Gabe obviously was in charge of all the heavy lifting and…. Pretty much all the work if I’m honest. I couldn’t ask for a better husband and father to be, if at all possible I was more in love with him than ever, knowing soon we would be bonded for life not just in love, but our child. I filled the room with snacks, blankets, towels, and placing the all-important photo of my parents at the bedside so they would be there for the arrival of their grandchild. It was then I began to notice how these so-called Braxton Hicks were lasting longer and stronger, was this it? Will Lil M be arriving soon?

[anelusiverush]

"𝓢𝓱𝓸𝔀 𝓶𝓮 𝓪 𝓹𝓲𝓮𝓬𝓮 𝓸𝓯 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓽."

Whirlwind – that was the one word for us, Gabe always said ‘when you know you know.’ He was the anchor, the security in the fact that everything would be okay, that I was safe with him. He not only understood my fears but also soothed them, and I fell impossibly deeper in love with him. All too soon I graduated, I admit ever since I lost my parents I didn’t feel like celebrating, even with him by my side there was a hole in my heart where they should have been, at my side watching my lifelong dream come too. Without them the day felt trivial, almost pointless. Again Gabe stood firm in his belief my success’ deserved to be recognised, and the moment he gave me my first gift of that day I knew I was with someone completely special. A locket with photos of my parents inside… My heart broke and healed all at once, and I knew I was never going to let this man go, my fears vanished just like the tears he brushed away from my cheeks. As if whisking me away to Disney World wasn’t enough, this incredible man of mine proposed! Can you believe it? I couldn’t, but I didn’t hesitate for a second, he was mine just as much as I was his. Yes, many girls dream of some big flashy proposal, but me – nah. It was perfect to me, unplanned, unrehearsed, and purely from the heart. It was all I could ever want and more. Which nicely leads me to the current situation, I knew it was happening and yet I was still unsure. I’d barely been able to eat the past couple of days as my stomach churned with nervous butterflies, I’d done all I could even redecorating our spare room. But what if it wasn’t enough? What if she still found me disagreeable? Maybe I wasn’t what she had hoped for a sister-in-law, or maybe just maybe it was all down to the way we met… Picture this, you arrive home all loved up and still on a high from our last-minute decision to marry in Florida, and horny as hell to christen your home as a wedded couple and boom!! There was a strange woman in your home who clearly knows your husband. Fucking right my heart sunk in that instant, hell before Gabe had even uttered a word (carrying me over the threshold by the way) as my mind had made up many scenarios, from wife to fuckbuddy and beyond. This wasn’t right, he was mine! So okay, I’m an overthinker and prone to panic and think the worst. This ‘wife’ was actually his sister Isabella, who equally appeared unamused to see me, and that stance remained for her short awkward time with us. I couldn’t help but imagine this visit to go equally as bad, and no matter how much Gabe reassured me, I couldn’t shift this knot in my stomach. She was his family; she was important to him. I had to try and mend any bridges and fix any first impressions, if not for me, for him. There wasn’t much I wouldn’t do for him. But right now I was regretting having that late lunch after work, I had walked Loki and paced around so much the poor pup had fallen asleep snuggled up to me protectively as I aimlessly flicked through the channels. Maybe I should have gone with him to the airport to pick her up? Then I wouldn’t be sat here like a spare part, but I wanted them to have time alone, especially after last time. My family meant everything to me, and although I knew Gabe wasn’t particularly close to his, I still felt my Mammy’s influence wash over me. Mentally checking everything off, everything was clean and ready, no visible traces of any extracurricular activities, fresh food, and snacks. God what if I picked up something she hates? This was going to crash and burn, and I actually found myself well up with panicked sniffles, I needed to suck it up and make this work, after all I had faced a lot worse. Like my ex-fiancé cock sucking ex best friend. I digress… A sister would be simple, right?

[anelusiverush]

"𝓞𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓮𝓭𝓰𝓮 𝓸𝓯 𝓹𝓪𝓻𝓪𝓭𝓲𝓼𝓮."

Turks and Caicos was a far cry from dreary London, the warmer climate warmed my tired soul, and I was now sporting a very fetching sun kissed skin, not bad for an Irish lass if I do say so myself. My days were consumed with finding excursions, exploring the local sights and of course taking time out to be a beach bum. Although I was travelling alone, I never felt that way, mostly because I was content with my own company, but eventually I did decide to explore what the nightlife had to offer, and that’s how I met him – Gabriel. Don’t get me wrong, I was working on getting buzzed when I accidently knocked into him, totally his fault mind you, which resulted in my mumbling ‘arse’ at him. And do you know what this fucker had the actual nerve to do? Yep, he tried to correct me saying it was actually ass. Who was I to argue if he wanted to call himself a donkey… That moment was when we became tethered together by some unknown force at work, mammy would have said it was love, but then she was a sap that way. One thing was for sure as the night went on, we quickly become inseparable spending that initial night laughing and teasing each other, and as he helped my drunk arse back to my hotel later – like a complete gent I will add, I knew I wanted to see him again. I spent the remainder of my vacation doing exactly that, I wasn’t sure what this connection between us was, was this just some holiday romance? Or was it more? Crazy to even think that as I would have to return to London and we would be miles apart. That inevitable day came, promises were made, tears were shed, and I found a new pain to pick apart – missing him. How would we manage this? It all felt impossible, no matter how many calls were made, it wasn’t the same. Just when I started to fear maybe the distance was too much he arrived in London. Reuniting after a mere few weeks apart was like balm to my worried heart, I may never have verbalised it to him, but in that moment I knew he was someone very special, and I began to let down my guard, and let him in. It was scary, he had the power to crush me, I was still mourning the loss of my parents, if I lost him too I didn’t know how I would ever come back from that. That’s when I knew, not that I was ready to tell him those words. It was insane yet felt so right, we soon fell into our own routine, my with finishing up uni and my placement, him with work. Both of us pottering around my apartment like an old married couple, sure we disagreed but we never went to bed mad at each other, that was something I had learnt from my parents. My life felt like it was speeding along, I had what was the most perfect man for me, could I keep him? I hoped so. There was no way did I ever want to face another airport goodbye, he was the balm to my broken soul, each moment spent together I started to breathe easier, my smiles and laughter was genuine. I felt as if I was thrown a lifeline the day we met, so the moment Gabe suggested to give living together a try, I leapt at it. I didn’t know what my future held, but as long as I faced it with him by my side I knew I’d cope. After all, it’s impossible not to fall in love with the man that will still kiss you when you smell of hippo dung?

[anelusiverush]

"𝓨𝓸𝓾'𝓿𝓮 𝓰𝓸𝓽 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓵𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽 𝓽𝓸 𝓯𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓼𝓱𝓪𝓭𝓸𝔀𝓼."

Chapter 2.

It was almost 4 years ago since I arrived here, I wanted to get lost, to be invisible, to be nothing and that dream certainly became a harsh reality. I had been naïve, stupid in reality. I had been so hell bent on escaping my mistakes, the shame I had felt from being so blinded by Sean. I hadn’t even told my parents, I left I the middle of the night, like a teen sneaking out to a party. I had caused them so much worry and pain, there was no way I could tell the of the reality of the situation I landed myself in. The first night I ended up sleeping rough was a lesson I never wanted to repeat, but I did for months. While always telling my parents how good things were for me, if they had of know they would have dragged me home. People came to this city expecting some deluded dream, and I was one of those fools. But I made it, even if it took dragging myself out of the gutter, staying in homeless shelters, eventually with their help landing a job flipping burgers. The income gave me a chance to breathe for the first time, I rented a small bedsit, took any extra hours, and searched the job sites for other work. 5 days a week I worked at the fast-food restaurant and 3 evenings I cleaned offices. Life wasn’t glamorous, but it was mine and I was proud of my achievements. Eventually I was able to return to university to finish the training I had previously ran from, and I felt I was now on the right path, I had my own apartment, working towards my dream career, until my heart was all but destroyed in that one fateful night. 6 months later… They say time heals all wounds, such a bullshitting lie that was, I felt hollow, just a mere shell of existence. Sure, I was a fully fledged functioning adult, I smiled and laughed along with others, but it was fake just an act to mask the crushing misery I felt, the only time I let it consume me was those 3am nightmares, when I drowned myself in pain of losing them. I was grateful for all my coursework, it gave me a focus a reason to drag myself out of my self-induced pit of despair. The university had insisted I attended so grief counselling, but I have to admit I wasn’t the most willing patient, and ditched out as soon as I could. I lived for my placement days, those moments spent helping tend to the animals was all the therapy I needed, and this final term I had been living the dream of working within the zoo, learning the differences in care compared to our more domestic variety. I only had to over come once last hurdle there to complete my training – The reptile house. Sounds simple right? Anyone who wants to work with animals should love them all right? Hell no, in my case I was deathly afraid of snakes and spiders, even the thought of them caused an out break of cold sweat, much to the amusement of the staff I worked with. When I wasn’t at my placement I still volunteered at out local dog rehoming shelter, helping socialise and walk them. I had been lucky upon arriving in London to land this, and no matter how busy my life had become over the years I had spent here, I always made time each weekend for it. I thought I was doing a good job on fooling everyone, but I should have known it was only myself I was kidding. I was still turning in good grades, there wasn’t a single complaint from any tutors, or from my placement. Yet, I still found myself being called into my advisors office. One heated argument later, I was all but ordered to take a break due to their fears I was heading to a burnout, which if you forced me to admit they were right about. But I was stubborn, and loathed being told what to do, concessions were made, and an agreement made. One I didn’t intend on following, yet…

  Another night, another nightmare awoke me as I clawed desperately at the tangled sheet, twisted around my limbs like a vine, compressing as I fight for breath. The darkness ebbing around me, threatening to pull me under, as I land with a resounding thud on the floor. Flinching as I hear his soothing tone, skittering away and pressing myself into the corner akin to a wounded animal, this wasn’t real, he was gone.

“Breathe for me, half pint…”

His whispered words are the only source heard above my heavy heart beat, the light from the door casts a warm silhouette around my bedroom, proving in fact I am still alone, so fucking alone. I fixate my gaze on the floor, feeling too vulnerable in this moment, pushing some sweat soaked locks from my forehead.

I knew what I had to do, all I needed was the courage to take that step, and that’s how I found myself flying to some random location, completely unaware how a chance meeting was about to forever change again.

[anelusiverush]

"𝓗𝓲𝓭𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓽𝓻𝓾𝓽𝓱 𝓪𝓲𝓷'𝓽 𝓰𝓸𝓷𝓷𝓪 𝓶𝓪𝓴𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓸𝓴𝓪𝔂."

I’d like to say that argument was a defining moment, a bitch slap of reality if you like, but in truth I was too far gone to care, I continued to stew, to ferment in my own misery. If anything at all, I had further retreated from everything and everyone, except from this sofa and Disney movies. I couldn’t even tell you the last time I slept in my own bed. I could feel Aoibhe’s watchful gaze this particular morning, the low disgruntled murmur she made every morning since the coffee ban, should have been amusing as hell, and would have been under normal circumstances, but I felt nothing inside. Pulling the blanket further up, almost acting as a shield from all this, I click start on the next movie, as Aoibhe moves to the arm chair. “You know, sooner or later you’re going to have to deal with this, Cait.” I knew she was right, after all I couldn’t expect the world outside to pause while I vanished into oblivion. I had my placement and training to think of, but I no longer want to exist. The truth was I was more broken than I let people know, the one who had always kept herself locked away so she couldn’t be hurt and the cruel irony the world had, the ultimate way to hurt me to take away the two people that meant the most to me. leaving me with absolutely nothing. “I’m going to get some air.” It's probably the most I had moved in this past week, I was surprised she had stuck by me like this, after all the only other friend I had that had once felt more like a sibling had sucked Sean’s dick. “Why are you out alone here, Caitlín?” Feeling my body tense up at the sound of his voice, my hands curling into fists within the safety of my coat pockets. “What do you want, Sean?” Twisting my head to scowl as his figure as he moves from the shadows, holding his hands up in an act of innocence. “Just to talk, I’ve been trying to talk to you since the service.” “Where’s Mairead?” I all but grind out, the last thing I want to do is talk about her, or even talk to him. “She’s at home, this pregnancy is being hard on her.” Taking a sudden step to my side as his hand brushes down my arm. “Don’t fucking touch me…” Flinching, he looks pained momentarily, before smiling. “You’re my best friend, Cait. I love you; I miss you; I miss us.” Shaking my head as I look over at him, the man who at one point I thought was my future. “Is that why you came to find me in London?” Sean takes a step towards me, shrugging. “I had tried to contact you before, but you never answered your fucking phone.” Stumbling back against the railing, I remembered this side of him only too well, not the picture perfect boyfriend the world believed. Caging me within his arms, he leans down. “I love you, Cait…” The moment I feel his lips brush along my jaw, I react on instinct slamming my knee into his balls. Shoving him away from me as he drops to the floor, making almost inhuman noises, pacing around as my anger builds. “How dare you! HOW FUCKING DARE, YOU!” Tugging at my hair, I wasn’t the same scared girl that he had the power over. “Ugh, I like these jeans and all, and now I need to throw them away, better yet…burn them.” “We belong together Cait!” “You’re with Mairead, she’s pregnant with your baby, or did you forget about sticking your cock in her when you were meant to marry me!” “It’s not my baby!” Barking out a laugh I give him an incredulous look. “Do I look like I care? You made your bed, Sean.” Turning away, I start to walk off. “At least she was there for me, all those nights you were off chasing some dumb dream.” Now the adult part of me knows I should just keep walking, but then I was never any good at listening to that side as I twist round… The feelings for shame and guilt overwhelm me as I look between the Gardaí and Aoibhe as she picks me up, incapable of stopping the tears from falling  during the ride home, as if I have been holding them back for far too long, which is probably true. Choking up inside by the crushing pain, as I manage to whisper out. “I’m sorry…” My voice growing in intensity, “I’m so fucking sorry for everything I have done …” Letting out another gut-wrenching sob, as I twist to avoid her gaze, pausing as she opens the front door, choosing to do the only thing I know I’m good at. I run, for my life, from my life. The voices a distant blur, much like my vision, as my heavy heart beats match the heavy thump of my footsteps, each bringing me nearer. My head filled with a thousand thoughts, my lifetime with my parents, those alone almost cause me to stumble over, grasping hold of the railing the salty air stings at my tear-stained cheeks. Without a single thought I climb over. “Cait…Cait, what the fuck are you doing?” Taking off across the sand, a lot more like stumbling and falling than actual running, as my feet sink further into the damp surface, the waves calling me, as I wade deeper and deeper. Each crash against the shore pulses through my system like my own waves of grief, as I fall to my knees wanting nothing more than to be consumed, anything to stop this paralyzing pain. No sooner do I feel the coolness rush over me, than it’s all ripped away from me, and I’m being pulled away. I mewl like a baby, fighting to be let go of, but in honesty all the fight has left my body as we crash against the shore. Concern washes over her features as she pushes the damp locks from my face. “Let it out Cait, let it break you, trust in those that love you to help you heal.” It's only then under the setting sun for the first time in my life, I let myself fall apart, and hope somehow, someday it will be okay.

[anelusiverush]

"I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up."

I refuse to even acknowledge the jack hamming that is currently residing in my head, as I spit out the toothpaste flicking the tap on, watching the watch whirl the gunge down the drain, quite an appropriate metaphor for my current state of affairs. The clanking from the kitchen reminding me that I’m not alone, as my eyes cast over the effects of a discombobulated night, as I try to detangle some of the worse affect strands of hair, not even sure why I even give a shit. Shuffling my way out to the kitchen, confusion swamps my features as I take in the scene in front on me, Aoibhe at the stove cooking. I’m not sure why I expected it to by my mam given yesterday, but I was too exhausted both physically and emotionally to figure out this many levels of fucked up in my head this early, shaking my head as I pull open the fridge grabbing the cold comfort, popping the lid open. Taking a large sip of the hoppy goodness, leaning my hip against the counter as Aoibhe’s eyes finally find mine, albeit more the beer in my hand. “A little early or that, isn’t it?” The worry clear in her tone, yet I offer her nothing more than a shrug as a reply, I don’t feel the need to explain given my current mood. We’re momentarily locked in a silent stare off before she caves and ferries two plates laden with food to the table, the smell reminding me just how long it’s been since I’ve actually eaten a proper meal. The rumble causing my feet to propel me towards the table, but just as I take my seat something inside of me clenches up…Coffee. I stare at the mugs as if they are venomous snakes, which may strike out at any given moment, my throat feeling dry as I watch Aoibhe raise hers to her lips. Blinded by my own emotional distress, I smack the cup away from her. “Son of a…” The resounding shatter of clay as it hits the tiled floor was the only noise heard above her expletives, as I grab the other mug upending it in the sink. Violently slamming each cupboard as I search for the evidence, snatching up the canisters stomping past her. The shocked expression clear for anyone to read, she clearly thinks I have lost the plot, and she’s probably not far from the truth. Giving her a pointed stare as I swing open the front door. “No fucking coffee, got it?” Not even waiting for a reply as I march down the drive, gravel be damned, as I fling open the lid of the bin, almost sling shooting each coffee canister inside. “Are you actually throwing it all away?” I refuse to meet Aoibhe’s gaze. “Are you planning on staying out there so everyone can see you doughnut panties?” A curt huff escapes my lips as my cheeks flame, surreptitiously tugging at the hem of the shirt, muttering to myself as I make my way in. Pausing as my arm brushes against her, looking her dead in the eye. “Why are you even here?” For a moment something flickers across her features, before becoming stoic as she backs away. “We should eat.” I hang back by the door almost jealous of the ease she moves with, how her life didn’t just implode, I was being selfish and petty, needing to lash out and unfortunately by merely being a decent human and friend Aoibhe had inadvertently become the target, as I filled hollow void which used to contain my heart with resentment. The scraping of the cutlery against the plate, grates on my frayed nerves as I edge closer, eventually dumping my arse back in the chair. Lifting my fork to poke around at the food in front of me, only my appetite from earlier completely gone. “Just try a little something.” Aoibhe’s soft tone causes tears to prickle in my eyes dropping the fork down as I push the plate away, reaching out for the beer instead, only to find her hand suddenly wrapped around my wrist. “You can’t keep drinking, Caitlín. You need to eat.” Trying to jerk my hand back. “The fuck I can’t.” The anger clearly evident in my tone. “I can’t stand by and watch you drink yourself into another stupor.” Snatching the bottle out of my hands she marches over to the sink pouring the contents down the drain. “What the fuck!” Grabbing the remaining cases from the fridge, she almost follows every footstep I took as she storms outside depositing them in the bin, alongside the coffee. Heaving out a breath as she gets right up in my face. “I won’t let you destroy your fucking life, Caitlín. Hate me as much as you want, but I won’t let you do that.” “My life is already destroyed.”

[anelusiverush]

"𝓘 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓭𝓻𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓘 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓽𝓻𝓾𝓽𝓱 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓲𝓽 𝓴𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓼 𝓶𝓮."

Pushing a few wet locks from my forehead, I surreptitiously take in the crowd that has formed in the room, most of which I know are casual friends of my parents. Keeping my gaze focused on the ground as I weave through the crowd, refusing to acknowledge any gestures, or kind words offered. Choosing instead to stare blankly at the trays of food laid out on one of the tables, all the little sandwiches cut into triangles. Tilting my head to study them, does anyone really care for that detail? Does it make them any easier to eat? It all feels…pointless, none of these matters. Why do we even bother with any of this? Like hey, let’s toast the dead. Snorting out a humourless laugh as I flick at a carrot stick, who honestly gives a fuck, this isn’t for them. These are just societies expectations again, and if you don’t get it right, somehow you fail as a daughter. Turning to look at everyone, their curious gazes catch mine, I’m sure they all think I’ve already failed. After all, I’m the daughter who fled to another country. “Perhaps you’d like to say a few words…” Startled by Orla’s voice at my side, as I whip my head round to all by glare at her, she can’t be fucking serious. Feeling my jaw fall open, but no words. The clear disappointment in her sigh, her gaze dropping to my current state of disarray, a hand on my shoulder making me jump, as I come eye to eye with Sean. For that split moment I don’t know what to do, but I do feel this overwhelming urge to punch him in his face, especially when he winks, causing me to silently seethe. As he turns away from me, I picture smashing his face into the rather large gateau on the table, making the corners of my lips twitch with a smile. “On behalf of, Caitlín. I would like to thank you all for coming to celebrate the life of Eoghan and Aoife O’Neill. Which was tragically cut short, as I’m sure you’re all aware, as their only child this is a very difficult time for Caitlín, but I know she appreciates your support, and well wishes. So please, let’s take a moment to remember those good times we all shared with them, and share a drink. Thank you.” Un…Fucking…Believable…I stand there burning holes in his back, as Orla swoops in hooking her arm round his, pulling him into the depths of biddy zone. Folding my arms across my chest, I ponder an actual wall instead of cake. “Here…” My eyes zero in on the bottle of beer waving in front of me, greedily swiping it up, almost downing half before even looking as to whom gave me it. Aoibhe shakes her head as she glances over at the same direction. “He was always smarmy.” Raising a curious brow, as I slowly sip the rest of the beer, remembering all the times at college she had rolled her eyes at him, and the arguments that would ensue because she didn’t like him putting me down. Aoibhe has been the first person to see through his bullshit, if only I had been as perceptive as her, it would have saved a lot of trouble down the line. Having set up my own little camp of sorts in the corner of the room, people soon got the idea I wasn’t in the mood to be social, or even acknowledge their existence, which was unless they came with alcohol, that at least earnt an appreciative grunt. Thankfully, Orla had relished in the notion of being in control, and had left me wallow, the only one that lingered in my pit of despair had been Aoibhe, she never tried to make me talk, or engage with others, she just got that my silence spoke louder than any words could. I wince at the latest alcoholic offering arrives… Whiskey. Letting the tumbler roll between my fingertips, as I watch the warm amber liquid dance around. I am vaguely aware of the scrapping of the chair opposite, and the figure appearing, but too far gone to care. Bringing the rim to my lips, the scent should act as a warning, as I throw my head back taking in all. Holding in my cough as I feel the burn, slamming the glass down, blearily staring at whomever is here disturbing my bubble. “I loved your parents too, Cait. You know they wanted us together, they would want this…” Before I can react, Sean has taken hold of my hand in a bid to kiss me like he hadn’t fucked my childhood best friend. Slamming back as if the table is on fire, toppling my chair in the process as I stumble towards him yelling out. “How dare you, how fucking dare you! I hate you! You disgust me!” Knocking him off his feet as he attempts to stand from his chair. “I love you, Cait…” Seething I kick and thrash about against the tight bands restraining me, as I claw at Aoibhe’s arms trying to remove her hold on me, spitting out as I look at Sean. “Love me? What the fuck do you know about love Sean? How dare you use the death of my parents as a way to get close to me, just stay the fuck away, grow crawl back under whatever rock you came from.” “Come on, home time for you.” Refusing to meet Aoibhe’s gaze as I brush off her attempts to make me leave. “Alrighty then…” Not missing then amused tone in her voice, as she sudden grabs hold on me and flings me over her shoulder, fireman style. To be fair I was too exhausted and too drunk to fight it anymore. Thankfully the cab ride home it short and uneventful, and with Aoibhe’s help I’m soon tucked up in bed, feeling my eyes grow heavier with every breath, the darkness becoming my comfort, my place to escape all of this pain.

[anelusiverush]

"𝓘 𝔀𝓪𝓷𝓷𝓪 𝓬𝓻𝔂 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓘 𝔀𝓪𝓷𝓷𝓪 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮, 𝓫𝓾𝓽 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓶𝔂 𝓽𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓼 𝓱𝓪𝓿𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓮𝓷 𝓾𝓼𝓮𝓭 𝓾𝓹."

True to my word I picked myself up off the mud that night, I collected my things signed the endless forms, and vanished into the darkness. I didn’t miss the looks, ranging from sympathetic to what the fuck. If you asked me how I got home that night, I couldn’t tell you, I couldn’t even tell you how I managed to get to bed. But I certainly woke there, still in my mud-stained clothing. There had been the occasional knock to the door, but I hadn’t responded, quite simply the world outside no longer warranted my attention. Everything was in place for today, except me, I couldn’t even bring myself to pull on the dress. Instead choosing to sit sipping beer in my underwear, watching early morning cartoons. That was until the hammering started on the door, turning up the volume, hoping whoever the fuck it was they’d get the hint. After all, the whole fucking town knew what day it was, surly no one would be that insensitive? Letting out a disgruntled huff. Glancing over at the clock, well it’s too early for the funeral cars, feeling my body stiffen when I hear his voice, reacting on instinct as I march over swinging open the door. My anger prickling as Sean’s obvious perusal, until his eyes land on the bottle. “Why the fuck are you drinking, Cait?” Biting back my retort, after all it’s pretty obvious as to why. “I’m not complaining, but maybe that isn’t the correct attire for today, maybe you should put something on.” Only then do I remember my state of undress, glancing between the two of us, I’m still yet to figure why he’s here, but the smirk on his face just pisses me off. So, I do what any mature woman would do in my situation, I give him the finger and storm off to my room. Yanking the dress off the hanger and slipping it on, I allow the anger at him to fuel my movements, keeping me focused as I tear the brush through my hair. I can hear him, moving around in my fucking home. I have no clue why his is here, on top of everything else the last thing I need to deal with is drama. The church was packed to the rafters for the service, but from the moment I stepped from the car all wanted to do was dig my heels in a refuse to acknowledge this was happening. I wanted to be that child that covered their eyes and hide from reality, the reality that my parents had died. It was all too soon that I was being ferried to the cemetery, barely a handful of words had been parted, none from me. It was all I could do to remember to keep breathing, especially when the cars came to a halt. The crunch of the gravel underfoot feels like it grates on the very bones of my soul, as I fight hard internally not to just take off running as far away from here as I can get. My animosity grows, as Sean pulls me against him murmuring. “I got you.” Feigning a stumble as I intentionally plunge my heel into his toes, my inner child hums with glee as he lets out a grunt releasing me. Whether he is aware of it or not, his temporary distraction is what got me here, although I still hate him for what he done to me, I used that anger to get me through all this. Giving my head a little shake as I listen to the Priest, my eyes cast over all the flowers, even though I stipulated family flowers only I guess some thought they were about such requests, as my gaze filters through the crowd settling on Orla, if ever there was one whom felt they were entitled, it was her. Our eyes meet briefly, and I see it there. She’s waiting just like the rest of them, waiting for me to break. Offering her nothing more than a nod, I turn back to the two beautiful wooden coffins, which now contained my parents. No correction now contained the bodies, the hollow empty shells. A lot like my own, yet mine still had a heartbeat, and was still breathing…just. Stumbling forward as they begin lowering them, only to be caught by Sean’s firm grasp. Nodding as I straighten myself out, taking the offered deep red carnations, closing my eyes as I drop one either side, knowing at least they will be together. Moving back, as I focus on the soft mounds of dirt slowly moving, until I feel dampness on my cheeks, lightly reaching up to brush my fingers over my cheek confused. Slowly tilting my head up, as the cool splodges of rain hit my skin, growing in intensity, sending most of the crowd fleeing for cover. Mammy’s words echo in my head, causing a bubble of laughter to escape my lips, as I hold my arms out, letting the rain wash me away.

[anelusiverush]

"𝓦𝓱𝓮𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓽𝓪𝓬𝓱𝓮 𝓲𝓼 𝓸𝓿𝓮𝓻."

Time: the very thing we spend half our life craving more of, and the other wasting. Rarely do we ever see the value in time, in that moment until it is passed. Till it becomes a faded distant memory, that we drag up on cold nights to relive, comforting ourselves with the warm and fuzzies. Even now, each damn tick of that fucking clock should be clasped tightly, but instead I find myself pacing around the room, deafened by the silence. The times I have ventured out of this room, have been filled passing people dotted around in huddled groups, or passing whispered messages over their phones. The constant reminder of the void I created in my life, and I only have myself to blame. Raking my fingers through my hair, tugging it harshly into a pony tail, my gaze softens as I look over at my father. The nurse’s words from this morning come rushing back, the sorrow held in the depths of her eyes, I concentrate on every shaky breath his chest struggles to take. Soon… soon he’ll be back with the woman he has loved forever, and I’ll be here... Alone. Moving closer to his side, my fingers tremble as I lightly brush them through his hair, I don’t even try to stop the tears from silently sliding down. Taking a moment to catalogue his every feature, especially those which are similar to mine, and despite all the years taking their toll, all I will ever see is the man that keep me safe from the monsters that lurked under my bed. Hours lost in the counting of each breath taken, in followed by out, the shaky discourse of that line at any moment will change. Irrevocably destroying my life as I know it, in one small bleep, one tiny breath out without an in, the fall without the rise, no steady thump. For now, I remain rooted to this spot, as if glued to this hard lump of plastic, which surely has moulded to take my form over the course of the past three days. Three days…Seventy-two hours…If we’re lucky, his words echo in my ears. Time, that precious thing none of us value, is running out. This isn’t a movie, I can’t press pause, no hero is going to appear with a miracle cure for this. My dad is about to die, my Mam has already gone. I watch as the setting sun casts a warm glow over his sleepy features, wishing we could step back in time, go back to when we were all together, did I truly appreciate what I had? Does anyone until they lose it? The overwhelming silence consumes the void as I stand, slipping off my trainers I slide carefully up onto the bed, making sure not to disturb the remaining wires, as I gently pull my dad into my arms. Tears prickle in my eyes, as I softly kiss his forehead, taking a few moments to myself just to savour holding him one last time. Swallowing hard, fighting to find my voice, albeit shaky and barely above a whisper, it’s there. “It’s going to be okay, Daddy…” Knowing that’s my biggest lie ever, as I take hold of his hand lifting it in between us holding it over my heart.

 “I’m going to be okay…” Another lie. “You can go to, Mammy. She misses you and needs you.” Neglecting to add on how much I need you both. “I love you, Daddy. Its okay, I promise…I’ll never stop loving you or Mammy. You’ll always be here.” Pressing his hand against my heart, letting out a shaky breath as the tears continue to fall, refusing to let go of him. “You were always so strong for me, always looking after me, you were everything I could ever wish for in a dad and more. I let you down so many times, but you never stopped loving me, you never gave up, even when I ran away. You always knew, you and Mammy were my home, my heart. I always wanted to be like you, to make you proud, but all I had been just me. I love you so much, Daddy. Its okay, I promise, I swear. I won’t ever let you down.” Somewhere in the mix of mumbled words, promises and tears a silent flat bleep resonates. No more in’s, no more out’s, the only thumps, are the gut-wrenching beat of my own heart, as I let out what could only be described as inhuman, incoherent cry. Bawling like a baby as I cling to his shirt, replaying the words ‘He’s gone.’ Over and over, stuck like a punishing record, making me want to take back every last word I said, beg him to come back, but somehow the words just won’t form. As the bawling turning to whimpering, I feel a hand on my arm, I’m not ready, please, please, please…Don’t make me let go yet…In my peripheral I can see them, but they can’t have him, not yet. Moving my hands to cup his face, shaking mine softly as I whisper out.

“Goodbye Daddy, take care of Mammy now, I love you.” Kissing him one more time, before pausing to remove his wedding ring, slipping in on my thumb. Sliding down against the wall in the far corner, my heart breaks all over again as I watch them pull the cover over his face, as I sit twisting his ring they disconnect all the machines. Finally, I jump up as they begin to move the bed, halting their movement as I pull the cover back, leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead, before stepping back. I watch for as long as I can, until he’s out of sight, and I take off. Running god only knows where, through the maze of corridors, crashing through the doors into the night sky. The cold rain barely having an effect as I slip and slide across the ground, before eventually crashing down in a heap, clawing as the grass, screaming, and crying into the darkness.

[anelusiverush]

"𝓘'𝓵𝓵 𝓷𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓵𝓮𝓪𝓿𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓪𝓵𝓸𝓷𝓮."

Dad’s words bounced around in my head, teasing the very elements of my brain that for the most part had remained dormant, safely tucked away in the deep recesses of my mind, where no one could touch or hurt me. Pretty shitty timing to be having some half-baked epiphany over my non-existent life, I guess I could blame yet another sleepless night, or just how uncomfortable this fold up bed is. But isn’t that the price? These final few moments with my dad, time that I will never get back, no matter how scratchy the sheets are. The soft glow reminding me again just how fleeting everything is, my gaze finding the soft rise and fall of his chest, blowing out a heavy breath as I tuck my legs up curling up into a ball. I should take comfort that soon he’ll be back in the arms of his love, my Mammy. But I can’t help that selfish side of me that wants him to stay here with me, even though I know that won’t happen. I’m terrified of what will become of me without them, I’m not ready for this, I want to scream and shout about how unfair this is. How they didn’t deserve this, how I don’t deserve it. But none of that will change the reality, somehow I have to get through this, I’m just not sure I can. Even when I stood there holding Mam’s hand I couldn’t say those words, and I know in my heart I won’t say them to him. I can’t, I won’t ever say goodbye to anyone who means the world to me. Even facing the inevitable physical end, I know deep down I’ll always carry them with me in my heart. Another nameless face with a warm smile wander in, and as she sets about doing the usual checks, I slip out in search of my usual hit. Admittedly I only venture to the far end of the corridor, I’m sure the stuff in the cafeteria tastes better, but I’m not willingly to waste such little time on matters. Jabbing away at the buttons, I soon have my hands clasped around the steamy goodness, but I’m frozen. Locked in an internal battle, as I stare down as the creamy complexion, slowly lifting the plastic to my lips as the aroma wakens my senses, but all I hear is Mam’s lecture. Closing my eyes as a groan slips out, followed closely by a low curse, I toss the coffee in the bin. Pressing a different series of numbers, because apparently I’m now giving up coffee, just as Mam wanted me to do for so long. Swiping up the cup of hot chocolate, grumbling as I make my way back into his room. A loud wheeze, followed by a harsh cough startle me from my musings, as I almost drop the remaining drink on the floor, darting to the side of my dad’s bed, desperately searching over his features, the strain evident in his eyes. Helping him lift the oxygen mask off, as I bring the straw to his mouth. I gesture isn’t lost on me, how our roles have shifted. My dad, once the man that took care of me. Helped me eat and drink while I was sick, held my hand while I was scared, kissed the pain away when I scuffed my knee. Now he needed me to be that one for him, all I could do was try. Dabbing away the droplets of split water, before fixing the mask in place, taking hold of his hand. Words seem pointless as I see it there, he knows…I was stupid thinking he wouldn’t know what was going on. I don’t even know how they started, but once they began falling, the tears wouldn’t seem to stop. The hoarse whisper of his voice, compelling the very basic instinct inside of me, as I climb up on his bed, carefully climbing curling into his side. The weight of his arm across my side, brings both comfort and security, as the tears turn to sobs. “It’s going to be okay, half pint.” His words meant to bring comfort as he tugs on my hair, only they don’t, they serve to further remind me of everything I am losing. I’m not sure how long I spent curled up there, at least until the patience of the nurse had run out, and I was forced to sit back in the chair. I was being greedy taking comfort from a dying man, I knew I had to try and be strong for him, he needed me to be okay even if I wasn’t. Most of the day passed in a calmer manner, during the moments Dad was awake, we’d talk anything and everything together. I couldn’t help but smile seeing the way his eyes would always light up whenever he spoke of Mam, but I was quickly learning their life wasn’t as Disney as Mam had always lead me to believe, and strangely that gave me hope. I had always pushed myself, whether it was at school or work, but fear of failure had held me back in more ways than I had realised. As I helped the nurse clear away the mess I made helping Dad eat some soup for tea, she passes me a worn old copy of some random novel. For a while I just sit there, toying with the pages, brushing the pad of my thumb over and over them, the words in print bringing a strange sense of comfort. Books had always been my escape from the world, a safe place where there was no playground bullies, no name calling. Within these pages no one pointed out how different you were, here you were a treasured member of their world. A subdued smile spreads across my features, as I glance up at my dad’s sleepy gaze, settling back in the chair, without thought or reason I give voice to those very words.

[anelusiverush]

"𝓜𝔂 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓽'𝓼 𝓫𝓻𝓾𝓲𝓼𝓮𝓭."

Scooting closer as I pull up a chair taking his hand back in mine, grateful that there is more warmth to it than last night. Toying with his fingertips, pressing them against mine, almost measuring our hands in a childlike way. I make my decision there and then, to protect him in anyway way I can, like he always did me. If that means sparing him the pain of the truth, then so be it. I know he would understand. Perched on the edge of my bed, I watch under the subdued lighting as the doctors make their checks, before moving aside motioning me to follow them, leaving the nurse administer the necessary pain relief. Unable to keep the smile from my face as I pass by my Dad, he was awake and alert, his eyes looking as bright as ever as I offer a little finger wave, before slipping out the room. A warm feeling flows through my system as I think about the past few moments spent with him, for all what the doctors had warned me, he was meant to barely be able to talk, let alone joke around with me. I guess despite all their tests they didn’t know just how strong my Daddy was, grinning to myself about him proving them wrong, I dip my head slightly pushing the office door open, muttering out as I am powerless to keep the joy from my tone. “You wanted to talk to me?” Raising my head only to see the doctor sat behind his desk pinching the bridge on his nose. “I was afraid this may happen…Please take a seat, Miss O’Neill.” My smile falters as I slip into the chair, offering the doctor nothing more than a raised brow. “Miss O’Neill, you father’s condition remains the same, I know this is difficult given…” Cutting him off. “Oh no…no, you were just in there, you saw him! Your tests are wrong, he’s getting better!” My head swimming with everything, all my thoughts and feelings drowning out the words he’s trying to say, I barely keep my eyes focused on the movement of his lips, as the blood rushes around my head and everything goes black. “Here, drink this.” I stare blankly down at the milky liquid, eventually reaching out a shaky hand quickly opting for two, cupping the plastic delicately. The heat barely registering against my skin, for once in my life wishing this was something stronger as I lift it to my lips, knocking it back as if it was a shot. Wincing in part at the revolting taste, and other in the sugary texture. Finishing the rest of the tea in much the same manner under the doctor’s watchful gaze, as I wipe my mouth on the sleeve, refusing to meet him in the eye. I didn’t need his sympathy, solely fixating on the thump of my heart, the slow steady pattern, as I kept my breathing; albeit shallow, steady. “Miss O’Neill…” Raising my hand cutting him off again. “Caitlín.” After all we were discussing the impending death of my father, formalities seemed so trivial at this point to me. “Okay, Caitlín. Your father, he’s been through a lot, his body just isn’t able to cope, if there was anything we could have done, rest assured we would have.” The logical side of me knows this, of course they would, I spent my whole life growing up with a doctor, I knew how they were, but my heart was hurting and just wanting them to fix him. Swallowing down the hard lump that has formed, gingerly I manage to drag my eyes up to his. “How long?” Watching as a mask of professionalism slips on, and I briefly ponder just how many times he’s had to delivery this kind of news. “Given the extent of his injuries, and the results today. We’re looking at forty-eighty hours, maybe seventy-two if we are lucky.” Wincing as the pain claws at my heart, shaking my head I stand ignoring the obvious weakness as each step is more like a drunken stumble, only pausing when I reach outside his room. I can’t let him see me like this, I need to hold it together for him, forcing myself to smile, I blow out a shaky breath as I push open the door. Grateful to see, although looking tired, he is still awake. “Hey, dad…” The strain clear in my tone as I pad over to his bed, scooping up his hand in mine, reaching up to neaten his hair. His hoarse chuckle causing me to stop, as reality hits…oh my god, I’ve become my mother. My fingers going rigid as I slowly move them away, offering him a sheepish grin. “You look just like her, half pint. Yet you’re my girl to the core.” My features soften as I help him take a sip of water. “I’m yet to decide if that’s a good or bad thing, as I seem to remember often being told you were a silly old goat.” Grinning playfully as I kiss his cheek, before taking my seat again. Watching his eyes dance with humour. “It’s all part of my charm, now tell your old man all about any boys you have met over there.” Thrown by his sudden question, I do everything I can to avoid his gaze, from checking the tubes, to the monitors, feeling the blazing sensation on my face. “Well, does my half pint has a crush?” Snorting out a laugh as I look up at him. “Daddy, crushes are for fifteen-year-olds, and look how that worked out.” Groaning out as I drop my head against his bed, refusing to even move as I feel his fingers softly stroke through my hair. “Caitlín, you were so young then. We all make mistakes; Sean just wasn’t the right one for you. In all the time you were together, I never once saw you truly happy, sometimes we fall into what we think should be, not what is meant to be.” Letting out a muffled agreement as I try a process everything he’s saying. “Did you ever hear the story of how your mother, and I met?” Curiosity causes my to raise my head a little. “Of course, it was at your graduation ball, you thought she looked like a princess, and the only one you wanted to dance with.” Unable to stop the smile tugging at the corner of my lips, in the memory of the well told tale. The sudden bark of laughter knocks me from my hazy dream. “Your Mammy was always a romantic, half pint. We met about six months before that, don’t get me wrong. She was the most stunning woman I have ever met. She had fire in her, a lot like you do. We actually met on a night out, she’d been out with the girls, me with the guys. You know how that is…” My brows raise as I try to think, causing him to pat my hand at my confusion. “I kissed her, next day she found out I was meant to be dating her friend, that woman slapped me so hard, I swear I can still feel it. That’s when I knew.” Scrunching up my features, bemused by his words. “Knew what daddy?” Watching as he grows sleepy. “That I would love her forever, trust your heart Caitlín, let those worthy in to love.”

[anelusiverush]

"𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓽𝓻𝓾𝓽𝓱 𝓲𝓼 𝓱𝓪𝓻𝓭𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓹𝓪𝓲𝓷 𝓲𝓷𝓼𝓲𝓭𝓮."

I’m not sure how long I laid there, just watching the empty darkness slowly take on a new dimension, as a soft warm glow filled the sky, at first eerily like alien tendrils robbing us of our shadows, then a more deeper almost sinister apparition of flame like edges consume the sky, burning down our very existence, maybe I should have taken those pills after all. Throwing back my covers, I wearily stand-up shuffling around my old childhood room, pausing at an old cork pin board. Whereas most girls would maybe have had photos of friends, concerts maybe, pics of their heartthrobs. What did I have? A collection of my favourite quotes ranging from different authors and poets to postcards of far-off locations I dreamed of visiting. The shelf underneath catches my attention as I scan over the well-worn novels laying there, letting out a huff, as amusement briefly flickers over my features. Moving to pull open the wardrobe, the clattering of the hangers filling the empty void, as I flip through the old clothes hanging there, deducing all very…practical. As I eye up my old dresser, wandering over pulling open the draw and pulling out the first pair of panties to hand, holding them up unable to hold back the look of disgust. “Holy shit! These might as well of had the days of the week still on them…No wonder he…” Three years, three fucking years and I still hold myself to blame for his actions, I loathed what I had become because of it, jaded and mistrusting. Which was hardly surprising given the text I received mere minutes from the car arriving to take me to church, to marry the man who I thought was the love of my life. Instead, I was faced with pictures of Sean getting a blow job from my best friend, in the back room of our local pub no less. I believed I was the laughing stock of the town, so I did what any other respectable lady would do in my situation, no I didn’t cry, I marched my arse down the hall to where my so-called maid of honour was, with one black eye and split lip later (not me, her) I was on my way to my wedding, minus my ex whorish best friend. The irony wasn’t lost on me, there he was stood at the end of the aisle waiting for me, my whole life, as I thought it would be, yet all I could think about was those images of them together, still to this day they are searing in my mind. I also learnt apparently attacking the groom on your wedding day is frowned upon, go figure, right? Thankfully, the local Gardaí was a friend of my fathers, unfortunately that also meant he was called to pick me up. Sean was wise enough not to press charges, and that night I sat in my dad’s field with my man made ‘Sean’ pyre, burning every scrap of our relationship, seven years of my life, gone up in smoke. Padding out to the kitchen searching through the cupboards before cursing, remembering my Mam’s lecture about drinking too much coffee, and how she’d thrown all that nasty stuff out. Scrubbing my hands over my face in frustration, knowing the taxi will soon be here, and I need something to kick start me before I walk into the unknown. Finally finding her supply of tea, usually my choice when I’m feeling a little under the weather, but it still contains caffeine, so it’s a winner until I can get to the hospital. Leaning back against the counter, I can almost picture countless memories, from Christmases, to birthdays. Learning how to bake cookies, and burn toast, all spent in this very room. Moving to brush my fingertips along the edge of the dining room table, I can hear Mam reciting the alphabet to me, to Dad teaching me all about the human body. We were…just us. It was all I ever needed, so now what? The ride was far too short, was I ready for this? Did I really have an option? Not really, the man who meant the world to me was dying, there was no way of sugar coating that. I couldn’t afford to keep denying the truth, I had mere days left with him. The results had shown his heart was too damaged from the attack he had suffered, although he had been resuscitated at the scene, they had to keep him under a medicated coma, in hope the rest would help his heart heal, unfortunately this was not to be, the double blow was to show that  also his kidneys had shut down, causing toxins to begin building up in his body, it was only a matter of time, that either his heart would completely fail or his failed kidneys would poison him once out of this coma. Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I make my way through the maze of corridors, torn between what’s right or wrong, I know they have begun to wake him from the coma, I know he is being moved to palliative care, thankfully I have been able to make arrangements to stay with him for these precious few days. How conscious of all this he will be through all this, I’m not sure. Do I tell him about Mam? Should I tell him? I mean she was the love of his life, but should his last few moments be spent in horrendous heartbreak over losing her? Will he even know he’s dying too?

[anelusiverush]

"𝓢𝓸 𝓵𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓪𝓰𝓸."

I’m not sure how long I stood there for, time had lost all meaning, and reality had lost its cause. That fragile thread that kept me anchored here, had almost faded away, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. This wasn’t a movie, or a book, no magic fairy godmother was going to fly in and make all my dreams come true. My whole world was being torn apart, and it was all I could do to stop myself from being pulled under with it. The one person I took so much strength from growing up, he needed me to be strong now, when all I wanted to do was curl up on the bed, like the frightened little girl I was, the very ebbs of existence I had relied on so much, were gone, my beloved mother laid cold, no longer would she fuss and button up my coat, no longer could she phone and fuss over what I ate. No longer would I feel her arms wrapped around me, and like the coward I always was, I wanted to vanish with them. As much as I had ran away from everything, I believed stupidly I would always have them. I should have known, I had been naive to think they would always be there. “Miss O’Neill, we really need to discuss the results the results with you.” Acting the petulant child, I very much at this moment, I shake my head, tightening my fingers around his hand, noting the whiteness in my fingertips, instantly wincing as I imagine I’m hurting him, loosening my grip as brush the pad of my thumb over the back of his hand in a comforting gesture, for him, or me? I’m not sure. I’m instantly flooded back to all those times he held my hand. “Miss O’Neill, is there someone maybe that can come and sit with you? A partner? Family? Friend?” Again, refusing to give voice to them, I just shake my head, I’ve kept myself so isolated the years, the stark reality of what I truly have hits. Other than my parents, I have no other family. I have no friends, and I certainly have no partners romantically, hell I don’t even have time to date…correction. I make sure I don’t have time to date. Work, I have work, and I make sure to bury myself in. Swallowing hard, I almost stumble forward, my legs far too weak, speaking aloud to the doctor, nurses, myself maybe? “How is this fair? It was their anniversary you know, of course you don’t…why would you.” Blowing out a breath. “She’d always wanted to go to that restaurant, but complained it was too pricy, see even after all those years together, she was just happy to be with him, never needed anything flashy. Oh god…they were so fucking cute together; it would have made you sick to see how in love they still were.” Swiping away the tears as they fall. “Every Friday without fail, he’d bring her flowers, she’d call him a silly old fool, but kiss him so sweetly on his cheek with a flush on her cheeks.” Letting out a short chuckle. “He’d try to diet, so she’d sneak him cookies into his pack up, and remind him to her he was perfect…This shouldn’t be happening…” I hate this, I hate how if I look at them now all I’ll see is pity. They still had so much of their life to live together, to grow old together, now they’ll never get that, I’ll never get that. Barely whispering out. “Please, please…don’t take him from me too, I have no one, nothing left if you do. I just, I can’t…” I know it’s useless, I know, I do, but hell I’d try anything, give anything just to have him back. Moments pass in almost silence, except for the echoes as the room filled by my weeping. The crushing pain of their words, nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen, or what I was about to face over the next few days. Under the advisement of the doctors, I head home to get some much-needed sleep, as if the is ever going to happen, even with the tablets the doctor gave me. The crunch of the gravel underfoot instead of welcoming, brings a sense of foreboding. My childhood home, my sanctuary. The one place I should always have been able to have felt comfortable, suddenly feels hollow. I almost find myself wishing something would be different, from the creak of the door to that distinct smell, that just is, well...just home. Pausing by the door, I allowing myself a moment to let my eyes roam undisturbed, acting on instinct as if Mam’s voice is in the back of my head as I pull of my trainers, leaving them by the door, as I walk over pour fresh water in the vase of flowers. Refusing to even look in their room as I carry my bag down to my old childhood room, the pale violet comforter still on my bed, dotted with the odd stuffy and awards of the shelves, but my most favourite thing…a framed photograph. A montage of moments captured and crudely cut and stuck together, clutching it to my chest as I curl under the covers, I’m not sure how I actually have any more tears left to shed, but here they come again.

[anelusiverush]

"𝓣𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓴 𝓽𝔀𝓲𝓬𝓮."

Feeling a gentle shake on my shoulder, groaning as I stiffly try to move, and for that split moment somewhere between my sleep induced brain and reality, none of this was real, and what a beautiful 5 seconds they were. Wincing slightly as my body aches from me obviously passing out against my dad’s bed, his hand still clutched in mine, as my bleary eyes search out the figures on the machinery. “Miss O’Neill, we need you to step outside while we run some tests.” Numbly standing up, offering the nurse nothing more than a nod, as I turn and leave the intensive care bay, stopping outside the visitor’s room to snatch up a cup of much needed coffee. “Caitlín! Oh my god, Caitlín! Why didn’t you call me?” Barely twisting my head round to see Orla come shuffling up the corridor, shortly followed by her husband. Blowing the steam off the liquid, before swallowing a mouthful, relishing the feel of the burn as I keep a careful watch on my Mam’s friend. Whom is presently now stood in front of me with her hands on her hips, in a ‘well then’ gesture that I quite frankly could do without. Taking another large gulp, before murmuring. “Orla…Colm.” Trying to motion the waiting room to no avail. “Well, where are they?” I look around blowing out a heavy breath, but I’m cut off before I can reply. “Caitlín Mae, I have known you since you were knee high, stop staring at me like some gumball, I want to see my friends, just because you swan in here from your fancy city with your fancy job. You still left them…” Blanching at her words, as each one drive a nail further home, as Colm tries to tug her away. “No, Colm, no. She needs to know what she put them through, she broke their hearts.” Dropping the plastic cup on the floor, what little remaining coffee sloshes over the tiles, causing them to turn and face me again. “Colm maybe right, it’s not the place. But it’s true Caitlín. Now I have a bag of things for your Mam, it should help perk her right up, you know how us girls always feel a little better after our hair is down, and we have a little lippy on.” Watching in disbelief as she turns and pats Colm on the chest, asking him to fetch the bag. Somewhere in the back of my mind I hear my name being called, but I just can’t seem to pull from this ridiculous scene in front of me. Barely choking out a whispered. “No…” Before growing louder with each one. “No, NO, NO! NO! NO! NO! Don’t get the fucking bag! No one wants or needs fucking lipstick!” Stumbling back as I fight an impending panic attack. “See, Colm, always an ungrateful spoilt child! I told her, I told Aoife.” Practically screaming out. “Fuck you, Orla!” Refusing to move as she moves closer. “I’m not going anywhere until I see her, until I see my friend.” I’m not sure how long either of us stood there, me refusing to comment, her refusing to back down. The logical part of me knew I should have just told her, let her know exactly what had happened. Part of me didn’t know how to say the words, as if giving voice to them, made them more real. But another part of me wanted to lash out at everyone, to hurt them, like I was hurting. “Miss O’Neill.” This time his voice far clearer in my mind, causing me to immediately twist away from Orla towards him. “If I could have a word…” he pauses to look over my shoulder, “Family?” I look back at Orla, who for once looks hopeful, replying without taking my eyes of hers. “No, not family. No one at all really.” Before turning away and following him into an office, rubbing my hands over my face as I sit down, mumbling out an apology. “Not to worry, Miss O’Neill. Unfortunately, times like this can cause great stress to a lot of parties.” Scoffing a little as I lean back in the chair, rolling the kinks in my shoulders. “Something like that, doc.” A soft smile plays on his lips, and I ponder how many times he’s had to do this, to have this type of talk with the next of kin. Shaking my head, I shift to sit forward more. “Can I see her?” Nodding, he shuffles through some papers before speaking again. “As you are aware, you mother was on the organ donor register, I know you gave consent upon arrival. I just wanted to update you on how the surgery went, to prepare you for what to expect, given the accident as well.” Nodding. Numbly, I sit through one of the worse conversations of my life to date. At this very moment I would give anything to be on the other side of it all again, all those times I’ve stood there watching the relatives walk into this room, I can’t do it, I can’t! I can barely lift my hand as my whole-body trembles, my fingertips hardly grazing the cold metal as I somehow find the strength to push the door open. I want to clamp my eyes shut, just like you do as a child when you see something scary. Do I want to see her like this? Can I cope with this? Keeping my eyes trained on the floor, all I see is the tips of my trainers as my feet shuffle forward. The pounding of my heart drowning out the silence of the room, not a single bleep, reminding me this isn’t a room for the living, the smell of disinfectant stings my nostrils, as I lightly brush my fingers along the cool edge of the bed. Managing to lift my eyes enough to see the white sheet covering most of her body, lifting my head further as I look up at her face. They tell you they look like they are sleeping. But I’ve seen Mam sleep, and it’s usually slack jawed with a little drool, this is more a fake Disney snow white pose. Only her head is still waddled in bandaging from the blunt force trauma to her head that unfortunately killed her. Gingerly reaching out for her hand, I’m overwhelmed by all the things I want to say to her, to hear her tell me off, to complain as she buttons up my coat. To have all those moments I took for granted back again, to just have her, not this, never this. No one should ever have to go through this, closing my eyes as bend over softly kissing her cool cheek, whispering. “I love you, Mammy.” I silently stand there for as long as I’m able, telling her everything I never could while she was alive.

[anelusiverush]

"𝓣𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓶𝓪𝓼𝓺𝓾𝓮𝓻𝓪𝓭𝓮 𝓲𝓼 𝓰𝓮𝓽𝓽𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓸𝓵𝓭𝓮𝓻."

Chapter 1.

We’ve all had those moments in life, which split second decision made that instantly alters the course of our life, hell I’ve made enough of my own. I grew up watching every other girl wanting to become like their Mammy, to settle with a good man, to have a family of their own. I knew of my parent’s struggles; I had heard the tales of the constant heartbreak that was until I came along. Was I spoilt? Of course. I was brought up to believe I could be anything I wanted to be, that I didn’t have to settle. Mam, herself had been a primary school teacher, and my Dad a doctor, eventually opening his own local practice. They were a much-loved figure around our community, and I the apple of their eye. Mam always said I was like my Dad, focused and driven to a fault, often forgoing parties to study. I wasn’t the most popular girl growing up, but I was okay with that, I was comfortable with who I was. I had them, and they always supported me. Even when I started dating Sean, I was just a mere fifteen, and he a whole year older, at the time I thought this made him more sophisticated. He’d hold my hand, take me to the movies, and for milkshakes. He was my first in a lot of things, first kiss, first touch… Ha! What did you expect I was fifteen when I met him, but he also was my first heartbreak. In a knee jerk reaction, I gave up university, gave up everything up and left this country. Regrets? Oh, I have many, but my biggest regret was leaving my parents, I simply walked out on them, the ones who meant the world to me, I let heartbreak from a total idiot keep me away. For everything they have down, all they have sacrificed, how did I repay them? First time I faced something harder than a scuffed knee, and I run for the hills, or in fact for England. Brushing my fingers lightly down his arm, as I keep my eyes fixated on the slow rise and fall of the ventilator, all the words I want to say to him hanging off the tip of my tongue, unable to fall. Just the same as the tears I am unable to shed as he lays there, barely noticing as the nurse checks all the monitors. The need to curl up on his lap, and have his big arms wrap round me again, like he always did when I woke from a nightmare is strong. Except this is my new reality, there is no waking from this. Never… never did it occur to me I would have to face this, the reality of my situation, the heart-breaking trauma of those words, I was naive to even begin to believe losing my crappy relationship even compared to what I had lost now. To wake to the police at the door, the sadness written as plain as day across their features, to hear those words utter from their lips… I collapsed. Even know some twelve hours later, his words still sound as if they were under water, all I could gather, was car crash, and critical condition. It was all I could do to breathe, to function. Nothing seemed real, it couldn’t be after all, they were out celebrating their anniversary, and now… now they were being rushed to hospital, and where was I? In another fucking country! Threading my fingers through his, I squeeze my eyes shut briefly, how to I tell him? Do I tell? What if? Oh god…Resting my cheek against his hand, feeling slightly startled by the coolness of his skin, I tilt my head up to look at him, as it all becomes too much, and I squeeze his hand tighter, as my whole-body shudders as I sob. “I need you, Daddy. I can’t lose you too.”