The multifaceted story of me and my many beginnings. I'm a daughter, sister, wife, mom, lupus warrior, crossfit lover, whipple procedure survivor, vegetarian, Christ follower and so much more.
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It has been 8 years since I had the surgery that saved my life. (We were told I had 3 months max if I didn't have the surgery) I was the lucky 1 in a million Caucasian female that needed a whipple proceedure at my age and without cancer. Little did we know that my life would be completely different. It wasn't fun or easy but totally worth it.
Everything in red was removed.
#togodbetheglory #whippleproceedure
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Enough
I think the feeling of complete insufficiency is normal for most moms. Well, it's a very normal feeling for me. Last night our son woke us a little after 11pm crying frantically. He had a bad dream and all he could say was "I want to stay home. I want stay home.". His dad got up first to comfort him but in the end our son was crying for his mom.
Honestly, I didn't want to get up. I had only been sleeping about 30 minutes and getting up wasn't in the plan. He came into our room crying with his blanket and stuffed, blue cow under his arms. I pulled him close and began quietly singing "Jesus loves me" in his ear. He calmed down enough to want to go back to his bed but once he entered his room the crying started up again.
I got up and held him close as he's cried. As I sat down on the couch to cuddle him I asked if he wanted to watch something on tv. A little broken voice through the tears said, "the old show I watch when I'm sick.". My mind started going through all the files of old movies we had watched together. Then suddenly, I knew exactly what movie he wanted. The Fox and The Hound 2!! Ha! I knew the answer!!!
As soon as he saw the first image on the screen the tears stopped and his little 4 year old body relaxed and melted in my lap. He laughed and completely forgot about his bad dream. We sat hand in hand and watched the 1 movie that comforts him. He knows that if he's ever scared his mom will hold his hand until he let's go.
Silently, I was proud of myself for actually KNOWING what my little guy needed. But, my heart was overjoyed with hearing his sweet innocent giggle after also hearing his cries of fear. I never knew a little giggle could mean so much. I couldn't hear enough of them.
Later, he happily went back to bed after we looked over his room confirming it was up to his satisfaction and a quick reminder that Jesus is always watching him. Mom and dad also happily went back to bed. While laying in the bed, my husband said the nicest thing to me. He probably had no idea it would mean so much to me but I will treasure the words in my heart forever. He said, "you're a great mom. You knew exactly what he needed." He then began to ask how I knew it was that movie and why we held hands.
Most days I struggle within myself wondering if I'm doing anything right. Well last night I got it right! I loved and held my son exactly how he needed to be held. I knew exactly what he needed to comfort his little heart. I was enough! I was more than enough! I pray on our worst day I can think back to that night in October when I was the only person who could make it better and was perfectly enough.
Isn't it wonderful to know that we have a Father who knows exactly what we need at every moment?! He has no doubts, no fears, no hesitation. I only wanted the best for my like guy. God is the same way. We must never doubt that.
#momlife #doalltothegloryofgod #lupuswarrior
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SCARS
We all have scars, maybe from being covered in chicken pox or from that bicycle wreck where you meet the pavement up close and personal or the beautiful but scary day the delivery of baby didn't go as planned. No matter how we acquired them, they travel through life with us as a reminder.
I think it's safe to say that most do not have a scar that directly points to the day their life changed directions. I do. I see that scar everyday, multiple times each day. It stretches from the base of my sternum to right above my belly button. I consider it a large scar but it carries such meaning that I treasure it. I'm thankful for that imperfection.
This scars story started many years before the scalpel ever touched my skin. Honestly, I don't know the true beginning of the story. I do know that I heard a Dr tell me that I had lupus in April of 2003. I will never forget that phone call and the fear and uncertainty that swept over me. I had no clue what lupus was but judging by the tone of my Dr.'s voice it was serious. For the next 7 years my days had no consistency, except for pain. No matter how strong the medication was, no matter how good the day was, pain was a constant companion. A pain that hurt in the core of me. A pain the could start out as a tiny ache and grow into a tsunami of pain that would flow over me almost rhythmically for hours...days. Pain controlled every aspect of my life. I never left home without my bag of medication. My clothes had to fit just so and could not lay heavily on me. Hugs and a simply touch had to be given with the gentlest hand.
As the years passed the pain grew and life was little more than counting the hours to my next dose of medicine. My Dr.'s tried everything but it all failed till a simple blood test changed it all. That blood test showed an irregularity in my liver function. It wasn't a major irregularity but enough to warrant a second test. BINGO! That scan found it! My bile duct was cystic (enlarged). At the time I was 33. The specialist told me that my bile duct was the size of an 80 year olds. Surgery was put on the calendar.
Surgery day was April 6, 2010. I remember waiting in the waiting area with my husband and our pastor. Looking back I know I didn't really grasp how serious this surgery was. I was on so much pain medicine I was numb to most emotions. The surgery lasted 8 hours. But, the surgeon found more issues. Not only was my bile duct cystic but my pancreas was also cystic and half of it had to be removed. So at 33 years old I had what is called a whipple procedure. The lower portion of my stomach, galbladder, bile duct, half my pancreas and the upper portion of my small intestine were removed.
Remember, I lived on pain medication. I took 5 different narcotics daily and still hurt. Being on pain medication wasn't a new or odd feeling to me. It was normal. I clearly recall briefly waking up after the surgery and having my husband standing on the left side of my bed holding my hand. I looked him in the eyes and said, the pain is gone. He smiled an "ofcourse it is your on morphine smile" and gave me kiss on the hand. But he didn't understand, that pain that had been an unwanted companion for so many years was gone, really gone.
I spent 2 weeks in the hospital and another 6 weeks on bed rest recovering. It took months to get back to a "normal" life. Shortly after the surgery I convinced my pain clinic Dr that the pain med were no longer needed. He carefully and slowly weaned me off of them over the course of a year. One thing you must understand, typically a patient that is on this much medication stays on it for life. My story isn't typical or a normal occurrence at the pain clinic. But just like the day of my surgery, I had no pain. To this day, that pain is gone. Yes, I have aches and I have pain. I still have lupus.
My scar isn't simply from a surgery, it's from a surgery that changed my life...no it saved my life. Post surgery my gastroenterolgist sat me down and said that he hadn't told me pre surgery but I had only had 3 months to live. 3 months!! I went from truly being at the brink of death to having a full life before me in a matter of 2 months.
How is all of this possible you ask? Great doctors? Yes. Without the best team of doctors I would be dead. But I know, I watched God move my rheumatologist to run that blood test. She had already made the decision to not do the lab work and to wait til my next appointment the next month. But at the end of my appointment she said she couldn't get that test off her mind. She had to draw for that test. That was God! Intuition? Maybe. Luck? No not at all. God's unending grace? 100% God working His plan in my life? 1000 times yes!
I am a completely different person today from who I was in April 2003. I was given several amazing gifts. I was given years of nothing but time alone on the couch. I'm not going to lie, some days were torture. But I was able to spend hours studying and learning what I believe and finding out who God really is. I also learned what a pathetic example of a Christian i had been. God changed me and my heart.
I was also given a story or testimony showing God's grace, mercy and unbelievable love. How did I make it through all those years of pain? Only God's grace got me through it. I certainly did nothing that helped. I had nothing to give. I couldn't dress myself. What could I do? When we all stop and look at our lives, no matter our situations, none of us have anything to offer. God doesn't need me to be blemish free or in peek physical health. He needs me to willing to be scarred and willing to let His glory shine through this crazy amazing life He has allowed me to live.
I hope you understand, my scar is my own personal picture of grace. Everyday I am reminded that I am here for a reason. God so lovingly and graciously made me exactly who He needed me to be, scarred.
2 corinthians 12:9
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
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