angelholme - Tumblr blog

[angelholme]

One Week and One Day

It is eight days later, and four days since I arrived up here.

The last four days have mostly been spent in one of two ways.

The first has been going through paperwork, photographs, SD cards, tidying out cupboards and drawers and so on. Things to keep me busy. Things that serve two purposes :- to keep me busy and ensure I don't have to think, and to start the process of clearing out the house.

The second has been watching TV. In the past eight days I have been through the entire "The Big Bang Theory" (I may have slept through some of the episodes because I put it on over night) and am now working my way through the MCU. Programs and films I have watched numerous times before so that I don't have to pay attention and can let my mind watch without having to concentrate.

Because both of these activities -- the going through things, and the watching (not watching) things -- ensure that my mind doesn't focus on the third thing. The thing that I know I have to do at some point but I have no idea how to.

To think about what my future entails.

A future without her. A future that stretches off into the endless void. A future where I watch programs. Where I play games. Where I read books. Where I write stories. Where I do everything I did when she was here, but without the knowledge of knowing that there will be a time when I can see here.

Because I'm never going to see her again. No matter how much TV I watch, how many games I play, how much I write, how much I read.....

I am never going to see her again.

So I don't want to sit and think about the future. Because the future is a dark, swirling hellscape void of nothing.

I know I should. And I know just disengaging my brain is not good for me. Becoming someone who doesn't feel anything will not serve me well.

But it is eight days. Surely after just eight days I get a bit of leeway.

Maybe tomorrow I will think about the dark, swirling hellscape void of nothing. But not today.

[angelholme]

There's so much going around in my head that it all wants to pour out at once.

So it all falls over itself, and ends up in a mess on the floor.

Which kind of describes me at the moment.

[angelholme]

My evenings, my nights, my life consist of talking to her, thinking of her, living until the next time I see her.

So what do I do when she is no longer here? When there is no her?

How am I going to live my life when there is no life to live? When the reason for living is gone? When the only reason that I was doing what I do, being who I am has gone?

How do I reconcile the long, bleak, empty days that are stretching out in front of me with the fact that I am still alive and she isn’t here with me to tell me that I am good? I am fun? I am the reason she exists?

She never thought she was better than me. She always thought I was a better person. That I was brighter, smarter, funnier, wittier. Just better.

I could never convince her otherwise. And now I never will.

Perhaps, if what they say is true, she now knows what they say is true. Perhaps she understands all things and sees me for who I am. She sees me not for who she believed me to be but for who I am.

The only reason I was such a good person in her eyes is because they were her eyes. She saw me with the eyes of love. With the eyes of genuine, unadulterated, true love. She saw me for who I could be, and who I wanted to be to make her wish come true.

Not to make her proud of me — she was always proud of me. Even when I did the stupidest, most idiotic things imaginable (which was more often than I would care to admit). Even when I drove her batshit crazy (which was more often than I care to admit).

But to be the man she saw in me.

Is that how I reconcile the long, empty void that my life is going to be? The times I reach for the keyboard to tell her about my day and realise that I am talking to no one? The times I think “If only I could tell her that” and realise I can’t ever tell her anything again?

That I live to be the man she saw in me? That I live to be her me?

Perhaps.

But for now…….. for now there is just the void. The empty progression of day after day that stretches out from now until eternity.

For now there is just the endless now. The endless moment when you realise she is not coming back.

That she is gone.

[angelholme]

I can't stop my mind. It is running all over the place.

First it is telling me that I cannot do this. I can't carry on for the next twenty years, the next ten years, the next five years, the next year, the next month, the the next week, the next day, the next hour, the next minute without her.

She has been my everything for over twenty years, and now I have to live without her? Now I have to live my live with her not in it?

Then my mind jumps tracks and I realise that I don't have a live without her in it. I work. I browse the web. I play video games. I watch TV. But all of that is just filling in time until we can be together again. When we are apart we talk every night. When we are apart we spend every night, and most days, talking.

My entire life is built around her. And now I have to find a way to fill the part of my life that was her. But if she was all of my life then how am I going to fill that part?

But just as my mind settles on that track it runs to the next track. What the next few months will bring. Sorting out the house. The stuff we have. Stuff she has in my house. Stuff I have in hers. The things we share. The things we had between us.

All of her financial affairs. How do I even begin to deal with that? I don't even know the start and end of it. Is there someone I can talk to?

Then it just shuts down again, narrowing down tot he next hour. The next minute. The fact that in this situation she is the only person I could talk to. The only person who could help me. The only person who could set me right. And she will never be able to help me again.

The fact that she won't be able to help me through the most horrible part of my life. Because if she were it wouldn't be necessary for her to help me.

[angelholme]

3d printed start gate

[angelholme]

So I pay taxes. I don't have a choice about this, but more to the point I don't get a choice about where my taxes are spent. The government of the day uses them as they see fit whether or not I think that that is a good use of my money.

Currently the government of the day is using my hard-earned tax money to do truly shitty and appalling things. I mean really, truly bad things. Things that I find abhorrent to the very nature of my soul and the nature of humanity.

But I am still going to pay tax. Because along with the truly shitty, appalling abhorrent things they are doing, there are good things being done that I get benefit from, and that millions of others benefit from.

I will leave it up to you to decide how this relates to my decisions to continue to purchase Potter items.

I haven't purchased a HP item in close to a decade - I use the books I already had as doorstops or to prop a laptop up for meetings nowadays.

There is NO "death of the author" with JK Rowling - she controls and continues to profit from her IP, and uses that money to fund hate groups.

[angelholme]

as i am sitting here at 3am i will be the first one to admit: i miss you. i miss you, i miss you, i miss you and i do so with every last dying cell of my existence. truth be told, i don’t think that i will ever stop missing you.

— about missing someone

[angelholme]

Concept: A gender reveal party but AFTER the kid is born.

Like when the kid is 6 or 12 or 18 or 24. When the kid has decided what their gender is or isn’t.

[angelholme]

Ruth When you had left our pirate fold, We tried to raise our spirits faint, According to our custom old, With quip and quibble quaint. But all in vain the quips we heard, We lay and sobbed upon the rocks, Until to somebody occurred A startling paradox. Frederic. A paradox? Ruth. (laughing) A paradox, A most ingenious paradox! We’ve quips and quibbles heard in flocks, But none to beat this paradox! All. A paradox, a paradox, A most ingenious paradox. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, This paradox. King We knew your taste for curious quips, For cranks and contradictions queer; And with the laughter on our lips, We wished you there to hear. We said, “If we could tell it him, How Frederic would the joke enjoy!” And so we’ve risked both life and limb To tell it to our boy Frederic. (interested) A paradox? King. (laughing) A paradox, That most ingenious paradox! We’ve quips and quibbles heard in flocks, But none to beat that paradox! All. A paradox, a paradox, A most ingenious paradox. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, That paradox. King. For some ridiculous reason, to which, however, I’ve no desire to be disloyal, Some person in authority, I don’t know who, very likely the Astronomer Royal, Has decided that, although for such a beastly month as February, twenty-eight days as a rule are plenty, One year in every four his days shall be reckoned as nine and twenty. Through some singular coincidence - I shouldn’t be surprised if it were owing to the agency of an ill-natured fairy - You are the victim of this clumsy arrangement, having been born in leap-year, on the twenty-ninth of February; And so, by a simple arithmetical process, you’ll easily discover, That though you’ve lived twenty-one years, yet, if we go by birthdays, you’re only five and a little bit over! Ruth & King. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! Ho! ho! ho! ho! Frederic. Dear me! Let’s see! (counting on fingers) Yes, yes; with yours my figures do agree! Ruth & King. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! Frederic. (more amused than any) How quaint the ways of Paradox! At common sense she gaily mocks! Though counting in the usual way, Years twenty-one I’ve been alive. Yet, reckoning by my natal day, Yet, reckoning by my natal day, I am a little boy of five! Ruth & King. He is a little boy of five! All. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, A paradox, a paradox, A most ingenious paradox. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, A paradox. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, A curious paradox, Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, A most ingenious paradox.

You would not believe how long I have been waiting to blog this :)  (via angelholme)

[angelholme]

As catastrophic and disastrous as this, props to them for owning up to it, shutting it down and refunding the money.

They could have tried to brazen it out and say "You knew what you were getting" but they 'fessed up and said "Yeah -- we fucked up"

It's rare you get that these days.

[angelholme]

"She also said she was "angry" at what had happened, as more than 800 officers were on duty to "keep everyone safe" but the tragedy occurred even with them there."

So the good men with guns who keep people safe from the bad men with guns were actually worth fuck all?

Good to know.

"Police said they believed Wednesday's incident was criminal and not terror-related, but the motive is not known."

Literally the most stupid paragraph I have ever read.

[angelholme]

So is it me, or are Sky News trying to make this sound like everything is rosy and good?

All their language sounds like they are trying to big up the PM and make it sound like this is no big thing.

Which for a politically neutral site seems suspicious

[angelholme]

"The majority of the staff involved have now left Pontins"

The majority? So some of the staff involved are still there?

[angelholme]

Even if you don't unmute this is outstanding.

Unmute !

[angelholme]

kissing you on the forehead