angelsapphicthings

[angelsapphicthings]

What my younger self had longed for

When I was six years old, I already knew that I had a thing for girls.

Growing up, I had a hyperfixation with the Cartoon Network’s show Adventure Time.Who wouldn’t love that show as a kid right? I remember those times I giggled every time the two female characters kissed. Named, Marceline Abadeer, a bisexual vampire character and Princess Bubblegum who rules the candy kingdom. My heart is filled with joy seeing two girls being affectionate to each other.I just found myself watching movies with queer representations.Besides that,I had a crush on a girl when I was in kindergarten. I’ve liked her since I met her.I had multiple crushes with girls. I had no idea what the word lesbian means or what a queer couple looks like in real life. All I wanted was to have a girlfriend when someday I blossomed into a fine lady.I felt nothing wrong with liking a girl and watching sapphic television shows.Someday I will live with a girl in a Studio Ghibli type of house. Every Sunday morning ,we will buy fresh food at the local wet market. We will buy cute outfits at the nearby boutique shop.All of that was my dream. Until one day, my grandmother told me that liking girls is a mortal sin.She was disgusted to see a girl having a romantic relationship with another girl.It was so heart-wrenching for me.With that,  a question popped into my mind, “does it make me a bad person – to like a girl in a romantic way?”

I was ashamed of myself. I can not look straightly at people’s faces without feeling guilty. With the girl I liked, I felt awkward.However , I tried my utmost not to show them that I was in depths of despair. Looking at myself in the mirror, I was so infuriated to myself.I felt insignificant. Among my peers, I felt different. Why can't I like boys the way girls my age do? I bawled because no one would understand how I felt. I hate myself. The giggles and excitement I felt while watching my favorite show was not the same anymore.

   To convince myself that I am a heterosexual , I had fake boy crushes during high school. Truthfully, I am disgusted by men. I can not literally imagine myself being in a relationship with a male. I only did that because I had a fear of judgment and I wanted to fit in. I had been denying my sexuality through years.I felt like a stranger to myself. 

Hiding my sexuality for years , having teenage angst and not knowing who I truly was led me to depression. I convinced myself that it was just some random girl crushes.I thought I was deranged for liking someone of the same-sex.Throughout my adolescence, I was confused.As I grew older, I came to the realization that being a homosexual is totally okay. I read articles and watch documentaries about the LGBT community. I feel secure and become comfortable with what I feel. Attraction towards women does not feel forbidden anymore, led me to come out to some of my friends in high school. 

Although in our country, the LGBT community is still facing prejudice and discrimination. It enrages me why there are people who can not accept that homosexuality does exist. In the belief of others , being a queer is a social deviance. Making it the root cause for homosexuals to struggle to come out. Unfortunately, I am one of them. We live in a country that is an LGBT tolerant . However, the government can not even pass the anti- discrimination law for the LGBT community.The detestation towards homosexual does not only come from religious beliefs of people but also from the bandwagon effect. We deserve to be fully accepted not to be tolerated.We deserve equal rights and have the freedom to express our identity.

I found myself watching my favorite cartoon show again .I giggle while watching the two female characters kissing each other but this time,  as a full- grown adult.I did not feel any guilt.It made me tearful.I discovered more and explored my sexuality. My younger self is so  happy that she finally knew who she was and what she would be. The little girl in me who is hoping that someday she can hold hands in public with the woman she loves the most, with no fear of judgment. I can express who I am. I can love without limits.The girl who is not mad at the world anymore and to herself. She is hoping that this world will provide the inclusivity that our community needs.With the realization that there is nothing wrong with being different, I do not need to conform to societal norms. I am happy and contented with my small circle , my best allies I could ask for.Being able to dive deeper into my identity paved the way to my self -acceptance.It takes courage for everything I had been through. If I can talk to her I would tell her right now that "there is nothing wrong on liking a girl." I am comfortable to say that I am lesbian.This is part of who I am. But for now, I will just stay inside my closet.