angrybrainstatic

[angrybrainstatic]

threw a party and it went great and I had tons of fun and my friend is staying the night

on the other hand, I spent several hours nauseous and invited that nausea to stay the night next time because I love torturing myself or something

[angrybrainstatic]

I think perhaps ending my years-long series of alchemical experiments on my body & restarting hrt might actually be the thing that fixes me

"huh, I feel like shit, I have no appetite, and there's a vague yet gnawing sense of something being cosmically wrong"

"this reminds me a lot of high school. and early college... and also that time I had to stop hrt because I moved"

"... wait a minute"

hey genius! maybe the medication that makes you feel good about yourself and also hungry might solve all your fucking problems!

I mean like. there's a bunch of different reasons I quit & haven't restarted this last time (labs were hard to get to, I hate dealing with needles but had some mental block about the gel, money, the executive functioning needed to get everything restarted). but I'm also really excited to get back on them (gel this time) and I wanna be able to eat and yeah

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hello god it's me! I'm close to paying off all of my credit card debt so this is my written plea to not strike me down with any financial pitfalls.

you already took my dog (and my money). you've taken my health several times (and my money). pleaseeee just stop fucking with me. give me a goddamn breather.

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very funny that I keep being told verbatim how much I am liked and appreciated but my brain insists on telling me the opposite.

like even people who hate everyone else. they like me. why do I think I'm unlikeable?

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yes yes fatphobia but I'm sorry, if you weigh 400+ lbs, there is something legitimately wrong with your diet

very cancelable post but that's why it's here and not on main

[angrybrainstatic]

there's a timeline (maybe multiple) where I ran away with him. where things got a lot worse.

I bet I'd be wondering about the me in this timeline, if I'm happy, if I know how lucky I am. If I would still love that version of me.

I would. I'm sending her signals that I would still love her. I hope she feels it.

[angrybrainstatic]

sucks that I would be perfectly fit for a tradwife life (the real one!!!! not the bastardized Republican version!! where the wife "serves" the husband & family but he cherishes her and does everything in service of her & family) but unfortunately I am a dude who works in IT dating another dude who wants to go into the film industry so I will likely always be the consistent breadwinner

[angrybrainstatic]

something is wrong with me.

[angrybrainstatic]

having to think about my dead dog and my sexual harassment case within the same 10 minutes is very cool. because it's like, oh yeah, bad things keep happening to me but I don't feel them haha

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getting 4 awards at work but none of your coworkers being there including your supervisor so you don't actually get a real speech and you feel out of place the whole time and you're literally one of the best employees but it feels like you're one wrong move from everyone hating you and your heart is beating in your chest and you're staring at people stop that and you're being weird and it's cold so you're huddled up into yourself and you're being treated so nice by your job and you don't belong here and you don't deserve this

[angrybrainstatic]

my youngest brother is finally reaching out to me and talking to me and he said he's missed me and felt bad even though its my fault and he said I was his favorite brother and I'm going to sob

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everything feels like it's falling apart.

every goddamn day on the news it's more rights being taken away. more lives being taken away.

I imagine almost every single day, arguing with my mom about why she's okay with voting for these fucking grifters and hateful idiots. I imagine telling her off for all the horrible shit she put me through. I imagine her dying and feeling a sense of relief because she can't hurt me anymore.

everything feels like it's falling apart.

I have a better job. I have a better diagnosis with better medication. I have a better future than I've had in 7 years. I have a better partner.

sometimes it feels like I just annoy him. like I'm constantly trying to make up for being Too Much by doing everything and overstepping and falling into this fucked up cycle of Overstepping and trying to make up for it and overstepping in that way too. I feel like I shouldn't waste his time. I feel like I'm wasting mine. I feel like throwing up.

I feel like I'm becoming my ex for him and I fucking despise that.

some days I feel like it'd be easier to not exist.

everything feels like it's falling apart.

some days I feel like going back to old habits.

I want to drink and not feel and feel stupidly confident and smoke cigarettes and have stupid unsafe sex with strangers.

I don't want to do any of that shit.

everything feels like it's falling apart.

what's the fucking point of going on? I'm scared of thinking about how one day I'll be dead. I'm tired of hating my body. I'm sick of feeling the spikes in my brain closing in on me.

I want someone to take care of me. I want to be soft and sad and useless and pathetic and still be loved and cared for.

everything feels like it's falling apart.

I'm so so tired. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide. I want to be a useless drunk piece of shit. I want to be better.

I'm so so so tired.

everything feels like it's falling apart.

[angrybrainstatic]

today I ate a gummy and got very high and then boyf ate my ass for the first time 🥰💖

[angrybrainstatic]

seeing how absolutely confident he was in the dress & makeup... the twirling and dancing and SO much more talking. joking around and just doing silly shit...

it almost aches. my heart aches for him and it makes me a little sick that he laughs it off (at least to me) and the look on his face when I asked if he wanted me to call him a good boy or a good girl and he said good girl and then I did. the smile and the eyes rolling back.

my mind and my heart and my stomach and every bone in my body aches so badly for her because I saw the exact things I said. the things I did. and I hate it. I despise the pain and confusion and weirdness. but I love her. I love him. I love whoever you choose to be and.....

I hope that one day you're able to find the answer. find the peace you're so obviously looking for. beyond the anxiety and the fear and everything else.

I'm so sorry that I'm not able to do more. I'm doing all I can to support you. all I can to create a comfortable environment for you to explore yourself and accept yourself and know that you are so unconditionally loved and attractive and worthy and.

it just makes me sick to think about. I don't know what to do. I wish I could crawl inside your brain and look around and tell you the answer.

but it's your answer to come across. it's your answer to accept, once you're ready, whatever it is.

I just hope you know that I'll always love you. nothing will change that, it's too late. I've already fallen so hard.

it's just so painful to see the difference. to see the smile on your face and the way you hold yourself and every little painful bit of discovery.

but I love you just the same.

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we had a tiff the other night bc I showed him a movie that I liked (but hadn't seen in almost a decade) and he was shitting on it the whole time & I kept telling him he could turn it off but he wouldn't

then there was a rape scene (that I'd forgotten about) and he finally turned it off and said a bunch of overly mean stuff and I got really quiet and distant and he was trying to flirt but then finally asked me if I was okay

and then we talked about it and he apologized and I apologized and we talked about why we were both upset and then made each other laugh and kissed and cuddled and it was a very healthy discussion imo (which is weird for me in relationships)

it's just nice to 1. have a relationship where we can have those types of discussions and 2. see the growth in myself in being honest & authentic with my feelings and how they were hurt without being all passive aggressive like I used to be

[angrybrainstatic]

told him I loved him last night & I was so so scared but he instantly said it back & said he was just thinking it & that he'd been wanting to tell me but was worried I wasn't ready yet (???) and didn't want to rush things

& we laid there for a while and just kissed & laughed & cried a little (bc I told him that he just makes me feel so normal & he said he felt the same & that he just wishes he could've told his mom about me & how happy I make him)

I just can't describe how he makes me feel. like I want to be a better person and like I don't have to be fucked up all the time and like I don't have to hide anything about myself or my interests or police my own behaviors (and he said he felt the same way!!!)

and he's just so so sweet and kind and funny and our brains work the same and I'm so so in love. I didn't know it could feel like this. I didn't know it could be easy. I didn't know it could be like finally exhaling after a lifetime of holding my breath. like I can just.... relax and not worry and not be living in the past or the future but just really truly in the moment.

I can't believe that I could've missed out on this. If she hadn't left. If I hadn't decided to give in and drink that night, and given in again and gotten on Grindr. If I hadn't put in my profile that I just wanted to chill and play Mario Kart. If I hadn't told the guy who was literally 2 miles away "nevermind" and waited for him to drive an hour to me.

I'd still be sitting here, lonely as fuck and empty and making it work but like something was missing. He doesn't make me whole, but he makes me feel real and attractive and cared for and loved and adored and like I'm.... normal.

he makes me feel so fucking normal. I've never, ever felt that way. there's always been something. but he makes me feel good and normal and loved.

[angrybrainstatic]

@ God pls explain how I ended up in a gay relationship with a man who is over a foot taller than me but I'm the dom/top???