annngelicss

[annngelicss]

I hope the downpour mocks my unheard cries even through the pounding of the rain against your window.

I hope you feel some sort of guilt each time the rain embraces you, do you feel me?

will you think of those memories from the rain?

will you wish we'd lasted a little longer in those silent moments?

will you wish I was laying besides you?

will your fingertips warm with the remembrance of your touch to my skin?

mine do too...

ill wish for you always, you here or me there or anywhere we can be together.

I will always wish for the rain to bring me the comfort of you in memory, where im still able to hold you...

[annngelicss]

December 21st, 2022 at 2:56 am

it feels so stupid to say.

But i never saw myself without you.

Who am i, without you?

I wasnt exactly sure how to adjust to the fallout of my routine when you left.

why was the other end of my phone so silent?

I couldn’t sleep without hearing you breathe.

Why was nobody asking me about how my day is at work?

I often cried during my lunches.

Why did my heart feel so empty?

You were gone.

You’d been gone, for awhile.

Your absence was only a physical matter, now.

But I could feel it days prior.

Weeks.

Months.

I brushed it off, maybe it was just another rough patch, another phase we’d go through?

But the realization became harder to swallow; when it was too evident.

It became hard when the lingering of your fingertips against my skin stung, like a fresh wound.

When the plant of your kiss onto my lips became careless, and no longer valuable, vigilant.

The look in your eyes began to startle me because I could no longer see you.

Smaller moments with you became more significant, as i often had to remind myself to be happy to be in these moments, because pretty soon, there would be nothing left.

I am now only able to relive moments when i close my eyes, when i walk past a familiar place in the halls, when i sit in a certain spot in my house, or when i scroll too far into my photo gallery.

but when things are too silent, I think about when we first met.

I miss how much you adored me, how innocent your love once really was.

I miss the moments when it felt like it was just me and you, when my heart was at peace with you, and me.

I miss my beauty and my soul.

I miss when i had just enough love for the both of us.

I miss being unintentionally perfect for you.

And maybe just maybe I started to miss these things too early.

Maybe my hurt is what started to make me less appealing, less desirable.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have stayed silent about your distance.

if i should have stood silent about the fact that you often prioritized people who would beat down on who you were over me.

if i should have stood silent because I never felt properly heard. I felt like you never cared.

I wish i would have stayed silent.

I wish i would have just stayed an accessory.

I wish i would have stayed the same from the beginning to the end.

At least for a little longer, because maybe then i’d still have you.

But you told me after a while you awaited that day.

The day i sat in the cold with you, dug into your chest, hiding my face in the crook of your neck, and sobbed because all i wanted was to hear you say you’d try one more time.

but my heart only sunk further into my stomach with each word you spoke, with each time your hand raised up to my face to wipe my tears, with each look into your eyes.

I would only dive back into you, gripping the access of your sweater harder,

and from above your tears watered me, as if I was a flower, and you were my rain.

The way you held me as time went on through that moment only scarred me further cause even though you felt different, your comfort didn’t feel different.

How long had it truly been since you hadn't felt the same?

Why did you stay silent as i begged for your honesty?..

Why did you allow me to rot as I continued to give myself away?

Why did you keep taking?

Why did you feel you had the right to use me, my body, and my love as if you still loved me, as if you viewed me as someone who was forever?

I hated that.

And I started to hate bits of you.

I started to hate that i couldnt not love you.

Even on those nights where i sat alone on my bathroom floor holding myself while i cried.

On those nights where i lost sleep because you didnt have enough courtesy to respond to my text.

On those days where i forgave you when you shouldnt have been forgiven, because i couldnt stand to be apart from you.

I can't say, now, if it was worth it or not.

I have this overflowing amount of disgust for you, for everything you were, for everything you said and failed to say.

even as my love for you remains the same.

None of the memories we share have a label of happiness or sadness, they're just there and they tauntingly dance around my heart, producing the slightest bit of hope that you’ll come back to me one last time.

I'm not sure if I'd do it again or if I'd trade anything in this world to relive what we had. Cause in all honesty i was never really living.

I am sure that i will never forgive you, or myself, for how things ended, for how you forced me to stop loving you, for how you blamed me for not being the same loving and forgiving person you fell in love with.

For your lack of grief, and your boost in ego.

I don't genuinely wish bad on you, or the next girl who gets to have you.

I just hope now, you recognize the love I had for you. I hope you realize what you did to me, my body, my mind, my heart and my memory. I hope you yearn for the love that went unnoticed, I hope you grieve me as I grieved you. and I hope you really understand and see how much I truly sacrificed for you and me.

[annngelicss]

I am angry for that I wish to be loved...

i'm angry at what this has done to me, and the more it has done for you...

I wish you could have endured half the pain I did, and I wish it could have been as visible as mine.

I wish the bathroom floor was as familiar to you as it was to me.

I wish your fingertips could have caressed your own cold, pale, and damp cheeks in horror of un-recognition of who you were turning to be.

I wish I could have been happy like you.

I wish I could have regained myself before I endured all of you.

I wish that the sun wouldn't feel colder in those moments when I seek the warmth I am no longer able to find within you.

I wish you would be selfless enough to fix what you've done or at least to check up on me.

somewhere and somehow I believe I deserve it...

all I wanted was just to be loved.