annoyingreminder

[annoyingreminder]

14 July 2023

Things have been going pretty good. It's still a situationship, and I still wish we could just meet in person to decide on our next step already.

He's been calling me a lot more frequently, once every 2-3 days on his walk home from work. I mentioned it a few weeks ago that I thought it is very sweet of my colleague's boyfriend to call her every single night just because he wants to tell her about his day. Although I also mentioned that I don't expect him to do the same cz we're not in a relationship, he said that we can try this out. Since then, the calls were more frequent and random, which I like.

I love it when I feel like giving him a call to ask about his day or to rant about my day, he would happen to call first 🥰

During some of our calls, he would be going on a quick grocery run. And today, he lost connection while in the grocery store and I texted him to take his time to shop before calling back. In just 5 mins, he called back!

When I told him he didn't have to rush, he actually said, "What if I miss your voice? Do I still not have to rush?" 🥰🥰🥰 What in the world?!?!?!?!

I love how he is more open with expressing himself and his feelings now.

When I told him how stressed I was about my living situation, that I have to move out soon, he was taking it upon himself to think of something! I mean, I have zero expectations from him cz it's literally my problem to deal with and not his. After all, it's not like it's so easy for him to just move here and share the rent with me lol It's heartwarming that this solution was even being considered 🫠

When will I get to see him in real life? 😔

[annoyingreminder]

20 May 2023

It's 2 days after his birthday.

So after my last post in December, he emailed me (because I deleted Telegram) and we had a talk. Things got gradually better in terms of communication, although not as well as before, much less at its peak.

But then over time, my texts were left unread for more than just a day or two, calls became less frequent, and communication deteriorated drastically.

The worst was the week after Russia announcement digital drafting. That affected him very much, no doubt. He shut down... or at least what I deemed to have happened.

He no longer calls me "sweetie", "baby", "милая"... he'd text and when I replied, often times it'll go unread, unanswered for days.

We had a call on Saturday, I said a lot... but he can't comprehend. I've never felt more helpless. He kept saying he doesn't want to burden me, he's doing what he think is best. Best in the sense where it hurts less for the both of us, less fear, less suffering. But why don't I have a say in this?

After the call, I sent him a long text. I mentioned I hope he finds someone he can trust to share his problems with because it makes life more doable. I'm dying on the inside as I typed that because I wish it was me. But he deserves a partner and happiness... even if it's not me.

I told him I love him after not wanting to for the longest time. Because I wanted to meet in person, get to know him again after all these years, evaluate if my feelings are justified. But I figured if it's the last we communicated, I've got nothing to lose. There's no fear in him running away because someone who's already gone doesn't need to run away.

His reply was twice the length of my text, apologising for ignoring my texts on purpose and explaining that he was only doing what he thinks is best for us. It's a decision he made for us, but I had no part in it.

He said he can't do long distance relationships cz it's not the same as the one in real life. I get where he's coming from, so I've got nothing to say about that. Although... I believe LDRs can work, it just takes effort from both sides.

I've given him a strong option to come to Malaysia and we'll figure it out together... he can't get past the "what's next?" when he arrives. Soak in the new environment, hunt for a job, and hang out with me?? There's surely more prospects here than in Russia.

At this point, I don't think we'll ever meet again. We'll, there's no reason to anymore.

My heart is in pieces.

Why does the war have to come between us? Why won't he just take the leap of faith and come to me? Why is he willing to give me up so easily?

I don't plan to respond to his text because although there's a lot I can say and want to say, I don't think there's a point in saying. He told me that he's experiencing burnout, his friend diagnosed him pretty much. It's bizarre that he didn't talk to me about his problems because I would've come to a similar conclusion... because I was burned out 2 years ago... and he was there to support me through it.

I guess once he's gotten the rest he needs, things will get clearer. Then I hope he'll be able to find his way in life. And I hope he misses me and will reach out to me.

I will try to not wait for him, I've waited long enough.

What is meant to be, will be.

...I don't think we're meant to be. Because if it was, it wouldn't be this difficult.

***

I hate that I have to go out into the world, go to work, acting like everything is okay... like I'm not crying myself to sleep the night before, like my heart is not in pieces.

[annoyingreminder]

10 December 2022

It ended today - the situationship.

For 8.5 months, it was going well. The supporting each other, the constant texts and calls, the communication. I wanted a relationship, but didn't ask for it because I know in the situation he's in, it's not a priority. Plus, I wanted to meet in the near future to go on dates first. So it was all good.

Then he went to Turkey for a two-week film project. Man, was I elated for him! Getting out of the country that's in a dire state must've felt like a deep breath of fresh air. All expenses paid, he gets to explore a little, eat delicious Turkish food, and work on a film project that is a great experience and gained a good network.

Then he went back to Russia. Back to helplessness. It must've felt (and still feels) like getting a taste of freedom, only to have it taken away. The constant fear of getting drafted, the uncertainty of the future (literally of the next minute). As much as I can only imagine how it feels, I'm not feeling it per se, and it must feel even worse.

As he started distracting himself with work and chores, he also started distancing himself from... me. Once-a-day texts became once-every-other-day. No good morning or good night texts. No calls for weeks.

I spoke up and asked what was going on. He's back in his shell like he was a few years ago. He didn't want to say what's on his mind and told me not to be pushy. It's just how men and women deal with problems - women want to talk it out, to get it off their chest; men want space and to figure things out on their own. While I know that, I can't help but feel extremely excluded.

I'm tired of missing him and telling him I miss him. I miss him very much. Not just the physical him which I last saw 4 years ago, but also the virtual him that talks to me and have hope to work things out. But I decided to stop saying it because I feel it would only burden him. And he's got enough on his plate.

I no longer want to try to understand him or figure out what's going on in his mind because he is not mine to solve. I shouldn't psychoanalyse. I shouldn't come up with my own theories and could be's, should be's. If anything, he'll tell me as it is.

I decided I deserve someone who wants me and is willing to share his issues with me, and want to work things out with me. To go through life, as tough as it is, with me. I can't be waiting for 4 days just for him to read and reply to my texts. If you like me, wouldn't you want to talk to me?

He's not wrong from where he's at, and neither am I from where I'm at. It's just... bad timing.

Everything is out of my control. I can't help him. I can't visit him. And that frustrates the hell of me, as someone who finds all ways to get what she wants. This time is different. This time, I couldn't move mountains just to see his face and give him hugs.

My hands are tied.

Maybe it's God's way of stopping me because it's just not in His plan. I'm ready to fork out money (which I have limited) for the entire process from invitation letter to visa to flight tickets. But something as simple as travel insurance for visa application, I just can't obtain. None of the insurance companies in Malaysia covers Russia due to the war. So I literally can't apply for a visa.

Knowing his top love language is Acts of Service, I imagined surprising him at his home, then going to the apartment he's been working on to help him with the DIYs, cooking together, and such.

But I can't.

I thought he still had hopes of meeting and working things out... at least that's what he said. But... his actions don't comply.

I've been anticipating going on dates with him. We have plans - ice skating and cycling, having our favourite bubble tea drinks and shawarma. It sounds amazing to me.

But I guess I won't ever get the chance to anymore and it really hurts.

My friend said there's no relationship to begin with. While that is true, a lack of status does not mean there's no feelings involved. One can't just decide to move away when everything was going fine, no explanation, just because they "don't owe the other person anything cz there's no relationship to begin with". Bullshit.

Anyway, I think it's for the best. For me and for me, that we stop talking. I wanted to meet and go on dates and to figure us out, but none of these are happening anymore. And I don't want replying to my texts to be an obligation of some sort. I want him to actually want to text and talk to me, because I'm important. I want emotion and feelings. I want good times and tough times, to go through them together.

All those nights I used to cry because of work, he was always there for me. My quitting of job and travelling, he was happy for me. My life dilemmas, he was always hearing me out and supportive.

I wanted to be there for him, but he wouldn't let me.

So I decided to give him space. After all, I don't think he wants to text or talk to me. I'm only a nuisance and a reminder of something too far to reach. Something that is just a fairytale, not real life.

I deleted Telegram, the app we use, so that I won't be tempted to reread past messages, rewatch circles he sent. I don't think he as even read my text I sent 5 hours ago, maybe in 3 days time he will.

I think then he would have a breather, and lesser weight on his shoulders.

What I've never told him though, is how much I love him. Because I wanted to only tell him once we've gone on dates and decide we actually like spending time together in person, get into a legit relationship, then tell him those words. I didn't want to carelessly say it, especially when he doesn't feel the same way.

I'm glad I didn't, it would only stress him out even more. I'll get over it eventually. At least I've taken the first step.

He calls me "baby", "sweetie", and "sunshine". I call him "baby" and "squishy". I can't imagine him calling someone else those. But it's inevitable.

He'll always be my squishy though. And I pray life gets better for him soon.

But today... today has been hard for me, and it'll only get harder for awhile.

[annoyingreminder]

12 March 2022

He likes me! He freaking likes me!

It happened over my birthday trip in Dubai. With only an hour of time difference (instead of 5 hours), we texted more and called every night before our bedtimes.

Since about a month ago, I can tell we've been communicating a lot more. And by that, I mean less annoyance or frustration, because whenever there's a hint of upsetness, either of us (especially him) would clarify nicely. About 2 weeks ago, he even said "Let's communicate whenever there's a problem, okay?" after we had a tiny misunderstanding due to miscommunication.

Like woah, who is this person?!

That made my heart flutter, not gonna lie.

But then, it doesn't mean that he likes me...right?

Fast forward to Dubai, we continued our long-paragraphed texts despite calling every night to catch up about our day. Then on the fifth day into my trip, I was at a beach club called "Lucky Fish" with my friend and her friends. I was a little bored as I've been people-watching for the past two hours in mostly silence. He replied to the texts and I skimmed through.

He said if it wasn't for the mental state he's in (a lot of stress and anxiety due to the Ukraine-Russia conflict) and distance between us, he would invite me to go on a date with him....!!!!!!!!!

My eyes almost fell out reading it, I immediately nudged Gina who was next to me 😂

Him and I, we talked about it. Apparently he's had feeling for me for a few months now - it gradually happened as he realized he trusts me more than anyone else, aside from his family.

I melted into the bed lol

So... we're gonna go ice-skating on our first date hehe It's his favourite thing to do and I don't mind it as I have fond memories of us ice-skating together back in Bellingham. I mean, I could and can barely ice skate, but it's romantic.

And for our second date, I suggested we go cycling cz he was giving me shit for not liking any sports. And I like cycling, so there, it's settled!

I know it's getting too far ahead of myself, but... I asked him to be my date for my sister's wedding that's gonna happen some time later this year. He said yes! 🥰

Of course, it all depends on the situation. I hope the war ends soon, and, as selfish as I may sound, he doesn't have to go through mental hell of not knowing what the future holds, worrying about his own life and his family's. And we get to meet soon soon.

I've waited for five years. I don't want to wait for another year.

I wonder if God doesn't want us to be together because it just never seem to be the right time. But then, He wouldn't make Airat make his feelings known to me if it wasn't meant to go somewhere, right? The God I know does everything with a purpose, and he ain't that cruel 😞

I'm praying for the people affected by the war, the innocents who had no part to play in the conflict. Both Ukrainians and Russians are affected, just in different ways. And I pray the war ends tomorrow, for all our sakes.

[annoyingreminder]

Teapot

10 Feb 2022

You surprised me with a teapot delivery over a week ago. We hadn't been talking since the New Year's. I don't know why, it just happens from time to time.

You asked if I had a delivery that day I received it. That's how I knew it was from you.

As much as I loved the surprise and the teapot fits my aesthetics, I couldn't wrap my head around it. Why did you buy me something out of the blue? Was it a CNY gift? I guess so, cz you wished me "Happy CNY" when I texted you upon receiving it, which you only replied a day later.

I was and still am disappointed that you weren't excited for me to receive the gift you bought... I get it, you were sick that week. And I was worried, but didn't want to bother you by texting. I told you I wanted to talk and told you to text me once you feel better - you agreed - you didn't.

The entire week, you didn't text. You said you've been busy.

Well, aren't we all?

I wanted to know the story of the teapot. What made you buy it, how the process of purchasing it went... just everything about it. I wanted to know the thought process behind it because that's what matters to me more than the gift itself ('gifting'is ranked the lowest in my Love Language).

But you don't want to talk to me... and I just don't know why.

Is it because I slipped and told you I missed talking to you, when I was in a happy mood from receiving a gift from you?

Am I not allowed to miss talking to you?... To miss you, even?

You gave me an insincere and rather inconsiderate time to call - 6pm your time, 11pm mine... on a weekday. "If it doesn't work for you, weekend then", you said. I feel the insincerity of it. If you don't wanna make time to talk to me, then don't.

I didn't reply. And it's now 3 hours past the time you proposed, and you didn't even bother to check in with me if we're still doing the call.

Sometimes I really want to hate you for making me feel this way. I feel so frustrated, but what can I do?

I wish you didn't give me the teapot.

[annoyingreminder]

NYE

6 Jan 2022

We called on New Year's Eve, just like the past two New Year's Eve. It's becoming a thing, I see.

I lowkey like it, not gonna lie.

It was a relatively short call, around 45mins, because you had to go back to your parents' to celebrate New Year's together. It was really sweet that you made it a point to call anyway though.

I was slightly disappointed when you needed to end the call early, but to my surprise, you said we should call the next day.

So we had a call on New Year's as well... to continue our talk from the previous day. We ended up talking for 2 hours or so, with you fixing up the brand new desk you bought from IKEA.

I like that - watching you do things. It's as if I'm part of it too. You looked good focusing on the task at hand, while talking to me at the same time. Makes me wish I was there to fix up the desk with you - not because you need the help, but because I want to do things together.

But who am I kidding, right? You don't want that. At least, you don't want me wanting that. Neither do you want that.

You're oblivious to my feelings for you. And I'll keep it that way... because it would only make you feel uncomfortable and annoyed.

There are times like now, that I just want to text you, to have a little banter here and there, to flirt with each other... all while hopelessly wishing you secretly feel the same way about me (hence, the almost-monthly calls, the annual NYE calls, the surprise postcard from Turkey)... but I know it's all just in my head, because you don't actually feel the same way.

I don't want to be that girl from 5 years ago who showered you with attention and care, who was mostly always available when you needed her for something, who threw herself at you on a several occasions. So even if we do meet in the future, I will use everything within me to build a wall, to have boundaries, to keep a distance.

But it's times like this, that I really miss you, and wish you feel the same way about me.

[annoyingreminder]

17 August 2021

Oh my lord! Is it God's way for easing my way back into work after a 3-month break?

I woke up to a text from Airat this morning, wth. He even reminded that I haven't replied to his text from a month ago and that he's still waiting. With a laughing emoji. I told him that was the plan and he called me a sneaky ass 😅 and he said he's trying to know me better... - this, I know. And it's exactly why I didn't reply.

As much as I'd love texting him and I did want him to text me, this isn't sustainable. My goal was to get rid of my feelings for him by not communicating.

But... how do I tell him? Do I stop replying again? Ghost him again? I don't wanna tell him I ghosted him as a way to forget my feelings for him. I don't wanna tell him about my feelings. Ever.

He has a super bad reaction to that piece of information. I told him three times - first time was on my birthday, when he came to my room to wish me happy birthday; second time was during our second trip to Seattle when he asked; third time was in Kazan where he pretty much ignored me during my visit. Third time's the charm, they say. Third time should scar me enough and it has. So I won't tell him about my feelings ever again.

It just sucks how much it hurts.

[annoyingreminder]

16 August 2021

First day of work tomorrow! 3 months of break felt so good and certainly not enough. Kinda dread going back and not excited at all... hyping myself up with the money I'll receive every month lol

Well, at least I'll be busy. That's distraction from missing him and wishing he'd text.

Funny unrelated thing that happened. Yesterday I posted a video on grocery shopping and in the middle of the night, I woke up and randomly groggily tapped my phone and there was a YouTube comment notification.

"6:35 looks like frozen pelmeni", it said. I went back thinking is my (our) friend, Aus. Then I woke up at 7am to use the toilet and groggily wondered how Aus know what a pelmeni is. Is he that cultured? Why not just regular dumplings, why did he refer to Russian dumplings? I dismissed it and went back tk sleep.

As I started my day a little later, I checked YouTube to reply to comments and lo and behold! The pelmeni comment was Airat, not Aus! 😱😱😱 Shocked, my brain went haywired for a moment. I LOL'ed and wondered why I thought it was Aus... I thought I even saw the profile pic as Aus 🤔 Das weird.

But anyway, so he commented on my video but he just wouldn't text me 🖕🏼

[annoyingreminder]

14 Aug 2021

I redownloaded Bumble earlier this week because... why not? I should try putting myself out there at least once in a while instead of just thinking I'll never find someone, a life partner.

While I'm fne and happy being on my own, it's nice to have someone around to spend time and share the days with. I've never had that, not in person at least. My one and only ex was faaaaar away in Minnesota, so it was 2.5 years of LDR. We met once when broke up after lol The relationship was mostly great though, I felt like he genuinely supported me and was there for me whenever I needed. Our banters are what I look for in future relationships, that's for sure. Of course, there are things I learned I don't want in future relationships too.

So anyway, I got on Bumble and the swiping began. To the left, to the left. As usual, it is a ratio of 1:20, 1 being swipe right, 20 being...swipe left. The selection here is just...meh and unappealing.

Matched with one guy who looks well-travelled. So I asked started the conversation by asking where the camel in one of his photos is from. He gave me 3 guesses, without any clues. My god, games. Not a turn off, but I just wasn't in the mood, I guess. I got the right answer on my 3rd guess. Radio silence after 2 texts from my right guess.

2 days later, today that is, he replied and asked how my weekend was going.

Soooo unmotivated to reply. I'll reply tomorrow, I guess.

I'm not really into these dating apps, tbh. I know there are success stories, but I just have a deep hunch that the person I'd meet is somewhere abroad. Like, I'd meet someone while travelling.

I used to have this dilemma of wanting my partner to be my close/best friend, but at the same time, I'm scared to put the friendship at risk if it doesn't work out. I still don't know where I stand with this.

When reading the notification from Camel Guy asking about my weekend, my heart sank. Because I imagined it was him. I wanted it to be him who asked about my weekend. I wanted to tell him about my weekend and ask him about his.

But it's been a month since we last texted and I guess... he just doesn't miss me and barely even realise my lack of presence.

I know I could just shoot him a text, he will reply. But... I need to get rid of my feelings for him.

Our group of friends are planning a reunion for as soon as we can all travel again. I'd rather go on the trip without special feelings for him because I want to thoroughly enjoy my time there, not unconsciously trying to get his attention, or involuntarily hope he'd make a move, or stupidly throw myself at him, or utterly disappointed that he doesn't feel the same way (as I've always known). So that's my goal - to get rid of my feelings for him before we go on our trip...whenever that is.

[annoyingreminder]

17 May 2020

"Let's surprise him", I thought to myself. I enjoy sending food as surprise, especially since I can't be physically present to celebrate his birthday.

So I found The Eclair on Instagram. This café bakery has a French aesthetic to it and the éclairs look promising! I do judge books by its covers, so give me all the aesthetics as possible! Thankfully, they accept international payment via a link. Love technology.

I bought him a 5-piece éclairs box to be delivered the next day at 3pm, Kazan time.

18 May 2021

A couple of minutes past 3pm (Kazan time) / 8pm (Malaysia time), I got a text from him. He was crazy surprised and thanked me for it. Didn't see it coming, huh? 😏

19 May 2021

We jumped on a call for his birthday and just to catch up. It's always a good time, talking to him. In this call, I asked how the surprise went down since I just love knowing the details from start to the end!

So he was just about to fall asleep into a nap when he got a phone call from the delivery man, asking if he's the [recipient name]. Slightly annoyed from being groggy and why a stranger was asking him an "obvious", he said yes and went downstairs to pick ip the delivery, confused as he didn't order anything.

Upon receiving, he was still in a blur till he read the note I left which included an inside joke about how celebrations are done. According to him, he laughed... but I think he chuckled instead.

He told me he'd get me something in return, but won't tell me when. It'd be a surprise.

I don't expect anything in return because I did it for his birthday, not a random gesture. I'd definitely be glad if he did do it though, no dispute on that. It's been 3 months since then. We stopped texting a month ago. So... looks like it's never gonna happen.

But that's ok, I don't expect anything from him.

Tiramisu, Snickers, Mango Passionfruit, Pecan Caramel, Classic

[annoyingreminder]

11 Aug 2021

So I ghosted him. Kinda.

We've maintained a good friendship all these years - continuous loooong paragraphs of texts as we kept introducing new questions that leads to new topics while keeping old topics going, we have one-on-one video calls once a month on average. We have a balance of lighthearted teasings and deep conversations. Nothing flirtatious.

As of the past half a year at least, I suddenly came to realisation how much closer we are now than when we first became friends. Although we considered ourselves to be good friends, we both had our guards up... him more than me. He was a very closed book, a clam, if you will. It was hard to read him, you never really know what he's thinking and how he's feeling. He didn't share much of his opinion.

Now that we've been friends for 4.5 years, we've definitely built some trust and I know we're more open and honest with our feelings and thoughts. A drastic difference would be him since I'm more open with my opinions since the beginning. This makes me happy because although he still has a wall up, it has lowered a bit. I know it's not easy, so I appreciate it very much. He said it himself that there's trust between us now, so he's more open. I can see it.

What he doesn't know is the one thing we don't ever talk about, the thing I dread whenever there's a chance of being brought up - my feelings for him. Our friends know I still have some feelings for him because they've asked me in our video calls... when he wasn't around, and I admitted it because I didn't see the need to lie. My friends are not snitches and when it came to this, they know to not cross the line. I have some feelings for him lingering around, although not as intense as I used to have. But I'm not planning to do anything about it. No telling him about it, no expecting him to figure it out, no asking him to be my boyfriend. So my feelings are pretty much harmless... to him.

It eats away a tiny piece of my heart everytime I think about it. So I don't. At least, I can compartmentalise it and focus on life instead.

Three weeks ago, we had a call and it was mostly a heavy conversation about our current situation in our countries, the pandemic, the politics, and such. Prior to the call, during the call, and after the call, he mentioned that he realized how similar our situations are, we feel the same frustrations, we're pretty much in the same boat in different oceans (?). I could sense that it was like a revelation to him and it surprised him. Another brick off the wall.

Then we texted about the Turkish series I was watching and he related its lengthiness to the Russian literature, Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace. Then he asked a few questions which ended up in me ghosting him. He asked what literature I studied in school and if I enjoyed it, since he mentioned not enjoying back then but he found an appreciation for Russian literature now that he's older. And he asked if I'm into literature now.

It hit me, his questions.

I took a step back. Not because of literature. Because why was he asking about my past and present thoughts on something deep, something somewhat philosophical? Our friendship is getting into the next level, a powered-up friendship. If we keep this up, we're gonna be BFFs! 😂🥴

I can't.

I felt like... if I open up more, let him into my life more, share about my past present future more, I'm going to catch more feelings than I've already caught. There's going to be a stronger, deeper connection - a bond - being formed. It's great if we're purely friends, it's not great if one of us, namely ME have caught feelings.

So instead of answering his questions - I studied Shakespeare's Life's Brief Candle and Angela Wright's Potato People, and that I thought it was interesting but teachers might have overthought the implicit meanings, and that I now am not so much into classic literature as I have no patience for fluff - I ghosted him.

I didn't want to share with him the teenage me, I didn't want him to get to know the teenage or even the child me. It's too deep.

With our mutual group of friends, we're really close but even then, we don't talk about super deep topics or ask about each other's pasts. So with him, the friendship is deeper as compared to the rest.

I'm guarding my heart though. As much as I wish he'd text to start a new conversation, or just to ask how am I, or reply to my Instagram Story... he hasn't in the last three weeks since I ghosted him... and it's not his fault. I was the one who didn't reply.

After our 4-hour three-people group video call 1.5 weeks ago though - it was me, him, and the Swede - he texted me separately and said he was genuinely glad to see me, and as much as he wanted to chat separately, he was too tired. I mean, I was too. We spoke for FOUR HOURS and it was almost 3am for me by then.

"Talk to you next time, Naomi", he said. This is familiar. Back in DC, he wrote a note on my phone saying he'll ask me to dance next time because he didn't get the chance to. When is "next time"? I don't think he even remembers the dance he wanted to ask me to 😥

I'd like if he texted and asked to video call. But he hasn't. Would he though?

Maybe he sensed that I don't want to talk, so he wouldn't? I don't know... I just wish I get to talk to him before I start work again. Not because I'll be too busy for calls (I'm never too busy for any of my loved ones), but because he knows I don't like my job and that it previously deteriorated my physical and mental health... he would always make time to have a call and let me rant and vent and bawl my eyes out. He was my support.

As strong as I am heading back into work, it'd make me feel better if I talked to him.

But he's just my friend and I shouldn't lay on him such a responsibility or burden. I shouldn't rely on him for support that is expected from a more-than-friends friend.

I ghosted him, but I irrationally want him to unghost me lol I know all I have to do is to reach out and it'll be as if nothing happened. He wouldn't ask, that, I know. After all, he probably doesn't think much of my disappearance... and we never want to approach the topic of possibility of having feelings.

For the umpteenth time, I'm trying to get rid of my feelings for him. This time it seems to be harder, possibly because I realized how much closer we are now.

Wouldn't it be easier if he just liked me back? Wouldn't it be easier if he had feelings for me too...

[annoyingreminder]

19 January 2021

My friends and I were playing WNRS Level 1: Perception. On one of the rounds, I drew the card "make an assumption about me", so the other four players had to make, well, an assumption about me.

Char knowing close to everything about me thought she got a good one when she said this - my assumption is... although you may say you don't have feelings for Airat, you actually still do.

True and false. I've never said I don't have feelings for him. Whenever my close friends ask (which is rarely), I would admit it. It's a fact and I don't have to be embarrassed about it. And although I may still have feelings for him, it's whether I choose to act on it or not.

So there. We're good friends, I have some feelings for him, but I'm not gonna tell him that (oh, he's the one person I wouldn't admit to when he asks). I don't expect him to want me or like me back. I just don't think anything will ever come out of it and I don't think we're compatible in terms of lifestyle, beliefs, and humour.

I get disappointed when he doesn't get my jokes or the hilarious AF (to me) TikTok videos. Like, he doesn't even try to get it. He'd flat out tell me "I don't get what's funny about it". So... yeah, the difference in wavelengths has been apparent since we met and there's no changing it, it seems.

He talks about visiting Malaysia every now and then. But then, I still feel hurt by how I was inhospitably treated when I was in Kazan. And I feel like he'd have a better time without me on his trip. So... I don't know if I'd play tour guide if he even comes to this side of the world... Oh well.

[annoyingreminder]

Sausages

13 November 2020

We've barely been texting, mostly because I decided a couple of weeks back that I didn't wanna text you as often with as long paragraphs as we usually do... because we had a friction in August which made me so done with trying to communicate.

My logic is that since we tend to have miscommunications and arguments, if we talked less, there will be lesser of those. Makes perfect sense.

Every time I give the bare minimum effort and end conversations, you'd text me randomly a few days later. And the cycle repeats.

Last week you were sick. And you reply me late, no later than our usual delays of 3 days. Now it has become 1 day, which is an improvement. But I guess because I try to reply as soon as I receive a text or see it, the effort has been destabilised... and I realized I can never have a conversation in real time with you, I started feeling meh about it again. So while I was worried about you, I also wanted to take the opportunity to bring our on-going conversation to a halt, your effort to continue it was decreasing too. So I thought, "Perfect timing!". I should let you rest and recuperate after all.

Then 2 days back, you replied to my Instagram Story about dinner. Then we got onto the topic of sausages. I didn't want to make a dirty joke out of it, but you started it.

Look. I can make dirty jokes and I will make dirty jokes especially if I'm attracted to you. My dirty jokes and flirtations can make you feel things. So don't start it if you can't keep up or don't want to go down that road.

Just don't.

You started it and continued, when I gave my input, you requested we "put an end to the sausage discussion". Excuse you! You started it!

Quite hurtful, I should say. And it pisses me off. So don't talk about sexual innuendos if you can't take it, won't take it from me.

Ugh. What a waste of feel-good emotions thinking I can have some dirty jokes in my life again.

[annoyingreminder]

30 October 2020

We gotta stop texting.

Today, I had a long chat with my sister about ourselves. Sometimes, self-reflection just isn't enough. We need feedback from others, that's when we know how we actually are from another person's standpoint.

Apparently I give off a vibe. A vibe that's not very good. Like when a person says he wanna do something silly (which I wouldn't do), I'd say "Sure, go ahead". While on my end, I'm more like... it's your life, do whatever you want, apparently it comes off as me looking down on the idea.

That's probably what Aidan was talking about back in Aug. Which hurt me quite a bit. And the cold war began.

He started talking to be again first and I appreciate that. But with this new knowledge, I think we need to clear some air.

I'm also working on a skincare routine recommendation for him. Going the extra mile again, right?

Anyway, I'm planning to have a call with him to talk about my discovery. And possibly to let him know I'm gonna have to stop texting him so often...for myself.

It's for me to get over him. It comes and goes, my feelings for him. I think it's about time I put an end to this. I'll never have my feelings reciprocated, so why torture myself with the "friendship" excuse.

If only getting over someone was easy...

[annoyingreminder]

Matthew Hussey said slow-texting ain't cool. There should be an excitement to receive and reply a text. It shouldn't be a "competition" to see who replies slower.

I for one don't do that on purpose. Our texts have become an essay-long compilation of a few topics, which cab be time consuming to reply. We both take about 4 days on average to reply.

I've been trying to text back in less than 3 days though.

Question is, why can't we text in the moment, in real time? Why isn't he excited to receive my text? Why doesn't he just text me at random?

...oh, that's cz it's still the same - he has no feelings for me.

[annoyingreminder]

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday, you.

It's his birthday today. Sifted through old photos to find some decent ones to post up on my Instagram Story. I avoided selecting ones that made us seemed...close. Like, his arm around my shoulder, us looking happy, cuddles... cz we don't want to rake anything up now, do we?

I almost ordered a surprise food delivery over to his place, but the only method was to use the Yandex Food app. And alas, it only accepts Russian phone numbers for verification, so... there's that. Technically, I could reach out to Sasha, our mutual friend who I'm quite tight with. But like, do I want to do that extra mile? When I know he wouldn't go .5 miles for me?

Nah... it's not like my efforts would be appreciated anyway.

(So I actually keyed in his phone number on the app, thinking it's only a requirement to access the app.. then it sent a verification code! Omg I freaked out and deleted the app hahaha So yeah, most likely he received a random code from Yandex Food lolol)

2 May 2017, WWU

"You walk first"

"No, you wall first"

On the way back to BT from the dining hall after dinner.

We were probably fooling around trying to "sandwich" each other's faces with our palms (then running away to avoid having it done back...that's what we do lol)

So here, he was avoiding my attack (although I was genuinely done playing), while I was being careful in case he attacks LOL

[annoyingreminder]

Recur

That recurring thought of you having feelings for her back in the States, although it's been 3 years.

That recurring reminder of how you'd choose her over me any day, including when it comes to travelling plans and absorbing her culture.

That recurring disappointment of knowing you will not keep your word to "visit me wherever I am".

That recurring tinge of jealousy, that I'm in the friendzone

That recurring annoyance that I still talk to you, being sure of my (lack of) feelings for you... only to have them slowly creep in again, catching me off guard.

That recurring reassurance to myself that you and I would never be together because I don't know for sure you're what I want in a person.

That recurring bugging feeling, wanting you to reply sooner than 5 fucking days... although I do that too.

I just want you to get out of my head. I need a distraction. I need Dan.