anonmonkey

[anonmonkey]

Aspirational Love

[anonmonkey]

Wild Geese -- Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

[anonmonkey]

When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you. 

- Lao Tzu

I have spent a lot of my life feeling deficient - always wondering why I can’t feel like everyone else in the world. Wondering why I cannot seem to function with the ease that other people do. I often feel like a piece is missing. 

But what if that isn’t true? 

I started meditating again - returning again to historic wisdoms and remembering the trick of the ego. Today I read this quote by Lao Tzu and I recalled this amazing commencement speech given by Jim Carrey in 2014. In it he says:

This is the voice of your ego. If you listen to it, there will always be someone who seems to be doing better than you. No matter what you gain, ego will not let you rest. It will tell you that you cannot stop until you’ve left an indelible mark on the earth, until you’ve achieved immortality. How tricky is the ego that it would tempt us with the promise of something we already possess.      

Wow. That hits hard. But what if I accept that I already possess everything I need inside of me? What a radical notion! What if I really try to internalize that idea. How different would I feel on a day to day basis? How different would I act towards others?

Today that will be my mission - to work to internalize that notion. Each few days I hope to find new principles, quotes, or ideas to meditate and reflect on. I hope by writing it all down I will find some accountability. 

If you made it to the end of this hogwash, thanks for reading.

Sincerely yours,

An Anonymous Monkey   

[anonmonkey]

You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.

Marcus Aurelius - Meditations

The great stoics felt that if you could learn to see the world a step removed - to avoid favoring specific outcomes, but rather to accept what is - you could lead yourself to true satisfaction and contentment. This is similar to the Buddha’s teachings - desire is the root of unhappiness. These principles have been lost and rediscovered many times over, suggesting that for millennia humans have been trying to get out of the same rat trap.

Likewise, with my years of reading about depression, mindfulness, stoicism, etc., I have lost and rediscovered the same wisdom. But why is it so easy to forget? Why is it so easy to stumble back down the hill?

These last few weeks have felt like a crisis. The temperature inside me has finally reached its boiling point and something has to change. And so I turn back to find wisdom of the past. As I read these things, I know them intuitively. It makes sense that if you spend all your time wanting things that you can’t have, you will be miserable. You also lose sight of the all the amazing things you do have.

But is that enough? What about fulfillment? Accomplishment? Self-actualization? Should we desire those?

That is what I am currently struggling with in my marriage. I have a wonderful wife who is beautiful, brilliant, and loyal. But over the past several years I feel like we have become different people. I feel a familial love for her - but no spark. I am not excited to see her or spend time with her. We don’t really have any hobbies together. We honestly don’t even spend much time together. Should I desire something more? Or is this the trap that Buddha speaks of? Should I be content with what I have?

I struggle in this because I think in part this has contributed to this problems of the last year. I have felt, for the most part, emotionally abandoned. And some of that might be my fault - but I would like to believe I have been offering some olive branches. I have taken over much of the house work to ease her burden. I have started planning regular weekend events. I even scheduled couples therapy. But something still feels off.

Don’t worry readers - I am not looking for answers. I just need a place to reflect. If you made it to the end, thank you for reading/listening. I hope with more reflection things will slowly become more clear.

Yours,

An Anonymous Monkey  

[anonmonkey]

“That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end.”― Elizabeth Wurtzel 

When did I become this way? I have been wondering that a lot lately. I have a great life. I am not by any means wealthy, but I work at a prestigious institution and I’m currently on a trajectory for early leadership. I have a loving wife who is hopelessly devoted to me. I have a nice house, drive a nice car, and really want for nothing.

Except happiness. I would pay a lot for happiness. 

Diagnosis is funny. Once you are diagnosed you spend lots of time dissecting seemingly irrelevant or previously unrecalled events. Like that time in college that I had such severe fatigue and anhedonia that I laid in bed for a week - was that the start of it? Did it go further back? What about in high school? All those nights coming home from my afterschool job, wondering about aiming my car at the concrete barricade - hoping to end the disquiet inside me.

I was not diagnosed with depression until graduate school. Each day felt like a journey as I waded through the mental fog. I felt my personality sliding down an unseen tunnel, deeper inside of me. I was becoming an automaton just to get through the days. I couldn’t sleep and took to drinking liquor every night.  One fateful night I called a trusted classmate knowing that the breaking point was coming. I had been crying for hours and could not stop. She sat with me and the next day we went to the dean of students. My first SSRI followed and a brief reprieve. 

I eventually came off of the meds - the sexual side effects complicated my new relationship and, after 2 years, things seemed stable. Post-graduate training followed and I coped by using alcohol and becoming a workaholic. Fortunately for me the extra effort toward work caused me to excel, carrying me towards better opportunities and eventually a move to a more prestigious location. 

The move was rough. I lost a lot of my protective factors and entered one of the lowest points in my life. My wife thrived and I barely survived. I trialed medications again, but had many side effects and little success. Three drug classes later I gave up. A year in my life was starting to look up - I was going to move up the ranks, have more protected time, and less responsibilities. 

And then a God damn pandemic happened. 

My job was significantly impacted - not because I lost it, but because I was in no uncertain terms a front line worker. Vacations cancelled. No travel outside of an hour radius. It was a dark time for me. Wonderful opportunities came and I again ascended the ladder with new leadership responsibilities. But I think this has broken something in me. And now that the pandemic is ending I am left with this void - which has always been there. But it seems to have grown.    

So here we are again, the familiar pattern repeating. Only this time my marriage is falling apart - which may be for the best. I am realizing that I keep moving up this ladder of success but I am not sure if I was cut out to be here - or if this is even what I wanted. Is this dissatisfaction with life, general depression, or something fundamentally wrong with me as a human? Hopefully therapy, reflection and the catharsis of writing can help.

If you made it to the end of this - thanks for reading. I am hoping that even writing this into the internet void will help. 

Yours,

An Anonymous Monkey