anonymous-riter-blog

[anonymous-riter-blog]

The apology

Where do I even start... what about we start from why I got annoyed in the first place.  CFS was beyond infuriating last night, people doing stupid shit we shouldn’t be doing, and fair to say we get a fire in mt bold, we’re fucked, like an actual going fire.  so why did I get angry? well... I guess it came across like you wanted a debate, like how we have our cfs debates. you wanted to be diplomatic, and be all, “the CFS doesn’t specifically stipulate the call signs but varying brigades use both”. 1. I had been asleep and had woken up, 2. I was beyond fucked off all night, 3. I did not want to debate like we do... its hard, you’re not here and you weren’t and haven’t been at trainings so I wasn’t in the mood because you weren’t in that environment... like you didn’t see how frustrating it is. I understand there’s no defined rule around it, and at the same time, we’ve never created a concrete rule in the brigade about which one to use... but now Brian has, and I think he’s made the wrong choice, because majority of say pump operator, i don’t think it should be a “we’re definitely doing this way and EVERYONE will do it this way” because that’s fucking stupid, we shouldn’t be that controlling over it.  but you kept just being so like fence sitting about it, and it felt like you were opposing to me and trying to have a debate.... i didn’t want to have a debate... i was angry, and i wanted to talk to my PARTNER who is in the cfs but is not here about why im so angry and to actually have my PARTNER on MY side! you dont have to sit there and say “kelsey you are so right” thats not what im asking for.  but you could atleast be like “cfs doesnt stipulate any specifics of what it has to be, so who cares. brigades use either but im pretty sure everyone is just over thinking it and there shouldnt really be a set rule, its what suits for the situation” THAT, is what i needed or something close to it... i didnt need you debating with me. 

but I fucked up. I made the most cruelest comment I ever could.  I take responsibility, i said it to spite you, which is the lowest of lows. such a low blow. I’m a bitch, I’m such a bitch. and all you’re probably wondering is... “what the fuck... who even are you, you’re not the person I fell in love with” which breaks my heart.  Sometimes when I’m so fired up, and I’m hurting I can come out with some brutal stuff. I don’t always do it, but sometimes when I’m not coping and everything is just too much and I’ve been hurting for a while, I can get brutal. I’m not usually that person (i dont think) and I don’t want to be like that. I want to and should keep the argument to what we’re arguing about. It’s so hard one day feeling fine, the next day feeling shit, the day after that feeling numb, or anxious, or just wondering what the fuck I am even feeling.  I made a comment to spite you, and I’m really worried that now you’re going to go and do something to spite me. tit for tat because thats how its worked in the past for me i feel. so i guess if in your mind, if you’re thinking “screw you, im just going to do whatever i want with whoever” then I ask, please just let me go or get rid of me before you do something that really hurts me. Ive hurt enough in my life, and ive hurt enough in the past 3 months, ive thought lots, ive tried to do things that ill explain to you when i get the chance to but i did them for you, like ive tried, i really have.  I feel terrible, I hate myself for what i said, absolutely hate myself. Just want to lay in bed and be depressed and that’s what I’m doing. you didnt deserve that at all and you deserve better.  Like I am literally an asshole... I just want to clarify, I dont talk to corry everyday and nor do i confide in corry much... while youve been away i only told him about what happened with dad and the fight because thats when you disappeared for 15 days (not as a punishment) but no one else knows my dad.... i cant talk to holly about it because she sucks up to dad. i had no one besides you and him only know what hes like. the only other time, i asked him a question but i asked him because i was sitting here thinking about you and me, and thinking about you being with someone from the army like in a relationship with someone in the army. and wondering why arent i good enough... like why dont people want to stay with me... like what do i do wrong ya know.... and the only person who had a similar experience with that was corry when he chose another girl over me... thats the only thing i could compare it too. and you were away again so i asked. but I felt guilty. it was wrong of me. I can promise you they dont mean anything. and i need to show you more. i shouldnt have spoken to him at all, you deserve so much more and deserve so much more respect. I couldnt imagine how you feel. actually i imagine you dont care at all, however I know if you were doing that to me, i would be so far gone out of this relationship, and im such a fucking idiot to even put you in that position.  

so I don’t really know what else to say because im hurting which is my fault and i feel really fucking shit.  I m really sorry. i am so sorry. and the hardest thing is, youre not even here ya know.. i dont even know if were ok.... after what i said you might think fuck you, im going to go do what i want. 

[anonymous-riter-blog]

25/1

Every time we talk, I pretty much just  get all my anger out with my barrier up, I try to be strong, to get the truth because this is all so unfair. But behind the anger, I’m soft, I’m hurt, I’m upset. I’m lost without you. I close my eyes and try to see you. Every day is so hard that I find it hard to even look at photos of you. Every day I try to avoid looking at the photos I have of you because my heart just sinks when I actually take the time to just look at them. I may be angry, and I may say I don’t like you and I don’t like this situation but at the end of the day I’m so in love with you, that it’s why I’m pushing you away.  You can’t have a relationship where one person never hears from the other, that really hurts. I can’t be tender with you, and be nice and calm about me being hurt because for all I know you could be off with someone else, or you could be developing feelings or getting close with someone else, and I refuse to show you my tenderness about it all because I don’t want to be the fool.  Each night I close my eyes, I try to see you, and try to see you looking at me, and touching me. It makes me cry, how much I miss you.  But I am stubborn, and even though I put up a defensive angry cold front, behind it all, its soft and weak and is full of love and it’s all yours.  I guess I have a lot to offer but I feel like you give me nothing, that I’m shutting down from you, and it’s just how it is. I can’t fully put myself on the line, I’m sorry. you probably don’t even understand all of this. 

It’s the worst thing in the world... living a relationship in your head.  I listen to music, like ‘falling in love with you by Elvis’ and seeing us dance together and seeing you look into my eyes.  Thinking about the moment when you get back, running into your arms and wondering what you’ll say to me. Living in the past, in my head, to remember our memories, to feel a smile, and to wonder what it’ll be like when you get back.  Seeing you only in my dreams, sometimes good, but most of the time bad... seeing you replace me, and off with other girls, and to wake up in the real world... In the real world... I barely hear from you, in the real world I barely see you, in the real world I forget what it’s like to kiss you, in the real world I’m in a relationship but I feel single, in the real world I’m in a relationship but I wouldn’t even know what you’re doing, and you would’t even know what I’m doing. In the real world I’m doing everything on my own, in the real world I feel empty, in the real world I watch other couples and I’m so sad because I don’t have that, in the real world I have bad dreams and in the real world those dreams make me realise I don’t even hear from you enough that I wouldn’t even know anything, in the real world you could be replacing me, you could be cheating on me, or most likely you are emotionally getting close to some other girls, and in the real world I’m the idiot that’ll blame myself because what if i didnt get angry at you, would that have changed your mind. In the real world I’m so alone. In the real world I’m apparently in a relationship and I don’t even know if my apparent boyfriend tells me the truth about anything, in the real world I don’t even know if he does love me, he could just be saying it, in the real world i’m in but not in a relationship, in the real world i cry everyday, in the real world i hurt everyday, in the real world i feel like im being lied to, and in the real world i wouldn’t even know anything about my boyfriend because he’s a ghost. and in the real world I’m the fool, because i stayed, and i got walked over, and i gave everything, and i got nothing back, but a void, emptiness, loneliness and the possibility of being lied to. 

so forgive me that on the outside, i am very angry, but on the inside im just... everything else, the loser thats really in love. 

[anonymous-riter-blog]

I don’t get it, why are you so angry?

hmmm why am I angry. There is not one thing I am angry about, it’s everything, multiple things. It’s the realisation you will always be the person you were a year ago. you will always lie.... like we literally talked about you just not going to party with him for a few days because of how far away you were and how anxious it would make me and suddenly that means I’m implying I never want you to talk to him and you can tell me white lies. FUCK OFF. I literally do not care if you talk to him, or call him but fucking have the decency to tell me, when I ask you “oh are you messaging someone else because it always says you’re online and you don’t reply to me”, don’t fucking tell me “oh no, I’m only messaging you” when you are on messaging him, like how fucking dog. I don’t care who you message but to fucking message someone else and not reply to me is pretty fucking dog but hey guess what, it’s what you always used to do to me anyway so why would anything ever fucking change.  You might think this is nothing but do you have any idea what it’s like when your sitting next to him, messaging him before you reply to me and I’m your fucking girlfriend. I am sick to death of how much I fucking put you first and how much the past couple of months I’ve just been hammered feeling fucking shit.  Like I know I’m not enjoyable to talk too, and he’s super fun so you’d rather talk to him but how do you think that makes me feel? I’m already going through a hard fucking time, trying to balance our phone conversations. Yes I get upset and get angry at you on the phone, and other times yes I am upset and I don’t say anything to you, because I can’t pretend everything is fine, I’m bad at that. but to make me feel shitter by messaging someone else before me, sorry they’re so fucking fun and I’m just a drain. I’ll make sure I NEVER put you first ever again. Things are already pretty fucking hard, and I’m starting to not believe anything you say, you’re words mean nothing to me. They’re just words. There are no actions with those words, nor will there ever be when you get back. 

I’m so sorry that this is the first time I’ve been put in this situation and I apologise that I am a difficult person while I try to sort my fucking life, and whilst I’m so difficult to deal with and I’m not fun, I’ll be sure to even feel more shit about everything from your actions so please.... thank you, you asshole. 

It was easy when you liked me because you didn’t have to deal with this shit. Well I’m sorry I can’t be in the same stage of life that you are in, and as always I suffer by myself. 

[anonymous-riter-blog]

you’re always gone, and I feel so alone.

[anonymous-riter-blog]

Modern ‘Love’

It seems as though I stand alone in believing, seeing, and being convinced by the nasty reality of what happens in love these days. I am no different to every other person in this world, I want love, I want a magnificent one true love, like we all dream.  Some people get that, and I do not understand why that is so, or what sets them so apart to get that. Did they solve something in life and love that the rest of us haven’t and therefore it is rewarded to them.  Are they religious? because they believe in what some people would believe that is the impossible that as a reward they get true love.  What is it? what sets it apart? I want to know.  I know it can exist, but I also know that it is very rare. Any love that you or I encounter will highly likely involve cheating, boredom, them getting fed up with who you are, and it all ends the same with being broken hearted and they leave.  I try not to get too involved, because I know the result. Some people think I’m foolish for thinking so ahead, but so what if I want to be prepared? Don’t we all? Do you want to lay on the ground broken hearted, lost and crying your eyes out mourning that you were an idiot for even ever thinking that what you had was worth something. Some people have experienced pain more than others, been to hell, lived in hell, walked in hell, saw the devil himself watch you hang yourself. It pays to be guarded, it pays to have foresight, it’s survival, it is natural instinct. 

[anonymous-riter-blog]

She loved

She loved deeply and would do anything to ensure her lover would never feel not loved.  She came with a condition however, a condition that reflected her past hauntings that she carried deep with her everyday. The hauntings that very much allowed her to make someone feel the greatest love but a curse that would leave her broken hearted in return. She waited and waited and it felt like no potential lover would stay long enough to see the potential that was there.  Get past the walls, work hard, and you would be guaranteed a love forever.  It goes that it’s the worst at the start, when you’re trying to find the boundaries that lie. There are times when she will want to cut and run, almost immediately. This did not reflect her love for that person, this reflected her trying to protect herself.  But gradually, it would become easier, so long as the steps and boundaries in place stayed the same, she would become comfortable and hopefully a part of the curse would be lifted slightly, but the curse was always on guard. She awaits, with a current potential lover, to see if he’s meant to be the one. But you can’t ever get comfortable, because that’s when people surprise you, hurt you, and add to the hauntings. 

[anonymous-riter-blog]

Have you ever felt so numb, like needles are stabbing through you and you can feel the pain but you just sit their subtlety. Every breath you take is like a wheeze, you have to sit their planning the breathes that you take so you don't breathe too loud.

[anonymous-riter-blog]

If I go, I wonder what you’ll do behind my back.  What won’t I know What will you do Who will you replace me with Who will I come back and see you close with Love shouldn’t be a competition, when you truly love someone there is no competition, there is only ever a clear winner.  There shouldn’t be blurred lines. If someone puts you in that position, you should know what is right, and you should know what you want. You don’t have to put up with anything you don’t want to. Remember that.  

[anonymous-riter-blog]

When are you coming home? Because I am really struggling.

I can’t breathe. 

[anonymous-riter-blog]

so my partner is being deployed and he’s doing all this deployment training and he’s away and I can’t contact him.

Whenever I want to type I always lose what I want to say, because I’d rather just say it in person. 

First issue, was when a certain someone came and joined our fire fighting brigade and then she joined the army. For all the times you two did beep tests together and you showed her the uniform and your push up competition. That still cuts deep as a knife every time I think about it. So what about it kills me?  Well simply enough I’m not that. I’m not someone that does army and fire fighting like her, or like you. You already have more in common with her than you even do me. All I watched and felt was you replace me. The new shiney toy that came into the brigade and as I wasn’t all of that with army and fire fighting the two things you love more than anything in this world... I’m not good enough.  I honestly think I will never be what you need, I’ll never be what you like. One day a girl is going to come up to me and tell me, “you are not what he needs, he needs someone that understand him, that understand the defence force, someone that is in the defence force and won’t hold him back like you do.” So now while you are away I have started to think.... I am not right for you, we are not right for each other. I love you and I assume you love me, but just because you love someone doesn’t necessarily mean we are right for each other. All I’m good for is fire fighting and being a nerd, and you are a fire fighter and in the defence force. Maybe you need someone who are both those things like her, like other girls that are both. Maybe nerds like me are only meant to be with other nerds, and people like you, in the defence force are only meant to be with people in the defence force. We’re not meant to cross over and match, because we don’t match, it doesn’t work. All it will do is fail, like everyone around us think will happen.  I’ll never be like Tammy, I don’t know my future but what if I don’t join the defence force... you’ll love me less. What if I don’t get my PhD... you’ll love me less. What if I don’t get the opportunity to do something great, like be a bushfire analyst... you’ll love me less. If I don’t do something great, you won’t love me at all. If I do something boring, you won’t love me, especially when there are girls doing the two things you love more than anything that are so much better suited to you, than what I am.  My fire fighting is simply not enough.  

To even make matters worse, there’s now a new girl joining our brigade. Same age, oh the joy.  What I already endured with the other girl, I now have to go through again. Will it be someone in the medical field again, that happens to do army and now fire fighting.  You think your actions are harmless, you think going over to someones house to show them a uniform doesn’t mean anything; well wrong because its taken view to a very different way. You think having a cute little push up competition doesn’t mean anything; wrong its taken a very different way. You think you’re one on one fitness sessions don’t mean anything; wrong. Every time I think about it, all you did with her was replace me with what you did with me when I first came to the brigade.  So what will it be this time? one on one late night sessions at the station showing her the trucks and all the equipment. Ensuring specifically that she is the best fire fighter so you can be proud. How or what is it you’re going to do further replace me? 

You’re going to sit here and look at me and wonder, “Do I even know you at all?” you’ll sit here and look at me and most likely say, “Don’t you trust me?” 

People always say “no one will love you until you love yourself” and you can’t love me, because of who I am and what I am.  I am not some medical field, army, fire fighting chick.  I do have trust issues, massive ones, and they probably won’t go. They can be minimised as my anxiety is slowly minimised and managed but that takes a long time.  and at the end of the day, what guy even wants to deal with that? I have been to counselling several times, so sending me back off isn’t going to fix me. Nothing is going to fix me, this is me.  Me getting jealous and anxious over Tammy because she is everything you look for and you started to replace me, is never going to change.  Me worrying and getting anxious about a new girl coming into the brigade, that is never going to change.  And what guy can even be fucked to deal with that, no one has in the past so why would anyone want to deal with it now, certainly not you.  I am not what you want, I am not all of those things.  What I am is a post-abused mess, where everyone tells me I’m to sensitive, and I have too many trust issues and anxiety to ever truly be loved.  So I guess I’m giving you an out... Not because I don’t love you, but because I love you too much, and I’m trying to protect myself from being disappointed and absolutely heart wrenchingly guttered when you decide that my anxiety and me not coping with relationship and girls is too much, or when someone better comes along because they are all those things that you want and I’m not. 

[anonymous-riter-blog]

The next three weeks of getting rid of you and cleansing myself of you begins... today.

After your decision to most likely lie, ignore me and bail on me, I have taken it upon myself to say a big fuck you. I’m not bothering anymore, I’m so sick of trying and making an effort and I’m so sick of every night having bad dreams about you, and bad dreams of you and miss ‘perfect girl you describe’, that I have decided to not go to training. I don’t want to be around you two after a day of hell and emotional struggles due to you, I feel like the reset emotional shit button has been pressed again and I’m starting from scratch again.  You know what is actual total fucking bullshit, “oh I’m so sorry, I’ll make it up to you, I promise”, I tell you not to bother and all I get back is “I’m really sorry”. You don’t fucking care. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be pining over someone for over a year, to be so close to someone you care about for over a year and all you are is a fun pawn in their chess game that they can dispose of so quick and easily like you were never anything. Yep, that is me. So now, feeling as helpless and shit as I do, I have to pick myself up and try and drag my body across the finish line. Due to my situation and that the next two weeks, I’ll be training elsewhere, a 3 week detox of your bullshit begins, and I really hope and pray something fucking good comes of this bullshit. 

[anonymous-riter-blog]

I’m tired. I wake up everyday not shot by an unbearable pain but a subtle pain, like a constant pain from a wound that is on my body and in my heart. I wake up, I stare at the sky which is always gloomy and grey. I sit in the car and watch the rain cry on my windshield as it reflects what I feel on the inside. I’m tired, tired of waiting for you. I am surrounded by real love, I see real love, from people who truly love their person. I thought you were my person, but if you were I wouldn’t be tired. I’m tired, so tired of you. I have forgotten what it is like to be at peace, and feel happiness and fun for what it is. You have only filled me with false hope, and false belief. But I think I am done. 

[anonymous-riter-blog]

I can’t really explain what it is like to kiss you, or to even describe the feeling when your hands are all over my body.  It’s dark and our bodies are so wrapped up and entwined in each other. You lean your head and your nose close to mine and we just lay there, silent but I feel you. Your fingers run along my back so gently that they give me tingles. We go in to kiss and it’s so soft, your lips are so soft and slippery against mine and kissing you is like an addiction. Your tounge against my tounge is like a spark of electricity that just starts me wanting more from you. As we find ourselves completely immersed in each other kissing, you slowly lift your body onto mine and I can feel things heating up as you lie on top of me. My hands move from your face down onto your chest and onto your sides down to your hips as I pull you closer. You break our lips but don’t stop as you kiss down my neck, but oh so gently, you keep going down my chest, down my stomach, you kiss my inner thigh and then you kiss the top of my area, and never have I imagined almost everything I wanted from you to come true. You keep going until I can’t handle it anymore because I want you in me. I pull you up and kiss you, and as you come down back onto me you enter me and having you in me is the best feeling. You are honestly the person I want to make love with. It has been so long since something felt so passionate, and I mean I don’t know everything that happens in your head but I can only hope that what we have is one of the most passionate things you’ve only ever gotten close to experiencing. I honestly hope that you let yourself go and to let me in and to feel it all for what it is. Three nights I slept with you and it honestly felt like home having you in bed next to me, out of everything in the world, it is the most calmest feeling having you there next to me and to know that when I wake up if I have a bad dream you’re there. The fact, every time I wake up and I feel so scared that you’ll leave me that you don’t. 

I wish I could use the words to describe what it’s like being with you, but there isn’t. It just feels so natural, being with you just feels so natural. You are the only one I want holding me, in bed, at night. You’re the only one I want to wake up next too, and the only one I want to talk to all night. 

Even showering with you and having your hands all over me, washing me, and you looking at me and kissing me. You seriously have me wrapped around your finger, and you completely have melted my heart. 

[anonymous-riter-blog]

I told you last night that you are part of the reason I need to leave this state. If I stay you won’t be with me and if I leave you won’t be with me. But instead of a lose lose situation, I’d rather have a lose win situation. I have been here for almost two years and not for a second has my feelings actually deteriorated for you. but how long can I wait? certainly not for forever. So I need to move state, and I’ll be totally lost without you and will miss you every day but it beats being in state, loving someone who you don’t ever know will actually take a chance on you.  If anything you should see how much you mean to me, flattered even.  I wish upon every star that there was a way you’d take a chance on me. 

[anonymous-riter-blog]

it’s tiring holding on to someone that will probably never change 

[anonymous-riter-blog]

I guess I’m just going through life and waiting to see who cares enough. 

[anonymous-riter-blog]

If you gave me 5 minutes to explain what I wanted from you...

I never wanted much all I wanted was you to be my best friend, for you to kiss my forehead and someone I can laugh with, debate with. Someone where we can go away and camp and it be just us, I want to sit in a kayak with you, I want to rock climb with you, I want to be adventurous with you. I want to go out to breakfast with you, I want to be the one by your side. That's all I wanted.