anonymoushelp-blog1

[anonymoushelp-blog1]

Someone somewhere has to understand.

Dear _______,

I regret to inform you that I am at the very end of my time. although I will not end it myself. I feel as though I need to give up on this happy life I fantasize about. I feel it is useless to even dream of anymore.

I love my parents, I love my siblings. I love my friends.

Every. single. individual.

Family members and friends.

I know they deeply care about me. I know well that I am loved, and cared for.

I know this...yet.. I don't feel fit in. I don't feel welcomed. I don't feel needed.

I know they all care. I know they would be sad if they read this. I know they would wonder why I think the way I do. but I can't  help but to.

I've tried to convince myself to be happy with how life  is. I have tried to convince myself to be happy for those around me. I won't stop being "happy" for them. I just feel like after years and years of me trying.. I need to stop living in a fantasy world as some people called it.

People think I am happy, positive to the point they drag me down with them. I know that they are only taking it out on me because of what they are going through. I love to help any way I can. I am glad I can help in this way.

I can't communicate my feelings very well.. although I know very well that I am not unattractive.. as I get compliments daily..

These compliments just make me feel that my looks is all  I am good for.

People who start in my life usually start with a compliment on my looks.

People who stay, whether male or female either betray me, want to sleep with me and ruin the friendship, or use me.

To me, That is okay. I just say no to sex, I say goodbye to those who hurt me, those who use me. they are the best kind of people because they feel bad enough to listen to reply..at least they listen at all.

Sometimes, I am afraid. I am afraid of my past, I am afraid of my future. I am afraid of what I might do to myself. I am afraid to drive some days because I feel as though I should drive my car off a cliff. I feel as though I deserve to crash and burn. Yet I know I am not a bad person. I know what happened to me isn't my fault. I know that I can't change the past. I know to look to the future.

Everytime I try to look ahead of me. I get hurt. I know that's a part of life. I understand I have to deal with it somehow.

I don't know who to trust. I  don't know who is really there for me. I feel people only do good for their own self. I wish to someday meet someone who has views like I do.

I feel so alone, I feel so empty, Yet I know myself.. I won't do anything to harm myself in fear of my parents crying, my siblings breaking. I don't want to ever hurt anyone. I rather stay in pain than let anyone know what has happened, and what I want to do.

I don't have confidence. Even though I hear that I am beautiful, gorgeous, pretty, etc.. I feel like those words are useless.. I want to be called beautiful hearted.. loyal.. Nice..friendly.. I want someone to compliment the facts about me that are me. not by my outside.. yes. everyone loves compliments.. but, I wish some were about me.. not my looks.

I have tried so hard to move on from past.. that I was prepared to start a new.

new job, new haircut, new friends, and even a guy I was interested in.

Last few month's I reinvented myself, or at least I tried to.

I dated someone for years to the point I couldn't find myself, I couldn't notice he was so mentally abusive, the point I was being used for my appearances.

dated him for years.. planned to marry him.. his family loved me.. his mom still does.. yet.. He broke me.. He won't ever open up..

I finally got over what he did.. after everything before that I decided to reinvent myself.. but then.. the same things happened.. the same things happened to me that happened before I dated this man.. The childish games, immaturity.

I know I can get a guy.. It's not like I haven't been asked.. I am just afraid. I was finally ready.. and I got shot down before it began.. and I don't think he even knows it.. I hope he doesn't ever find out.

I don't nearly have enough confidence to say I like him. Not with everything that's happened to me.

I  know I can move past this one day.. Until then.. I need to build..

All I wish right now... Is to have someone to understand.. So I guess this is a plea for help.. If someone read my messy grammar impaired article.. If you happen to understand what I am going through.. please inbox me.. I need advice.. and I can't go to anyone personally with this.

so for now I shall stay anonymous.