anonymus-enby - Tumblr blog

[anonymus-enby]

my relationship with food (part 2)

Right know I’m doing better than in those phases. And if I had the money, I could eat out every single day. But deep down I know that it’s still not good enough yet with me easily skipping a meal a day and when I make myself some lunch its not as much as it should be. And like mentioned before- dinner is also not that enjoyable. Ironically, when I went to the two therapists that went to (only for one session each) I didn’t really mentioned it because I guess in my head it is not really real- or I just don’t want to worry about another problem, you know?

Oh my, this is again much longer than I expected. I hope it was not too confusing. But there are so many things to talk about and I constantly fear that I am forgetting important things. I guess I could just write it in my next post if I forgot something and mark it with [edit for last post]

[edit for last post] my hobbies

Alright, I totally forgot to mention my hobbies in my “that’s me” post. So I’m gonna talk a little bit about that now. I feel like generally I like everything and nothing at the same time. I am always jealous of the people that have like one distinctive hobby that they love so much, they spent every time they have on it. I don’t really think I have that. But before I start to write an essay again. I am going to try and sum it up a bit:

I like to…

… read (favourite book: the secret history by Donna Tart)

… learn languages (I am learning Swedish right now)

… film and edit YouTube videos (but since I am anonymous here I can not say what my channel is called)

… watch TV Shows and movies (I’m currently watching the show ‘criminal minds’ recommended by a friend and I absolutely love it! Especially Reid of course ;) I just started season 4. Movies are a bit hard to generalize but some of my favourite movies are: ‘bohemian rhapsody’, ‘the greatest show’, ‘dead poets society’, ‘call me by your name’ and probably much more that just don’t come to my mind right now)

… play video games (mostly something for the Nintendo switch. I wish I had money to buy the new Zelda and Mario game. But I also sometimes ‘play league of legends’ with my brother)

… cook and bake (ironic I know, concerning the topic of this post)

… make music (I play a little bit of piano and the guitar, and I make wannabe songs with lame lyrics and always the same easy chords. Also, they are mostly really depressed or really depending on my mood. And sometimes there are other songs in-between)

… make friendship bracelets (I know, it sound kind of lame but it is actually quite calming. Especially when you listen to an audiobook or a podcast while you make the bracelet)

… explore things that interest me- but never enough to actually remember things (like Greek mythology. That shit is crazy)

… say good-bye now (wow, what a creative transition!) I hope once again I didn’t forget anything, but this is it for now. See you later!

Anonymus

[anonymus-enby]

my relationship with food (part 1)

TW: mental health, food, ED

Hello everybody,

it’s me again. I realized that in my last post I didn’t say at all what my hobbies are. If you are interested in that, scroll down, I will write a bit about that in the end.

But first I want to write about my relationship with food. I couldn’t possibly cover everything in one post but I’ll write about some things now. I never really thought of myself as of someone having an eating disorder of any sorts. In my head I am like ‘sure, I skip a meal here and there, but I am still fine, I don’t need that much food’ and consider the way I eat as normal although logically looking at it, it is not. I also think the reason why people think like that is because often when we think about someone with an eating disorder we think of Anorexia Nervosa, about people who can not eat anything and often starve to death. You know, skinny to their bones. But that is not the only kind of an eating disorder. I just wanted to mention that. But before I lose myself in talking about the different types, I’ll talk about my personal experiences- because that’s what I’m here for.

For me- I feel like I eat healthy and enough as long as there’s enough food in the house, I am alone and preferably have a plan of what I am going to eat. Otherwise (which is most days) it is a bit harder. Let me elaborate: in my ideal situation I wake up in the morning already knowing what I’ll have for breakfast (because I planned what I want to eat for the whole day some days before). If I do that- I can eat a healthy amount of healthy food and feel good about it. I don’t know if that has something to do with being in control or otherwise just not knowing what I should eat and then eat something small and fast or even nothing in the end. Yet, that whole planning thing- it needs time and preparation. So the only times I do that is when I know my parents are out of the house for several days (I live with both my parents in a house, I have a brother but he already moved out). And they are not often gone. A vacation is something that my family can’t just easily afford and their jobs are not far away (we don’t even have a car) so you can figure that those periods of time are seldom. The problem when they are there, is that I can’t just walk around the house freely (technically I can- I’m not in danger of my parents or something but I just like to stay in my room when they are there) and my mom doesn’t like it if everybody just eats whatever they want and whenever they want it. And I understand that. But because I didn’t go specifically grocery shopping for my planned week when the house is full, it feels like we don’t have much food there. I also often feel like it is a waste of time to cook and eat and do everything else in between. I would love to just eat while I do something else but when my mom is there- I don’t. Also, my dad is really experimental with cooking and often I don’t like what he cooks. My mom’s cooking is better, but she often makes similar things and I don’t eat enough. Only when I know that I am going to cook this evening and therefore have time to prepare a bit, i am satisfied. Don’t get me wrong- I appreciate even having food on the table and that my parents are there and stuff. I don’t want to come off as ungrateful. I guess I am just a really picky eater. I am trying not to compare myself with people who have it worse than me anymore, but I always feel like I need to mention that I’m not some ‘spoilt brat’ because guess what- I do feel guilty really easily and already assume that everybody hates me (greetings from my social anxiety). I also had phases of literally two days where my mindset about food just changed from one day to the other. Where I suddenly thought it was a good thing to hear my stomach grumble and where I tried to break my record of the number of hours that I wasn’t eating anything. I only ate a little bit when I had to (at dinner with my family) so that they wouldn’t get suspicious. And only eating one banana and a little bit of dinner already made me feel like I ate too much. At some point my mother actually was concerned. She didn’t talk to me though. My dad told me that my mom mentioned that. So I knew I had to be more careful. I would mostly eat something minty like mentos or tictacs and drink a bunch of energy drinks. The first time I realized that that was not so good was when I started shaking a bit uncontrollably. That frightened me a little bit, but I would also be lying if would say that it gave me not a feeling of success.  Well, those phases never lasted long and didn’t occur that often, but I guess in general I was still not eating well because my mom realized it (and she is usually easily fooled- or she just doesn’t talk).

this is part 1 of 2. i will upload the second one right after this ;)

[anonymus-enby]

This is me! (and what my blog will be about) LGBTQ+ , mental health

TW: mental health issues (sh and other things)

Hello my fellow queers and allies!

Today i’m starting this blog where it will mostly be about (my personal) mental health issues and of course about queer things.

As my name suggests I’d like to remain Anonymous (even though I’m not sure if anybody sees this anyways). Still, I’d like to introduce myself as much as I can. You can call me Anonymus :) I am in my 20s, living in Germany (for everybody wondering, I can express myself better in English) so if I’ll make grammatical or other mistakes, you can just ignore that (or teach me how to do it better xD). I am (obviously) an enby, meaning a non-binary person and my pronouns are they/them. I started to realize that when I was about 15 years old. Also, staying with the queer topic, I would describe myself as pansexual but I’m not eager to have to put a label to my sexuality especially since I’m currently still trying to figure things out (about if I might be on the aroace spectrum). Mentally, I’m struggling sometimes. Or all the time- and I’m just used to it. I don’t know. I am not in therapy yet since it’s really hard (yes, even if you live in Germany) to find someone you can go to. I don’t really like to self-diagnose but one thing that I am pretty sure about that I have is social anxiety. More and more I also believe I might have ADHD. I also self-harmed for some time but I am clean for almost half a year now. I always wondered where these signs of trauma came from since ‘my childhood wasn’t that bad’. But there’s plenty of time to unpack all of it here.

Like I said in the beginning, I will be talking about mental health issues as well (often also in combination with the struggle of being a queer person). These struggles are very personal, hence the anonymity. This blog is for me to get my thoughts out but also, if anybody is reading this, for people to relate to and not feel so alone with their struggles because I certainly still do feel like that. Also I want to mention that I’m not a licensed doctor of some sorts. So I can not guarantee that my blog is 100% gonna help. If you need help, please talk to someone you can trust. It doesn’t have to be a therapist immediately- which can be a really draining process to get there. I know everyone always says the same thing and I am also not a good example of my own advice. But maybe you just needed the millionth reminder to do it. And here it is!

Wow, this is longer than I thought it would be. I usually wanted to write about a specific problem but I guess my first ever post on Tumblr will be this one :) maybe I’ll immediately write about that topic now and upload it after this one. I have no idea if I am doing all of this right, but this blog should also be something that is for me and therefore I shouldn’t really care so much. Till next time!

Anonymus!