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[anovoja]

short story v

when you do something enough times, you tend to go into autopilot. for example, the first day as a preschool teacher was overwhelming my first time around. but by the eighth time, not even 15 parental meltdowns could not shake me (which, for some odd reason, actually happened). through fire and brimstone, i’ve been a rock, as tough as a preschool teacher could be. this will be my tenth first day so i have a little cupcake at home with my name on it (written with yellow icing).

this year, the air was warm and i stood in front of the door of my classroom with a smile and balloons in hand. behind the door, a pyramid of kleenex for either the children or the parents. the parents and kids started to trickle in, hand-in-hand. i greeted each one and smiled on as i watched the parents snap a dozen pictures of their kids around the classroom. expected. then the kids will begin to want to play with each other, forgetting that mommy and daddy are there. the parents get misty-eyed every time, but, thankfully, not enough to need any kleenex.

i was taking a picture of a little girl and her mom sitting at the tiny desk holding up her name tag when I felt a pair of little arms wrap around my legs.

“tackle monster!” a little voice cried out.

I was startled at first but I begin to play along with the child and pick him up to ask him what his name was.

“my name!” the little child begins to exclaim loudly, “is Christian Cruz Jr!” and he throws his hands up in emphasis of his Jr.

“well, it’s nice to meet you Christian Cruz Jr!” I put down the boy. I was about to look around the room to find his mom or maybe Christian Cruz Sr, but something about this child caught my eye and gave me a sense of deja vu.

i look at this child’s face, a face that i must have known in a past life. his eyes seemed to have belonged to someone that i have once loved.

then i hear a voice booming through the classroom door. I knew that voice well. a voice that told me their dreams and big ideas over morning coffee and toast. a voice that once sang me to sleep at night for years.

“Christian Cruz Jr!!!”

the sight of him knocked all air from my lungs and the room begins to spin. when we make eye contact, i stumble but there’s nothing nearby to help me regain my balance so i sit on the padded floor. for the first time in years, i’m knocked out of autopilot.

Christian Cruz. A name so common that I didn’t think much of it when I hear it anymore. I certainly didn’t realize Christian Cruz Jr’s father could’ve been the Christian Cruz. But ten years ago, hearing that name would’ve struck pain through my sternum.

Eleven years ago, Christian Cruz was by my side when the doctor told me that I couldn’t be a mother. it was my 29th birthday.

Christian Cruz was supposed to be the father of our four children. we had a little pregnancy scare. we called it a scare because our families would have found it scandalous if we had a child out of wedlock. but Christian and I were excited about our little cupcake (we decided a bun wasn’t sweet enough to describe our little angel). he had big ideas for the kids and dreamt of them becoming great leaders in the future. he would practice making the best pillow forts in the world and sang la vie en rose to me and the baby every night. we were going to get married right away to appease our family, but when i was picking out what dress to wear to our intimate ceremony, i discovered a pool of blood at my feet and woke up crying in a hospital bed.

but i did not beg Christian Cruz to stay with me. i loved him so much i did not want to deny him the blessing of being a father. i begged him to find someone who he will not resent in the future for being unable to bear his children.

as i’m looking at what could have been, i feel a pain that i haven’t felt since i learned that i could never be a mother. i could have given Christian Cruz this beautiful little boy, too. instead, what i brought into this world was death and crippling grief. there’s no happy picture taking for that, just cold nights alone and pitiful looks from friends, family, and my students’ parents.

when you do something enough times, you tend to go into autopilot. i would get up every morning, look in the mirror every day and force myself to find something meaningful in my empty life. at least when i’m in autopilot, i’m numb to the pain. but as i’ve said, i’m out of autopilot. it’s like someone took away the morphine drip and i’m forced to feel this raw pain in all its entirety.

“Christian!” I got up, forcing a smile. “It’s good to see you.”

“Viv!” Christian, shocked, of course, embraces me. “Oh my God! How have you been?”

“I’ve been good!” I nod at Christian Cruz Jr., now playing with blocks with other children. I notice the wedding band on Christian Cruz’s finger and I try not to wince. “So who’s the lucky mom?”

“Oh, about that,” Christian blushes and begins to stammer seeming to have a hard time finding words, something uncommon for the Christian Cruz. “well, you see, the mom’s a surrogate”

shocked once again! i gave up being with him because i thought it would be better for him to start a family with a fertile woman. did his new wife have fertility issues, too? you mean to tell me i could have stayed with the man of my dreams if we just thought of surrogacy!? I suddenly feel betrayed, anger welling up inside me.

i open my mouth to say something. i don’t know what to say in this situation but i had to say something.

“Vivian wait,” Christian always knew how to talk me down which was annoying but the reason for our happy and healthy relationship. “there’s something you should know.”

all of a sudden a man comes up next to Christian and says, “sorry, babe, i got lost looking for the bathroom and i had to go back to the car to get the good camera.”

babe?

i look at Christian Cruz, a man that was once my world, heart, and soul. i blink in confusion then realize what it was that Christian had to tell me.

“honey,” Christian gestures to me, “this is an old friend of mine, Vivian, it turns out she’s junior’s teacher!”

his partner gasps, looking as though he’s figured out a puzzle. “Oh! you’re the Vivian Moreno!? what a small world! well, i’m junior’s other daddy, Paulo Cruz.”

“I suppose I am that Vivian Moreno,” I begin to blush. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

i made a mental note to pick up a bottle of wine to go with the cupcake on my way home.  

[anovoja]

i thought i left you behind raised my hands to cast you out dismissing you from my life but sadness you've returned to keep me company cradling my heart in your ice cold hands i know you well for you have kept me warm with your frigid embrace every time my heart broke and you hold me now because love won't i'm probably gonna read this in a few months like wtf lol

[anovoja]

at last

I sit in the back of the coffeeshop, procrastinating as always.

I rest my chin in my hands and go off in a daze.

That’s when you walk in and knock me out. You seem to catch my eyes and they cannot be set free. Suddenly Etta James comes on over the speakers. At last. You have come along. My lonely days are over. It’s stupid, they tell me. Love at first sight. But I know it’s real. I mean it’s standing right at the counter, talking to the barista. I smile at the thought of you and all that you mean from this moment on. I guess I caught your eye too because you sit at the table next to me, smile, and politely say hello. I definitely lose my focus now, adding to the procrastination. The beating of my heart quickens and I try my hardest not to break a sweat because how cute would that be? But the harder I try the more beads form across my forehead. I hold my breath every time I sneak a peek at you from the corner of my eye. 

“Play it cool!” I say to myself- in my head of course because how crazy would I sound talking to myself? How do I approach you? Or did you already approach me by sitting her? Is it my turn to make a move? What do I even begin to say? What if this is the universe telling me to take matters into my own hands? I have to say something.

“Hi, please forgive me for being so forward,” Oh my god! I’m actually speaking! “But I couldn’t help but notice you. Would you like to go out sometime?” 

You smile. I think that’s a good sign. Anticipation takes a hold of me and a world of possibility is dawning as you open your mouth to speak. 

Crash

The sound of glass shattering.

Reflex brings me back to reality and I come out of my daze. 

I was just day dreaming. As always. 

All eyes are on the barista as she cleans up the shattered mug, making sure they don’t step on any pieces. Across the room, you look up from the commotion and make eye contact with me. 

Looking into your eyes shatters my world and gives me butterflies. 

You smile politely and walk on out the door. 

[anovoja]

girl, guess what

Jane was walking along Main Street when she saw him. 

She recognizes Michael’s back because she’s so used to third wheeling with him and Maria that she knows his back better than her own. With that being said, Jane also knows Maria’s back just as well, so who is this little bimbo holding Michael’s hand? 

Oh hell no. 

Jane whips out her phone to dial up Maria and begins to follow Michael and the bimbo. 

“Girl, guess what?” Jane whispers so she doesn’t attract attention

“Bitch what?” Jane can tell Maria’s at home because she can hear Grey’s Anatomy and the rustling of a bag of chips (probably Takis) in the background. Maria is gonna have to get her ass over on Main Street real quick so she better slow down on the Takis. 

“I’m on Main Street and I see Michael” Jane tries to keep her distance but is still trying to identify miss bimbo. 

“Okay so? I trust my man. He can have a life,” Maria replied, brushing off Jane. 

“Okay so he won’t have a life after what I’m about to tell you” 

“What do you mean?” Maria asked, suddenly serious. 

“Michael is holding some girl’s hand” Jane cranes her neck so she can tell Maria who it is. The infidels turn the corner from Main Street onto Third and Jane gets a clear view of the bimbo’s face. 

Her stomach drops. 

How could Jane not recognize her own sister’s back instantly? 

“Um never mind April Fools I made a mistake it’s not actually Michael! Ha-ha! okay bye!” Jane nervously rushes off the phone and as she hangs up she can hear Maria talk hysterically. Sisters of best friends are technically best friend in laws. Jane would beat any bitches ass for Maria, but Alex ass? Sure Alice was a bitch but Jane can’t go against blood. But Alex is literally biblically wrong! Jane can’t go against the Ten Commandments! 

Jane runs up behind Alex. She’s not afraid of her little sister, she can say whatever she wants. 

“Um, Alex, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Jane grabs Alex’s arm and turns her around. She looks up and points a finger in Michael’s face. “And you. You little piece of shit!” 

“Jane, I can explain! I’ve been meaning to break up with Maria for a while now. Your sister is-”

“You’ve been meaning to WHAT?” Michael, Jane, and Alex turn around to a fuming Maria, her face twisted with anger. That’s when Maria begins to shove Michael and Alex. Alex and Maria shouting at each other. Maria slapping and grabbing Michael by the hair. Normally Jane would jump in, but again, to against blood? As the situation escalates, Jane is overwhelmed with nausea.

“Aren’t you going to help me?” Alex shouts at Jane. 

“Help you? You stole MY boyfriend!” Maria lunges for Alex but Alex fights back. 

“It’s not stealing if he doesn’t wanna be with you!” 

Yo, fuck this shit. Amid the shouting, slapping, and betrayal of loyalty, there’s only one thing Jane could do. The world begins to spin, the street and buildings go blurry, and her knees give out. All Jane could do was faint. 

[anovoja]

[99/100] Craving a 99'er now

[anovoja]

on the menu

Why do I go on these dates? 

Well, it’s not like you have anything better to do since your life is “together”

Okay, can you not, it’s not “together”

I always call Kristine after every single date so this one is no different. 

It’s really no different. 

I wish it was. 

My only solace from Mark is my cute waiter, Dominick. How sick is that? I’m on a date with this computer engineer (goodbye student loans, right? kidding) but here I am making eyes with a waiter. I don’t mean to sound elitist but do you see what I’m getting at? Why pick a Toyota over a Benz? 

Yes, Dominick, I would love more water. Thank you.

Yes, Mark, I would love to hear more about your frat. Thank you.

Yes, Dominick, I would love more napkins. Thank you.

Yes, Mark, I would

love

to be spared the stories of you taking body shots off Brazilian models two spring breaks ago.

Thank you.

It’s like a ping pong match, but really it’s no contest. How rude would it be to leave your date for the waiter? I would feel like shit? 

“Is there anything else I can get you tonight?” Dominick said when he approached our table. His hair was well coiffed, but I just wanted to run my fingers through his thick brown hair, wrapping them between my knuckles. His lips, oh my, my his lips. Maybe we'll talk about those later. His eyes have that hunger that can’t be filled from refilling soda cups and breadbaskets. There’s something more that he longs for in this life. There’s something more that I long for tonight.

Yeah, your number

“Yeah, your number” 

Fuck. 

I said that out loud.

Mark chokes on his food a little bit. I don’t blame him. But can you blame me? Dominick has been charming me all night, how can I not? I want to find out what he aches for, maybe even be the thing he yearns for. 

At least I could shake up this boring ass date. 

Dominick looks a little awkward at first, his mouth hanging agape. 

“I said what I said,” I said with a wink. 

Dominick's lips-those cute lips that we'll have to talk about later- curl into a grin and pulls out a notepad, scribbling his number.  

I’m definitely going to give him a call after I get off the phone with Kristine tonight. 

[anovoja]

engagement party

Kevin looks at himself in the bathroom mirror and adjusts his tie, his fingers tracing the edges of the fabric as he begins to zone out. 

I can’t believe my little sister is engaged 

Kevin inhales, takes another quick look at himself and sighs before stepping out into the lively festivities. The room is filled with family and close lifelong friends. The chatter is lively and everyone is crowding around Melissa, Kevin’s younger sister, oohing and aahing at her shining engagement ring. Melissa’s fiance, Daren, retells the engagement story to the aunties who listen, entranced by the romantic tale. 

Kevin likes Daren for Melissa. He can tell that it was truly love. Kevin was there for his sister when all the other guys broke her heart. He remembers her begging her older brother to not drive over to Michael Donovan’s house to beat his ass. He wasn’t really gonna do it. He was just upset that this white dude had the audacity to hurt his sister. So when he saw the way Daren looked at Melissa as he told this story, Kevin knew that Daren would take care of his little sister. 

The room radiated happiness. Everyone was dressed in bright pastels of periwinkle and peach and smiled while they spoke. In one corner of the room was a makeshift photo booth with a flowery background and banner that read “Congrats D+M!” hung above it. Next to the photo booth was a table of drinks and snacks. Mom and Melissa got a little too excited as they poured out the mimosas and Grandma shook her head disapprovingly at the sticky mess they made. The engagement party was supposed to be held in the backyard on a bright April Saturday, but the spring showers rolled in out of nowhere. Despite the grey skies, it was as if the room was the source of light in the world. But Kevin felt a sinking pit in his stomach as he looked on at the houseguests. 

Kevin was happy for his sister, really. But he was the kuya, the older brother. Kevin was supposed to be the man and find a wife of his own by now. It had been three years since he and Candice had broken up. Kevin wasn’t in a rush to find someone new after the break up. In fact, when Daren first came around he had offered to set up Kevin with an old classmate of his, but Kevin declined. He needed some time to heal and sort out his life. Candice was a great woman, the one that got away if anything. If Kevin wasn’t so immature this engagement party could have been theirs. 

He was different now. 

Despite his maturation, there was no going back no matter how hard they try. They tried. 

“At least they stopped asking about you-know-who,” Melissa said as she approached with a glass of mimosa.

“Sure, but I think everyone asking me when it’ll be my turn is just as bad,” Kevin grunted as he took a sip of the bubbly beverage. 

“It’s a valid question, yknow,” Melissa said lightheartedly. Kevin’s face dropped. A solemn reply of silence. 

“I’m sorry, yea? C’mon! Don’t be so grumpy, Kuya! It’s a party! My party! You can be sad later when we bring out the Magic Mic!” Melissa said as she elbowed her brother. 

“I’m happy for you kid, I really am,” Kevin sighs “but you can’t blame me for being jealous, do you? I’m pushing 30 and I don’t even have a girlfriend!”

“You’re literally so dramatic. 30’s not even old!” Melissa rolled her eyes as she sipped more mimosa. This was half true. Thirty isn’t old, but the siblings grew up aspiring to marry young, so she knew her brother was spiraling. She looked on at the party guests, her eyes studying the crowd. “Daren’s cousin is cute, don’t you think?” 

Kevin looks up to see a young woman bouncing one of the many babies in her arms. Her eyes widened as she sang to the baby, “close open! close open!” A classic Filipino song that aunties sang to children. She swayed side to side, shifting her weight between her hips in rhythm as she sang. The baby giggled and obediently closed and opened her hands as the song told her to do. A smile crept up to Kevin’s face as he watched her. 

“Yeah, she is cute,” Kevin said coolly. He was getting ready to reject his sister’s attempt to set him up but it was already too late. Melissa called over Daren’s cousin to introduce the two. Protesting at this point would be obvious and expose the sibling’s plan, not that Kevin was planning on anything. 

“Kevin, this is Janelle; Janelle, Kevin,” Melissa smiled as she stood between the two. 

Janelle smiled, “Nice to meet you! I’d shake your hand but,” she gestured at the now bored baby in her arms. 

“Likewise,” Kevin smiled in return. Janelle was a typical Filipina-American beauty. Typical brown skin, typical dark hair and typical dark eyes. But there was something about her. Her brown skin glowed, her dark hair danced, and her dark eyes sparkled. Perhaps it’s just the allure of a new person. How long will the shine caused by infatuation last, really? 

Kevin tried to shake the cynicism. Would he like her out of desperation due to fear of being alone? Is he being crazy for thinking this about someone he had just met? Melissa would say yes. For now, Kevin will just enjoy small talk with this pretty girl that he had just met. Awkward silence doesn’t exist at loud Filipino parties. He’ll ask her what she does for a living and how she likes it and he’d explain what he does and how he likes what he does. Maybe he’ll find her charming and maybe he’d ask for her number. Maybe her looks are all that she’d have to offer. Maybe this situation will play out how they always do.

[anovoja]

[anovoja]

[anovoja]

If this doesn’t classify as eating the rainbow then I don’t know what does🤓✨ made this delish and nourishing stir fry of all the veggies I had in the fridge {broccoli, purple cabbage, leek, carrot, mushroom, green beans & red capsicum} with a chilli-ginger sauce, crispy marinated tempeh + a mix of black and brown rice👅🌿💦 I promise it sounds a lot fancier than it really was😉 Hope you all nourish your bodies well today. And everyday✨

IG: @naturally_nina_

[anovoja]

I'm at my apartment's office waiting for them to open up so I can pick up my fucking package. Literally who takes an hour long lunch break at 2pm. Is your job TH AT taxing on you. U gh. There's literally no one here what the fuck do they do all day. Pass out packages and tell people how expensive it is to fucking live here. I wonder if they actually live on the property because this place is so fucking expensive to live in. I am also typing on this because I like the way typing on this desktop keyboard sounds. Maybe I should get a desktop computer just to feel...... productive? just because I like the way it sound? But I'm typing on a Dell laptop. Would a Apple desktop sound just as satisfying? Anyway, I still wonder what these people that work at the office do all day. My hair is a fucking rat's nest by the way lol. I still need to fucking brush my teeth. I wonder they're having sex in there. Because their day does NOT get that hectic. I feel like they can watch Netflix WHILE doing what they're doing. I would do that. I do that when I do my homework. I was planning on writing stories while I wait to get my package because I kind of want to become a writer. But idk lol I am not the best writer, WHICH is kind of the reason why I want to start writing so that I may get better at it, you know?

[anovoja]

Makeup Blog

[anovoja]

[anovoja]

mar 17

I am SO happy that I finally finished 5th quarter! I can't believe how close I am to finishing nursing school. I really hope that God gives me the wisdom, strength, and guidance to have what it takes to be a real nurse. Because soon enough I am no longer a student nurse but rather a REAL nurse. But for now I'm just going to relax and enjoy my vacation because Lord knows how much stress I have gone through this quarter. Lol may I also add how grateful I am to have written my professor a thank you note because she L O V E D it/me. +1 point for the kiss ups.

[anovoja]

feb 22: clinical faith

I have never felt so much stress in all my years in college, which, was bound to happen. I have always prided myself in my ability to take care of what needs to be done without stressing, but lately it’s gotten so bad I think my actual myocardium is going off whack. But it’s whatever. I know once I reach the weekend I’ll be okay again. I think I’m just so damn worried that I’m going to mess up. But you know, my nurses and my instructor all say really encouraging things to me in regards to how I’m progressing as a nurse. This is a profession that I take to heart and definitely want to do my best and bright (I won’t kill myself over being the brightest, but I definitely don’t want to be dim). I was really stressed out until I read what my clinical instructor wrote about me

"You are looking more like a nurse each week in your actions.” 

That comment really meant a lot to me just because I know that she expects so much from us. I guess I’m just going to have to keep praying for guidance that I keep doing the right thing. 

[anovoja]

[anovoja]