antheshewro

[antheshewro]

For Recruit!Levi, the snow was a mesmerizing sight. The small, crystallized clusters of frozen water falling from the sky, blanketing the earth with a pristine layer of white. Such a spectacle was one to behold, one that was almost foreign to him. In the grim, darkened corners of the underground, there was no such thing as snow. Only muck, filth, and rot. Where life was so incredibly cheap, with the constant threat of being stabbed in the back at any given moment. Here, on the outside, it was a different story. It was as if time stopped, and the world changed.

Such beauty. All white, and perfect.

It was strange. The sensation of cold, cold, cold, and yet, it doesn't rain. He was used to the rain, always pouring, always cold, never dry. Here, it was just cold. Icy cold, in fact. The sky had turned into a bleak grey and the freezing, cold air chilled him to the bone. Around him, he could hear the sound of murmurs and laughter as his fellow soldiers indulged themselves in the scenery and played in the powdered snow, after an expedition. They decided to take a break, and that valley was a safe spot after they got rid of the titans that were roaming around.

His boots crunched against the sleet on the grass, his fair cheeks now flushed—just like his nose. His hands were freezing; he wasn't used to that much cold. The Underground was cold, it's true, but there in the Surface, winter was freezing. It made his fingers hurt if he tried to move them.

He even observed a snowflake for five full minutes, as it landed on the sleeve of his coat. His mind couldn't wrap around the fact that such a thing could exist in the first place. Where did it come from? How could it pour from the sky and not be like a raindrop? Levi had too many unanswered questions; it had only been two months that he left the Underground, but he felt like a kid, at 26.

Sitting on a cold rock, snuggling underneath his scarf, he looked at a patch of white snow near the tips of his leather boots. He hesitated for a moment, glancing around him—seeing if anyone was looking. Then, with his index finger, he began to draw patterns on the snow. Absently, but his grey eyes were focused.

Nobody saw him that day. But he would remember his very first day on the snow for years to come, and return to the same spot—thanking his good memory for that—to watch the snow falling from the sky.

[antheshewro]

Levi, as he tries to draw a titan for the first time on a blackboard while showing his plan to his comrades—after Erwin encouraged him to—but ends up drawing what the others think is some sort of alien and a rather embarrassed and pissed off frown on his face: I don't think it looks good.

Hange Someone, from the back of the room: IT IS FANTASTIC!

[antheshewro]

Things that might've been cooking in my drafts:

★ Another part of the fanfiction about the veterans as cats

★ A long one shot fic Levi x reader who comforts him after he lost Furlan and Isabel with a bonus of a love confession. Is it a spoiler?

★ An original story with the OC I introduced in the very first fic I posted in my blog (this time, not related to AOT but it's very dear to me...)

★ A sequel fic about what happens when the boy and his dog step inside the tree where Ymir Fritz found herself millennia ago

Something I'm planning to write sooner or later:

☆ A prequel; I have yet to decide if it will be set in Marley or Paradis

☆ A horror fic about Toji Fushiguro based on a dream I had a while ago

☆ A fic about No Name (Levi, Hange and Miche as a band)

This is a list that I'll pin and update from time to time 🖤

[antheshewro]

A few random headcanons about Attack on Titan characters that make sense in my mind (even if some are truly random idk):

Levi – In terms of his personal appearance and grooming, we can say that he is canonically very attentive to it. I picture him being very meticulous when it comes to his nails and especially shaving his face. In his free time, he still visits the Underground and brings basic necessities to children and families. On the Surface, he always helps, if he can, homeless people. After the war and once he became a retired veteran, he began to smoke even though it repulsed him. It was, however, a great way to calm his nerves.

Erwin — There were stray cats wandering around the backyard of the headquarters and he fed them regularly, to the point they started to settle there and became a feline colony. Hange, Moblit and Miche may have or have not helped him. A man that every single woman wanted to marry, or would have wanted as a son-in-law. He was tempted to let his facial hair grow, when he let it grow after he lost an arm, but at the end decided against it.

Moblit — He always reminded me of Armin, and just like him, he would probably spend hours inside the library to read while drinking tea. A very calm and quiet guy, well liked by the ladies as well, though he never felt like they would be interested in him. A morning guy who would like bread with butter and cherry jam for breakfast.

Hange — Has read "The Metamorphosis" by Kafka and asked themselves for weeks if the protagonist was a big roach or a small roach. Sleep talks, learned how to fix things by themselves even though it would end up with them having at least one small cut. Likes spicy food but regrets eating it every single time.

Miche — Very much into trekking, walking in the countryside, camping and all that stuff. Cooking meat on a fire in the middle of a forest, fishing with bare hands, hunting but only to feed himself. I can see that he's one who would build a birdhouse and replenish it with food periodically.

Nanaba — At least two Scouts told her that she was the perfect combination of Erwin (she's blonde with blue eyes) and Levi (her haircut and features). A big flirt with women, if a man is annoying a lady at the tavern she would step up no matter if the said guy is twice her size.

Oluo — His haircut is clearly an attempt to copy Levi's own. He said, to himself, "Nanaba has a similar one, I can do it" and ended up with... that. He also tried to hold teacups like Levi does, but they slipped from his fingers. He broke three of them in the span of a few weeks.

Petra — Massive dog lover, especially those small chihuahuas with big ears and a fluffy body. If Birkenstock were a thing in Paradis, she would've owned a green pair.

Pyxis — As a young man, he had tons of women around him. A flirt but not to the point he would cheat on his wife (since he's canonically married). And when he still had hair on his head, he was clearly blonde.

Keith Shadis — A massive Jägerbomb and Jägermeister drinker. He smoked cigars to unwind as he took breaks from his paperwork, and since he didn't want his subordinates to know that he smoked, he blamed that it was someone else smoking near him. Also–stay with me on this, he gives me massive Egyptian vibes. If he was from outside the walls, that is.

Nile Dok — He has the aura of someone who despite living in Karanes, he faked a posh accent at some point so people wouldn't say that he was from that part of Wall Rose. Having a wife and daughters, he understood women pretty well but would say "Yeah, and I have a bi-cycle" when Marie would get her period. You got that? Marie had her cycle and Nile had a bi-cycle... dad jokes would be his thing

Dhalis Zachary — Remember that chair of his? He probably would enjoy splatter horror movies. The human centipede

Theo Magath — A guy who has a sweet tooth. Likes dark chocolate and butter biscuits with his black coffee. People at the Warriors Headquarters–Porco–bothered him to kill the cockroaches that entered the bathroom when summertime arrived.

General Calvi — An Italian surname, which makes me headcanon him as Italian. Picture him as "Saverio Giovanni Calvi" (I went with old Italian male names), and for his political party, he was a Marleyan who hated Eldians. I don't think I have to add anything else to this.

Niccolò — If we have to keep in mind that he was from Marley and hated Paradisians and Eldians, he reminds me of a person from Northern Italy that hates the South and calls them terroni uncultured and unmannered. In Paradis, after the war and after he realized he was no better than the islanders, taught himself how to cook the typical dishes, especially the venison that Sasha's father would hunt for his restaurant. Likes old Italian movies and he isn't fond of cooking dessert.

Reiner — Likes to water plans at the Warriors Headquarters and helps the staff members to clean up if he can. Takes sleeping drops and wanted to learn to play guitar, at some point. Despite the fact that people think he is in love with Historia, I think he loves her like gays love Lady Gaga.

Bring me the horizon Bertholdt — Tried to eat sand as a kid to see if it tasted like breadcrumbs. It didn't. He spent hours building a sandcastle until Porco destroyed it, along with his brother Marcel. Reiner helped him build it back, along with Pieck and an older Zeke. Likes to eat ice cream alone, at the park, and was a good student.

Annie — Liked to hit little boys as a kid, especially when they would tug on Pieck's hair and call her names. One day, she slapped a boy so hard, his glasses flew away. No, that wasn't Zeke.

Pieck — Massive caffeine addict, but she's now numb to it and can sleep even if she drinks four cups a day and gives her the shits. Likes nightgowns and always has well manicured fingernails.

Porco — One of those guys that act like big shots but a "your mama" joke is enough to shut them up. And whenever he teases someone and that person has a better comeback, he grumbles and leaves.

Zeke — If he has time, he helps the local animal shelters in Liberio. Has books about dinosaurs, and he was obsessed with them as a kid. Also a child who went to the supermarket and he put the products back in their place if other customers grabbed them and left in another spot–the label HAS to face him.

Sasha — As a Southern girlie, she knew every single folk dance and song, and she invited her friends at least once to the village festivals in Dauper.

Jean — When in season 4 we see him with facial hair and longer hair, it took him forever to grow them out. At some point, Connie teased him saying that he must've glued a rat on his head, and Jean slapped the back of his neck.

Connie — Sneaks out of his room to have a midnight snack but he's so loud, he wakes the entire headquarters up. Hange doesn't have the guts to send him back to bed, but Levi surely does. His real name? Constantine.

Armin — A guy that claims to love nature but the moment an insect lands on his shirt, he would pass out. Cockroaches, dragonflies, crickets, grasshoppers. You name it. But he likes bunnies–the reason why he never ate rabbit meat, if served. Politely declining and saying that it upsets his stomach. After the war, he embraced veganism or vegetarianism.

Mikasa — We know that she liked ice cream once she tried it in Marley, and I would say she likes black cherry one, lemon, vanilla and peach, but her weakness would be berries. Likes to take walks, alone, and if she goes to the cemetery to bring flowers to Sasha and she finds a tomb without flowers, she personally plucks a few and offers them to these poor souls.

Eren — He likes to go for walks by the sea, and he always carries bread with him to offer to the seagulls. When they pooped on his shirt, he got annoyed and stopped for a while. Also tried to throw stones and seashells at them to take revenge of that.

Historia — As a Queen, she tends to sleeps late. She doesn't care and she sleeps in, if she could. Still visits the orphanages, and once her daughter was old enough, she brought her to play with those kids to teach her inclusivity and equality.

Ymir — During her time as a Scout, she would be having massive fights with Oluo. She couldn't help it. She hated his ass, and if it wasn't for Historia, she would've beat him up. But she would find Nanaba to be bearable, and even Petra—as harmless as she was.

Yelena — Let me hold your hand when I say: her deep voice with a Russian accent. A woman who doesn't like to shave, a big and massive lesbian. If she didn't enlist in the Marleyan troops, she would've been a Marine.

Onyankopon — A true gentleman, ladies loved him in Marley. He's religious, but after the Rumbling, I feel like he lost his faith for a lot of reasons. Though, before the war, he was usually going to church every now and then and he did volunteer work.

Gabi — Have you seen the scene where she basically suplexed Falco? If she kicked or punched a few Marleyan soldiers that were calling her "midget", it wouldn't surprise me.

Falco — A good kid at school, always polite and respectful. The one who prevented Gabi from talking back to teachers, and even to Magath.

Onyankopon — Has an entire journal filled with labels of the teas he tries—but also herbal teas. He loves collecting and started as a child with coins and bottle caps. If he doesn't know what to say during a conversation, he would chuckle and go, "It's cold/hot today, isn't it?" even though it isn't. Plus, he gives me massive Englishman vibes—can't decide if he's a Londoner or from the North.

Willy Tybur — Has five kids, loves his wife but he slept around. 100%. Due to the influence he had in Marley and the fact that no one could go against him, if he left his illegitimate children, the women couldn't say anything about it.

Grisha Jaeger — Kept a journal where he scribbled his memories from Marley, so he wouldn't forget them. Also, bad at cooking. He tried once and almost burned the kitchen down.

Carla Jaeger — When she was a waitress, she always had the attention of both men and women. And since she wore lipstick, I can see that she would always be very fond of makeup. Complimenting the other women for their appearances–to flirt or not, that was up to one's interpretation.

Kenny Ackerman — If classic rock was a thing, he would've been a diehard fan of rock bands. He was a chain-smoker, liked to drink intense liquors and never got tipsy right away. Has a Southern accent, never been religious, but a fervid supporter of "the end justifies the means". When he became the legal guardian of Levi and he would soil the bed, he would walk out of the house to calm himself down and not yell at him.

Kuchel Ackerman — A woman that was very refined and elegant. I can see her having books about romance, with fantasy settings. She's the one who taught Levi how to properly handle his personal hygiene, a reason why his clients liked her–she was very well kept. She secretly smoked.

Furlan — A guy that attracted his fair share of ladies in the Underground. Always have a part of his food to Isabel, liked to brush her hair and retrieve knick-knacks she would like, and that she ended up losing.

Isabel — Another cat fan. She went around the Underground to feed the stray cats, and she had brought one back home, to the place she shared with Levi and Furlan. It didn't last much, due to Levi not liking cat hair around the place, but she secretly kept it in her room. They knew due to the smell of cat and the tiny mewls at night.

Hitch — One of the most liked girls in her branch of the Military Police. She had at least one date each week, dated a few guys. She also had a flirt with a girl, and she had to admit that it was something she couldn't ignore. Blunt and straightforward enough to be men's worst nightmare.

Floch — No surprise when we say that he would be a big misogynist. Preaching about women finding fulfillment if they got married and had kids. A guy who would laugh if your pet dies because "it's just a dog/cat/whatever it is", but he's a pathetic yearner if he falls in love. The thing is, more than half of the women he was interested in didn't give a damn about him.

Sorry if it's a bit too long and if I missed any character but I was bored and here's the result of that ★

[antheshewro]

Undeground!Levi, who couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the Scouts' headquarters for the first time. The bathrooms with hot running water, the food in the pantries, the beds in the dormitories. No cockroaches scurrying around the place, no mold, no stuffy air. No surviving with leftovers, days-old food, stolen food. No makeshift toilets, pissing or shitting on the street, cleaning himself with whatever he found. No personal hygiene products that irritated his skin or scalp, since that was all he could find, and that he had to use.

Undeground!Levi, who felt like it was too good to be true. What was the catch? What if they sent him back out on the street at any moment? After the law of the jungle had kept him alive, all those comforts didn't sit right with him. As if they were making fun of him—mocking him. Was this how people lived on the Surface, with all these comforts and conveniences? He couldn't believe it. It was some kind of hallucination or dream given by the pangs of hunger, and when he would wake up, he would have been in his home, in the Underground. What he saw was not to be trusted, nor were the kind words of his companions who told him that "it would be fine" there.

Undeground!Levi, who sneaked out of his room to get to the kitchens and the pantry room, where the Scouts stored the food exclusively used to cook meals and for times of scarcity—therefore, off limits, unlike the food kept in the cupboards. Just a piece of bread, some goat cheese, and maybe some ham; he saw no harm in it. Until he came face to face with Shadis, who descended to the kitchen to grab something to eat and drink before he would resume his tedious work, and heard noises from the pantry. Thinking it was because of rats, the Commander opened the door and found Levi there, with food in his hand, caught red-handed. Shadis' deep voice echoed around the kitchen, waking up a handful of soldiers that thought that it was a titan roaring. Even the guards, outside the main doors of the headquarters, were quite concerned about that scream.

Underground!Levi, who saw a few soldiers keeping Shadis away from him as he left the food there. He could understand why he was enraged—he had been informed about the rules of the headquarters once he joined, a few days earlier. Yet, that instinct of not trusting anyone but himself, to rely on his survival instincts, to getting food as he always had prevailed. He felt uncomfortable, deep down; guilty, sheepish, hurt by himself. He had been a thief, but he still had manners—his own. It was difficult for the others to understand, and even more difficult for him to explain.

Undeground!Levi, who decided to leave the kitchen with his stomach growling. He wasn't going to apologize, not even if they punished him. He did nothing wrong, because he did the only way known to him to survive and feed himself. Although he felt uneasy, in the depths of his heart, he couldn't fully grasp it. He said nothing to Furlan or Isabel; too embarrassed of it, not wanting them to be worried about him. Trying to keep his façade on.

That night, he got away with it. But ten years later, when he was offering lollipops to the little kids who survived the Rumbling, at the refugee camp in Marley, he saw a boy stealing a sweet from his box. His face was the definition of guilt.

That was when he knew. And he offered that boy another candy.

[antheshewro]

Italian!Niccolò that opens a trattoria in AU!AOT, sees the rowdy and loud kids from the local highschool that happen to have lunch there to celebrate someone's birthday—the recruits from the 104th, and immediately goes "mannagg 'a Gesù Crist" under his breath

Source: trust me because I'm also Italian

[antheshewro]

Hey everyone, it has been a while isn't it? In the past few months I've been neglecting this blog as I had to deal with a few things in my personal life.

I decided to change my ongoing fanfiction about the AOT veterans as cats to a single one shot for now. I didn't truly feel like working on it anymore, but I'm pretty satisfied with it anyway! Specifying this for those who might've been waiting for a second part

I saw that my posts about my headcanons for Levi had been appreciated a lot, and I couldn't be happier ♥ it means a lot to me, also to see how many people shared my own ideas.

For now, I'll try to update my tumblr with more headcanons or short one shots/drabbles but as always, my askbox is open for requests and I'll gladly take some—for AOT, mainly, but I'll try to write for more characters from other media.

Hope you all have been well and thanks sm for all the notes, reblogs, comments, likes and followers I've gained since I started posting here. <3

[antheshewro]

AOT headcanon #2 — (My) personal analysis on Keith Shadis

If there's a character I always found intriguing and very underrated, that's Keith Shadis. And for a lot of things, he's a key character.

Starting from Grisha's memories when he got to Paradis for the very first time, Shadis found him outside the walls. We need to remember that when it happened, the knowledge about titans and the outside world was, of course, a lot different for the Scouts. No one knew about titan shifters, or anything along those lines. But Shadis found Grisha there, wandering around the woods, only knowing his name and the fact he was a doctor. Anyone, and I mean anyone would've been quite weirded out by the fact that a person that wasn't a soldier serving in the Survey Corps (the only military branch who would purposely leave the safety of the walls) was found there.

In Keith's place, other people would've taken Grisha and questioned him like he had committed a crime, until he was exhausted. Why was he wandering there? Didn't he fear titans? Why would he only know his name and job? Why made him lose his memory?

Despite that quite odd encounter, Shadis only asked him why he was outside the walls and brought him to what I think was the Scouts' headquarters. A younger and fairly tipsy Hannes would brush that off quickly; he surely had better things to do, than to care about a random stranger. Keith didn't, at least not explicitly. Despite having his own doubts, he helped Grisha build a new life inside the walls and probably got him a job as a doctor.

That simple encounter is enough for us to know that Keith Shadis was – most likely – the first character that would find out that there was life outside the walls. That Grisha came from a place that wasn't Paradis for sure. That life could be found far away.

Flashforward to 845, during the fall of Shiganshina and the attack on Wall Maria. We know about the entire ordeal with Grisha, Eren and the Attack Titan. But from the same memories that had been shown, Shadis witnesses Grisha telling his son to "avenge his mother" after Eren told his father, and Keith as he stood there, that Carla died and had been eaten by a titan.

Later on, Keith follows the two into the woods (despite being asked not to), and asks Grisha why he couldn't just avenge his own wife. After a brief exchange of words, about being or not special enough to be the ones that would actually seek revenge for Carla's awful death, Shadis drops the bomb.

"Are you going to curse someone else now?"

That simple inquiry was referred to Eren. I didn't really find any other hint about Grisha hinting at being a titan shifter, or knowing anything that the Scouts would only find out later in the story. So how could Keith think that Grisha was going to curse his own son? What did he mean with the word "curse"? He wasn't aware of the titan serum, and even about the fact that titans were human beings, once. As blissfully unaware as someone could be at that time.

Somehow, that led me to think about their previous conversation about being or not special, as Shadis called himself "not special" while Grisha was. Keith then questioned him about Eren, asking "What if your son is different, too?"

At that point, he inquired about cursing his son. To me, Shadis connected it to the fact that Grisha was from outside the walls. He surely didn't talk about Marley, or else, who knew what kind of atrocities Paradisians were going to endure again. He knew what Eldians (and his family as well) went through in Liberio.

Yet, Keith must've thought that the fact Grisha wasn't from Paradis, made him special. Special in a way that was also connected to that one speech Carla gave Shadis, about Eren only being special because he was born into that world etc. Those words and the fact he didn't feel special himself always struck a nerve within the former Commander; to the point he felt not special enough and gave up on his position.

So to him, being "special" was almost a curse. Grisha called the Scouts special people, "chosen ones"; that led to a moment where the Scouts suffered tons of casualties. Then Carla calls Eren "special", and she reprimands Shadis for wanting to feel special himself no matter what he did. That he didn't need to do so much, and her son was simply that special because he was "born into this world".

To Shadis (and to me), every time one was talking about being special felt like a bad omen. I'm not sure if it even makes sense—to me, it does and it doesn't at the same time. Isayama had been quite cryptic on this matter.

But something makes me think that Keith Shadis, somehow, had imagined some sort of connection between Grisha and the titans. He couldn't quite pinpoint it himself, he thought it was crazy, but he did. After all, both were found outside the walls, and Grisha's background was unknown. If Keith ever reached the point where he thought that Grisha could know anything that the Paradisians weren't aware of, he never shared it with anyone. Just like no one else but him knew about Grisha's origins and backstory—leading me to think that he lied to Carla about himself.

But no matter how we want to see it, Shadis kept the knowledge that Grisha was from the outer world for years, until she got asked about it. And the more he mulled over those memories, the more we can understand why he never felt special.

He lost his purpose. When he spoke about Levi, Erwin and Hange and said "special people do exist", it was because their sense of duty was stronger than their despair after each failed expedition and all the losses. Shadis, when he was still a subordinate and the 11th Commander was still alive, told himself he could do better. Lead better, act better. But when he became Commander, it dawned on him.

He got greedy, he lost his passion. He declined Erwin's idea for the long distance formation, even if it came from a deep sense of duty, essentially telling him that he was in no position to do such a thing.

Keith relied on his high ranking to feel special, to feel like he mattered and had a purpose in this world. The reason why Carla asked him if he really needed to feel "special" all the time, no matter what, and he blurted out that she couldn't understand his struggles since she didn't get through what he endured. But not in terms of losses, but in terms of the weight of his job.

Shadis couldn't accept that you could be special only because you are a simple individual with hopes and dreams, or because you simply exist. The Jaegers were special because no matter what they did, for better or for worse, their purpose never faded.

Shadis only understood it when he saved the cadets from the titans and sacrificed himself on that train.

[antheshewro]

Levi Ackerman headcanon #2 — (My) analysis on his disability

This is my second time writing about Levi and his character. I previously did so for his intimacy and sexuality; this time, I would like to give my honest opinion and headcanon on his disability. With the utmost respect for the topic as it should be handled, and the disclaimer that I don't have enough knowledge in that field.

A panel of the manga explicitly shows how a titan, during the final battle, bit onto his knee. It most likely crushed his bone and damaged his nerves all the way down. His leg, even after surgery (I could see him resorting to a more technologically advanced country and their skills in the medical field to do so), healing and physical therapy, remained stiff.

When I say "stiff", however, I do picture it not being able to bend anymore. If he sits down, he has to manually bend it. It surely hurts when it's humid, or it aches as time passes and if he sits down for a certain and/or prolonged period of time.

The usage of the wheelchair is mostly because limping the entire time is not the best thing to do, and it surely bothers him if that happens. I can see Levi using a cane whenever he wants to take a walk alone, not relying on anyone else but that wooden stick. And in a way, to feel like he's not burdening anyone, being carried around.

The acceptance of his disability surely wasn't easy. That's more than obvious, it would never be pleasant to anyone. For someone like Levi, who got the title of "humanity's strongest soldier", losing so much of his mobility made him think if it was worth it. Yet, remembering the sight of the ghosts of his fallen comrades made him get through tons of doubts and moments of self-consciousness. If one like Levi let loose and cried because of it, it's a very big deal. One of those deals that made him think that yes, he's disabled. He struggles with certain mundane tasks now, and he has to rely on other people to grab an item that's placed on a high shelf, because that particular day his leg hurts, for example. In the Bad Boy chapter, there's no wheelchair in sight; though it meant that he could've parked it somewhere (where, we don't know), we can say that if he was sitting there with Falco and Gabi, he could, again, limp his way there. It wouldn't surprise me if he was stubborn enough to be willing to help despite his injuries.

It's not a bad thing to imagine him as defeated; he lost his dear friends, his family (by blood and acquired one), and on top of that, he was left with one blind eye, two fingers ripped off from one hand and a leg that doesn't work anymore. Anyone would've reacted badly.

We also know that Levi always showed signs of being stubborn: he still engaged in a battle with fresh bandaged scars and injuries, or when he told Armin "You'll forget that I exist if I keep resting". Despite how weak he clearly was, clinging and pushing himself forward as he struggled to walk, it doesn't only show that pain doesn't stop him at all, but how stopping itself means that he's giving up on a state of vulnerability that he doesn't want to go back to; I do connect it to the time when in Bad Boy he was being beaten up by those men, before he "activated" his Ackerman genes. Or even when he had to endure the pain of Kenny leaving him, his mother dying, or his comrades falling. Levi is not going to let his own body win.

"If I let myself be weak and vulnerable, I would fail the little kid in me that fought for himself and survived despite the shit he went through. I'm not going to let him down and fail who kept me alive and made me the person I'm today. The person that people relied on. But I need to trust that kid and rely on him too," I bet he constantly repeats himself whenever he's struggling and gritting his teeth. When getting to the bathroom makes him sweat a little, or dressing himself up takes more than usual.

On the other hand, I think the relationship between Levi and the way he denies himself some sort of vulnerability is because he thinks that it doesn't bring him anywhere. It never helped him in the Underground; when in "No Regrets" he cried after Isabel and Furlan died, he most likely told himself, "What did I gain from this? Did it even help bring them back? It didn't. Suck it up."

With that, Levi suppressed his feelings and bottled them up. He allowed himself to tear up only when he saluted the fallen Scouts. But that wasn't vulnerability for him: it was pride. Proud of himself, that he kept a promise and showed himself that he wasn't the same little boy that was left in a dumpster of an underground city, more than twenty years prior. Even despite the reason he was forced to join the Scouts, and cleared his name within his own self. The son of a prostitute and his client, the nephew of a man that wasn't surely a saint.

As time passed, Levi accepted his disability and the fact that he had to adapt. You fall today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow you understand that you need some backup. Gabi and Falco, and the ones who kept in touch with him (I would say Onyankopon the most, since at the end of the manga he shows up with the other three), surely were with him when he got back to his new house and had to face the reality of things. He would grumble and push the others away at first, and he never wanted to be helped. That meant having people care for him; last time it happened, those people left or died in front of his eyes. Too many traumas made him independent and reckless, as well as stubborn.

But even Levi has his limits. Gabi and Falco are compassionate and understand that they have to respect the fact that he needs time to fully accept his disability and people's aid. Once again, when someone has been left alone for years or discarded as if they were an old and broken shoe, they toughen up. Not because they want it, and I do believe that Levi tried a lot of times to heal his inner child and only succeeded with those kids at the refugee camp, while handing them lollipops. Giving them candies meant that he was helping them grasp onto that childhood they had been denied—and that sounds awfully familiar. Another side of him, however, has been so used to doing everything alone and being his own and sole emotional support that asking for help is not even contemplated.

Day by day, week by week, and year after year, he understood that grieving his lost mobility was alright. Letting people help him was alright. Discovering his limits, rediscovering his body and making everything coexist was the key. That the little Levi in him would be proud of adult Levi for not pulling a card at the base of the house of cards he built and instead, recreating it. That was when child!Levi began to feel at ease, and veteran!Levi could rest.

[antheshewro]

AOT headcanon — (My) personal analysis on Paradis

I previously wrote my own headcanon about Levi's sexuality, based on the official content we have about him. I saw that it was appreciated (23 notes for me are like a hundred so thank you!), which led me to share more headcanons of Attack on Titan. This time, in particular, I'll focus on Paradis as a nation—culture, moral values, etc.

First thing first, Paradis is a country that was secluded and was denied a technological development. Not having the knowledge that there is a whole world outside the walls and beyond the sea, they got to the point where their own development benefitted the military (think about the equipment the soldiers use, which is not really aligned with the middle ages setting). That leads me to believe that the progress in terms of morality got affected by this.

I can see their society being conservative; very "old school" type of approach when it comes to dating, for example. Men had to show up at their women's door to ask for their hands in marriage to their parents, wanting their daughters to be virgins when they got married, expecting them to settle and pop out a few kids. Men were expected to be the heads of their families, having a certain control over their wives. I would mention misogyny as consistent: when a Marleyan called Sasha a 'whore' completely unprovoked; when the Military Police's soldiers were discussing about Historia getting impregnated; the entire ordeal with Mikasa and her mom, about their heritage and the fact that they were targeted to be sold to the black market. It's useless to mention how much prostitutes were hated.

Hookup culture was surely a thing, and in my opinion, a lot of soldiers resorted to it. The Scouts are the branch that has the lowest survival rate, and having a committed relationship meant each time they would leave for their monthly expeditions, they always had the fear of not seeing their wives, husband or children ever again. Erwin, to me, agreed not to date Marie not only to focus on his duty, but also because he couldn't bear to think about her grieving if he died. Because of that, the Scouts either dated between each other or resorted in hook-ups with women who were drooling over soldiers—I can picture only men having those 'adventures'.

The Garrison, until the fall of Wall Maria, were as lazy and drunkards as ever. They only had to protect the civilians from the titans, which gave them a higher survival rate (though we could see how incompetent they were when Shigashina was attacked). That meant they surely had more opportunities to marry and settle; Pixis had a wife, for example. This, however, doesn't exclude the fact that men still hooked up with women, mostly to have someone to warm their beds.

The Military Police had it simple: their job was fairly easier and safer. Women would settle with them because their paychecks were higher; if men had one night stands, it was because they used their own ranks or job as MP officers to be entitled to women's attention. In this case, we know that Nile Dok had the possibility to marry Marie and also be a father, a privilege since he didn't constantly risk his life.

The fact that women were allowed to join the military was surely something that was allowed after ages. Yet, we can see the military where the percentage of male soldiers was surely way higher. The reason why no women became Commanders. When Hange got promoted, I could see tons of Scouts being against it, because of their gender. There's a bit of confusion since they use she/her with Hange sometimes, especially in the anime, but whatever the case is, they aren't male. And therefore, a Commander who's not male was surely a big no-no for a lot of people.

Paradis surely is a country where discrimination is rampant, and some people would turn their heads to the side whenever there was someone being targeted. Classism was very much normalized; the government completely ignored the poorer and lower classes. They never cared about the Underground, and when the fall of Wall Maria happened, with Shiganshina that welcomed most, if not all lower classes, it could be seen when their residents got sent to Wall Rose after evacuating. The government also sent the lower classes outside the walls to "work" when the food supplies weren't enough, and as Armin stated, the situation got a bit better. It wasn't surprising that they were all people who lived in Shiganshina.

I do see the richer classes being reluctant to lend a hand to the homeless, for example, whether it is giving them a few coins or engaging with volunteering. If they can, they avoid it. They're greedy, and if they can exploit the poor, they don't back away from it.

In terms of racism, it wasn't a thing until the discovery of Marley. From that moment, with the entire 'Eldian race' type of stuff, it surely flared up and mostly in the Scouts, because of the Jaegerists. It wouldn't surprise me that once Onyankopon began to help the Survey Corps, a lot of them (especially Floch) resorted to prejudices and blatant snarky remarks about his skin color, and of course, his home country—there was indeed a scene where he got cornered.

Homosexuality... I'm a bit conflicted about it. On one hand, I could see Paradis having several people believing that women had to only date men to assure that the Paradisians wouldn't be extinct one day. On the other hand, history tells us that homosexuality always existed and was a trait shared even in the Middle Ages. The only hint that Paradis had certain religious beliefs is the "cult of the walls"; though, the presence of pastors or some sort or alternate version of Catholicism or anything along those lines, which included the cult of the walls, was surely a thing. There, sodomy was a sin. A lot of homosexual encounters were perhaps shared in private places, or designated ones. In AOT, however, no one had anything to say about Historia and Ymir; everyone understood they weren't surely best friends. And since the barracks were divided into male and female ones (Isabel Magnolia was stunned by it once she joined the Scouts), we can't deny that there were gay cadets, or gay couples/officers among the ranking in each Regiment.

Finally, gender identity. If we push aside the entire "church and conservatives didn't approve that" thing, I can think of transvestites, mostly men. Hange is the only character that's canonically not a man nor a woman. When they joined the Corps, people surely questioned it; some were appalled, others were reluctant. Not out of malice, or better, not all of them, but I would say out of a lack of knowledge. When they saw that Hange was a valid member and Squad Leader, the Scouts realized that they couldn't care less about how Hange defined themselves: gender identity is the last thing you should care about when you're constantly a step away from being chewed like a chewing gum.

[antheshewro]

Levi Ackerman headcanon — (My) analysis on his intimacy

Each time I wander around Tumblr and I read about how AOT fans picture Levi in a sexual context, I see a lot of fanfictions of him being a dom and a master of sex—very dominant, rough, knows every single position in bed. Given that I respect people's personal headcanons when it comes to characters since those aren't absolutely hurtful to anyone, I felt like sharing my own headcanons on his sexuality.

If we read the manga and analyze Levi's background, there's nothing that tells us that he's a virgin or not. Unless Isayama would say he is (I don't think he specified it, correct me if I'm wrong), there's a big question mark on that matter. What I do believe is that Levi knows about sex. He is, to me, like Sheldon Cooper from The Big bang theory: he knows the basics. The media shows him as a bookworm, which leads me to think that some of his knowledge on that subject came from books that he read during his life. I do picture him as one that he began to read to fight against the picture he had about himself, as an Underground resident; later in life, he began to read because he enjoyed it and it relaxed him.

That being said, just like Sheldon Cooper approached the topic of sex, flirting and dating, Levi knows how men and women would flirt and the purpose behind it for example. He mostly sees it from his comrades and the people in the Underground, but even though he recognizes a certain flirty comment or attitude, it's just that. It's like he would talk about it like he's reading from a manual. That doesn't mean he lacks affection, he's one that always showed that he cares in his own way.

Here it comes the topic of sex. I previously stated that we don't know if Levi is a virgin or not unless Isayama makes it canon. In my honest opinion, he is. During all his life and since he was a kid living and growing up in the Underground, he mostly focused on surviving, filling his stomach and not getting physically abused (just like in the Bad Boy chapter). An important detail, however, is that his mother Kuchel was a prostitute. Now, houses in the Underground were surely cramped and small; think about when Kenny found little Levi, that house was surely small. Or even the scene in Bad Boy where he makes tea; that house most likely had a bedroom, kitchen and living room altogether. If it had other rooms, those were as small as ever. A kitchen that if two people fit inside would get stuck, or a bathroom that was a stall.

When Kuchel had her clients inside her house, I firmly believe she tried to protect her son by letting him hide somewhere. Little Levi learned to recognize the moments where his mother had to work, hiding in a spot where the men she "welcomed" there wouldn't see him or else, they'd leave and that meant no money. No lunch nor dinner. Or worse, some sick men would try to have his way with him (remember in Bad Boy when those men talked about him having the same "skills" as his mother and wanted to sell him? Also, he didn't seem to be unaware about what they were talking about. That means Levi knew about what his mom's job was).

Kuchel would teach little Levi to hide, cover his ears and wait until she was done. But sometimes, as we know, men are brutal with prostitutes. She got some violent ones, and as much as she tried to keep quiet, Levi would hear her. And when he would see how those men were doing to poor Kuchel, he got traumatized. He heard their lewd words, their slurs and curses, and that got Levi permanently traumatized. From that moment on, he would see sex as violence, pain, something hurtful. No matter if he would educate himself on the matter, the wounds would always be fresh. He got so sick of that scenery, that it was like something switched in him. With him joining the Scouts and everything he went through while being a soldier, he – of course – focused on his job and the people he unfortunately lost up until the final battle.

In terms of approach to his own sexual desires, I see him being conflicted. He's a man, a human being; he got aroused at least once, to me. But that would be it. He knows what his body is trying to tell him, but indulging in self pleasure would be just because he feels too overwhelmed by it. As if he feels itchy and needs to scratch.

He surely had women flirting and throwing themselves at him. Just like he said to Zeke, he had a few successes with ladies. But that didn't mean he slept with them; again, he could recognize he was popular and some shamelessly drooled after him. He knows what dates are (he said, somewhere in the manga, "hot titan date" which if we want to be obnoxiously meticulous, that means he knows what a date is. Oh well).

This is just a little rant and random headcanon I wanted to share after quite a long time of pondering if it was a good idea or not. Once more: that's just my personal headcanon on Levi. Feel free to agree, disagree or share your own if you want 🩵

[antheshewro]

TMI: since I plan to get back to regularly post on this account and write too, my askbox is open if you want to send requests for headcanons, drabbles/blurbs/one shots/etc., both SFW and NSFW. Along with those, simple questions about things you want to ask me are very much welcomed ♡

I'll mainly write for AOT now, but I have a few ideas about other anime too (JJK for example).

As I specified in my bio, English is not my first language <3 do whatever you want with this info (does that mean my stories are automatically good? not sure).

PS: I'll soon open an account on AO3 soon! I'll end my boomer phase and try to see how to use post there

Hope to hear from you all soon ～⁠ ♡

[antheshewro]

Of A Cat Purrspective And Nine Lives – AOT Veterans AU

Perhaps a set of claws can be a pair of blades.

Before You Read: Here I am again! It's been so long :( this has been in my drafts for a long while, hope you like it ཐི♡ཋྀ as always, let me know if you like it! Disclaimer: gender neutral!reader for everyone to enjoy kitty cats + credits for the inspo from official arts about the characters as cats (for Levi and Hange), while for Erwin I browsed around the Internet to picture his cat self, as well for Miche. ♡ ^__^

It was a rainy morning at the Scouts' headquarters. A quiet, tranquil Thursday morning. It was raining outside, the pitter-patter of the raindrops landing on the windows, the yard and the roof, making breakfast time even more cozy and enjoyable. Nothing seemed to be out of place… not yet. When you didn't find Levi in the dining hall, given his appearance there before anyone and his restleness (along with the habit of being on his own way too much), you already knew something was up. He was always wandering around the headquarters at that time of the day, early in the morning. He couldn't have left that place out of the blue. He couldn't be sick either—Levi had strong health.

At that point, no matter if it was 8:00 AM, you decided not to stay to the dining area and look around, right down the hallway of the same floor. After a few minutes, you noticed that the door of the storage room of that floor was unlocked. The doorknob quietly twisted and clicked, the old wooden door creaking open as you pushed it. When you stepped inside, it was desert. Eerily silent. Your brows furrowed as you looked around and called his name, but he wasn't there, apparently. Until, you heard a sound coming from behind one of the shelves.

A raspy 'meow'. A couple of seconds would pass before a cat walked from behind a tall shelf on your left, next to a metal cabinet. A black, adult cat, with pointy ears, slender body and icy-blue eyes. Its little yet somewhat long black claws clacked and scratched the wooden floor as the cat shifted on its spot. Its expression was as cold and unamused as ever, a few strands of fur peering from in between its ears and behind them. Around the cat's neck, a white cravat. A sigh of relief left your lips. Levi, your cat, wasn't missing. It was just hiding.

"You scared me. I couldn't find you anywhere."

Levi's ears twitched at the low tone of his owner's voice. He wasn't much of a vocal cat—not like most house cats at least, making his quiet meows and his silent purrs a rare occurrence only when he was in the mood for cuddles and scratches behind the ears. With a lazy demeanor, he slowly walked over to you, rubbing against your legs with a soft ‘mew’ as if to indicate that he was fine. He continued to nuzzle your leg for a bit, craving some attention that you happily provided with a few gentle scratches from under his chin.

You picked the cat up, with one hand around its little belly and one beneath its paws. The front ones were against your chest, as if he wanted to support his own body in his owner's embrace. A tiny peck landed on his forehead and on the side of his face, feeling the cat's whiskers twitch. Even the smell of feline, exuding from his luscious and smooth black fur, was always able to calm you down. Levi was an extremely clean cat, and knowing he would get outside the headquarters to haunt birds, mice or whatever it pleased him, you were always very attentive and careful with his hygiene. Not to mention, the cat would willingly get inside the bathtub to get a bath. A far cry from how felines would usually approach their bath time.

"Are you hungry, sweetheart?" you softly asked, moving down the stairs. No one sitting there seemed to be minding if you were walking inside the dining hall with Levi sitting in your arms; it would've been odd to see the opposite.

"What do you feel like having for breakfast?" you added, while sitting on a single and spare table, running your fingers on the cat's back.

His ears slightly perked up at the mention of food. His tail lifted up, his little paws placed atop on the table. Levi then looked at you, his big bright blue eyes practically screaming ‘food’ in cat language. His little pink nose then twitched as his owner scratched underneath his chin and around his face. The black cat meowed at your question, as if he was answering her question and demanding food. He had a good appetite in the morning if anything. Levi's eyes then turned to the other soldiers around the room who were having their breakfast.

Another usual sight would be the one that saw you moving to the kitchen to get her breakfast with Levi on your shoulders. They say cats are smart animals, and he was one of those as well. Levi was an extremely responsive and intelligent feline. Even when his owner was preparing their own meal, he stayed around their shoulders and silently watched you prepare herself some food. You didn't get much, just a tiny cup of milk, three slices of buttered toast and some scrambled eggs in a small plate.

Once you were done and had placed your breakfast on a tray, along with a napkin and utensils, you went back to the table where you previously sat. One could notice that your breakfast always included something Levi also liked. In this case, it was the eggs. You knew that eventually, he was going to fill his little tummy by himself—a reason why the quantity of those eggs was able to feed both of them.

Levi watched his owner walk back to the table, his blue eyes locked onto the plate. He was definitely eyeing that scrambled egg, his tail thumping against your back. However, he was a good boy and waited for you to sit down first. The black cat meowed and leaned forward on your shoulder, waiting for you to give his share of the food.

You chuckled a little before gently moving him so he was sitting in your lap. Immediately, the cat leaned towards the plate, his wet pink nose practically touching the eggs as he sniffed. Once you put the plate down so he was able to reach the food, Levi started taking small bites out of the scrambled eggs. He sat still on your lap as he ate, his tail wrapping around your wrist as a sign of approval and appreciation. He was never one to leave a single crumb behind, eating a few bites before licking his lips and letting out a little satisfied purr.

After a nice breakfast, you and Levi went back to your own quarters. Once you opened the door, two more cats would approach the pair. A far bigger cat than Levi, a male, with deep blue eyes, a white and soft fur with some honey colored strikes on his forehead and body stomped on the wooden floor. One of his front paws, the right one, was missing after a stray cat bit him, and there wasn't much the pet vet could do besides amputate it. Around the cat's neck, there was a tiny, shiny green bolo tie-like collar you bought at the local pet store. The other cat was smaller than the first one, but still a bit bigger than Levi.

A female cat with chocolate colored fur and black stripes around its body. Its left eye was injured, its eyeball missing; you covered it with a black eye patch. On its head, a few tufts of longer fur could be seen on the cat's forehead and behind its ears. Your face softened as you closed the door, sitting on the floor and placing Levi down.

"Erwin," you murmured, referring to the white cat. Then, your eyes shifted to the other feline, the female one. "Hange."

Levi happily hopped out of his owner's arms and trotted over to the other two cats. He didn't waste any time in weaving around Erwin's legs, even rubbing his face against the tabby's body. His ears perked up when he heard the name of the other cat, Hange. The black cat walked over to the smaller female and nuzzled the side of her face as he purred. These three cats had a special bond, as they’ve been together for years now.

You went straight to the bed, crawling on the mattress and laying down on your side. At the gentle pat you gave on the spot next to you, beckoning the cats, Levi immediately pit-patted over to the bed, hopping on with a small jump. The black haired cat wasted no time in rubbing his head against the hand, craving affection. Behind him, Erwin and Hange started to approach their owner. Both cats were on the bed a few seconds later. The tabby climbed up on the bed and sat down by your legs, letting out a low meow as he glanced lazily at the window. Hange, on the other hand, quickly laid down in her owner's lap, rolling onto her back to expose her belly.

You had always found cats to be her true calling. If you could, you would've adopted tons of them. Each cat had been neutered, vaccinated, with a complete check up three times per year unless one of them was sick. They all had their personal litter box, in a spare little angle of your quarters, with their bowls of food and water, toys and blankets collected inside a box. To you, those cats were straight up your children; no one could tell you otherwise.

You picked Hange up, lifting her up and slightly moving her left and right, now laying flat on the bed.

"Who's my little princess, hm?"

Hange let out a soft, happy mewl at the action, her tail gently swaying back and forth. She purred quietly and nuzzled the underside of your chin as she was held. Meanwhile, Levi and Erwin could be spotted curled up together on one of the pillows, the black cat burying his face in the crook of the tabby's neck as he quietly purred.

"Of course you two are cuddling together," you mused, putting Hange down on the bed and observing her as she curled next to her side, her chin placed on her little paws. Letting out an amused snicker, you moved your gaze back to Erwin and Levi.

"Little boyfriends."

Levi lifted his head at the comment, letting out a small meow of protest as he shot an unamused look at his owner. Meanwhile, Erwin merely looked at you in response, his tail starting to sway faintly. The tabby cat couldn't care less about your words, he didn't want to get involved. There was a moment of silence as the three cats simply laid on the bed. The sound of rain outside was filling the silence, the pitter-patter against the window soothing, the storm growing stronger.

As you laid on your stomach, sighing as you felt her body relaxing on the mattress, your eyes closed for a moment. The atmosphere was just too relaxing for you—thunderstorms were always able to help you sleep, for some reason. It wasn't until you were almost drifting off to sleep that your eyelids fluttered open. Your brows furrowing as you spoke.

"Where's Miche?"

At the mention of his name, the three cats perked up at the same time, their ears and tail twitching a little. Levi, however, was the first to look around in the room for the missing cat. Hange did the same, sitting up straight in the bed and sniffing the air. Erwin, on the other hand, simply laid there silently, almost as if he already knew where the big tomcat was.

"You've been here with me the longest, Commander Erwin," you mused out, tilting your body towards Erwin, scratching his soft and full belly and running your fingers through his soft fur. Miche was the first cat you owned with Erwin. Then, you rescued Hange from a cat shelter; a few years later, Levi joined the other three cats, when he was just a little black kitten. Erwin found him near the dirty and cramped stalls; his fur was covered in mud and grime, hissing the entire time, swaying his tiny paws and claws and trying to attack. That day, you thought Erwin was bringing you a dead mouse as a gift; you couldn't be more wrong than that.

Another thing that you were used to doing, by now, was to give your cats some… particular nicknames. Given your job as a soldier, they were little soldiers too. Erwin always seemed to be the one that led, in some way, his own friends. Just like a Commander would with their own subordinates.

"Go call your friend."

Erwin let out a huff at the nickname, lifting his head from the pillow for a brief second before settling back down. The tabby cat stared at you with a deadpan expression as if saying 'really?'. After a few seconds of silent staring, he let out a low meow and flicked his tail.

At the quiet noise, it wasn't until a loud crashing sound came from your wardrobe that got the other three cats' attention. Something, or more specifically, someone, had been hiding in there the entire time.

Suddenly, the door of the wardrobe started to slowly creak open. A pair of orange eyes could be seen in the darkness inside the cabinet before a big and fluffy tan cat stuck his head out, getting out of the wardrobe. The feline, way bigger than the others, walked over to the bed quietly. He then jumped onto the bed with a thump, his black paws sinking into the soft mattress. His long and golden toned fur appeared to be all wet from the rain outside. Levi let out a little meow while Hange sat up, her eyes lighting up at the sight of the tomcat.

Due to the fact that Miche was close to the Maine Coon's species, his size while laying down was taking almost half of the bed. It was difficult to sleep with those four cats next to you every single time, due to the lack of space; but for them, you could endure it. Since all your cats were now with you, you went back to lay on your stomach and closed your eyes. As well behaved as they were, however, those were four cats.

Four felines that acted like felines. Your idea was to take a nap until lunchtime… if your cats would let you.

[antheshewro]

Una mattina - Chapter 5. (final)

It took a cup of tea and a stop on a local café to make Levi learn how Hange, his partner perhaps for life, hid something big from him. Something as big as another person, and a baby, involved. Perhaps going out that day had been a mistake.

✩ Last chapter as promised (and announced)!! Thank you everyoe for liking the story or even just reading it :( it had been months since i wanted to post it and it's my little treasure... my own child almost. the end is very bittersweet, considering what happened during the entire story, but i figured out i wanted something not to sweet and not too sad/sour. be free to write me what you think about it ♡ NDA and even tmi again: this made me bawl my eyes out

After quietly eating her dinner, she sat on the couch and looked out of the big window of her living room. The sun had already settled in the sky, tiny stars timidly appearing around the place. Was Arthur looking at the nightly scenery just like she did? Would he enjoy it? Just the thought of Arthur looking at the stars made Lawrence want to tear up. If she got the opportunity, she would love to show him the nighttime sky during a clear day, maybe sitting on a rock by the shore with Arthur in her arms so she could feel him resting his head on her shoulder. The small, intimate family that she always wanted was all she could think of. She would give anything to be a mom to Arthur and see him grow up, watch him become an amazing human being.

Several minutes later, the feeling of staying alone in that house was suffocating. Lawrence grabbed her coat, wearing it over her long nightgown, and slipped some loafers in. The neighborhood was quiet, besides a group of kids playing around the street. The moment she closed the door of her house, that sound made her stomach drop. Her therapist would say walks would help her to clear her mind. There was nothing to "clear", since everything felt empty. The children laughing made her heart suffer a little less, yet reminded her she didn't know how Arthur's laugh sounded like. Lawrence didn't even know what her own son looked like. Nothing could soothe that pain. Lawrence walked away from her own place, not even greeting any of the neighbors she encountered on her way to the park. She just wanted to be alone, to think and have some time to process her thoughts, her feelings of emptiness after seeing Sam and his dad. Arthur was probably happy without her. Levi was probably a better dad. Lawrence always believed she was a good mother, yet she wasn’t given the chance to prove it. It was too late and her heart would forever be aching with sadness and regret of not getting to cherish Arthur the way she planned to do. As she sat on a bench inside the park, Lawrence brought her knees up against her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. It was nice to see how parents would still bring their kids there, even after dinner time. Some of them even had an ice cream cone in their tiny hands. For the very first time in her entire life, as her eyes closed and took a breath, she prayed. She had never been a religious person, but felt a despair no words could ever explain. Lawrence prayed whoever was able to listen to her, asking for just a chance to see Arthur, to talk to him, to hold her own son in her arms. Asking for the possibility to be a mother.

Her pain and desperation were too much for anyone to bear. It was as if she was mourning Arthur, yet he was and well. She kept praying and praying, until her head began to spin and hurt, feeling nauseous. Maybe Arthur missed Lawrence, maybe he had always loved her and wanted to be with his mother. He would never get the chance of hearing her soft voice and feeling her warm embrace. But those thoughts were mere assumptions, and deep down, she knew they could never be the truth. Arthur didn't know who Lawrence was. He only got to know Levi, and probably was oblivious about thr fact she carried him for nine months and gave birth to him. She was just a stranger for Arthur, that was the harsh truth. Tears rolled down Lawrence’s cheeks as she kept begging for one final chance at motherhood. ____________________________________________________________

A week later after that one day, Lawrence had the time to ponder about what to do and how not to live her life miserably. There was no point in staying in Liberio if her son was never going to know about her existence. Living in that house, with that nursery, was hitting her more than she expected to. In a matter of days, she organised a trip to go back to her home country, in Britain, booked for the following week. To finally leave everything behind and grant herself a little bit of happiness. Lawrence couldn’t wait for the day she would fly away from that house, to escape the pain of knowing Arthur was so close to her yet so far. She thought about not say anything to Levi and just disappear, too, but what would he think? That she was abandoning Arthur? She would rather know he believed such a thing than to know the truth. That she was still mourning her son in a way that was making her sick, both physically and mentally. It felt weird to just fly away, leaving everything behind without a word. She felt like a coward for planning that. Event though Levi was the last person she wanted to see, Lawrence had to let him know about her departure to at least prevent some more accusations. She wouldn't hop on that ship and sail to the U.K. if it wasn't for that situation, yet staying in Liberio was beginning to make her mentally unstable. Not even meds were keeping up with her mental health. A rather chill Wednesday afternoon, she found herself at Levi's front door. Soft knocks echoed around his house as she waited for him to open. It had to be done. Levi opened the door and saw Lawrence waiting in front of it. His face was filled with curiosity, as he knew that Lawrence never visited him until that one day, since Arthur's birth. If she was there, it meant something serious had happened. Lawrence seemed paler than usual, and her face was a bit drawn too. She was either exhausted or depressed, or both. Levi couldn’t say for sure, not asking her about it and just inviting her to enter. “Hello, Lawrence.” Lawrence had to support herself on the wall next to the doorframe in order not to fall. She looked at the door opening but didn't step inside, she had no pleasure to be in a house where her own son, the same she was never going to meet, was living and probably playing in that same moment. Her gaze lifted up and met Levi's, speaking with a voice that was barely above a whisper. “I'll be quick,” She bluntly said, swallowing and letting her glance move from Levi to the ground, several times, before speaking up again. “I'm gonna move back to Britain. Permanently.” Levi didn’t like Lawrence’s tone, knowing it wasn’t a tone of someone who was announcing a simple departure. In fact, it sounded like she was about to cry. Lawrence was always so composed and quiet, yet Levi could tell that she was holding back some sobs.

After Lawrence spoke up, Levi felt a small pang in his heart. It all felt so sudden; first, she appeared at his front door out of the blue. Now, she said she was going to leave Marley forever. Despite everything that happened, something worried him. “You will come back, right?” He asked her, making his voice sound quiet and composed, yet it showed a hint of concern. The fact Levi was acting so clueless, after everything he did and said to her, made Lawrence irritated, as if it never happened and he actually cared about her wellbeing. The hand she had on the wall clenched into a fist, wiping some tears with the other one, trying to calm herself down before responding.

“Back to a city where my own son lives? The same son who doesn't know I'm his mother?” She almost hissed under her breath, tilting her head a little to the side as she uttered those words. “Is that what you mean?” Levi knew that Lawrence was right, that she had every right in the world to feel the way she felt towards Levi. She was right, but Levi didn’t know what to say, as Lawrence had her mind set in stone about her own decision. He couldn’t stand the guilt he felt, and it was making him sick. Her own son. Levi’s own son. They never met and Lawrence would never get back her moments with Arthur. “I’m sorry.” Was all Levi could say in a voice even softer than her own.

Lawrence quietly hit the wall with her fist, trying to calm herself down as she tapped the tip of her heel onto the marble steps of Levi's house. Yet, she had something inside of her that needed to come out. Everything she endured and suppressed in the past three years, everything Levi didn't see about her suffering. “Shove that being sorry up your ass,” She murmured softly, raising her eyebrows as tears spilled from her eyes and down to her cheeks. “Don't even try to act innocent.” Levi felt his heart breaking in front of him. Lawrence’s harsh words stung, even though her feelings were valid and she couldn’t blame her for that at all. He couldn’t help himself and felt anger boiling within him. His voice turned into a low growl; it was too much to hold inside himself.

“You act like I don’t hate myself for what I did. You don’t know how much I regret it every single day, how much I hate myself for taking him away from his own mother.” Lawrence slightly narrowed her eyes at those words, which widened right afterwards as she took notice of Levi's anger. He was the one getting mad over what he did? Over her being rightfully hurt by what he took away from her? Her quiet footsteps soon reached him, and hopping on one step of the front door, she spoke closely to Levi's face. “Don't even try to gaslight me,” She hissed again, feeling her breath fastening as annoyance began to flow through her veins. “You got what you wanted. You're not sorry.” Levi’s teeth grinded together as he saw rage on Lawrence’s face when she stood in front of him. He couldn’t say a word that would make her calm. “You know what? You’re right. I’m not sorry.” His voice was firm and the growl made him sound serious and mad about something Lawrence only knew. His eyes met her own. “And you know what? I’d do it again if it meant protecting Arthur.” Just like his jaw clenched, Lawrence's did the same. Her fist tightly closed until her nails were almost digging into the palm of her hand, and let him step closer as they spoke to each other. It was the aftermath of what they went through. What they've been lodging for three long years and never got said out loud.

“You mean stealing someone's baby, since Arthur is Hange's son?” She asked sternly, yet with a hint of sarcasm and mockery in her tone. “Or you want to impregnate me and steal that baby too?” Lawrence’s question was too much for his gut to handle in this moment, and Levi felt his face grow red with anger. His nostrils flared as he stared at Lawrence for a few seconds before he lost control and let out a growl with loud words. “Don’t you dare put such thoughts in my head!” He shouted, losing his cool at last. How could she ask something like that to him? His mind began to spiral out of control, sending him over the edge. Lawrence exhaled deeply and shook her head. Levi's outburst was everything she needed to know about him and the way he was convinced about being right about what he did. There was no point in arguing anymore, or keeping the conversation going. As she took a step back, her eyes were on Levi, yet their faces were still some inches away from each other. Lawrence's expression was showing nothing but resentment towards him, mixed up with pain and annoyance. That confrontation, however, was pretty much needed. Levi’s breathing started becoming heavier as he tried to calm himself down. His face was red from shouting, but he didn’t regret telling Lawrence how he felt. What needed to be said was said. “You’re leaving. And I’m glad.” Her words hit him like a bucket of freezing water, feeling hurt and angry. His eyes were full of resentment and disdain towards Lawrence as she took a step back. “Don’t come back. I never want to see your face again. Be gone already.” Lawrence kept her gaze locked with Levi's as she moved away from the front door, down until the iron gates to exit his property. As if a cruel coincidence just decided to manifest in front of her own eyes, a fly was bothering her and she waved her hand to make it go away, following it with her eyes. Then she froze. On the first floor of Levi's house, out on the balcony, a child with dark brown hair and curious brown eyes was intently looking at her. Lawrence felt her knees weak. It couldn't be. It was Arthur himself.

Levi, who was about to slam the door in Lawrence’s face, stayed still once he saw her reaction when she noticed Arthur in the balcony. Levi himself couldn’t believe his own eyes and felt like he was hallucinating. He had never let Arthur see her, yet there the kid was, staring straight at Lawrence. Arthur was looking at Lawrence, intrigued and curious, as he watched her closely. He had always wondered about her, who she was and why his father never let him meet her. Yet, he saw her now, and he wanted to approach her.

In that eye contact, Lawrence could see the creature she carried on for nine months inside her womb. She got to see him once, right after his birth, but those were indeed his eyes. It was her son, yet Arthur didn't know she was his mother. He looked at her as if he wanted to know who she was, as if she was a mere stranger. Tears filled her eyes, stinging and making them burn. Her prayers, in the most painful way, were heard. Lawrence finally got to see her own son, even if her heart felt like someone was stomping on it more and more. Levi didn’t know what to do. Seeing Arthur staring at Lawrence filled him with a new kind of anxiety. He had never let Arthur know who she was. Arthur just saw a woman who was staring lovingly back at him, as if the woman was his real mother. Lawrence seemed so overwhelmed that Levi didn’t dare to speak or move. The kid would wonder why she wasn’t his mother, or why she wasn’t with them. Levi could see why Lawrence always kept her heart closed. Arthur was looking right at her with love in his eyes.

It felt like the cruellest joke one could ever imagine. Her own son was just feet away from her but she couldn't interact to him. Arthur was staring at Lawrence like a kid would with everyone, with innocence and joy in his eyes. How could she even walk away knowing her own son was right in front of her. With the corner of her eyes, Levi's reaction was crystal clear. She didn't want him to shout in front of Arthur just to send her away. Lawrence took a step back and opened the gates, yet her eyes never stopped looking at her child and tearing up. Arthur’s eyes widened when he noticed that Lawrence was slowly moving away. He didn’t want to see her leave. He couldn’t. Arthur didn’t understand what was going on in reality, but in his mind he felt like her mother was trying to run away from him. “Mommy?” By the time Arthur uttered that single word, using that soft baby voice, Lawrence swore her heart stopped. Everything that happened afterwards was unrolling in front of her eyes without her getting a grasp of it. She felt her knees so weak to the point she dropped on her knees, and with her upper body lowered a little, loud sobs echoed around Levi's garden. Was it fate to play tricks on her? How could Arthur, who never saw her growing up nor knew who Lawrence really was, call her as his mother? Even though more and more questions plagued her mind, it felt so empty in the meantime. She never recalled crying that hard before, maybe once. Her chest would hurt at each whimper and sniffle she made, not carrying about being heard anymore. Arthur’s eyes went wide in shock when he realized that his mother was crying. As if that wasn’t enough, Arthur was even more confused and sad when Lawrence seemed to want to leave. Arthur, who was just a kid, felt a deep sense of abandonment that only adults could truly understand. Arthur called out to Lawrence again. “Mommy, come back! Don’t leave me alone!” He cried and ran to her, his little arms up in the air, desperate to have her close to him. Levi was shocked at Arthur’s reaction towards Lawrence. The moment Lawrence embraced Arthur in her arms, the deep sense of sorrow she felt in the previous three years vanished for a moment. His tiny arms wrapped around her neck and she hugged her son tightly, crying over his little romper as she sat in the pebbled ground, caressing his soft hair in the meantime. What he said to her was enough to make her feel even worse, how could Arthur even think she was gonna leave him? Yet, that hug made her feel at ease. Lawrence didn't know what was making her cry anymore, but it didn't matter anymore. Someone up there took care of her pain. Arthur was crying so hard as he hugged Lawrence and yelled for her to not leave him. He was too young to understand what was happening, as all he felt right now was the love for his mother. “Don’t leave me! I love you!” He whined, trying to reach higher to hug her better. Levi couldn’t move a single inch. He was shocked at Arthur’s behavior and at his words. How coul Arthur feel such affection for her, if she didn't even know her? That, to him, was impossible and yet, there was evidence of it right in front of him. If Lawrence had to respond to that question, she would've asked herself the same thing. Lawrence couldn't understand how Arthur immediately knew she was his mother, they never met before that moment. She heard how mothers have that unbreakable bond with their biological kids to the point they would recognise each other everywhere. Was it the case?

“I'm never gonna leave you,” She whispered against Arthur's ear, giving her son soft kisses on his soaked, red cheeks as she spoke. “Mommy loves you.”

Arthur was crying even harder as Lawrence embraced him and told him she wouldn’t leave. It was a sweet moment even though it was too much of a coincidence. The boy held his mother tight as he cried all his tears out. It was probably the first time he cried with no shame, feeling loved and at peace in her warm embrace. After what felt like hours, Lawrence got up from the ground, while still holding Arthur, and moved towards the front door, where Levi was still standing against the doorframe. She felt so much relief, after battling with her mental health, to the point where her heart couldn't almost bear it. Her free hand reached for Levi's, placing it on Arthur's back, and gave him a faint smile, with her tear stained face and her red eyes. Then, she spoke up. Lawrence could never separate her son to Levi. He grew up with him, he cared about his wellbeing. The child was his. Those words felt so weird as they came out of her mouth, after what happened in the past years. But they came from a dark corner of her heart, too dark for her to understand it, or how her mind worked, and they felt right. Genuine. “He's your son, too.” Levi finally broke the silence when he heard what Lawrence had to say to him and saw her grabbing his hand. He felt like the world had stopped. “I thought…” He began to say, with tears in his eyes. It was true. Arthur was his son too, maybe not biological, but he had raised the kid with his own hands and he was part of him. “He’s my son?” Levi asked. It was hard for him to come to terms with it. Lawrence nodded and pushed away Levi's hand from her son's back, just to held it tightly as she let her own words sink deep into his mind. Even though that entire ordeal between them was more than horrible and it all started with Arthur being Hange's son, Levi made sure the child was loved and nurtured. He was indeed his father. He would've died for him. “He grew up with you, and you provided him everything he needed,” She said gently, intertwining her fingers with Levi's as she spoke up. “You're rightfully his father.” Lawrence’s words were like a revelation to Levi. Arthur was his kid. Even though he hadn’t created him directly himself, he loved him and cared for him as if Arthur was his own. And now his mother was saying that Arthur was his son too. Levi had never felt more emotional in his life than at that moment.

“He’s… my son.” Levi repeated with a soft smile, his mind racing with thoughts. He was a father, he had a kid. During the past weeks, however, Lawrence came up with another thought she let linger in her mind for days, but always pushed away at some point. Everything started because of Hange's infidelity, and even if she was indeed the side chick, Hange played both Lawrence and Levi. Why still being on a war for someone else's behaviour? “Hange cheated on you and didn't care about me, either,” She pointed out firmly, taking a breath and exhaling through her nose. “We both got wronged. Arthur is our son.” What Lawrence said made Levi think back to the reason why Arthur was born in the first place. She was right. It all began with Hange cheating on him and Lawrence getting mixed in that mess. Levi was still trying to process the revelation that Arthur was his son, and everything that happened until that moment. A smile appeared on his face as he heard Lawrence speaking the truth. Silence fell on the two of them, both Lawrence and Levi finally taking a grasp of what had been under their noses their entire time. There was no point in fighting anymore, and she was tired of it. All she wanted was to be Arthur's mother, and for some twisted reason, she was willing to get over what he had done to her. A shared look made the two of them realize how tiredsome it had been to keep up. It was time to give Arthur the mother he deserved and the father that kept him safe all those years. Their lips curled up a bit, sharing much more complicity they were expecting to feel. “Our son.”

[antheshewro]

Una mattina - Chapter 4.

It took a cup of tea and a stop on a local café to make Levi learn how Hange, his partner perhaps for life, hid something big from him. Something as big as another person, and a baby, involved. Perhaps going out that day had been a mistake.

♡ Very early update (compared to the previous ones), i was hoping to post this chapter last weekend but i'm moving out of my apartment so i don't know when I'll have a decent wifi again ;( this is why I'll finish to post the story today, divided in two chapters. Hope you're going to like it! ♡ NDA: when i wrote the last two parts i cried. tmi

Four months passed from that moment, and eventually, like clockwork, Lawrence's due date came. Until that moment, she kept living each day of her life as if it was the last. She only bothered to let Levi know when she was gonna get hospitalised and where, but asked the nurses to keep him out of the room as soon as her contractions began and was ready to give birth. It took ten hours of labour to deliver her baby, a beautiful boy. Her exhaustion made her sleep instantly, while the newborn got carried out of Lawrence's room by a nurse, in order to let her rest properly. Several hours later, while being in a slight slumber, she didn't move nor spoke. She knew the baby was most likely in Levi's arms, and he probably didn't even wait a second before taking the newborn from his crib. Even that one nurse, a young woman around her age, would give Lawrence a sympathetic smile, one that carrried sadness in it. But she felt felt defeated.

“It’s a boy.” Levi’s voice could be heard throughout the hospital, and the proud tone in it showed how happy he was about the gender of the child. Lawrence couldn’t do anything but lay back on her hospital bed. It felt a bit surreal, listening to Levi talking about her kid like that. She felt exhausted and didn’t feel like moving one bit, her back resting on the hard surface of the bed. She wasn’t even the one who held her own kid after it was born.

Lawrence knew that would be the last time she could even see her own son. Levi was about to take him to his own house and that would be it. She went through a whole pregnancy just to carry someone else's child. The mere thought made her sick to her stomach. Clutching the bedsheets and pulling them towards her face, her eyes closed and shredded a couple of tears. He had what he wanted, at the end of the day. Levi got the kid he pestered Lawrence about. Before Levi took the baby out of the room, he looked back at Lawrence for a good moment and his eyes lingered at Lawrence, at the tears running down her face. It didn’t stop him from smiling at her, though, or taking his son. It wasn't Lawrence’s child, after all. Levi’s face was filled with pride and joy, as if he was seeing the best baby in the whole world. “His name’s Arthur.”

Once the door of her hospital room got closed and Levi's footsteps were not audible anymore, Lawrence silently cried in her bed. Everything she prepared for the kid, from the nursery to his small drawer filled with clothes and his box with toys, they were useless. No child was gonna use them. When she went back to her house just a couple of days later, Lawrence wouldn't move from her own room. She would function just because of her usual routine: eating, sleeping, showering and going to work during the week, while the weekend she'd stay either in her bedroom or the small nursery. Not a day passed without her crying, as if she was mourning her child. Levi, on the other hand, was feeling like a proud father when he had Arthur in his arms. He took care of the baby, bought everything it would need to keep him alive in this world, and loved him in the way Hange would. He was happy, as he made sure to let it known that he was the father of this child. He’d tell everyone he knew and took Arthur to public places with him. Arthur, of course, would wear the clothes Levi bought him, spoiling the newborn with everything he could buy him. ______________________________________________________________ For the following three years after Arthur's birth, Lawrence had forcefully tried to get out of the void that trapped her in that state. She went to see a therapist, meds were helping her not to fall in a vicious cycle where her mind had its best on her. The first year was difficult. Each of little Arthur's birthdays were like a grieving day for her. She didn't know what her son looked like, what was his favourite dish, animal, colour. Arthur didn't know about her, and probably he would never know Lawrence was his mother. No med would help that pain to go away.

At four, Arthur looked like he was her twin, taking after his mother a lot. He had Lawrence’s eye shape and hair. Levi could even see it in the way Arthur’s mouth curved when he was happy, and it made his heart ache. Arthur wasn’t just Lawrence’s, he was her only legacy. The only thing she had left from Hange, and as much as it hurt for Levi to have him, Arthur deserved to see the world through happy eyes. Levi would be the one to give him all the love he needed.

There were times where Lawrence would sit alone in the nursery she made next to her own bedroom and look around, in complete silence. The crib, the wooden toys, the painted walls with sheeps and cats she draw herself during the first months of her pregnancy. That room was beginning to get dusty, the air stuffy. How could she go on, knowing her own son lived in her same town, yet he knew nothing about her? Even when she tried to go on and go out with a man, she felt pathetic, ridiculous. As if everything good she had was gonna be taken away from her once again.

Lawrence wasn’t the only one who felt that way. Levi felt bad for taking away her kid, for being happy with someone else’s child, for loving and caring about it as if it were his own. The guilt was eating away at him, even if he still tried to do the best he could to raise Arthur properly. But he didn’t know how many more times Lawrence would go through this.

What made her heart ache even more was seeing all the parents being happy with their kids, playing in the park. She would sit on a bench with a warm cup of coffee, right after her shift, just to take a moment for herself. Even though it was meant to be a quiet, relaxing break for her, that sight was even more painful. The moment her gaze was fixed onto the ground, looking at the leaves scattered around, a kid would approach her. Dirty blonde hair, green eyes. He couldn't be older than four, dressed up with a little blue romper and a white shirt. Lawrence's heart dropped at that sight, yet give the child a small smile in return. She would have to live as she always had, watching those happy moments from afar. The tears that were about to roll down her cheeks were held back as she looked away from the happy child in front of her. Her hand touched the child's soft cheeks and hair, widening her smile as much as she could even if tears spilled from her eyes. He was holding a stuffed animal, which soon learnt was a giraffe. The kid's curious eyes looked at Lawrence, as if they were trying to study her, and responded eventually with another smile. “What's your name, sweetheart?” She asked a few seconds later, blinking slowly and letting more tears fall from her eyelids to her skin, while she placed her coffee cup aside on the bench. ”My name is Samuel!” He said with a little shout. His voice was high and clear, yet still very soft. He was probably excited at having a new person to talk to. “What’s your name?” Samuel continued with a tilted head, having his stuffed giraffe in his other hand. He looked like a happy, little kid, filled with joy at having no problems in life at the moment.

Lawrence, after an immense amount of time, felt her heart bursting with unconditional love and joy. As much as it was painful for her, that simple interaction was enough to warm her heart in a way that felt totally unexpected. Giving Samuel another smile, she cupped the child's cheek and brushed her thumb on his skin. “My name is Lawrence,” She quietly replied, with a single nod, as to greet the little boy. Her hand, then, went to hold and shake the little boy's. “Nice to meet you.” Samuel immediately giggled when Lawrence took his hand, his whole body shaking a bit. He probably never met someone as soft as her before, and Lawrence looked like she could be his mother if only the world had been kinder to her. ”Nice to meet you, Lawrence!” The chil said enthusiastically, smiling bright as he talked with the woman. “Your name is very pretty!” He then told her, a bit of a dreamy gaze on his face while he told his thoughts out loud. Her heart, at that point, shattered in million little pieces. Samuel looked like the true definition of a carefree child. Lawrence took notice of every single detail, from the way the romper wrapped around Sam's tiny body, to his hands holding the stuffed giraffe, to his missing tooth on the front of his mouth. “You're very kind, Sam,” She said gently after a minute of silence, brushing a leaf that fell on the boy's head in the meantime. “Your mother is surely proud of you.”

Sam thought for a few seconds, his brow furrowing in concentration. He remembered having a mommy, he really did. Yet he couldn’t recall what or who she looked like. Sam didn’t understand it. “She is not proud of me…” Samuel answered sadly, a little frown forming on his face at the thought. Sam didn’t have a mother anymore that loved him and that made him feel really sad just a moment ago. Then, he smiled, looking at Lawrence and shrugging his shoulders. “But that’s okay!” Lawrence felt like she didn't have a heart anymore. If Sam didn't have a mother or she wasn't loving him as he deserved, it all felt like a cruel, inhuman joke. The little boy wasn't her child, yet she felt her motherly instincts kicking in. “You don't have a mother anymore?” She asked quietly, as if she didn't want to trigger any sort of reaction in Sam that could potentially make him feel bad. “Are you here with your dad?” Sam shook his head and placed his stuffed giraffe on his lap with a big smile on his face, as if trying to hide the sad truth of the situation. “I had a mommy,” He replied quietly. He then giggled softly and looked at Lawrence, tilting his little head once more. “And you have a baby?” Lawrence looked down at her stomach, as if she expected to find Arthur with her. She placed a hand over her abdomen. “No, Sam. I don’t.” She replied softly. Lawrence couldn't vent to a kid, of course. She couldn't explain why her child wasn't with her anymore, and that situation felt heavy. It didn't take long, however, to see a man calling Sam's name, quickly stepping towards the bench with a rather worried look on his face. Perhaps it was his dad, or a step father. Samuel looked at Lawrence with a concerned stare, sensing something was wrong with that nice woman he just met at the park. He looked curious about what she would say or do, as his head tilted once again and he raised his eyebrows with a question mark in his eyes. Sam’s dad came over to her, a quite handsome looking man who looked like he was in his late twenties. He looked as if he lived a good life, with a steady job that had allowed him to raise Sam in a good way. The boy looked at his dad, a bit embarrassed as he pointed towards Lawrence. “I made her sad, dad.” Upon hearing those words, she let out a light chuckle and shook her head, reaching for her purse to grab a tissue and wipe the tears and smudged makeup off her face. The idea of a kid she just met being so sensitive to other people's feelings was making her heart ache in a way that her chest hurt. “He did nothing wrong,” She reassured Sam's father with a polite nod of hers, wiping her nose as she spoke to the man. “Samuel is a lovely child.” Sam smiled when Lawrence complimented him then climbed on her lap, being a bit more affectionate with her as he placed his tiny hand on her chest. His dad looked at Lawrence and smiled. “My son is very sweet and considerate of others. He’s a joy to raise.” Then, he kneeled next to Lawrence, in order to look at her face. “Is everything alright?”

The little boy's embrace felt so good yet painful. It was the hundredth reminder of how she was never going to experience anything like that, at least when it came to her own child. Even a simple question about how she was doing made her feel loved. Nobody else cared about asking such thing to her anymore. “More or less,” She replied to the man with a soft whisper, nodding and wiping some more tears from her rosey cheeks. “It'll pass, don't worry.”

Samuel placed a small kiss on Lawrence’s cheek, making her heart ache once more. He didn’t even notice, though, since he was too busy trying to play with his stuffed giraffe to notice what went on with her. Sam’s dad was more perceptive than his son, as he was already looking between the boy and Lawrence. He knew she was acting strange to say the least. “Are you sure?” He asked her quietly. As much as she was very reserved and cared about not saying her business to the first person she'd meet on the street, just like it happened with the man crouching in front of her on the bench, Lawrence needed to let it all out. Not even waiting for her therapy appointment whatsoever. Her lips quivered at the thought of having to explain what happened to her, yet she did. Lawrence told Sam's father about her own son, how Levi took it from her, keeping it simple. Her hand would clutch the tissue every now and then, feeling the same pain she experienced when she gave birth and Levi took her child from her.

Despite being a stranger to that entire situation, Samuel's father was shocked. He couldn’t even believe that such a thing had happened. Lawrence was supposed to be a happy mother who got to see her first child learn to talk, walk, etc. She was supposed to be with her own son, not having to mourn him. He gently pulled Lawrence in a hug, not saying a word, since there was nothing to say. Sam could sense everything happening and was worried about Lawrence. He gently laid his head on Lawrence’s shoulder, cuddling her and letting her know he was there for her. For the first time in three years, Lawrence felt understood. She felt loved, in a way, even more than Hange had loved her before passing and through their secret relationships. Even more than her friends and colleagues would do. Whoever that man was, he took his time to listen to her burdens and didn't judge her, nor made her feel like a scapegoat. It felt like the floodgates opened once she hugged that man, burying her head on his shoulder, soaking his soft green sweater with her tears. Lawrence would never be a mother for Arthur. That was her grim truth.

Sam’s father was kind and patient with her, knowing she needed it. Being the father of a young kid, he must have been used to things like these, and he didn’t mind helping Lawrence through it. Samuel, meanwhile, kept being affectionate towards her. His tiny hand gently pat on her head, comforting his new 'friend' in a way no one else would. He knew she was in pain, even if he didn’t understand why she was feeling this way. The moment she pulled away from the hug, Lawrence would excuse herself for that little breakdown she had and caress Sam's hair, as to thank him for his support. His dad was indeed an awesome man, and by the way he carried himself he must've been a doctor, or a lawyer perhaps. His kindness was the thing that struck her. A type of kindness she never expected from a man.

“You two make a wonderful father-son pair.” Lawrence said after a short while, drying her cheeks with a clean tissue and offering the other two a rather warm smile. Samuel, like his father, enjoyed a bit of banter with Lawrence. Even if he was only four, he had a way of putting things and talking to Lawrence that made her think he was much more mature. He smiled back at Lawrence, gently taking his son’s hand and looking at him. “Sam is my treasure.” Then, he looked back at Lawrence and stood up, offering her a hand to help her up as well. After she took the offered hand, he continued. “I’m Michael, Michael Watson.” Lawrence gladly accepted the gesture and held Michael's hand, feeling how firm yet gentle his grip was. He was taller than her, a well built man. Sam was his carbon copy of his own father, to say the least: they both shared the same eyes and nose. “Lawrence Rose Mary.” Michael’s blue eyes had a curious look, studying Lawrence even as she held his hand, and his gaze would be slightly drawn towards the stuffed giraffe that Sam was still holding in his right hand. “Samuel and I have to get going now, Lawrence.” He told her, smiling at her and tilting his head. “Thank you for being nice to me.” The little boy gently said, giving her one last kiss on the cheek as well, making her break once more.

Once she greeted the two of them, Lawrence grabbed her coffee cup, now cold, and marched towards her own house. That entire moment was one she know it would be keeping up her at least that same night, but it was needed to let her know there's not only despair and grieving around her. There's love, compassion even.

[antheshewro]

Good evening or morning or afternoon, depending on where you live! I decided to open the q&a box on this blog, hoping it's going to work! If you have any questions to ask me I'll gladly respond 🩷

Also don't be shy to comment on my ff and give me feedback! I'd like to hear from all of you about what you expect from the story or what'll happen ^__^

If you're a reader, a casual or regular one, thank you so so much!! It means a lot; as I already said, it's my first ff in English, which I'll try to update as much as possible since I already finished it on my pc 🩷

Xoxoxoxoxo

[antheshewro]

Una mattina - Chapter 3.

It took a cup of tea and a stop on a local café to make Levi learn how Hange, his partner perhaps for life, hid something big from him. Something as big as another person, and a baby, involved. Perhaps going out that day had been a mistake.

✩✩ There I am again!! sorry for the late update but life is a thing and shit happens i guess... i have the entire story ready so lmk if you want another chapter this week! xoxo ✩✩ PS: thanks so much to everyone who read it, liked it and even sent me a message, it means a lot especially bc english is not my first language and it's the first ff i post!! y'all are amazing ♡

Lawrence didn't respond, nor looked at him. She knew, from the very beginning of their conversation about Hange and the minute they met in that café, probably. She still couldn't blame him, but his words were cutting deep. She was the one to carry on with a pregnancy alone. Not Levi.

Several minutes passed, and with them, the nightly sky took the place of the sunset. The living area was dark, no lights on to illuminate the place. Lawrence hoped Levi would leave her alone, once for all. He was still sitting on the sofa, not moving or budging. But Levi didn’t need lights to see. He always moved around in darkness. His eye adjusted itself with relative ease.

Lawrence’s words still rang in his ears. She was carrying the baby of the woman he loved. Her choice over him. Why her? Why not him? He still felt anger coursing through his veins. So much so that he decided to take a step closer. He stood up and moved towards Lawrence. He wanted to leave, to be left alone, to not hear her voice. But he couldn’t just leave like that.

Lawrence, however, didn't move. Her grip around her legs tightened, and just for a moment, she could feel the baby giving her a subtle kick. It wasn't the first time she'd catch it, yet she didn't feel the same happiness she shared during the very first time it happened. Now her pregnancy felt like a weight on her shoulders. Her eyes closed just for a second, and let a quiet breath out of her lips. The living room was completely dark now, the moonlight being the only source of light from outside. The entire house was so silent, it felt like it was empty.

Levi leaned down in front of Lawrence, taking one of her hands in his. He wanted to see if he could feel the baby kicking as well. His eyes stared straight at her, a silent look telling her that he’d been hurt by this. Even if the baby wasn’t his, he felt like it should’ve been and couldn’t help but think about what his and Hange’s child would’ve turned out to be like.

He still felt hurt, angry.

“I hate you.” He said again. “I hate you.”

Lawrence felt her hand being lifted up, yet she didn't bother to look up at his face, nor she acknowledged his proximity, even if she could feel and hear his breath being very close to her. Her gaze was still looking at the starry night through the window. It made her feel like she was just existing in that chair. The burden of having someone dear to her passing away, carrying their legacy along with her, yet enduring such treatment. Levi's words were like dust in the wind for Lawrence.

“It should’ve been me.” Levi said, loud enough for Lawrence to hear. A small hint of desperation in his voice that seemed to catch his own attention, before it all turned back into his regular and plain tone. “But no, it had to be you, right? The woman she chose,” He spat out suddenly. “And why couldn’t it have been me?” He growled the last question.

Lawrence, at that point, snapped her head back towards Levi and yanked her hand away from his grip. As if something switched inside of her mind, she got up and took a step towards him, with a scowl appearing in her face. “All she talked about was you. Levi here, Levi there,” She hissed, raising her voice as she continued speaking. “And I was the woman who got to be the side chick while she never mentioned me to any of her friends. Not even you.”

Her index finger pointed at herself, pressing on her chest as she spoke. Lawrence's voice was close to a yell. “There was no space for me, ever. Only you.”

Levi took a step back from her with wide eyes, a bit surprised with her sudden change in tone. He felt his anger building up inside of him again, although he quickly regained his composure to hear Lawrence out, and once he did, he stayed quiet, thinking about what she had to say and her words hurt him more than he could’ve ever imagined.

“So you blame me for it?” Levi whispered softly, as if he felt ashamed of himself for letting this happen to Lawrence. As though it was his fault. “Is that it?”

Lawrence looked up and down at him as he spoke, shaking her head just so slightly before she took a small step back, staring at him with the same scowl she had before and a stern gaze in her eyes. Her hands were clutching the fabric of her dress, before one of them got lifted up and pointed at the door.

“Leave.” She said simply, without giving any further explanation to that simple word. Her heart felt like it was ready to jump out of her chest in a matter of seconds. “I'm done with your behaviour.”

“You’re asking me to leave?” Levi asked calmly, his eyes watching Lawrence carefully. He couldn’t help but chuckle softly as he saw her pointing towards the door. “Now you want me to leave?”

He took a small step towards Lawrence as his gaze remained fixed on her face. “After you dragged me into this mess, told me about the child you and Hange were expecting, and blamed me for everything afterwards?” He paused, then took another step towards her. “After you were the one who let me stay in this house?”

Lawrence took a step closer to Levi, their proximity making their foreheads almost touching in he process. Both their warm breaths kept hitting on each other's faces, making their skin a little red because of it. Her arm lowered and went back to the side of her body, looking into his eye with the same insistence he had in his gaze.

“I don't blame you,” She whispered, her hand still clutching the soft fabric of her lounge dress, fidgeting with it. “The baby was unplanned. And I told you Hange never knew about it because I found out after she died.”

Leaning in close towards Lawrence, that look in her eyes made his heart skip more than a beat. He couldn’t take his eyes away from her, even if he knew this was most likely a bad decision. Before she could say anything else, Levi placed his hand softly on her bare thigh and stepped closer still, his head getting as close to her belly as he could.

“Let me hear the heartbeat.” He said softly and with a look in in his eyes that nobody other than Hange had ever seen. Lawrence grabbed Levi's hand and placed it on top of her swollen stomach, while her free hand gently pressed on one side of her belly, as to make the baby move. It didn't take long before it moved, and after a couple of minutes it kicked right next to Levi's hand.

“I told you about the baby because you deserved to know,” She quietly said, feeling the baby going on with its subtle kicks inside of her womb. “I was just a fling who got pregnant. You were always Hange's first choice.”

Levi’s eyes widened at the sudden baby movement inside of Lawrence’s womb, a smile creeping onto his face at the soft kick he could feel. A kick from the child he would’ve had with Hange. He pressed his cheek and his ear against Lawrence’s belly, wanting to feel the moment too. His eyes were closed tight, though, as if it were some kind of dream.

“Let me hear it again.” He whispered gently, looking back at Lawrence.

Lawrence gently caressed her belly once again, massaging it in certain spots where she knew the baby would feel it the most. Like clockwork, it began to kick again and move around her womb, as to tell the two of them it was awake.

Even though Levi's reaction was nothing but pure happiness, her own words made her heart heavy. Lawrence was just a side woman for Hange, that unborn baby was just her offsprings. She was never important in the first place.

Levi smiled as soon as the kicks came again and placed his hand, his palm flat on Lawrence’s belly, where he could feel the baby moving around. He then looked right into Lawrence’s eyes.

“I should’ve been here with Hange,” He said with a sigh, as if he wanted to be upset that Lawrence had stolen his moment with Hange. “Not you.” But he wasn’t upset, even if he told himself that he was. His other hand was placed at her waist, pulling Lawrence close to him.

Levi probably didn't realise how his words kept hitting Lawrence as a knife stabbing her repeatedly, yet he continued to reiterate the same thought over and over again.

Lawrence felt her heart aching as time passed, which made the baby move a bit more. As if it knew his own mother was feeling sad. Her lips pursed, one hand gently caressing her swollen stomach as she looked down at it. The more she felt uneasy, the more the baby would kick Lawrence. A small gesture that made her feel less alone. Levi saw how his words affected Lawrence and wanted to keep going. He wanted to see her feeling terrible like that again and again.

“It shouldn’t be you.” He whispered at her, his body now touching Lawrence’s in more places than before. He felt her breathing in his ear and was breathing out softly himself, feeling her warm breath hit his neck.

“You were a one night thing.”

Lawrence's free hand went back to clutch her dress so tightly, her knuckles became white. She wouldn't have been upset on a regulae day but Levi's words, combined with her hormones, gave her a feeling she experienced a very few times in her life.

Her lips began to tremble and quickly pushed Levi's hand away from her body. Lawrence walked towards the stairs of her house, sitting down on the last step, breathing in and out as she covered her mouth in the process. A faint gulping sound escaped her throat, trying to calm herself down.

Levi watched as Lawrence walked away, her shoulders shaking slightly, as if she was going to cry or break down. He looked away for a few seconds and took a deep breath. He then followed her down the stairs and sat down close to her, his breath hitting her neck and cheek as he spoke.

“Why should you get to be a mother and I’m not?” He whispered harshly, looking right into her eyes. “Why should you get to love someone when I couldn’t?”

Lawrence could feel hot tears spilling from her eyes, running down her face and cheeks. The baby kept kicking and she had to caress her belly to make it calm down, breathing in and out to relax herself. Levi's proximity to her body was making it almost impossible. His words, however, made her furrow her brows.

“You wanted to bear a child?” She repeated his own words, as if she was trying to make some sort of sense out of it. “Then get a womb and a vagina.”

Levi took the arm that caressing her stomach and leaned it to her side. It could’ve been his arm caressing her womb, feeling her kicking baby inside. “I wanted to be with Hange,” He whispered softly, his warm breath hitting her face. “Have something between me and Hange made. A family.”

Silence engulfed the already silent house before Levi spoke again.

“We were meant to spend the rest of our lives together.”

And he wanted no one else to be there but him, no one else in Hange’s life but himself.

Lawrence got up again, and abruptly walked down the stairs, leaning on the iron railing as she tried to calm herself down in the process. All the kicking was making her nauseous, but never as much as Levi's behaviour. Yet, she still couldn't get properly mad since stress was gonna affect her pregnancy.

“I'm gonna have this baby and you're gonna keep it,” She spat out at some point, turning her face and glancing up where Levi still sat. “And you'll have your son or daughter.”

He sighed and walked back up the stairs, his eyes on Lawrence as he walked up to her and grabbed her arm. His face was stern as he leaned her against the wall, looking her right in the eyes and forcing her to listen to what he had to say. “But you won’t be the mother.”

He went on harshly, his hand now holding Lawrence’s stomach as the kicks from the baby could be felt again. “I will be. You’re just the woman that Hange chose to get knocked up.”

Lawrence nodded and wiped her tears, with a loud exhale, sniffling up a little as she moved towards the front door and opened it fully, standing on its side as she looked right into Levi's eye with a stern, yet hurt glance.

“Now leave,” She repeated what she previously said, although her tone had a more warning note on it. “I need to rest.”

Levi stared Lawrence down for a few seconds, as if he was expecting her to change her mind in the last second. But when no more words came out her mouth or when her expression remained the same, he had nothing else to say. He wanted to be the one telling Lawrence to leave, but his silence was just that.

He watched as she opened the front door and took her place beside it. Levi then took a few steps backwards, staring at her before walking out of the house, his words and tone stern.

“I will still be the one raising the baby.”