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[antizar]

“love was an action, an instinct, a response roused by unplanned moments and small gestures, an inconvenience in someone else’s favor.”

Michelle Zauner, Crying in H Mart

3.5.2020

[antizar]

Mental Health

Be kinder to yourself

Help me! I’m drowning! I am stuck in this sea of fear, doubts, sorrow and pain and I couldn’t move. No one’s listening. No one’s trying to save me. I should stop fighting. Shouldn’t I?

I closed my eyes. I think I’m dreaming. It was quite blurry. I saw a little girl. A funny and playful girl. Oh no! She tripped then she cried. After a while, she get back on her feet and smile. Then she played again. How funny it is. She said to herself, “It’s okay, Iriz. You did a great job. You’re so brave.”

Then I realized, “I was that little girl. I used to be kind to myself.”

I opened my eyes and told myself, “Keep swimming. Keep breathing. Be kinder to yourself.”

[antizar]

Some people are meant to be just friends but some people are not even meant to be friends.

Why is that?

6.7.21 0:41

[antizar]

“Trauma messes everybody up but maybe that’s the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up.”

4.17.2021 17:16

[antizar]

“If love is enough, I’d stay with you.”

5.3.2021 2:44

[antizar]

I want to be part of something bigger. I want to be braver to try new things and to be better. I want to rediscover myself. I want to love myself deeper as much as I love you.

So help me God.

Goodnight.

4.2.2021 1:25 AM

[antizar]

Don’t wait until it’s too late to say, “I’m sorry.”

3.10.2021 00:17

[antizar]

Ako’y hindi makatulog kahit ilang beses pang magpaikot-ikot sa aking higaan. Ang dami ng kantang sinabayan pero bakit hindi pa rin dinadalaw ng kaantukan?

Kinausap ko na din si Lord pero parang hindi nabawasan ang kalungkutan. Nalulunod na naman sa sariling mga luha na hindi na nakikita ninoman. Nalulunod na naman sa mga tanong na hindi alam ang mga kasagutan. Nalulunod na naman sa pakiramdam na para bang buong araw na umuulan. Nalulunod na ako.

Ipikit na ang mga mata kasabay ng paghinga nang malalim. Sana’y kasabay nito ang pagpatawad sa sarili na matagal mo nang ipinagkakait.

Matulog ka na. Matindi pa ang digmaan bukas.

2.28.21 23:06

[antizar]

Bus

Ako'y patungo sa lupang sinilang

Ang matalik kong kaibigan

Dali daling sumakay sa bus na halos lahat ay nag aagawan

Sa wakas, makakaalis din sa abangan

Dahil nakakapagod ding maghintay

"Opo, nakakapagod na" ang text ko kay Itay

Dumiretso ka sa dulo, ika nya

Ako'y nag aalangang umupo

Dahil baka ako ay mahilo

Pero sinunod pa din ang gusto nya

Mahaba ang kalsadang EDSA

Iba't iba ang paroroonan ng bawat isa

Mangangalay ka sa pagtayo, maiinitan,

Magugutom at minsan ika'y masasaktan

Masasaktan ka saan?

Sa aleng umapak ng paa mo

Sa manong na nakasagi ng suso

Sa pangangalay kakatayo

Sa paghihintay sayo.

Oo, sayo!

Sa paghihintay ng chat mo

Wag mo namang laging iseen

Pahingi nga po ng itlog at asin

Gusto ko nang pumara, Kuya!

Dahil ako ang kasama nya

Pero ang nasa isip ay iba

Magkaibigan nga lang ba talaga?

At hanggang dito na lang muna?

Nahihilo na ako, gusto ko nang masuka

At heto ikaw inalay ang iyong bisig

Sa mga kilos mong ganyan ako'y umibig

Ngunit tinanggal ko din agad, tama na

Baka lalo pang humopia na maging isa

Mag dadalwang oras nang nakaupo

Ngunit tila'y di ka nauubusan ng kwento

Wag daw mag assume, upang di masaktan

Nakipag debate sayo nang walang katapusan

Walang gustong magpatalo

Wala din namang nanalo

Pero sa pag ibig, handa na ko

Handa nang sumuko at pumara

Pumara kung san ika'y magiging masaya

Manong, bababa na po ako

Sa kanya'y, handa nang lumayo

Na nagbibigay liwanag sa gabi

Baon ko sayo'y ngiti sa aking labi

Para po.

2.27.2017

[antizar]

Kavinsky: There is nothing worse than not feeling chosen.

Covey: I choose you, Peter Kavinsky.

Kavinsky: I choose you too.

Hug your love tightly but not too tight so you both could grow. Be a person who will stay by her/his side no matter what.

For guys out there who still waiting for your Kavinsky or Covey, keep holding on. You have so much things to do. You have the whole world you could explore to. You don’t need another person to be your blanket in this cold and lonely world, rather, be the fire to lighten up your dying soul. You need to trust yourself that you could be whoever you choose to be.

P.S. Wishing you to be happy.

Goodnight.

2.13.21 22:34

[antizar]

“I can’t see anything.”

Akala ko tapos nang lumuha ang mga matang puno ng paghihikbi. Ngunit, hindi pa pala nang binigkas na nya ang apat na salita. Apat na salita lamang ang magbubura sa lahat nang nagawa.

Bakit hindi mo makita? Bakit hindi mo pinilit man lang tingnan ang mga ideyang kami naman ang lumikha? Bakit hindi mo pinilit maramdaman na pagod na pagod na ang mga katawan at isipan para lamang ika’y mapasaya. Bakit? Bakit wala kang ginawa upang masilayan ang mga obrang kami naman ang nagpinta? Bakit? Kasi pikit mata mong sinabi ang apat na salita na ngayo’y dahilan sa pagkalunod sa mga luha.

Dahil sa apat na salita.

2.4.2021 1:58

Tahan na.

[antizar]

I became unbearably sad. So desperate to feel better but this pain demands to be felt, I think.

:(

1.30.21 21:24

[antizar]

“There’s a fine line between being strong-willed and selfish.”

1.29.2021 23:04

[antizar]

“Relationships are like multiplication of fraction.”

1/2 * 1/2 = 1/4

1 * 1 = 1

[antizar]

I’m rooting for you Eloise!

We don’t have to be perfect rather we could be competent and wise we wish to be. We are not living in 1813 so we can be whatever we want to be.

Reaching the dreams are for those who took the courage and bravery to withstand the hurdles along the way.

I wish I am brave enough, your grace.

01.18.21

[antizar]

It takes courage to live outside the traditional expectations of society.

1.17.21 18:05

[antizar]

“He was coming to realize that he needed to hold on to something in life, and maybe she was right—maybe anger wasn't the solution. Maybe—just maybe he could learn to hold on to love instead.”

Excerpt From

The Duke and I

Julia Quinn

1.16.21