anxi0usturtl3

[anxi0usturtl3]

I am my father’s daughter.

Except… I’m not.

I’m not cruel.

I’m not reactionary.

I’m not unfair. Or unwilling.

I’m not scary. I’m not angry.

I’m not the werewolf in my dreams. The one that lurks, and preys, and waits until I let my guard down to eat away at me.

I don’t demand people’s fear because I’m too afraid I won’t earn their respect.

I have empathy. I have emotional intelligence.

I’m not my father’s daughter.

No. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

Except…I think that maybe I am.

I think about that time when I made a girl cry in middle school because she made me feel small.

Or the time I called my landlord a cunt because she made me feel weak.

How many times have I taken someone’s power

to stop feeling powerless?

I think I am my father’s daughter.

I think he’s in every part of myself that I hate.

I think that maybe he was his father’s son.

I think he’s tried and failed to cope with his monster.

I think I’m destined to repeat the cycle.

But fuck destiny. I’ll create my own.

I’ll scratch and claw away at the monster he's made me until it learns to fear me.

I’ll eat that monster down to its bones.

I’ll swallow it whole.

I am my father’s daughter.

But I’m trying not to be.

[anxi0usturtl3]

looking up anxiety disorders again uh oh

[anxi0usturtl3]

I want to crawl out of my skin

tear it into pieces

scream until I finally break

I want to swap faces

change everything

and never look back

nausea keeps me here

spiders crawling in my stomach

and out of my mouth

blocking every word

the never ending pounding of my heart

the human flesh I desperately cling to

keeps me in place

keeps this body alive

that should’ve been buried long ago

I want to crack my skull

tear at my skin 

until nothing’s left

I want to kill it

this thing people see

when they think of me

[anxi0usturtl3]

When you start S/H at a young age and so now you have a habit of looking at people's arms, legs, or thighs to see if they did/do it too<<<<<<

[anxi0usturtl3]

tumblr is like a pseudo afterlife because everyone on here was supposed to kill themselves a long time ago

[anxi0usturtl3]

goddamn I shouldn't be sad about not getting a happy birthday from her but it fucking hurts man

[anxi0usturtl3]

The thing about PMDD that makes it so much worse then having just general depression or anxiety is how invalidating it feels.

Knowing that a sudden onslaught of negative thoughts or paranoid feelings is only occurring because of your period makes it really hard to be understanding or to reframe the thinking. A typical way of dealing with depression or anxiety is finding the root of the problem and reworking how one thinks but when those feelings are just something your body goes through because of hormones and there genuinely is no cause what are you meant to do then?

Plus, how do you even begin to explain that feeling to other people? If you admit how your feeling it’s not like anyone can actually help you, they can make things a little easier maybe but the feelings are always going to return every single month and there is absolutely no way to explain why you feel off unless you’re willing to tell someone it’s your period, and even then saying “my period is messing me up” isn’t going to actually get you sympathy or help. Other people who menstruate may say “oh I get that!” And joke a bit about how much it sucks but they don’t actually get how awful it is when you have PMDD, it’s not the same as a normal period. Most people don’t suddenly fall into a severe depression once a month because of their fucking period.

My point, I guess, is that having PMDD is both invalidating and isolating. It’s the sort of thing that can make you feel really hopeless sometimes because it’s never going to go away, you’re only option is to try and lessen it and push through it.

[anxi0usturtl3]

can’t emphasize enough how when you grew up in a toxic environment, being in the room with someone who’s angry or frustrated - even if it has nothing to do with you - is absolutely terrifying cuz you’ve been 1000% conditioned to assume frustration = all hell is going to break lose and be aimed directly at you

[anxi0usturtl3]

the terrible beauty

of words unspoken

and things left unsaid

leaves you devastated

no more laughing

no more jokes

no more crying

no deep conversations

not anymore.

never again.

things you'll never know

lost chances

no proper goodbye

why?

6 years of torture

got slightly better

did it mean nothing to you?

did we mess up?

why didn't you say anything?

if anything

I'm sorry

although I don't exactly know why

and the words seem meaningless

but our friendship had meaning to me

was I a fool?

you gave me hope

I fucking trusted you

and I'll never admit that again

I should have known

are we just boring to you?

did you care?

because I did

I cared

so so much

I meant what I said

but maybe I was just blind

how did we get here?

is this really the end?

full of regrets?

I hope you're good

guess I'll never know

[anxi0usturtl3]

I WAS A FUCKING CHILD

[anxi0usturtl3]

Anyways you're probably just going on with your life like nothing happened and that's the worst part like hell we were so blind

[anxi0usturtl3]

Where did it go wrong whywhyWHY didn't you say anything

[anxi0usturtl3]

IM TELLING YOU MAKING ME CRY IS A HUGE ACHIEVEMENT THANK YOU VERY MUCH YOU BITCH

[anxi0usturtl3]

IT HURTS IT FUCKING HURTS THIS IS WHY I'M ALWAYS DISTANT

YOU SHOULDNT GET CLOSE TO PEOPLE

[anxi0usturtl3]

WHY

[anxi0usturtl3]

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

[anxi0usturtl3]

STOP SOMEBODY RUN ME OVER WITH A CAR PLEASE IM BEGGING