anxious-cactusflower

[anxious-cactusflower]

on my birthday, i had the worst anxiety attack i've ever had. i felt like my whole world was falling and i couldn't do anything to stop it. i was terrified to ask for help. but after forty-five minutes of non-stop crying and shaking, i knew i couldn't do it alone. i messaged a friend and told him everything. i've only known him for a year, and i poured my entire life story to him. about my mom abandoning us, my stepmom treating me like shit, my dad constantly making comments about going to the gym, how my siblings don't take much interest to me, my best chooses another girl over me constantly. it didn't help when my family didn't seem happy i was home yesterday, after i had been gone for a week. i feel like i do not matter and like my existence is just a place holder. i don't feel important. alienated. outcasted. failure. annoying. depressing. disappointing. i don't know how to talk to somebody because i get brushed off. the friend i told everything to is the first and only person who hasn't brushed me off or abandoned me. i don't know what to do or how to keep living. i feel like everything i do or say is wrong. when i reach out people call me over dramatic or attention seeking. i don't know how to escape this nightmare.

[anxious-cactusflower]

i wish i mattered. you don't care about me or my well-being or any of my property. for instance, sometimes i go to bed early because i don't feel well. everybody can be as loud as they fucking want and it doesn't matter. and i sing in the shower, not very loudly at all, and you're all over my case for it because your kids are sleeping ? damn you make me hate myself and you make me so damn insecure. it really isn't funny and i don't understand why you cant see that. it's also amazing how i cry myself to sleep so many times and i attempt to talk to you about my insecurities and you tell me that it's my fucking hormones? what the fuck. you can do anything and everything for them but when it comes to me, it just doesn't matter. and my sisters doubt matter to you either. you're even taking advantage of one kg them for the benefits of your own kids. i don't see why you would do that. i cant even talk to anyone because i'm terrifies that they are going to be just like you and brush me off. i don't know what i did wrong or why i seem to be the Antichrist to you. you just inspire me to not come home from college, unless you aren't here. you also constantly wonder why i don't call you mom. it's because you make me feel alienated that isn't a mom. at this point, the biological mother i had is better than someone pretending to care or pretending that i matter. if you don't fucking want me here, fucking tell me. I'll leave before you come home and all you will have to do is throw away the fucking bag.

[anxious-cactusflower]

[anxious-cactusflower]

if i do not matter, don't treat me like i do. don't keep trying pretend like i am important to you. you're just like everybody else. a liar. and don't pull the emotional "i feel like i take more care of you than she does." because honestly, you don't. you hardly ever cook for me and my siblings. but you jump at every chance for your kids. you go out of your way to do shit for them. why not us? you add to the self-hatred that i hide from everybody. you aren't being any better than my actual mother was. sometimes you make me want to die. or make me wish i didn't live here. i am tired of playing games and trying to make you happy. one of these days, somebody is going to find my dead body, and your name will be one of the first on the note.

[anxious-cactusflower]

i'm drowning in a sea filled with hate and these hateful words are filling my lungs and my thoughts. i can't hear anything but disappointment.

[anxious-cactusflower]

today i almost did it. why i didnt, im not sure.

[anxious-cactusflower]

petition to rename the usa ‘south canada’

[anxious-cactusflower]

I'm in love with a boy, whose three years older than me, and when we talked about what he wanted a girl to be physically, he said "short with dark hair". I'm short with dark hair, but he wasn't talking about me. *sigh*

[anxious-cactusflower]

i liked a person once. they couldn't even tell me how much they didn't like me. a friend had to. stop being such a fucking pussy and tell a person.

[anxious-cactusflower]

it's sad how this is used, and nobody ever cares to look into why.

[anxious-cactusflower]

i don't want to be me at all

I don’t want to be me anymore.

[anxious-cactusflower]

if you havent noticed

the scars on my body, my fake smile, the forced laugh, my tiredness, how i dont enjoy anything anymore, the fact that i dont eat, or that i want to die,

then dont stand at my grave side crying. you cant cry over someone you dont know. you dont get that privilege.

[anxious-cactusflower]

maybe, this is why you left.

[anxious-cactusflower]

My christmas hymn lmao

[anxious-cactusflower]

I cannot stress how true this is.

[anxious-cactusflower]

[anxious-cactusflower]