fuckkkinghelll

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this is how i wanna be

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Reblog if you started worrying about your weight before you were fourteen.

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I am at the highest weight I have EVER been at and I have never hated myself more :)

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Recovery is like cleaning out a house that’s been through a hurricane.  There’s mud a foot thick on the floors; some of the windows are cracked; there’s leaves stuck in cracks you didn’t know existed.

So unlike in the movies, there are no “breakthrough moments”, where you suddenly realize one thing and the whole house is clean.  Oh there may be important turning points – moments when you realize that those aren’t frosted windows, that’s dirt, and you need to clean it off, and that’s why it’s so fugging dark in here.  And that is an important breakthrough, in the sense that without it you would not succeed in cleaning the house, but then you still have to clean the windows.

Therapy is just someone who’s had experience with post-hurricane cleanup, Consulting over the phone, recommending tools and giving you advice. “Start with the floor,” they say, when you’re too overwhelmed to even begin, and they tell you what shovel to buy.  So you start shoveling, and it’s HARD, and you’re exhausted all the time, and you’ve only shoveled out the front hallway, and it feels like it’s never going to really get better.

But you do get good at shoveling, and slowly you build up your strength, and after a few months you can shovel as much as you need to, but there’s still a LOT of mud here, so it takes a year to get that shoveled out, and your house is still muddy and the windows are cracked (and frosted), and there’s still debris everywhere, and every time you walk around you’re stepping an a quarter-inch of mud, but you CAN walk around, you can get anywhere you need to go, and the house is still a fucking mess, you’re a fucking mess, a disaster not fit for human habitation, but on the other hand you can no longer convince yourself that “nothing’s ever going to work”.  It can get better.  You can point at things that used to be super-fucked-up and now are only moderately-fucked-up.  Progress is possible.

But then again, you’re not making any progress anymore. You thought you had the hang of it, but now the shovel isn’t working, and every time you shovel mud out of one place it slides into another and you’re not making any headway and you can barely pick up any mud with your shovel anyway and so maybe that was it – you had a nice run, but this is as good as it’s ever gonna get, you’re still gonna be fucked up forever, and you finally bring it up to your therapist, and they nod, and tell you to buy a hose.

So now you’re hosing down the floors, and that’s a new skill set to learn, and it splashes everywhere, and now you’ve got mud on your walls, but it does get the floor clear.  But you hosed out the front hallway, and then realized that to clear out the living room you’re gonna have to hose it out into the front hallway, which means the hallway’s just gonna get messy again, so then you have to redo the front hallway, but you start planning out which rooms to do in which order, so it goes pretty smoothly after that, until the day when you’ve got all the big mud puddles gone, but there’s still mud on the walls, and stuck in corners, and no matter how hard you spray you still end up with this thin coating of mud-dirt-dust on the floor after it dries, and honestly you’re making more of a mess than you are cleaning up a mess at this point. And you express your frustration, and the therapist tells you where to find, and how to use, a mop.

So you mop all the floors, and it’s actually looking pretty good, and you remembered to start mopping from the inside out, so that’s not a big deal, until you open a door and realize you forgot to shovel out the pantry. You didn’t think it could get into the pantry, with the door shut, but there it is, mud 3 inches thick, and the only way to get it out is to shovel it, and you’ll have to take it through the kitchen, so you have to shovel out the pantry, and then hose down the pantry, and then re-hose the kitchen, and then mop the pantry, and then re-mop the kitchen, and EUUURGHHHJHH.

But you’re really good at it, at this point, so it’s not like it’s a big deal.  It’s irritating af, and you’re sick to death of doing this, but it’s not scary, or overwhelming, or horrifying.  It’s just really, really annoying.

And the fact is, you will never be done cleaning.  Even if there’s never another hurricane, there’s dishes, and dust settling on counters, and spills, and mud tracked in after snowstorms, and laundry.  There’s not some magical moment when you’re “done”, and you can stop working forever (except possibly, depending on who’s right about the afterlife, after you die).  But you do reach a point where you it transitions from “impossible” to “meh, just a thing”

You do reach a point where you look around, and you’re kinda proud of what you’ve done You do reach a point where you recognize that your current tools aren’t doing the job you need, and you research and find and learn how to use a tool all on your own. You do reach a point where, when you see a storm coming, you know how to prepare for it, and you purchase and lay out all the supplies you need, and when the storm finishes, you can get your house back up and ready in practically no time at all. You do reach a point where storms aren’t so scary, because you know how to weather them and you know for a fact that you can recover from them. You do reach a point where friends ask you for tips on how to clean their houses You do reach a point where, every time you need a tool, it’s one you already posses. You do reach a point where you’ve replaced all the windows and sealed up all the cracks and replaced the insulation, and for the first time, you’re comfortable all the way through a winter. You do reach a point where someone compliments you on how clean and comfortable your house is. You do reach a point where you’ve done all the remediation, and you can start remodeling the house to fit your needs.

So yeah, it’s a lot of hard work that’ll never be done.  But it’s also so, so worth it.

[fuckkkinghelll]

things I want

collar bones

thigh gap

cheek bones

visible ribs

flat stomach

cute little butt

slim ankles

noodle thighs

fragile wrists

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Day 1

SW: 65kgs

CW: 63kgs

LW: 54kgs

UGW: 45kgs

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My Reasons for Losing Weight

For My Health

To have better skin

So I don’t sweat profusely

So I can walk up a flight of stairs and not feel out of breath

So my back won’t hurt

So my knee won’t hurt 

So my doctor will never say, “you really need to lose some weight” to me ever again

So I don’t have to worry about arthritis or other illnesses that accompany obesity

For Vanity

To feel better about myself

To look good in tight clothes

To be able to wear shorts in the summer

To be able to go into any store, and buy the clothes I like, not just the ones that fit

To not feel awkward about going clothes shopping or shoe shopping

To be able to order clothes from a catalogue without worrying if they will fit

To be able to wear something that doesn’t say PLUS on it

So my pants won’t wear out between my legs while the rest of them are still in good shape

So I can look in the mirror from the neck down and like what I see

So I can wear tight jeans

I want to wear underwear that looks sexy

So I can show off my legs

So I can go into public and not feel like people are judging me

So I can wear tops without worrying about the dents from my bra showing trough

So that my boobs stick out more than my stomach – not the other way around

For a Better Quality of Life

To be able to use a public toilets comfortably

I want to be able to read the scale by just looking down, straight down

So I don’t get those indents on my thighs from the arms of the chair I’m sitting in

So I can cross my legs

So I can get up from the floor in one smooth move and not a grab and hold on to something move

So I can sit on a bar stool and I’m actually sitting ON it, not on it and around it too

So a regular towel goes all the way around me 

So my socks pull all the way up

So I can hug my knees to my chest again, and it’s comfortable

So I can fit into the cinema/stadium/airplane seats comfortably

So I can bend over comfortably to tie my shoes

For My Self-esteem

So I can go swimming without being self-conscious

So I don’t worry about chairs breaking

So I don’t have to ask for the additional seat belt on an airplane

So I can dance without being self-conscious

So I can go on rides at amusement parks again and not have to experience the embarrassment of having to get off because I don’t fit

So I don’t have to worry about the maximum weight before I using things

So I don’t feel awkward when people start talking about losing weight

So no one can ever call me “a big girl” ever again

So I’m not embarrassed to have my picture taken

So I can say my weight out loud

So furniture doesn’t groan when I sit on it, or wear out long before it should because I’m too heavy

[fuckkkinghelll]

Things to look forward to when I'm skinny:

wearing jeans that i didn’t fit before

wearing dresses and not worrying about how fat my legs are

my thighs not rubbing

when i jump up and down, no body parts jiggle

having abs + flat stomach

not having to cross my arms during church or anything to cover my fat rolls

NO FAT ROLLS

not feeling so hot during summer (because i have extra fat and so i retain more heat? lol)

being skinnier than b

having b pick me up

coming back to school in august and having people be like “HOLY SHIT YOU GOT SKINNIER”

bikinis and swimming pools

being skinner than my bitchass cousin

artistic, smart, friendly, skinny

being able to wear leggings and not looking like an oompa loompa

not being the fat friend

not being the fat friend

not

being

the

fat

friend

prom shopping :)

not crying in the dressing room because nothing fits

thigh gap

high knee socks without fat hanging from the side

no muffin top

when i wear skirts, my body doesn’t look disproportionate (from the muffin top sides :c)

christmas, having cousins see me again

graduation - aussie relatives come over and not be disappointed in my weight

not bothering b about lunch money or anything because i don’t want to eat

being able to share with b because i don’t eat much and we can save money together

being able to wear contacts w/o having to worry about my fat face

church festival

self confidence

feeling clean and healthy and empty all the itme

when we do fitness gram, not having to worry about seeing ‘140’ on the weight scale

not looking fat in pictures/photos

will add more

[fuckkkinghelll]

Reasons to lose weight :

- Be happier

- Feel comfortable on the beach

- Don’t get stressed when someone asks my weight

- Don’t get worry about being to heavy when a guy wants to “lift me up”

- Feel confident wearing shorts

- Don’t worry about being a pear shape anymore

- Don’t feel ashamed of eating unhealthy food in public

- “ Did you lost weight ? ”

- Don’t mind about calories, food anymore

- Don’t worry when someones touches my tummy 

- Don’t worry when someones stares at me

- Be more confident about myself

- Wear smaller sizes 

- Be the “skinny friend” and not the fat one

- Be proud of my hips

- And much, much more. I just want to be happy and confident (; 

[fuckkkinghelll]

I wanna be light enough

Light enough to sit in his lap

Light enough to be carried by him

Light enough for him to piggy back me

Light enough to lay on his chest

Light enough for him

I just want to be light enough

[fuckkkinghelll]

girl-waning’s Ultimate Self-Care Shower

We all have bad days.

People in the ED communuty, though, are more susceptible to having some really, really down and confusing days. Whether you’ve binged, or gone over your limit, or haven’t eaten anything today, or are having a hard time on your road to recovery, this is for you. We all deserve to feel pampered and loved, and it starts with loving and pampering our own damn selves.

♡ Take it off! Get naked, take out your earrings, take off your necklaces and watches and any other jewelery you may be wearing.

♡ Brush your hair. Start with the ends and work your way up to the roots until there are no knots or tangles to be found.

♡ Hop in and take your time finding that perfect water temperature. Mine is mildly scalding.

♡ Take your time shampooing and conditioning your hair. Don’t muss up your brushed hair in the process – just gently work the shampoo through your smooth hair and massage it gently into your scalp. Same with conditioner. Take it slow, enjoy the feeling of how soft and silky smooth it gets.

♡ Wash your face! Be it with face wash or the warm water, open those pores and let them breathe.

♡ Wash every inch of your body. Behind your ears, the nape of your neck, the backs of your thighs, the bottoms of your feet. Take the time to really scrub and get squeaky clean!

♡ Shave! Anywhere you desire, just be sure to use a shaving cream or some conditioner to avoid razor burn or irritation, especially on your legs if you shave them.

♡ Clean where it matters. You know what I’m talking about, hygiene is important!

♡ If you’ve got a sugar scrub, use it. Arms, legs, wherever. Rub it in until the sugar grains melt and you’re left freshly exfoliated and smelling like a dream.

♡ Hop on out. Close your pores by pressing a washcloth with cool water on it to your face. Moisturize right after.

♡ If your shower was hot, put some lotion on your legs to avoid redness and dry skin – trust me, there’s nothing worse, especially in the winter.

♡ Brush your teeth!

♡ Get into your comfiest pajamas, heat up some tea, and settle in with a good book or your computer and do something you enjoy. Relax. Let your hair dry naturally. Embrace the way it feels to be clean and comfortable. You deserve it, love. Always remember that tomorrow is a new day and you can turn it into anything you want.

Stay safe, loves. I hope this helps ♡

[fuckkkinghelll]

20 Reasons Not to Binge💖💖

1. because eating will set you back. it will only take longer for you to become skinny. 2. is it really worth the guilt & self hate? when skipping that meal will make you feel 10x better in about 10 minutes. 3. skinny thighs, in everything. - skinny jeans. - skirts. - sitting, standing, & laying. 4. a flat stomach. - laying, sitting, & standing. - bikini tops. - crop tops. - tank tops. - sports bras. 5. collarbones. - necklaces. - v.neck shirts.

6. tiny wrists. - bracelets. 7. tiny arms. - baggy shirts. - to be able to wrap your fingers around most of your forearm. 8. narrow face. - defined cheekbones. - defined jawline. 9. tiny neck. - neck lines, showing you lost weight. 10. concerned looks/complements. - have you ate today? - wow, you’ve lost weight. - wow, you’re getting really tiny.

11. bony fingers. - rings. 12. ribs. - to be able to lay & see them. - to be able to turn a certain way & see them. - to be able to see them in general. 13. to feel in control. - to be able to say “no” to someone offering food. 14. to see the number on the scale go down little by little. 15. to experience reaching your goal weight. how good it will feel. 16. to not be the fat friend anymore. 17. to be able to wear a bikini this year & rock it. 18. to be able to wear leggings & see my thigh gap. 19. to be able to wrap my hands around the side of my waist. 20. to finally be happy.

it takes time. be patient.

- waisted thin. (this is for self motivation)

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Not me, stay strong loves~ 🎀 Don’t forget to follow for more posts ❣️

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Beach thinspo