anxiouslysly

[anxiouslysly]

Thursday 3/4 7:35am

not a happy camper. woken up by roomie at 2am, then at 5am by repeating slammings of the microwave door. i think it turns out she got her period which makes her nauseous, which she’s had for years and still hasn’t gone to the doctor about so she was making oatmeal. but do you really need to slam the door at 5am? so i didn’t get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time and woke up with a headache  

[anxiouslysly]

Monday 3/1 9:57pm

woo a year and a half later??

just been feeling kind of crappy lately. i feel like i’m a mom and i never signed up for it, between the roomie and the bf. drove back yesterday and had dinner with his family, when i got to his house he didn’t come open the door for me at first because he was playing civ, and then when he did he basically said hi and then went back upstairs to show me civ, didn’t even ask how i was or anything just playing civ and explaining what he was doing. the only thing before going back to it was he asked his mom if the garlic bread for dinner should be in the oven?? as if he’s ever cooked anything in his life? so frustrated about that. and then today he messaged me asking if i ever planned on sharing a photo that he took on insta...the one with me holding the power drill, which he wouldn’t let me use because apparently he doesn’t trust me with power tools. 

and then with the roomie i don’t see her out of her room until 4:30pm which fine whatever i don’t really care. but then when we go for groceries i have to remind her to bring a mask. and then she gets out of the car and drops her glasses and on the way out sees that she left her glove lying on the ground where she dropped her glasses. i shop, take about 30min which i know is fast so i text her i’m done. she tells me that she just started??? so i go back for her an hour later when she tells me she’s done

but also, she was like yeah i wanted to know when you’d be driving back so i could clean thing up for you and put stuff back in its proper place! the recycling was up to here! like......ok your boyfriend visited LAST WEEKEND. were you just living in filth the whole week? and after all that it’s not even clean when i come back, like there’s scum all over the bathroom sink, trash is full, tissue box is empty but still sitting in the bathroom (SUCH A PET PEEVE) i think she’s the reason i now have high blood pressure

she also never wears her glasses and so never knows what’s going on....because she doesn’t have her glasses on......

and then just feeling chubby in the stomach and doesn’t help that my blood pressure and cholesterol are higher than they should be 

[anxiouslysly]

Saturday 7/27 8:09pm

lots of thoughts going around. 

last weekend went camping with emma and caleb and that whole gang, lots of fun. i couldn’t help but keep thinking how stark a contrast it was to hiking with dan 2 weeks before. how things we did he would have complained about or been frustrated by. how i could just talk and listen and have fun. they’re good people to be around. i was really happy when emma said that like i could join them in the future when they do stuff (and then i think i’m going to go to the fair with them in august!) bc it feels like rpi the same intellectual/nerdy/goofy group. we were talking about teslas and life cycle costs over breakfast....it was Good. 

couldn’t stop thinking about jeremy though........i may have a Crush. tonight when i was at the aerial dance thing (super neat, i liked how they made the one act like a song) he messaged me and we’ve been talking a little. i’m kind of like i need to watch myself and what i’m doing and kind of like it’s good to just talk. i think like i want to be known, i want the attention, but i need to make sure i go about it right. i dont want to hurt people. and like even camping and being with people, having conversation, having that space to build friendships and talk and be together was so nice and needed and i miss that in my daily life. it feels kind of empty, going to work, coming home, cooking, going to bed. brendan’s the only one i talk to at work, for the most part. chatted with ron the new kid a couple times when we ran into each other. i’m working on it though, working on making friends and knowing people and being known. i just feel like i’m too slow at it sometimes, that it’s not going to happen and that i’ve failed at this transition. but that’s not true

on a separate note entirely i like feeling alive. like i’ve gone out and seen and achieved, and now i’m tired and sweaty for it all. 

[anxiouslysly]

Monday 4/22 9:54am

so i wake up to an email from kurt that he heard that i took another job. apparently dan told someone who told someone else who told kurt. and didn’t tell me that he said anything. so now it makes me look rude and i get in trouble if i do tell dan things or if i don’t tell him things

[anxiouslysly]

Sunday 4/21 5:41pm

dan went back home. i just feel... blah. i could sit here on the couch the rest of the day and not do anything. i don’t want to do anything. 

i’d tried to get excited about moving to a new place and then i got scared and then dan blew up bc i’ll be far away and that was nasty for a while and today i made a comment about syracuse and he’s like it’s a little soon for that lets let it settle a little. how am i supposed to plan for it without talking to him? he can be part of my life or not. 

on the way home from church i asked where he wanted to go (he gave up beer for lent so we said we’d go somewhere today) and his only response was “i don’t care”. which really frustrated me which then turned into a big to-do that was my fault because i wanted him to communicate better

didn’t even do that much today and i’m tired. church, big lunch, relaxed for a bit, took a walk, had ice cream, and i have no motivation or energy left. niki was having people over at 4 for easter but i didn’t bring it up bc i figured dan would want to leave before then, but now i just feel lonely. and like being stressed about moving and everything doesn’t help when dan doesn’t want to hear about it and it’ll just make him grumpy

and then we were at the park just sitting there watching in the sun and he kept making comments about the people going by like entirely unnecessary 

[anxiouslysly]

Tuesday 3/26 12:06am

talk about stress. i parked in the drive sunday when i got back bc emily wasn’t here. turns out she did too when she got back. richard, gina’s bf who doesn’t even live here came and knocked on the door and asked if one of us would move so i did, for their guests. next day they’re gone and she’s back in the spot. 

i get back from visiting dan at lunch, empty spot in the driveway (gina’s gone), i park in it. tonight we get five (5) knocks on the various doors and a threat that richard will tow my car for parking in the driveway, followed my a convo with them and jared and emily. they’re talking about how one time gina’s car got broken into on the street and emily’s like we’re all girls like park closest where its safest first come first serve. 

we decide we can do first come first serve. they send a message so lizzie knows, then lizzie and gina come over and she’s not ok with it. they’re like one car per apartment (naturally) and emily and i are like no we all pay rent... then lizzie’s complaining about how she “gets paid garbage” from her state job and how her car costs her $400/month so she doesn’t want to park on the street. keep in mind gina and emily earn grad student stipends and i earn $0.00. 

then emily’s family show up so we kinda decide we can do a schedule of week rotations each (emily had proposed at the beginning of the semester). so then i send a message after they leave like can we keep in mind i parked on the street for the last 10 weeks and will be gone for 2 more? 

it’s so stressful and i hate confrontation and like they’re not being grownups about it bc they all got used to taking advantage of me and i’m tired of it. 

[anxiouslysly]

Wednesday 2/20 9:10am

stressed

i was offered an onsite interview in MA...thats a 3 hour drive each way and its like 8-11am on a friday :// i want to have options but thats so much driving too

last week dan slid into a guardrail and bent his front something on his car so he stayed over a night last week and then last night; shannon drove him into work and he took the bus here after work. i think its getting towed & fixed finally so he’ll have a car again, but all his stuff’s here and shannon doesn’t get off work til like 7 so he’s going to take the bus back here and get the keys from me while i’m in class and then hang out here and leave w shannon before i get home from class. its just frustrating like i want to help but then him asking if he could just take the keys in the morning w him like would i need them and yes i need them to get back in after dropping you off i’m not just going to not leave the apartment all day... and i need to be able to get back in when i get back from class, yeah emily might be here but who knows her schedule these days

[anxiouslysly]

Tuesday 2/12 5:39pm

what a day... kinda studied w emily before the exam but then we stopped. ate lunch, got some baklava from her friend. 

went to take the exam, the prof like handed it out and then muttered something about being in his office and left. so emily pulls out her phone and starts googling things. and first i just looked at her then kept working, then she still was so i was like it’s a test!!! and she briefly stopped but then kept doing it. and she kept asking me like what i was doing for the problems. idk what to do about it do i tell the prof do i say hey for the other test you probably shouldn’t leave us unsupervised...idk

got home, talked to blair! she’s doing well. sitting there i got a call from a 508 and it was a company i applied to to set up a phone interview! a surprise

dan made it home safe from work but then got a call that his front left tire “was at a 45″ bc he hit a guardrail. he’s safe but sounded v upset about it and then was like i’ll talk to you and hung up. 

also have interview in CT tomorrow, i’m hoping they’ve done something with the roads by then....

[anxiouslysly]

Thursday 1/10 10:23pm

jared’s here... he’s just so forthcoming with his opinions. like i had my excess that will be waffle batter on the counter and he was like i smelled that and like ugh what is it? and i mentioned i got back together with dan and he’s like ugh he’s such a scumbag and i was like that’s not nice... like idk if he just comes across as nice bc he all says it with a smile or what. but that’s why emily married him and not me. 

yes i might’ve said that at the point i broke up with him. but not even that far. he was dealing with his stuff and i couldn’t help him with it and he wasn’t seeking help for any of it. 

and now he’s found himself a church, teaching classes, working on getting hired, going to the mental health clinic, following up with the cardiologist, and hopefully going for a physical and to the dentist soon. i don’t expect him to ever be an extrovert but if he’s learning and growing and wanting to form relationships with people, i think that’s fantastic 

[anxiouslysly]

saturday 12/29 4:31pm

spent christmas with my mom’s family at grandma’s, that was good. saw eric, tom, gaby, sarah, and kate, and the aunts and uncles. 

we went to the outlets the other day, i exchanged my shirt and sweater and long johns for the right colors/sizes. got movies at the library, watching a lot of nicholas sparks lately (my dad’s choice). talking to dan some and trying to decide what to do there. 

went to the city today to see the storefronts in manhattan. tiring but it was fun to see!

tomorrow we’re doing early church and getting lunch with my dad’s sisters. 

[anxiouslysly]

Monday 12/17 12:14pm

will said he’d finish the report and submit it, all that was left was like the section of work that he did i already wrote 90% of it. we got an okay-ish video by hardcoding, like something was totally screw-y about it. we’d run the same code a couple of different times and it would do totally different things. 

been working on design op all morning. at least i have it working for everything besides the rosenbrock function, it just takes forever. i guess i should let it run and see what happens? i’m just impatient.

the end is in sight! i apparently got a b+ in SAT...? i’ll take it, i def had like an 81 but he must have curved it a little. i got a like 58 on my design op test which was terrible but a 98 on the project.. still like a C average. i don’t think i’m going to have above a 3 (which i need) but i also might (?) not fail any classes. we’ll see how robotics goes and what the curve is like there. heat transfer was fine i have an a in that, that one felt good. 

just this project due tonight and then robotics final tomorrow (i need to study and make crib sheets....) and then i’m doneeeee for the semester

[anxiouslysly]

Sunday 12/16 2:25pm

Thursday night got a text from dan asking to talk on the phone or in person this weekend, told him i could call. 

saturday morning went to the prayer thing at church, all the ladies were super nice and it was good to actually get to know people some more. 

saturday night he called, basically just wants me to reconsider things. he’s going to go see someone (regardless of my decision) and was saying how he wants to find a community and stuff. but like... idk. half of me’s like you’re giving up on it and half of me’s like no he needs to do this on his own. he’s been constantly dating someone since who knows when 16? he needs to figure himself and his problems out first. he did apologize for like putting that burden on me but also if he did and it took me breaking up w him for him to realize, what would it take another time? its just exhausting. i thought about it more and need to call him back at some point and tell him...

church this morning was good, and then anne introduced me to her daughter emily. idk if we’d get along but anne is a v nice lady. i checked my email and ryan had emailed me, who knows how he found me, and asked if i wanted to work on design op together so we planned to meet at 1 but then he’s like the weather’s not good i can’t make it to campus. so i sat and worked on the report a bit (10-15 pages sounded v daunting at first). meeting with will at 4 to hopefully finish up robotics. still need to study for that exam on tuesday.... 

i’m just tired and ready to go home

[anxiouslysly]

Tuesday 12/11 10:11am

wasn’t all that productive yesterday... heat transfer w jim was fine, robotics review was nothing too thrilling. i went to study for design op and work on everything basically. did that til like 5:30 when i was cold and not focusing anymore. 

came home, had dinner- spaghetti and meatballs- and made chocolate chip muffins for breakfast bc then i’m more willing to eat breakfast. was trying to work on stuff after that for a while still... then at like 8:30 maybe emily was like wanna do yoga? so i was like ok if its shortish so we did one and then ended up just sitting around and talking about boys and sex til like 12:30... it was good though i learned the whole story about jake and emily g and all of that. and apparently candace recommended a v good book on sex (and emily’s family never talked about that or periods or literally anything). but then she’d said that some of the stuff about dan reminded her of jake and by the end i was like ....it’s a good thing i got out of there. idk it made my decision seem reasonable

[anxiouslysly]

12/9 10:34pm

came home at like 5:45, i did a bisection line search but idk if i can use that with quasi newton or not... gotta figure that out this week

couldn’t focus anymore and wanted a break. came home to make dinner but then i started crying. was eating leftover couscous bc i couldn’t bring myself to make anything, then i remembered i had frozen salmon so thawed and cooked a piece. then i started crying again doing dishes so i went in my room and emily started talking to me and came in when i didn’t come out and so she gave me a hug and then jared came in and was like you’re sad? give her a hug? and emily was like i already did and they were like cmon come biking it makes you happy so we went on campus, and i filmed them making a heart for amy’s wedding countdown thing. my hands were freeeezing when we came back (and my toes and thighs) and jared drove me to the exec meeting, told them all we broke up and the meeting wasn’t too bad. matt wasn’t being moody which was nice. came home and am tired, hopefully i can sleep tn

[anxiouslysly]

Sunday 12/9 2:15pm

broke up w him friday night and it was just terrible he was like pleading me like have you thought this through and stuff and this relationship is what’s got him through the semester. and hes like it’s been stressful one bad week for both of us that’s all. lots of crying on my end and it just feels so bad to hurt someone else like that. 

cried a lot that night, woke up and didnt want to get up and cried some more. took a shower and planned to do stuff w kristin, we eventually went to the shaker christmas market and trader joes then i just hung out at her place for a while. eventually went home to try to eat and call the parents. emily and jared got back late from nh and they were talking about bikes and oh that kind would be good for dan and then we could all go and i was just like not likely since i broke up w him last night and then jared was like what happened? and i started crying so they were like here eat some ice cream and then i showered and basically cried myself to sleep

today picked up will darby and edmund and drove them to church, came home and made some couscous. i didnt realize it takes like 0 effort which is nice. then packed myself up to study and walked to campus and i was just like idk where to go i have no motivation to study or do anything really i just want to sleep and not feel empty or sad. ended up at the library with kristin and haven’t really done anything productive

i just miss him and its like would it have worked if i put more effort into it.. if i tried harder.. did i just give up too soon

[anxiouslysly]

Friday 12/7 1:12pm

dan and i might be done... probably going to break up w him tonight. 

yesterday he jokingly called me an ass and then asked why i was glum, i was like thats not generally a compliment. and he said he was joking and i was like its kinda hard to tell when all of our talking has been reduced to 4 word empty praises when wed both agrees we wanted to avoid talking about nothing and so we agreed to try to be better about that. 

but then when we were calling at night it was idk we talked about our days and then when we’re just joking around about nothing in particular and i ask questions he calls it “questions to the void” and says how it irritates him and that i don’t ask enough actual questions about his day and then hes like what’s the problem? and i’m like i feel like since we had the talk about kristin and i hanging out tonight its been grumpy all week and he’s like yeah i had a crappy week and like.... it get its stressful and finals time but if he hasn’t been happy one single time this week?  i can’t provide that for him. and then he told me that humor probably cheers him up more than “forced positivity” which like that’s the first time he’s told me something helpful on that front. and its not that i dislike him i just don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with his negativity especially if he’s not seeing someone about it and i don’t think he gets that

but i got lunch w katie today!! shes visiting for a few days, it’s so good to talk to get. idk she’s like super cute and gets excited telling stories so she was telling me about study abroad and the current situation with phil and what happened with aliceon and i told her about dan and this semester and such. i’m also suuuper full now

i think i’m gonna miss dan but more of a like having someone to share your life with. having someone close and getting attention and affection from them. it’s not like with jake where its like its terrible and i never want to see him again, but like it’s a strain that i’m having a hard time handling and he’s not doing anything to address on his end. and he even said last night like we have to work and fix this or decide not to. and i was like i have been trying to and idk what else i can do

[anxiouslysly]

Tuesday 12/4 9:08pm

today studied for my exam most of the morning, met with the group briefly and liss was like how was the test? and i when i told her it was at noon she was like no study!! you’ve done so much already. took that, i think it went p well (better than the last one at least) i just may have messed up singular value decomposition- didn’t work it out to check it because i kept screwing up the dimensions. 

got a bagel after that and went to design op, it was just tucker holding office hours today, no class. he’s chill which is nice, more approachable than the prof. i finished my SAT homework and got a start on the project there. 

met with diana about our presentation, she had more comments... all these suggestions about what to do and its like we have less than 48 hours til we present there’s limited time...

came home and had leftover chili, joe texted me about modcon so i tried to help him with that, went back to working on design op

the continual Mood dan’s in isn’t really helping idk. it’s been like 5 word answers all day. 

had ice cream which i realized i hadn’t had in a while. idk just ready to be done? be social? emily and jared are also going to the grad social on friday so that’ll be fun, them and kristin and me (and all the many other ppl who are going). i figured free food i may as well