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How fucking typical. Everyone finishes their school semesters and has plans for Christmas, and I have to spend my only savings on a fucking reconstructive jaw surgery that is apparently so fucking ultra specific that it isn't covered by my fucking medical, so I have to spend my only savings on it and I can't buy Christmas presents for anybody. On top of that, this surgery is going to move my whole lower jaw forward, which will make me look like an ugly moron for the entirety of my fucking life until 10 minutes after the surgery when I get home, look at myself in the mirror, and put a gun in my mouth and blow my fucking brains out.
So now I will be broke and stuck in the abysmally unimaginable shitty living situation I'm in, ugly (yeah, I was ugly before, I get it, Kelly, fucking hilarious) and I don't get to share Christmas with my only 2 fucking friends.
If I somehow pussy out of killing myself after this then I will legitimately be shocked, or the surgery also made me fucking retarded.
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Life must be pretty fucking easy when you have a family or friends or even people who care about you and are willing to help you.
I wouldn't mind having people like that in my life every time I end up on the street. Hell, it'd just be nice to have a friend to tell me my presence isn't sickening to them.
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tl;dr shit of how pathetic I am
Before 3 months ago I was actually improving a lot with my mental and emotional state, and now it's peaking with how bad it is just as it did a year ago. I wanna run away again. Last time I did that's when things started to get a bit better... I'm running out of places to run to though.
Everything feels so unfair. Again I find it impossible to really enjoy anything. I feel so horribly alone. I feel like I always lose no matter what I try. I feel like everybody laughs at me and at the fact that my life is exactly like what I was always told by everyone that it would be. I feel like a failure. I've been crying about the same things for over 3 years now, almost 4. As an adult I thought maybe I would grow out of this... I was indeed wrong.
I'm sick of being mocked by everyone who knows me. By my few friends.
I lament every day that I'm alive. I feel cheated. I feel like I deserve so much better than an abusive and traumatic childhood and my adulthood so far running from what destroyed me as an adolescent. But evidently I'm too caught up in feeling sorry for myself that I don't work toward making anything of myself. My masochism still exceeds every other part of me. I'm still ashamed of everything I am and everything I do. I feel as though my existence in itself is embarrassing in comparison to everyone around me and I definitely show it. As I'm told, I'm hard on myself as though I've committed crimes against humanity.
I hate myself so much and that hatred just keeps getting stronger. It definitely doesn't assist the fact that I need to change that I'm sitting around basically awaiting my death because I'm too I don't even know what, to kill myself.
The people that know me say I'm too negative and that's why they don't wanna talk to me or be around me. I have one friend I can consistently talk to, and have been able to for years, but he doesn't quite understand these things and feigns interest because I'm a broken record. I don't blame him either. My friends, girlfriends of the past couple years, they all say the same thing: that I only talk about how sorry I feel for myself, how hard I am on myself, and a certain ex of mine.
I miss her so much. I've been absolutely obsessed and consumed by her for over 3 years now, almost 4. "Obsessed" and "Consumed" aren't the words I'd use, but they are the terms that everyone else has chosen to use. When you ask me I more say that I love her unconditionally, I miss her and care about her more than anything in the world. It's the biggest reason of why I hate myself. I should have been better to her. How I wish I could go back and do it all over again. Even if I relive it with the same outcome. In the end it was just that the timing was wrong for us. It's what I believe, but again everyone else would say I'm delusional and obsessed. It's been very nearly 2 years since I've seen her and about a year and a half since I've spoken to her. Rather since she's spoken to me. I want to just randomly up and go see her out of nowhere again... she seemed so relieved and happy to see me last time. But I know she wouldn't be now. She's happy now and she likes where her life is going... It really kills me that she doesn't need me, or even really want anything to do with me. Even the way I talk about all this I sound like some obsessed lunatic. Though everyone knows she's just as off-balanced as I am... that's why we were even together in the first place, let alone as long as we were.
I wish I could start over with her... I wish I could go show her how much more mature and kind I am compared to back then. Show her the kind of man I've become. Even though she deserves so much better... I still want her to have me, as selfish as that is. I'd still do anything for her.
I practice singing every day. I'm good, and I know that. The only 2 people I've really sang in front of agree with me. They think more highly of my ability than I do, which is surprising. Though I'm horribly embarrassed of it and I'll likely never go anywhere with it because of that.
I guess that's all I have to say. The same old story of a heartbroken record. Going nowhere. Want to die. Miss a girl. Alone.
I'm sure 6 months from now I'll be singing a different tune (pun not intended) and then a year from now I'll be back to this. My life is a loop of the same story told over and over, and everyone is sick of it except for me apparently.
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You sing along to Panic At The Disco or you hop out of my car and walk
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More pokemon sketches, lapras and dragonair! <3
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