apathetic-corazon

[apathetic-corazon]

I used to always worry that I wasn’t “living”. That I wasn’t “alive”.

But in all my stubbornness, I have been thankfully proven wrong. And it is each time that my world falls apart- that everything I thought was right becomes- not right or wrong. I learned there is no ��right” or “wrong”, no “good” or “evil”.

I used to envy the “normal” and the ones blessed with society’s “standards”.

And yet I was heartbroken to see that even in the most picture perfect of worlds, there were these cracks that were overlooked.

And I stopped believing that everything had to be categorized or defined a certain way, including myself.

It is okay to be the grey. It is okay to be a mess of all these different colors, it is okay to have no defining outline to who you are. In a sense, it is like being the blur of colors between the sun and the sky when it kisses the horizon.

Furthermore, I used to believe I wanted nothing of this life. That I was brought into this world to solely observe. But having observed the most beautiful of souls as if they were a world of godly art, I find myself wanting to become a part of that art- but the fear of being trapped within a canvas border, within one chapter of a story- it terrified me.

And yet this desire to be a part of it consumed me, as if every fiber of my being knew where it was meant to go.

And I accepted it. I accepted that I do not know who I am, I accepted that there are things I’d give my life for, if it meant being able to admire everyday.

Because I had found,

That the most beautiful of things, were those that were sculpted out of pain. The fragile, the meek, the regretful, the broken, the jaded. The haughty, the arrogant, the afraid. The kind, the caring, and the self sacrificing. These twisted intricacies that made us human- and I was left in awe.

How had I grown to despise something so meticulously sculpted, so complex that it took years to understand- how did I overlook the beauty of these individual little things fighting as if their efforts would one day be seen?

I would suffer a lifetime of heartbreak, if it meant being consistently proven wrong, and shown something so beautiful every time.

[apathetic-corazon]

Oftentimes, as humans we become consumed by our own emotions. We stop thinking and all we can do is FEEL, and we let those feelings take a hold of us, to the point that we almost feel nothing, everything becomes blinding and we become starved just to feel again. It restrains and deprives us of being alive. Art done by me digitally via Krita

[apathetic-corazon]

Love.

Love is seen as this simple concept. A fairytale destined for all. But that’s not what it is.

Its no fairytale.

Its no “cure”.

Its real, yet so much more complex.

In the root of all our humanity, our insanity, 

lies love. 

Rage, Jealousy, Pain, Happiness, Sadness, Fear, Euphoria and Calm. 

We perceive these as separate emotions but lack to see that these are all just branches extending from the roots of Love.

“Hate” is not the opposite of Love. Its Apathy. For hate can grow from Love.

But Apathy is the lack of emotion. 

No emotion, no love.

But there is so much more. 

We see love as something that happens by chance. And maybe it does, but there is no need to wait for that chance. We as humans have the power to find love. to give it. To create it. 

It takes loving oneself to finally behold it. 

It takes loving oneself to have the power to love another.

It takes loving oneself to feel all other emotions. 

It takes loving oneself to heal. 

I believed love to be a naïve escape held onto by others. But if anything, love is like the one tool in every household that is never handled- for its not often one knows how to handle it and what for.

Just as paintbrushes and pencils are used for art,

and hammers and wrenches for construction,

and instruments for music.

The heart is used for love.

But we as people shy away from handling the heart, for we are aware of its power, and we fear it.

But I will choose to grow strong to handle this heart of mine. 

I have so far. 

In spite of all that I perceived myself to be, in the end it can summed up in one entire, powerful concept.

I am love.

[apathetic-corazon]

Hurt People

There’s a saying;

“Hurt people hurt other people” but then its also said that “People who are hurting the most do what they can to prevent/stop others from being in pain” So which is it? Where is the line?

Why are hurt people such a grey area?

How do hurt people love each other... when they can’t love themselves?

How does someone love someone who doesn’t love themselves?

I think this now, knowing I have caused the same pain in my years of self harm and attempts at suicide.

It makes me feel like a monster. But then I see someone equally as hurt.. self destructing in their own ways, and all I see is a human.

[apathetic-corazon]

Heartbroken by Hope

We say disappointed- but I think what that really means is “heartbroken by hope”. Just like when you expect someone to stay with you forever, only for them to leave you- that kind of thing. 

I think hope is by far one of the most double-edged and masochistic emotions for humans. {Bear with me on this} Its almost like a drug. We hope and at first, its normal. But we hope, 

and we hope-

and we hope.  And we try to seek more things to hope.

Until we can’t hope anymore.

Shakespeare once said that expectations lead to heartbreak. Of course we have “lost hope” before;

But why do we hope? Why do we all cling to it so desperately as if its a lifeline keeping us from falling into our own darkness?

Is hope just a concept? Or is hope the person on the other side of that lifeline? Or the life that is on the line?

Hope is always portrayed in this delicate and fragile light. As if it is that one weak side character at the start of a book or movie that the viewers pity until the climax where the character is the key to saving everything. But I think hope is more like the one person daydreaming, who doesn’t focus in class. The one stranger who does the rare kind deed. It is ever so fickle, and our cynic nature looks at it almost absurd because what they do is so “unnatural” because we have become so...defensive, and weary of the world around us.                ...It hurts to think that Hope is what breaks our hearts.

                      But what I’m starting to realize more and more,

                                      is that when we stop hoping,

                              that truly causes our hearts to fall apart.

[apathetic-corazon]

Ode to Fei’t

ʜᴏᴡ ɪꜱ ɪᴛ, ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴇɴᴅᴇᴅ ᴜᴘ ʜᴇʀᴇ?

 ɪɴ ���ʟᴀᴄᴇꜱ ꜱᴏ ꜰᴀʀ, 

ʏᴇᴛ ꜱᴏ ɴᴇᴀʀ?

 ɴᴏ ᴅɪꜰꜰᴇʀᴇɴᴛ ᴛʜᴀɴ ʀᴇᴀᴄʜɪɴɢ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴄᴀʀᴇꜱꜱ ᴀ ʀᴏꜱᴇ,

 ᴏɴʟʏ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴘʀɪᴄᴋᴇᴅ ʙʏ ɪᴛ’ꜱ ʜɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ᴛʜʀᴏᴇꜱ.

 ᴀɴ ᴀᴍʙɪɢᴜɪᴛʏ ᴇxɪꜱᴛꜱ ᴡɪᴛʜɪɴ ᴏᴜʀ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ;

 ᴏɴᴇ ꜰᴏʀ ᴛᴏɢᴇᴛʜᴇʀ,

 ᴏɴᴇ ꜰᴏʀ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ; 

ɪꜰ ɪ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴡʀᴀᴘ ᴀʟʟ ʏᴏᴜʀ ꜰʀᴀɢᴍᴇɴᴛꜱ ᴡɪᴛʜɪɴ ᴍʏ ᴇᴍʙʀᴀᴄᴇ-

 ɪ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ʜᴇꜱɪᴛᴀᴛᴇ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ᴛᴏ ʜᴏʟᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ɪɴ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ. 

ʙᴜᴛ ɪ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ɴᴏ ꜱᴜᴄʜ ᴅᴇꜱɪʀᴇ ᴛᴏ ʀᴇꜱᴛʀᴀɪɴ ʏᴏᴜ-

 ᴅᴇꜱᴘɪᴛᴇ ᴀ ʙᴇᴀꜱᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʟᴜʀᴋꜱ ᴡɪᴛʜɪɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ꜱᴏᴜʟ,

 ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ɪꜱ ɴᴏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ɪ ᴡɪꜱʜ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ,

 ᴛʜᴀɴ ᴛᴏ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡʜᴏʟᴇ.

 ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴛᴏʀᴍꜱ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʜᴀᴅ ʙᴇᴀᴛᴇɴ ᴀɢᴀɪɴꜱᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʙᴀᴄᴋ,

 ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ꜰɪʀᴇꜱ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʟᴀᴘᴘᴇᴅ ᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ꜰᴇᴇᴛ,

 ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴀɴʏ ᴇᴠᴀᴅᴇᴅ ᴀᴛᴛᴀᴄᴋ, 

ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏ ᴠɪᴄᴛᴏʀʏ ᴀɴᴅ ᴅᴇꜰᴇᴀᴛ.

 ᴏꜰᴛᴇɴ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ʟɪᴋᴇ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅꜱ ᴛᴏ ᴍʏ ᴇᴀʀ;

 ɪ ᴄᴀʀᴇ ɴᴏᴛ ɪꜰ ɪ ᴡᴀꜱ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ-

 ʙᴜᴛ ʀᴀᴛʜᴇʀ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪ ᴀᴍ ʜᴇʀᴇ.

 ɪ’ᴠᴇ ꜱᴀɪᴅ ɪᴛ ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ,

 ᴀɴᴅ ɪ’ʟʟ ꜱᴀʏ ɪᴛ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ:

 ʀᴇɢᴀʀᴅʟᴇꜱꜱ ᴏꜰ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɪ ᴀᴍ ᴛᴏ ʏᴏᴜ,

 ᴏʀ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴇ,

 ɪ’ᴍ ꜱᴀᴛɪꜱꜰɪᴇᴅ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ᴜꜱ ᴛᴡᴏ- 

ᴇxɪꜱᴛɪɴɢ ɪɴ ᴏᴜʀ ᴏᴡɴ ꜰᴀᴍɪʟʏ. 

[apathetic-corazon]

Returning

Decided to return after realizing I won’t be able to upkeep a website at the moment. Yes, go ahead, cringe when you scroll down, I do too. But you know what? At least I did something. And I’ll start doing “something” again too.

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So at the end if this month I'll be moving from Myrtle Beach, SC to Houston, Texas! World, here I come!

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A few days ago, I recently took in this stray cat, he was awfully thin and had a few fleas, but now he’s been a bit rounded out from eating and there are no fleas in his fur, just more fur 😄.

I couldn't decide on a name for him, so then I was inspired to name him Ambivalence ❤️. I can tell this little guy is going to be with us for a while. 

He’s also a big lazy sleepy head, yet caught me taking this picture of him. 😊

[apathetic-corazon]

For some reason, out of all of Michelangelo’s works of art, David is always my favorite. I just can't get over how unlike other artists, who sculpted David right before or after the fight, Michelangelo portrayed him in that moment of making a decision. The details are so precise and even looking into the statue’s eyes, I almost feel as if he actually looked exactly like this, and just happened to be frozen in time. Am I not know wrong?!

[apathetic-corazon]

“We The Kings”

Crowns dawn our heads

As we fly instead

We deny our mistake

And fall like flakes

Upon the ground 

Without a sound

As doe and deer prance over our leafy grave

We regret the way we behave

We are ashamed,

We Kings,

For doing such terrible things

To our subjects

Whom we must never forget

For burying us here

Amongst the deer

And at least give us peace

When we stole their piece 

So here we lay

Within the ground,

Without a sound,

As our souls mourn and cry

Wishing we did something good before we did die

Our misery

Will last far past eternity

Until we can forgive ourselves 

For putting everything on our shelves

And left nothing for others

Who were our brothers

So hold my hand,

As I try to stand,

And Dream,

To Walk 

To Give

To Hope

To Fly

To Die.

We, The Kings.

[apathetic-corazon]

I think this is very true with the kind of society we have today...